 Hello there Sage Blacke,
I noticed your item and decided to give it a read and review.
What I share here is only my opinion and I offer this review with good intentions. It is up to you to decide if anything I say works for you or not.
That being said, here is my impression.
Enjoy.
 Title: I would put the name before the Chapter number. AT least you did title it. Some writers don't title it because they aren't sure what the title will be until later. I'd use anything like a place holder until you find something more suitable. Since I have no idea what this story is about, I couldn't give suggestions. Often times a writer will find a few or a trio of words and use that for the title.
I just got through listening to an audio podcast about story beginnings. In it, a well known author (I forget which one) said that a good story reveals what it is about at the very beginning. Of course, you couldn't have all the details there either. If you did, then who would bother reading it since we already know what is going to happen?
 Impression: This so reminds me of Twilight characters. Even the name seems familiar. I could be wrong and if so, ignore what I just wrote.
I suspect that the little hints about the male character's eyes might be that he's a creature of some kind. That's good if that's what you intended. It's called foreshadowing, just don't give it away. A hint is one thing. Too much is overkill.
 Format: While I like dialogue, this almost feels like too much. We aren't sure which parts are important. Let the important parts be done with dialogue. Try to balance it out between exposition and dialogue and action.
 Flow/Rhyme/Rhythm: The sentence rhythm was varied which is a good thing. Try some short sentences, but also some long ones.
I liked:
 Might need edit/revision:
AT the beginning, you have her touching the top of her hair. I think if anything, it should be the top of her head where her bun is. RAther than say that, let her touch her bun.
e:idea} Reaching up, I fingered the bun at the top of my head, checking to make sure it wasn't coming loose. A few stray tendrils flowed loose anyway. (it makes the reader feel there seeing her do this. Also since unless she is seeing her reflection on a mirrored surface she wouldn't describe her hair. You could always let another character describe her, and even so, don't reveal too much at one time. It will read like a police bulletin.
* How does a school bell ring furiously? You could say something like:
The shrill sound of the school bell was still ringing in my ear as I walked down the hallway (or corridors) of the school. (I'd even be specific about what school. Give it a name. Dupont High or whatever.
What's good about this first line is we already know where we are and can guess why the character is there, but we aren't sure and so it raises a question. YOu want that to happen often. Raise a story question and later on you can answer it, yet even so, do it gradually.
* To be honest, I was a bit annoyed at reading a lot of words which had ly at the end of the sentences. This is what is called overuse of adjectives. Instead of using ly words you need to find other words which mean the same thing.
For example:
I said softly. (could have been> I whispered.) or (I said mostly to myself.)
You can even have her say it and then wonder if she said it out loud.
Also beware of using the same words often in the same paragraph. It ends up being repetitious.
* Do not end every piece of dialogue with ly words either. For one thing, you do not need a dialogue tag on every single set of dialogue.
* When you write dialogue, keep that character's actions with his or her dialogue, then skip down one line and let the other character have his or her turn at it. Do the same throughout your item.
* Comma error:
“Brittney, I don’t feel so good today,” I said softly, scratching the top of my blonde hair; which was in a bun. (as I mentioned above, I'd edit this sentence for clarity, but I also added the comma before the last quote. You have the dialogue tag and so you need a comma. I might have wrote it differently. "Brittney, I don't feel so good."
"Are are you sick or did you get your monthly gift?" (I always thought it was a visit from her aunt in Redbank. So many versions of this. I wonder if it's considered a cliche. Although this is okay, you might try to think up something that means the same thing but is different. Readers love it when a writer does that.)
You wrote: Upon her t-shirt bared a quote from the book “Twilight.”
(the word bared fit this sentence better than beared, since bared is like being naked)
When you show the dialogue between Bella and Edward, you need to set it off so we know it's a quote. The way it is we can easily get confused as to whether or not this is our characters talking or the repeated quotes of the Twilight characters. I am not sure how but if anything you could indent them or even use italics. Often times italics are used to indicate what someone is thinking, but here maybe it would work for what you are trying to do.
This helps us go to the remembered quotes and then back out again without it being a rough transition. Just don't forget to close the wml if you do that. YOu don't want your whole item to be in italics.
* When you use numbers, try writing it out. Use three instead of the numeral 3.
* The teacher's name fits, although her dialogue was split up when it says she "took role". I think you meant roll or roll call.
Keep her actions and dialogue together unless someone speaks or something else happens, like maybe a distraction.
Many of the same things happen throughout your first chapter. Often times a writer will do the same things as the story progresses.
You might try editing it so that you get used to automatically fixing these small problem areas when it happens again.
Plus readers will want to keep reading, but if it has too many errors, they will lost interest and you don't want that either. That doesn't mean it has to be perfect. It means that you are trying to make it more cohesive and also meaningful. I have not even touched on other things like imagery yet. I think this might be enough for you to work on first.
I have edited items of mine so many times you would laugh. I could wait but in some cases it helps me so I can let go of it and concentrate on the next several chapters.
Whatever you do, keep on writing. Get your story down even if it has errors.
This is a good thing. If a reviewer is willing to review your item it means that although it has errors, it can easily be fixed. You just have to be willing to work on it.
 Comments/Suggestions: I think I might have written way too much, but felt it necessary. Let me know if you edit this.
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Hello mae,
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Hello J.R.Dewesse,
