Hiya - I read some of your story. From the portion I read, I couldn't find any grammar faults/spelling mistakes. Your sentence structure flows really well. I believe that you have great potential to tell a story - just needs some help from storytelling theory.
My main critique is that there isn't much happening in the first three paragraphs that wants to draw in the reader ie nothing interesting. When deciding to read a good book, often, and especially with new authors, you need something to really capture the attention of a reader. If this isn't present, then so quickly I [and others] can skip to the next book, or story.
You may wish to read up some of writing.com's tips of becoming a better story teller, and maybe do some research on how to write stories that grasp the attention of a reader and keep it.
All the best and look forward to more of your works in due course.
Hiya - I am impressed that you have a full book on Amazon and congratulations for this. I am an avid book reader, and hopefully I will sooner or later come across your publication. Now...for some critique...and please note that all I am is just a book reader for now, and versed mostly in the theory of book writing...but this is just my honest first impressions.
I read the first 3 paragraphs and kinda skimmed your contents at the rest of it. Why ? When I read books, I want a story to entertain me, and what you provided very early on was a background where the story would be based on, and a long background at that too. Granted, that many bestseller authors use this approach every now then, but I'm not impressed then and there when I turn the page, and it does just strike the same cord here.
Otherwise - your grammar is good, and you use imagery finer than I could ever attain to in the next year or so, and the flow of the contents is pleasing from what I went by.
All the best and hope that you review something of mine at some stage too...
I'd advise that you trawl through some of writing.com guides to writing story, and maybe rework the start of the chapter - it may help grab the attention of a book reader like me, and never know, I will end up buying your work. Take care!!
Hiya - I really liked your story. I guess the perverse part of my psych was hooked on to every word of the piece, and I was kind of disappointed when it ended. Now...I will give you a high rating, however, if this ever made it into a bestselling novel, maybe I wouldn't want to be seen reading it as it hits just too close to my own dark side. I could not find any grammar faults, and your sentences flow seamlessly with it's genre.
I guess the only thing that seemed out of phase overall was when you came with the third sideline plot of "the collective" and "brothers and sisters" - the voyeuristic journey was going well enough, and having just a homeless background of the protagonist is more efficient.
All the best...and oh yes...I docked off one star overall for the third plot, and half for having swear words in the writing - I'm just a layperson who generally does not like certain words in what I am reading.
That is a wonderful story, just a little disappointed that posting in past time hasn't been made into a mobile phone app just yet. Your piece appears quite honest, straight to the point and sincere enough to be moved by. I think everyone at one stage or another wants to send a message to their past, and in a similar vein, everyone in their teens [at least] wants to know what their future holds. All the Best!
I read some of your writing, and perhaps it is too late in the day, or something along those lines, but I found your style quite hard to get into the rhythm of. I believe you have a wonderful idea - it just needs to pushed into the traditional area of either first person perspective, or fly on the wall. Don't get me wrong, there are many books at the moment on the best sellers lists that I wouldn't touch with a barge pole, with a completely different set of audience just raving for it. All the best and thanks for posting!
Hope you win on the lottery! For me personally, I don't drink, smoke or gamble and the money I saved from those sorts kind of have added up over the years. I always took it to mean that if I buy a lottery ticket, and don't win, then my spend is the winners gain...who gets to gloat on the newspapers or TV. Oh yeah...I have "won" scratchies that I found on the road and won a set of scratchies from a charity funraiser ticket that I bought into for the good cause. My low rating is simply because I don't believe you ought to gamble - instead you can easily send that "saved" money to a good cause.
This is a wonderful letter that really builds on my own personal at work issues with people leaving, and the old anonymous hat with money to donate. It is good to know that there are other organisations, that are actually a bit worse to what I am in now.
Hey - your writing style is good. I like your use of imagery to bring the scene to live, as if I was there. You have developed the characters really well. I could not find any grammer to fault on. I think the plotline from what I read of the summary is quite good too.
Now...I will critique it from a laypersons' viewpoint as to why I wouldn't read through the rest of the story.
I did not find from what I read so far quite attention grabbing. Personally I enjoy stories from a human perspective. I believe that the quick summary of the time of "Mongke Khan" would have been better instead if you started the story as of that time with "real time" sorrow, and tragedy and so on of that moment to build the characters. Your summary also hints of Katherine Kerrs' Daggerspell series, something that is on my list to read in the future.
Please keep at your work, you have talent that will easily fit in my to read schedule as I am an avid reader of many genres. Never know, I may buy your book one day.
I'm quite lucky in the sense that I haven't had any serious crashes so far. I guess I consider myself a good driver, but sometimes fatigue and the likes have been my companion on the road, but I always told myself "just around the bend" or "wait till the next rest stop". Stories like this highlight the fact that we need to understand that the road should be treated with respect.
This is so amusing because it has happened to someone else. As a victim of someone elses' mistake more than once, I can also empathise with your "inconvience". The IRD does make mistakes, and at the same time, all it takes is for one of their employee (technically ours since we pay taxes that go to pay their wages) with a bad day to make ours even worse. 180 days for them to investigate something ? I think that is just so quick .... )-:
Hey - that's some good writing here. I like your imagery, you seem to describe the scene so aptly.
However....if I did come across this writing to pay for, I doubt I will part with my hard earned meagre money for the e-book.
What I didn't like was the lack of things happening that would arouse my curiousity further. From the first three paragraphs, you seem to describe a poetic scene where my attention struggled to stay. I would advise that you start with the character being worried as she reads the document. You can lead up to the suspense by not revealing what it she has found.
Anyway, I am a layman, but avid reader, and hope my idea helps. You may wish to read up on some "how to write..." books/articles out there.
Hey - I always have an interest in this particular part of history as a small time investor. Like many, I too have been affected by the crisis. I like the fact that you put your own analysis at the end of the article, and this kind of reads the same as the many documentaries and other articles I have read or seen or heard throughout the mediums.
All the best
PS - Check your spelling of "countries" in the following line.
Counties with large trade surplus with the US, such as China, preferred safe investments.
I am so glad I came across this nice piece. In my own experiences (I am a male), there is plenty of opportunity out there. It's just that sometimes we need a helping hand, a bit of opportunity and the proverbial lucky break, just to land in the right place. Fortunately, with the internet, I can easily find the next job, but then again, in life I found that there are many people who just don't have the resources at their disposal as I have.
This is a story that may give me nightmares for a while. I am so glad that you made it out a dream and it had a "happy" ending. I couldn't find any obvious errors, and like the fact that every word you have there is for a reason - nothing more or less. All the best and look forward to more works (nicer works hopefully) from you.
I liked your story - it relates well to some of my personal academic experiences back in the day. After graduating university, there was a big fuss on the media regarding the "regurgitation" type of teaching we received. I actually excelled in this behavior. Some time later, at my first job, one of my supervisors explained to me that we were taught to "think" critically. I knew what he wanted to hear - so I simply agreed with him. Few things change.
This is a nice story about who you are and sometime just why you need to help others. It has a feel good mood thoughout the story. I could not find anything to improve on and will definately scour out more of your works. This just shows that you sometimes deliberately tend to miss sometimes small, but important things that make up your life.
Your story is done really well, and I like your suspense throughout the entire content. The ending is quite good too, making me feel exactly what the lead character is going through. I found no grammer errors as I was reading through it, and look forward to more of your works.
This is a nice snapshot of another time, and another place, another persons' life when things were so different. I like your imagery and the memories of those "little" girls. In my time we also had some kids who were isolated and led to the mystery of their lives at my level, and their sometimes perfect imagery beings.
I think this is a nice tight poem that carries a sharp message still valid in todays world. Personally, I think it relates rather well to me. I set out many goals in my earlier years, some just not relevant to my life and I think just why did I choose to put that on my list. Others, I have completed or tried to finish, and do not regret the slightest instance of my sucess/failure. Perhaps life is slightly about what your poem contains.
Hiya - I like your writing. From an editorial point of view, I found no errors.
The reason that I clicked on it was to help me to survive another eight months away from home and I think your piece helps me somewhat to find that elusive goal I have so many years in the future.
I found your article quite informative as I am an investor somewhat. Anything that helps me in my decisions is of value. Unfortunately, due to a lack of serious analytical time, my strategy is simply to buy and hold good companies for the long term.
I can understand that gold is a finite resource, and therefore it's price will definately move upwards as supply dwindles. Regarding crude oil, there is a trend towards renewable [green] energy which will influence it's price
I found this line quite confusing:
God have woven the web and got himself spun by the threads
- It's a powerful line, but in this instance it doesn't seem to flow as effectively with further editing.
The reason I gave you 3 stars is that I feel you can eleborate further on this interesting topic, and introduce many other influencing factors.
Your writing is so nice. And it gives a nice snapshot of some where that is so far to my own slice of reality. I definately have learnt plenty from your writing, as in how to make a thought provoking personal story that will linger on your mind for plenty of time yet to come. All the best.
This is a good article. I was also brought up working for my parents, but unfortunately the discipline required in our business just to make a profit unfortunately caused some hardships with the family. And as of yet, some of the tensions of that decade past still remains.
I'm glad that you are enjoying the business and all the best.
Sometime ago I saw a similar program on TV about jobs in America. It also emphasised the many jobs advertisements in America that went unanswered.
I too have switched my job temporarily to another city [I live in New Zealand] where there are so much jobs compared to my "home" city where 400 applicants apply for each advertised position in average. There really is plenty everywhere, if only the majority of people decided to look outside their "dream" job...in this case it seems sitting in front of the computer and complaining to their colleages.
Hey this is quite amazing. I see shopping trolley boys often at my local mall, and have deduced that you don't need a high IQ to manually push [25???] trolley (sorry for my own low IQ) but you need to be smarter and more risk conservative than the average moron who drives a car to have the use of the electric trolley car.
Sometime ago I got injured at my job and hoped to get some compensation, but alas the X-ray showed no broken bones. And I am still stuck with my job.
But back to your story I think especially the first three paragraphs are just too descriptively long. Maybe you can somehow cut some of detail to get to the juicy bit a bit quicker.
All the best - I enjoyed your read.
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