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401
401
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*ButterflyV* Hi, LifeLessons here!! Stopping by to review this piece.*Vine2* *Vine2* *Vine2*

*Vine2* What i enjoyed about the title:
I certainly did not relate the title to what was written here. I am thinking another title maybe?

*Vine2* What I enjoyed about this piece
This piece felt haunting and dark. Good job with that. I think your character is evil, maybe an alien? The little girl coming to light in the dim hallways was creepy without a doubt. The term "meat bag" left me wondering who or what is this thing?

*Vine2* Things I see you could improve on:
A few things I would like to cover and these are only suggestions.
I believe your character as you put it "the man" should be clarified on a deeper level. Who is he?
There are many questions left in this story and you may want to revise and give it more depth to help your reader follow a solid story.
He hadn't meant to scare the child; the mansions dreary hallways weren't notorious for good lighting.
He did not mean to scare the child but the mansions were notorious for bad lighting.

and balling like their were was no tomorrow
and balling like there was no tomorrow


He signed, and humorously “face palmed” ; Cursing his damn luck of having to now find the parents to this blasted meat bag.

"face palmed" is not really something you want in your story. It is a street saying but not all readers know what this means. You could describe it as: He signed and humorously placed his hand on his forehead while cursing his damn luck. Now feeling he had to find the parents of this blasted meat bag.
There is no reason for using the semi colon or the capital to cursing.
These are only a couple of errors but I do suggest you revise this to make this story a great thriller. You want to use words that describe the situation with clarity.
*Vine2* Overall:
I think you have the bones of a good story here. Take the time to put the effort into your work and you will see great results.

*Vine2* Final thoughts:
I hope to read this again once you have touched it up. Thanks for sharing.



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402
402
Review of Rays of Hope  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*ButterflyV* Hi, LifeLessons here!! Stopping by to review this piece.*Vine2* *Vine2* *Vine2*

*Vine2* What i enjoyed about the title:
This title drew me in to want to read on. It suits this poem very well.

*Vine2* What I enjoyed about this piece
I really liked the strength that you painted in this poem. The narrator seems to be dealing with a break up but in a very mature manor. It reveals the the sun being his strength and the night takes over with sadness.


My insecurities like to dance in the moonlight
and engulf me
into a sadness so deep,
I often cannot find my way out.

This would have to be my favorite lines. You use metaphors in these that really give a greater emotion to the poem.

You used free verse poetry in this piece and you did a great job with letting it flow without a stutter. Your punctuation seems okay to me. If there are any hooks I didn't notice due to the great poetic story.
*Vine2* Things I see you could improve on:

*Vine2* Overall:
You write well using emotion and incorporating it with a visual in a sense of light and darkness. The sun and the moon.

*Vine2* Final thoughts:
I believe you have a talent and you have only just begun. I will be excited to see what else you have for me to read.
Thank you for sharing. This was great.



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403
403
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
*Vine1* *Vine1* Hello *Vine1* *Vine1*
I am LifeLessons I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item" .

*StarB* What I like about the title:
Great title, suited for this heart felt story.

*StarO* My impressions of character:

The main character being in first person is portrayed as a soul who keeps this last September fresh in her thoughts. One of many as we all know that have passed on from such a traumatic event. She replays the events that occur before this tragedy. Her new job, new bike, hopes and dreams of a great future.
Had she'd of known what the not so distant days to come were her last, she would have not reached for those dreams.

*StarR* What I enjoyed about this piece:

There many things I enjoyed about your story here. First the very idea that our passed ones remain in some form a being. Your description of the way she was found was quite overwhelming. Also knowing how her loved ones miss her and how she would be able to show them she was still around. I don't know about you but I believe this is true.

I was humming that blessed disco song to myself when I heard the sound of a plane. "Can't be," I thought to myself, denying that which could not be denied. The sound made me think of the flight back from Ireland and I smiled.

This being a very pivotal moment in your story, I could not imagine what anyone was thinking about this very moment. The narrator brings us into the thoughts of one person out of so many. It was written well and made me think twice.

*StarP* My suggestion on improvement:

Although I understood the story line, my only suggestion for you would be to be consistent with past and present during the story.
I find you went from starting the job to afterwards back to before. This is only a suggestion to you. You did end it perfectly with a great deal of emotion.

