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Thank you for having confidence in me to do a review of this manuscript and to offer you my input. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.
First and foremost, I do have to give you full disclosure regarding Script/Screenwriting. Although I have a little background with this format, I have not attempted to write one at all. My scope of knowledge is limited at best. This is going to be a learning experience for us both. Fair enough?
To borrow Kathy Mackel's words in her article Screenwriting vs. Prose, she said, "Film is the ultimate in the "show, don't tell" category of good writing. In prose, the writer uses words to suggest images, sounds, and feelings, but the reader ultimately creates the life of the story in his or her own head. In film, the camera removes any doubt about the beauty of a sunset or the horror of a battle. You don't imagine it - you see it."
You have demonstrated a good portrayal of the three characters in this screenplay. Each actor is a star in his/her own way which contributed to the life and action as the story moves along and hooks the reader from beginning to end.
I also want to point out that cliches are frowned upon by editors, proofreaders, and agents, but you have used it here cleverly. I like it. I use cliches sparingly. I only use it if it will enhance the reader's understanding of what I am trying to convey.
SPENCER: I’m not a mind reader for crying out loud!
AARON: For crying out loud?
AARON: Have you really been crying out loud, Doctor?
SPENCER: Yes, inwardly. You do not see your attitude would really make one shout out loud?
AARON: Sorry, I’m only very tense.. [Make sure you have three dots with your ellipsis]
SPENCER: Anyway, one says “for crying out loud” just for emphasis. [Anyway, just a minor fix: For quotation inside a quotation, replace your "double quotation marks" with 'single quotation marks.'
As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation,*Point of View (POV)
*Element of Conflict,*Climax, and Spelling are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity, readability and conciseness:
Spelling nuance between British English and American English. Depending on who your audience is, it's probably worth your while to make a distinction on what spelling to use.
[The following look acceptable in American English but using z instead of s is preferable.
phantasmagorical [I am learning this new word from you today and I like the sound of it. Never seen it used before.]
Presentation of Numbers
Times of day. When you are not spelling out the times (seven-thirty; a quarter before eleven this morning; half-past nine; nine o’clock; shortly after five), use numerals followed by A.M. and P.M. (12:10 A.M.; 4 P.M.; from 11:00 A.M. to 7:45 P.M.); never write three o’clock A.M. or three A.M. Use the words noon and midnight instead of numerals.
6 and 10.30 a.m. [6 A.M. and 10:30 A.M.]
1 minute [one minute]
10 minutes [ten minutes]
When numbers are used infrequently: if a number can be spelled out in two words or fewer, spell it out. All whole numbers between zero and one hundred will therefore be presented as words.
Ratio 1 to 10. [Ratio one to ten.]
It depends on how my previous days [goes][go].
Use single punctuation marks for quotation inside a quotation
“You have too many plans, you are too ambitious, all of this within 24 hours? Reduce your agenda by one-tenth.”
AARON: Yes, time passes too fast as if saying, 'You have too many plans, you are too ambitious, all of this within 24 hours? Reduce your agenda by one-tenth.' I wonder why Nature hasn’t made it possible to expand time. There should be more than 24 hours in one day.
[24 hours.][twenty-four hours.] Same rule as above. Use the words noon and midnight instead of numerals.
"...so that I will be able[to][Insert] do everything on my schedules?"
May be one of them, [Maybe is one word.]
[Please may I just intercede on his behalf?][Please, may I just intercede on his behalf?] [Insert a comma]
As he stands, I could not possibly get through to him, [do][done] [I all] could. [done all I could.]
Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks
Typographical convention in the United States requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks – regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word. Just pointing this out to you inasmuch as this convention is widely violated.
But I told you not to ask Dr. Spencer for “some sympathy”?
I would gladly [to] leave the room now and then if you would not like me [to] hear your whispers. [I'm not sure if you intentionally used the preposition to in the first part of the sentence and omitted it in the last part of the sentence to show how Dr. Spencer talks. So, I am merely suggesting how the sentence should appear grammatically correct.]
Screenwriting indeed employs dialogue to capture images of how your characters interact with each other. Some observers say they get a lot out of reading a book compared to watching a movie from the book they read.
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.
*Over-all take away
I like the twists and turns with Aaron and Spencer's therapy session if I can call it that. Aaron's hardline approach to Dr. Spencer's suggestions and recommendations was simply solved with financial motivation offered by Linda. The title of this screenplay is justified by its climax. Money talks, right? Good job, Tee.
Keep up with your creativity in screenwriting. You have what it takes to become a screenwriter. It sounds to me you are there already as this exercise speaks for itself. The only caveat I see is to know where you're marketing it. I believe the Brits wouldn't have any problem with your British version of spellings. On the other hand, if you're marketing it in the USA, what you can do is modify them to fit the American-English version. Here's a suggestion: Produce two versions. That way you're ready to present it when the opportunity arises where you are asked to submit a sample in the USA.
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