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1
1
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Greetings AJBurchell, as promised, a review for a review.

Hey first, I want to say if 63 is old...well then I must be, well, older than you, which is true; but don't hold it against me. *Bigsmile* Seriously though, on to the review. *Wink*

Bahahahha this was the best read I've read in awhile. It is absolutely nonsensical, littered with humor, wit and sarcasm: what's not to love? The dinner party's setting may be in another country, however, it could be any dinner party, in upper Manhattan or Orange County *Shock2* to name a few.

The Menu and "diet morsels" are at the same time, absurd & quite logical depending on the Who's Who on the invitation list.

The main protagonist is a real character (I mean to be both serious and sheepish) which a took a liking too because though he didn't say every thought that came to his mind, he was believable, likable-a real piece of work. Great job with giving your "character" some substance and character! *Wink*

I laughed a good hardy laugh at the scene where he "ducked" down to his car, and just happened to have a bag of "take away" stashed in the car as well as a couple of "weighty" bottle of French White wine. *Laugh* Hilarious. I wanted to be at that dinner party, if nothing more, to just observe.

Superb!

Well done bringing your readers into the story with antics and escapades that are laced with irony, wit and campy humor! Excuse me while I have a cigarette so my disdain of the menu could be disguised under a cloud of smoke.

Smoked Bacon & Ebb Ice-cream sounds dreadful but it's a dessert I could imagine on the menu of a swanky, high-end, nose-up-in-the-air restaurant." *Laugh* I had crab ice-cream once, truth, it's also true, it wasn't that good to me though everyone was else was raving-madness-I say.

This story is small in words but big in personality! Though I did notice it was an excerpt of story of yours.

Opps, sorry, I went over 2000 words *Shock2* So I'll stop now: this was wonderful!

Thanks for allowing me the inviting me in to your portfolio via a review.

write on!
kjo just groovin
2
2
Review of Forget Me Not  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Greetings Aussie1! Thank you for the opportunity to look over your portfolio. I found only 1 item so my choice wasn't hard at all! *Wink* This is the review I promised. I hope you find my review helpful with thoughtful suggestions if any. Like you, I'm a novice but I do enjoy reviewing and writing.

Overall, you have a wonderful story which has a lot of promise. The ending was surprising and wonderful! So well done.

I think your main character is believable and genuine and that's important. If we don't like the main characters we might make some judgements that aren't fair. great job with developing relatable characters.

I did find your story a little "one note;" by that I mean, it was lack some depth and some emotion.
For instance, you wrote:"... her sparkling manner made her a pleasure to be around. I wondered what made her so cheerful, but I never asked. I had always been told it was impolite to pry." What makes her manner "sparkling" what can you describe to the reader that helps them understand her "sparkling manner."

Sparkling like the early morning sun rising over a serene pond...or sparkling like stars in the night sky... sparkling like the diamond pins she placed in the center of the center rose bud in the arrangement..." Well you get my point, just embellish a bit with descriptions that help the reader "see-envision" the mannerisms. I hope this helps!

Some of your sentences, suffer form a little wordiness. An easy fix! For instance, you wrote: Riding the bus home, passengers admired and commented on the wonderful bunch of flowers. At home, I arranged the flowers into a crystal vase, then sat admiring the arrangement.
There were Waratahs with Kangaroo Paws and Banksias set against a backdrop of Wax Flower and Spinning Gum. Some Purple Stasis added a nice colour to the setting.

Two things I'd like to touch on in the above paragraph. 1st, here's a simple rewrite that says the same thing in less words. ?? On the bus ride home, several passengers said how beautiful the flowers were! Excitement welled up overflowing like a water can left out catch some summer rain. I couldn't wait to get home and place them in a crystal vase. Well you may not like my metaphor but you get my point. 2nd, You list off all these flower types indigenous to your country, but unless the readers is a student of flowers from around the world, it's difficult to envision what the flowers look like. So a description of a couple would be helpful. What makes a flower a Waratah or a Kangaroo Paw?

These are just a couple of suggestions. I do hope your found them to be helpful.

You have the makings of a wonderful story here. It just needs a little tweak here and there. *Wink*

Aussie 1 thank you for the pleasure of reading your story. If I can be of any further help, I'm here to help if you would like. Just ask!

Best wishes and write on!

kjo just groovin
3
3
Review of Winning Streak  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Myles and as promised here's a review for reviewing my short story.

Thank you for the suggestion! I trust you find my review and any suggestions I make helpful. I do my best to give thorough reviews that are not just full sugar coated words but rather words, that give feedback which may have an impact on any editing you choose to do. Keep in mind, I'm not professional editor-proofreader but I enjoy and read a story a few times if necessary to have a full understanding of characters, theme, POV, flow, grammar ect.

I love your story! I came in to this review with a plan of doing a thorough review, studying your sentences, checking for wordiness, flow and any tense or grammatical errors, but I found none!

Seriously, this is near perfect and I have great respect for you as an experience writer. Rarely do I come across a near perfect read without any findings or suggestions, not even in my own writing.

So. very well done! *Wink*

Your story is relatable; I mean don't we all at one time or another, wish for our ordinary to be extraordinary and ultimately, our life easier? *BigSmile*

The tender & loving relationship between Janus and, his wife, is believable as is their wants, needs and desires. This is indeed, any "normal" married couples story.

Your story had a well written Beginning, Middle and a suspenseful and tragic end which the reader is left to only imagine.

The story flows well! And I appreciate an honest & caring man who is also just a good human and stops to help the driver of the broken down car. It's not even unusual the driver was "a palm reader" wishing her rescuer, "good luck," at least not in this small, dusty community where the country fair is still a big deal. *BigSmile*

Great job of setting up the scenes to follow.

Dawn's boyfriend may not be a likeable fellow from a parents point of view but it's so true, and I appreciate the fact the parent's most notable dislike of him is that he isn't who they'd choose for their daughter; but you didn't allow Janus'' thoughts about Nick "color" the reader's ability to judge for themselves. Well done.

I enjoyed your story and especially love reading one that flows, where the characters are relatable, where the storyline gives us a reason to cheer as well as a reason to be shocked and saddened.

I wish I could give suggestions (if that was what you were hoping for,) but alas, I found your story to be not only well-written but a story with main characters the reader cheers for characters
that are believable and genuine; a story that is free of grammar & punctuation errors that stump a reader up; a story which has a lot of emotion, a well played out plot/theme, suspense and a ending no reader could see coming. Bam! Like I said at the top of this review: Near Perfect! (sorry, I always say near perfect, because I firmly believe "perfections" is over-rated and nearly impossible to obtain) But, excellence is absolutely attainable!

Thank you for allowing me to read your story. I wish you the best in the contest. It's definitely a contender! Excellent! *BigSmile*


kjo just groovin
4
4
Review of Cracked  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings f.x.keenan and Newbie! I clicked on this short story of yours because I was curious, who or what cracked? And besides, it's slated as a comedy, and a good laugh is always "good." *Laugh*

I hope you find my somewhat chill reviewing style helpful. I will always sandwich the suggestions in-between the positives. *Wink* So here goes.

I did read your short story twice, to really grasp the scene and the point.

You did an amazing job of painting the scene with your words. It was like a synopsis of something bigger and I liked it.

I thought the bits of imagery you teased us with were effective, my point: "And the landing was a rough one!" I replied, observing the subject of the sad tale eating chili with his hands.


I picture this scene being repeated on small stages in communities, cities, basements, kitchens and courtrooms. *Laugh* In other words, it's ironic: far from diplomatic, a little back-handed and yet in your face with suggestions but not actually spelling anything out.

So it's clever.

Great job with underlining meaning. Perhaps that wasn't your intent, I have a bad habit of reading between the lines and oft times, imagining something that hasn't really happened. *BigSmile*

Nicely done...a combination of shocking & sad *Hug1**hug**Hug2*

There was only one image that left me wondering; you wrote: "his gaze falling on a disheveled little soul like a heavy wool blanket," It may or may not bother you that I didn't "see" what your were implying, and that's ok it's your writing. I just wanted to put it out there.

Overall, for such a short story, you created a notable scene with eccentric characters that peaked curiosity and raised from within a good amount of emotion.

I look forward to reading more.

write on!
kjo just groovin
5
5
Review of Farewell  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Kiara welcome to writing.com and congrats on allowing & inviting readers and reviewers alike to comment & rate your story. I hope you find my review thoughtful! Trust that any suggestions I may make, are from a reader's point-of-view and you can count on me being genuine, constructive and hopefully helpful!

Young love is so sweet. You did a wonderful job of conveying the emotion. So great job! I thought your two main characters were believable. In fact, while reading your story, it didn't really dawn on me that Kyle was a boy. Not that it matters, but that just speaks to how good of a writer you are even though "Kyle" may suggest in a traditional sense, he was a boy, you didn't give specifics or descriptions and just allowed the reader to see the love unfolding between your characters. Sometimes, less is more *Wink*

Over all, the story had a good flow, but every now and again, I was tripped up but the wordiness in a sentence or left to wonder at times (if no name was mentioned) who's talking? For instance, you wrote: "»Hey. What are you doing in here? You should be out there having the most amazing night of your life.« I smiled upon her as Emily was looking up to me. What I've underlined in bold is a bit confounding. I, Her, Emily appears to be 3 but is really just 2 characters? Maybe just: I smiled at her as she looked up at me?

Also, grammatically speaking, Dialogue usually has these " as opposed to these >> ? Just a thought.


I found the following sentence could benefit from a bit more description which helps the reader identify who these other characters are: »Hey Kyle. Are there still more of these?« Jenna, a girl from Emily's dance team I had never really spoken to before I invited her to this party, held up an empty bag of potato chips in front of my face.

You could add a little description and scene like this: "Hey Kyle, are there more of these?" Jenna, a friend of Emily's, asked as she held the potato chip bag upside down. I gazed at her with steady eyes and smirked, I didn't know her well; nor had spoken to her much but she was an acquaintance of Emily's from dance class." Again, just thoughts to ponder.


The following sentence is a bit wordy. I think you could say more using less words.
Although I didn't like dancing nearly as much as she did and therefore didn't look nearly as good on the dance floor, the smile on her face was a good enough reason for me to stay exactly where I was instead of going back to my bench in the corner.
Maybe: I didn't like dancing as much as Emily which is one of the reasons I didn't look as good dancing as she did. Truth is, it felt awkward. I'd rather be the DJ spinning the music. Again, just a suggestion.


In the next sentence, I noticed a punctuation issue. You wrote:
Hours later the last few people had just left the garage to head home so I had started cleaning up the mess that was left of Emily's farewell party as she came back in.

Breaking up the sentences with punctuation allows the reader to breath & will help with the flow.It might be nice to add some description so the readers can see the mess. Such as: Hours later the last few party goers left the garage to head home leaving me to clean the crumpled up snack bags, the half-filled cups of punch and the left over party trays strewn here and there. Just as I was finishing, Emily walked in.

Again, just something to think about.

Overall, you have a wonderful story of young love blossoming before the readers eyes. Your main characters have substance, emotion and are believable. So that's a great start.

Overall, well done!

Wonderful Writing and best wishes!

Kjo just groovin
6
6
Review of The Perfect Day  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Chibithulu (Alyssa)

As promised, here is a review. I choose your short story "Perfect Day" because, well, it's a perfect day here to read about a perfect day! *Laugh*

I hope you find my suggestions and thoughts helpful: please know that they are just based off an emotional response to your story taking in to consideration: characters, theme, plot, grammar, punctuation, emotion, ect. Keep in my I'm not a professor, I'm not a published writer, just a reader, a reviewer and a lover of words.

You have a wonderful title. It grabs the reader, because, a "Perfect Day could literally be about anything. So great title!

There is a good amount of emotion in your story and the emotion makes your characters relatable. I like both of your characters; any single parent could relate. The mom is doing her best in her current situation which helps the reader form an understanding as well as develop compassion for her.

The young boy is so full of joy and I love how you weaved that joy in
by reminding the audience that "it's the small things that are important."

Great job with emotion, making your characters genuine and making a certain situation, relatable with a tug-at-your-heart lesson. *HappyCry*

I found a few areas that may be improved by removing some wordiness or changing up the punctuation. For instance, you wrote: The boy's eyes devoured every detail on the kite that his mother had just handed him. The sentence might flow with more ease if you removed the past tense words, had just to read instead: The boy's eyes devoured every detail on the kite he mother handed him. *Wink* Just a thought

Alos, in the 2nd paragraph you wrote: "She too was cherishing the moment. It both cheered and hurt her heart to see him so happy over something so small. Perhaps if you infused those two sentences together, it might flow with more ease. For example: She too was cherishing the moment which touched her heart with joy in the moment and sadness because the gifts are far and few between." Or something like that; you get my gist. Again, just a thought.

There were a couple of instances, I thought some descriptions would help bring a imagery alive instead of just descriptive word. For instance, you wrote, "The sky was shockingly blue that day" How does shockingly blue look? Also, you interject "that day" which suggests a day different then the day they are "now" enjoying, so there's a tense issue as well.

There are some truly tender moments in this story which tugs at the heart of the reader. I love the relationship between the two. It seems so real, the characters are genuine with true emotion and really, that's such a vital aspect to any story. So great job!

There may or may not be some additional punctuation and wordiness which interrupt the flow of your story but overall, wonderful writing!!

Thank you

kjo just groovin
7
7
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Lady H, thank you for requesting a review for your recently edited first Chapter of "The Great Escape." I hope you find my review and any suggestions helpful.

First I'd like to say, I think you have a good story. Your protagonist, Luce seems like a pretty normal young adult with a lot of curiosity that get's her in to a bit of a stew. I like the fact that she struggles between good & bad and like most people, makes mistakes. So she is Genuine, which is important because it makes your character relatable.

The theme is shrouded in a bit of mystery, and mystery and or suspense is awesome fuel for a story. *Smile*
You've given your character a good amount of emotion! Yay!

I do have some suggestions: please remember they are only my opinions, based off my response to your character & your story. It's ok if you don't apply my suggestions, after all, it is your story.

I think the flow of your story could be improved by working on some the punctuation issues; for example: you wrote, "My adopted mother’s disapproving eyes fill my thoughts, the weighted glare I’d never truly been the victim of but witnessed a thousand times directed at dad." I find the above sentence is a bit long and a bit weighted down by run on sentence (between my thoughts & the weighted glare)so it could flow with more ease by making them individual sentences or changing the comma with a semicolon?

I also found the 2nd paragraph to be a bit wordy. Perhaps if you switched the words up to: The disapproving eyes of my adopted mother, attack my thoughts. ???

Another paragraph which could benefit from some editing is Paragraph 3. You wrote: "The branch I'd watched growing tantalizingly closer for my window daring me to leave." The sentence seems incomplete-fragmented but also the imagery is a bit confusing...I guess it's hard for me to imagine a tree branch growing tantalizingly closer. ?? *Confused*

The sudden changes in tense does make the story read a bit choppy. For instance: "I swallow. I'd just turned eighteen, and I finished my final...." Maybe: I swallow. Now that I'm eighteen and school is out for the summer... ?"

Oft times, just changing the succession of words, makes a huge difference in the flow of a story. For instance you wrote you:

"I strap on my heels, thoughts now focused on the big opening of the new club, Castle, that my classmates had been twittering about the last few weeks... ."

Maybe if you edited it to highlight the excitement you feel toward the opening of the new club such as: I strap on my heels and turn my thoughts to the reason I defied any good sense I may have to crawl out my bedroom window and shimmy across a branch: which is to experience the new club "Castle," that all my friends are twittering about." ???

Just some thoughts and ideas here Lady H.

Overall, however, you have the makings a good story here. You've got some really good imagery:
"my feet curl around the rough bark." And "a violent green" *Wink*, a character with emotion, some mystery and suspense...so, great job.

I hope you find any suggestions I made helpful.

Best wishes

kjo just grooving







8
8
Review of The Elevator  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings! Please know I am just a reader and this is just a humble review of your flash fiction, with no intent to judge or criticize but rather just give you thoughts and perhaps suggestions.

Thanks for sharing!

I think you managed to give us some insight into your main character in just 300 words. Well done! We know quite a bit about the woman; she is married, having an affair and likes to drink red wine. So well done with characterization which is a difficult job to do well in a novel let alone, flash fiction.

Overall, the short flowed nicely and the build up to the end was thoughtful.

I did question a few small inconsistencies: Here, you are telling us she "slipped into something more comfortable." Yet later entering the elevator she has a dress on and heels "Loosening another button on my dress, I made my way to the elevators. I could have climbed the stairs, but thirteen floors was a lot of steps in killer heels." Just adds a bit of confusion. Not that serious though, just thought you'd like to know.

Very nice ending. You left me wondering what "they" were. Well done.

Overall, a good read. I wish you best of luck in the Contest.

Write on and then, write on some more. Kjo just groovin


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
9
9
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)



*Flower1* Hey Brandi *Flower1*



Please know I offer comments and suggestions with an intent of sharing one reader's perspective. I am by no means a professional writer (not yet anyway)

Greetings! Congrats on having your story highlighted in the Newsletter!

I thoroughly enjoyed your short story! Truth is, I thought I was watching a live late Night Talk Show! For reals. You did a superb job with the dialogue Excellent!


I thought your questions were on point. The kind of questions any host would ask a Zombie. LOL! So Good!

I love how you humanized the Zombie (if that is even possible, LOL) With the eyeball dangling and the finger falling off...just another day in the park for the Zombie...much like any other human with their little oddities and nuances. . Right? Very well Done {i/}

There was an undertone of humor which always lightens the story. It was entertaining. Outstanding!

Your characterization was well developed for such a short story made up of all dialogue. I could visualize the Zombie and well, he wasn't pretty and he was pretty stinky as well. Superb!


Thanks for the entertaining read.

I hope you found this useful.

You have a gift. Good luck honing and nurturing it. Write on and then write on some more.

*Peace* Kjo Just Groovin *Peace*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
10
10
Review of Voices  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Note1* phoenixfire1 *Note1*

Greetings Newbie and Welcome! I found your flash fiction on the Request a Review page. Thanks for inviting me in for a review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I think you did a great job incorporating the necessary words and creating a short-short story utilizing those words! Great Job!

I thought your story was readable and a little chilling which is a good thing for this genre. Nice work!

It's difficult to built characterization with flash fiction but you used good descriptive words, action and reaction which gave a some insight to your character. Bravo!

I do have a couple of small suggestions or observations if you will. Please remember I'm not a professional published writer. Just a peer just as you are.

Try removing some of the 'thats' from your sentences. That is a filler and it's not always necessary to the whole of the sentence. You can usually remove it without losing any meaning. For instance, you wrote: He arrived at the doors that had been heavily guarded decades before. Now all it had was a deadbolt that seemed to have already been broken by past intruders. In these two sentences you used 'that' twice. It interrupts the flow of the sentence oft times. Perhaps: He arrived at the doors which, at one time were heavily guarded. Now, there was just a deadbolt which appeared to have been broken. Perhaps by past intruders? Just a suggestion, of course. Can you notice the difference as you read it?

Also, the following sentence is a bit awkward. It's great to vary sentences but here, I'm not so sure it works. You wrote: Hands held out in front of him, he fumbled through the dark. I think it might be better to switch such as He fumbled through the dark even as his hands were held out for balance. again, just an observation.

Overall, I thought your story was good. it needs a little refining but not much and I say, Good Luck! with the contest.

if I can ever help you navigate this community, please shoot me an email.

Again, welcome.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Peace*kjo just groovin *Peace*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
11
11
Review of Squatters  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Note1* EricAnderson *Note1*

Greetings! I found your story on the request a review page and thought your title was intriguing so I stopped in for a read. Thanks for inviting me into your port.

I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Your introduction is appealing enough to encourage me to read on. So well done!

This is a peculiar story, but I liked it, though it freaked me out! It's one of those scary movies without all the blood, gore and murder. The fact this "squatter" is a voyeur in one's own home, unbeknownst is flat out creepy. So Excellent! job with originality and creep factor!

Your character is particularly dangerous because he's intelligent and mental enough to believe he is "commander" of what-ever his mind can create. Bravo! with characterization!

Overall this was well written minus a few small issues I found but may not be issues to you at all. Just observations if I may?

You wrote: "... but she covers up to make me want her naked again. " I know what you are saying here, but in the context of the sentence as a whole this part seemed a bit awkward. Perhaps, maybe a pause with a comma after "up" or adding a word such as "only" to make me want... just an observation.

The following phrase, left me a bit baffled because it makes it seem like he has a car. Am I wrong to think most street/homeless don't have a car? you wrote: "I’d be back on the highway off-ramp" it just startled me as I was reading, more like in a questioning way. *Wink*


I linger in this house, long after the girl goes out to meets her friends. {just wondering a bout the necessity of a comma after "house" I didn't sense a need for a pause here?

All in all.. Awesome! writing

It was easy to read, suspenseful and surprising. I found the theme to be original and your character was well developed for such a short story. Nice!

I hope you found this review useful.

write on and then write on some more!

*Peace*kjo just groovin *Peace*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
12
12
Review of I live in my Car  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Note1*Greetings Kbot *Note1*

Congratulations kbot. I found your story highlighted in this weeks newsletter. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

This is an account of quite the life you choose to live. I found your story fascinating. And I do agree ( I lived in my car before but not by choice, just until I could save first, last and deposit. But it was October in Colorado and cold) there is a sense of freedom and liberation that comes with traveling light if you will, and you always have to think about where to park the car just as you said, and parking it close to facilities in case you need to use the restroom and to definitely brush your teeth! I find it peculiar anyone would choose to live in their car, yet its intriguing as well.

I think you helped to make your story more real and accepting because of the incidents you shared while living in your car. So Bravo!

Overall this was well written. I did find a few issues if you will that you may, or may not, want to consider editing. Such as the following inconsistency: you wrote: No I wasn't asleep at the time. But having a huge hole on top of your head at that time of the morning isn't a good feeling, much less than that big sharp bang followed by the explosive burst of glass fragments on top of you that raises you from sleep.

Since living in your car is a choice you make, I didn't have empathy for you, so it was difficult to invoke emotion but what I did feel, was a bit sad *Sad* for the lack of human interaction other than work.

Since this is a personal account, it's difficult to comment on your choices. But I do feel if you want to share your story, it could use a little rewriting so the paragraphs and sentences flow with more ease. try cutting out the often times unnecessary words such as "that" and by varying your sentence lengths so the pace is a bit less choppy. otherwise, well done!

I do hope you found this useful. Please know, I'm not a professional writer, not even published, just a peer on this site, like you. I do Salute you for living your life the way you choose, and for your courage . Stay safe and well, and I wish you much happiness.

Thank you for sharing your story.

write on and then write on some more!

*Peace* Kjo just groovin *Peace*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
13
13
Review of A Day in the Life  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note1* Greetings EmilyRobersonWallac *Note1*

I found your story on the Static List for new items, so I suspect it's just recently been edited. Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read and review your story. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective

Overall i enjoyed the Theme and the storyline and I thought, Jada, as a character was well developed for such a short story and I could certainly envision this as a longer story. So, well done!

I enjoyed the some of your word choices which brought forth strong images to my mind's eye as I was reading, Nice Job!

I think this story has great potential! Excellent!

I do feel there are a few issues you may want to consider. May I make a few suggestions?

The first paragraph, while it did capture my interest to read further, I felt it could use a little refining and polishing by removing some of the 'that" s which are not always necessary to the meaning of the sentence and oft times, just weigh the sentence down. Also I felt the first sentence seemed to create a bit of a break in the flow, for instance : " A plethora of dark clouds invaded the sky at sunset, the air cooling with the sun's descent. The first part of the sentence, excellent, the second half seemed like it didn't match or flow. Just a thought for you to consider.

The following phrase was a bit confounding to me : a known haunt of that which she sought. I don't know that it fit with the previous phrase. it seemed a bit disjointed. Again, just thoughts for you to consider.

As an example of what I was implying with the word that, here's an example: you wrote: The law dictated that each Slayer rid the city of two dozen vermin each month, otherwise they were confined to the city until that quota was reached. If you were to delete the 'that's I feel your story would flow with more ease. Such as: The law dictated each Slayer rid the city of two dozen vermin each month, otherwise they were confined until the quota was reached. again, just thoughts for you to consider.

I enjoyed the fact you allowed the reader's to envision what the 'vermin' would look like. Excellent!

Great job adding the senses which helps to bring life to the story. *Wink*

I found a few technical errors where there were too many spaces between words. An easy fix! *Wink*

Nice ending! Well done!

Overall, I enjoyed your short story. There were a lot of strengths and few issues but I enjoyed your story and feel it promises to shine even more with a little polishing and editing.

I hope you found this review helpful. Thank you for inviting me in to your port.

*Peace* Kjo Just Groovin *Peace*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
14
14
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Note1* Greetings Debussi *Note1*

Thanks for sharing your item which I found on the Review Page. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Hi! I noticed you've received previous reviews with an average of three stars. Either you've edited and rewritten a lot or other reviewers didn't much care for the content of the story. While it was a bit risque, I did like the fact it was completely original and quite humorous. excellent!

I thought it was easy to read though it wasn't "American English" and I tended to read it with a British accent (go figure). *Bigsmile* It was well written grammatically and I saw only a few technical errors where I questioned the punctuation or where you had one too many spaces between words. Well Done!

I haven't read any of your other items so I can't comment on your POV being 'typical" But I thought the First person narrative in this instance worked perfectly. Superb!

Overall I enjoyed your story and was pleasantly surprised by the turn of events for your protagonist. I wasn't expecting the spankings or all the extra items in her pockets. Haha *Bigsmile* i thought it was clever and funny and surprising. Awesome!

Was it perfect? well as writers are any of our stories every perfect? I don't know about you, but I'm still editing and rewriting stories I started fifteen/sixteen years ago. In other words, there is always room for improvement. Overall, I enjoyed your humor and you originality. Super!

Well I hope you found this review helpful Thanks for inviting me into your port. Perhaps I'll gander over there again soon.

Write on!

*Peace* Kjo Just Groovin *Peace*
15
15
Review of Iceberg Lessons  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note1* Greetings Amay! *Note1*


Thank you for reviewing one of my items. This is a "pay it forward review!" I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What an exciting story. I never knew having an iceberg so far away from it's inception was even possible, fiction or not, it was fascinating.

Overall your story was intriguing and full of discovery. I loved how Crystal was so captivated by the mystery bobbing away in the distance as the storm grew in strength. Excellent!

I feel the the storm itself was the main character of your story...with Crystal and Stu taking second and third string. With that being said, I think you did a fabulous job of building up the anticipation for what would happen when the storm hit. The suspense was great and I loved how you utilized the storm in all its parts to keep the reader on edge. Nice Work!

There was some nice description in your story. I felt like standing on the beach watching the storm rising and the iceberg rolling in. Well done with the visual aspect, which, all in all, means nice use of words. Superb !


I do have a few suggestions if I may? Please know , just like you, I'm a writer who loves to read and review, I'm no expert, the following is just an opinions.

"What a contrast to the warm sandy beaches she grew up going to... " It seems like this sentence is a little awkward. I think you could rewrite it so it would flow a little smoother? Sometimes, simpler is easier...such as "This rocky beach was so much different than the warm sandy beaches of her youth ? Just a suggestion..
.

There wasn’t any warm water out there that was for sure, not even now in the dog days of summer. The preceding sentence could also benefit from a small rewrite and I feel like the 'dog days of summer." phrase is a little typical.

Somehow that seemed so foreign to her. Standing on a beach covered with stones, a beach where you didn’t want to take your shoes off, much less put your toes in the water. In need of a little editing so this sentence can flow with more ease.

As she walked toward the hotel the skies grew more and more foreboding, the winds much more blustery. She could hardly stand up. Crystal felt like trying to walk in a hurricane, all tilted over to keep from toppling over. Too much repetition of the word "more."

As dinner time grew closer [,]the winds howled around the hotel. perhaps a comma after "closer?


The rains started coming down in sheets. Only it wasn’t like the sheets blowing in the gentle summer breezes, at times she could definitely see it raining sideways. maybe find another word choice for 'sheets? "


You could hear the sizzle as drops of rain fell through the chimney and hit the blazing logs. I find this a little unbelievable. Is is possible for the rain to drip down the chimney?


