*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/legerdemain/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/19
Review Requests: OFF
1,502 Public Reviews Given
1,747 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to be honest and write about how I feel and what I see. It doesn't mean I'm always right - it means I'm telling you how your work affects me. I'll try to tell you the good with the bad, but don't expect fluff. Fluff sucks.
I'm good at...
Looking at format, spelling and some punctuation...except commas. I hate commas.
Least Favorite Genres
Technical essays, overly detailed fantasies and poetry.
I will not review...
Items that show no obvious effort at editing before promoting for review. If you spell "i" instead of "I", I will close the page and not review it. We're not idiots here.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 15 16 17 18 -19- 20 21 22 23 24 ... Next
451
451
Review of Dead Leaves  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello KevG
Great flash! You've got the knack for making a scene with few words.
Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*The classroom was colder than usual. A thick, dark cloud of foreboding lingered in the air. ~~~ Break down into one shorter sentence.
*Bullet*Some sort of unlikely accident had blasted... ~~~ Tighten this, don't be passive! Say what kind of accident happened.
*Bullet*As reality and the sub-conscious freely intertwined, I screamed out in desperation as loud as I could in the classroom: but before I could force out the words Dad had lost his grip and Clayton was sucked from the plane. ~~~ Tighten this too, make the point of her screaming, then pop to the image of Clayton sucked from the plane.
*Bullet*Clayton was gone. Like a dead leaf in the breeze. ~~~ Suggest: Like a dead leaf in the breeze, Clayton was gone. Has more finality.

Overall, I enjoyed your entry. Good luck!

Regards,
Kim

** Image ID #1070226 Unavailable **
452
452
Review of David  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Peter Curtis
This is a good depiction of an experience in a concentration camp.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"They were going to Awsatiz." ~ The internet is at your fingertips, do a little research. "Auschwitz"
*Bullet*Format: It helps to have line breaks between paragraphs and whenever you change speakers.
*Bullet*Content: Add more feeling to your story instead of recounting all David's steps, how did he feel? For example, when the men receive the stew...they could gag, then force it down.
*Bullet*Characters: Give your characters description. What did they look like?

Overall, a good job wrapping up the ending. I liked how David didn't scream and cry.

Regards,
Kim

Night signature
453
453
Review of Tommy's Rainbow  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello kiyasama
I really liked your story!
Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*The first large paragraph when Tommy wakes is a little rambly and would lose the interest of a child. Get to the point of the report card and describe Tommy's fear.
*Bullet*"They only show up in the early months, take all the gold and run away. They should be gone by now.” ~ Was Tommy at the end of a rainbow? It's a bit confusing, the suit, the mention of leprechauns, but no real rainbow.
*Bullet*Would a child understand the fairies singing in "one voice"? Or, altogether, sounding like one voice...?
*Bullet*Now, Tommy promises to be a good boy, but all kids promise to be good. Perhaps the Man, knowing he might still be naughty on occasion, decides to help him...see? I would think a child would nod, understanding how hard it is to be good.
*Bullet*"and the faint but hearty laughter of the jolly old Man" ~ I think "faint, hearty laughter" would be less confusing.

Overall, a sweet story with a nice moral. Well done!

Regards,
Kim

** Image ID #1052067 Unavailable **
Night signature
454
454
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello desolate_fiend
A beautiful write. I felt so heavy and sad after reading. You described your loss and unwillingness so well. I thought at first I would not like your phrases in paretheses, but after reading, they worked well for you as asides. I have no suggestions for edit, it works well as is. My favorite phrase: "I shall only allocate it to be completed by a lone hand", so many can relate! Kudos.
Regards,
Kim
** Image ID #1052067 Unavailable **
Logo for Writing.Com Moderators - small.
Night signature
455
455
Review of Rendezvous  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Mad_Hugger

Great story, relevant for today's times when many people don't take the time to develop relationships outside thier jobs. Per your request, some comments about the story.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*He was literally burying himself into his work. ~ Obvious statement, is it needed? You've spent three paragraphs stating his obsession. It would be better to get on with a few sentences and then describe his issues as the story went along. This happens often in your story, where you TELL your reader, instead of SHOW them. You also need to return to this theme near the end of the story. How he needed this part of his life away from work.
*Bullet*The caps...You're using caps in your story for emphasis and you don't need them. Your wording will do that for you.
*Bullet*Insert the paragraph of Anna knocking on Bill's car window in the timeline where it occurs. I got thrown off in the next paragraph when Anna is farther back in time and dressing.
*Bullet*off “the situation.” ~ off "the situation".
*Bullet*Mentally, Anna screamed “oh, no you don’t!” ~ Two sentences.
*Bullet*“But what if she doesn’t love me enough?” ~ No quotes, it's not aloud. When conscience is speaking you don't need quotes, italics is sometimes used.
*Bullet*The first O without penetration, hmm, are we rushing things?
*Bullet*guiding him where she wanted him to be ~ Where's that? Don't chicken out now.
*Bullet* And found that that passion continues to grow. ~ And the passion continues to grow.

I liked *Heart*:
"Bill’s company consisted mainly of reggae tracks from Shaggy" *Laugh*
I liked the innner dialog, it will get better as you tighten the story.

Overall, needs a bit of revision, but you have an excellent base to work from.

Regards,
Kim


** Image ID #1052067 Unavailable **
456
456
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello melliebrod

What a cute poem! We all remember how afraid we were of the dark.
I liked your point of view and how you showed what the shadows really were.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*and giving me aand scare.
*Bullet*why they creep
*Bullet*just go away but, ~ Move to next line.
*Bullet*badly that
*Bullet*for to my parents
*Bullet*relief I feel that

Overall, a sweet bedtime poem to remind a child of what those "monsters" are.
Well done!

Regards,
Kim

** Image ID #1052067 Unavailable **
457
457
Review of A Love Poem  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Bluestone
What a lovely poem, I could feel the heartache in it. I like how this was crafted, is it a particular form?
*Cut*The only edit suggestion is for the line: "Let meadows be your freedom, touched with dew," ~ the freedom is touched with dew?
Overall, an enjoyable write.
Regards,
Kim
Pink Tulip Signature
458
458
Review of On a Falling Star  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Bluestone
Bravo! An excellent poem.
In so few lines, a wonderful statement about mortality. It sure makes a person think about it. I really enjoyed this. No suggestion for edit. I hope to see more such poetry in your port. Well done!
Regards,
Kim
Pink Tulip Signature
459
459
Review of Silent Sickness  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Bluestone
Definitely abstract. *Smile* I did enjoy the man being an onion stem. *Laugh*
The only suggestion I'd have for edit would be spaces on either side of the slash.
A great winner in the contest. Well done!
Regards,
Kim
Pink Tulip Signature
460
460
Review of Awakening  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello M Hague Bailey
Excellent story! You wove this very well. I had misgivings when first starting to read the story but you pulled your reader in and gave your characters good emotion. Your back history paragraph was perfect, just the right amount. The only question left open was as to what Samael's aspirations were. Crusade against God for what?
Suggestions for edit *Cut*
*Bullet*bodies that where wearing armor ~ "were"
*Bullet*smell the sin in this one ~ One what...being?
*Bullet*causes me stomach to turn ~ "my"
Overall, an enjoyable story. I'd love to see more stories of Olivier's life.
Regards,
Kim
** Image ID #1070226 Unavailable **
461
461
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello rusticraven
I can tell you put your heart into this poem.
I like the ending, "this too shall pass", it always will.
Suggestions for edit *Cut*
*Bullet*Always capitalize "I". Always.
*Bullet*Spelling "ligth" ~ "light"

Overall, I liked reading this.
Welcome to Writing.com. I hope you're finding your way around the site and all its features.
Regards,
Kim
** Image ID #1070226 Unavailable **
462
462
Review of Surprising Love  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello hazeleyedhunnee
What a sweet tribute to the one you love!
Some suggestions for edit *Cut*
*Bullet*"hipnotized" ~ "hypnotized
*Bullet*"i want to love" ~ Always capitalize "I".
*Bullet*Brief description: "Please DO NOT COPY" ~ You are protected by your copyright, see "Copyright Policy" at the bottom of the page.
Overall, you did a nice job of describing your feelings.
Regards,
Kim
** Image ID #1070226 Unavailable **
Logo for Writing.Com Moderators - small.
463
463
Review of Different  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello shearoku
Interesting poem! I agree that a person can be prejudiced just by the color of their skin.
Suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"were blind comma you'd hear my voice"
*Bullet*"And just because"
*Bullet*"no longer musical" ~ All your other lines start with a capital.
Overall, a great statement. Write on!
Regards,
Kim
** Image ID #1070226 Unavailable **
Logo for Writing.Com Moderators - small.
464
464
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Kaytie Jay
What a sweet poem! So cute that the little boy meant no harm. I just loved this!
Suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"and hes drawn" ~ "he's"
*Bullet*"Its on the new" ~ "It's"
*Bullet*"mummy" ~ Capitalize.
*Bullet*"she was already" ~ The rest of your lines start with a capital.
Overall, a lovable write. Write on!
Regards,
Kim
** Image ID #845799 Unavailable **
Logo for Writing.Com Moderators - small.
465
465
Review of Trash  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello Nick13
Hey, this is a pretty cool write. Almost cynical and satirical, which I often like to read.
Suggestions for edit *Cut*:
Minor, mostly.
*Bullet*First off, format. How about some line breaks between paragraphs. Spread out "Nothing. Nothing. Nothing." on separate lines. More dramatic.
*Bullet*Spelling: Some errors here. Spell check is a wonderful tool!
"titled ‘trash’" ~ Usually capitalized.
"in a dieing Sharpie" ~ "dying"
"into the poet’s hart" ~ "heart", unless the gunman shot the poet's rabbit.

Overall, an ironic write. Good work.
Regards,
Kim
** Image ID #1070226 Unavailable **
Logo for Writing.Com Moderators - small.
466
466
Review of The Great Flood  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Chester Chumley
You have me laughing! A very amusing anecdote.
You spun your tale well, I wished to see the faces of the tenants who discovered #6's images. The other two top spots of remembrance are quite funny too.
No suggestions for edit, I enjoyed your story.
Write on!
Regards,
Kim
** Image ID #1029784 Unavailable **
Logo for Writing.Com Moderators - small.
467
467
Review of Try The Uni  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya Bill,
Great amusing story. There's a lot of sushi out there I haven't tried and I'm definitely adding this to the list of things not to try. You spin this tale very well, I could see the sushi bar and patrons well. (Uh, were did the pig testicle image come from?) I laughed aloud on that one.
Great story, keep writing!
Kim
468
468
Review of Sleepless  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello sean burns
A pretty tribute to your devotion.
Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Spelling: untill/until; extravagent/extravagant
*Bullet*"will get to sleep tonight," ~ No comma.
*Bullet*"holds my mind so," ~ Reads better without "so".
I liked the phrase *Heart*: "in the mist of the night" *Smile*
Overall, lovely prose.
Regards,
Kim
Review Bear signature
Logo for Writing.Com Moderators - small.
469
469
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello RoyHemmer
Welcome to Writing.com!
What an amusing anecdote! You did a great job unfolding this story before my eyes. I laughed at the image brought to mind of your dad becoming landborn and stumbling/falling in front of the car. Very funny!
*Cut*My only suggestion for edit would be to review your writing for tense issues. Define the place where you move from reminiscing in the past to showing the skiing scene in present tense.
Overall a great story. Write on!
Regards,
Kim
Review Bear signature
Logo for Writing.Com Moderators - small.
470
470
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello WizardofOwls
I love this story! What a great play off a classic.
Minor suggestions for edit:
1)You don't really need your preface. It's not important to your reader how you came up with your story. And we will let you know what we think. *Wink*
2)"wonderful, magical sound called the hole back into existence" ~ I don't really associate opening a book with a "sound". Perhaps: "and in that wonderful, magical moment, the hole was called back into existence, " Merely my opinion.
Overall, a fantastic short. I'll be featuring it in the Short Story newsletter at the end of the month.
Regards,
Kim

Sig which I animated.
Logo for Writing.Com Moderators - small.
Check this out! "Special Number Page - Do Not Delete"  Enter by Feb. 14th!
471
471
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello aea
An interesting letter but quite hard to read at the moment. Please spend some time in edit and arrange your lines properly. A letter form for telling a story is a good choice. I liked the last line, Choose, and choose well. Very nice.
Overall, after edit, a good write.
Regards,
Kim
Sig which I animated.
Logo for Writing.Com Moderators - small.
472
472
Review of Mystic Tears  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Snake
A great ghastly poem! You did an excellent job painting your horror images. I especially liked the last stanza.
Only suggestion for edit would be to change "tinge" to "tinged". Seems to flow better that way. Merely a comment.
Overall, well done!
Regards,
Kim

Review Bear signature
Logo for Writing.Com Moderators - small.
Check this out! "Special Number Page - Do Not Delete"  Enter by Feb. 14th!
473
473
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello notleo
Beautiful prose. I enjoyed the images you painted, especially: "a tapestry of the finest silk". An excellent image of the night sky.
Suggestion for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"She was my life and my life is hers." ~ was/is Check your work for tense issues.
Overall, nice work.
Regards,
Kim

{center:image:842310}
Logo for Writing.Com Moderators - small.
Check this out! "Special Number Page - Do Not Delete"  Enter by Feb. 14th!
474
474
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello SWP
You have some great ideas here for a write.
I don't have any comments on grammar in this review, but something about your content.
One of the golden rules in writing is to "show, not tell". Unfortunately, you're doing some telling here.
For example:
*Bullet*"Many candles reflect how many nights have passed." ~ This is a tell. You're telling your reader many nights have passed.
*Bullet*Since you're describing your room, you could write: "The overbearing table in the center of the room was littered with melted stumps of candles."
Your reader can make the jump in assumption that the candles were not burned all in one night and that many nights have probably passed.
Some phrases that created interesting images:
*Bullet*"travelling between mindless white clouds and relaxed water"
*Bullet*"lightly sits the aroma or mellow spice of pipe tobacco"
*Bullet*"long gold-colored staff with a fancy curled top that represent a cobra head"
Overall, try and work on describing these without telling your reader what they are. Write on!
Some helpful links:
"Invalid Item" 
"Show and Tell" 
Regards,
Kim
Sig which I animated.
Logo for Writing.Com Moderators - small.
Check this out! "Special Number Page - Do Not Delete"  Enter by Feb. 14th!
475
475
Review of Friend or Faux?  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Indian_In_The_House
An amusing write. I had to break out m-w for feist.
Don't see that used too often.
Edit suggestions *Cut*
*Bullet* The caps don't really seem necessary at the end. Your reader gets what you're saying. Really, for that matter, the same goes for the curse. Assume your reader has some intelligence.
Overall, a great compliation.
Regards,
Kim
Sig which I animated.
Logo for Writing.Com Moderators - small.
Check this out! "Special Number Page - Do Not Delete"  Enter by Feb. 14th!
579 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 24 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/legerdemain/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/19