I like how Carole sticks to her dream of eating continuously, even if it meant getting into trouble with her work. Just wishing upon a star made a difference in bringing her dream to reality. The entire story is very short and to the point.
Carole sticks to her dream of eating continuously. It is consistent throughout the story as her dream becomes a reality.
Carole is tired of her everyday life and longs to have her dream being made into a reality. She gets excited when her dreams becomes a reality.
Follow your heart and passion and not give up.
This takes place in a town from Carole's work, to her drive home, and then the food court and cake shop. The setting is consistent.
Carole is driven by her dream of eating continuously with a passion. She has one goal in mind.
What I like:
Carole's dream becomes a reality when she becomes the blobwoman.
Maybe add the scene of Carole taking half the donuts before chapter 1 to add suspense.
Add more emotion in some areas, like showing eagerness to eat more.
Chapter 1: "'Don't you give me your old sweet talk trick'" needs a comma at end
Chapter 1: "'...I'll achieve my dream in one way or another'" add a . in end
Chapter 1: "'I wish there was someway...'" somehow (unless it's a word in British English too)
Chapter 1: "'...that I could just eat all the time'" needs . at end
Chapter 2: "'...I should've known it was only a fantasy'" needs . at end
Chapter 3: "'...This is amazing!!!', 'I'm becoming Carole 2.0'" remove the comma between amazing and I'm and put comma after 2.0
Chapter 4: "'...That's so cool'" add . or ! after cool
Chapter 5: "'... as I’ve not been here a while'" add . after while
Chapter 5: "'...what you’ve given me master'" add , after master
Chapter 6: "'...that massive behind I’d developed'" add , after developed
Chapter 6: "'... worth it “Thank you master for everything that you’ve given me'" add . after it and me
Chapter 6: "'...whatever I want like this'" add . after this
Chapter 6: "'... that there’s a new girl in town.... add " after town
This story shows a lot of potential. Instead of being the point of view of a villain, Carole is the main character and society being against her instead. I think more emotional details could really make her stand out. Great work!