This piece has potential. However, in the third paragraph, you say "never a good idea" twice, about two different situations. I found that a little monotonous and distracting and, therefore, suggest re-reading, editing, maybe several times, all the while double-checking to make sure not to over-use words and phrases, etc.
Also, despite the fact that there is a lot happening here, I still found the narrative dull.
You are off to a good start; so keep writing and don't give up!
Hi, Lady Elf. I am responding to your request for a review. First, I suggest reading your work out loud as you write, I find it helps me in tweaking.
The second thing I suggest is that you consider removing any and all unnecessary words. I find this gives every piece more punch.
For example, on the first line consider: Under the table with head in my hands ---or--- Under the table, head in my hands...
Third rearranging words and/or playing around with the arrangement helps me find what works best within a certain piece. See the last three lines of the second stanza and consider:
You consume me with darkness,
fill my head with bad thoughts,
won't let me remember, what once I was taught.
Also, check tense agreement; for example, do I wish to be in the "present tense," "past tense," or "future tense." And then stay in agreement... unless you are purposefully moving into another tense.
Finally, use words that bring the most power to your writing and never be afraid to revise what you've written.
Thank you for sharing your history-based story, iKiya§ama, entitled: JESSIE
My overall thoughts: I'm glad this took place just over a hundred years ago. Looking back, times were not as innocent as one might hope. I had to wonder whether or not Jessie Washington was guilty of the charges. The eye-witness audio says he was later found innocent; so, I am sure his confession was coerced.
Most liked -- and why: I like your characterizations---especially the narrator---since she most-likely is unbiased.
Least liked -- and why: There was nothing within your story that was "least liked." However, I do wish we could get beyond the corruption and abominations carried out historically and move into the present with forgiveness for the prejudiced ignorant.
Grammar/Spelling (suggestions): Perfect. No errors found.
Mere suggestions for improvement: I see no need for improvement. This is a time---like the holocaust---that should not be forgotten. It shows the degradation, humiliation and merciless behavior for which "civilized" humanity is capable. Truly saddening.
Why/how this piece did (or did not) impact me: You took me there with your descriptive detail.
Final thoughts: You are the author here and these are merely my thoughts. Whether or not you agree or disagree matters fractionally in comparison to my hope that I have encouraged and provoked you to even better writing. It has been my pleasure to read, rate and review your writing. Write on!
As you continue participating in this small, growing community of aspiring writers, may your success continue to climb! My hope is to see more of your work as your journey progresses!
Thanks for sharing this PoisonIvy! It gave me a much needed break from reality.
I was hoping the humans were on a mission to rescue a bunny from the storm, but I guess we all know that would be a "rescue" only in our minds --- definitely not in the eyes of a bunny.
Hello, Lakin. I am pleased to present my review of your poetry entitled:VANDAL EYES
MY PERSONAL COMMENTS FOLLOW:
Title - I found the title appropriate; it drew me in.
Point of View - This is a first-person narrative.
Diction - I found your meandering style consistent.
Imagery - You take the reader into the contemplative shadows of the debris littered alley and provoke emphatic, empathetic emotions.
Rhythm/Rhyme/Cadence - Technique and cadence add to the conveyance.
Structure - The structure is suitable, worthy; the format adds punch.
Theme - The overall theme is one of dispair. You took me there.
Final thoughts - You are the author, and these are merely my comments. Whether or not you agree or disagree matters fractionally in comparison to my hope that you are encouraged. It was my pleasure to read, rate and review your writing. Write on!
As you continue participating in this growing community of writers, may your success climb steadily! I look forward to watching your journey!
Hi, TJ. Good story-telling. However, I found a few problems that could deter others from reading and reviewing your work:
(1) The print was exceptionally small; I had to magnify my screen to read it. You may wish to use a larger font in the future.
(2) I found grammatical, spelling and punctuation errors throughout. Also, a new sentence should always start with a capital letter. Consider using spell-check and some sort of grammar-check to help find and fix problems.
Hello, Christine. I am pleased to present my review of your poetry entitled: SHADES
MY PERSONAL COMMENTS FOLLOW:
Title - How it did or did not impact me. In my opinion, was it appropriate? Though the title in and of itself did not impact me---pull me in---I did find it appropriate.
Point of View - From whose point of view is this poetry written? ...written from the author's point of view.
Diction - Consistent throughout? Was it appropriate/effective or not, in my opinion? I found the diction within your poetry consistent and effective. I especially like the descriptions written directly underneath each named color; they create more imagery.
Imagery - In my opinion... How effective are the images in the poem? What senses and/or emotions were provoked, evoked? Was it appealing to me? If not, suggestions... I found the images in line with the color and clarifying descriptions; such as "Crimson," etc.
Rhythm/Rhyme/Cadence - Whether or not I found the rhythm/rhyme/cadence effective... Was there continuity? If so, was it appropriate or forced? Did it attract or detract from the poem? Suggested improvements? I found the cadence fluent---not overpowering, distracting.
Structure - stanza form, line breaks, punctuation, proportion? Did I find it enhanced or detracted from the poetry? There were no obvious punctuation problems.
Theme - What was the overall theme of this piece? Was it interesting to me? Did it provoke or evoke anything in me, personally? Did it work well for the piece? The theme and the title are in alighnment---shades of color.
Final thoughts - You are the author; these are merely my comments. Whether or not you agree or disagree matters fractionally in comparison to my hope that I have encouraged and provoked you to even better writing. It has been my pleasure to read, rate and review your writing. Write on!
As you continue participating in this growing community of writers, may your success climb steadily! I look forward to watching your journey!
I enjoyed reading this piece, Rhychus. I like the visualization your writing inspires... though I still kind of wanted to see a picture of this creature. =)
Hi there, sumpinlikedat. I have reviewed and rated your piece entitled: MOIRAI
My overall thoughts: Fascinating start. You pull in your reader well and keep us hanging. Yet it felt like this came easy for you---nothing contrived.
Most liked -- and why: I'm not sure what I liked most, maybe your introduction, which was pretty much "right in the middle of things."
Least liked -- and why: I think you typed this first and then cut and pasted it in... because of that, there are a few things within the piece that need to be removed in order to clean it up. For instance, decadesâ. Remove that little accented "a." I think you meant to have an apostrophe here... and there's another one later on in the piece that looks like it should have been (and most probably was in your original draft) an apostrophe.
Grammar/Spelling (suggestions): Nothing really jumped out at me. However, on second take I think "arm in arm," should be "arm-in-arm." I would also remove unnecessary words---such that, for instance, "The only sounds to be heard" might instead read "The only sounds heard," etc. [I always try to remove everything that is not necessary in order to keep my work (and the reader) focused.]
Why/how this piece did (or did not) impact me: Your work caught my eye as unique, creative and forward-thinking. Thanks for that!
Final thoughts: You are the author and my comments are merely my own point of view. Whether or not you agree or disagree matters fractionally to me in comparison to my hope that I have encouraged and provoked you to even better writing. It has been my pleasure to read, rate and review your writing. Write on!
As you continue participating in this small, growing community of aspiring writers, may your success continue to climb! My hope is to see more of your work as your journey progresses!
This is good, irregular_onion. I liked the rhythmic ebb and flow. I wasn't so sure about the word "mead." I looked up the definition... maybe it was your intention. Also "mine mind" in the third line of the third stanza --- thought you may have meant to type "my mind."
Otherwise, I loved this piece and its dream-like qualities.
Hello, Angel. I too submitted a poem for this contest. Afterward, I read some of the other entries and came across your piece.
For me, the first two stanzas here speak to a lost soul, the next four to a backslider, and the final three stanzas speak to a saved follower of Jesus Christ. I like the concept. In the third stanza from the bottom, you might want to consider using "unceasingly" or a comparative word other than "incessantly." "Incessantly," for me, holds a negative connotation that doesn't fit well (e.g., the faucet dripped incessantly); it caused me to pause.
Keep writing! Good luck in the contest.
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