Hi Donkey,
Thank you for your confidence in me in allowing me to review your piece. I'm honored and happy to obliged on behalf of WDC Power Reviewer's Group.
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening, improvement and revision. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.
*Content
The following snippets I cut and pasted seem to jar and kick me out as to the context of the storyline. Let me show you why: As a reader, I'm left to wonder what day of the week this was. If it's a Sunday, nobody should be working in and around the church, much less landscaping and fixing broken pews; if it's any day of the week, there should be an explanation why there was a Mass going on while the maintenance crew were instructed to do maintenance work.
The service was just eight minutes old
How in the world did the landscaping team not understand that they were to start work after the Mass was over at ten.
["Okay... that's out of the question sir. The Father has no time for confession at this hour. Can you please return to your duties outside." Interrupted Sister Virginia.]
In your last two sentences:
After having disturbed the body, a mix of blood and soil smeared his fingers. Father Raul Juan Alvarez put his dirty thumb on her forehead, made the sign of the cross and walked away. ]
I'm not clear which one died in this conclusion. Was it the impostor priest or the real Raul Juan Alvarez?] [Also, if this happened inside the church, where did the soil come from? What does "disturbing" the body mean? Was he trying to implicate Sister Virginia for the crime?] These are questions your reader will be scratching their heads on that you, the writer, needs to clarify in your storyline. On second thought, that last question could be answered when you submit a sequel to this, right?]
*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
well lit [well-lit ] [Compoud word]
foot stop [doorstopper?]
As she kicked the foot stop away and let the oak door swing shut on its hinges[,] she noticed one of the bearded maintenance crew coming up the church stairs.[Insert comma]
[Not coming to sit amongst the cleaner parishioners......... ][Let me explain to you what Ellipsis are and how to use them according to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference:]
"Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are a punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line or text.) Eliipsis have two important functions. First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance. Second, is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose. If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need t use ellipses - unless the document you are writing is usually formal, in which case no blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first eliipsis period but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period. If you delete one or more words from the end of the quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period." [This is the only time when there's a fourth dot to an ellipsis.]
The man with the almost white T-shirt] and muddy boots stepped into the vestibule and paused. [Is this man not the same as the man in white T-shirt in the beginning of the story?][bearded man in the T-shirt] [The landscaper] [man with the T-shirt]The bearded man with the uncombed hair] The man with the soiled white T-shirt] [[[You have given six different descriptions of the main character in your story. It tends to confuse the reader when you describe him differently each time. Either give him a name or be consistent in your description of him. I know what you're trying to accomplish when you withhold naming the man. It's not working though. You need to go back to the drawing board and find a way to introduce the man without giving away the element of suspense until the confrontational climax.]
The well dressed parishioner who he sat next to[,] slid ever so slightly away from him as she looked back to where sister Virginia was standing.
[Insert comma]
He spoke about the brotherhood of man and the evils of greed [in his green and white vestments that draped to his black shoes.][Revise this sentence. ]
When he finished his sermon the choir sang lustily and the people gave very generous donations for both collections. [Revise for clarity. My impression was that there was only one sermon delivered; why jump into giving donations for both collections?]
seminary student young assistant [altar boy]
[The center aisle filled] with the exiting congregation behind [the receding] Father Alvarez and he eventually turned and stood in the vestibule shaking extended hands and offering well wishes. [As the center aisle filled with ...][Delete the receding to describe Father Alvarez.]
Sister Virginia smiled with anxiety and stood closer to the Father [,] as the man approached [,] to demonstrate to him that she cared for his welfare [,]in case the landscaper man posed a threat. [Insert commas for clarity.]
*Dialogue
"No it did not Padre [....]I was disappointed[.][,]" [Said][said] the man as he shook the priest's outstretched hand with a strong masculine grip." [Attribution][Ellipsis]
"....Well I am sorry to hear that my son.... We try to cater to all needs at Our Lady of the Rosary....Let us know in the future how we can help [.] [,]" [Said][said] the Father with a quickly fading smile. [With out][without] releasing their friendly handshake the T-shirted man said.
"Ahh [,] I am sorry[.........]" [The][the] Priest began.
"No. I think the Padre sees the urgent value of a sinner to reconcile with his God, right Father?" [Said ][said]the man still holding tightly in the hand shake and locked in stare. [He] tugged to retract his hand but it was held firm. [There is a switch in point of view here. Who is "he?" The priest or the man?]
He said turning away [to] her. [Did the Father [turn away to her] or [from her]?]
"Forgive me Padre for I have sinned [.][,]" [He][he] began after a heavy breath.
"Thank you Padre[.......]now it is your turn[.][,]" [Said][said] the gardener.
"Now it is your turn to confess your sins [,] Padre[.][,]" [He][he] said calmly.
[out burst] [outburst][Compound word]
wreck less [wreckless][Compound word]
Suggestions:
1) Take a second look at your dialoguing and clean up punctuation marks using the examples I cut and pasted;
2) Consider tweaking your storyline by reconciling the seeming unrealistic scene that I pointed out in the beginning. (Landscapers working while Mass was going on.)
*Disclaimer
I don't particularly look at grammar issues except when it kicks me out. Spelling and mechanics are my forte'. I respect the writer's voice and style of writing. I'm more interested in making the story credible, readable and entertaining or gripping.
*Over-all take away
There is value to this story that you need to write about. I like the dramatic turn of events demonstrated in your dialogue. Whether this is fiction or non-fiction, you can make a big production out of this. It's riveting and gripping. Keep up your writing juices flowing. You might read your story aloud, or, have someone else read it aloud for you. You'll be amazed at what changes you can make when you hear it read to you.
Write away. You're good for it, Donkey Hotay.
 
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