| Hey There BIG BAD WOLF
Greetings! found your story on the request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.
I think your story was original and creative. So well done!
Overall, your theme kept me interested and my curiosity high. I wanted to know what was going to happen next. So this is a good thing.
You presented the readers with a theme, gave us supporting action and suspense and then gave us a nice little chuckle with the ending line. For me, the last line was the highlight, , in which your obvious humor shined through.
I will say, there were some high moments and some low moments in the story as well.
Some of the high moments I already mentioned. I'd also like to comment on what I thought were some of the low moments and make some observations if I may?
There was on line the author made which I felt was a bit of a stereotype and I must say, I was a bit offended. Of course I'm just one reader, and maybe it wouldn't bother anyone else. It had to do with the comment made by the first "triple danger" Julia when she compared his to a entire ethnic group. I wonder, was this necessary to the story? Sometimes, it's important as writers to ask the question, how does this comment relate to the conflict or the theme or the character, ect. The author might discover, the comment isn't necessary and has no pertinence to the story as a whole. As you know, writer's have a huge responsibility. I had a spot on, very astute English teacher once tell me; "if you think it's clever, it probably isn't" This one small, statement has had a huge impact on me as a writer especially when I consider this "huge responsibility." I'm not criticising you, by any means, just making an observation.
Also, while this story is, without a doubt, fiction, there is a level of 'believability that must exist in order for the reader to believe the actions of the character, the conflict, the plot ect. While I felt it was creative and original, I'm not sure I believed. Part of this is because, Rodger didn't seem that much in pain when Julia pretty much severed him. It was yeow for a minute and the author mentioned blood but as I reader, I didn't feel his pain. This was in part due to the lack of overall 'emotion' in the story and because I felt the reader was 'telling' us about the pain rather than showing t he reader how much pain Rodger must have been in. Showing, whenever possible is always preferred over 'telling.'
I did find a few small errors in grammar. Nothing major.
What are you going to me? For instance, this sentence seems to be missing a word.
Now where would the fun be if I let you leave without you paying for all of the worry you've caused your wife. [?] a question mark ? In this sentence, I felt it was a bit wordy. More so than what some crazed chick might say right before she's about to deliver some pretty severe punishment. Just some thoughts for you to ponder. I like to say, oft times, it's best to keep it simple; choosing less words, yet words with more impact or substance. Again, just a thought to consider.
and another woman were in another room... . You may want to consider a different word to cut back on the repetition.
And last, I'd like to mention adverbs. Adverbs, as you know are useful and oft times, even necessary. Most often then not, our sentences are better off without them. Adverbs tend to trap writers in a lazy zone. They don't offer much description, and they can be removed from a sentence without losing any meaning. I tend to think, the over use of adverbs creates a more 'tell' then 'show' quality in our stories. Even if the writer were to replace one adverb with more, words, the result is most often, a more polished, descriptive and active sentence.
For instance, take the following sentence I copied from your story. "Then she started to crack it experimentally." How important is the adverb 'experimentally' to the whole of the sentence? What does the reader learn from this word? If you were to remove the word altogether, something a bit more exciting happens to the sentence because it allows the reader to wonder, how is she cracking it? And we become involved and curious. As you know, this could be a good thing. However, if the writer was to take it one step further and replace the adverb with more words, then the action, the conflict comes alive to the reader and perhaps we can envision the action unfolding while giving us insight into the character, the action or the conflict. Example: Then she started to crack it and he felt the swoosh of air as it came just a millimeter away from his skin. The large smack resounded in his ears causing the hairs on the back of his neck to rise up as fear coursed through his body.
Ok, well you may not like me words, but I'm sure you get my point. Too many adverbs are distracting and don't offer much in the way of description. Again, just thoughts for you to ponder.
I think you have a fantastic start here. There are many great elements to your story but I think it could be polished and refined a bit so it can shine as bright as you intended.
I do hope this is taken in the spirit of encouragement for which it was intended. Thanks for sharing.
write on and then write on some more!
Kjo just groovin'