SilverMoon's (dnadream) Reviews

Review Requests: ON

3,598 Public Reviews Given

4,175 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I look at the title, premise, overall structure first. Then I see how it makes me feel. After that, I might comment on little errors which are easily fixed.

I'm good at...

Hmm. Well you'd have to ask the one being reviewed what that be.

Favorite Genres

Paranormal, spy/detective, sci-fi, romantic suspense (hey I'm female and entitled). documentary, psychological and more.

Least Favorite Genres

Anything too gorey depending on how it's done. I don't need every little detail.

Favorite Item Types

First tell me what an item type is. haha

Least Favorite Item Types

An item has to make sense even if it uses fantasy ideas.

I will not review...

I don't like where some writer crammed six long chapters into one item area. I also don't like it if the paragraphs are so long you lose your place reading it. If you don't want me to lose interest and give up, break it up into sections and link it to the next exciting chapters. Nobody wants to sit through a detailed story for hours without a break.

426

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#4334817

Review of I am

Review by SilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi masterprocrastinator,

I noticed your poem and took a closer look.
The beginning of some of the lines should be capitalized.
The repeated lines emphasizes the message and at the end it reeals why. Sometimes we have to remind ouselves of this when we are feeling this way. Many people

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

427

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14 days may be credited.

#4308553

Review of Signature.

Review by SilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (3.0)

It's nice of you to share this. Although it's in black and white, it's pretty easy to see. It makes me curious about what each part represents. It would be nice to see more information about it like which country it is from for example.

That would make a splendid ring.

428

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#4296382

Review of Non-Humans R Us

Review by SilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

I can see you've put a lot of effort into this group. Good job with details. I'm not sure I'm a member but I do read things like this. Currently I read Evermore but also still reading the Harry Dresden files.

Heres a few gift points for your group. My wdc membership us kinda nd of non-existant so somebody might as, well use them.

Ps. I cant seem to read your blogs for some reason.

429

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14 days may be credited.

#4254152

Review of Reflections

Review by SilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.5)

The piece could use some spacing.

I especially liked the last line, which sums it up. It brings up a thought in me.

If we saw ourselves in others would we recognise our goodness?

430

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#4215315

Review of Just a Note...

Review by SilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.5)

I enjoyed reading your item and experience. What you wrote almost anyone can imagine, has been through, or could end up dealing with.

Your feelings were expressed in ways anyone can understand. I too am increasingly disappointed But with how people treat one another or ignire one another.

I was prepared to offer my I'm sorrys but was elated to see tgat you persevered and then dud find what you wanted.

It seems as though it might never happen Or at least not when and how we expect it. Maybe it's a case of right time, right place, etc.

Thank you for sharing.

431

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#4070534

Review of Drowning...

Review by SilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello Princess Zelda ,
I found your item while surfing WDC for items to read and review.

For disclaimer, pass cursor here:

TITLE, PREMISE, CONTENT: The title fits the content of the item. I liked how the stanzas were arranged on the page. EAch stanza with two lines, then line spacing. The words chosen brought meaning to the piece.
Sea, shore, abyss, rock bottom.

I didn't see anything that needed editing.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: This thought or feeling of drowning is felt by some people. I think it's an overwhelming desire to end the misery of whatever the person is dealing with.

At the same time, people struggle to survive, just like this person did before deciding to give up and letting go entirely.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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432

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#4070221

Review of Maverick

Review by SilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello T.C. Abernathry,
I found your item while surfing WDC for items to read and review.

For disclaimer, pass cursor here:

TITLE, PREMISE, CONTENT:
The title works fine for this piece. The premise is believable and it's not until we read further on we get an idea of what has happened and why.

FORMAT/FLOW: Good formatting in this item and the sequence of events seem logical.

I LIKED: I liked the buildup of tension as the "murderer" is trying to get rid of his evidence. With all the things happening, I started thinking these would all be clues later.
I really liked all the details in this which created a visual in my mind. We are there with him.

* A grunt escaped his lips as he pulled the bag out of the trunk and let it fall on the ground with a dull thump.

* The street lights shone a metallic orange on the strip as he entered town.

MIGHT NEED EDITING: There were a few places where some edits might be necessary.
Later on in the story, Frank wasn't capitalized. Also Maverick wasn't capitalized there too.

Oh. Minor detail. Depending on when the dog died, he probably wouldn't smell it yet, but if so, those black trash bags are usually tough but it could accidently get a rip in it which could allow something creepy to happen. (reader allows herself and evil laugh).

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: The way it's written allows story questions to make the reader curious and we just have to read on to see where this goes. Boy, is Tony in some trouble now.

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433

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#4070218

Review of Intro and part of starting chapter

Review by SilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Please realize that anything I say here is just my opinion alone. Only you know how you wish to express something. I am only here to offer encouragement and help should you need it.

Hello Sebastian Lacroix,

First off, what a cool name you have. It looks french, but I could be wrong.
Anyway, I'm here to read your item, but also give you a review.

BASICS
Title: I'm guessing you will title this later.

Premise:
Format: Formatting could use a little help as although there is appropriate spacing, often there are places where there should be a new paragraph. I will explain further on.

Flow: The sequence of events felt natural although a bit mysterious.

What I liked: I liked that this indicated it was in another land. At least it seems like it considering the dialect.

What felt like it needed editing and revision:
What stood out for me at first was that you used the word "as" often. You used it four times in the first paragraph.
I would use other words which indicate what you want to express. Show rather than tell. Here are a few examples which you can use if you like or something like it.
In the intro:
The old man shielded his face from the chill of the wind with a newspaper. (That sentence is more concise and says much.)

Cursing softly at his frail limbs, he crept along toward the monestary.

In Chapter 1:
There are some punctuation errors. Some sentences didn't have a period.
Even in dialogue you need to capitalize the first word.

Personal Comments/Other Suggestions:
This must be for a contest as I just reviewed another one about a place burning down. It might be a good idea to say as much at the beginning or end. Just make sure it's a smaller font or indicate it's to the reader so we know what to expect.

It certainly raises some story questions. We know a little about the characters but there's still so much we don't.
I hope that this review was helpful.
Please let me know if you edit or revise this and I can take a second look and re-rate it.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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434

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#4070215

Review of Life between fires.

Review by SilverMoon

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Please realize that anything I say here is just my opinion alone. Only you know how you wish to express something. I am only here to offer encouragement and help should you need it.

Hello history's bend,
I'm here to read your item, but also give you a review.

BASICS
Title: It seems appropriate to the content of the story segment.

Premise: (This felt like a piece of a much bigger item. And so I will review it as such.)

Apparently there was a fire, but also two people who know each other but for how long nobody knows.

Format: The format looks fine with all the line spacing between dialogue and paragraphs. The way it's done is a bit different while we are in first person POV.

Flow: The events happening feel in the moment.
What I liked: I liked that this raised story questions like:
Who are these people and why does the other person insist that they know each other before a time that the other person could have known.
It's very mysterious because we aren't even sure if either of them are female or male.

What felt like it needed editing and revision:
I wanted more details about these two people. What they look like, how old they might be, maybe a hint of whatever they were before. It hinted at the shadowy person maybe being a ghost or something else. I wasn't quite sure where thhis was going. The person could just be elusive or the place haunted.

The mention of the sound of glass was almost descriptive but I wanted more. In what way did it sound like. Glass has no sound unless there's a reason for it to have it.

I know you wrote. the sound of glass underfoot but it wasn't quite as descriptive if you had used other words. Was it the crunching of glass as if someone stepped on it? or maybe the wind picked up and blew a few pieces loose and when it landed on the floor where the stranger was it made the smallest of sounds yet so easily heard in the aftermath of this fire?
I could see you were trying to use the senses and that parts good but be more specific.

half burned probably should be half-burned.

I would add just a few more details to this, so we get an idea of who they are. Just a little bit and later on you could add more if there are more segments.

Personal Comments/Other Suggestions:
I thought maybe you created this for a contest and had to use certain elements or restrictions.

I hope that this review was helpful.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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435

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#4068806

Review of Open Door To Grace ♥

Review by SilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (5.0)

II came across this today and thought I might review it. I like the idea that people have a place to come and ask for prayer and/or pray together. I tried to enter but it said I need a passcode but I wasn't sure how to get that.

I did notice a link for a prayer hotline. I'll try that shortly. My membership is expired but worse yet, my purse was either stolen or left behind. I'm not sure because one minute I had it with me, next it wasn't there. My ID and bankcards were in there too. This happened two months after my dog had to be put down. Yes, the same dog I'd asked for prayers before that was ill. She'd gotten better or so I thought.

I will request prayer if it allows me. Other than that this page looked good with it's paragraphing and the words used were simple and easy to understand.
Good job.

436

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#4046684

Review of Round & About

Review by SilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello there Aya,
This is your Dream Team Halloween review. You may have received other reviews because you were either gifted by someone or won the item in a Dream Team raffle or other event. That being said, here is my impression.

Note: I somehow accidently deleted the previous review I had written and so I decided to go back and rewrite and rereview it.
Sorry about that.

Title/Premise:
Appropriate title to the item content.

Format: The paragraphing looks good except for at least one where there is no line space between it and another.

Flow: The idea is mentioned at the beginning about what this will be about.
And then goes on to explain further giving examples.
The essay is expressed using simple words and in a way in which anyone can understand.

Impression:
WE see the usual routine of checking in luggage, and passing by passengers, and boarding the plane. We feel the coolness of the lounge while this passenger is reminded of her neighbor's dog, Pepper and it's attention span.

I liked:
I liked the little things like knot in the stomach. This enhances the piece and makes us be there experiencing it all.

I especially like how this creates a feeling in the person as she feeels close to God and what adventures might be in store for her, but mostly the peace found in truly being alone with your own thougths and not anyone interupting or judging them..

Might need edit/revision: Just one area and that was mentioned eariler.

Comments/Suggestions:
I find this same sense of peace when I visit the forest, especially the giant Redwoods. It too gives me this feeling that nothing else matters and helps me refocus on what's really important to me. There are no bills, ringing phones, or demands while there.

There is only peace, quiet, beautiful sights, sounds and scents. It is my favorite place to be. And yes it is there I can silently share the beauty found knowing where it all came from. I also find this driving on a country road beaneth the shelter of giant trees. It is there i talk to God.
I just wish I could share it with other people who might also understand and experience the same.

This item is being considered for "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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437

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14 days may be credited.

#4046681

Review of Round & About

Review by SilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello there ,
This is your Dream Team Halloween review. You may have received other reviews because you were either gifted by someone or won the item in a Dream Team raffle or other event. That being said, here is my impression.

Title/Premise:

Format:

Flow/Rhyme/Rhythm:

Impression:

I liked:

Might need edit/revision:

Comments/Suggestions:

This item is being considered for "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

.

Clicking on the image takes you to our group homepage, where you might leave thanks, comments, or requests for reviews.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

438

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14 days may be credited.

#3984499

Review of Depression

Review by SilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Please realize that anything I say here is just my opinion alone. Only you know how you wish to express something. I am only here to offer encouragement and help should you need it.{/i}

Hello there my friend, Thomas Seeker,
I'm here to read your item, but also give you a review.

Personal Comments/Other Suggestions:

Because this is a personal reflection I decided to not review it in the usual way.
I read this all the way through, and it felt urgent and honest and was so full.of emotion. I believe you did a good job of sharing the inner turmoil which people can relate to. There were some areas which just about brought tears to my eyes. In factx I felt the moisture threaten to spill out.

I know some about this depression and it feels like some crazy roller coaster rid, where your going steadily upward only to suddenly plummet down as if it might end just as quickly.

I've felt it most of my life, yet try to live in the moment. A d so nobody sees this dark side of me.

I cant quite put my finger on exactly what happened to cause it to be in me in the first place except I know its not just the current event but something much deeper.

What often occurs is I blame myself for being or at least feeling so weak.

The part about the sun shining and birds singing Reminds me that all is not lost. That regardless of how I feel or react,or how someone else reacts there is a constant which brings me joy and its mine to enjoy as I wish and when I wish and while I can.

Get out in nature if you can find that solitude and peace and it will hell you feel balance again. I consider it God's gifts and find comfort I. Tgat when I feel as if being human feels so harsh.

I suppose this might just be experiencing "what is not, in order to more appreciate the what is". I think you know what I mean as we do mentally connect in that way.

Thank you for sharing. I hope that this review was helpful.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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439

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#3953407

Review of My fears were for you

Review by SilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hello blind desire,
I found your item on your port, and I'm glad I did.

For disclaimer, pass cursor here:

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

IMPRESSION: This piece, reveals emotions which rise with each line until its quite intense. Its almost like it's alive--a raw emotion untethered and free at least for the moment.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS:
I liked the last two thirds of it best where it seems to escalate and overflow.

It may be because of the short quick lines which feel like action.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Dreamin1

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440

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#3940035

Review of Reversion

Review by SilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.0)

~~

Hello Jeff,
I found your item while surfing WDC for items to read and review.

For disclaimer, pass cursor here:

TITLE, PREMISE, CONTENT: Title is fine. the premise is unique as not too many writers choose the setting.

FORMAT/FLOW: Formatting looks good in this item with its properly spaced paragraphs and sets of dialogue. Simple words used and sentence structure make this easy to read an understand.

I liked that this started off with a story question. It makes the reader want to know more.
The tension was immediate as we see these two interact. The setting was seamless so that we knew where they were by what they were doing.
More on this below.

MIGHT NEEDED EDITING: I kind of felt like the merman gave in too easily, yet I liked his comment about not being able to stop her.
Although realistic, I didn't like her character though as she seems rather callous. And fake as some people are. I this was your intent then you did well.
I also liked that you summarized their background an first meeting

Before reading the rest, I almost would have suggested that she didn't wake up seeing his face, but maybe let her wonder just who saved her. It would raise another story question.

Then again, maybe the second rescue could happen like that since more than likely the merman didnt want to take a chance and go through another heartbreak. This would allow the reader to get to know the characters first. plus use descriptions more. Think of Aquaman. Maybe somehow he finds a way to be on land too
He might have time restrictions though so he can survive. He could even have a job where it allows him easier access without raising suspicion.

Maybe hes rescued small children or sailors too, yet remained somewhat anonymous somehow.

SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS: See above. You could do so much with this idea and create scenarios and sequels.
Its up to you whether you want to go further with it. Just know that its possible

Thanks for the read.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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441

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#3920933

Review of Affordable Care Act Complaints

Review by SilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Please realize that anything I say here is just my opinion alone. Only you know how you wish to express something. I am only here to offer encouragement and help should you need it.

Hello James Joseph,
I'm here to read your item, but also give you a review.

BASICS
Title: . The title is appropriate to the content of the item and it causes the reader to be curious and so feels as though he or she wants to find out more.
Premise:. Affordable health Care/ Obama Care. It has pros and cons.

Format:. The paragraphing weren't too long and the linespacing created whit space which makes this say to read and understand

Flow:. The words. Chosen and varied sentence lengths keep this fresh and informative.

What I liked:. I like how the writer explained wha as about to be discussed but then web on to explain each of the areas more closely.

What felt like it needed editing and revision:. Although I likes that you tried to share the we pages, it wasn't prividing the outside link. There is a way to do that yet I forgot how. Wdc Tech help might tell you if you leave a message in the support area. It's located on the right upper side.

There was a few places where when you gave examples. Which should have had its own paragraph.
I'd write out the number two. Rather than use its.
Numeral.
Personal Comments/Other Suggestions:
Please forgive the mistakes in my reply. This review was done by the one finger typing method since I'm using an iPod.

The item is written well despite a few errors. Thanks for sharing.

Rating: 4.5

Overall. I liked reading this item because it explains how a plan was approved although it had many problems. And causes even more problems to implement it.
I hope that this review was helpful.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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442

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#3874893

Review of Adventure for Love

Review by SilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Note: You might want to take a look at this first. "A Message from Your Reviewer"

Hello there Maryann,

I'm back again and found this item but also a

. :)

As for the review: Keep in mind that anything I mention is only my opinion. I only review what I like, and send this review with the idea of helping and offering encouragement, rather than criticism. Please consider my suggestions and take only what works for you and leave the rest behind. That being said, here is my impression.

