dejavu_BIG computerprobs's (dejavu) Reviews

dejavu_BIG computerprobs

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1,413 Public Reviews Given

1,424 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I provide a detailed review that focuses on flow, storyline, characters and how the story touched me emotionally. I do not focus on grammer or provide extensive line by line edits on longer pieces.

I'm good at...

Character development, emotional content, dialogue, plot.

Favorite Genres

Horror, Dark, Action/Adventure, Thrillers, paranormal.

Least Favorite Genres

Vampire, werewolves, stories based on video games, fan-fiction.

Favorite Item Types

Fiction short stories or chapters.

Least Favorite Item Types

Essays

I will not review...

Erotica or really graphic 'slasher' type horror.

126

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#3769167

Review of Drop by drop

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

I like the strong, powerful imagery in this poem. Emotion is well shown of sadness, confusion and finally, a settled desolation. Verses flow together in a tight sequence that tells the reader a story of loneliness. I felt many people could relate to these feelings on a deep personal level. Favorite Verse, last verse, for it's vivid impressions.
SUGGESTIONS: Capitilize every word in tittle for optimum eye catching in readers.
Verse One; When I read this aloud, it flowed much smoother if you delete the ' A's' ;
Drop by drop, tear by tear,
Verses two and three, delete ' a' in bit by bit, same in line one, verse three.
A strong, moving poem that left a lasting impression in my mind.

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127

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#3768220

Review of The Loving Ones

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Characters, particularly the main character, are strong and dynamic. I certainly expected Hugh to have a different ' condition'! Well done, I even missed your clue near the end. I did wonder though, how Hugh was allowed in a regular store? Maybe change it to a particular type of store where Hugh would be more readily allowed? [ trying not to give things away here] Anyhow, that is what lowered my rating a bit, for reader believability. I really enjoyed the smooth flow of this story, dialogue was easy and added great depth to the narrative bits. I was enjoying the characters so much that I was completely absorbed in the story, hence, I missed the clues.

A truly imaginative and enjoyable story that most readers will enjoy.

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#3768217

Review of The Old Man

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importanly, Keep Writing!

TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;

: Interesting tittle and descriptive line that fit the piece well.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

: Interesting combination of modern reality and fantasy.

PLOT; FLOW;

: Interesting plot, storyline could use just a bit more development, one tends to lose thier place when story changes so abruptly back and forth from the modern to fantasy world, just an additional line or two near theend would clear the problem, around where the boy wakes him, and maybe one when main character gets off the bus?

Characters, Dialogue:

: Characters are well done and very realistic. The old man is quite memorable. Dialogue for each part is well done and believable.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:

: Imagery, particularly in fantasy section, is strong and draws reader into the story. Also in opening paragraph.
Emotion is good, could be strengthened a little in polishing.

Favorite Lines/Parts:

Opening paragraph, great hook there!

SUGGESTIONS;

;
down his shoulders, and...missing letter and comma in red.
and maybe a bit cloudy
didn't know, was that...
closer and closer [ to what, who? Clarify here, it can show us much about character, lonely, tired, etc.]
can could finally issue...
There This was an old friend...

CLOSING THOUGHTS;

: An imaginative, memorable story that just needs a little polishing to truly shine for readers.

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129

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#3768197

Review of Angelic Kisses

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

I enjoyed the soft, compelling rythm of this poem, it lures the reader directly into the world described. Imagery is poignant and detailed, making it easy to envision the sights the author is trying to convey. Voice is very strong in this piece, with no ' intrusion' of author voice.I did feel a comma at the end of line one, all verses, would add a natural pause for readers to contemplate the thoughts. I did feel a bit breathless after reading each verse aloud as is. Just a thought I had while reading. Favorite Verses; One and Three for thier beautifully detailed imagery!

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130

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#3767281

Review of Pumpkin Eater

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importanly, Keep Writing!

TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;

: Interesting tittle, great descriptive line.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

: I loved the idea of this story, it really sparks the imagination!

PLOT; FLOW;

: An enchanting plot, but I feel it would be much more macabre if expanded on just a little, more so the storyline than the plot itself. Flow is smooth, but I felt the long narrative could be enhanced by adding more dialogue between the boys and the neighbors, parents. Particularly about that light people obviously seen, but wasn't mentioned.

Characters, Dialogue:

: Characters are interesting, but can you show us more of thier personalities, ages, through dialogue and little details woven into storyline? I'd like to see more dialogue - both internal and external.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:

: Imagery was well done, it really catches the imagination. Emotions do come through, fear, confusion, but I felt they could be made stronger by showing the parent's terror and grief building, the brother's suspions growing at what happened to his brother.
Favorite Lines/Parts:

SUGGESTIONS;

:
covered most above.
creeped crept in... [ stick to present tense]
light had have engulfed them too?

CLOSING THOUGHTS;

: A very enjoyable read, would love to read it again if you revise or expand this one!

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131

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#3766806

Review of Nightmares

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importanly, Keep Writing!

TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;

Captivating tittle and description.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

First line strikes immediate curiosity into reader.

PLOT; FLOW;

: Great plot, well executed in such a short piece. Flow is sharp, dramatic, but I did get slightly thrown out of the story a couple of times trying to figure out what was happening. See suggestions.

Characters, Dialogue:

: Main character is believable and well portrayed, but I didn't really get a sense of age or strong connection to her. Dialogue is good, but could use some fine-tuning in some areas.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:

: Imagery is strong, but no sense of location.

Favorite Lines/Parts:

: Ending line, dramatic, but humourous.

SUGGESTIONS;

:
.. emotional deep responce of fear [ show don't just tell]
I'd add, ' Get up' to line with Hurry', otherwise, why is she pondering the words ' Get up?'
I'd like to see the middle drawn out a little after the line about ' Invasion', let readers see and feel her world and what's happening. For me, this would make the story and character more memorable.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;

: An enjoyable read with lots of potential for a longer piece. Writing is sharp and crisp, fast paced.

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132

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#3763201

Review of One Pebble at a Time

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, I am giving you this review as a judge of the;

SURVEY

What a Character! : Official WDC Contest

(E)
Create a memorable character using the given prompt for huge prizes!
#1679316 by Writing.Com Support

Thanks for entering!
Reviews will also be submitted to the Simply Positive Review Group.
Anything said in this review is given as one reader's opinion only and meant simply to provide you feedback on your story. Good luck in the Contest, it has been a pleasure to share your work! With that said, here is my review;

TITTLE: DESCRIPTION: Good tittle, very interesting description that really catches the eye.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: Although the story has a great moral lesson within it and I loved the ending, the long, unbroken narratives did not hold my attention as much as I would have liked. Your opening is a great hook and the ending works really well.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: Kaufman was hard to understand at first, one didn't really know why he was committing crimes, or for what reason, but I felt he'd be a stronger character if just a hint that he was fighting for his freedom came earlier. I didn't feel I really got a chance to know him until too late, dissapointing, because I felt there was so much more to him than I knew.
Kaia plays well against him, but I didn't really feel a strong connection to her either. I think if they had interacted more through dialogue, it would have made both characters stronger and more memorable in my mind.

PLOT: I really liked your plot and storyline - unfortunately they develop rather late in this short piece to really get that 'AH- HAH!'momment when one truly cares about the characters plight. In a longer, more polished piece, this would be a truly engaging story!

DIALOGUE: The small bit of dialogue you had was well done and engaging.

CONTENTS,[Flow,Clarity]: Opening really hooks and engages the reader's curiosity, but the long narrative and slow pacing in the middle tended to make me want to hurry the story along. I really would have liked more of a confrontation between Kauf and Kaia, maybe more than one.

EMOTION:IMAGERY : I didn't get a strong sense of emotion either from Kaufman or throughout most of the story. Kaia seemed to show the most emotion when she told Kauf to run, but she gave in very easily.
Imagery was excellent, my favorite was the description of how his eyes felt in the dark cell. It was easy to picture the metal warehouse.

SUGGESTIONS, TYPOS:
that it only provided him with was a roof...[ delete one word, both with and was are redundant, smooth out the flow here]
Kauf joked [ later on ] try revising: Kauf later joked... [ smooths flow]
I would try using more punctuation, like commas and shorter sentences to replace so many bracketed lines, the brackets are distracting and break up your flow.
[ wires sticking out] [ missing word in red]

FINAL THOUGHTS: Overall, the start of an excellent story, I'd love to know more about this oppressed world they live in and just how many people strike out against them. A plot with excellent potential!

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133

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#3763200

Review of The Redemption of Judas Ray

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hello, I am giving you this review as a judge of the;

SURVEY

What a Character! : Official WDC Contest

(E)
Create a memorable character using the given prompt for huge prizes!
#1679316 by Writing.Com Support

Thanks for entering!
Reviews will also be submitted to the Simply Positive Review Group.
Anything said in this review is given as one reader's opinion only and meant simply to provide you feedback on your story. Good luck in the Contest, it has been a pleasure to share your work! With that said, here is my review;

TITTLE: DESCRIPTION: Great tittle, excellent descriptive line.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: Great opening, it pulls the reader straight into the story and really makes one curious as to what will happen next. I liked the strong flow of this story.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: You did a great job of developing Judas's character and I liked how you included little flashes from his past to show how he ended up as he did. Jimmy too, is well developed, easy to visualize and plays well against Judas. I think I'd have liked Judas's grandmother. I would have liked to see more interaction between Judas and his mother - she didn't really seem to confront him as much as treat him as she had in childhood. The Preacher was easily visualized.

PLOT: I liked the basic plot idea for this story, but the ending did seem a bit hurried and convient considering the man was on speed. I thought the Preacher might at least reconize the name or remember him as a child, that would have felt a little more realistic to me.

DIALOGUE: Dialogue was well done and moved the story forward very well, filling in details without long, drawn out narrative lines. Very realistic and really brought characters alive for me.

CONTENTS,[Flow,Clarity]: Excellent flow, with fast, dynamic pacing. This story held my attention quite well until the last paragraph.

EMOTION:IMAGERY: Emotion for Jimmy was strong and well done. I'd have liked to see more emotion from the Mother and Reverend. Imagery was quite good, but I was a little confused as to location, they seemed to be in a small town at first, than more of a city with the liquor store so close, than back to a real country setting with the open tent revival. You might want to polish and clarify that if you do a longer version.

SUGGESTIONS, TYPOS:
a I saw...
Nothing else I feel would really improve this piece except for notes already mentioned above.

FINAL THOUGHTS: You did a great job of introducing and creating this character, but I didn't feel the family member really confronted him about the crime [ part of the prompt] and my rating is based more on that than the quality of the writing, which was very enjoyable.

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#3763198

Review of For Honor's Sake

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hello, I am giving you this review as a judge of the;

SURVEY

What a Character! : Official WDC Contest

(E)
Create a memorable character using the given prompt for huge prizes!
#1679316 by Writing.Com Support

Thanks for entering!
Reviews will also be submitted to the Simply Positive Review Group.
Anything said in this review is given as one reader's opinion only and meant simply to provide you feedback on your story. Good luck in the Contest, it has been a pleasure to share your work! With that said, here is my review;

TITTLE: DESCRIPTION: Excellent tittle! Description could be punched up to give readers a hint of the story.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: Opening line was an excellent hook, but I got rather lost in the long descriptions afterwards.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: You have many small things that tell us about Everett and his motives for his mis-deeds, but they tend to be very different from each other, and one loses touch with who this character truly is deep down. I felt he would be more memorable if you'd stuck to one motive for his mis-deed.
Sierra seemed too forgiving to be realistic. Weak and needy were my final impressions of her, too eagerto forgive and pretend things were as they'd never happened.

PLOT: You have a very good plot to this piece, it just needs a little more development to really stand out.

DIALOGUE: Although well written grammatically, the end and middle dialogue between Everett and Sierra seemed quite unrealistic.

CONTENTS,[Flow,Clarity]: I felt the flow could have been improved by using more, shorter, dramatic sentences like your opening line. I kept getting thrown out of the story by descriptive lines that really accomplished little, like in paragraph one, what happened on the drive? Was he distracted, having trouble concentrating on traffic, etc. ?

EMOTION:IMAGERY: Emotion is really good in someareas [ Everett'sdescription of his brother] unrealistic in others; [ Sierra's easy agreement he had to do what he did and all was peachy again] Imagery was good, I had no trouble visualizing location.

SUGGESTIONS, TYPOS:
As he drove home that night...[ sentence has little purpose than to describe his clothes, can you add emotion and action here?]
not yet at least [ missing word]
Everett paused, then before he continued.
You need to do a strong revision for punctuation,grammer and long, run on sentences in this piece.
You also have two reasons Everett did what hedid, the boss forced him to save money [ her crime, he couldhaveused it against her] And a mix-up in his work thatled to him needing more time to correct. I'd choose to work only with one to give the story more focus and clarity for readers.So many things made me feel Everett was just coming up with excuses and I lost my compassion/ connection to him.

FINAL THOUGHTS: You have the basics of a very compelling story here, abit of revision and polishing would really make this a meaningful read with a strong message of honour.

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#3763194

Review of The Serpent Medallion

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hello, I am giving you this review as a judge of the;

SURVEY

What a Character! : Official WDC Contest

(E)
Create a memorable character using the given prompt for huge prizes!
#1679316 by Writing.Com Support

Thanks for entering!
Reviews will also be submitted to the Simply Positive Review Group.
Anything said in this review is given as one reader's opinion only and meant simply to provide you feedback on your story. Good luck in the Contest, it has been a pleasure to share your work! With that said, here is my review;

TITTLE: DESCRIPTION: Nice tittle, very interesting, curiosity arousing descriptive line!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: I really enjoyed the mixing of seriousness and humour in this piece, nicely done!

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: I was intrigued by Shanita, she seems to have it all, yet still holds secrets within her mind. She is very easy to visualize and relate to.
Her nemesis,Commander Cranshaw, plays against her well as her brother who knows her secret.

PLOT: A unique, well developed tale of intrique already comes to life in this carefully planned story.

DIALOGUE: Dialogue is strong, very believable to character's personalities.

CONTENTS,[Flow,Clarity]: Flow is good, and it is very clear what 'race'of people we are dealing with here, I did feel a little less reference to snakes would add more mystery to the story.

EMOTION:IMAGERY: Emotions of joy, greed, jealousy and anger were very powerfully illustrated. Imagery is well done, I had notrouble visualizing setting or characters.

SUGGESTIONS, TYPOS:
he grinned, revealing canine teeth...
Serpents crawled up her spine [ I'd revise to a different word here to give a break from so much snake repitition]
her anger rose, bile from the stomach of her fear.. [ confusing sentence, throws reader out of story, can you revise for drama and clarity?]

FINAL THOUGHTS: An enjoyable, captivating read that I'd love to see continued! You dd an amazing job of following the prompt!

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#3763193

Review of The Secret

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hello, I am giving you this review as a judge of the;

SURVEY

What a Character! : Official WDC Contest

(E)
Create a memorable character using the given prompt for huge prizes!
#1679316 by Writing.Com Support

Thanks for entering!
Reviews will also be submitted to the Simply Positive Review Group.
Anything said in this review is given as one reader's opinion only and meant simply to provide you feedback on your story. Good luck in the Contest, it has been a pleasure to share your work! With that said, here is my review;

TITTLE: DESCRIPTION: Engaging tittleand descriptive line!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: Great job on following the prompt! I really got caught up in this tale, so many possibilities for a longer version!!

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: Well done! Both Ari and Dion were so realistic, they jumped off the page. I actually felt a bit sorry for Ari by the end.

PLOT: Excellent plot of deciet and conspiracy, well developed and executed.

DIALOGUE: Strong, believable and moves story along quickly.

CONTENTS,[Flow,Clarity]: Strong, fast paced read that one yet wants to linger over. I was quite caught up in the sub-plots you managed to weave in, would love to read more of these characters stories.

EMOTION:IMAGERY: Strong emotions and vivid imagery make it easy to step into the story and feel it unfold around you.
SUGGESTIONS/ TYPOS:
Try revising opening line to deleteso many 'ly'and 'ing'words close together. Tighten story. ie:
Ariadne sat at the dining room table while she took a calm sip of her second glass of Merlot.'[ you can get it better than that, just an idea]
she she'd taken the knocks...
said in his her ear [ talking/hugging her mom here]
"Crystal."[ this didn't really fit in as an ending here...confusing]

FINAL THOUGHTS: A great read that I had great fun reading!

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#3763190

Review of Driven

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hello, I am giving you this review as a judge of the;

SURVEY

What a Character! : Official WDC Contest

(E)
Create a memorable character using the given prompt for huge prizes!
#1679316 by Writing.Com Support

Thanks for entering!
Reviews will also be submitted to the Simply Positive Review Group.
Anything said in this review is given as one reader's opinion only and meant simply to provide you feedback on your story. Good luck in the Contest, it has been a pleasure to share your work! With that said, here is my review;

TITTLE: DESCRIPTION: Catchy tittle!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: I loved the different threads woven into this story, you've left many optionsopen for continuation.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: Samuels is a strong, three dimensional and truly believable character. Although I certainly didn't like him, one finds it easy to see through his eyes. His step-son is an equally stronly depicted character.

PLOT: The perfect opening to a great polotical thriller! Very well thought out plot here.

DIALOGUE: Strong and believable.

CONTENTS,[Flow,Clarity]: Excellent flow and dynamic pacing keep the reader involved throughout this story!

EMOTION:IMAGERY: Strong emotions draw readers into the conflict well. Imagery is well placed and doesn't clutterthe story with long narratives.

SUGGESTIONS, TYPOS:
mom had had...[ typo]
you your going to pocket...

FINAL THOUGHTS:A crisp, tightly written piece I really hope you finish!!

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#3763182

Review of Speech Therapy

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hello, I am giving you this review as a judge of the;

SURVEY

What a Character! : Official WDC Contest

(E)
Create a memorable character using the given prompt for huge prizes!
#1679316 by Writing.Com Support

Thanks for entering!
Reviews will also be submitted to the Simply Positive Review Group.
Anything said in this review is given as one reader's opinion only and meant simply to provide you feedback on your story. Good luck in the Contest, it has been a pleasure to share your work! With that said, here is my review;

TITTLE: DESCRIPTION: Good tittle and description.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: I loved the strong, fast pacing of this story. It held me glued to the screen straight through.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: Both brothers were equally well developed and realistic. Intense personalities.

PLOT: Strong, well planned and presented. Realistic.

DIALOGUE: Powerful and authentic, it gave the reader details on place, character, and Colin's stutter was an extra authentic flair that gave a most convincing motive.

CONTENTS,[Flow,Clarity]: Well paced, action drips from each scene. Easy to follow, it catches and holds the reader with flair.

EMOTION:IMAGERY: Strong emotion adds drama and realism to these characters. Imagery is well placed and personalized to each character.

SUGGESTIONS, TYPOS:
I She found me...
ton of bricks

FINAL THOUGHTS: A powerful and interesting read that I'd certainly re-read as a longer piece, amazing characters!

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#3763181

Review of When I Had Grace

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello, I am giving you this review as a judge of the;

SURVEY

What a Character! : Official WDC Contest

(E)
Create a memorable character using the given prompt for huge prizes!
#1679316 by Writing.Com Support

Thanks for entering!
Reviews will also be submitted to the Simply Positive Review Group.
Anything said in this review is given as one reader's opinion only and meant simply to provide you feedback on your story. Good luck in the Contest, it has been a pleasure to share your work! With that said, here is my review;

TITTLE: DESCRIPTION: Good tittle, great descriptive line.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: Engaging, filled with drama and humour.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: Maddie's character is well developed and believable.
Aunt Grace was just hilarious, I enjoyed her tremendously!

PLOT: Imaginative and fresh, very well told.

DIALOGUE: Realistic and engaging. Loved the closing line.

CONTENTS,[Flow,Clarity]: A very easy and dramatic flow to this story. Timing and pacing is good throughout and although it is a different perspective- it is believable and very well written. Although I did find it a bit hard to believe the salesman letting her take the car.

EMOTION:IMAGERY: I did feel Maddie could have shown stronger emotions, hopelessness, tears, anger? She didn't leave a strong impression of like or dislike. Imagery is good and helps place the reader in the story.

SUGGESTIONS, TYPOS:
causing me doubtless inconvience. [ unrealistic, it's more than inconvience at that point]
Aunt Grace has had [ use past tense for Aunt Grace]
can could remember...

FINAL THOUGHTS: A fun read that will truly shine with just a slight polish. Very unique use of prompt!

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#3763179

Review of Loss of Control

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hello, I am giving you this review as a judge of the;

SURVEY

What a Character! : Official WDC Contest

(E)
Create a memorable character using the given prompt for huge prizes!
#1679316 by Writing.Com Support

Thanks for entering!
Reviews will also be submitted to the Simply Positive Review Group.
Anything said in this review is given as one reader's opinion only and meant simply to provide you feedback on your story. Good luck in the Contest, it has been a pleasure to share your work! With that said, here is my review;

TITTLE: DESCRIPTION: Interesting tittle and descriptive line.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: An interesting tale of a rather spoiled young woman.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT:Terry's character seems rather shallow and contradictory, she loves her husband one momment, hates him the next. The husband plays quite well against her, but I'd have liked to see him a bit more developed emotionally.

PLOT:Strong,but could use a bit of a fresh twist.

DIALOGUE: Well done, believable for the most part - although I felt a felony charge would be an automatic arrest.

CONTENTS,[Flow,Clarity]: Flow is good overall, I did get thrown out of the story for a bit when the baby stroller was no longer needed, wondered where the baby had gone.

EMOTION:IMAGERY: Emotion was good, but I would have liked a bit more intense conflict between Terry and her husband. Imagery was good, dialogue filled in background well.

SUGGESTIONS, TYPOS:
Just the part when thrown out of story by baby stroller could be stronger in revision.

FINAL THOUGHTS:A pleasant read that many moms can likely relate to.

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#3761883

Review of The Station

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

I really liked the plot and premise for this short story. I did think it would work better as a bit longer piece, possibly let readers get to know the man left behind a little better as the person he was. He is quite compelling as is, but I just seem to get closer to a character when I know his name. How long had he been stuck there? Which era is he from?
I did feel breaking this piece up into a couple of shorter paragraphs would aid presentation and maintain reader interest better - it's a bit hard on the eyes. Imagery and emotion are well done. I really liked the last two lines. Very dramatic in a very engaging story.

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#3756812

Review of Vengeance

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importanly, Keep Writing!

TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;

Excellent tittle and eye-catching descriptive line.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

I liked the quote in the beginning, it sets a great stage for this story.

PLOT; FLOW;

Well crafted plot that intrigues and holds reader interest very well. The flow is smooth and events happen in a fast paced manner that adds a great sense of drama and anticipation to each paragraph.

Characters, Dialogue:

Scott's character is very well developed, brash, outspoken, self-absorbed. The Sherriff plays well against him. The Chippewa Indian is a great twist at the end, although I did guess at the ending about one-third through.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:

: Vivid imagery lends great reader authenticity to this story, it was very easy to visualize the location, tensions and moods of characters. I felt emotions were well shown, the Sherriff's disgust, Scott's self-absorbtion. I did think the Chippewa could have shown more emotion, he was just a tad old western stereotyped.

Favorite Lines/Parts:

When Scott notices the white horse is winning in the painting.

SUGGESTIONS;

Just to try drawing the story out more - maybe a local or a deputy have ideas as to how / why the Senator dies that deflect the actual ending a bit more, maybe Scott has his own theories?

CLOSING THOUGHTS;

A realistic, very enjoyable read that I feel many readers will enjoy.

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#3756795

Review of Thirst

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

You showed the reader great action and horror in very few words. Events move logically, and tension mixed with horror remain high throughout. Curiosity is well used to hold reader attention and the ending was a great, twisted little surprise. My one suggestion is that I found it more believable the creature would rise up more from intense hunger [ thirst] than the smell -after all, it seemed to be it's native habitat. Just a thought while reading.

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#3754417

Review of Citizen's Arrest

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

I liked the mix of humour and drama in this short piece, but I felt it was a great prelude to an even better longer story! Characters are sharply defined and very easy to visualize, the second character reminded me a little bit of the evil twin of 'Monk' from that old T.V. show! I really liked the use of dialogue mixed with short, fast paced pieces of inner narrative to move the story forward, while holding the reader on the edge of thier seat. Great, unique plot and storyline, well planned and well crafted characters really make this story stand out!
An intense and dramatic read!

145

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#3754394

Review of As She Lays Breathless

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

A poignant story of loss and devastation, characters are well portrayed, although it saddened me that not even the minister could find a word of compassion in his soul for the husband, after all, the wife too, had a choice whether or not to get into the car. Imagery was strong and it was very easy to visualize location, characters and the emotions of those there. Anger, sadness, loss and hate come through very strongly in this piece. Suggestions; Capitilize each word in the tittle for stronger eye appeal, great tittle!!
sides [ side] of him, don't need plural spelling here] nearly ruined [ I'd delete nearly, he seems tottally ruined to me] As the image passed, [ comma needed here]
A strong and powerful piece with a well done message against drinking/ drug use and driving. Having been on the side where I lost four close relatives and friends to a drinking driver on Christmas night, I particularly appreciated the dedication at the end.

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#3754378

Review of The Avenger

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A deeply emotional poem about betrayal and retribution. I likedthe strong imagery in this poem as well as the powerful emotions of anger, frustration, pain and anger that the piece portrays so deeply. I did feel a little more punctuation would add to the dramatic scope of this poem. Suggestion; try commas after lines one, three, and so on throughout the piece, with periods on lines two, four, and so on throughout. [ It read much smoother and more dramatically aloud to me this way, so just a thought I wanted to suggest]
I had many favorite lines in this poem, if Ihad to choose one favorite, ' Bolster my courage, never to yield' for the powerful imagery it calls up in my mind.

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#3753679

Review of Stone Cut

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A strongly written poem with powerful imagery that makes it easy to see the man being spoken of in the poem, although the narrator does tend to come across as rather unforgiving at first, on the second read I pictured her more as a person deeply hurt. I did feel that more punctuation would help create natural pauses for readers to catch thier breath and savour the words. Suggestion; commas after lines one through five [ six longer verses] with a period at the end of the last line each verse. You have one typo in the last verse, line one - either the word clocks or needs should be in singular - ie: clock or need [ I'd choose needs] The last verse is my favorite, both for it's message and wonderful imagery.

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#3753004

Review of Never A Spoilt Apple

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Suggestions to strengthen the flow and drama within your poem; commas after lines one through five, periods after line six- all verses, or try commas after lines one, three, five, periods after lines two, four, six each verse. Punctuation is important, it helps create natural rythms within the piece for readers. Your use of strong, vivid imagery made it easy for me to imagine myself outside in the storm, watching the effect on the plants and trees bow to it's fury and relax and rejoice when the sun reappeared. It really transported me out of my everyday point of view into seeing through nature's eyes! A compelling, enjoyabe read.

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#3745319

Review of Night of the Footsteps

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importanly, Keep Writing!

TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;

Good tittle, interesting. Descriptive line drew me in to read the story. It really caught my curiosity.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

You've built lots of tension and conflict with very few words in this short piece. It kept me on the edge of my seat, there's certainly a well thought out storyline behind this one. It really kept me guessing.

PLOT; FLOW;

Well planned and executed plot, realistic and you've done a great job with adding little twists to hold reader interest strong.
Flow is smooth, events happen logically and in a way that doesn't throw readers out of the scenes.

Characters, Dialogue:

Main character is strong, very believable, I felt I was right beside her. I did think a touch of inner dialogue to herself about how many times parent's had warned her, using her name and age, might give the reader a really tight connection with her. Your villain, though fleeting in appearance is well introduced.
POV's existing inner dialogue that sets background and takes us through events is extremely well done.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:

Imagery is very vivid and powerful, I particularly liked how you added in sound through the whistling. Much more that I liked, streetlights, etc. - but don't want to spoil the story for others here!
Emotions of fear, apprehension, relief, shock are all potent and I felt them along with the character.

Favorite Lines/Parts:

Opening paragraph, it tells us much about the character and sets mood and location well.
Closing paragraph, because it is an awesome twist and leaves reader imagination churning! Perfect if you wanted to make this a longer piece.

SUGGESTIONS;

calm, study steady pace [ add comma, correct typo.]
surely certain I heard [ gets rid of passive 'ly' word]
better judgement thought against it whispered, "don't do it."
so I turned back [ delete 'so ', start new sentence with I..
used as weapons [ missing word marked in red]
so was my car. I'm sure. [ redundant, delete this part]
You need to give this a strong revision for missing commas to break up long, run on sentences, maybe make some into two shorter, snappier sentences. See / compare paragraph six against [ excellent pacing] against paragraph five [ longer sentences, need work] for ideas.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;

A sharp, intense read that I'd love to see expanded, I really enjoyed this story!

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#3745316

Review of Paul

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

A heartbreaking tale of life and it's hardships in todays tenuous economy. Excellent plot and storyline, events flow well and the ending is powerful and unexpected. I really liked the vivid descriptions and emotions supplied by the POV's internal dialogue, this story had me riveted from start to finish. I cheered at Paul's change of heart, tears overtook me at his sadness and confusion. This is a story many of us can easily relate to and all of us can learn a lesson in judging others too fast from. My only suggestions for improvement is an edit and polish for missed punctuation, like commas, and the few words you have capitilized where they shouldn't be.. Example; Paragraph Six: Searinly should not be capitilized here, not beginning sentence. An excellent and emotional read.

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