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Review Requests: OFF
1,502 Public Reviews Given
1,747 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to be honest and write about how I feel and what I see. It doesn't mean I'm always right - it means I'm telling you how your work affects me. I'll try to tell you the good with the bad, but don't expect fluff. Fluff sucks.
I'm good at...
Looking at format, spelling and some punctuation...except commas. I hate commas.
Least Favorite Genres
Technical essays, overly detailed fantasies and poetry.
I will not review...
Items that show no obvious effort at editing before promoting for review. If you spell "i" instead of "I", I will close the page and not review it. We're not idiots here.
Public Reviews
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426
426
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello Yodeller
Welcome to Writing.com!
This is a fine expression of lost love.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line 3: "cuz" ~ Write out as 'cause or because.
*Bullet*Line 12: "alright" ~ "all right"
*Bullet*Line 14: "Shen" ~ "Then"
*Bullet*Line 17: "as the weather" ~ As the weather did what?
*Bullet*Line 21: "Nothings like it" ~ "Nothing"
*Bullet*Line 29: "you've already tred" ~ "tried"
*Bullet*The poem seems to be missing a lot of commas, paste it in Word and try adding.

Overall, the poem had an interesting rhythm.

Regards,
Kim

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427
427
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Penwrath
A decidedly wolfish story! *Smile* I liked the twist at the ending.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"and the people always confused because they couldn’t understand how the plants stayed green without rain" Intro works better without this line.
*Bullet*" Before he’d grown so old, he’d sometimes thought of running away and joining a circus. But then again, Emperor had never heard of a circus traveling through the land where the sky was always blue." Distracting, cut from story.
*Bullet*gloopy tears....gloopy?
*Bullet*absurdedly long skirts ~ Why did you need "absurdedly"?

Overall, an interesting tale.

Regards,
Kim
428
428
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Donielle25

I loved this Prayer. It was lovely and thought provoking. If it encourages one person into action, then you have succeeded! Bless you for posting.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line 10: " send and angel to her punctuate
*Bullet*Line 14: "Can yYou reach out"
*Bullet*Line 26, 29, 30, 34 and 37: You/Your capitalization as above.

My favorite phrase *Heart*: "Waiting, so that when you need us
We will be there."

Overall, a great write.

Regards,
Kim

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429
429
Review of The Wind  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Allen Smith
Welcome to Writing.com! I hope you're enjoying your membership in our community.
I really loved this poem. On so many levels, you created some wonderful images along with a great rhythm.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"And for awhile we stood and talked" ~ "a while"
*Bullet*"us all to plethora" ~ The meaning is awkward.
The last line was my most favorite. *Heart*

Overall, a great read. Thanks for posting your work!

Regards,
Kim

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430
430
Review of Pen or Keyboard?  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello InkSlinger
Hey! Cool poll!
I chose my most often used medium but do use others.
I was curious to see if anyone had clicked "Scrawling in the dirt with a stick" *Laugh* Now that would have been funny.
I read somewhere that it's cathartic to write your worries in the sand and let the ocean wash them away, perhaps it's the same theory?
Also, a belated welcome to Writing.com! I hope you are enjoying your membership in our community. Thanks for posting your poll.
Regards,
Kim

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431
Review of Storm of Passion  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello 444
Welcome to Writing.com, I hope you enjoy our community.
Pretty free verse, I liked it!
It's a popular erotic wish. *Wink*
My favorite image was the "watchful dark night".

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line 4: "In this moment we are sinking into" ~ Would read better with one "in" or "into".

Overall, well done! Write on!

Regards,
Kim

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432
Review of *Chained*  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello *RaiN*
I found your item on the Request Reviews page.
I liked your poem, the anger and sadness of an ended relationship was portrayed well.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Perhaps reverse the first two lines. To me it reads smoother that way.
*Heart*Favorite phrase:
I still exist in the delusion,
The illusion
Of love
*Smile*

Overall, an excellent write. Write on!

Regards,
Kim

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433
433
Review of Save Your Breath  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello colingall
Hi there! Welcome to Writing.com.

This is a cool poem of the narrator separating from an ugly situation, it almost feels like lyrics.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line 4, 12, 15, 25, 28: Capitalize "I"
*Bullet*Line 8: dial "tone"
*Bullet*Line 44: "eachother" ~ "each other"

Overall, I found the poetry interesting.

Regards,
Kim

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Review of Words  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Ash Night
Welcome to Writing.com *Smile*
Great poetry! You painted a very cool image with your words in this poem. I really enjoyed it. My favorite phrase was "ice the bones and still the blood". *Shock* Creepy!

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line 5 & 14, typo "teh" ~ "the"
*Bullet*Line 11, try to lengthen, to help the rhythm.

Overall, I liked the poem and could see the image you created. Well done!

Regards,
Kim

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435
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello Forge
Welcome to Writing.com. You have a really great idea for a poem here, it almost feels like a song, nice flow.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line 5/6: When reading aloud, the end of 5 "you" and beginning of 6 "you'll, feels repetitive.
*Bullet*Line 12: "Use" seems like a harsh word in this poem. Perhaps rewrite that line.

Overall, a pretty, lyrical tribute to love. Well done.

Regards,
Kim

Sig which I animated.
436
436
Review of A Reality Day  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Ronbgone
Wow! What a poignant story. While I had a hard time with the beginning, it read a bit like a laundry list...you definitely warmed up to your story and showed it well.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*First off, line breaks between paragraphs are helpful for your reader.
*Bullet*Next, try to add a bit more emotion to dressing at the start. It feels too much like a list to me. Perhaps because dressing is a part of the ritual of preparedness.
*Bullet*Paragraph 7: Typo "understnad" ~ "understand".
*Bullet*Paragraph 14: "Hearst" ~ "hearse" is the funeral vehicle.
*Bullet*Scenes at memorial and cemetary: perhaps build in more of the feelings of the people attending.
*Bullet*Last paragraph: Don't explain your feelings during edit, perhaps add the circumstances of the death in the format of a report.
*Bullet*Keep your last two sentences...a very good ending.

Overall, a great write, but I'd like to see more feeling built into it. Perhaps some of the narrator's sadness at home as he ritually dresses and how he hides the pain at attention. I liked how you showed feeling during the gun salute. Well done.

Regards,
Kim

A patriotic signature.
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437
Review of Difficult People  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello tomorrow
I liked this prose, the format you chose helped with the rhythm of the read.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Check your work, there should be spaces after commas.
*Bullet*"inconciderate" ~ "inconsiderate"
*Bullet*"They go on and on and on about this, and that thing or another"

Overall, I liked how the projection of difficult people came back around to the narrator at the end. Well done.

Regards,
Kim

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438
Review of The Haunt  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Topazknight
Welcome to Writing.com!
This was creepy! You did a good job with your imagery. I could feel the dust and hairy creepers. I especially liked your squeaks and shrieks of the steps.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line 7 seems overlong, probably can be reworded.
*Bullet*I loved the "large, hairy legs creep o'er arm and hand" *Shock*

Overall, great scare factor. *Smile*

Regards,
Kim

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439
439
Review of My Wife My Life  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello ran
Wow! Welcome to Writing.com! I'm so glad I clicked on your work.
This is so strong, and I loved the twist at the end, showing what the narrator was truly married to. Excellent job!

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"til you" ~ "until" or "'til"
*Bullet*"workdays" ~ if you meant "workday is done", you'll need an apostrophe
*Bullet*The fifth line could be dropped to the second stanza and still work.

Overall, stunning work. Write on!

Regards,
Kim

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440
Review of Time For Work  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello pml_91

I like this, great descriptive work. You showed how a lot of people feel in the morning on their way to work, the coffee shop being the morning salvation.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*thirty minutes from his place of work,( at walking pace) ~ How about "a thirty minute's walk from his place of work"?
*Bullet*Paragraph 6: what is the purpose of bringing the woman in? To show he's slowly waking and noticing his surroundings?
*Bullet*Paragraph 7: This goes with P6, if he heard her speaking at the stand, he had already arrived. You could take out the first sentence.
*Bullet*"great sigh of desperation bore from the pit of his stomach" ~ why was he feeling desperate?

Overall, an interesting peek into your man's morning. *Smile*

Regards,
Kim

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441
Review of Ice Angel  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Amethyst Rose
Nice song! This would definitely cheer me up.
I'm not really sure what the rhythm would be for this as a song, but it stands up nicely as a poem.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line 8 seems really long, not sure how that would fit into a metered song.
*Bullet*My favorite *Heart* part was the refrain. Well done!
*Bullet*Perhaps add a line after this one: My fallen angel of sorrow,

Overall, a pretty cool song.

Regards,
Kim

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442
442
Review of Seasons of Life  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Shoney
I really liked this poem. It brought to mind pretty night images.
Adding a lesson to learn inside the poem was quite witty
.
Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*night's great beasts unroll. ~ A personal comment, I didn't understand this line. I couldn't imagine what was unrolling.

Overall, good rhythm and imagery. Write on!

Regards,
Kim

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443
Review of Outside  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello undertow
I liked this poem. It felt like you were narrating from the inside. Well done.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line 1: "horizan" ~ "horizon"
*Bullet*Line 6: "can not" ~ "cannot" seems more comfortable.
*Bullet*Last line: capitalize like the rest.

Overall, I liked the images you produced in your poetry. Write on!

Regards,
Kim

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444
Review of Never too late  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello gotta_hope
Welcome to Writing.com *Smile*
I realize this is a partial of a story but it seems like you're definitely on the right track. I enjoyed reading this. *Delight*

Comments and suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet* ‘why do I suffer 50 weeks ~ Thoughts don't get quotation marks.
*Bullet*pubescent pile of spot cream ~ Funny! *Laugh*
*Bullet*There should be line breaks when you change speakers in dialog.
         Also line breaks between paragraphs make it easier to read.
*Bullet*"actually 50 minutes now I had finished" ~ "now that" or "since"?
*Bullet*"Mr Davids,” Mr Hill" ~ Period after Mr.

Overall, I liked the extract and look forward to reading the entire story.
Well done!

Regards,
Kim

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445
445
Review of J of N  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Shoney
Great poem! It raises some interesting and provocative questions.
I think it will cause your readers to at least stop and think about the subject.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line 14: Might want to rewrite. It's redundant of Line 13 but hang on to the gentle theme.
*Bullet*Line 21 and 23: Redundant on the word "really".

Overall, good work!

Regards,
Kim

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446
446
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Paradox

Welcome to Writing.com!
What a beautiful, fanciful poem. It made me want to go out and dance too! It brought to my mind images of silver tinkling bells and fairies dancing in the moonlight.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line 9: "Lightfoot yet dance for me
*Bullet*Line 12: I'm not sure "O'" should be a capital.

Overall, a delightful write.

Regards,
Kim

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447
447
Review of Concrete Madness  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Hello!

Welcome to Writing.com! I hope you're enjoying our community.
Cool haiku!

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*For better presentation, some space above and below the poem.
*Bullet*Perhaps center your haiku on the page using the {center} tag.
*Bullet*Third line, "and the" perhaps instead of those use: "fearful elders pray" ~ merely my opinion.

Overall, you created a great image. I remember those dog days of summer. LOL Write on!

Regards,
Kim

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448
448
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Schreiben-Gal
Welcome to Writing.com!
I chose to read your prose because I love hummingbirds too. How many legion love those tireless streaks of colored wonder buzzing through their gardens?
Your work was very informative but still showed your love of the bird.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Peace he found there in Ecuador writing about you ~ I think reversal of the line would flow better. "He found peace there in Ecuador, writing about you
*Bullet*Only the best photograph can ~ "photographer"?

Overall, a great subject for prose. *Bigsmile* Write On!

Regards,
Kim

Pink Tulip Signature
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449
Review of Running Time  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello James Merchant
Welcome to Writing.com!
You have some great scenes here. Very emotional.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*11.
He leans forward.

Sort yourself out.
A bit confusing, who leans forward?

*Bullet*17. The father picks up the ten year old? More likely, he'd just drag him out.

Overall, a great short. You could expand more on the screenplay, flashing back to the mother leaving, and perhaps showing David as an adult, a now famous director. Write on!

Regards,
Kim

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Review of Dead Leaves  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello KevG
Great flash! You've got the knack for making a scene with few words.
Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*The classroom was colder than usual. A thick, dark cloud of foreboding lingered in the air. ~~~ Break down into one shorter sentence.
*Bullet*Some sort of unlikely accident had blasted... ~~~ Tighten this, don't be passive! Say what kind of accident happened.
*Bullet*As reality and the sub-conscious freely intertwined, I screamed out in desperation as loud as I could in the classroom: but before I could force out the words Dad had lost his grip and Clayton was sucked from the plane. ~~~ Tighten this too, make the point of her screaming, then pop to the image of Clayton sucked from the plane.
*Bullet*Clayton was gone. Like a dead leaf in the breeze. ~~~ Suggest: Like a dead leaf in the breeze, Clayton was gone. Has more finality.

Overall, I enjoyed your entry. Good luck!

Regards,
Kim

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