Title: The title fits the content of this item as we see Pooca do what she needs to in order to prove herself to her future husband's parents.

Format: the formatting looks fine the way it is.
Flow: The words chosen were simple ones. The sequence of events seemed logical.

What I liked: The young woman depicted in the story shows how a person will do anything to be with the one they love. In this case, she must do this task for his family. It seems like quite a feat and she is brave to go forth with it. Upon her return she will be united with the one she loves.
The story had a beginning, middle, and end. There was tension mounting as she ventured to the new land. And anticipation on her return. Reader was excited for her that she was able to follow through with it.

The details were good also, like when she felt apprehensive and touched the necklace given to her by her future father in law. Nice show of emotions.

What might need edit and/or revision:

I read so much about Patrick that I grew fond of him and was almost confused by it as Pelo, the one Pooca adores, was not there so we didn't know what was going on with him.

There were some repeated words in the sentences in the same paragraph. There were also punctuation errors such as a left off comma or you forgot to uncap the next word after the dialogue. On those you might want to edit it to make it more concise yet say the same thing.

I will give an example of the punctuation errors. Usually a writer does the same thing further on in the work, so you might want to check the rest of it and before these two.

Here> “Can I help you?” A pretty young lady questioned in a friendly voice. (A should be a)
and here:

“Hello. We are planning to buy many items in your store, and I guess we will choose medical supplies first.” I said shyly. (comma goes before the last quote)

There were many sentences that started with I, but I was relieved to see that many weren't. Changing it helps keep the writing fresh.

Personal Comments/Suggestions: When I first started reading this, I had pre-conceived ideas about it. I thought it might be yet another story about how two people met and fell in love. AS wonderful as it is, usually it's a "you had to be there" to understand event. I was happy to see that it was much more than that.

The interesting thing is this was set in a time that most of us haven't seen, but only heard about, yet with the descriptions it felt real.

Thanks for sharing.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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443

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#3874623

Review of Ma'am, you forgot your cash.

Review by SilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Please realize that anything I say here is just my opinion alone. Only you know how you wish to express something. I am only here to offer encouragement and help should you need it.{/i}

Hello again 2serious,
I'm here to read your item, but also give you a review.

Title: Appropriate

Premise: An encounter at the teller machine.

Format: It looked good on the page. nicely paragraphed. Good line spacing.

Flow: The words chosen are easy to read and understand. The sequence of events seem logical too. .

Liked/favorite parts: I liked the questions that you bring up about why this other person took the money that wasn't hers. Unfortunately, some people have no integrity.

Might need edit/revision:
the word forget should probably forgot (when she got her groceries and the reciept)
Also you wrote she put it in the back, but I think you meant bank.

The questions are legit but you might want to use commas so you can combine some of them in one sentence.

Personal Comments/Other Suggestions: I"m sorry that this happened. It's an easy mistake. I had it happen at a hardware store which was about to close.

By the time I remembered my mistake, the doors had closed and I was on the phone calling them. They never found the money but did give me a discount on my next purchase. It was my fault though. And I needed that money.

When I have too much happening around me, I tend to lose things or forget. Seems like there is so much to remember these days. When did our lives get so busy with a card for everything? I'm betting I could wallpaper my bedroom wall with all the cards I have had to get for grocery stores, banks, auto club, etc. I might have to put a filing cabinet on wheels one day and a steering wheel too.

Sorry. I'm being a bit facetious. Can't help myself.

Anyway, You did a good job on this item. I can see an improvement in your writing.

Thank you for sharing. I hope that this review was helpful.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

444

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#3874620

Review of Corrected First Attempt

Review by SilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Note: You might want to take a look at this first. "A Message from Your Reviewer"

You can ignore the message above.

Hello again 2Serious,
I revisited your page while looking through old reviews. I found that item I had reviewed and sent a message, not realizing you edited the item and put it in this new item area.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: I'll say it again. This was a fun read. I'm glad you edited it because it looks so much better now with its paragraphs and line spacing.

