|Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importanly, Keep Writing!
TITTLE, DESCRIPTION; Good tittle, very catchy description!
FIRST IMPRESSIONS:Excellent dramatic opening, it hooked me into the action and story immediately! I particularly liked the description of the tangled sheets.
PLOT; FLOW; Excellent plot, you can do so much with this. Flow is a bit choppy in places, see suggestions.
Characters, Dialogue: You have created a strong, three dimensional character in Lacey. She is easy to see and connect with.
Dialogue feels mixed up, choppy in areas, see suggestions.
IMAGERY; EMOTION: Great imagery, can you add in the red glow, feel of the heat ... smells?
Lacey struggling to push daughter outside, opening paragraph. VERY strong, vivid scenes and emotion here.
first section of dialogue reads choppy, rather disjointed in places. Can you switch some sentences around so story flows smoother, keeps credibility?
He probably started this [ gives away middle/ ending. Revise so she just feels fear that he's gone, she's alone.]
I need to get a wet towel. [ show her stumbling into bath, cold water soaking towel/ skin, than going after kids as thoughts race on..]
What if she drank like Jerry? [ try putting this where she finds him, let us feel her hate, anger, contempt] She loved him once, cried out for him in opening...
fighting panic, her heart racing raced.. [ deletes one passive 'ing' word.
NOTE: In trailers, windows don't 'pop', they turn to scorching hot liquid and run out like water. Very freaky, saw it happen myself a few weeks back.
Lacey ws in shock. Show us.. her stumbling forward, staring in surprise at that scorched, dangling flesh of her hand. Maybe she's past pain?
It loses credibility that she's fighting so hard for her and her kids but she wants to die - try renewed determination that they'll live. [ more in her character, she's no quitter]
'mam'' maám '
Closing line works, but could be more credible if she felt some remorse over Jerry, even if only that he'd been a different type of person...?
Wouldn't she be getting medical attention from paramedic for smoke inhalation/ burns?
CLOSING THOUGHTS; A great dramatic thriller that could be absolutely mind bending with a little polishing and revising! A great read.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **