Greetings darinzane , Welcome To Writing.com! I was pleased to read "Over The Garni" from your portfolio and delighted to give it a review.
FIRST INSPIRATION
“Avis explained, ‘I figured she might have the wrong office but I knew you would eat a free lunch even by mistake.’”
I could list a dozen things I love about classic detective stories, but they would all be summed up in Miss Avis’ quip to her boss. “I knew you would eat…” Its pithy, witty, coarse, rude, suspicious, sardonic and yet miraculously loving; in the sense that humanity perpetuates life no matter how harsh the realities of this world.
Every line of dialogue in your story, with few exceptions, flashes with the specter of decay in the face of convention, pricks at the disease of propriety, and rips away at the veil of darkness lurking at the edges of polite society. Arly and his “date”, Dalton and Avis, the mysterious Hudlow, the nasty Frank Garret and of course the protagonist, are stereotypically implanted into this fast paced story doing their parts with precision and passion.
INSPIRED
The plot of your story is spot on. The motives of all the principle characters are shaded ever so slightly so the reader may not guess the outcome of the story. The final scene between Garret and Dalton is of course essentially right on course, but there are enough diversions to keep the reader from drawing conclusions about the ending of the story too soon.
I enjoyed the fact the story went on after the climax to have the detective engage with Dalton’s daughter. Your writing suits my tastes so well that I wasn’t ready for the story to end. Rita’s challenge to the detective’s fore sight was a perfect epilogue to the tale.
FAVORITE MOMENT
I enjoyed how Avis interacted with the detective, especially in the crossword puzzle scenes. It was less than an overt way of cluing the reader into the deeper feelings the two had for each other as well as their rather grim profession. Definitely some good invention in those scenes.
SUGGESTIONS
My only suggestion would be to continue the early promise of fully stimulated senses throughout your story. The first paragraphs of the story and several paragraphs of the “hotel” scene, incorporate language to draw my hearing, smell, taste, touch etc. into the story. Back at the office though, besides the bad coffee and the banter for our ears, the sight, sound and tactile experiences are diminished. Colors, fragrance, hearing, could be employed to describe how unprostitutish Dalton’s appearance had become, and a picnic basket offers some diversion that could stimulate my taste bud and olfactory sensors.
The interaction between the detective and Avis after Dalton left also offers an opportunity to interject some other sensory stimuli – maybe Avis has taken some time to put on a unique sweater, or has a comment about something uniquely different about her boss – sauce on his chin or the fragrance Dalton was wearing that lingers.
While these elements may slow the story down, I think they would offer a good juxtaposition for the editorial, thoughts and conversations that are the current diversion. All the elements of the story are fast paced, so I think a little more diversion would only heighten the suspense.
MORE INSPIRATION
The characters in your story make it a great read. The quality of the story’s narration, plot, and dialogue hearken back to an age when detective stories were exciting and a joy to read. Despite the heavy subject and darker side of all the elements of the story, you were able to keep the interactions engaging and light. Well Done!
♫~ Kenword~♫
"June Light Inspired"
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