My thanks to the new 'Random' button for dropping your writing within my view!
I absolutely love the thought and story behind your poem of searching for the ability to forgive. Your versed weakness and inability to accomplish the task on your own reminds your reader of where to turn.
I'm not sure why the first verse was repeated as it is powerful enough to embrace your reader when read the first time.
Although there is no set rhythm, your words still seem to flow off the reader's tongue with ease. The ryhme scheme is overall quite good...only noticeably stretched in lines three and four of verse five. Yet, it really doesn't seem to detract from the message of the writing.
This was an inspirational poem that delivered a powerful message.
This was a delightful story about young love and support amidst tragedy.
The characters were so loveable as was the storyline. This reader was drawn into the story and felt the emotions of each character.
The dialogue brought the characters to life, relating the calm, upheaval, and mood of the story.
I did notice a few mechanical errors that you might want to address:
My mom called me at least once
People react to bad news in different ways
crying hysterically, and I should come say good-bye
I would advise doing a quick spell check before submitting writings to contests
Also, the presentation is not real inviting to the reader. Personally, I suggest double spacing the paragraphs so the writing doesn't look quite as cluttered.
Despite my suggestions, your story was a heartfelt read that certainly should be enjoyed by others.
This was a delightful story that shared the excitement of Jess exploring his first exposure to a circus. You allowed the reader to be drawn into his frenzy of watching and waiting.
Viewing the circus for the very first time through his eyes and thoughts was nearly as electric for the reader as it was for Jess. The innocent descriptions of what Jess was seeing from his hilltop perch was comical.
Your story was an enjoyable read that invited me to participate in Jess's adventure.
Greetings, Daisy. Well, 'lo and behold the first chance I have to click on the new 'Random' review button and up pops this semi-dark under the glare of sunshine writing dedicated to someone who reaches out to so many here in Writing.Com.
I know this button is going to keep me up past my bedtime now that I've taken a chance to click it.
Okay, this is about you and your delightful penned poem.
Knowing the inspiration for your words, I can fully understand the writing. You did a wonderful job of crawling into the darkness for 12 lines until the light managed to drag you back.
Actually, you had me convinced that the dark, demons, and shadows could inspire your creativity with such descriptive darkside verse. I think if you close the shades you would do the darkside a favor with your imagination and flair for setting the scene for those things that go bump in the night.
The contrast in your writing between darkness and light creates a collage of visuals and feelings that is experienced by your reader. It expresses my own sentiment of wanting to escape into another genre of writing, yet being drawn back to the emotions I'm more comfortable wih expressing.
Neither rhyme or rhythm seems forced to create your words. It's just a great read that speaks to writers wanting to spread their wings and explore other styles.
This was a delightful read. It deals with a sad situation that is felt, but it doesn't dwell on the tragedy and allows the reader to applaud the antics of the avenger. The story content could nearly be a newspaper headline in the political circles today.
Although there is no real dialogue in the story, your reader has no problem in tuning into the unquoted dialogue happening throughout the story.
The characters are brought to life visually through your descriptions: far from a bride's gentle blush, face resembled an over-ripe tomato, meaty hands, etc.
The development of the story is logical, yet has twists that surprises the reader.
The writing was short yet the pacing drew the reader in and kept them involved in the story.
Just a few things I noticed while enjoying my read:
hiccupy toast Just wondering if hiccupy toast could be reworded? It certainly delivers the picture, but don't think it's really a word.
miss the first half of the Joe’s speech, the Joe's makes it sound like Joe is one-of-a-kind...which guess after that speech, he might be?
}Good work, Joe, thought Roy, Delete the }
I enjoyed reading this story. I really hope to enjoy more of your writings.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful story about your grandmother, Hally. Grandparents are such special beings. I think after raising their own children, they are finally awarded the "How To" handbook on doing everything right with their grandchildren.
Your story brings comfort to those who have lost a loved one. Your list of how to deal with grief is enlightening and helpful. I believe that writing down your memories and the thoughts you are currently experiencing definitely helps the healing process.
I found nothing grammatically wrong with your writing that detracts from your words. I personally feel it will offer solace to those needing a little help right now.
Hello, Sarah. This is the third of of three r&r's donated in "Invalid Item" .
