Note: You might want to take a look at this first. "A Message from Your Reviewer"
Hello there Tannus,
I found your item and decided to read and review it. Keep in mind that anything I mention is only my opinion. I only review what I like, and send this review with the idea of helping and offering encouragement, rather than criticism. Please consider my suggestions and take only what works for you and leave the rest behind. That being said, here is my impression.
Title: The title is appropriate to the content of the item.
Premise: Someone goes through a change after getting into trouble.
Format: It could use some help but can easily be fixed.
Flow: The words chosen are simple ones and easy to understand. The sequence of events seem logical.
I liked: I liked that we at least got to see the guys breaking in and having a brief discussion, but when the mother mentions it, we aren't sure how she knew. I think you need to fill in some details, even if minor. She could have been on the phone, or had a detective come to the home and ask questions. He might even overhear it.
Might need edit/revision: The first thing is that you presented the setting first. While we need that, it means that it might not be enough to grab someone's attention. You need a hook, something that raises a story question, which would be answered much later. It can be something ridiculous that shows what the character is like or it can just about be anything as long as it pushes the story forward. You might be starting your story at the wrong point. They say to start in action.
The other thing I noticed was it had dialogue. I love seeing dialogue in someone's work. It often comes with problems though.
In your work, there was no period provided before the ending quotes on your dialogue. Either provide a period, or if you use dialogue tags like he said or she said, then use a comma, and uncap the next word in the sentence, unless it's a name or the word I.
The other thing was that you kept all the dialogue together no matter who was speaking. If there is a change of point of view, you have to treat it like a paragraph and provide a line space after one character speaks. AS a rule, every time you have a new paragraph, you need to give it a line space before that.
It just so happened that day, those names was being used. (it should be were not was. Think it was (singular), they were (plural).
Another problem area which can easily be fixed>
You wrote: I knew them and it was the short cut to Jason's house. Up to the fence line and through the hole. We didn't have cows anymore, so it was no use to fix it.
The second sentence sounds awkward. I had to read it twice to understand it.
I knew them and it was the short cut to Jason's house. When I got to the fence, the hole in it was still there. Since we didn't have cows anymore, there was no reason to fix it. I crawled through it.
Error> It just so happened that day, those names was being used. (it should be were)
This item is pretty good as far as premise goes, but there are several rough transitions. First, I think it needs a sentence or two showing how this started. They could have a brief discussion, or you could write. I don't know when it all started, but I found myself doing something I'd regret later on.
Comments/Suggestions: Be careful of simply telling at the beginning. It can be done but if you give the reader something to ponder then it creates interest and the reader wants to read on.
I am not sure when this guy had an epiphany or why. Is it because the detention center was scary? Have him taste the bland food, the monotonous routine and let him think about what it might be like to live that way for the rest of his days, or better yet let him hear about what happened to some other chap who didn't quite live to have another chance. Two in the place could be talking about it and he overhears it.
It's good that we see a change in the character. I guess I wanted to see where the seed of change started.
ReEally good story about honor and morals and doing the right thing and make a better life before it's too late to do that.
Please don't think just because I mentioned problem areas that this is bad. We all have things to improve on and if I didn't think your story was worth fixing, I'd not even bother.
This item is being considered for "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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