You've had quite a few responses to this one in almost 3 years. It's sad that this happens, but I think we're all guilty of it.
Perhaps we hit the escape button because we've been burned by trying to offer constructive criticism and advice. I know that's the case for me. Sometimes people who need help the most are the ones who get angry when it is offered.
You've described so well what happens to writers and poets. I love how the arrangement on the page goes along with your words.
I might have chosen a different color to display this poem, just because it might be easier on the eyes. Perhaps, in this case, using bold would help the color choice.
Great question. It's always fun to find out where fellow writers choose to write. I really did start out writing in our backyard cherry tree. That's probably why I prefer writing outside. But in the US north in the winter, that's not exactly practical.
Amen. I'm with you. There were many heroic people that day, many about whom we'll never know and many who would not even think that they were heroes.
Just one sentence I might change:
However, it could not have got much worse in my eyes.
To:
However, it could not have gotten much worse in my eyes.
Or:
However, it could not have been much worse in my eyes.
Thanks for sharing. Is there some estimation somewhere about how many individuals were able to look out their windows and experience this? Just wondered. It was bad enough on TV. I cannot imagine seeing it take place outside the window.
It's interesting to see the differences in hospitals in Canada and the US. I doubt you would have been admitted in the US for 5 days. Well...maybe...if you were on Medicaid.
Some suggestions:
There are a number of sentences where you have two thoughts or sentences strung together with just a comma. Those should either be made two sentences or a semi-colon should be used.
Also:
It must say it baffled me how university educated dieticians could come up with such uninteresting and insipid menu at mealtime.
Welcome to Writing.com. This is okay as an opinion piece. I would suggest that if you have any links or references to prove your statistics, that you provide them at the end of your writing.
Your bio doesn't say where you live. I know that I was never "owned" by my father. Or by my husband either.
In most weddings I've attended in the last 30 years, one can keep or get rid of the phrase, "Who gives this woman.....?" And in those cases where the phrase is still used, the father ususally answers, "Her mother and I do" showing that it's not just the dad passing the daughter to the husband, but both parents.
While I have not had a "forever" marriage through no fault of my own (spousal abuse!), I certainly believe in forever marriages. That is what God intended.
My hubby's daughter asked us just last night how long we think we'll be married. And we both answered, "Till death do us part."
If marriages are not lasting that long, perhaps it's because there is no forethought. Premarital counseling is a great idea. You really do need to address things that just don't cross your mind when you're dating and courting. For some, how the toothpaste is squeezed is important. For others, who takes out the garbage can be a relationship breaker. But it takes - sometimes - a professional or someone who has been married for years and years to point out how important those things can be.
I hope some day you are not as jaded about marriage. It really is a fantastic institution.
I love this! The rhymes and rhythm are good. And the message is one that we've all pondered. Why don't we get reviews and ratings on all of our writings?
If this is really one of your ponderings, I hope you'll explore all the opportunities to plug your work here.
Quite a story. Thankfully, even people like Daniel can be forgiven...
I do have some suggestions.
I would change the following sentences:
When Daniel was 12, his friend and him had stolen some candy bars from a convenience store, which led to a down on her luck store clerk getting fired for constant stock shortages.
To:
When Daniel was 12, he and his friend stole some candy bars from a convenience store which led to the store clerk getting fired for constant stock shortages.
This:
Usually money was sent with each letter, but whenever it wasn't he was rewarded with a phone call describing how bad of a father he was.
To:
He usually sent money with each letter. When he didn't, he received a phone calling him a bad father.
This:
Unfortunately, there was a fire in the building he lived in.
To:
Unfortunately, there was a fire in the building where he lived.
I would also make sure there are spaces between paragraphs.
You're right. This is quite sterotypical. Thank goodness there are differences in men and women that we can embrace. This, I think, shows both men and women in a bad light.
Well, how about that. I see that Lawrencia read your poem and already gave it a ribbon. Way to go.
It is an excellent poem. Winter has been strange so far this year in Cincinnati. I'd just as soon never see any of the white stuff.
Only one suggestion. In your description you said, "Wrote on a blistery winter night." That would be okay if it were a complete thought, like, "I wrote this on a blistery winter night." Otherwise, I think, "Written on a blistery winter night" would sound much better.
Gosh, golly, geeeeeeeeee whiz. You've had less than 30 votes on this very important poll. That just cannot be. Perhaps having it appear on the public review page will attract attention. Glittery underpants, after all, are an important topic about which to vote.
Excellent job. Sadly, those who are not imprisoned often do not hear or see things as clearly as this. We ignore the beauty around us and are perturbed at the rain, rather than seeing it as God's refreshment.
Awesome miracle story. I would probably spell out Saturday and February, make more than one paragraph out of this and not use so many elipses. Other than that, I love it.
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again." - Oscar Wilde
I love this! As usual, your rhymes and rhythm are good. That's not a surprise. And...I guess it's also no surprise that you have an excellent message here as well.
People and flowers depend upon the care of others.
You bet I believe in God's miracles. And I believe he instructs people to do things they don't understand themselves - like leaving 2 liter pop bottles.
My only suggstion - so people will take you even more seriously - would be to make a few paragraphs out of this and to write out "and" instead of using "&".
These are some excellent thoughts. Music can and does define folks.
You have called this poetry, and I would not question that. (To me a poem is such if the writer decides it is so.) However, if it is, indeed, a poem, then I might suggest arranging it on the page more like a poem.
If it is prose, then the form is more correct. You do, though, need spaces between commas and words.
Funny, funny, funny. I'm not going to point out all the places where you used "there" instead of "their" or "to" instead of "too" because that's the entire point of the poem. Right?
Love the title. And it's misspelling too.
My only suggestion might be to take out the words "two hundred" just to make that line flow better.
Good job. We must continue to remind folks about the statistics and the dangers of abuse. We must remind folks that abuse can be physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, even financial.
In the US, between 25 and 33% of women will be abused in some fashion in their lifetime (the numbers depend on which studies you read, but it's at least 25%). Because of that, I maintain that every woman should know what shelters are available, if not for herself, then for her friends and relatives.
Thanks for the reminders.
Blessings,
Kenzie
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It's sad that this happens, but I think we're all guilty of it.
Thanks for sharing.