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1,213 Public Reviews Given
1,216 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual, friendly. I'll point out typos when I see them and make suggestions about quality, characters and logic, besides telling you how I feel about the piece.
I'm good at...
Does it make sense? Are the characters well portrayed? What's the overall feel of the piece?
Favorite Genres
Poetry, children's, anything rated E
Least Favorite Genres
Anything higher than 18+
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Poems, flash fiction, essays, articles, biographical/personal, etc
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AI Generated Content of Any Kind.
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Public Reviews
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In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings and welcome to writing.com!

I found this using the Random Read and Review button.

I presume you are Japanese and writing primarily in your native language with the help of translation services. It’s a bit confusing to read, as the culture of Japan is so different, with the terms and concepts, but I slowed down and generally found it understandable. You seem to be telling the story of someone’s life, a person with a bustling, active family of little siblings and elders in modern Japan.

One of the issues with this item is presentation. You have all the text piled into big blocks, separated only by a space at each vignette. English language writing requires paragraph breaks at each line of dialogue and each shift of action. This creates a more open and engaging reading experience. Also, you used the default font and formatting. The row of boxes on top of the text entry area is your key to adjusting the size and style of font. I always recommend Size 4 Verdana for the best results. And if there will be multiple vignettes in each item, you should separate them with centered asterisks, three will do…
***


Also, your writing style is perhaps a bit unfocused. I don’t know if it’s because I’m only reading random chapters, but there’s a lack of any overarching narrative, theme, or plot. These elements are what keep people engaged in stories. Give your characters goals, stakes and obstacles, use tension, set up situations, even simple ones, that test their resolve and develop their traits, etc. As it stands, it’s a random gathering of moments and thoughts and situations that doesn’t seem to go anywhere. It’s a fun glimpse into modern Japanese lifestyle and activities, but it doesn’t draw readers in with emotional impact and the promise of a deep and exciting story of character development, conflict and personal relationships.

Take care, thanks for sharing and keep writing *Smile* *HeartT*



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for entry "Fly - Week 40Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Greetings, Ned!

I’m here as a fellow member of the PPC5 challenge.

Now that I see your six lines and I’ve reread the rules, I see two stanzas are not required after all… it wouldn’t matter to me, but I already “advised” someone else to add another stanza to qualify for the form requirement and the ppc5 rules as well… *Pthb* Whatever!

Anyway, this is such a pretty, lightweight, floating sort of poem. When I first saw the wrapped word rule, I thought it looked so infantile. After seeing what everyone’s done with them and using it myself, I’ve come to appreciate the nuances of using a word that can mean a few different things, and the flow is pleasing. You’ve crafted a charming wake up call… ooh, I’m remembering the old song “Beautiful Dreamer” now *InLove2* Say, maybe someday I’ll blog about that song. I have like ten different versions of it stashed on my old phone I use as an iPod.

Yep, your poem is a lovely little creation! *FlowerY* *Moon* *Flowerw* *Sun* *Clouds* *HeartP*

Oh, maybe toss the form details into a dropnote for tidiness *Smile*

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*



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3
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Review of A day to remember  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, Sue!

I'm here for I Write 2025.

This is a nice, relaxing take, where not much actually happens and more is given to emotions, scenic descriptions and sensory details than to plot or character development. That's not necessarily a bad thing, as nowadays there seems to be a trend going around of writing "relaxing" stories designed more to give us "the feels" over a cup of tea than to do anything particularly literary.

I enjoyed the casual glimpse into Aussie life, from the google-able word "spruiking" to the wattle bird *Laugh*

What seemed a bit awkward was the flashing back from the opening scene in the evening, jumping away to earlier in the day with some conversations taking place there, and then jumping back into the quiet sunset stroll. It didn't fit well into a story of such brevity and simplicity.

Perhaps you can start with the rush of the crowds and the chat with friends, and then add a scene divider to send us off on a peaceful note as they stroll the now-empty park. A strictly linear timeframe would be easier to pick up on.

Otherwise, it's all good, a pleasant vignette of city life.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*



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4
4
Review of Wheel of Fortune  Open in new Window.
for entry "May 14, 2025Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Greetings *Smile*

I'm here as a fellow member of the PPC5 challenge.