Crystal decided to call it a night. She pulled up the comforter and settled down for the night. Maybe another word to replace night? To ease back off the repetition
.
Crystal dreamed about the iceberg. She stood on its massive surface, climbed and explored the huge mass of ice. She determined that the mass of ice was solid under her feet. It didn’t have the feeling of floating like she expected. Crystal felt driven to explore every inch of the berg. She stood at the edge and watched the way the waves splashed up onto the iceberg. She explored the nooks and crannies, the crevices and chasms. She ran from side to side of the huge mass to see the other icebergs that floated down with the storm bounced and bobbed in the ocean. Again, just a little too much repetition of the word massive, mass, and stood.

All in all, nice job with description and characterization of the storm and the iceberg. I found your story to be suspenseful as I waited for the mystery to unfold. I thought you did a great job of describing the storm as it was unfolding. With a little rewriting and editing, this could be five stars *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

A little gem of story that needs just a little polishing. Thanks for sharing and for the opportunity to review.

Kjo just groovin. write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
16
16
Review of Let It Be...NOT  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note1*
Greetings Amay! *Note1*


Thank you for reviewing one of my items. This is a "pay it forward review!" I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What an exciting story. I never knew having an iceberg so far away from it's inception was even possible, fiction or not, it was fascinating.

Overall your story was intriguing and full of discovery. I loved how Crystal was so captivated by the mystery bobbing away in the distance as the storm grew in strength. Excellent!

I feel the the storm itself was the main character of your story...with Crystal and Stu taking second and third string. With that being said, I think you did a fabulous job of building up the anticipation for what would happen when the storm hit. The suspense was great and I loved how you utilized the storm in all its parts to keep the reader on edge. Nice Work!

There was some nice description in your story. I felt like standing on the beach watching the storm rising and the iceberg rolling in. Well done with the visual aspect, which, all in all, means nice use of words. Superb !


I do have a few suggestions if I may? Please know , just like you, I'm a writer who loves to read and review, I'm no expert, the following is just an opinions.

"What a contrast to the warm sandy beaches she grew up going to... " It seems like this sentence is a little awkward. I think you could rewrite it so it would flow a little smoother? Sometimes, simpler is easier...such as "This rocky beach was so much different than the warm sandy beaches of her youth> ? Just a suggestion..
.

There wasn’t any warm water out there that was for sure, not even now in the dog days of summer. The preceding sentence could also benefit from a small rewrite and I feel like the 'dog days of summer." phrase is a little typical.

Somehow that seemed so foreign to her. Standing on a beach covered with stones, a beach where you didn’t want to take your shoes off, much less put your toes in the water. In need of a little editing so this sentence can flow with more ease.

As she walked toward the hotel the skies grew more and more foreboding, the winds much more blustery. She could hardly stand up. Crystal felt like trying to walk in a hurricane, all tilted over to keep from toppling over. Too much repetition of the word "more."

As dinner time grew closer [,]the winds howled around the hotel. perhaps a comma after "closer?


The rains started coming down in sheets. Only it wasn’t like the sheets blowing in the gentle summer breezes, at times she could definitely see it raining sideways. maybe find another word choice for 'sheets? "


You could hear the sizzle as drops of rain fell through the chimney and hit the blazing logs. I find this a little unbelievable. Is is possible for the rain to drip down the chimney?


Crystal decided to call it a night. She pulled up the comforter and settled down for the night. Maybe another word to replace night? To ease back off the repetition
.
Crystal dreamed about the iceberg. She stood on its massive surface, climbed and explored the huge mass of ice. She determined that the mass of ice was solid under her feet. It didn’t have the feeling of floating like she expected. Crystal felt driven to explore every inch of the berg. She stood at the edge and watched the way the waves splashed up onto the iceberg. She explored the nooks and crannies, the crevices and chasms. She ran from side to side of the huge mass to see the other icebergs that floated down with the storm bounced and bobbed in the ocean. Again, just a little too much repetition of the word massive, mass, and stood.

All in all, nice job with description and characterization of the storm and the iceberg. I found your story to be suspenseful as I waited for the mystery to unfold. I thought you did a great job of describing the storm as it was unfolding. With a little rewriting and editing, this could be five stars *Star* *Star**Star**Star**Star*.

A little gem of story that needs just a little polishing. Thanks for sharing and for the opportunity to review.

Kjo just groovin. write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
17
17
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Flowert*Greetings FireFly_2! *Flowert*

Thanks for inviting me in to read your short story "A Brazilian Nightmare" I found your story on the Request a Review page. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

overall a nice read. I found your story to be full of drama and suspense and adventure. Well done! I did my best to look for errors in the mechanics of writing and in grammar but, for the most part this was well written without the stumblings of errors. Nice Work!

I do have a few small suggestions if I may?

"The constant reek of sweetness was now mingling with his startled panic, and nausea had engulfed him. " In this sentence, I felt as though there were too many ideas (themes) in one sentence. Perhaps make it two?

"... when she suddenly opened the door and bailed out, her body hitting the ground with a hard thud, then bouncing out of sight." Also, this seemed a bit unbelievable to me. With so much confusion, would you really hear the loud thud or see her body bounce out of sight? Just a thought for you to consider.

I think you had a good introduction. It grabbed my attention and raised my curiosity. However, I do think you could work on developing your Piedro character a bit. He seems a little one dimensional.

And last, I would caution you on the use of adverbs. While adverbs are useful, too many in a sentence will weigh a story down and interrupt the flow of the read. The 'ly" on the end of words don't always improve the sentence or make it more colorful. Oft times, they distract from the power of a simpler sentence. Also, the adverb can be removed altogether without losing any meaning. I didn't see a lot but you may want to remove them and add more description even if it means using more words which would enhance your story.

Over all however, a good read. Nice Job! I hope you found this review helpful

Regards: Kjo just groovin


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
18
18
Review of Le Ballerina  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Flowerv*Greetings!*Flowerv*

I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one 'reader's perspective. I found your short story on the Request a review page. Thanks for inviting me in.

Overall Susie, I enjoyed your story. I think you captured the essence of the "life of a ballerina." I could sense this addiction, this passion Cataline has. I sensed the driving force to dance with as much perfection as possible. You did an excellent job of luring the reader's in to Cataline's world of dance. The jealousy, the snubbery...the expectation and the dedication a ballerina must possess. Outward they seem so put together...inward, they seem so fragile in a way. *Sad*

I was attracted to this story because I just bought my grand-daughter a closet full of dance clothes and shoes because she is always fluttering about, putting on her tutu and using the window sill as a barr while kicking her legs up. She naturally just points her toes and she only three. The idea that she wants to be a ballerina, frightens me a bit *Bigsmile* Anyway, back to the review:

I didn't see any errors in the mechanics of writing, I would just like to caution you about using too many adverbs. They are necessary at times, and even useful, but for the most part they can weigh a story down, hold it back from being all it can be because they are not very descriptive. They don't add any colour or give a true picture which allows the reader to visualize the intended meaning. For instance, you wrote: I rolled my eyes and waited patiently for my name to be called You could exclude the adverb altogether without losing any meaning, but to add more interest to the sentence, you could elaborate : example: I rolled my eyes and breathed in making sure to stand as dignified as my 15 (18, 17, 19, 13) years would allow, yet inside I was .... ." Well I didn't want to rewrite the sentence for you, but I'm sure you catch my meaning and see how it adds more interest when you replace the adverb with more description which just increases the dimension of your characters. Just a thought to consider. *Bigsmile*


In addition, as I was reading I got a little confused as you changed from first person to third person.

Over all Susie, Great Job *Bigsmile* I enjoyed this story and you did an excellent job of bringing the reader's into Cataline's world of dance.

I do hope you found this review helpful.

*Peace*Kjo just groovin *Peace*

19
19
Review of Going Home  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There frisco *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Power Reviewers Read Me List. Thanks for requesting a review. I clicked on your story because most of us, regardless of what kind of 'home life' we had, we all think about 'home' at some point in our life. I thought your title was fitting. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing on reader's perspective.

I found your story to be heart warming with a nice touch of nostalgia. Great job with characterization! I felt like I knew Clarence and understood his dilemma. excellent!

The story was very well written! I couldn't find one error in grammar or in the mechanics of writing. Superb!

wonderful use of description! Not too many details...just enough so the reader could walk along with Clarence and hear the "dancing canopy of trees: above him, or hear the" rustling of ears of the corn flopping" in the breeze...very nicely done. Bravo!

great constraint with language! Just utilizing enough words so the plot unfolds with ease. Not too wordy and using selective words which help to create an image or bring forth emotion in the readers. Masterful

You have displayed many effective elements of short story writing: characterization, setting, conflict, plot, voice ect. Wonderful!

You are obviously a seasoned writer! Your story was a joy to read because It has universal appeal. Most readers can relate to Clarence's story...his sweet memories guiding him home, back to the loving arms of his grandma all the while being serenaded by the sounds and smells of those childhood memories he holds close to his heart. The story was sweet, simple and yet endearing.

Though the end was death...it was peaceful and Clarence was ready it seems, in mind, body and spirit. Overall, it's one of those sleepy little story, sweet and simple yet profound


Thanks for sharing!

I hope you found this review useful. Write on and then write on some more!

*Peace*Kjo just groovin' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

20
20
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Hektor Thillet *Note4**Note4*


Greetings! I found your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


Great title, very intriguing! I thought your story was very original and interesting. In fact, it reads like a fable or an allegory.

There are a few small issues with regards to grammar and the mechanics of writing but they are easy to address if you choose.

I think you've done a good job with characterization. I've learned quite a bit about your court jester. Excellent!

May I make some suggestions?


Like any other court jester, his job was to make the king laugh. And this he indeed carry out with high praise. In these sentences, It's best not to begin a sentence with conjunctions such as "but" or "and". Also, do you mean 'carried' out?


But although such flattery would have been well received by just about any other fool who had been court jester to the king, he wasn't just like any other fool. Here I just wanted to mention again, its best not to begin a sentence with 'but' and also, i think the sentence could be refined and polished so it reads smoother. It suffers a bit from wordiness and repetition. Perhaps Although such flattery may have been well received by other fools, he wasn't like any other fool. Or something to that effect. *Wink*

while everyone rested soundly asleep from another day of laughing, and carrying nothing but a bindle stick stuffed with a piece of bread and a bit of wine, the court jester simply vanished. Is bindle a word? A bit of wordiness with 'rested soundly asleep'


Well on his way was the court jester by morning. The previous sentence seems a bit awkward. Also there is a shift in voice from narrator to third person, so its a bit jarring. His first thought as a traveler had been to find someone who would not laugh at him, if this was at all possible. It's best, whenever possible to use active voice. Active voice helps to make your story come alive and involves the reader as the plot unfolds.


I think you have the beginnings of a fine story here. There is good characterization, action, conflict and perhaps a lesson or two for the reader to ponder. It does need some refining and polishing so it can shine as bright as you intended. All the above comments are just observations and just one reader's opinion. I'm far from an expert.

I do hope you find this useful and I hope this is taken in the spirit of encouragement for which it was intended.

Thanks for sharing and good luck writing!

*Peace*Kjo just groovin'
21
21
Review of Triple Danger  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There BIG BAD WOLF *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! found your story on the request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I think your story was original and creative. So well done!

Overall, your theme kept me interested and my curiosity high. I wanted to know what was going to happen next. So this is a good thing. *Wink*

You presented the readers with a theme, gave us supporting action and suspense and then gave us a nice little chuckle with the ending line. For me, the last line was the highlight, *Bigsmile*, in which your obvious humor shined through.

I will say, there were some high moments and some low moments in the story as well.

Some of the high moments I already mentioned. I'd also like to comment on what I thought were some of the low moments and make some observations if I may?

There was on line the author made which I felt was a bit of a stereotype and I must say, I was a bit offended. Of course I'm just one reader, and maybe it wouldn't bother anyone else. It had to do with the comment made by the first "triple danger" Julia when she compared his to a entire ethnic group. I wonder, was this necessary to the story? Sometimes, it's important as writers to ask the question, how does this comment relate to the conflict or the theme or the character, ect. The author might discover, the comment isn't necessary and has no pertinence to the story as a whole. As you know, writer's have a huge responsibility. I had a spot on, very astute English teacher once tell me; "if you think it's clever, it probably isn't" This one small, statement has had a huge impact on me as a writer especially when I consider this "huge responsibility." I'm not criticising you, by any means, just making an observation. *Wink*

Also, while this story is, without a doubt, fiction, there is a level of 'believability that must exist in order for the reader to believe the actions of the character, the conflict, the plot ect. While I felt it was creative and original, I'm not sure I believed. Part of this is because, Rodger didn't seem that much in pain when Julia pretty much severed him. It was yeow for a minute and the author mentioned blood but as I reader, I didn't feel his pain. This was in part due to the lack of overall 'emotion' in the story and because I felt the reader was 'telling' us about the pain rather than showing t he reader how much pain Rodger must have been in. Showing, whenever possible is always preferred over 'telling.'

I did find a few small errors in grammar. Nothing major. *Wink*


What are you going to me? For instance, this sentence seems to be missing a word.


Now where would the fun be if I let you leave without you paying for all of the worry you've caused your wife. [?] a question mark ? In this sentence, I felt it was a bit wordy. More so than what some crazed chick might say right before she's about to deliver some pretty severe punishment. Just some thoughts for you to ponder. I like to say, oft times, it's best to keep it simple; choosing less words, yet words with more impact or substance. Again, just a thought to consider.


and another woman were in another room... . You may want to consider a different word to cut back on the repetition.

And last, I'd like to mention adverbs. Adverbs, as you know are useful and oft times, even necessary. Most often then not, our sentences are better off without them. Adverbs tend to trap writers in a lazy zone. They don't offer much description, and they can be removed from a sentence without losing any meaning. I tend to think, the over use of adverbs creates a more 'tell' then 'show' quality in our stories. Even if the writer were to replace one adverb with more, words, the result is most often, a more polished, descriptive and active sentence.

For instance, take the following sentence I copied from your story. "Then she started to crack it experimentally." How important is the adverb 'experimentally' to the whole of the sentence? What does the reader learn from this word? If you were to remove the word altogether, something a bit more exciting happens to the sentence because it allows the reader to wonder, how is she cracking it? And we become involved and curious. As you know, this could be a good thing. However, if the writer was to take it one step further and replace the adverb with more words, then the action, the conflict comes alive to the reader and perhaps we can envision the action unfolding while giving us insight into the character, the action or the conflict. Example: Then she started to crack it and he felt the swoosh of air as it came just a millimeter away from his skin. The large smack resounded in his ears causing the hairs on the back of his neck to rise up as fear coursed through his body.

Ok, well you may not like me words, but I'm sure you get my point. Too many adverbs are distracting and don't offer much in the way of description. Again, just thoughts for you to ponder.

I think you have a fantastic start here. There are many great elements to your story but I think it could be polished and refined a bit so it can shine as bright as you intended.

I do hope this is taken in the spirit of encouragement for which it was intended. Thanks for sharing.

write on and then write on some more!

*Peace* Kjo just groovin'
22
22
Review of Into the Fog  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note4* *Note4* hey There Chelsea Reese *Note4**Note4*

Opps! I cleared the rating and started over because in the original review, I hit the wrong button on my keyboard and it sent the review before I was finished. Aaarggggh!



Greetings! I found your item on the request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I liked the title of your item. The idea of "Into the Fog" was intriguing. So nice job with the title. This is an account or narrative, if you will about your journey out of the fog of disillusionment and self-destruction it seems. Overall, there is this absorbing aesthetic to your item. Coming out of the fog and facing your demons and going forward in life is quite the journey. I found it to be captivating, written with a lot of passion and hope. it's really about finding your true purpose and then going forward with hope and I could sense this. So well done. excellent!

I don't know that I'd categorize this as a short story. It's a personal journey full of metaphors so it reads more like prose.

I think this was important for to write, even necessary. I can sense the pain you've been through and the hope of coming out of the fog and into the light. I love the supplications in the story...but I must say there were a few places I was a bit confused because in a couple of sentences you mention God but then write it wasn't a divine hand but a familiar one so it sent up a little red flag. maybe you can clarify a bit more?

This has such great promise but it does need a little more proofing. may i make some suggestions?

There were quite a few issues with punctuation. Deciding where to place commas or use other types of punctuation such as semi colons, ect, can be confounding. I still struggle as well. Punctuation can make or break a sentence, if you will, because to many commas can cause choppiness and change the pace and not enough can interfere with the flow. it's difficult to find that balance. What helps me is I read the sentence out loud and where I feel it needs a pause, or i pause naturally, I add a comma. After reading, I copied a few of your sentences to make a few suggestions. I didn't copy them all. I place the added commas in brackets for you.

With each step taken[,] I can feel the weight .

With a few final pull[,] my hand reaches the top of the cliff

Looking back now [,] I hesitate to take my next step

With no visibility[,] I helplessly

Falling to my knees [,]my cries

The above samples were just a few I found. There were also a few issues with grammar. Nothing major and easy to edit if you so desire.

Thoughts that begin to cloud my judgment the further I climb. The previous phrase, is just that, a phrase because it's incomplete. it's missing because it's missing a subject/ verb or a noun/pronoun. With incomplete phrases, it becomes a "fragment". oft times, you can just connect either the previous sentence or the one after to make it complete.

With no visibility I helplessly feel my way towards the Cliff side looking for a way to get to the top. The Top of the cliff is where my destination lay, where I know if I reach out I will be able to touch my awaiting light. In this sentence, there is a bit of repetition in words and a little wordiness. You could rewrite it to flow with more ease.[c:blue} Sometimes keeping it simple is more profound. For instance: I feel helpless under the pull of this fog and yet I know I must get to the top. At this moment, the desire to reach my purpose is stronger than the fear tumbling within because I know the light at the summit of this cliff will redeem me. Or something to that effect. You may not like my words but you get my meaning. yes, I may have used more words...but they each word was used to support the next word which help to support the theme and strengthen the meaning of the sentence.

Falling to my knees my cries take over my body completely. These tears have been trapped for so long, having them release pulls away all the weight that is still baring down on me. Feeling like a cloud floating effortlessly through the endless blue sky. here again, just a little wordiness. I think you could maybe polish and refine this a little. Perhaps: I fall to my knees as sobs wrack my body. The tears fall without shame, cleansing me from within; taking away the weight of my past regressions. My spirit is lifted and I feel as though I'm floating through a cloudless azure sky... Again, just thoughts for you to consider.

As hard as I try not to, I can feel the pull of the demons from my past trying to drag me back to the place I have tried so hard to escape. I think this needs a little rewrite to remove some of the wordiness.

My face, once dry, is now laced with streams of water, I pray that it is the gods raining their healing mist upon me, to save my soul from the black hole engulfing my being. it's best to make every word count. You'll find the sentences will read with more ease and your meaning will be more profound.

bare toes. I don't know that 'bare' is necessary. toes would probably suffice.

I think you have a powerful self-discovery here. You wrote with a lot of emotion and passion and I loved the idea of hope regardless of the demons you face. we all have our Goliaths but there is hope. I love that! This has such grand possibility. it just needs a little more polish and refinement so it can shine as bright as you intended.

i do hope this has been useful

write on and then write on some more!

*Peace* Kjo just groovin



23
23
Review of Into the Fog  
Rated: E | (4.0)

*Note4**Note4*hey There Chelsea Reese *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your item on the request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of shairng one reader's perpsective.

I liked the title of your item. The idea of "Into the Fog" was intriguing. So nice job with the title. This is an account or narrative, if you will about your journey out of the fog of disillushionment and self-destruction it seems. Overall, there is this absorbing aesthetic to your item. Coming out of the fog and facing your demons and going forward in life is quite the journey. I found it to be captivating, written with a lot of passion and hope. it's really about finding your true purpose and then going forward with hope and I could sense this. So well done. {c;blue}excellent!

I don't know that I'd categorize this as a short stort. It's a personal journey full of metaphors so it reads more like prose.

I think this was important for to write, even necessary. I can sense the pain you've been through and the hope of coming out of the fog and into the light. I love the supplications in the story...but I must say there were a few places I was a bit confused because in a couple of sentences you mention God but then write it wasn't a devine hand but a familiar one so it sent up a little red flad. maybe you can clarify a bit more?

This has such great promise but it does need a little more proofing. may i make some suggestions?

There were quite a few issues with punctuation. Deciding where to place commas or use other types of punctuation such as semi colons, ect, can be confounding. I still struggle as well. Punction can make or break a sentence, if you will, because to many commas can cause choppiness and change the pace and not enough can interfer with the flow. it's difficult to find that balance. What helps me is I read the sentence out loud and where I feel it needs apause, or i pause naturally, I add a comma. After reading, I copied a few of your sentences to make afew suggestions. I didn't copy them all. I place the added commas in brackets for you.

With each step taken[,] I can feel the weight .

With a few final pull[,] my hand reaches the top of the cliff

Looking back now [,] I hesitate to take my next step

With no visibility[,] I helplessly

Falling to my knees [,]my cries

The above samples were just afew I found. There were also a few issues with grammar. Nothing major and easy to edit if you so desire.

Thoughts that begin to cloud my judgment the further I climb The previous phrase, is just that, a phrase because it's incomplete. it's missing because it's missing a subject/ verb or a noun/pronoun. With incomplete phrases, it becomes a "fragment". oft times, you can just connect either the previous sentence or the one after to make it complete.

With no visibility I helplessly feel my way towards the Cliffside looking for a way to get to the top. The Top of the cliff is where my destination lay, where I know if I reach out I will be able to touch my awaiting light. In this sentence, there is a bit of repetition in words and a little wordiness. You could rewrite it to flow with more ease. Sometimes keeping it simple is more profound. For instance: I feel helpless under the pull of this fog and yet I know I must get to the top. At this moment, the desire to reach my purpose is stronger than the fear tumbling within because I know the light at the summit of this cliff will redeem me. Or something tothat effect. You may not like my words but you get my meaning. yes, I may have used more words...but they each word was used to support the next word which help to support the theme and strengthen the meaning of the sentence.

Falling to my knees my cries take over my body completely. These tears have been trapped for so long, having them release pulls away all the weight that is still baring down on me. Feeling like a cloud floating effortlessly through the endless blue sky

As hard as I try not to, I can feel the pull of the demons from my past trying to drag me back to the place I have tried so hard to escape


My face, once dry, is now laced with streams of water, I pray that it is the gods raining their healing mist upon me, to save my soul from the black hole engulfing my being.
bare toes
24
24
Rated: E | (4.0)

*Note4**Note4* hey There Aaralyn *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I love the anticipation your story has produced. I think you're off to a great start with your mystery as far as the theme and your character's conflict. excellent!

I was intrigued by your title and the byline. Wonderful title and opening line.It captured my interest.

Sorry that you feel stuck and are not sure how to continue the story. It's your creation...and i think you have a great beginning. Sometimes, we just need to step away from our writings for a day or two or more and then we can get a fresh perspective. I see many ways you can go to further the story...a few ideas perhaps: Your byline suggests..a scent of lavender...your character notices the scent gets stronger as she goes in a certain direction...she follows it and as she gets closer, she discovers a trap door and finds our how to open it then finds her self in the most beautiful bedroom...the lavender scent is making her sleepy, she curls up on the bed and falls into a dream state...and then a Merlin comes to her in her dream and reveals... as she's exploring her surroundings, the eye that's watching her becomes a fog and then the fog becomes the nun from the picture... Well you get my point, there's so many ways you can continue the story.

I do have a few observations and suggestions which may help to polish and refine what you already have.



The scent of lavender was overpowering. That was the first thing she noticed upon waking. In these sentences which I copied ...I love your opening line...it's creative, suggests action and it's intriguing. But I wanted to mention, it's probably not a good idea to begin a sentence with 'that'. You could combine the two together. And it will help with the pace and the flow. Too many short sentences create a choppiness in the flow. For instance: The scent of lavender was overpowering as she woke, hovering over her like a mist yet she couldn't see it, just smell its calming properties. or something to that effect. I'm sure you get my point.


A million questions started flowing through her head one after another. Where was she? Why was she here? And more importantly who had brought her here? Here again, it's best not to begin a sentence with superfluous words such as 'that' or with conjunctions such as 'and, but, or, ...ect." Perhaps you could fuse the sentence together such as: A million questions rushed through her head. Where was she, why was she here and how on earth did she get here? The possible answers forced her body to shiver..sending chills up her spine." Also watch your word choices. As you can see, I replaced 'flowing' with rushed, because it seemed like a better choice...a stronger word choice for the situation. Just a thought to consider Another example of word choices is the following sentence I copied. You wrote: Slowly she spun in a slow circle to take in her surroundings. You used slow twice and then you used 'spun' it's not incorrect, but 'spun' seems fast to me...not slow...so it's a bit of a contradiction? Again, just thoughts for you to consider.

I also wanted to mention the use of adverbs. For such a short introduction to your story...you used quite a few and some you used more than once like slowly. Adverbs can create a laziness in our writing and tend to 'tell' a story more than they 'show' the story unfolding. it is a trap writers fall into. I have to catch myself as well. Adverbs can most often, just be omitted with out losing any meaning in the sentence so they don't offer much in description, but if you replace the one adverb with more word which are more descriptive...the scene or setting or character, becomes more visual to the reader.


The building she was in seemed to be made of stone, perhaps it was a castle? The room appeared to be very archaic. Everything was of excellent quality. When the previous set of sentences, I just wanted to caution on using too many short sentences, they do affect the flow of a story. You could combine them: The building seemed to be made of stone like a castle. Every where her eyes wandered, she was reminded of archaic times yet, there was a sense of elegance and quality.


She whirled around only to see nothing except glass shards on the ground and a broken window. This was good in the way that it meant she would finally find out what the outside surroundings looked like and how high up she was. I think you could refine these sentences a bit so they flow with more ease. She whirled around to see glass shards on the ground and a broken window sending in a cool breeze. Surprise lit up in her eyes; excellent she thought, maybe now I can get a better idea of where I am. When she gazed out the window, disappointment crept over her face and her heart sunk because she saw nothing , nothing outside the window for miles.

Again, just thoughts for you to consider.


I see the possibilities of your story and I think you're off to a grand beginning. It's this little gem of a story that needs just a little polishing so it can shine as brilliant as you intended.

There are many successful elements of short-story writing here. there is intrigue and action, and mystery with a character who has conflict to overcome...I love sense of anticipation you've created. *Wink*

I do hope you found this useful.

Write on and then write on some more! Thanks for sharing...and best of luck with continuing your story!

*Peace* Kjo just groovin'



25
25
Review of Mary Ann  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There New Beginnings *Note**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I think you have a fine story here. It reads with ease and it seems you used your words wisely with very little wordiness and just enough description and history without bogging the reader's down with too many details. So great job with keeping it simple with a few surprises.

It seems like you have a good handle on the importance of proofreading and editing. There were few to no errors in grammar and in the mechanics of writing! WooHoo! This not only helps the overall story unfold with greater ease, but also helps to keep the reader engaged, especially if they're not tripping over errors. excellent job with presenting a polished and professional story.

Overall, I think you've exhibited some effective elements of short-story writing. Yeah Bravo!

I do have a couple minor observations if I may?

I felt the opening sentence was a bit too casual since this is not a place Susan has ever been. Perhaps instead of "Sit any where you like. I'll bring you a menu." The raven-haired lady, Samantha, strolled up to Susan you could write: The raven-haired waitress strolled up to Susan." with this minor change, the reader's are identifying that the raven-haired lady is not a 'friend' but a stranger who happens to be a waitress. It makes more sense to me since Susan doesn't know her and has never been to this diner, ? Just a thought for you to consider.

The only other thought I have is...what makes Susan so trusting and vulnerable? Would she really impose on strangers and perhaps place her and her baby's life in danger? So if you are going to leave it as it is...perhaps you can add a little history on Susan...such as When she has her self-talk moments...perhaps she could also say...'my momma warned me many-a-time not to be so trusting.' Or something to that effect. this will help to make the scenes where Susan allows Marianna to take her home more believable.

As it is right now, I question the believability of Susan just throwing all caution in to the wind...especially when she seems to be an otherwise, smart girl.

I wouldn't say your story is original or titillating, but it is overall well written and you did keep my interest. Your writing is solid and I like the few unexpected twists. Excellent!

Thanks for sharing your story. I do hope you found this useful. If you decided to submit, best of luck!

Write on and then write on some more!

*Peace*Kjo just groovin,
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