Hiya - I read your poem in it's entire. I think maybe it's a bit beyond me, but overall, I like the theme as per my pragmatic self. It kind of reminds of the favourite saying back when I was reading the latest of Lee Child - "War is not about dying for your country - it's about making the enemy die for his". All the best!
Hiya - I read your story in it's entire. I think it's quite good, and I was kind of flowing smoothly with the words, seeing how the story plays out. There were no grammar faults I could pick on, and you use imagery really well.
I think though, from first impressions you are onto a winner.
But there were a few places I kind of got lost...
for example..
The full moon slowly became obscured by a total and ominous shadow. Within moments, it had waned into a converted series of phases. Gibbous to crescent and then to no moon at all.
- I don't quite get this.. sorry for that but I have read plenty of books, and some of them really are down to my layman's understanding, if I come across a book that is too hard, I don't read it. What I'm trying to get across here is, that you may wish to use simple language that us simple folks understand.
Back again to simplicity, I didn't find the opening paragraph strong, when you use big words like "permanence" and I am loathe to use dictionaries in what I read, I simply close the book...
"Private Sanders? FBI, you are being detained for treason. Come with us, sir," said a foreign voice.
- you may wish to elaborate on this one - it creates questions and leaves this too open. For example, what does the foreign voice mean ? Is the voice calm/ with authority/bored/bully etc ? Make things easier for us readers okay ? Make things to hard, and the reader goes away...
But otherwise, I found it a fine effort. Look forward to more of your works!
PS - I took off the two stars because of the big words, and for the bits that I didn't quite understand...
Hiya - I read some of your writing. I think you have done a wonderful job going as far as you have. This shows discipline and ofcourse your use of imagery is really good too.
You made the font bigger - this is so much easier on the eyes so you get a bonus star for this...
But just a few observations from me...
The first paragraph isn't strong...ideally you need something that will capture the readers interest and hold it for the rest of the story. All I get is a sad person...
In the first paragraph you packed that bit about the soul...sure it's poetic...but at the end of the day stories are about people, and how they deal with conflict. The more extreme, the betterer the read. For sure you want the reader to know the background of the situation, but that is so much more clever if you build on the characters, and then drip feed the information in the following chapters, as the reader gets attached to the hero...
I'd advise you to go through this site's tips on writing stories, or maybe read a book on "writing books". You already have the majority of skills needed for a successful writer - you just need a little bit of research to help get to the next level. I believe you have a really good story to tell, and more to follow, you just need the theory for it.
All the best, and look forward to more of your works!
Maybe if you went through some "best seller" teenage reads, you can
Hiya - I had to read your except twice. I think it's quite awesome your style of writing. It kind of reminds me of the Game of Thrones style - a series I have yet to pick up and read, however in this forum, I have come across at least one author who purports to that style.
I felt a haunted feeling as I was reading the piece, as if a quest was imminent, and a love interest looming out there's somewhere.
However...not being a chemist...I don't know what "iridium" is so I can't quite imagine what colour the scenario is. And then again "Meddeous" is a mystery...I could wait for your work to be published to find out more...or forget about your work and start reading my book which is more appealing.
Overall, I know something has happened, or is about to happen, but the short work you presented has left me with some frustrating questions, and when I read, I prefer not be frustrated...so that's when I close the book and read something else.
Umm check the spelling of "stiched" to "stitched" ...
Hiya - that is a good story. It brings up some happy memories for me, and some cold lessons in my life that things weren't always going to be rosy for me in my life later one. I guess the best thing about going to primary or kindergarten is that you learn fairly early on is that your actions have consequences, and then there are things beyond your, or your friends/family control that are out to get you.
But other wise all the best!
PS - I took a star off the story because I feel that you should include a personal anecdote or two in the piece.
Hiya - I read some of your story. I wish there was more hours in the day so I could read it all, and comment how wonderful your story is . . . (honestly, and you do have talent that is beyond mine)
However . . . my one true love wants me to watch TV news with her now so ....
Hiya - I read your story. I think it's really great - well in a dark and fascinating way. It reminds me of a documentary I saw recently in the Crime Programmes channel. I always wondered if I should foray into it to write a story along those lines, but I guess you beat me to it!
Overall I could not spot any grammar faults, and you use imagery really well, and yes I read some bits twice just to satisfy my own curiousity.
I took one star off because the story kind of switches between viewpoints or scenery quite suddenly, and then for a few moments I get confused . . . about the last time you did this, I got a bit annoyed . . . lol.
Anyways, look forward to more of your works (hope you don't include some of my futures there too)
Wow - this is so wonderful and emotional. I have been to one "White Elephant" at a work do once where the rule was that you had to keep your spending to a small certain limit. So I got a nice "expensive" tie from the local charity shop, which I hope the gentleman used at some stage. Whereas I got something that was a bit beyond my reach . . . I hope also from a charity shop.
What a wonderful story - you built the atmosphere really well. I just had to read the story twice, just in case I missed something. There is some emotion packed into the story, but my pragmatic self took it as it comes. All the best and look forward to more of your works.
Hiya - I read your story. It has a very nice setup, and I got quite emotional reading it. The length was just right for me to make complete evaluation of your need. In my opinion, I think you have something that is worth publishing. Apart from that, you deserve my full stars. All the best!
Hiya - I read some of your story. It is done rather well, with no grammar faults, and the overall aesthetic quality of the line flow is pleasing to the eye.
...but just my critiques . . . . assuming I was in a bookstore, and with hundreds of books at my fingertips, if I was to chose one . . . why it would not be yours . . .
-The writing is a bit too small as you put it onto the screen here. I had to squint to read it. Pretty much from the start you need to get certain fings rite.
- The sense of thrill is not there, nothing is happening that makes me worried for the protagonist so far. Yeah I know something will happen later which will make things extremely intense, but will I even reach that stage ? There's other books out there where things start on the first page and keep me hooked.
- The characters Mary, Thomas and Istov just crash land into the party. I don't know their personalities, I just can't handle the information overload at this point. Yeah they have to get in the story, but it's better to bring them gently. They are completely different characters, but you can add elements of the titillating love chemistry between Mary and Thomas to hook the reader into the story a bit more, and then do a clever setup and Istov enters the stage, but give him hints as to the fate/surprise hero/villain etc he's about to become.
But otherwise a fine effort! Look forward to more of your works in due course!
Hiya - I read some of your story. I think you have a wonderful plotline, and the characters are strong and credible. You use historical figures that act in a plausible manner. Above all, I think that revealing the card of the protagonist (her power as having the gift of future telling) early on makes the story that much more intense and absorbing.
My only criticism was the fast pace of the story.
For example:
At the entrance to the grand chamber, she had to request an audience with the King. It was granted.
-I'd suggest having an incident or two that kinda makes it harder for the heroine to make it to the king, and then getting access to the old boy as a setup would make it really awesome.
Francesco comes into play just too quickly. I presume he plays a pivotal role, but the again the quick pace makes me wonder if there are children involved at the end of the story. EDIT - I just scrolled up and there's none mentioned.
But otherwise well done! I could not spot any grammar faults here. Look forward to more of your writings in due course!
Hiya - I read some of your story. I think it's a fine effort, and you have the discipline to making writing a career if you continue to keep writing and getting feedback from it. My major issue was that you write in an odd format, that is when reading, the flow doesn't seem right.
For example:
“Hey, Lieutenant! Better look at this. I think we may have something,” Yelled a stout uniformed officer.
-try
“Hey, Lieutenant! Better look at this. I think we may have something,” the stout officer excitedly yelled from the small bedroom.
Holding up the notebook, he stepped out of a small, front bedroom into the living room of an older house at 1921 S. 18th Street.
-try
He barged into the living room waving an old notebook in the air.
When writing, it's quite important to leave details out, so you leave some imagination to the reader. All the same, you need to know what details to leave in. It is a fine balance, something which comes with practice.
And what I really wanted to emphasis was that you shouldn't start a sentence like this:
Walking to the uniformed officer, a tall man with salt and pepper hair, more salt than pepper, wearing a rumpled brown suit admonished
-ie starting with something like "Walking" . . . instead start like ---> He rapidly strode in his long steps . . ..
I read your story, I think it is great, and pretty much straight to the point. You have nice was of using imagery, and the being in one person's perspective makes it all that much more grand. I read the story twice, I think perhaps I reacted to the story in a pragmatic, but then again, that's what a story is about in my opinion.
Hiya - this is a wonderful piece, and complete. It leaves no stones unturned, and has a wonderful twist in it. In my opinion you deserve full marks. I hope to get to your level one day, as I was captured in the story from the first paragraph. All the best and look forward to more works from you!
Hiya - I read your story entirely. I was mesmorised from the first to last words. I think you have some really awesome, my only criticism is that it ended far too soon. In my opinion you have every single good box ticked. All the best and please can you add more to this wonderful piece!
Hiya - from what I read of your overall plotline, I think you are onto a great start, as you can never go wrong with a hero with some mysterious power that pretty much immediately puts the reader with the protagonist. However, I think you need to present this in the context of a real read . . . this way I can pick up on your style and things to improve on straightaway. But other wise, all the best!
Hiya - I read some of your piece and it reminds me of "The diary of Adrian Mole" something that I was fascinated with when the book was a big wonder back in the days. Regarding your story, I think you have plenty of potential here, but I was kind of put off with the rather poor opening (ie not very interesting) and the dates of the journal entries which led me to distraction. But otherwise good effort!
Hiya - I like your poem, despite that I don't normally dwelve into this genre. I haven't read the Gatsby book or seen the recent film, but it is in my list of things to do, since I have heard so many wonderful things (and controversial) things about the book and it's plot (or lack of). All the best!
Hiya - I read your piece. It is dramatic, action packed, and emotional. I think, with a bit of editing, and mayhaps training on your part, you will have a career as a writer.
All I picked up for improvement was the basic grammar faults. I'll list a few for example, if you want to continue to improve....
Getting into a taxi was like going to a gym. It was hot, smokey,and dirty.
- Gyms are really nice...cool, with fabulous people, clean, and not smokey. Maybe you need to pick a better comparison for the inside of a taxi . . . like the stale cigarette smell of passengers past in the cheap cab . . .
You can break down the second paragraph further in new sentences for speech - it's so much easier for the reader.
Oh i'm sorry but keep your head up Miss
-change "i'm" to "I'm"
"Novant Hospital"
-Full stop goes in the inside like "Novant Hospital."
The sign Novan Hospital made me scared and upset.
-It's Novant Hospital.
************
Just a few pointers from my side. When I write, I sometimes copy a section from a book, and just use the syntax from that.
All the best, please keeping writing as you have talent, that needs to polished before you can start on that great story! Look forward to more of your works!
Hiya - I read some of your work. I think you are onto a great start as there was no grammar faults, at least to my intermediate level, I picked up on, and your use of imagery is really good, as it places the reader right in the middle of the action.
But...what put me off was...I couldn't find anything interesting here. I think you need to have something strong to hold the readers interest in the first paragraph. Otherwise, a fine effort!
Hiya - I read some of your story. I could not find any grammar faults and I think your imagery skills are really good. From what I did manage to read, I think you have good flow too.
But what I think you can work on is basically to make the paragraphs a bit shorter, and more in line with the theme of the story. The first paragraph, and the start of the next one was kind of confusing, as it never gave direction to what the story was about. Remember, the story is about people, and how they deal with the situation. In your case, it was a bit a off my preferred genre (I need your gift points) but I think if you started it off kind of window shopping, and the moving to just before saucy, you would have a better chance of grabbing my attention, and holding it.
Hiya - Thank you for sharing that story. At many times, I too have been out of work, and wondered what I could do to earn a few extra coins. Many of the advertisements are for sales roles where you have to find your own clients, and sell them outrageous things for outrageous prices, and get paid in commission. And the hook is the beautiful models who have made it big with their expensive cars/houses/vacations after only 2 years of "hard work".
Hiya - I read your piece, and think...it's ok. I could not find any grammar faults, and the sentences flow seamlessly, with a simple theme for my pragmatic self. It kind of reminds me of a guy at work, who isn't afraid to let other know of his feelings or the ailments he suffers from. But otherwise a fine effort - I'd rate you more than 4.5 stars...just that it hasn't got that "I don't know what" edge to it! All the best!
Hiya - I read your story. I believe that you have plenty of potential to become a professional writer one day. You have a good plotline, and the pace of the story is awesome, kind of like that of the Artemis Fowl series, as you add intense and urgent actions into it. You have the imagery part of story writing bang on - that is perhaps one of the harder parts of writing.
Just a few things I picked though...
“I don’t like this place.” Said Kora staring through the screen of the Meeding Sparrow RS556, into an asteroid field.
Try
"I don't like this place." Kora stared at the screen, her heart beating at her throat, as the wing of the spacecraft clipped an asteroid among millions of others in the belt.
What I mean is, "Show, don't tell". This is quite powerful, and with your imagery skills, you are well on the way here. So...look up "show don't tell" on google and get on the bandwagon.
She hated Trym, and hated being his partner.
- again, this is telling. So find a way in the dialogue or actions to let us this. You can gain a couple of paragraphs out this, and the readers loyalty.
“LOOK a spaceship!” Squeaked Trym. “Told you we’d get some action if we went off course.”
-Look up instances of this in the one of the millions of books out there, and get in the habit of getting the dialogue fixed when writing.
..Now I understand that this is a short story, but please write it out in the context of an extract of a novel. This way you gain more, and kind of gets the reviewer in the groove too. BUT no prologues! These come dime a dozen here, mean crap, and you often don't see those authors here again...ever!
All the best and look forward to more of your works, and in due course some published materials.
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