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1,413 Public Reviews Given
1,424 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I provide a detailed review that focuses on flow, storyline, characters and how the story touched me emotionally. I do not focus on grammer or provide extensive line by line edits on longer pieces.
I'm good at...
Character development, emotional content, dialogue, plot.
Favorite Genres
Horror, Dark, Action/Adventure, Thrillers, paranormal.
Least Favorite Genres
Vampire, werewolves, stories based on video games, fan-fiction.
Favorite Item Types
Fiction short stories or chapters.
Least Favorite Item Types
Essays
I will not review...
Erotica or really graphic 'slasher' type horror.
Public Reviews
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26
26
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I loved the title to this prologue, it promises such a dark, chilling ride! Narrator's monologue was enticing and spooky, very good set up to the chapters to come. I got a 'Sixth Sense' type of feeling reading this. Just a couple of suggestions for you to consider;
in the back of your head. [ I'd change 'head''to 'mind [ fits description better]
Final Line; I'd revise to something like;
Or it will be just the start of the worst things you'll ever do. [ Narrator implies that throughout, that he/she does worse things.
An excellent hook to the first chapter, added it to favorites to follow-up when you write more on this!
Keep Writing!

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27
27
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Your title really stands out and is a perfect fit to this piece! Just a couple of things suspended belief for me- how did he hit her in face when he was behind her? Spin her towards him, knock her down, flip her over? Wouldn't she at least try fighting back? This section feels like it needs a little expanding. Didn't she need some medical aid afterwards? I felt the police would at least offer an extra patrol or tell her to call if she noticed anything strange, she is scared and battered after all.
'Am I being followed' shift of POV to first person from third there. How did she temp him, dressing wilder, hanging out where she met him, etc?
Excellent twist at the end, I never saw it coming! Last line is perfect! I think by revising to add a little detail and length/action during and after attack, you'd have a truly stunning story here!

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28
28
Review of Pocket Money  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)

This little nugget of a story made me smile! Great title and description, very eye-catching! Lively, three dimensional characters one can easily imagine on one's own street. A great plot, scene setting is well managed. Timing and voice work very well to pull reader into story. Just a couple suggestions noted;
Randall's shoulder and spun... [ add and]
comma needed after " around'
shrugged Randall... [ revise; Randall struggled out of...]
Favorite parts, Randall's courage, officers appearance. Great dialogue!

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29
29
Review of WORDS  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)

Interesting subject matter, good descriptive passages makes it easy to relate to narrator's thoughts. SUGGESTIONS;
VERSE ONE;
nor [ that] you feel [ adding extra word smooths rhythm.]
no were [ nowhere ?]
I'd add some punctuation to create more natural flow in reader's minds.
commas after lines one, three, five. Periods after lines two, four, six. Similar advice for following verses and double check for typos.
A deeply emotional poem I enjoyed very much.

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30
30
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)

A well plotted, fast paced chapter that caught and held my attention well! Very interesting twists that made me want to read more. I put this in favorites for updates!
SUGGESTIONS;
Shouldn't Cathy be in the room when asking such an important question? Why ask through closed door? I'd want to see daughter's facial response. [ maybe edit/ revise to sharpen/ clarify this part?]
At first I thought Jen and Josh were dating, but they're brother and sister? I imagine that's clear in previous or future chapters? As well as who Jen is and how Josh met her?
comma after 'racing' or revise to new sentence with 'She ran into...
father= farther [ typo]

Very good descriptive scenes, set locations and events very memorably in this chapter! Well done!

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31
31
Review of He Ran  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

I liked your title to this story and you did an excellent job of creating great drama in so few words! I was really captured by the action and your imagery made it very easy to picture these scenes in my mind. Particularly the fight on the other side of that wall. I do have one suggestion that I felt would strengthen and smooth flow in paragraph two;

...over his head. [ period, delete ánd' begin new sentence] The ground erupted around him, [ comma after him] showering him with earth. [ period after earth, new sentence] He stumbled and fell.
An interesting, action packed, captivating little story!

