Hiya - I read your story. The plot is good, the pace is quick - I really enjoy short stories that don't drag the reader for ages to simply fall flat. Your use of imagery is amazing. I know that you are starting out...so I will go easy on you as I feel that there is potential and lots more wonderful stories to be told by you!
The opening hook is not strong. Yeah I know that you wanted the reader to be aware of the surrounding etc[or whatever x reason]...but to quote from one bestselling writer, you don't start with warming up your own fingers with something along the lines of "rosy fingers of dawn"...lol. If the intro isn't strong, then you have every change of losing the reader to something else.
breathing in deeply - avoid words that end in "ly" ie deeply. Better ways to write this. You can
google this up for more info.
My main issue was that I couldn't get inside the protagonists head...I couldn't hear his thoughts and relate to him, except from his actions.
Hiya - I like your story. It has a twist to it, and the setup is good too. In my opinion, you will go far in writing, as you led the reader to a certain mood (intense heat) before allowing the idea to something for the soul.
Just a few pointers...
Avoid words that end with "ly" ie Barely. You can google this up, as there are better ways to write this.
Hiya - that is nice poem. I once worked beside a person who is autistic in the mild form. At the initial meeting, I found that I needed to have more space from him as I would from a 'normal' person. It took a while [my obvious need for space and quietness so transparent! ...lol! ], maybe an hour later when I found that he was my best asset for a difficult job.
All the best!
PS - For the second time, he turned up for a touch job in the middle of nowhere, on a Friday evening when most sane people would be just relaxing after a long week!
Wow...I think I may sleep with the lights on tonight. I have to admit, I haven't come across an event that I could have not have rationally explained yet. Recently, I took some interest in the youtube photos of the unexplained, and some of the comments at the bottom are far from flattering, hilarious to the outright ... well outrageous.
Regarding your piece, it was until about the 7th paragraph that the real juicy part of the story comes into play...it's kinda like those internet advertisements that go for ages until you get some corny sales pitch.
But well no matter...I did read it all...I did enjoy it some...so 4 stars...
Hiya - thanks for this! I think you have a good piece of writing here...but I fear that I must throw a spanner in the works. Prejudice must be eliminated...but I guess that's something that makes us different so we stick to "our kind".
My personal values are different to a single 45 old man who hasn't seen or heard from his kids for over a decade. He tosses me a sandwich he bought for no reason, I devour it because I don't like food going to waste (my philosophy is never to say no to offered food). He has offered me a room to stay for free, but I decline it...preferring to sleep in my car, and live frugally.
Why?
If everyone shared my values...I would feel safer. But I have changed a lot from my younger days too...when I would view others in the same way as a predator. Where does this prejudice begin?
Hiya - I read your story...well some of it anyways. To be honest, many moons ago, I also started out in a similar vein, of a wounded hero, cared for by a female, and then the interactions/relation progressed. It was also of an alien...lol. [unconsciously then I had plagiarized off Frank Tilley]...
But back to your work...
It's a good effort, and certainly can go far. I have read a fair few books and this is a theme that works wonders especially in the Romance genres.
Now some criticisms ...
The opening is a bit bit weak...especially with the overused word "He". Then again you also start describing the character...yeah I know that you have some X reason for this, but trust me, you can leave this for well after the 2nd chapter! For now, you need a hook to keep the reader interested...so they will follow and bond, and the trials the wounded hero has to endure. Yep he has a six inch gash on him, and yes he can deal with being bitten by a snake also (this is story remember!).
Just some pointer...
-Might be a good idea to read up on "hooks for the first paragraph".
-You may wish to leave this first draft for six weeks before reading it again. Amazing the discoveries here you find.
-Grammar on sentences... eg "Gathering the water, he splashed the cool substance on his face."
Needs a re-write..
Keep writing buddy! You have a best seller inside you! All the best!
Hiya - I read your piece. Well actually several times. It kinda comes like a puzzle. I like puzzles, but it will be interesting to see if what you wrote will do the rounds in the spam emails I get every now and then. For me, Aladdin is just the guy who gets the lamp and has a series of adventures. It was quite interesting that you added a nephew here too.
Well, each to their own...
PS - I took a 1/2 star off because, damn to my ego, but I can't figure this out.
Hiya - thanks for your viewpoint. I checked up a bit on your profile, if you don't mind, as I have seen discussions like this break some of the internet forums, I time to time visit, apart. You have a balanced article, and thank you for not going to the extremist element. I guess all I can state for now is that a few bad apples is all it takes to feel that we are all back in the dark ages.
Hiya - I read your piece. It is quite good, I would recommend that many people would read what you have here, and have a discussion on it to vent their ideas and thoughts (keyboard warriors we all are). In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if a similar thread runs along at the "www.economist.com".
In my side of the argument, I come from third world country, where amazingly no one is homeless, but crime is relatively high (from what that is not reported). What crime is indeed reported and solved, well the criminals don't usually go out of their way to be caught again (the police have a set of justice, as the courts their own).
Above all, the people are happy. Generally. Just my thoughts...I like to think that Pakistan with her unique situation and culture has solved many problems that other 1st world country suffer from.
Hiya - I read your piece. It is short, fast and pretty much to the point. I think the protagonist is quite good. Perhaps with a little bit more tease, you may be onto something the audience will cheer for. There was no grammar faults I found.
My only concern is that there is no danger for the protagonist involved, no setup, no surprise. It's just an average day/job it seems. And if that's all there is, I can go to another read where I will find thrill/sadness or whatever else I am looking for. I'll take a star off for this reason. If you can solve this particular detail, I am more than happy to give you my full score.
In my opinion, putting characters under this sort of pressure is one way of making the audience bond with the story.
Just my thoughts - I am a layperson...I love books. Take on board what you will. All the best!
Hiya - I read your piece. It's quite good - well thought out especially the setting. The piece reminds of the blade runner movie - except perhaps your background isn't that dark, and you have included an element of the paranormal. I also feel a touch of the traditional hard boiled detective from the ages bygone ... a revival of that genre is well due on the book shelves.
So now it's time for me to let you know what didn't do it for me...
- there is a cuss word in there...I don't much fancy books of that order...and if an author is relatively unknown...it's time for me to shut the book/close the window of my browser/etc and move on to the next thing that will grab my attention. It's your call if you want to remove it. Yeah I know you want to make the story more realistic or whatever X reason...but as a reader, I am the ultimate judge of your work.
***
“Bulls***! I didn’t shoot her. I shot the guy with the fangs.”
***
- there is a theory of story telling that you always start from the second chapter. Act first, explain later. My grip here is that the opening isn't a strong hook. There is no danger, nothing really is happening at the beginning. It's basically boring. And I have the rest of the internet to hold my attention. Yeah I also know that you want the background there so to help the reader with what the amazing story that comes later...or that X reason...but please get me interested first. Might be better if you start with the fanged villain attacking the missus, keep the emotions high, get the reader inside the protagonist's concerned mind, and get him roughed up majorly for something he isn't guilty of etc...in other words kick him when he is at his lowest until he can't get up at all. And when he does get up...you have a character the audience will love to bits.
I think you will go far with writing - you are well ahead of me in the game..I've rated other pieces with "less" effort with 5 stars...but I hope that someday I will buy this at my local bookstore. Please get the other 2 stars and you could well have some royalty income from my bank account. All the best!
***
“We have a problem, Detective. My job is to keep these streets safe. That’s also Susan job. She was one of the best.”
Hiya - I have to relate to you. I've had many customer services jobs in my life. And at the moment I still have deal with members of the public as part of my job...some drunk, some annoying, some ignorant, some stupid.
And I thought I knew it all from my first job ever in customer service.
Hi - this is certainly an amusing tale. The quick and smart ending left me with a little grin that I had to explain to someone close to me.
But on a different note, there is a legend passed on to me from a road worker about a local highway that had plenty of issues during the construction phase. The equipment kept on breaking down, there were major delays of supplies. Things that got built had structural issues and had to be torn down again.
It appeared that an ancient chief once had something to do the land. And he was causing the trouble.
So a native high person appeased the chief the traditional way.
Hiya - Your story really reminded of a couple of places where I worked at. Both places, I really enjoyed the company of the co-workers. Both different places, but well, nice polite people. At the first place, I was leaving, so on the last day, as the person wasn't there to farewell me, I got a little card.
Next place, the other person was leaving, but as things turned out, I wasn't there for the last day. Again, they left me card.
To be honest, I don't give cards...but they mean a lot...when I receive them.
Hiya - thanks for that wonderful tip. As an avid reader of books in general, I always wonder what makes some books tick for me, while others just ... well I put to it something rather beyond me. I think however as a critic of your piece, writing a story incorporates a whole heap of factors, with a balance that is unique to every reader. Therefore, from your contribution, I will take something, and along with my "how to write" books, and notes, and general ideas, I can get somewhere.
Hiya - I always enjoy your poems...sometimes I muse about them for days. It also quite handy to start a conversation, and chip in a funny one liner if quite appropriate. I will agree that these days sugar is a villain. Not the first time that we received dark looks from parents when we offered "sweeties" to little cutie.
Hi - you have a nice short piece here. I have an interest in dreams and read the odd theory of why we dream about certain things like flying. And yes, I'm pretty sure that there is a big book about dream interpretation at our library, not to mention what's out there on there internet.
I have also dabbled with writing what I dreamt...unfortunately those pieces are long gone...except in my memory.
Hi - that is a nice philosophical piece. I have to confess - Zombies really get me interest me. In the walking dead, I always shuddered to think that I have "everything" and the characters in there can't trust others non-zombies and what not. To think, in the extreme, the baddies will always be baddies. A white collared suit wearing grandfatherly type conman with a degree with honors in todays "safe" times will be the shotgun carrying leader in those situation. Eeek!
Hiya - I read some of your story. It is a wide scope, with plenty of characters. There were no grammar faults, at least to my level.
Well, first of all I have to admit, I finished Stephen King and some Dean Koontz books earlier...so I guess I am pretty qualified to know what I like in the horror genre.
Is para 1. really necessary ?
Now regarding your story, I found the influx of characters a bit overwhelming. Maybe you can take away some of the characters. Leave just enough to make them both interesting and strong.
The second thing that really got me was the tone to the reader. I forgot the correct name for this, but it was mentioned some teaching aids ago at writing.com. The way the story is written, it's kind of like an all knowing patient uncle explaining something to a young 'un.
Hiya - thanks for the nice and short piece. There was no grammar faults I found, at least to my level. And yes...this for sure is a modern age story. Amazing how much times have changed.
Now regarding some criticisms. The opening isn't strong. You may wish to browse some openings in the local bookstore...something gripping always works.
The piece is very strong against the "show, don't tell" principle of story telling. Yeah I know that you wanted it this way because of that X reason, but it don't work that way.
Hi! Wow! What a build up! As short stories go, this has to be a prime example of some of the better ones out there. I really enjoyed Paul Jennings books of short stories with a twist back in the days, and I guess reading what you have here, brought back some wonderful memories. I think, I'll put you in my stalk list [just joking], if you can produce works consistently of this nature.
Hiya - I read your story. It is quite good, and I guess I can understand your concern. I have had people close to me just shut after that one piece of news that triggers something in them. My world is quite small, I chose to shut off much which doesn't concern. Thanks for sharing your story.
Hi - you have a good short piece. In real life, more often than not, when one thing goes wrong, it will lead to a chain of events, some for the better mind you. I guess being an optimist, some of the nicest gains in my life have being because something went wrong in the first place, and it was just handy for me to get that one valuable insight/bit of help from a friend, colleague or a stranger.
The only thing I picked of major was that "Smartphone" doesn't need to start with a capital "s".
Of minor is that the opening isn't strong, but because the piece is small, super small time is needed to read and ... well review this.
Hi -I read your story. I like the twist at the end, you left it open and I suppose it is a pragmatic piece, and we all intepretate as we all may wish to be.
I'm a firm believer that when you write, you only use the words you need to. Any fillers are distracting, are a waste of the readers and writers time.
Hence, if you need to expand this, I wish you luck. Short stories and book length are different in their own rights. It can be done, but rules will apply.
All the best!
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