Another delightful read where I personally feel your descriptive ability shines. The prologue lures the reader into waiting for the next addition.
Of course, I feel compelled to address a few suggestions...
shimmery = shimmering?
illuminous = luminous?
Tonight was the night she had been waiting for for what seemed
I've never been a BIG fan of fantasy or vampire stories, but my reading and enjoyment of this writing style has grown thanks to talented Writing.Com members who manage to capture my interest in this genre.
This is a good start that creates interest in upcoming ventures of Tanya and Eric.
Greetings, Sarah. This is my first review of three that you won in "Invalid Item" .
I found this story to be quite entertaining and it definitely pulled on the ol' heart strings. The characters are brought to life for the reader throughout the story allowing us to feel their emotions.
The dialogue is expressed realistically between sisters who have shared so much throughout the years and really know each other, but are now in separate settings.
The development of the story keeps your reader involved and wanting to continue their read.
Now, just a few items that I noticed which you might want to address:
except for that weird glowy thing around her I think Mr. Webster is shuddering about now...perhaps glowing?
lazy and daredevilish dare devilish?
Then suddenly she closed her eyes gently and whispered calmly, "I think I have to go now."
Although this is a 'fantasy' story, I feel it could provide some comfort to anyone who has lost someone close. Our dreams are somewhat like a fantasy and we never know when our loved ones may visit us in our sleep to remind us of the good times together that will be shared again..
Hi, Alesia. Well, I've had to delve into your so-called 'Old Works' folder which I think I'll find rather entertaining.
Your words hang heavy in a heart knowing they are not fictional. I'm sure they brought some comfort to a mother suffering the most unimaginable loss.
It's always hard to comment truthfully on such a personal writing but since you added to your port and left it open for ratings and observations, I came to review.
Your words are touching yet do leave me a little confused in a few lines.
Your first line...I watch you from a secret place Personally, I believe there is no 'secret place' in the afterlife...only two choices.
I want you to know that you can always trust me
I have kept all your secrets
Never will I go against you These lines almost read as having an evil connotation which I know was not intended.
I was yours from the day you were born If this is written from son to mother, shouldn't it read from the day I was born?
So make sure you make the right choices
For I would hate for you to join me to early Again, this just doesn't read to me as something a son might say to his mother but perhaps viceversa.
for you to join me too
My apologies if I have misinterpreted your words but from the 'brief description,' I read this as a message from son to mother. Although I can understand the majority of words relayed from a son, some words are still rather blurred in their meaning.
Hi, Alesia. Well, I can see that Flash Fiction is quite a challenge with so few words to express such a joyous occasion! Congratulations on taking the challenge.
I can relate to this story since my daughter was quite stubborn even when threatened with the bruising forceps. This is a darling story that relates the pain associated with the greatest reward...the healthy birth of a little cherub to cherish forever.
Just a couple things I noticed:
and took your measurements.. Delete one period.
Perfect for a sweet little princess to grow up in. A fragment...perhaps an edit?
The storyline is beautiful and your words duly relate the sequence of events. It's a narrative tale yet meets the required flash fiction elements of protagonist, conflict, obstacles or complications, and resolution.
(((Sherri!))) This is a wonderful new forum, not to mention a time saver and great resource when looking for a gift to award that special Writing.Com member. While it's always fun to purchase raffle/auction tickets for someone, occasionally we need a gift NOW. So, not having to wait for a drawing is a BIG plus, as is not having to come up with a delightful idea ourselves!
Just a little spacing/grammatical problem that I noticed:
There is no waiting on an auction, etc. that you may have to wait on. Perhaps, There is no waiting for an auction/raffle drawing. (space)(space)Just Because I Want To offers... Also, maybe italicizing or bolding the name of the forum just to reinforce it in the reader's memory?
Other than my humble suggestions above, the forum looks very inviting. The combinations within and variations of packages offer something for everyone, giver or receiver, at very reasonable GP prices.
Hello, Alesia. Finally, I had the pleasure of visiting your port.
I enjoyed my visit as you allowed me to share a day with your little darling. I'm sure each day changes as she becomes more independent and/or oatmeal or bath time is not quite her fave on any given day. Regardless what they toss our way, each day becomes our favorite with them.
As I remember, each second, minute seems to dash to the next when dealing with a 20-month old. Your unpunctuated words portray the instantaneous changes which can occur in the blink of an eye, so I feel the lack of punctuation adds to the delightful, twists of your day.
A few things I do feel need to be addressed:
you're finally dressed
30 minute I would spell out minute It's a big big world
Slowly you nod off in dreamland
Thanks for the trip down memory lane, although I must admit it wore me out!
Greetings, EpicDreamer, and welcome to Writing.Com!
Oh, your beautiful writing praising your mom gave me chills. Any mother would feel blessed reading your words!
Your thoughts on motherhood and the joyous deeds performed everyday is refreshing and delightful. You left this mother with a smile on her face knowing that the little things and discipline are appreciated, even if not at that moment.
Your deep insight into the everyday occurrences of life and how they reflect from mother to child is so enouraging to any parent. Your words reward the loving efforts of mothers and fathers just trying to do their best.
I would like to invite all parents in Writing.Com to enjoy your words and thoughts.
My personal thanks to Legerdemain for posting your writing in "Invalid Item" allowing me to enjoy reading your words.
I noticed your brief description read 'is a story that is loosely based on a real story.' I'm not sure how loosely it is based but must comment that it more than loosely touched every thread of my heart. It entangled each thread, knotted them, yet the ending allowed me to breathe again as they unwound.
The reader is grasped by your opening thoughts leading into the story. A creative beginning that assures us we are not alone in this sometimes overwhelming feeling.
The characters are so vivid and I'm sure many readers have associated them with their own families or other loved ones. The caring, watchful family entwined where, yes, we keep our fingers crossed and our prayers voiced that nothing bad can strike.
The dialogue supports each character in the story. It's real, and expressed in familiar words exchanged everyday. One minor notation would be with direct address to add a comma. For instance: "How long will that take, daddy?"
Each setting introduced allows the reader to settle in and follow with ease. The surrounding atmosphere allows your reader to experience what is expected.
Your reader is never lost as the story develops. The progression of characters and events are so easy to follow.
The pacing is not rushed and allows the reader to get acquainted with each character and the story.
I did notice some mechanical errors and what would an r&r be if not honest enough to point out?
what was the little girl's name?"" You take her."" Not sure why the double parenthesis?
doll". A comma or period that is grammatically necessary is always placed inside the closing quotation mark.
to listen to her eagerly telling of the days events
that your daughter's class
Shannon saw it
we would learn of our daughter's fate.
and the standard diploma's on the No apostrophe necessary...not possessive.
base of the doll which read, "Janie". A comma or period that is grammatically necessary is always placed inside the closing quotation mark.
He looked exhausted,
There are just those stories that despite the mechanical errors pointed out still deserve a 5.0 rating for feeling, content, and overall ability to leave the reader with a thrill, a chill, a sigh or shaking head with thought 'how can words reach so deep into my heart.' I would have loved this story without the ending twist of how lives can cross paths so unexpectedly.
Your personal introduction to this beautiful story that follows plus your personal closing thoughts allow the reader to ponder the vastness of a world that actually can become quite small with our next breath.
I must recommend this writing to others to enjoy! You will NOT be disappointed in its message.
Oh, these are the words of every first love and the many to follow. Your hurt, want, and hope are still so vivid in the hearts of many whether 17 or 67.
I do believe you meant hoping rather than hopping, though?
Your words touch the reader's heart while remembering so many heartaches of their own.
You possess the ability to express yourself creatively and that's all that is necessary to write!
A delightful read that allows the reviewer to relish the colors, music and each image of an Indian summer's day. So many lines that momentarily erase the frigid thoughts of winter inviting the reader to indulge in the warmth of your imagery.
I can offer no words more colorful or poetic than yours to enhance this writing.
Only advice I have is to reviewers to read this if in stagnation of winter blahs or if craving an enchanting writing to r&r.
My oh my, staine, you best watch out or your darkness will dim and reveal to us the light{/}. Of course, all your writings are a delight to read, but this one shines so bright!
Your words reveal so much of what we still need to embrace...one nation, one color under God. Unfortunately, we must leave it to our greedy politcians to embrace 'justice for all' and a new direction.
Quite the inspirational writing from a friend across the border, and I find it interesting to view your thoughts about the good ol' USA.
There is nothing I could suggest changing in your poem, but must applaud you for the colorful balance in your writings.
Greetings, CM. I felt it about time to revisit your port and am SO glad I did as there is always a treasure to be read.
Although these inspirational words were written five years ago, they so apply to today's world with the war still raging, the economic crisis, and the disasters worldwide. Your beautiful reminder of where we need to turn brought a smile to my face and hope to my heart that each day is a brand new start.
As always, your writing is inviting in its presentation, spelling, rhyme, and thought. There is nothing I can suggest, other than to those needing an uplift today, to read and enjoy.
Hello, eggnog. Well, when I read your request for an r&r of lyrics on "Please Review" , the title just screamed c&w...so I came and read.
The lines that I read were convincing, but definately not enough of them for any DJ to even take a sip of water to quench a dry throat between flipping switches or whatever they do.
It's a good start with some strong lyrical appreciation, but surely a broken hearted savior would have a few more lines to preach about. I'm thinking at least four lines then the refrain.
You might consider checking out "Invalid Item" , if you're not already familiar with it. It's a great forum/contest for country music lyrics with a few prompts to get those creative juices flowing.
Hi, fyn. I happened upon your beautiful words by clicking on a highlight beneath 'By Online Authors.' Your title and description invited me to enjoy this delightful read.
This is truly a read to share with children or to simply read to oneself. Of course, with bullying being so prevalent in schools and/or the workplace, I would advise parents to welcome the chance to share this charming read with their munchkins or to read to themselves.
Your words are magical and leaves the reader with a sigh and grin. I honestly can imagine this as a designed picture book for the very young to pre-teen to adult bully or bullied. There is one designated floor at work that NO employee wants to travel due to the "you don't want to turn your back"; luckily I'm a floor beneath it. Surely, your message could touch so many.
Suggestions? Okay, some verses had two lines and some three between. Like that is going to distract me from the beautiful message your words reveal.
Rudolph had a shiny nose and your main character had thick glasses...yet Ol' Saint Nick chose them.
Fyn, you've written a classic that could apply to young or old! I loved it!
Greetings, CM. Of course a visit to Monty's forum beckons me to read your gifted entry.
Your words are always a delight to read. You've captured the vision of wildlife in the frozen north, drawing your reader into the reality of survival yet the beauty of nature and circle of life.
Just a couple things that caught my eye while enjoying my read...
sound of a doe's weak cries ,
as she makes her
The wolves' hunger lures them
An insightful, descriptive writing about the perils and glory of the frozen north. The originality and visual painted by your words deserves a 5+ rating.
Hi, James. I love traditional poetry and knew that Monty's contest was the place to look. I also knew I wouldn't be disappointed choosing to read your entry.
This is perfection from rhyme to rhythm to content. Your words have to touch any reader whether or not they believe in this war or any previous wars that were fought for our freedom by our brave men, women and their families.
From beginning to end your words mesmerize your reader. The thought within your words demands that the reader realize the sacrifice these men, women, and families offer for each of us everyday. This is a 5+++ writing!
As a country music lover, I feel these could be lyrics or a poem.
The words are touching and reflects a love that has survived many years.
It seems you carried a rhyme scheme through most of the poem, then just lost it. Although the rhythm is not perfect, it seems to read quite easily without stumbling through the lines.
A few things I noticed, if you choose to edit;
there is no one else
fills me to know you're mine
I'm encouraged to move I may be misinterpreting this line.
but it's always the same
but it's the same old you
Yes dear - it's a new year
This was a delightful read that left your reader with a happy sigh!
Hi, rixfarmgirl. This was a beautiful, heartfelt prayer poem. Your feelings and belief touched this reader.
The rhyme scheme was very good and the words flowed easily from the page and off my tongue. You controlled the rhyme rather than it controlling you; none of the lines sounded forced.
Centering of the poem creates an inviting presentation to the reader.
I don't feel there are any suggestions or edits necessary to improve this prayer. Your words are thoughtful and offers hope and comfort to your reader.
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The ryhme scheme is overall quite good...only noticeably stretched in lines three and four of verse five. Yet, it really doesn't seem to detract from the message of the writing.