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32
32
Review of I'll Do Better  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. If this review was a review request, thank you for asking me and feel free to ask for clarification on any comment!
Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!


TITLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*: Sharp, catchy title and description, drew me to read the story.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees*: Curiosity kept me reading, I did feel like I'd missed hints, flashbacks as I read because some areas left me feeling I'd missed something important in previous line/ paragraph.

PLOT; FLOW;*Target*: I was intrigued by the plot of this story, but it reads like it could be a longer piece. Flow felt broken in parts because I kept feeling I'd overlooked important information.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*: Characters are believable, but I couldn't really picture them in my mind, too many conflicting snippets that left out important background so I really couldn't connect with one or other to cheer on. Dialogue moves story forward, but adds to feeling of missing something.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR*: Imagery is good for the most part, emotions are strong in characters, yet do not quite conjure same level in reader. I'd like to know more about how they came together, how Fiona hid so well through background check.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*:
opening scene, sparked curiosity.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*:
I continued in thought [ rough] My thoughts continued.
"Give up, Fiona,"he would say. if he were being frank. [ redundant, wordy]
through to him - to father or husband? clarify here.
Wouldn't a supervisor be concerned over this level of obvious stress, offer a stress leave, counselling?
What reasoning, chance? consequences? [ good spot for flashback maybe? I was a bit thrown out of story here]
'It doesn't seem like nothing.'[ wouldn't Harvey pick up she knew about robbery here?
What bruise? Where did it come from on her job? wouldn't husband be used to these dangers?
look over at him [ her] typo.
fat overstuffed recliner...
confusing area- she left in car, next paragraph, she never went to car. [lost me there]
I felt a bit more backstory - either in flashbacks or inner dialogue both suppress as they think it, would help keep reader aware and in story.
did she kill dad, boyfriend? left unanswered, but leaves room to expand on nicely.
I felt charge would be attempted homicide, not abuse.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim*:
You have an incredible plot and outline here that could be expanded into something incredible, maybe novella, novel? I'd add therapy for Fiona, Harvey, trial, etc. A tantalizing story I'd love to re-read after you do your editing/ revisions if any. Write On!


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33
33
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Capitalize all words in title to add eye appeal, draw in readers. I enjoyed your use of imagery, particularly lines 12, 14, 15. Very strong. This poem causes readers to pause and see if they have lived their day to it's fullest potential. I like poems that make me think! There's a nice, easy pacing to this poem, letting readers stop and think as they read. The only other suggestion I really have is to add a bit more punctuation. I feel this would aid flow. Commas after lines one, two, four, six, seven. Just something to consider.

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34
34
Review of Middletown  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Strong feelings in this poem, a feeling of sarcastic despair- yet a longing for older, better times. I felt much anger in the narrator and a sense of jubilation at how the final scene would play out.
Your opening line first caught my attention, than left me rather puzzled at it's meaning as I read the rest of the poem, it just didn't seem to fit. [ probably just me]
I did feel a bit more punctuation would strengthen this poem. EXAMPLE; VERSE ONE:
commas after 'again'' Middletown' Periods after 'black' 'roared'
I'd delete brackets after line 2, verse 6, just leave it as regular line.
A poignant poem of the times that strikes close to the heart for all. Imagery is excellent, Keep Writing!

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35
35
Review of Gift for Natalie  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. If this review was a review request, thank you for asking me and feel free to ask for clarification on any comment!
Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!


TITLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*: Title caught my attention, but it was the description that really drew me into reading, good job there, it fits perfectly!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees*: I like your use of movement and gestures in opening dialogue. It really pulls reader into story and brings the characters alive.I feel like I'm part of their group, very well done! Right into serious conversation presented with humour. I liked that, now they're real people with real life experiences. Simple, easy to relate to revelations. Very nice working in of the prompt line, subtle, adds to storyline. Subtle and natural, holds flow very well.

PLOT; FLOW;*Target*: Exceptional, realistic, well planned plot. Flow is strong, evenly paced throughout the story, my attention didn't waver once!