The first thing I should say before I forget, you need two six-line verses to qualify both for the poetic form itself and for Promptly Poetry. This is great, just add another set in the same mood *Wink*

You've utilized the form perfectly, creating a flowing, naturally cyclical feel without being stiff or peculiar about the repeating words. I always enjoy peeking into your naturalist perspective of life; it's so different from the usual I'm familiar with.

Perhaps you should indent the fifth line... No, I don't think that would make sense. Capitalize the first letter? Because for a moment I thought it wrapped around the mobile screen and didn't create a full six lines. It would probably be apparent on the desktop, however, and is a minor thing.

An interesting read; I enjoyed it. Don't forget to add another verse *Smile*

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*



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5
5
Review of Birchbark  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, Fyn!

I'm here as a fellow member of the PPC5 challenge.

Oh my goodness, indeed! This is such a confusing structure despite seeming rather simple. The way your lines wrap around the page is impossible for me to wrap my head around... I refuse to comment on whether you've nailed the structural requirements or not *Laugh*

I love the unique natural theme you chose here, contemplating the birch bark and going deeper to observe an analogy with our lives as we shed our skins and develop into our deeper personalities. It's thoughtfully done, and the picturesque details outweigh the rules of form and structure.

I might suggest hiding the details in a dropnote, to keep a tidier appearance.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*



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In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, Sue!

I'm here for I Write 2025.

Well, this is a fun read. I love the rhythm and rhyme, the simple ABAB scheme, and how the story flows along in an old-fashioned way, like Nathaniel Hawthorne or Longfellow.

At first I was going to object to the "happy" ending and suggest there should be a moralizing twist, but that was partly based on the mistaken assumption that the old witch stole someone else's youthful body. But when I looked again I saw she was able to retrieve her own younger self and become renewed, which is what pretty much everyone on the planet would like to do *Laugh*

So, as a poem, it's great, capturing some of that witchy vibe without her causing harm to anyone. I enjoyed reading it, and am glad I took a moment to slow down and read it again.

Now I'm left wondering what happens next... Will she have to keep running that spell every few decades? Or is it eternal as the title implies? There's usually some catch to magic, which is what fantasy yarns are woven of.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*



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In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, and thank you for requesting a review. Welcome to writing.com *Hug1**Smile**Hug2*

First off, I would like to congratulate you on arriving here and posting a little about yourself in your bio, along with a selection of your work. It’s always great to see fresh faces here, and you have a creative spirit that shines bright.

I can think of a few titles you might consider, but I’ll leave that up to your imagination and discretion. The title you have now makes a pretty good hook.

Formatting around here can be adjusted using the row of tiles above the text entry box. I always recommend Size 4 Verdana font for the easiest and most engaging reading experience across devices. Any help you need can be found by clicking on the ? Between the script M and the smiley face. Also, "Writing.Com 101Open in new Window. is quite useful.

You don’t really have to number your verses. You’re not writing the Bible *BigSmile* “The End” is also not usually required for publication these days. And the notes at top can be brought to the bottom and placed inside a dropnote

Now for your content. I love this! There is nothing “beginner” about it. You offer words of encouragement… ooh, let me say this before I forget. At the eighth line, you have a hyphen connecting two words where a comma or an emdash would do. The emdash can be inserted on WdC by typing {emdash}, like — *Smile*

Your slant rhyme is appealing and refreshing; rather than using trite, predictable rhymes that fill themselves in, you used more natural word choices which still give a rhythmic flow to the piece. It has comfortable, Hallmark simplicity and feels like something that would make a lovely gift if written up in fancy font or handwriting. You could even frame it, or just tack it up on the fridge.

Maintaining a grip on the present moment, without worrying about the future or sighing over the past, is a valuable gift we should all try to cultivate, and you have written a very pleasant reminder to do so.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*



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In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Greetings, Ned!

I'm here as a fellow member of the PPC5 challenge.

What a quietly elegant poem, evoking all of one's cozy preconceived notions in a few simple words: "let's move to France, darling."

You nailed the Dansa format, using a flowing, conversational rhythm which reads well and looks good on the page. I remember my first draft attempt, (which I might post someday) before I had a subject firmly in mind, used short, staccato lines and words which felt "glued together..."

I would suggest placing all the poetic form details into a dropnote at the bottom to keep it tidy. Overall, this is a lovely, picturesque poem and a creative take on the prompt form.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*



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9
9
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings, Wren, and thank you for requesting a review.

Well, this has changed a bit since I first noticed it in your port.

You perhaps give it a little too much context, as now I'm reminded of everything I dislike about politics. I came surprisingly close to visiting a Tesla shop and sitting in on a protest myself a few weeks ago; I received the invite from an activist group I'm subscribed to. They promised it would be "nonviolent," but I had my suspicions. Why should we harass innocent people doing their jobs at the dealership, and frighten those trying to make an environmentally sound purchase? Does it really make a dent in Elon Musk's pockets? Sigh... Next thing I knew, my friends were gleefully talking about the snowflakes being abused in jail for burning Teslas, and I just facepalmed like "ok, whatever. Please don't tell me about it." I'm glad I never attended a protest.

Your poem is perhaps more specifically about random acts of vandalism than the much-publicized burning... Either way, I'll try to get past my muddled feelings about the issue and focus on the piece.

The staccato rhythm is memorable, in that you delve into darkness in a politely metaphorical way. Lacking the context of those pesky Teslas, it could be about almost any bad decision and the consequences thereof. This elusiveness of theme is better, in my humble opinion, than throwing the specifics immediately in our faces to dominate our thoughts on what you've made.

In that regard, perhaps removing the socio-political context from the subtitle and top of poem and adding them instead to the bottom in a dropnote

Your formatting is creative, and the structure is well crafted. I guess I don't have all that much to say about it *Pthb* I'm a sensitive soul. This is an impressive piece, though, don't get me wrong *Smile*

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*



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10
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Review of Storms Path  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, Apondia!

I'm here for I Write 2025.

This is a great poem, capturing a unique aspect of storms and their aftermath. You bring us through the storm cycle and remind us that all things work out for the best to continue the path of life. The sun rises again, broken branches provide warmth in the winter, and new seedlings replace what was lost.

I especially like the opening lines, bringing us the ominous strum of the deepest guitar string as a comparison to thunder warning of the storm. This was a creative opening metaphor to hook us into the poem.

I noticed you misspelled "scarred" as "scared." Aside from that, I don't see anything to improve upon here. This was an enjoyable read.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*



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11
11
for entry "PathologicalOpen in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Greetings, Jeff *Smile*

I'm here for I Write 2025.

I like the psychological dabbling of this poem, peering into the mind of one who is loose with the truth. In a way, I know that mindset... I might even dare to suggest, as authors, we all know how it feels to craft what is not real and present it as though it is. We live in our minds, dreaming of what has not happened. Why write nonfiction when fiction is so much more fun *BigSmile*

This is well crafted, with straight lines and no attempts at fancy indents. It's easy to read and perhaps too easy for me to relate to *Yikes*

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*



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Review of Work $#@& Harder?  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Greetings, Sox!

I'm here for I Write 2025, and I see we all hopped on the train at nearly the same time *Laugh* I was waiting for someone to come in after Elycia and Sonali collided...

Anyway... Rebel poetry, huh? A chance to let loose what's really on our minds! I went introspective, as usual when I need darker pieces, but I could just as easily have complained about the "work harder" slogan as you and Viv did. I struggle to find work that accommodates my quirks. For me it's more a matter of adaptation, but there are thousands of people who desperately need help getting decent jobs and are trampled underfoot by the system.

Trump promised to "fix" the economy... He's doing something else to it which I shouldn't say but sounds a bit similar. Rather than bringing back jobs, he's eliminating them, while simultaneously causing the prices of everything to increase and cutting all supports out from under people. Have you heard about all the expectant parents who have been fired from the government? So much for being pro-life. Sigh...

Yeah, I think we can all relate to this. I could go on forever complaining about how he's destroying what took centuries to build and will take untold decades to restore. Right now I think everyone on the planet who isn't either a dictator or utterly brainwashed wants to wring his neck, and I don't care who knows I said it.

Your free verse feels almost like a rap, especially considering how rappers always seem to be furious about something. Perhaps some well placed indents would keep the visual flow interesting. I'm only just beginning to use indents in my poetry; in fact, when I prepare to paste it in here, I have to add > at the spots I want to add {indent} to, otherwise I'll forget. Double >> to indicate double indents, which work perfectly to give a stepped effect. Have fun!

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*



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13
13
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings, Fyn!

I'm here as a fellow member of the PPC5 challenge.

Ah, those midnight mysteries! You've chosen an amusing one for your poem. I like the free verse, conversational style, and the idea of your little doggie hogging the whole bed is one that I'm sure a lot of pet owners can identify with.

The only thing I can suggest is adding a line count and a note as to prompt... Actually, if each of your PPC5 poems is a separate item, you may want to gather them all into a folder to keep them tidy. Perhaps you've already done this. A third genre would be good too, perhaps Comedy or Animal.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*

From Gervic
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14
14
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Greetings, and welcome to writing.com!

I found this via the Random Read and Review button, which I haven't used much lately. I was hesitant to review it at first because I also entered this contest, but whatever. I'll do my best!

I must first inform you, as an entry to Journey Through Genres, you absolutely must choose the genre offered: Detective. It doesn't have to be the primary, but it must be one of the three listed genres, or you're out of luck. I know it's last minute here, but there's still time. Mind the time zones, too: WdC is Eastern US.

With that out of the way... I must say you've picked an original theme for your tale. I like the unconventional Asian detective lady, and the way it pans out is fascinating. But something about it feels... Distant. Like a summarization. I understand you have the word count to work against, and vivid details can't always be included, but I have this odd feeling of the narrative style being cold, dead and unsympathetic, somehow. I couldn't even tell you exactly what's "wrong" about it. So don't mind me; I haven't read a detective story in years.

Why is your dialogue italicized? That's not required in American styling. I know Europeans often leave off quotation marks and use dashes instead, but I've never seen italics.

Also, as a lady, I know enough about blood to know it dries to dark, dull brown, almost black sometimes. Only fresh blood is red. Using human blood as paint would end up looking grossly muddy unless some sort of preservatives were used, and even then it would simply look like red Halloween paint. A creative idea, but it doesn't quite fit with reality.

Best of luck at the contest! This is a great story which captures a lot of the cliches of detective stories while still being innovative and modern.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*

From Gervic
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15
15
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings and welcome to writing.com!

You've set up a delightful and amusing take here, woven with old-fashioned narrative style and translated with your own heart and mind. It's funny, but I've noticed myself that some Canadians don't seem to have a good grip on English grammar... Then again, many Americans don't either *Pthb*

As a previously published story and an experienced author, I don't think you need a whole lot of "advice" about "improvement." Your writing style is well developed, and you translated the work from the original Russian without error, giving us something fun to read with a flavoring of cultural subtext and harmless teasing of those strange pale people...

Perhaps a word count in the subtitle or the opening would be helpful, as many of us here prefer stories as brief as possible, or at least like to know how much time to allow for reading. Along those lines, your storytelling pace seems a bit plodding, but I won't criticize that.

You may also want to increase font size from the default (I can't tell exactly what modifications you've used because I'm on mobile... You may also have simply uploaded a word doc, which I forget is even a possibility around here...) My personal preference is Size 4 Verdana. You can access the text modification settings in the row of tiles above the entry box. A question mark is available to click on for a helpful manual.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*

From Gervic
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16
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Review of Proving Ground  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings, Wren, and welcome to Writing.com!

I love the brief, lyrical flow of this poem; it comes across as a song, reminding me of... Whatever. I'm a music person and know a couple songwriters' styles quite well. A quick peek at Area 52 in my port might give you a hint... Or just check my bio tab *Pthb*

Anyway, you've captured an enduring theme in a few simple words, reminding us to stop and think about our motivations and our goals, dreams, and what we build our lives around. Sometimes people don’t ever think in a deeper way on things, preferring to live life at the surface level rather than diving into philosophical questions and considering where they stand.

I might suggest using Size 4 Verdana font for your items, to help them stand out on our busy pages here. You can underline and perhaps center the title, or drop it since every item we click on has a prominent title anyway. To modify font size and style and other things, you use the row of tiles over the text entry box. Help with the site’s proprietary markup language can be found by clicking on the ? box between the M and the smiley face.

I would encourage you to check out the several pages around here which offer poetry contests… "The Newbie Poetry AwardOpen in new Window., "First and Second Chance Poetry ContestOpen in new Window., "Shadows and Light Poetry ContestOpen in new Window. and "Poetic Traditions Poetry Contest Open in new Window.. You will have to check the various prompt and deadline requirements, but there are plenty of opportunities available to win awards for your work.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*

From Gervic
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17
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Review of the river  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings, Apondia!

I'm here for I Write 2025.

This was a quaint and interesting poem, incorporating fun old songs which speak of rivers. I couldn't help remembering a few of my own favorite songs about rivers: The River, by Imagine Dragons; The River, by Jordan Feliz; River of Dreams, by Billy Joel; and Ghost, by Ella Henderson (written by my favorite guy Ryan Tedder...)

I would suggest using Size 4 Verdana font for your work; it's easier on the eyes and makes our items stand out on the page for a more engaging read. I also wonder why "the river" is underlined; most times italics would be fine for emphasis, but that's only if you need to highlight a given phrase for a contest or project.

I really appreciate your theme of observing how rivers inspire us to create songs and enjoy life. This was a fun read.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*

From Gervic
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18
18
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings, Phyllis!

I'm here for Stephanie's Honey Pit Challenge *Smile* I saw this on your features and thought it looked like a nice positive read.

I love the hymnal quality you've given it. Working within the tight requirements of the form might have been rather awkward, but it feels like a quaint old-fashioned piece one might find in Streams in the Desert.

I can't think of anything to advise you on... Seeing it on mobile, I'm unaware of the font size and style. Size 4 Verdana is my favorite, but these days I just say that because I'm at a loss *Laugh* Oh, perhaps an X-link to a page explaining the Rondeau form would be helpful in case we would like to write our own.

This is a beautiful heartfelt poem sharing your faith.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*

From Gervic
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19
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for entry "Which Bunny?Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Greetings, Sonali!

Well, this is amusing and creative! You should try joining the fun at Cubby's Writing 4 Kids contest; you have such a lighthearted and joyful style.

I had fun reading about the wannabe Easter dust bunnies and their "grasping at straws," shall we say *Laugh* It brightened my day to be able to come in after you at I Write.

As for anything substantial to advise you on... I can't think of a thing! Except for one: you left us hanging as to what the prompt actually was over at Jayne's PromptMaster. I'm curious... *Rabbit2*

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*

From Gervic
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20
20
Review of Afoul  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings, Jeffrey!

I’ve had this lingering in my review drafts for ages now…

Your poetic touch here is brilliant. You’ve captured the vibe of Steinbeck or Remington while making something universal and mythical. The atmosphere is haunting… one thing of beauty takes over the land, subjugating all to the point of no return, yet who can say it’s not good? Then, the twist, the implications of the narrator’s own selling out, and the final drought of unfulfilled desire and withered hopes leaves one questioning, seeking the deeper meaning behind the fable.

You have indented thoughtfully, with the stepped progression building suspense to the single return line to create an engaging look. I always recommend Size 4 Verdana for the best reading experience for all ages, abilities and devices. Have you dropped this off at "Shadows and Light Poetry ContestOpen in new Window. or "First and Second Chance Poetry ContestOpen in new Window.? It really deserves a ribbon.

I’m pleased to meet you and hope to have a moment to browse your portfolio soon.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*

Cute, from Leah's Owl Shop
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21
21
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Greetings, Ed!

I bumbled across this in my sidebar some time ago. What a fun and well written story. I was dreading a dark twist or something of the sort… one never knows what to expect, you know? But yours was friendly and safe, and reminded me of the kind of thing I liked reading as a kid, Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys and such. The twists and turns were exciting, and it came to an end almost too quickly.

Perhaps a word count in the subtitle would be helpful so we know what we’re getting into. Also, Size 4 Verdana font is always a good idea, unless you want to try Courier bold in a larger size to tap into the spirit of news reporting while maintaining visibility.

You should also choose a third relevant genre for the item, to help more readers find and enjoy it. I would recommend News, Crime/Gangster, or Action/Adventure for this one.

And lastly, when you say “single handily” towards the beginning, the phrase is rather “single-handedly.” Not to be confused with “winning handily” or anything *Smile*

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*

From Gervic
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22
22
for entry "Invalid EntryOpen in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings, sir!

I’m here as a fellow member of the PPC5 challenge.

Well, this was quaint and amusing, taking the form and giving it an original twist. I like the playful repetition of rhymes... It sounds almost like an old crooner's song at a pub in Vegas *Laugh*

My only suggestion is that according to the form requirements, there needs to be at least one rhyme with "moon." But it's ok to give it your own spin, as it's a rather complicated form to figure out... (Which reminds me I wanted to try Charles's Arabian poem challenge...)

I'm in a hurry today and honestly can't think of anything else to say... This was fun!

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*

From Gervic
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Review of Wheel of Fortune  Open in new Window.
for entry "April 16, 2025Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Greetings!

I'm here as a fellow member of the PPC5 challenge.

I love how you mastered the form here and created something mysterious and mystical, expressing your unique voice for us to appreciate. And you've given elegant variations to the refrain, making it easier and more engaging to read.

I'll give some standard formatting suggestions: Size 4 Verdana font, maybe in a rich violet shade, and perhaps you should consider adding a cover image to your book item.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*

From Gervic
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for entry "DansaOpen in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, Sox!

I’m here as a fellow member of the PPC5 challenge.

Having bragged about the burst of inspiration born of sheer annoyance (Mom, would you please use earbuds *Laugh*) I was curious to see what anyone else would come up with for this form.

You've done a tongue-in-cheek "oroboros" type of thing here, which was enough to make us chuckle by the end as you wobbled cheerfully through.

Unfortunately... You didn't quite follow the requirements. You probably don't want to hear this, and I know I had a hard time wrapping my head around the form (wrapping the form around my head? *Crazy*) But anyway, I suggest you take a sharp look at the example poem Lilli was kind enough to provide. It'll show you where the repeats are and how the rhyming goes...

No judgement, though, literally, so no sweat. Whatever's easiest. If you don't think you want to see another "dansa" as long as you live, no one will object *BigSmile*

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*

From Gervic
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Review of I Return  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings, sir! Welcome to writing.com, and thank you for requesting a review.

I appreciate the concept you've developed here. The potential for redemption of the world's worst villain is definitely worthy of some contemplation, and one can't help feeling a little awed at the thought of Lucifer's return to the Light.

However, I feel the need to say this is lacking in multiple areas of basic Christian belief. It presents such a one-sided view, indeed, that we marvel at Lucifer's hubris at thinking he can just drop everything and come marching back to New Jerusalem and expect to be welcomed with open arms. This very attitude of arrogance and presumption is what got him into his mess in the first place, and it's unwittingly telling that he still carries such a sense of entitlement.

The idea, too, of returning to a city, rather than to the Person Who built the city, comes across as somewhat impersonal and removed. Lucifer should be desiring to restore his relationship with his Creator; instead, it almost feels like he's aiming at getting a high-ranking position in New Jerusalem by claiming he's reformed, like a mafioso fresh out of prison.

Also, the basic concept of Christian redemption is not even touched on. Most Christians focus on the cross and the death and resurrection of Christ as the atonement for their sins. Without a proper grasp of the sacrifice of Christ, Lucifer has no chance of accepting salvation through the precious Blood. He cannot save himself simply by letting go of his former life; he has a debt to pay, and a Savior to embrace. This poem doesn't seem as though Lucifer is ready to fall at Christ's feet in humble, awestruck worship in gratitude for the enormous price paid for his salvation.

Which brings me to another crucial point: is it even possible for Lucifer to be forgiven for what he has done through the ages? Humanity is not willing to forgive Hitler, and yet Lucifer has caused the torture, death and condemnation to hell of untold billions of people. He does not seem to have an attitude of sincere regret for and abhorrence of his actions; rather, he's merely tired of the daily grind and wants a shiny new job. This shallowness of motivation and extent of damage wrought makes us uneasy as we consider the matter, especially as we do not see how he is received at the gates. There is no resolution, no real redemption offered, only the shifting desires of a decidedly untrustworthy narrator.

I am not going to presume to tell you how to modify your poem to make it more theologically sound, especially since I don't consider myself a devout believer in Christianity. I might suggest turning it into a story, which may end up being a novella, exploring multiple angles of what it means to truly be remorseful and appalled at one's own behavior, the cost of salvation, the consequences of one's actions, the pain, shame and difficulty involved in returning, and the power of forgiveness and redemption. This would allow for maximum character development, both in Lucifer and in Christ Himself as we see them interact, though I don't want to suggest anything potentially sacrilegious.

Along the lines of creating a gripping, emotionally moving storyline, I remember how the Jehovah's Witnesses or the Mormons claim that Jesus and Lucifer are actually brothers. This would be a fascinating angle to pursue, if you care to dabble in what is usually considered somewhat unorthodox.

In conclusion, I see a depiction of a deeply selfish figure coming to enter New Jerusalem with possibly evil intentions, or at the very least with an insufficient idea of what he's gotten himself into. This has brilliant potential, but I'm afraid it falls short of being the intensely well-rounded and in-depth study that the subject warrants.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*

From Gervic
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