Thank you, Jim Dorrell. I really enjoyed reading and reviewing this mysterious, spell-binding poem. Who would have guessed about whom "Meeting him" was written? Not me... at least not until the final three words in the third line of the second to last stanza.
Well done. Children (of all ages) would especially like this, I think. I wouldn't change a thing.
You did an excellent job here. Your work and interpretation of the prompt captures the attention of the reader, giving it inherent value that can not be easily dismissed or overlooked.
Here: “Thank you, Jason. I am rather techno-inhibited,” he joked. Jason shared in the laughter..., I think it may be better said, Jason shared his amusement --- Jason chuckled in amusement... --- or Jason chuckled... something to that effect. "Laughter" seems to be too bold/loud a response for the smallness of the joke, in my opinion.
I didn't find anything else that struck me as out-of-place.
I love this fun piece... The rhythm and rhyme was enough, but not too much. I enjoyed the variety of sights and sound (changing from stanza to stanza).
I love clocks; therefore, I really hope this isn't a "true" story as I hate to think of such a memorable, valuable and once highly regarded timepiece being horded (in a way) and yet also thoughtlessly discarded. It is kind of sad. Especially when someone else---even if unknown and/or unrelated---could be enjoying it.
This piece has potential. However, in the third paragraph, you say "never a good idea" twice, about two different situations. I found that a little monotonous and distracting and, therefore, suggest re-reading, editing, maybe several times, all the while double-checking to make sure not to over-use words and phrases, etc.
Also, despite the fact that there is a lot happening here, I still found the narrative dull.
You are off to a good start; so keep writing and don't give up!
Hi, Lady Elf. I am responding to your request for a review. First, I suggest reading your work out loud as you write, I find it helps me in tweaking.
The second thing I suggest is that you consider removing any and all unnecessary words. I find this gives every piece more punch.
For example, on the first line consider: Under the table with head in my hands ---or--- Under the table, head in my hands...
Third rearranging words and/or playing around with the arrangement helps me find what works best within a certain piece. See the last three lines of the second stanza and consider:
You consume me with darkness,
fill my head with bad thoughts,
won't let me remember, what once I was taught.
Also, check tense agreement; for example, do I wish to be in the "present tense," "past tense," or "future tense." And then stay in agreement... unless you are purposefully moving into another tense.
Finally, use words that bring the most power to your writing and never be afraid to revise what you've written.
Thank you for sharing your history-based story, iKiya§ama, entitled: JESSIE
My overall thoughts: I'm glad this took place just over a hundred years ago. Looking back, times were not as innocent as one might hope. I had to wonder whether or not Jessie Washington was guilty of the charges. The eye-witness audio says he was later found innocent; so, I am sure his confession was coerced.
Most liked -- and why: I like your characterizations---especially the narrator---since she most-likely is unbiased.
Least liked -- and why: There was nothing within your story that was "least liked." However, I do wish we could get beyond the corruption and abominations carried out historically and move into the present with forgiveness for the prejudiced ignorant.
Grammar/Spelling (suggestions): Perfect. No errors found.
Mere suggestions for improvement: I see no need for improvement. This is a time---like the holocaust---that should not be forgotten. It shows the degradation, humiliation and merciless behavior for which "civilized" humanity is capable. Truly saddening.
Why/how this piece did (or did not) impact me: You took me there with your descriptive detail.
Final thoughts: You are the author here and these are merely my thoughts. Whether or not you agree or disagree matters fractionally in comparison to my hope that I have encouraged and provoked you to even better writing. It has been my pleasure to read, rate and review your writing. Write on!
As you continue participating in this small, growing community of aspiring writers, may your success continue to climb! My hope is to see more of your work as your journey progresses!
Thanks for sharing this PoisonIvy! It gave me a much needed break from reality.
I was hoping the humans were on a mission to rescue a bunny from the storm, but I guess we all know that would be a "rescue" only in our minds --- definitely not in the eyes of a bunny.
Hello, Lakin. I am pleased to present my review of your poetry entitled:VANDAL EYES
MY PERSONAL COMMENTS FOLLOW:
Title - I found the title appropriate; it drew me in.
Point of View - This is a first-person narrative.
Diction - I found your meandering style consistent.
Imagery - You take the reader into the contemplative shadows of the debris littered alley and provoke emphatic, empathetic emotions.
Rhythm/Rhyme/Cadence - Technique and cadence add to the conveyance.
Structure - The structure is suitable, worthy; the format adds punch.
Theme - The overall theme is one of dispair. You took me there.
Final thoughts - You are the author, and these are merely my comments. Whether or not you agree or disagree matters fractionally in comparison to my hope that you are encouraged. It was my pleasure to read, rate and review your writing. Write on!
As you continue participating in this growing community of writers, may your success climb steadily! I look forward to watching your journey!
Hi, TJ. Good story-telling. However, I found a few problems that could deter others from reading and reviewing your work:
(1) The print was exceptionally small; I had to magnify my screen to read it. You may wish to use a larger font in the future.
(2) I found grammatical, spelling and punctuation errors throughout. Also, a new sentence should always start with a capital letter. Consider using spell-check and some sort of grammar-check to help find and fix problems.
Hello, Christine. I am pleased to present my review of your poetry entitled: SHADES
MY PERSONAL COMMENTS FOLLOW:
Title - How it did or did not impact me. In my opinion, was it appropriate? Though the title in and of itself did not impact me---pull me in---I did find it appropriate.
Point of View - From whose point of view is this poetry written? ...written from the author's point of view.
Diction - Consistent throughout? Was it appropriate/effective or not, in my opinion? I found the diction within your poetry consistent and effective. I especially like the descriptions written directly underneath each named color; they create more imagery.
Imagery - In my opinion... How effective are the images in the poem? What senses and/or emotions were provoked, evoked? Was it appealing to me? If not, suggestions... I found the images in line with the color and clarifying descriptions; such as "Crimson," etc.
Rhythm/Rhyme/Cadence - Whether or not I found the rhythm/rhyme/cadence effective... Was there continuity? If so, was it appropriate or forced? Did it attract or detract from the poem? Suggested improvements? I found the cadence fluent---not overpowering, distracting.
Structure - stanza form, line breaks, punctuation, proportion? Did I find it enhanced or detracted from the poetry? There were no obvious punctuation problems.
Theme - What was the overall theme of this piece? Was it interesting to me? Did it provoke or evoke anything in me, personally? Did it work well for the piece? The theme and the title are in alighnment---shades of color.
Final thoughts - You are the author; these are merely my comments. Whether or not you agree or disagree matters fractionally in comparison to my hope that I have encouraged and provoked you to even better writing. It has been my pleasure to read, rate and review your writing. Write on!
As you continue participating in this growing community of writers, may your success climb steadily! I look forward to watching your journey!
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.16 seconds at 6:02pm on Jul 14, 2025 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My overall thoughts: