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201
201
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Chris:
Power signature for March raid
It's March Raid, so, here I am raiding your port!

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Thank you for expounding on the value of thankfulness for everything and anything we receive and blessed with everyday. So many a time, we take things for granted and go on with our lives freely and nonchalantly, forgetting to acknowledge heavenly gifts and graces we do not deserve to have.

Here's the lyrics of a song that keeps ringing in my ears regarding thankfulness:
"There is so much for which to be thankful;
There are gifts of abundance each day;
So we thank Thee, dear Lord, for Thy mercy;
There is so much, along life's way!"

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

Now[,] leprosy may not seem like that big of a deal to us who live in an age where leprosy is curable, but 2,000 years ago[,] leprosy was serious.[Insert comma]

Sure[,] God could have cured the lepers[,] but God chose not to do so.[Insert comma]

Instead[,] He ordered [the][them] isolated. [Insert comma and replace the with them.]

One day[,] Jesus encountered ten lepers.[Insert comma]

However[,] the foreigner among the ten recognized Jesus for who He truly was.[Insert comma]

What remains[,] though[,] is that of the ten men cured, only one recognized Jesus as the Messiah and Son of God. [Insert comma]

*Dialogue
No necessary in this exercise.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Thank you for being the voice in this forum to remind us to express our gratitude for the gifts we receive everyday. It's spreading precious seeds in our early morning walk as we wake everybody up to another wonderful day ahead!

Keep your inspirational sermonettes coming, Chris.


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202
202
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, WakeUpAndLive:

This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Wednesday morning. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
What a horrific way to lose ones' life. I hope no one will ever go through the ordeal he went through all for the sake of a thousand lousy dollars!

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability pursuant to standard American usage:

“This is a scientific experiment”, he explained.
[Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks: According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference, typographical convention in the U.S. requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word. Understandably, this convention is widely violated. I'm pointing this out for what its' worth.]

I do notice that some of your quotations are punctuated correctly. What you need to do is to be consistent. Pay close attention to the squiggles when working on quotations.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and moves the story.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I see good presentation, description and organization. Keep writing. You have what it takes to deliver your written product.


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203
203
Review of Rugged  
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
H, Laurie:

** Image ID #2160270 Unavailable **
This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Sunday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
This is a clever way of giving life and character to a piece of rug. I like the way you started and built his/her character one thread at a time. I can empathize with the rug's disappointment, grief, and heartache over the loss of someone whom he/she adored.

If there's anything I can add, suggest, or modify in this story-telling, it's only this: giving the rug a name to make (him/her) more human and identify (him/her) so the reviewer can address (him/her) by the name. I'm thinking, would "Designee" or Desiree" fit?

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, I see you're polished in this area. This exercise is flawless. You have a good command of the English written word.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
The unexpected twist in the story is when the unraveled rug turned into a serpent. This is far out. As a writer, I don't know how to get from here to there in this turn of event so that it's reasonable and believable to the reader.

At any rate, the rug turned serpent arrived at his/her destination and succeeded in clinging to body inside and out. Sweet revenge! What horrific image to see.

I must say you have fertile creativity that can take you places in the writing world! Keep writing, Laurie.

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204
204
Review of The Hunter  
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, W.D. Wilcox:

Just taking a peek at Read and Review and this flash fiction greeted me. With that smile, I'll stop and read as my curiosity is getting the best of me.

*Content
Great hook in introducing Cletus with his unusual and distinctly weird appearance. He stands out among the crowd - any crowd.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
You have a good command of the written word. This exercise is flawless. Your punctuation marks, especially in dialogue tags, couldn't be better. I enjoy reading exercises where I don't have to pause or wrinkle my nose because of punctuation violations. Yes, I'm a stickler for those nitty-gritty nuances.

If anything, all I can say is: I see more telling than showing in the first two paragraphs; although, you caught on and redeemed the telling part with dialogue. And it took off from there.

*Dialogue
Great employment of dialogue showing your narrator interacting with Cletus. It brought out action and made these characters alive and relate-able to the reader.

*Over-all take away
I enjoyed hearing the bantering back and forth.I wondered about the narrator's motivation in deciding to go hunting with Cletus. And the last scene is a cliffhanger for me. Who did he shot? The big old buck or Cletus?


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205
205
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi,J.A.Buxton:
** Image ID #2153918 Unavailable **

It's February Raid with WdC Superpower Reviewer's Group. I broke away from the theme of our February Raid because my curiosity got the best of me when I saw this piece. Besides, this was a piece I wanted to include in my review last December but ran out of time. So, here I go.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Great entertaining story for the young at heart, as well as adults, who are young at heart.

As far as*Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, I saw nothing that gave me a pause or made my brows raise. This is well done. I can even say "Flawless" although some sharp-eyed reviewers may disagree with me.

*Dialogue
There was enough dialogue employed showing your characters interact with each other, which made the story move, sizzle and dazzle.

*Disclaimer
Keep in mind this is from one reader's point of view. As such, take note of what other reviewers point out that may help you. Anything for improvement is our goal.

*Over-all take away
It's a delightfully entertaining story for all ages. I'll heed your call to read more of your work as shown at the end of this story.


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206
206
Review of My Mississippi  
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Mrs. Whatsit:

** Image ID #2153918 Unavailable **

It's February Raid with WdC Superpower Reviewer's Group. I broke away from the theme of our February Raid because my curiosity got the best of me when I saw this piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Wow! What a blog loaded with historical data. So informative, educational, as well as, entertaining. I learned a lot from reading this introduction about Mississippi, her folks and their provincialism.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, Punctuation Marks, and Spelling are concerned, I saw nothing that caused my eyebrows to raise. This report is well-done.

Having said that, I do have to point out one word that is often misspelled for one reason or another. Here is one snippet I cut and pasted that need fixing: I don't know if it's a typo but it glares at me.

the capitol city.[capital] [Capitol is the government building in the capital city while the Capital is the city.]


*Dialogue
I like the tone and voice of the writer. It's just as good as employing dialogue.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Go for it with your Blogville News. You got the knack. I would love to read more of these. Thanks for sharing.


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207
207
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, The Writer:
** Image ID #2160270 Unavailable **
January Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Is the love for writing a blessing or a curse, you ask. From my own perspective, the ability to sit down and pen my ideas on paper is my therapy. Writing gives me healing. It's a catharsis that frees my deep-seated feelings and emotions which had been hiding behind a facade. I can be honest with myself, hiding nothing, revealing myself in nakedness without fear of embarrassment or ridicule.

The talent of writing is a gift that keeps on giving. Blessed are you if you find that you are gifted in word-crafting to communicate with yourself and convey to the world a life-changing goal or idea, which couldn't be otherwise accomplished.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:
If you really want to write, you must write from your heart[,][.] I can't remember who said this but I've heard this advice before.[Replace comma with period.]
Whatever you're writing[,] the message should come from the bottom of your heart.[Insert comma for clarity and readability.]
Because the passion is in my heart[;][,] my heart tells me that I must write.[Replace semi-colon with comma.]
That, I must write about my passion for writing.[Delete the introductory, "That." According to a renowned, best seller author, Jerry Jenkins, minimize the use of "that" as much as possible. It's a throw-away word. It's unnecessary.]

Paragraphing
Shorten your paragraphs to three to five sentences, putting one idea per paragraph. Long paragraphs make for difficult reading, which discourages the reader from turning the page.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Whatever your motivation is in pursuing your writing endeavor, go for it. Don't allow negative thoughts to block you from doing what your heart dictates. After all is said and done, you will look back at the footprints of your writing journey. I hope you can say, "I did it my way and I'm the better for it!"

Write away, Writer.



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208
208
Review of TeaLover  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hi, Detective Dream:

** Image ID #2160270 Unavailable **
January Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
There could be a potential story to unfold from this initial attempt at writing. But let me be honest and straightforward with you, DetectiveDream.

In the areas of *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks, Spelling and other nitty-gritty rules, you need to be aware of the basic rules if you are serious about launching a writing endeavor.

First and foremost, your first paragraph is an eye-opener. It is missing periods and commas and other punctuation marks essential to effective writing. As I continued to read the full manuscript, I couldn't help noticing how flagrant mechanics have been violated.

Second, using ellipsis without knowing the reason or purpose for its use renders your work unacceptable for serious consideration. To help you out in this area, let me share with you what I know to improve your manuscript. Here are snippets I cut and pasted from your work to illustrate what I am referring to:

"thanks for your advice ...when the night came"
"please ... when he said please"
"okay chill lady ...I went to the kitchen"
"I going crazy ............"
"I was a liar ,....anyway"
"I was living in your house .....I asked him :how??"
"he said because of the tea .....are you kidding me here time a tea how??"
"year ago ......okay and I had that tea last week so are you saying that ..."
"....w..h..a.t are you saying ?//"
"if that s what you want......okay listen I am gonna give you a chance"
"did time run out of time......I begin to feel sore"
"I loved it ...so the agency"
"what are you ...how??"

Uses of Ellipsis
Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.

First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.

The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose. If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period. If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.

If you are deleting one or more words from the end of a quotation that has the status of a grammatically complete sentence and that ends with a question mark or an exclamation point, position the terminal punctuation mark after the ellipses.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
These are the recommendations I can offer you this time. As I pointed at the outset, punctuating your manuscript properly for readability and clarity is paramount. This can be fixed and resolved as you keep on writing, as well as, reading works of authors who have proven themselves in their writing craftsmanship.

Here's your marching order: Don't get discouraged. As they say, now that your feet are wet, stay in the water and swim. You'll be proud of yourself when you reach the other side of the pool.


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209
209
Review of Phantom Falls  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, J. Pickett:

** Image ID #2160270 Unavailable **
January Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
The adventures these four friends shared could be brought to life by employing dialogue. Dialogue overshadows straight narrative at all angles. It's the difference between "Show and Tell" that polished authors and writers recommend beginning writers learn fast and employ in their writings.

Moreover, in order to capture the reader's interest, start with a hook when your story opens. According to Ben Bova in his article, "Twelve Things I Wish I Had Known When I Started Writing, he says, the 6th would be, "Start in the middle" because in a short story, there simply isn't any time for static explanations. All the background details have got to be worked in while your characters are in action. Show what they are doing, don't tell what they did."

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks, Spelling and other nitty-gritty rules are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need minor fixes for clarity and readability:

The following are misspellings/typos/or nuance between the American Standard English and British English worth noticing -
licence [license]
favourite [favorite]
forrest [forest]

Also, I believe the first letter in proper name with two words should both be in upper case as illustrated below:
Erskine falls [Erskine Falls]
Phantom falls [Phantom Falls]

The trips became an escape away from their daily lives and [bought][brought] them to see the world around them in a different way.[Replace]

Whatever they were going through at home, work or [uni][university?] was all forgotten about when they ventured out into the [forrest][forest]. [Spell out the whole word when the abbreviation is not widely recognized: uni could be anything such as unit, universal, unity, university, etc.]

Jessie got the car started and whilst traveling along the windy, bendy roads[,] the four looked out the window to see the coast filled with beaches. [Insert comma for clarity and readability.]

Before they knew it[,] all of them were singing at the top of their lungs and could feel the wind in their hair and the taste of the ocean in their mouths.[Insert comma for clarity and readability.]

*Dialogue
Like I suggested above, try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. The reader becomes a part of the story, compelling him/her to turn from page to page until the final word is written.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This is a good starting point as you launch your writing endeavor. Keep writing (and reading). The more you write, the better you will be as a writer.


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210
210
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, abc:

** Image ID #2160270 Unavailable **
January Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
The Importance of Education in Animal Farm [The first letter of the title of your essay should be in upper case except for the connecting words.]

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks, and Spelling are concerned,
here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need fixing and tweaking for clarity and readability:

foreign student needs helh [help] [First letter of title should be in Upper Case: Foreign Student Needs Help.]

"In his book,[Give title of book] G. Orwell depicts an allegory about misleading educational system by illustrating life of farm animals." [Provide the title of the book G. Orwell wrote you're referring to.]

and here is what i came up with. If anyone has any corrections or ideas i would be more than happy to hear them. [The pronoun "I" should be in upper case always. No exception to this standard rule.]

The ungenuine information inforced by educatet dictatorial pigs leads to complete chaos.[It helps to use Spellcheck to verify your spelling before submitting your work. It's a good practice.]

The rise of the animal government can[,] at first glance[,] be prejudgementally seen as a positive change.[Insert commas where a parenthetical phrase is getting in the way of the context of your sentence.]

Furthermore, he burns books, [wich][which] prevents animals [to ][from] becoming literate. [Replace to with from]

completly [completely]

inforced enforced

*Dialogue
No applicable in this type of genre. although, it can be incorporated when the need calls for it.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This essay needs more substance to it. Give specifics and details of your point of view based on your thorough research. Take pride in your work. Proofread and check spelling one last time before posting or submitting.

Spend time reading whatever reading material you can get a hold of. Pay close attention to the mechanics, style and voice of the narrator, author, essayist, writer - whoever.

Also, read aloud what you have written. Finally, keep writing. It's hard work but dividends pay off at the end of the day.


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211
211
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
H, Crystal:

** Image ID #2160270 Unavailable **
January Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
"transform into the beautiful butterflies we are meant to be."

Do I take it you believe in reincarnation? The belief that the soul, upon death of the body, comes back to earth in another body or form; rebirth of the soul into a new body. (According to Dictionary.com) Seems to be that's the premise you're trying to convey in this essay.

Personally, I don't look forward nor relish the thought that I will end up a butterfly, no matter how beautiful I will become. You see, according to Apostle Paul in Romans 8:29-30 and Ephesians 1:5 and verse 11, our lives have been predestined since the beginning of time to be conformed to the image of God's son, Jesus Christ; and having predestined, he created us to glorify him and praise his name. That's his plan and purpose for our lives.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

"Some of us are still transforming, and know everything,"
This statement has given me a pause for the main reason that - "nobody ever knows everything..." Some people may claim to know everything but the truth of the matter is nobody can know everything. We may know everything about something but nobody can know everything about everything.I used to be a know-it-all about every aspect of my job and I was unteachable but I knew next to nothing about somebody else's job. Our knowledge is limited to what is common and familiar in our surrounding but outside of our scope, we cannot claim to know everything.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Be that as it may, keep writing, Crystal Violet. You have plunged into the art of critical thinking and writing. Keep the ball rolling.


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212
212
Review of MONSTERS  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, The Writer:

** Image ID #2160270 Unavailable **
January Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Although I may not totally agree with your opinion in this article, you presented it well. My role here is to review the writing mechanics and presentation. It's not to agree or disagree with your point of view.

Therefore, as far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for readability and clarity:

"Unlike Hitler, [president][President] Duterte is not a powerful speaker...." [Use upper case for first letter of titles of dignitaries.]

"who will rid me of this meddlesome priest"?
Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks: According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference, typographical convention in the U.S. requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word. Understandably, this convention is widely violated. I'm pointing this out for what its' worth.

In addition, you can use either italics or quotation marks but not both. It's redundant.

I remember the [interviewed][interview] conducted by Mike Wallace on Ayatollah Khomeini of Iran during the ["Iran Hostage Crisis".][No need to italize or enclose in quotation marks.]

Two years passed after that [interviewed][interview], President Sadat was murdered by a group of Egyptian renegade soldiers in a parade ceremony.

Like Khomeini[,]this monk is soft spoken and very gentle in his movement[,] yet his message against the Muslim minority is filled with hatred.[Insert comma for clarity, conciseness. and readability.]

When he was still a soldier[,]Hitler's passion was to fight to the end for his adopted country (Germany);[Insert comma]


I'm inclined to draw your attention to the uses of ellipsis according to The Writer's Digest because of the following snippet I cut and pasted from this article, which in part says this:
"or by any other controlling private power.... Among us today a concentration of private power without equal in history is growing."

Uses of Ellipsis
Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.

First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.

The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose. If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period. If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.
If you are deleting one or more words from the end of a quotation that has the status of a grammatically complete sentence and that ends with a question mark or an exclamation point, position the terminal punctuation mark after the ellipses.

*Dialogue
This feature is not applicable here as this is an article, unless, it includes direct quote from personalities and characters being mentioned.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I commend you for presenting an opinion-editorial piece well researched and well-written. Keep up the excellent job you're doing.


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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Zachary:

** Image ID #2160270 Unavailable **
January Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
I see you have incorporated dialoguing in your story. Take time to study how writers format dialogues. Direct quotations should be in quotation marks; start a new paragraph for each speaker. Let me show you some examples from your own work.

"Well, Jackson, there are many different things that could go wrong," said Ashley.
(Oh yeah did [i][I] forget to mention Ashley has the ability to read minds[.][?] No, hehe.....well she does and its awesome.) Jackson smirked and said gently, "Now Ashley what have [i][I] told you about reading my mind." Ashley giggled slightly, "Sorry not sorry."

The pronoun "I" should always be in upper case. No exceptions to this standard rule.

Use of Ellipsis is another issue I noticed from the above snippet. So, allow me to point out what Writer's Digest say about it. [No, hehe.....well she does and its awesome.]

Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.

First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.

The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose. If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period. If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.

If you are deleting one or more words from the end of a quotation that has the status of a grammatically complete sentence and that ends with a question mark or an exclamation point, position the terminal punctuation mark after the ellipses.