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*: All the characters are well rounded, even bit characters. Paul is a striking, likeable anti-hero. I did have minor issues with Natalie, she loses some of her realism there, see suggestions.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR*: Imagery is well done, location and settings are alive, easy for reader to slip into with character, ending has particularly good imagery and again movement.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*: Opening, line that uses prompt. Paragraph where the creepy twist appears, ending two lines.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*:
Just a couple small things I noted as I read.
she lets let [ fits into natural flow better I think]
Would Natalie really step outside and close door behind her here? I'd leave door open at least in hope of escape, most likely wouldn't open it at all if I was that afraid and knew who was out there. [ just something to think on]

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim*: I really enjoyed this story, you certainly left enough plot and unanswered questions [ curiosity, drama] to make a much longer piece with this- I could even see a novel in the making! Very nice work, you made a new fan, looking forward to reading more of your work!


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36
36
Review of My Hope  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)

Your title was what drew me to read this poem. I enjoyed the smooth flow and easy rhythm throughout, it gives one time to ponder each thought and sentence. Imagery is great, lingers in the mind long after reading the poem. I did have a couple of suggestions for your consideration.
LINE ONE; 'take from'- I felt 'spoil' or 'defile' might work better here, given implies it is to be used as needed. I also felt that line needed a question mark at the end.
In following sentences, commas or periods would possibly enhance the natural rhythm, particularly period after ending line.
A very moving poem that inspires both hope and thought in it's readers. I enjoyed it very much!

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37
37
Review of The Job  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. If this review was a review request, thank you for asking me and feel free to ask for clarification on any comment!
Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!


TITLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*: Nice title, fits storyline at the end best. Description is completely relevant, makes one curious.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees*: You have the bones of a unique, interesting story here. I think if you add a bit more detail about your main character's motivation in all this and his state of mind, depressed, bored, etc. by showing us, not just narrative, but some internal dialogue as to why he feels this way- you'll add drama and gain reader empathy for him so we care how he feels. As it is, it's hard to understand why he continues on this path.

PLOT; FLOW;*Target*: plot is original, but needs clarification to hold readers to the storyline. Flow is broken by so many long, run-on sentences that seem to have little purpose in moving story forward. Try mixing in some short, punchy sentences, revelations.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*: I didn't really connect to this character because I didn't understand why he was trapped into this routine or why he even had to get up. No dialogue, you might want to revise and add internal dialogue that reveals motivations.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR*: Imagery is hard to see, can you describe the setting better, bedroom, house, apartment, etc.? Emotion could be built up to engage reader sympathies.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*:
His sudden new way of understanding doorways, this gives meaning to story.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*:
LINE ONE; try revising..
My eyes opened. and I stared at the white ceiling above my bed.
how can he see through the ceiling? Could he turn head, roll over to gaze out a window to check out day?
warn worn [ typo]
[ and this makes it all worse] lose brackets, make separate sentence and thought- add detail, why worse?
Why is the door so intimidating? Has something happened in his past that he feels afraid out of his home? ending implies this. Add details, bring reader into story through main characters experiences, thoughts, feelings.
Why can't he change his routine, how/ why is he so stuck in it?

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim*:
You're off to a great start here, a little revising, additions and you'll have a great little dramatic tale. Keep writing!


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38
38
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. If this review was a review request, thank you for asking me and feel free to ask for clarification on any comment!
Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!


TITLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*: Title is catchy, but once I began reading, it didn't quite fit the overall story. Description is very good and very interesting!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees*: I found myself getting lost in a number of sections of the chapter, so much was going on at once! You seem to get ahead of yourself, leaving readers to wonder what happened to part they were reading, ie; what happened to Vikram's desire to write a best seller? What happened to them 'showing' him the story in time machine instead of just telling him?

PLOT; FLOW;*Target*: Main plot sounds very engaging, but you are telling too much too fast, not quite focusing on any one point and we lose sight of storyline. Try making a time-line for your plot and adjust storyline with it. Let the reader experience things with/ through Vikram. Flow is broken up because reader gets lost in constantly changing storyline with little suspense or foreshadowing of events.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*: I couldn't connect to any of the characters because I couldn't visualize them in my mind's eye, particularly Vikram, the main character. Let us see his age, looks, feel his tension.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:{e:BurstR": I'd like to see more setting of scenes/ locations. Where does story take place? small town, city, etc. I didn't feel any strong emotion in myself or the characters.

Favorite Lines/Parts:{e:questionR}: ending line, Vikram finally shows some real action/ emotion and leaves us curious.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*:
center and capitilize words in title in body of story to separate it. Catch the eye.
chock-a-bock try simpler word like 'lined with'
I'd make conversation between Vikram, Ceasar, Morty more serious, at least in beginning, surely Vikram is nervous, shocked? Show us, is he sweating, keeping distance between them, etc.?
use less clichés like 'E.T. here', I felt Morty would be offended by that crack.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim*: Storyline really has great potential and a unique quality, just try planning it at a bit slower pace to build reader interest, add more details, particularly in opening. Good place to give little details about Vikram's age, looks, etc. through restruant manager's eyes.
Keep Writing, you just need a little more detail and planning, your story has plenty of potential!


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39
39
Review of Simply Be  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
What I liked most in this poem were the vivid, strong images in every verse. I also liked it's message. It shows a great depth of feeling and an emotional roller coaster many of us have felt. Your title and description are catchy. A few suggestions to consider;
verse one, line one; use lower case for second word.
verse three, line three; 'now'= 'know'
verse four, line one; if = is
A deeply touching poem with great use of grammer, punctuation and imagery to set a great mood and pacing for your readers!

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40
40
Review of Only a Dream  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Very nice title and description to this story. Fits the piece well, creates interest. I was caught up with empathy for this girl and her feelings. I felt her sorrow at the end and suspected she'd lived what was sung in the dream. Nicely done! Just a few things I noted while reading that could use an edit.
'crowds'= crowd's
out on'I'd try 'onto'
'leaps''leaped'
'mic in my hand and speak' [ delete 'second 'and say into the mic'[ it's already been shown]
'automatically' delete-redundant word
stairs= stares
every sing = single day.
You also should think about adding some punctuation throughout the song itself, give readers a solid feel for rhythm, tone of her song.
A very nice ending to an interesting story with a great message!

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41
41
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. If this review was a review request, thank you for asking me and feel free to ask for clarification on any comment!
Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!


TITLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*: An interesting and catchy title, it really caught my eye. Description fits, but to draw readers I would use it to give a hint at the storyline, I expected another vampire story, it sounds like more than that when read.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees*: Nice use of crisp, punchy sentences to ramp up reader interest, it works very well and creates a fast, entrancing pace to the story. I thought I was reading a male perspective in the beginning. I like how the main character's thoughts follow each other, very natural, although I wondered whom the character was speaking to?

PLOT; FLOW;*Target*: Since this is only a brief intro, the plot isn't really fully clear - but the hint of things to come is very interesting and I definitely wanted to read more! Flow is fast, even paced and very natural sounding as to how a person's thoughts normally flow when speaking passionately.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*: I liked your main character, sure of herself, strong-minded, able to look at self honestly. Slightly defiant.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR*: I would like to have seen a little more imagery used to set location and to be able to see this character, is she small statured, uses hand gestures when speaking, writing? With what? Is she inside, outside, where? Weather? Pull us into her world so we are firmly snared.
Emotion is strong and very easy to get caught up in, one feels what she feels, outrage.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*: Opening, it provides questions in readers to keep them in the story. Same with the ending.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*:
Just a few little things I felt might improve flow and impact of words.
Paragraph One:
Para1; a lie, and really, [ period after 'lie', delete 'and, really,] redundant and wordy. She's strong, she'd know for sure]
Contrary to popular belief, no No, they do not. have to [ smoother, stronger wording.]
PARA2 nights on Fridays,[ try period to break up sentence] I went... made me stutter. [ shudder ?- why would they make her stutter?]
Is 'everything is great' meant sarcastically? if no, why is her life a cliché? A bit confusing there. cliché, something had... [ needs comma]

PARA4; believes me. and really smoothes flow, strengthens her character]

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim*:

A truly interesting start to your novella, plot and premise sound strong and well planned. I was really hooked and cannot wait to read more of this novella!


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42
42
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

An excellent title and description made me want to read this poem. I really enjoyed the intense, easy to visualize descriptions of winter. Very chilling! Line two, although a beautifully written description, did stop me in some confusion as to what a 'sky-wall' is... it could be just me, but you might want to edit that one for smoother flow that keeps readers thought on the unfolding poem. Line eighteen, I felt woman fit here better than 'moment', to tie back into line one and mesh neatly with line nineteen.
Overall, a beautiful poem that paints a wonderful picture of winter for readers!

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43
43
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello,I am reviewing your story because it caught my interest. Please accept this review as simply one readers feedback on your item. No disrespect or hurt is ever intended by ANY comment or suggestion. Use what you find helpful and delete the rest. Your story should be written as YOU see fit.
Thank you for sharing your work!

Title, Description:: I liked the title and description of this story, but felt it would be better if you marked the chapters in the story body area so confusion is avoided for new readers as you add more.

Contents;[Flow, Clarity]:: The overall flow is good, pacing is even and varied throughout. Still, I kept wondering what risk was being discussed and wouldn't he ask Ru to clarify so he could talk her out of the break-up? A bit more information there would add both drama and clarity to the piece.

Plot:: Interesting plot, you seem to have it planned out and know where it is going.

Characters, Dialogue:: I could see the male character quite well, although a little physical description of each would be a nice addition. Ru seemed very young in comparison to him, can you clarify that a little stronger? I liked how you showed us the main character's volatile personality through actions, also his response to the ending of life as he knew it.
Dialogue is realistic, mostly believable except for mentioned above. It really picked up the pace and held reader interest in this chapter!

Favorite Lines or parts;:
opening line, short, powerful and draws reader in with unanswered questions. Ending works the same way! *Thumbsup*

Suggestions::
over and over. And over. [ delete-redundant]
And feels even longer too. [ also redundant]
boss' boss's ?

Closing Thoughts:
I really liked the mixed emotions and powerful feelings expressed in this piece. You did a great job showing them through both actions and brief narration. Inner dialogue is exceptionally strong and moving.
I look forward to reading further into these characters lives!

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44
44
Review of Phoenix  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I found it very easy to visualize and empathize with your narrator in this poem. Overall flow and grammar is good, although I would have used commas after lines one, three, etc. In Verse One, although the description is beautiful, it left me a bit confused until later in the poem, as a labyrinth is usually a maze, so it rather seemed her caller abandoned her in one of these at first.
Verse three, again, lovely description, but line two could use a tiny bit of editing. I found it hard to visualize raindrops cutting. how about;
'raindrops fall like broken shards;
glass crystals that cut [ mar] my face...

'I fear that this will never come to pass'[ by your description, her reaction it already did come to pass?] 'seasoned love', implies a long term relationship. You are almost describing two different things, a] short, fast burning fling, b] long term, deep relationship that fades quickly without much warning.
Just my interpretation, but hopefully provides some food for thought.
I really enjoyed the deep emotional conflict displayed in this poem.

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45
45
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

I was quite enthralled by this story. The title instantly caught my eye and your description is tantalizing, who can resist a ghost story? The events flow smoothly from one paragraph to the next, holding readers interest well. Characters are all three dimensional and easy to relate to, main characters personality is particularly strong. We don't get any real physical details of the characters, yet it still is easy to get caught up in this brief moment of their lives. I particularly enjoyed the realistic, rather tongue in cheek by-play with the dialogue. It really made me grin picturing that event!
All in all, my only real suggestion would be to center the title so it stands out more from the story.
An excellent read and yes, if you had enough of these small stories, I would definitely read the book.

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46
Review of My Wife's Escape  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Great title and description for this piece, it caught my attention and opened up the way for some amusing twists to what I'd expected. It is a bit more like satire than humour as you read. Punctuation, grammer, voice and flow are all well done in this story, what I felt to be lacking was any true emotional show from the husband, one cannot quite seem to connect with his plight, maybe because the story comes across as more of a ford fanatic's love affair than someone truly missing their spouse. A little more interaction between the couple would have added more reader connection- for this reader anyhow- .... Still, the opening of the story was catchy and funny. Your ending was cute, too bad they didn't just take turns escaping with each other in one vehicle though. I did enjoy the story overall, but would have loved to know what happened later on!

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47
47
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)

What I loved most about this short story was the beautiful description woven through the experience. Smell, touch, sight, it is all there, unobtrusive, yet pulling the reader into the experience as surely as if they were there in the room. The smell of the Christmas Tree particularly haunted me. How well I remember it! I also enjoyed the history about the dollar bills tied to the tree, the 'borrowed' stockings. All these tiny details add depth and strength to this story. The flow is smooth and seamless throughout, taking readers on a journey to the past. I felt so many emotions as I read, joy, dismay, sadness, than happiness the ending turned out to be 'almost'. A very strong, thought provoking lesson there for parents, I think! *Smile*
Thank you for sharing this one, it truly brightened my day, and I could see no suggestion to make in any area for improvement, how can you improve a perfect memory?

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48
48
Review of Santa Stalker  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

I came across your little poem searching the Holiday genre- oh my, I am still laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes!! The words summed up the narrators feelings on over zealous Christmas helpers with zest and I loved the strong visual imagery you peppered throughout, my two favorite lines had to be the 'restraining order'line and the 'sub machine gun' line. WOW, sounds like my hubby's Christmas spirit at shopping time! I couldn't find a thing I'd change to make this one better. Thanks a million for the laughs and may you get an awesomely sneaky secret santa! *Bigsmile*


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Review of Forever  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I really liked the strong emotional descriptions throughout this piece. It was very easy to relate and understand what the narrator was feeling. Flow is powerful, fast, and to the point. One thing I noted on reading this poem aloud, was the lack of punctuation which disabled the reader from being able to catch a breath and absorb the full impact of the intense feeling in the work. EXAMPLES;
Lines one through three, commas after last words. Line Four, period at end. Try continuing a similar idea throughout poem and see if you think it helps the overall flow.
Thank you for sharing such an emotional piece!

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Review of Haunted  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, I am here to review your item in the spirit of goodwill and because it looked interesting to me.
DISCLAIMER: Please accept the following comments and suggestions as one readers opinion only. Use anything you find helpful and discard the rest. Your story should be written as YOU see fit. With that said, here is my review:

*CandyCaneG*Title, Description:: Great Title, short and really grabs one's attention. Description arouses curiosity and a desire to read the story.

*GiftG* First Impressions/ Contents:: Your opening line really stands out and hooks the reader perfectly! The story's overall flow and chain of events is smooth and keeps reader focused. It does come across a little dry, maybe some dialogue could help break it up?

*Snow1* Plot:: Plot is unique in subject and it's bare bones are really good. If you could flesh it out a little to give readers a peek into the day to day ways different personalities are affected, I think it might engage readers more, let us really see this world. Try adding smells, tastes, sounds into descriptions for maximum impact.

*SnowMan*Characters, Dialogue:: A little dialogue would help break up the long narrative flow. For such a short piece you've done well towards the end at showing us the main character and letting us feel what he feels, yet I felt little real emotional investment because I don't really know much about him.. how long has he been a cop? Age, looks? Type of officer, jaded or still feeling he can make a difference before main event?

*StockingG*ScotchTape: Suggestions, Typos :
Second paragraph reads a little awkwardly, could you break it down into a couple shorter, punchier sentences instead of first line being one long, run-on sentence?
So most cops... Still, most cops... [ smoother flow, breaks up repetitive sentences a little more.

*Snow2*FAVORITE LINES OR PARTS:
Desription of how Derek aqquires his ghost, pacing is faster and more compelling way of 'showing'readers what's happening.
Ending line, shivery and stays with you!

*XmasTree*Closing Thoughts:
You have the bones of a truly stand-out story here, it just needs a little tweaking and editing in some areas to bring it's full potential to light. Overall, an interesting, enjoyable read!


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