|Hi, J. Robert:
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This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Monday night, especially when we're on a self-imposed quarantine, right? Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from Auto Rewards port intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.
Initially, I found Angelo to be a good-natured, understanding and tolerant individual who cares for his workers. But a nagging wife, constantly belittling him, perhaps, made him grew weary and tired. An idea popped up in his id after he fell into the dumpster and almost lost his dear life for it. It gave him a devious plot to get rid of his brawling lifemate. Did I get that right, so far? So he schemed a way to get rid of her.
Their exchange is telling. I was between saddened and entertained as I listened to their tete-a-tete.
This is a cliffhanger as well. I think you can write a sequel as to the next scene. As a reader, I need to find out if Mariaangela survived or not. How are these two souls going to reconcile the broken relationship they just went through? I'm sure your creative mind can cook up a sequel more intriguing and perhaps more comical? Peace at last or more upheaval?
As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation,Spelling and all the nitty-gritty of grammar go, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity and readability:
That done, he turned, started for his car...and stopped.[See Use of Ellipsis]
Something seemed...not right.[See Use of Ellipsis]
And, if it didn’t...well, he’d get a laugh out of it, at any rate.[See Use of Ellipsis]
Uses of Ellipsis
I see this exercise is saturated with the use of the ellipsis. Let me share with you what I learned about ellipsis. It might help you minimize its use just as it did me.
Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.
First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.
The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.
If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period.
Angelo felt his neck getting warm, his face.[Kind of awkward. There is a missing link between the warmness of Angelo's neck and his face.]
She was right, his wife.[Comparing this sentence to the previous one I just pointed out, I see your unique writing style and voice. Therefore, I'm going to give you a pass on that.]
“I couldn’t be sure,” [He][he] said, “It was either a twenty...or a fifty.” See Dialogue tags and attribution
“Shhh,” [He][he] said.See Dialogue tags and attribution
“Don’t you shhh me, Angelo Rossi,” [Her][her] voice quieter, but still all treble.See Dialogue tags and attribution
“Be careful, Pinole,” [He][he] managed.See Dialogue tags and attribution
With nothing else to do, [He][he] sat, his back against the cold metal. [See Dialogue tags and attribution]
Dialogue tags are part of the sentence. Use a comma instead of a period and change your tag to lower case to make a complete sentence.
You have put life, action, and drama into your dialogue which is a mixture of entertainment and comedy. I was hooked at the twists and turns and how devious Angelo was. Great presentation of dialogue. It's a page-turner, for sure.
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.
*Over-all take away I found myself with mixed feelings as the story developed. I need to read the sequel.
Well-done, J. Robert. Love the way you compose your story. Write away!
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