*Content
This story has potential due to its bizarre nature. The important consideration you need to be aware of is to clean up run on sentences and dialogue formatting. Readers read for entertainment and enjoyment. Manuscripts riddled with run on sentences discourages the reader and prompts them to put it down and move on to something else to read.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax,*Punctuation Marks and the whole ball of wax is concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need fixing for clarity and readability:

new year's day [Possessive not plural]

As Jackson gained full consciousness[,] he began to panic.[Insert comma. Without it, it's a run on sentence.]

Nobody came and he was scared but how did this mischievous fox get stuck in a box[.][?] [Replace period with a question mark.]

"It was the dawn of a new day but not just any new day the last day of the year." [This is a run on sentence. Revise. Perhaps, something like this: It was the dawn of a new day but not just any new day. It's the last day of the year.]

Jackson was excited for the huge party [him][he] and Ashley are throwing tonight. [Replace]

"but [ashley][Ashley] had the connections..." [Proper names always use upper case for the first letter.]

*Dialogue
You have embedded dialogue into your whole narrative, which makes it difficult for the reader to follow. I highly suggests you revisit this manuscript and revise the areas with dialogue.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This story has a potential to shine, pop, and sparkle given the improvements I recommended. Go back to the drawing board and revise. It takes extra work but it's all worth it once you see the difference. Take a close look at run on sentences. They need fixing for clarity and readability.

Write on, Zachary. The more you write, the better you'll become as a writer. And read to your heart's content, paying close attention to the formatting and mechanics of the material you're reading.

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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Bruce:
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Just flying by, looking for something to do while waiting for my laundry to finish.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
I would love to read the first twenty-seven chapters to really appreciate the development and progress you built into your story. Even with just this episode, I can tell you have filled those chapters with action and intrigue to make it dazzle and sizzle.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks, and Spelling are concerned, you have a good command of the written word. Here is a snippet I cut and pasted that need a minor fix:

While we sat waiting[,] Badger commented on the amount of nurses that were going into his room and then coming out giggling.[Insert comma for clarity and readability.]

Also, I can readily see your British background from the following nuances in spelling I see:
Mum [Mom]
favour [favor]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and make the story move.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Although I do not know the details of the story, as I am reading Chapter 28, I can see conflict, tension, romance, and intrigue in this chapter.

Good work, Bruce. Keep it up. I want to read the whole story.

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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Kiim:
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Just passing through the Hub and I saw your request for a review on this assignment. I couldn't resist responding to your request by clicking it.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
O.K. First things first, right?

For clarity and readability, observe proper formatting. Readers read for enjoyment and entertainment. With that being said, reading one blurb is onerous and taxing to your reader. Paragraphing and spacing are essential elements in writing (whether formal or informal) to be understood and to be taken seriously. This is especially true if your goal is to be published one day.

Bear in mind that each new idea should be in one paragraph. Transitioning from one idea to the next should be in a separate paragraph, as well.

Also, observe standard practices such as using 12-point Font with Arial or New Times Roman. When you do above recommendations, your battle is half-won!

*Dialogue
You might try to employ dialogue by quoting what the three characters said as they interacted with each other to make your review pop, sizzle and dazzle.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away.
These are the recommendations I can offer you this time. As I pointed at the outset, formatting your manuscript for readability and clarity is paramount. This can be fixed and resolved as you keep on writing, as well as, reading works of authors who have proven themselves in their writing craftsmanship.

Finally, revise with painstaking effort and good luck. You'll be pleased with yourself when you do.

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Review of From above  
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, EllaRose:
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Just flying by, looking for something to read and review while waiting for my date to arrive.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
We'll never know when we bump into the unexpected, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Did she ever thought that she could betray her husband's trust in her? And did she ever think that her husband would react the way he did? Yet a spirit came to deliver her from harm at the opportune time. Fantasy or dream? Whichever it is, good suspense you built into your story, EllaRose.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

She glanced at the clock.[ 5.15][5:15] it read.

She sinks into her chair more letting her mind wander to him... her love. She took in the warmth of the fireplace wishing he was here with her. Paris could not get the image out of her head. His lips on hers... feeling his warmth.

Uses of Ellipsis
Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.

First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.

The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose. If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period. If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.

welcome to the church, we hope you will be coming back too' She smiled politely at him with a shyness in her eyes. [Awkward sentence. Punctuation needs fixing.]

And at that moment they had felt it. The chemistry between them. [The second sentence is a fragment. Revise for clarity and readability. How about doing it this way: And at that moment they had felt the chemistry between them.

'Miss Dome' He said before taking a deep breath.[Revise: "Miss Dome," he said before taking a deep breath.}

*Dialogue
His voice was deep with a jersey twang. "My name is Detective Alex Selene, I`ve been sent to take you into a safe house." He pulled out his badge. "Your friend Michael is currently being held captive by your husband. The police are doing everything they can, but we do not have his location and you are not safe here."

He walked over to Paris and motioned for her to take a seat. "Miss Malone, the detective you named and described to my colleague.... he died quite some time ago. And this was his apartment..."

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Good suspense story. You can make this story sizzle and dazzle if you pay special attention to punctuation marks in your dialogue.

Keep writing, EllaRose. You have the knack.


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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, LostClown:
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Just flying by, looking for something to keep me occupied while waiting for my date to pick me up.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Your point is well taken. Good exposition. I like the way you presented your take on what we're exposed to on Film and TV.

As far as *Mechanics,Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

a midst [amidst is one word]

or "emotions", [or "emotions,"]
[Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks: According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference, typographical convention in the U.S. requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word. Understandably, this convention is widely violated. I'm pointing this out for what its' worth.

because...why not?
It's like...it makes me feel human.

Uses of Ellipsis
Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.

First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.

The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.

If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period. If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.

The stand-up Marc Maron said[;][,] "That's the big challenge of Life; to chisel disappointment into wisdom so people respect you and you don't annoy your friends with your whining." [Replace semi-colon with comma.]

*Dialogue
No applicable in this exercise.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
As I demonstrated above, the only area you might want to focus on is in cleaning up and refining your punctuation marks; otherwise, your delivery is good.

Write away, LostClown. You're good for it.
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Review of The Passport  
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi, brom21:

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Just passing through trying to find something to occupy a couple of hours before bedtime. The title intrigued my fancy and I decided to give it a read.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Gosh, you have really taken the reader for an adventure chase and bumpy ride to end up in fantasy land. Sort of bizarre but entertaining.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

Alex was stumbling over his thoughts,[ to][too] excited to start from a beginning.[Replace]

“Hopefully none of [the][them] have seen me,” said Alex.[Replace]

Both got into the car and [Vive][Vince?] drove off, looking very shocked and disturbed. “Spill it Alex.” [Typo?]

“Speed up! If we [each][reach?] the intersection first we can turn right!” [Replace. Must be a typo]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It puts action to the story and makes it move.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Indeed. How fantastic you have created this make-believe story.

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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Marcelino:

I was just surfing the Read and Review pane to see what interesting submissions I could pore over and offer an input on. What caught my eye is your description of a church which describes itself as "Prosperous."

How intriguing to notice such unusual image of a Christian church. I couldn't help but wonder if they call their church by that name because every member of that church is spiritually or materially rich? That remains to be seen, right?

I see your point in questioning the motivation of the organizers of this particular sect or denomination. Indeed, it is bewildering to mainstream Christian believers, although, who are we to question or judge their doctrinal stand.

As fundamental, evangelical Christian believers, we rest on the gospel of the saving grace of Jesus Christ as proclaimed in the Word of God, the Bible. Anything outside of this premise do not measure up as authentic or canonized, right?

I am glad you are calling this church's in-adherence to the Scriptural teachings. And yes, I hope the rest of the world can see the obvious fallacy of their foundational doctrines and beliefs.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement.

Formatting
For clarity and readability, observe proper formatting. Readers read for enjoyment and entertainment. With that being said, reading one blurb is onerous and taxing to your reader. Paragraphing and spacing are essential elements in writing (whether formal or informal) to be understood and to be taken seriously. This is especially true if your goal is to be published one day.

Bear in mind that each new idea should be in one paragraph. Transitioning from one idea to the next should be in a separate paragraph, as well.

*Content
Great content. I totally agree with you.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation marks are concerned, I find your narrative written well. I hardly noticed any punctuational or mechanical skirmishes to bring to your attention.

*Dialogue
This is inapplicable in this article.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I am a born again Christian, saved by grace and the precious blood of Jesus. I'm with you all the way.

Finally, Merry Christmas!


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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,Sum1:

Merry Christmas!

Surfing through Read and Review this poem caught my eye. And for a reason. It's poignant and hits home for me.

I am not going through the routine of reviewing to offer my critique with this poem. I just want you to know that I am so touched by how accurate your description is when a loved one is going through the sunset of one's life.

My husband is ninety years old. I am eighteen years younger than he is. In the last five years I have witnessed his memory lapses on a day to day basis. Recently though, like in the last five months, there was a sudden turn of event that drastically changed our world. He couldn't respond sensibly to a topic of conversation any longer. His answers come out of left field. He keeps on falling but he is too vain to use a cane, a walker or a wheelchair. Does that sound familiar?

He hallucinates and talks about going home. I tell him we are home. He insists on leaving, saying, "How long are we staying here? We've been here too long."

"We are home, honey. We're not going anywhere." I tell him as gently and as matter-of-factly as I can. He quiets down and is temporarily satisfied with that answer. We go through this everyday with a far away look in his eyes.

*Over-all take away
This poem describes my husband's present condition in to-to.

Thank you for sharing.


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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,askpaddy:
** Image ID #2176723 Unavailable **
It's SuperPower Reviewers Winter Raid that brings me to your port today. And this is the second story I encountered that qualifies for this Winter Raid.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
You're a good storyteller for children, askpaddy. Delightful and entertaining stories that captivates children's imagination seems to be your craft.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity, conciseness and readability in sync with conventional American writing and usage:

They lived with their Mum and Dad in a tiny village in a beautiful valley between two big high mountains.

[My understanding from all the writing workshops and classes I attended is that the first letter in mom and dad should not be in upper case when it's introduced by a pronoun. The only time Mom or Dad is in upper case is when one is addressing one's mom and dad, such as: "Hey, Mom (or Dad), are you coming tonight?" or, "Mother, may I?" This applies to mum as well in this story.]

Hey, look at this. You did it right in this sentence: Of course, they couldn’t tell their mum and dad.

Maybe the fairy had been naughty and didn’t get this [year's] one hundred wishes? [Insert apostrophe for a possessive noun.]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.It captivates the reader making him/her a participant in the action.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away

This story is a great way to teach children giving, sharing, empathy, kindness, and self-control. Also, Ending One or Ending Two will work either way.

Write away, askpaddy. You have the knack. Use it to your advantage.


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Review of Ronnie Winters  
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi,Sabrina49:

** Image ID #2176723 Unavailable **
It's SuperPower Reviewers Winter Raid, so, here I am reading your story with a magnifying lens to find what I can bring to your attention.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
What a terrifying ordeal you went through in this vignette. I felt as though I went through it as I followed the story from beginning to end. Good rendition of your narrative. Is this a real life experience or is this based on a real experience? In the end it sounds like you were lucky to escape death as you are able to write this horrible experience.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, and *Punctuation marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability based on conventional American writing technique and usage:

I don’t suppose that her leaving should have made much difference to us – she was so neglectful anyway – but it did. At that age, you’re just starting to think for yourself, and then if your last blood relative runs off without a single word of explanation or goodbye, I guess it must have some effect.

[There is a switch in Point of View (POV) Stick to one POV per paragraph for clarity and conciseness. Recommended revision:

I don’t suppose that her leaving should have made much difference to us – she was so neglectful anyway – but it did. At that age, I was just starting to think for myself; if my last blood relative runs off without a single word of explanation or goodbye, I guess it must have some effect on me.

[We stopped going to school, caused havoc in the streets, terrorised neighbours...]

Uses of Ellipsis
Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.

First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.
The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose. If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period. If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.
If you are deleting one or more words from the end of a quotation that has the status of a grammatically complete sentence and that ends with a question mark or an exclamation point, position the terminal punctuation mark after the ellipses.

*Spelling Nuance in spelling between American and British:

terrorised terrorized
neighbours neighbors
idolised idolized
realise realize
taught tout

Which turned out to be a very unfortunate thing.[This is a fragment. Connect this to the previous sentence.]
I was impressionable and he was the only one around for me to aspire to be like. So I stuck with him, did whatever he did, or whatever he told me to do, which turned out to be a very unfortunate thing.

There’s and explosion inside my brain. [Replace and with an. This looks like a victim of auto-correct spelling.]

He sent me to [an] address, a safe house in the country. [Insert]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It moves the story and make the characters alive as they converse.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
You captured the graphic images of terror, blood lusts, and savagery common to crime and gangsterism in this narrative. What a horrific episode you, the narrator, brilliantly encapsulated into words. With a second lease on life, you can write more stories only you have a first hand knowledge of to tell with accuracy. Keep writing. You have the knack.

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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,TheNoMonster:

** Image ID #2176723 Unavailable **
It's SuperPower Reviewer's Winter Raid, so, here I am gobbling over your Christmas story.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
It's quite an entertaining story for children in their wonder years.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation marks are concerned, your output is flawless. But because my role as a reviewer is to be picky, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability in observance of conventional writing rules:

And there was no doubt, it being well after even his Mom and Dad went to sleep, that it was dark outside.

"One boy, that’s me, and two girls, my big and little sisters, and my Mom and Dad."

[My understanding from all the writing workshops and classes I attended is that the first letter in mom and dad should not be in upper case when it's introduced by a pronoun. The only time Mom or Dad is in upper case is when one is addressing one's mom and dad, such as: "Hey, Mom (or Dad), are you coming tonight?" or, "Mother, may I?"

His mother, father, and two sisters were looking at the Christmas tree as if something were wrong. [Replace were with was. Agreement in number]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and makes the story come to life as it moves.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away You're quite a storyteller, TheNoMonster. I like how you organized the timeline. The only questions left for me as a reader are these: Did Hank ever find out who the pirate was? Was he convinced it was Santa because of the presents? Will it remain a mystery all throughout his wonder years?

Good work. Keep it up. Children's stories are in great demand.

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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,askpaddy:

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It's Christmas Winter Raid and I found the title of your story worth the time to read and review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Delightfully entertaining story.Should I say Father Matthew got what he asked for? Ha-ha-ha! Nicely told.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, and *Punctuation marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted to point out some rules and nuances in conventional writing:

“Parish Priest Poleaxed by Christmas Crib Shepherd”.
“To Fleece the Public at Church Fetes”.
“Gifts for Your Minister”.
“skidpan driving experience”,

“Heaven to Hell in 50 seconds.”

[Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks: According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference, typographical convention in the U.S. requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word. Understandably, this convention is widely violated.

I do notice that some of your quotations are punctuated according to convention. What you need to do is to be consistent. Pay close attention to the squiggles when working on quotations.

At four o’clock in the afternoon[,] a Parishioner, normally a good catholic, was wending his way home past the church having been celebrating in the Pub since lunchtime.[Insert comma]

*Dialogue
Also, try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. Puts the reader in the center of the action.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away From this reading, I encountered new words I can add to my vocabulary. I had to reach for my dictionary to find the meaning of poleaxe and wending. This is the beauty we gain from reviewing.
Thanks for sharing and Merry Christmas!


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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, Goku:

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October Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement.

Formatting
For clarity and readability, observe proper formatting. Readers read for enjoyment and entertainment. With that being said, reading one blurb is onerous and taxing to your reader. Paragraphing and spacing are essential elements in writing (whether formal or informal) to be understood and to be taken seriously. This is especially true if your goal is to be published one day.

Bear in mind that each new idea should be in one paragraph. Transitioning from one idea to the next should be in a separate paragraph, as well.

*Content
Now, let me look at the content of this First Chapter of a potential novel applying paragraphing for readability. This is my tentative version which can be proofread and edited later:

"Perfection is not something you can attain and yet I say, the world doesn't require perfection. Why? Class, I want your opinions."

"This is my philosophy professor."

Professor McKinney teaches us philosophy and asks us deep questions.

Hello! I am Sam and I am eleven years old. This is the story of my life in the Island of the great Palamino. I can explain about this later but here is one thing that distinguishes our land from the rest of the world - Magic.

"Well? Seems like no one wants to cooperate. Then I will call you out," he said with a frown. "How about you Sam? Answer me. Why is perfection not required in the world?"

Oh great. The reason [why I hate to answer questions in his classes] is because he gives you this 'special punishment' if you don't answer his questions correct. Don't ask me what it is. I have never experienced it before nor have my friends. Most seniors say its too terrifying to talk about.

I stood up slowly from my seat, my mind racing for something to say. I hoped the bell would ring soon. I took a deep breath and said, (without any hope) "The world is never a perfect place because perfection is an ego that could drive people evil. In their pursuit to the absolute perfection[,] people tend to forget the sins they have committed and that's why perfection is not required."

The whole class held its breath and looked at the professor. He raised an eyebrow and said,
"I appreciate that you have a good mind but you look at things in one way. Perfection can also be good. You spoke negatively and hence you have detention."

What? That's not fair. I answered his question and now I am gonna be the first among my friends to receive punishment just because I got the answer right!

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It moves the story and humanizes the characters to allow the reader to be "in on the action."

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Is my suggested first draft more readable than the one you posted? From here, one can proceed to proofread, edit and revise. I hope this is helpful.

Keep writing, Goku. You'll stumble a few times and maybe fall. But, you'll get up and pick up from where you left off. It will be a satisfying journey for anyone who aspires to be a successful writer.

With that said, keep writing. You have the spirit, the will and determination. You'll arrive in no time at all.


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