Good story. Good lessons. I did wonder if it might be better if the whole story was told in the past tense instead of starting and ending in the present, with the past in the middle. I might experiment with that if it were my story.
Stories like these are important to tell. I know someone sitting in prison right now, not able to drink like he'd probably like to do. He hasn't killed anyone yet. He's just been caught drinking and driving over ten times in twenty years.
You've stated your case well. The only suggestion I would offer would be to go back and insert a few commas.
Here's a place where I think a comma is required:
A prime example of modern religious censorship is the popular banning of the Harry Potter books, sometimes even on a household level.
Comment: About that, "even on a household level"... I believe it is a parent's duty to censure books for his/her child. Sometimes that censureship will be because of beliefs. Sometimes it will be because of language or violence.
One wouldn’t refuse to eat a cake because of the box it comes in.
Comment: I certainly would! If a cake box had pictures or words that I found offensive, I would certainly not buy it.
I would also change this sentence: But when American’s, as stewards for the next generation refuse to prepare the next in line then they are given leave to repeat our frailty's and our fault's.
To: But when Americans, as stewards for the next generation, refuse to prepare the next in line, then those next in line are given leave to repeat our fralities and our faults.
Bless your heart. This is a wonderful picture of the dad that was and the one that is, with hints of the one to come. I'm not surprised that you've already received an award.
One thing I might change:
The man that used to walk stony creek beds with me and run under my swing that he pushed so high labored to get in his car.
Perhaps:
The man who walked stony creek beds with me and ran under my swing that he pushed so high now labored to get in his car.
Hmmm. I wondered how a kid's story would include a girl meeting a bear in the woods. I'm glad that Mary just had a good imagination.
I did wonder about the timing in this. When Mary started out it was bright and sunny. When she was done with her "adventure" it sounded as if the sun was ready to retire. Not enough adventures were included to take up an entire day.
Good poem. Good rhymes and rhythm. And I love that you wrote this for /John. He is quite inspirational, isn't he? (By the way, I think you misspelled his handle in your description.)
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"The act of writing is an act of optimism. You would not take the trouble to do it if you felt that it didn't matter." Edward Albee
Bless your heart. In the midst of being in an emotionally charged situation, you were able to see beauty and to hold onto that as you really grew up. Thanks for the reminder...that life is not always kind, but that even so we can find good in our experiences.
I wonder about the use of "one" thoughout. Sometimes it makes more sense if we use "you" instead. I might try that if I were you.
Also, where you're used "one" in most of this, you also threw in this:
In many ways daily, One is indirectly obligated to comply,
On how we dress, on how we drive, on how we fly.
In keeping with the "one" theme, these should have been, "how one dresses, how one drives, or how one flies."
A very wise gentleman - one who makes a good living with his poetry - told me that every poem should be read aloud. That allows us to hear where the rhymes and rhythms are just not right.
What a fine bunch of bloggers. I've tried visiting everyone, but then I find links to ever more blogs listed on everyone's page, and before long I've been reading blogs for hours.
Like the saying, "Don't just read the blog. Feed the blog."
Good article, but at the beginning it mentions home schooling and unschooling as if they are one and the same. I don't believe that's the case. Most home schoolers I know (and I did home school my son for 8 years and attend all the local conventions) use a more structured approach than unschoolers. They're just not as structured as public or private schools, and they have learned that education takes place in every circumstance, even in grocery shopping.
The taking of tests is sometimes not something that can be ignored either. In two states where we lived, it was a requirement for home schoolers to be able to show, through testing, that the students had progressed from the previous year. In one of those states, formal testing was required and we chose achievement tests for that.
I do think your article hit upon one of the big differences between home schooling, unscholing and public schools. Rather than just teaching facts, parents involved in home schooling or unschooling help their children become lovers of learning.
Bud, this is great. There definitely IS a difference between offering a review and a critique. One only has to look at any newspaper that prints book reviews to see that they don't usually get into specifics like a real critique would do.
I loved some of those early observations you've included.
Hi, TimM. Welcome to Writing.com. We're glad you're here.
You did a great job of giving us a heads up about your life, and what you want from writing and from WDC. Not everyone is so thorough about that. (Perhaps that's your technical side showing through.)
Hmmm. Well it's cute and as I sang it the words fit. But I lived in Florida for about 7 years (first on the Gulf coast, then in Central FL) and we surely grew pine trees in the sand. So that part doesn't quite fit.
These are great words of wisdom. Sadly, we don't all realize that everything we do, every way we interact and react with people will have some affect on their lives - good or bad.
I loved these words:
Everything we do, as one individual in this magnificent world, affects all of the other beautiful individuals in this world. We may not see each thread that weaves through our actions that lead to another’s actions, but they are there, all the same. There is no escaping it.
That was fun. Thanks for the opportunity to contribute to this poetic campfire. Thank goodness the animal in my wall decided to make himself known at just the right moment.
I've really enjoyed reading all of these. Of course, I'll be back to read more.
Awww. I love animal stories. And cats have such wonderul (and strange) personalities.
I like how Casper has allowed you to take care of him. How nice of him, huh?
I was a bit confused as I read and re-read the last paragraph. You've mentioned that you love, him and give food and shelter in two sentences in that paragraph. Hmmm.
Leaving the interpretations up to the reader is a good idea for this one. I can see quite a few ways to take this.
It's a good story and with a good lesson. (Or a few good lessons, depending on which interpretation...)
It also needs just a bit of cleaning up. A few typos and misspellings. Nothing too serious. Just some things probably left not fixed in haste. (Like "dide" instead of "died" in the last sentence.)
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
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