You might want to put the original title up there and then explain in the description it's an edited version as of whatever date you did it.

Anyway, I loved the humor and the details you added to this.

Write more like it, okay. I need something to read. :)

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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445

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#3874619

Review of As we grow older...

Review by SilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

I re-read this and I'm not sure if you edited it or not, but this still makes me laugh. Now I have to give it a higher rating because there's not too much that makes me laugh every time I see it. And I can appreciate that.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

446

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#3874548

Review of Hope?

Review by SilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: ASR

| (3.5)

Hello Jack--Save me from Myself,

I was looking through your port and found this

. I might as well read and review it. Keep in mind that anything I mention is only my opinion. I only review what I like, and send this review with the idea of helping and offering encouragement, rather than criticism. Please consider my suggestions and take only what works for you and leave the rest behind. That being said, here is my impression.

Title: Judging by the question mark. I believe this asks a question.
Premise: It's a bit obscure but I think the person has been severely let down.
Format: The format is okay. It is split up some, maybe to emphasize the premise.
Flow: The word choice is simple ones, but the thoughts seem abstract.

What I liked: The first few lines had some description in it. That allowed us to see what the character is doing, but also set a mood.

What might need edit and/or revision:I would try to make this more clearer. Although I realize something isn't right, I am not sure how to fix it. \

There were a lot of questions asked midway through the item.

I'm pretty sure the rose is symbolic. Either that or I am reading way too much into this. That tends to happen with art also.

Personal Comments/Suggestions:My guess is that this "rose" would be the ideal mate, this one he longs for. The person in the poem has already experienced the thorns, and wonders if he will ever see the "rose". On the other hand, I might be way off. I simply couldn't tell which made more sense to me.

Considering the bolded sentences. I'd Sometimes someone took a chance and returned to wherever this is and things didn't turn out so good.

Thanks for sharing this with us.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
Hope
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#3874263

Review of Courage and Sunflower Seeds

Review by SilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hello Maryann,
I was hunting around in your port for something g to read and review and found this.

For disclaimer, pass cursor here:

TITLE, PREMISE, CONTENT: The title is fitting.
Brother and sister decide to discover what might be found in the forest. While there they find a strange looking object.

FORMAT/FLOW: the format works well for this with its paragraphing and appropriate line spacing. Words and sentences are written in a way which is easy to read and understand.

I LIKED: I liked how the children were portrayed and interacted like children do. There is a playfulness.

The tension started when the children discover the strange looking object. It increases when a door opens and a being greets them. She seems friendly enough but as events sometimes happen. Things are not as they seem. Still the children are curious although cautious.

The writer has foreshadowed by way of the mention of the sunflower seeds which end up helping their journey later. It adds interest that the boy had scolded his sistèr for making messes.

MIGHT NEED EDITING: There isn't much I'd want to change about this item.
The story is reminiscent of the Hansel and Gretal story. Yet different enough to make it fresh and interesting.

I might have chosen a few of the words in the story for the title.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS:
There were some areas where the sentences led with she then showed her doing something. To avoid repetition. It might be good to reword it while saying the same thing. Sometimes the character is moving about and it can be used as the introductory clause.

The alien ended up restrained in that place where the girl would have been. I'm still wondering if the woman's friends might show up there or the craft would be rediscovered. Yet the answer to that isn't. Necessary.

This was fun to read. Thanks for sharing.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3874222

Review of Once Upon A Time

Review by SilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello Taryn,

I'm here to read and review your item. Keep in mind that anything I mention is only my opinion. I only review what I like, and send this review with the idea of helping and offering encouragement, rather than criticism. Please consider my suggestions and take only what works for you and leave the rest behind. That being said, here is my impression.

Title: The title causes interest in the reader although this has been used many times.
Premise: A feeling of loss is revealed.

Format: The poem is written in one long segment. I'd break this up in certain places. like right after a given thought is expressed, and then use line spacing and then continue where it was left off.

You wrote:
Once upon a time in a not so distant land,
there was a woman who had fallen in love
with a knight of a man.
Her love, as true and rare as diamonds.
Her dreams, sparkling like gold ; (extra space unneeded)
fueled her hunger for happiness untold.

* {there was a hint of rhythm and rhyme there but is not continued below)

She thought nothing could shake her incredulous faith
that love conquered all. (maybe where might be a better word her than that)
Until one day her infallible knight
told her a tale of infidelity,
of two ships passing in the night.
And just like a piece of coal that cooled
after coming alive in a blaze of fire;
her dreams had been reduced to ashes
of unfulfilled desires.
Her heart like a rock
thrown into still waters that run deep,
sank so low she couldn’t breathe.
Her knight in shining armor had turned out to be a cad.

Flow: The sequence of expression seems appropriate as things seem to change from better to worse.
The words used and how they are arranged are easy to read and understand.

What I liked: I liked that she was able to move on, even though it hurt her. Not everyone can do that, and those that can find an inner strength to do that.

What might need edit and/or revision: I would reword it a little, and try to make it more concise while saying the same things.

Two ships passing in the night is well known idiom, and a little bit cliche. You might want to make up your own like that with the same meaning. Think about what other things pass by each other without recognizing the other. I'm thinking of drivers along a one lane highway. or the shooting stars in the night sky.

Personal Comments/Suggestions: I liked the rhyme in this but it's mostly at the beginning and end.
I would reverse the last lines so it ends on a positive note.

If this is a personal experience, I'm sorry for your loss. It can be heartbreaking when you invest your time and energy but mostly your love and then have to let go of it.

Thanks for sharing.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3871952

Review of Flickering Love

Review by SilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Please realize that anything I say here is just my opinion alone. Only you know how you wish to express something. I am only here to offer encouragement and help should you need it.

Hello Myopensud,
I'm here to read your item, but also give you a review.

BASICS
Title: . Good

Premise:. The firefly and the star have an encounter.

Format:. It is done in stanzas with appropriate line spacing between each.

Flow:. There is rhyming in this yet some words look okay but aren't really rhyming. Nice try though.

What I liked:. The firefly had high hopes and it's spirits were lifted as the shiny star shone brightly maybe even twinkled but sadly the star watched as the firefly fell away.just the sheer size between the two is contrasting which makes this an interesting pair. The distance also is apparent. Could be that even though the firefly wishes to join the star, he or she will try anyway regardless Iof the difficulty.

This seems to happen in real life too. You reach for the stars. Yet it seems like you never get there.

What felt like it needed editing and revision:. The stanzas are all different lengths. Some are five lines and some are six. Etc.
I would make this more concise by having then either equal or show a pattern of it.

Personal Comments/Other Suggestions:
Funny that I found this item because I was just thinking a our fireflies last night when I could t sleep.

I remembered seeing them when I was a little girl. Sometimes I'd just stand out there in the dark watching them floating around like in a cloud.

I was so delighted by it that i had decided to capture them and use them to make a lantern.

Unfortunately my brother told me that they would die if i tried to keep them in a jar and that only if I removed their back end would they light.
You can guess what happened.

Yes those poor little fireflies died. Plus the part that lights up wouldn't. And so I never tried that again.

I hope that this review was helpful.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3871687

Review of Rise Up

Review by SilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Please realize that anything I say here is just my opinion alone. Only you know how you wish to express something. I am only here to offer encouragement and help should you need it.

Hello again Thomas Seeker,

I'm here to read your item, but also give you a review.

BASICS
Title: . It works for the content of the item.
Premise:. The message is clear. Do not fear death.

Format:. The item looks attractive on the page with its white spacing

Flow:. The sequence of lines helps us understands what this is about. It is written In easy to read words.

What I liked: there is a feeling of reassurance that although the body expires. There is more to it than just that alone.

What felt like it needed editing and revision:

Where it says >now we live though you. I wondered if that should ha e been through you instead.

There might have been a need for commas in some parts.

Personal Comments/Other Suggestions:

You have created some inspirational messages which almost anyone can appreciate.
I hope that this review was helpful.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Drop by our group room by clicking on the image below. You can leave comments, thanks, request a review, or even join our team.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .