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This review is in response to your post on "Please Review" . Please remember that these comments are merely my personal point of view.
Hello, Rayne. As the mother of a motorcycle riding son, your story caught my interest.
I found it to be an interesting read that held my attention with the appearance of the mystery rider.
You did a good job in developing the characters through visual descriptions and dialogue.
The dialogue was realistic and as mentioned, offered realism to the main characters.
The setting was practical allowing the reader to visualize the surroundings.
The storyline was logical; no leaps that might be confusing to the reader.
The mechanics? Well, lots of room for improvement from my POV. Besides what is mentioned below, I suggest reviewing the presentation from paragraph ten on. Some of the spacing is a little distracting...new paragraph or just a quick finger on the 'enter' key?
Thanksgiving weekend
you should see my jacket,” he
awesome for riding,” said
Hi,” he said
just having fun,” he pleaded
at what they were constantly gawking at
to visit family for the Thanksgiving
Riding in the autumn was
Sportster, which isn't normally a silent
Jordana was a cautious rider who truly
grunted to herself; she was not
hair waved behind her as
hopes that he didn’t get too close
Sportster was a safely 5 feet away to her left
Front Street
advice for him!”.
High Harleys.”
All the way downtown, her anger all the way downtown had made her quite hot.
“That’s was immature
on the road, brought
other circumstances, Robbie,
sure,” Jordana said raising
you’d come find me.”.
dressed perfectly for it,” Robbie
silencer on the exhaust.”
behind me, I’ll be able to hear you.”
how happy you are to have met me,”
Personally, I feel you are familiar with the basics in your writing and mechanics. I'm just thinking you wanted to get this story out there and after reading, I can understand why.
It was a delightful read and I'm glad you posted it for an r&r.
Excuse me while I exhale a BIG ~sigh~ here. I loved this story!
The characters are real...filled with believable emotions. It might have been interesting to read some of that emotion in dialogue, but lack of did not seem to distract from the story.
The development of the story is logical and easy to follow.
The presentation and structure invites the reader to relax and just enjoy the read.
This was a delightful writing (even with the sadness interlaced).
This was a very touching story that I wish could be hung at the receptionist desk of every doctor's office.
The message of this story grabs the attention of anyone who has waited for lab results. The characters and dialogue are real; the atmosphere of fear and frustration is so believable.
Just a couple of things caught my eye while reading:
“What do you mean ‘confusion'?
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Palmer.
The writing was kept simple and to the point, keeping the interest of the reader through its dialogue. The ending was a great summation of this emotional story.
Greetings, Elisa the Bunny Stik. Powerful words that reminds each of us we are but one voice, yet combined with others...we can make a difference. At least that was my interpretation of your potent writing.
A strong writing that grabs your reader's attention. Our surroundings might shape us somewhat, but we also have the power to shape our surroundings.
An perceptive writing that reminds us we all have a voice...use it!
Hello, Redtowrite. I noticed you requested r&r's for this writing on "Please Review"
Alzheimer's is a very cruel disease, robbing its prey and families of everything but love; it's so sad to read that its victims are robbed of even more than that.
Your title is very catchy and brings to my mind the moments of clarity that a patient occasionally has...it returns just like the dust bunnies.
This is a very touching story, and since you are hoping to submit to a magazine, I will offer my meager suggestions.
I received a call from the nursing home where my Mother is that her diamond cluster ring was missing.This sentence reads a little rough...Perhaps, editing more along I received a call from the nursing home that my mother's diamond cluster ring was missing.
She had such little personal things left. Perhaps, She had so few personal things left.
Her hands had been swelling at times and then beomethen had become
around her original diamonditin a dinner ring setting
You mention it is your grandmother's ring, then your mother's grandmother's ring?One reference needs to be changed to either great-grandmother or mother
Heroriginalhad a tiny diamond in it.
“everything is gone.”
if only I hadn’t taken the ring."
ormaking
Does she remember her andme
the “I love you,"(space)took away
It is always difficult to r&r a non-fiction writing that is so personal. Best wishes in your submission to a magazine.
Hello, Jeremummy. Oh, in my haste to r&r you, seems I enjoyed Chapter One before the Prologue. Regardless, after reading the Prologue, I would have continued to Chapter One.
Again, I don't claim to be a committed reader of fantasy or sci-fi, but I may have to retract that statement soon if I continue to read your story.
Your characters seem so real and their relationship to the storyline is believable.
The dialogue is realistic and helps to elaborate on the personalities of each character.
The setting is clearly described through your words and the dialogue of the characters.
The development of your prologue is easy to follow and the pacing of the story involves the reader upfront.
A few mechanical problems that I noticed while enjoying my read...
Came a gentle voice from beyond Perhaps, rearranging to read: A gentle voice came from beyond
Feina looked upward at the welcoming
With Feina safely in the cabin,
With the cabin door shut, These two consecutive sentences beginning precisely in same format is rather noticeable, in my opinion.
her right foot tucked under her left knee.
but the young woman it belonged to was
It's beautiful," Khameris said with a childlike gleam.
The purpose of the Mage itself," he stated
He hoped his words would soothe
through her silky hair and and kissing her gentle lips
Your prologue to the story is enticing enough to make this reader want to read more...even if she already has?
Hi, B. Olson. Overall, this was a good read that kept this reader's interest.
The characters, for the most part, were believable (see reference to paramedic below).
The dialogue was realistic. My dogs and I carry on some great conversations.
The setting is clear, even as it bounces from past to present.
The progression of events and characters are logical although I do feel there needs to be more separation between the timing (addressed below).
I found no major problems with the mechanics of the writing. A few sentence fragments that I attributed to everyday conversation.
Now, for suggestions that I do personally feel need addressing:
edge of the flag flapping in the breeze. Although you address the usage of breeze in the next sentence, I personally feel this is too mild a word to match the storm brewing outside. Perhaps even 'wind' would be a better choice?
shaking Danny back to the present.
It is going to be rather difficult to remove the post so that we can put you on the stretcher.” I do not quite believe that a paramedic would call attention to this dire situation, or that he would attempt to remove the post at the scene of the accident. It seems more reasonable that they would cut the post, leaving it intact, and transport immediately.
I suggest double spacing between paragraphs and maybe adding a line of "*******" to separate the time periods in the story. I feel this would create a more inviting presentation.
This reader found herself immersed in the story. You've used some vivid words that keep the reader entertained. For instance, lightning rip through the black night and bolts flashed through the sky. I really liked the ending line that related back to the earlier tragedy.
Good afternoon, Sweet Georgia Brown. Thank you for sharing this insightful writing about forgiveness. You have brought to mind several good reasons to pardon our offenders whether the reader is a believer or not.
Personally, I'm a champion of learning to forgive ourselves which is usually harder than forgiving others.
Just one suggestion:
and display the wrong attitude.
This is a 'feel good' writing that encourages the reader to move beyond the pettiness and grievance, and enjoy life.
An emotionally impacted poem that certainly describes a relationship gone horribly wrong.
Personally, I'm thinking your words could be more forceful if you separated the thoughts with punctuation other than commas. Perhaps a period or paragraph would allow the reader to pause and concentrate on your thoughts?
A few things that I suggest editing:
anger take over the unfair
grows with each aching
heart do its damage
Your feelings are revealed vividly in this poem and impart the heart of a poet.
Grandmothers are a wealth of stories just waiting to be shared. Your chosen source for this interview has provided real insight into the woes of the Great Depression.
The story is heartwarming and reveals how those who had so little themselves were still willing to share with others. You translated your grandmother’s words quite movingly in this writing.
One typo that I noticed:
The girl said she was because
You might want to check your spacing in the last two paragraphs. It seems you may have hit the ‘enter’ key before finishing each paragraph which somewhat detracts from the presentation of this touching writing.
Hello, Tor. This writing requires NO Mulligan. It captures the reader's interest from beginning to end. I believe in miracles and was hoping the end would provide one... This was a wonderful read!
The characters were so believable and immediately drew the reader into the story.
The dialogue was realistic and offered further depth to the characters, although it also is my main suggestion of this r&r. Remember that direct address naming a person being spoken to needs to be set off by commas. For instance: "Trust me, sir,” “I will leave you now, Abraham.”
The setting and atmosphere throughout the story draws the reader into the experiences of the characters.
The development and pacing of the story is logical and appealing.
The overall mechanics of the writing is very good, except for note above relating to direct addressing in the dialogue. One line did cause me a pause while reading:
Her beautiful face had collapsed in on itself with pain and grief To be personally, seems a peculiar way to describe her pain and grief.
The presentation is inviting to reader.
A quality read that will have me visiting your port again.
Short story it is, but so touching. I just had to sigh at its ending.
The storyline is good, the characters are believable, dialogue is realistic, and the ending is...well, "sigh."
The presentation is a little distracting, though. Perhaps you might consider double spacing between paragraphs? My personal opinion is that presentation either invites or discourages a reader from enjoying your words.
A delightful read which I'm sure is only the start of a delightful port!
Please, ~Write On~ so that we might enjoy more of your words!
I found your top ten events/issues of 2000 an interesting read. It seems you have put a lot of research into your facts that I will definitely not take the time to challenge.
The presentation, in my personal opinion, is lacking. It is not an inviting scenario for r&r's to visit. I suggest double spacing after each heading and between paragraphs to create a more tempting read.
Despite the numerous editing suggestions I have offered, I stand by my 3.0 rating for content of the information itself.
That the administration was just getting its revenge on Wilson by hurting Plame and her career. Sentence fragment, you might consider revising.
came in that it had crashed
insulation foam that had come off of the ship
and also that it is too traumatic for a woman to
told people to treat people I with respect all the time
Al Gore was one of the most controversial elections
Sixty percent of the storm deaths
contributed to many changes in the world today.
concrete facts that goes with the earth is warming is that ten hottest years on record have occurred in the last fifteen
Bin Laden's unknown
mass destruction were found.
two hijacked jets crashed
As Fire fighters and police officers raced up the buildings to try to save the thousands still in the buildings before they collapsed.
The helicopter’s circling
fire fighters and police officers in American history
confined to New York; there were two more
One, crashed into the Pentagon Delete the comma.
Thank you for not including a heading regarding Paris' really simple life.
I really like the writing style you chose to present these emotions. Very few words used yet your feelings reach out to the reader.
My only suggestion is to avoid ending one line with same word as beginning of next line, if it can be avoided. Perhaps, clock is slowing, or minutes, seconds slowing? Just my personal observation.
It's difficult to convey deep thoughts with such well-chosen words.
Every generation has their dare devils, stunts, and lessons growing up. This was written to each generation of the past in remembrance, the generation growing up now, and the generations to grow up years down the road. Not that our currently growing-up generation will take heed, but I do hope they take the time to read.
This is a beautifully written story with the wisdom of one who has traveled the path. It brought me smiles, tears, and memories of the dare devils I had to say good bye to before their lives really began.
Personally, all I can suggest is to work on the presentation of this thoughtful writing. Perhaps double spacing the paragraphs to create a more inviting read?
I encourage all our younger members to read this as a reminder that you and your friends are not immortal. Also, perhaps parents sharing this writing with their teenagers. I'm sure you'll get the blank, what has that got to do with me stare, but maybe they'll remember a few of the words.
An enjoyable read that kept this reader entertained and involved in the story. You've invited the reader to feel Keith's pain and frustration through quite descriptive visualizations of the darkness of the night and his mood.
The overall presentation is appealing. It is apparent though that you did not take the time to read through the story after you posted. There are several misspelled words that might have been caught. To be honest, I was prepared to rate this lower until I read the ending. The twist combined with the visualizations just wouldn't allow me to rate lower, despite the technical issues.
stool by the window that had become his favorite spot
fill the empty space where his feelings used to live.
engulf the lively city and suffocate its lonely resident.
she left and his life fell apart.
Within a few seconds he was soaked to the skin
He didn’t need to look where he was going; he memorized
and he saw them wandering the streets as he walked
almost there now, only a another block of
walked towards the walkway that would
take him
Maybe this would wake him up from the trance
A few more steps and he would be able to talk to her; he
It was now or never
Again, the twist at the end was unexpected but completed the story with a charge. With a little editing, I'm sure this will become an appreciated read for many other Writing.Com members.
There is a lot of thought behind your words as to what we say or don't say; how we sometimes tend to dwell on what we'd like to say but never get the words out and then the moment is lost.
ourselfs should be ourselves
You have certainly been busy in your port, adding many writings for us to enjoy.
This is a touching story, which is full of the humor and reality of a five-year old.
The story was full of twists and turns that a child's escapades can provide throughout a day, tempered by candid reactions of parents throughout the same day.
The characters were endearing and realistic.
Some things I noticed while enjoying my read:
his favorite, red shirt (delete comma)
Watch where you’re going, Mathew
You don’t know everything, Haleigh
doesn’t, Mom
Happy birthday, Matt
“But I couldn’t get into the tree
The trip was slow;
hose, and then
“Sorry about that, Rob.”
"Wait for me.”
had a full day at work, Mathew
a great policeman, Mathew
You have a good day, sir.”
We’ll talk inside, Mathew
Silenced followed their entrance
That’s all well and good, Mathew
You understand what I’m saying, Mathew David
I’m sorry.”
be a cook, she agreed to let him help her with cook dinner.
Looks good, Mathew
Very good, Mathew
“What are you doing?”
“Why don’t you get a bath?
why his bowl had been emptied so quickly
“I am so proud of you, Mathew.”
Remember that when naming a person or group being directly spoken to, to set off the direct address by commas.
A delightful read that keeps your audience entertained. The writing does require some editing, but is still a warm, fuzzy story that puts a smile on your reader's face.
An informational read that has enlightened me on the ups and downs of the University of Alabama's football history. I do not follow footbal follies, but it certainly sounds like they have fallen off their once upon a time pedestal.
Suggestions:
football coach, J.B.
Summary:
An interesting read that confirms the fact that some athletes and athletic programs need to get back to the basics of playing the game because they want to, and because they enjoy it.
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Regardless, after reading the Prologue, I would have continued to Chapter One. 
Personal Comments: