Hiya - as a veteran of more Christmases that I would rather admit, I would have argued once that this was the silly period of the year. But there comes a period in your lifetime where when you sit and watch a little 'un tear off the packaging of over 90 percent of pressies under the poor pine tree, and you feel that it was worth. Of course the tantrum that follows an hour later makes you question this. But yeah...this year again...
Hiya - I read your poem and think that this quite neat. This is a phase of life I can certainly relate to, when all I had was fantastic dreams, and an odd fantasy or three for hope. Fortunately there is hope, as things get easier, or tougher, as you make your own choices and choose to accept your own little part of the world that you make.
Hiya - I read your story. You have packed plenty of suspense and tension for a short piece of writing. And yes, I would enjoy reading more of your story...this really is an original plotline as far as I am aware, and I am just someone who enjoys books a whole heap.
Only changes I'd make, if you intend to expand on this work is to keep a single theme to each chapter. For example, you may wish to keep the Decider/Janet lives/dies theme to one chapter, and then making friends bit to another chapter.
All the best, and this piece really does tick all my good boxes!
Hiya - this is a great poem that really reflects the sad reality of elements that should stay in books. As a low worker in several jobs where the boss was the big fish...or at least he wanted to think that way, I kind of realise that there are better options out there. All you have to do is walk off...but the uncertainty of what will happen then...as opposed to the paycheck next week make you want to think twice. All the best!
Hiya - I love steam punk. This "new" genre coupled with fantasy pictures will one day line my bookshelves hopefully, or at least I will have a collection of them in e-books. You have a rather experimental style, and from I read, I did not spot any grammar faults. Your use of imagery is really good, and I believe you have created a colourful character. With some editing, I sincerely hope you will have this story in print and I think you have something quite good here.
My critics though...
- your opening isn't a good strong hook. There is no conflict, no character to get attached too and feel you want to go on a journey with them.
- the captain log approach works, as I have come across this type in I think "artemis fowl" series, but may be you need to make the logs bigger.
I'd advise you to go through this site's tips on writing stories, or maybe read a book on "writing books". You already have the majority of skills needed for a successful writer - you just need a little bit of research to help get to the next level. I believe you have a really good story to tell, and more to follow, you just need the theory for it.
All the best, and look forward to more of your works!
Hiya - you have a good story here. I can relate with this to some extend, as I have seen many a friends/family loose it when someone close to them moves on. The best thing in my opinion would be to move on, but this is harder than it seems. What you have left is a shell of a person, who does no one no favours...least of all themselves..
Hiya - that is a nice poem, one that really brushes against the subject of the fairer sex in a nice polite way. But then, at times from my memories, the far off ravishing hero [who could also rescue] of the lady of the castle also makes some calls that does exactly suit her liking.
Hiya - This is great writing. It captures a special moment that you will treasure, and I am ever so glad that you chose to share this tidbit with so many others. I think that there are many such moments in everyones lives, that only get shared when we are together, but then it's not everyday that the same people are together, so the mood gets changed, and the stories change that much ever so slightly.
Hiya - I don't think this is the first one of your works I have reviewed, but reading your work really reminds me of my own creative inner self. As I went through your lines, I could not help but get distracted by own day dreams, about the ideas I have in my head that are just bursting to get to form that some one else enjoys (well in my fantasy anyways). And the biggest warm fuzzy that your piece brought is that
I AM NOT ALONE!!!!!!!!
(capitals intended, and yes I would shout that out but my companions would not appreciate it).
Hiya - I read the start. I think you have a great talent for imagery, and this comes across in the vivid atmosphere you have created, almost to draw the reader into the hustle and bustle of the moment. As least as far as I did read, there was not grammar faults, and note that I am an intermediate. Your style really reminds me of the "old" style authors use, that really does wonders for exercising the mind in the poetic sense.
The thing I did pick up though...pretty much as far as I did manage to read, you concentrated on building the environment, the richness of what is around us...stories are about people, and how they deal with conflict. In my opinion, the opening needs to be adjusted, so as to hook a reader. When there is hundreds of reads out there at the touch of the internet age, what have you got that keeps my attention..sure something does happen "later" on in your story, but am I going to give attention to reach this wonderful bit ?
Hiya - you have a nice philosophical poem here. I've always wondered myself if the lessons that I learnt at school, apart the from the obvious maths and grammars should have more to it, like the people skills I developed...or copied from others.. that still work these days. All the best and thanks for compacting it all in so few words!
Hiya - you have a nice thrilling story here, one that no doubt keep me at the edge of my seat down to the last line, and I almost cheered when the mouse was finally free. I also like the fact that you put some extra effort in your presentation with large easy to read font. My criticism is that while this story really appeals to me, my pragmatic self kinda says that you meant this story for the younger 'uns ... and that it won't interest them. Otherwise well done, and for the exciting ride, I give you full stars!
Hiya - reading your piece kind of reminds of conversations I had earlier with a wheel chair bound person with a real low self esteem. I would have helped if I could in that case, but the wide world and it's fabulous adventures beckoned, so that person is still in my thoughts even now.
Regarding your piece, you have a strong opening or hook, and reading it, I just can't help being pragmatic.
The only things that got me was the spelling of "though [thou]" & "you [u]".. sure this is a poignant piece that will last a while, but if something does leap off, then maybe it should be fixed. All the best!
Hiya - I read some of your story. It's quite good how you build up the background of the story in a nice interesting manner. My interest was certainly aroused by the mention of the military shenigans in the second paragraph.
Hiya - I read your story. It's kind of emotional at the end, I guess in my pragmatic view point, and the twist at the end is also unexpected. Overall it is a wonderful piece, you have covered your bases with having the story in diary format, so as to allow for the spelling and grammars to come across a lot more plausible. I was spell bound in the story from first to last word, and the lure of the mysterious box kept me hooked. All the best and look forward to more of your stories!
Hiya - you have an amazing story here. It really captured my attention to start to finish, with a nice cliff-hanger at the end. I like the fact that you keep the storyline simple, and introduce fully developed characters just in time to keep the story from dragging. Look forward to more of this story! All the best!
Hiya - I read some of your piece. I think it is a good piece, although perhaps a bit over my head. I think from reading what I did, all I did was recollect was that you mentioned something about a girl in the cafeteria and then a bit of pragmatic rambling. However, I spotted no grammar faults...all the best!
Hiya - I like your story. It has a nice touch of good old fashioned family warmth, and for some reason while reading the piece, I found myself drifting to my own memories when I was young and into climbing trees. Overall, you have a feel factor in the story, and to be honest, I just went along with the nice vibe of it all, instead of trying to fanatically draw my changes to your story. So....sorry about character development critic bit you was interested in, I rather think that you have reached the next level of writing.
PS - I wish you'd hurry up and put up the next instalment of the story...I just gotts to know about the fate of the boy.
PPS - the half star I take off because in the very first paragraph, you have the word "tear" twice, both in different context, but it does spoil the aesthetic of the first paragraph.
Hiya - I read all of your piece. I am a historical buff, and when you hinted about the first computer, I was hooked. Sadly, what really let me down was the format of your piece...kind of like a long advertisement for spam email...but no matter, with the snatches of pragmatic information from your piece, I can always check up the internet for the "first" computer and yeah..."babage". So there...here is my review...
Hiya - wow! You sure have a creepy story here, one which I hope my mirror doesn't do the funnies on me in the morning. I think that the story is original, and really like that you have answered all questions here about the entity we are dealing. All the best! (and dreading, but impatiently waiting for your next story)
They won't know what's going on until the hit the ground
- change it to "until THEY hit the ground"
Hiya - I read some of the extract. I think it is really good, and given more time, I certainly would have been engrossed to read every last line of the story. You have amazing talent, and this will certainly get high marks. It is also kind of macabre reading that is a very good hook. There is also a rich background to the story, and from what I cottoned, multiple storylines.
The things I managed to pick up was ....
*
The first paragraph has "town" twice.... town crier & townspeople.
*
I think it's not appropriate to put the name of the story setting in the first paragraph.
*
There is a big time gap between the first and second paragraph..
Hiya - you have a fine piece. I like the complex nature of the storyline, and it kinds of touches onto the steampunk atmosphere of technology. You have a cold and methodological character as your subject, and it is kind of fascinating to read about him and discover his habits and nature as the story progresses.
....but...what my impressions and criticisms are...
- there isn't much conflict happening in the story..
- there is a tad too much documentary style going on in the story...
- there is no paragraph spacings here...it's a bit hard on the eyes and the mind reading the story, so this lack makes it a distraction overall.
- finally...there is just a few hard words here...like "perspicacious"...sure I am impressed that you know such big words..but it makes me reach for my dictionary..and if you have a story that makes me use the dictionary more...maybe I will drop your story and read the dictionary instead.
All the best!
PS - Please take my points as what you want to take on board...I love reading books...and that's just about all me qualifications...
Hiya - I read some of the story. I think it's quite amazing that you have managed such a rich tapestry for the back ground of the story, and you have the outline all mapped out. It will be neat reading and finding a little about each character as they come into the plotline.
....But just my impressions of an avid bookreader and then a general labourer by trade...
I did not find the opening a good hook for the rest of the story. For sure I know that something interesting does happen later...but in a bookstore, if I have a hundred other books to choose among yours...do you think I would read the first few paragraphs of your book and then choose another book ?
There is a bit of information overload...you have a series of names and my small mind is working overtime to put these into context all the while trying to figure out what your story is going to do.
There is some blatant spelling mistakes...sure as the first person narrative, you have liberty to put the words down across as you come fit, but in this case it's just another distraction I have to fight through.
There are different fonts as I scroll down...a tip for good writing is the print must be of aesthetic quality too...
Just my impressions...don't take to heart none if it don't help...at the end of the day it's the readers attention y'all aspire to git...you may have a hundy others who jest adore your work.
Hiya - I think you have a wonderful piece. When I began reading it, it was kind of a mystery where I had to solve something. And then at the end your story kind of turn sinister and I wondered where I had landed. Finally the ending, the impact is so powerful. All the best and look forward to more works from you...even if they are kind of dated.
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