*BlockV* My overall thoughts:

I don't believe anyone could know what it feels like to lose someone in such an evil way. Too many lost and too many left so ill. I felt a true spirit being moved by your words and this is a warm feeling to ensure others of a presence. A tribute to so many who have suffered and to those who still live on to grieve.
You did a fine job with this heart felt story.
It shows how life can change in an instant and that none of us are defended against life changing events. Strength and endurance does not come easily after such a horrific encounter of this nature. I am sorry to hear of your loss but grateful to read your tribute.
404
404
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Vine1* *Vine1* Hello *Vine1* *Vine1*
I am LifeLessons I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item" .

*StarB* What I like about the title:
This title certainly grabbed my attention because I also wanted to know what it is.

*StarO* My impressions of character:

Your characters all have their part in this story. Leah is a girl who feels like she was left behind during most of her life. While her sisters continue being center of attention. Could this be the life of the youngest for everyone? I don't think so because my baby brother is the baby, even now at the age of fort four years old.
Leah seems to be strong at heart but notices how trivial the other's portray their lives.
*StarR* What I enjoyed about this piece:

I liked this story because it relates to many I am sure. Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy, but what else would it be without our odd family traditions and annoying siblings. The older we get the more we read into each other. The work put into it and I believe that no matter what the gift is there should be thought into it. so I felt badly for Leah. The elephant could be a trophy and a reminder of just where she stands in the family.
People talking over each other is another pet peeve but one that will never change during the holidays. You portrayed this well and I actually had a giggle because it did remind me of our own Christmas's in the past. Right down the elephant. I think we have a received one of those gifts.
*StarP* My suggestion on improvement:

Her sisters were a year apart while she was four years behind the youngest one. They didn’t really need her to hang out with as kids.

These couple of sentences were the only thing that really jumped out at me. I think maybe you can reword this to make it clear for the reader. I think you are saying that Leah was the youngest one.

Example: Leah's sisters were only a year apart, leaving her behind as the youngest. A gap of four years left her out of the loop when it came to hanging out with the others.

Or your own idea but I believe it is more clearly stated of where Leah stood against her sisters.
*BlockV* My overall thoughts:
This was a great story and you told it in a realistic manner. It was easy to read and follow the dialogue. You were following a prompt and you did a great job. I didn't see anything major as far as punctuation or grammar. Mind you these things are not my strongest suit. Thank you very much for sharing.
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405
Review of Why I Write  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi LifeLessons here!

Good Evening GeminiGem survived GoT Of course I wanted to know why you write. So I took a peek and was not surprised.
*Bookopen* I really enjoyed this little story about yourself growing up with grammar police. *Laugh*
I have a friend that does this to me all the time. Anyway back to your story. You told it well and I really was not surprised that your parents made you read, the dictionary on a podium gave me a chuckle. We always play scrabble at my parent's house. I grew up playing that game. My mother was an English teacher and she also loves to write, so I know how I became an avid writer myself.

*BookStack3* This is nicely written with NO grammar mistakes. Imagine that ! *Laugh*
I enjoyed this story very much. It reminds of when my son was little and I always read to him. He didn't like books though. He insisted I read a story from my imagination putting him as the main character. Oh I miss those days.
Thank you for sharing your story. I enjoyed it very much.

*Sun*Celebrating YOU in our POWER MEMBER BBQ PARTY RAID! *Sun**Cool*
406
406
Review of Bonded for Life  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi LifeLessons here!

Good evening Quick-Quill How are you this evening?
Taking a peek through your port and I was interested in this story because 60 years is a long time. Of course as I read I know why they lasted so long.
*BookStack2* There is no way to be prepared for such things in life, but how we handle them is another story. Through many ups and downs in a marriage this would be a tested moment for sure.
Quite touching and heart felt. Prayer is a powerful healing power. I know we had a prayer chain for our son when he was very ill. A miracle, because it worked.

*BookStack3* I read this story with great clarity. I stayed focused with no distractions. You told a moving piece of someone's life and yourself being apart of it. I was happy to read the end and knowing that everything worked out as it should.

*Bookstack* I am so glad I read this story you have written. I love reading about real life situations. This one was sad but with a great message and an awesome ending.
thank you for sharing!



*Sun*Celebrating YOU in our POWER MEMBER BBQ PARTY RAID! *Sun**Cool*
407
407
Review of Motherly Love  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*ButterflyV* Hi, LifeLessons here!! Stopping by to review this piece.*Vine2* *Vine2* *Vine2*

*Vine2* What i enjoyed about the title:I came across this piece on the news feed. I love anything that has to do with unconditional love. You portray this in your description alone.

*Vine2* What I enjoyed about this piece
I enjoyed reading the emotion you feel for your new important duties in life. I started to remember when my 22 yr old son was that young. You hold a new life in your hands. A joy, a treasure to hold.


*Vine2* Things I see you could improve on:
When I was reading this, I saw it more as a prose. You have a quality here that almost like a story than a poem. Even though it is a free verse and there are not any rules to poetry, I believe it would suit better as a prose.
I noticed you end each stanza with a period so I suggest you use punctuation throughout the poem. Makes it a better flow.
The other one nit pic would be, if you are going to use each stanza as a paragraph, you should have each line capitalized.


*Vine2* Overall:
You have a gift of sharing emotion. I felt this through out this piece. I believe if you set it up as a free verse poem it would be a delight.

*Vine2* Final thoughts:
These are only my thoughts. This is your work not mine. If you see it as perfected, it is yours to do so. Thank you for sharing your new found treasure in life.


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408
408
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*ButterflyV* Hi, LifeLessons here!! Stopping by to review this piece.*Vine2* *Vine2* *Vine2*

*Vine2* What i enjoyed about the title:
This is an interesting title because it reminds of how some animals are trained to entertain.

*Vine2* What I enjoyed about this piece
I believe you wrote this piece describing a monkey to entertain on cue. The empty feeling of how he feels. This is a simple rhyme in three stanzas.

*Vine2* Things I see you could improve on:
A couple of things and these are only my suggestions.
I would pay attention to your syllable count in each line, just make the poem flow.
There are many ways to put feeling into your poem. Thesaurus is a great tool that I use all the time. It breaks up common words that we tend to over use.

*Vine2* Overall:
I really enjoyed the topic of choice. Your muse of poetry is great. You can take this to a higher level and become very comfortable with poetry.

*Vine2* Final thoughts:
thank you for sharing.



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409
409
Review by ~Lifelessons~
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*ButterflyV* Hi, LifeLessons here!! Stopping by to review this piece.*Vine2* *Vine2* *Vine2*

*Vine2* What i enjoyed about the title:
I was grabbed by this title due to the "Listen".I had to take a peak.

*Vine2* What I enjoyed about this piece
There are many things I enjoyed about this poem\monologue. Although I see the monologue more of a prose because you use quite poetic descriptions in each.
This is a free verse poem with no rhyme meter and i think you did a great job with chosen words to let this piece flow.

It always ends the same, death it comes creepin' and takes away the brightest blaze and leaves an empty shell. The deal is broken and the offer reformed again and again to new faces and broken hearts.

I love this because it speaks as a prose. I felt the emotion here and enjoyed it very much.

*Vine2* Things I see you could improve on:
I believe free verse has no rules, however sticking to somewhat of a same syllable count through out would allow this poem to run that much smoother. I would shorten the nine syllables to eight leaving it with a 7 and 8 throughout.

*Vine2* Overall:
The was a great read and I enjoyed the mixing of the two poetic forms. Your words of choice intermixed with the topic of death puts a new spin on dying. Maybe a good thing or not.. lol

*Vine2* Final thoughts:
Great job and some minor flaws that you can touch up will make this that much greater.



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410
410
Review of Cloud Stories  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Vine1* *Vine1* Hello *Vine1* *Vine1*
I am LifeLessons I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item" .

*StarB* What I like about the title:
I love the title cloud stories.

*StarO* My impressions of character:

There are many characters in this brilliant little writ. All of those in which we can all relate to. I love how you incorporated each cloud into a fairy tale. I also look deep within the clouds to find a trace of any form.

The clouds begin to rearrange;
I see a rabbit flee
as Alice starts to act so strange.
She needs a spot of tea.
I love Alice in Wonderland and how you use her story in this poem made me smile. Imagination is a wonderful tool and you use many characters to pull this together into one story by itself.
I watch as each soars to life on
imagination's wings.
This being said, of course.

*StarR* What I enjoyed about this piece:

This poem brings back memories for many I am sure. It is very well suited for young viewer.
You use a great rhyme meter that flows so well.
This poem brings back memories for many I am sure. It is very well suited for any young viewer.
There is no pictures needed when I read this piece. I see everything you have written right before my eyes. A great piece to be inspired by young children and even us older due to great memories.
*StarP* My suggestion on improvement:
Of course I do not see any room for improvement on this piece. It speaks volumes all on it's own.
You have used many descriptive words to use in the clouds changing shape. In the beginning of each stanza it feels like a beginning of another story.
So many stories the clouds spawn,
of "cabbages and kings"1.

This is a few words that I really enjoyed as well. "Cabbage and kings" well done !

This may seem like a simple piece to many however I feel it takes great imagination to tie in everything as you did. You really took a leap into the sky to paint a picture of fairy tales from shapes of clouds.

*BlockV* My overall thoughts:
I have always enjoyed your writing and this piece is new for me. You ventured into a genre I have not yet seen in your work. maybe you have and I missed it. Very glad I did not miss this one. Sometimes one can rack our minds to come with a muse. It seems you took a simple glimpse and formed a story in poetry form. Okay so I am a little jealous. That is okay, if I had to be jealous it would from yet another great piece from yourself.
Glad I came across this~~
411
411
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
*Vine1* *Vine1* Hello *Vine1* *Vine1*
I am LifeLessons I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item" .

*StarB* What I like about the title:An Ordinary Day in June, can mean so many things. I had to read and find out.

*StarO* My impressions of character:

Your characters are quite strong. I really felt for the narrator in this story. She was worked to the bone in a life style that too many have to endure. Times were certainly different.
You described her well as far as the way she carried herself.
Her brother seemed aloof about just about everything in life.
The father seemed very abrupt and back then they were most of the time.
Mom doing her duties as a mother and her gossiping about the town and it's people. Well we know that most still do that but most women don't stay at home anymore. They most certainly don't bow to the man of the house..lol
*StarR* What I enjoyed about this piece:

I loved the scene you set, with great description of the weather and the dinner table. The work environment. I also enjoyed the fact that you used slang language. I don't read that too often and it is a nice change to see someone write in character.
The ride home from the work between the brother and sister was quite cool, I felt the moment. Making conversation just because and nothing really to talk about. Another normal day for these two it seemed. An ordinary June Day as you said.
I enjoyed the scene of the Tommy coming the door and wrapping his arm around his mother. The smell of her cooking, her grey hair tucked behind her ear.
Reminded me of my own mother baking bread.
*StarP* My suggestion on improvement:
My suggestion are only suggestions. I think I would have described the main character. Her hair and body and a name would have been good. I know you wrote it in first person mostly but I would of liked to know her name.


*BlockV* My overall thoughts:
I think you wrote a great story based on the song. I felt it a little too much like the song. Maybe that is what you intended. I think you could have put a little more detail in to make it your own. You really chose some great wording that made it very interesting to read. I did stay focused throughout the whole story. I think I was disappointed in the end. Maybe I was hoping for a little more. It was that good of a read. Maybe you can write another like this one. I enjoyed very much.
412
412
Review of The Steps  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Vine1* *Vine1* Hello *Vine1* *Vine1*
I am LifeLessons I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item" .

*StarB* What I like about the title:
I had no idea where this would lead to, but the title suits the story very well.

*StarO* My impressions of character:

Your characters are concrete steps. Quite a twist on what usual characters are. I found them each very enjoyable. The arguing of self importance between each of the steps. Strong, weak and some valued.
*StarR* What I enjoyed about this piece:

I love the way you convey steps with personality because really it brings a great message to anyone reading. Everything around us has some value and importance. I have a set of steps myself that are 50 years old and I could not imagine the history behind them. I often stare at old buildings and wonder the stories held among torn down walls and overgrown moss.
These steps hold many valuable memories. The meadow that they lead to and the house. The walls that protect them from natures wrath. Seems to be a bit of poetic theme. You really gave me a visual in an aspect that maybe some would not see just driving by. Character of any sort is everything to me. Which newer places seem to lack.
Step seven has a valuable point. Without them where did the children go? What about the meadow,how did they enjoy it's beauty without the steps to get there.
making this another point in life. Without steps of any sort how would we get to where we are. You hold a message in your story and I saw it plain as day.
*StarP* My suggestion on improvement:
I don't see any room for improvement here. You voiced a great sense of character that I enjoyed very much.

*BlockV* My overall thoughts:
Sometimes we have to read between the lines to understand the message given. Not everyone will see this but being the deep thinker that I am. I understood everything you were sending out there for the reader. Things in life sometimes go unnoticed and it is quite sad. There is a history in everything around us and sometimes not appreciated. A set of eleven steps talking among themselves with topics of feeling important relates to many values that we try to teach our children. To say that nobody needs them is misunderstood.
We have some homes torn down around my area, but the steps are there. They bring back many memories for me. I truly value the message you have conveyed here. Nice job.
413
413
for entry "Memories of Cloth" 
Review by ~Lifelessons~
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is truly beautiful. I can feel your happy tears.
Life moves forward but memories of pictures of a life time.
These are all good things letting you know you did good.
She is spreading her wings.
Don't cry, letting go is hard but she is going to do great things
414
414
for entry "Anniversary" 
Review by ~Lifelessons~
Rated: E | (4.5)
This a beautiful poem!
You have chosen great descriptive words that flow well.
I really enjoyed this.
This is a tough assignment, good for you!
415
415
Review of Tea for Two  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title:
I came across this piece in genres. I like the title. It suits the story well.

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece:
You really did a great job with a visual here. I felt the dark skies hovering over the grave. I felt the rain about to fall. I felt his arthritic body shuffling up the ash-path.
This man who loves his wife so dearly that he keeps her as a vision beside him.
You left wanting to read more and I enjoyed this very much. You use many poetic forms in this story which I really enjoyed. Great choices of words to describe this setting.
I really thought he was making tea for two and bringing it to someone. I had to read on to see who it was, if not the one buried than who?
The poor soul keeps his wife alive on a daily basis. This is kind of sad but I am sure many do this.

*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:
The only thing that stood out that I would suggest. Spacing. I think you need to space paragraphs to make it easier for the reader to follow. There is little dialogue but maybe italics when his "wife" is speaking.
I saw no flaws with grammar or punctuation. If there were any i didn't notice due to the way the story grabbed me.

*Crown* : I overall thoughts:
Great job in a story well told. I enjoyed the read. Thank you for sharing.

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416
Review of New Beginnings  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title:
I came across this piece in genres. I love new beginnings so I had to take a peak.

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece:
Well this is just a dreamy little story of a young couple buying their first house. You describe this hope as one I would love to own myself. I was sold with the weeping willow and pond with the swing for two. Very nice!
Kai surprises Sophie once again with another surprise. He proposes and gets on one knee cradling her in his arms giving her a passionate kiss.
You use very descriptive words that left feeling as though I was right there watching them. Her sundress flowing and her eyes twinkling.
The shrubs that lead to a forest of trees in the back yard. You have portrayed a scene any young girl could only wish for.
Well done. It was not over done but just enough to give the mood of love, romance, and new beginnings.

*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:

I don't see any reason for improvement. You didn't linger on anything making it a boring read. It is a romance story done very well.
I did not catch any grammar or punctuation mistakes, maybe because the story was told so well.

*Crown* : I overall thoughts:
Thank you for sharing this story. I enjoyed it and maybe not a bad idea to make it into a small book.

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417
417
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title:
I saw this title in genres and it peeked my interest.

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece:
This is a story of a girl who is off to college and little if no confidence. She is trying to push herself to get away from the trap she carried with her through school. College was different she was hoping but realized she will be that same person she has been all along.
Her worst fear in being alone.
You gave a great description of her emotions. This was my favorite.
So gathering up all my courage, like pieces of paper scattered on a wet floor, I stood on shaky legs, and assuming a confident stance, looked around to see whom I could antagonize. Okay, there were two girls standing near the window, and from where I had a vantage point, they were just warming up.

This was a great way to describe her emotions while trying to reach out to a couple of girls.

*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:

You told a great story here, but a few suggestions about repeating yourself.
I see many "so" "and" "I" "had"
There are many descriptive words you can use to enhance your story. Even though it is in first person you can re phrase some sentences.
Some sentences are a bit run on, so I would suggest to break them up or re word them using a semi colon.
You could make it that much interesting if you allow the character to actually overcome her fear to some point.

*Crown* : I overall thoughts:
These are only my suggestions and I hope you revise this story a little and make it shine.

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418
418
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title: I came across this story in the genres list.

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece:
This is a story of man who has lived with a disease called Chorea. I had no idea what this disease was so I looked it up. It sounds disabling and quite heart wrenching.
He is given a chance to a cure but denies it because of his age. He would rather have a younger person have the chance to be unburdened by this disease. There are only 1000 cases that can be cured.
He ponders the thought and tells his wife his decision of passing up the opportunity and why.

*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:
This is a story based on a prompt and with a word count I imagine. So with this in mind I will give you my thoughts.
A short story has to have quite an impact in few words. Unlike a book or novel.
I would suggest you give your character a name. You want the reader to feel a connection to who he is.
You should write about his personal struggles with this disease letting the reader know what it is.
The dialogue should be spaced making it easier for the reading to have a clear understanding of each character speaking.
This should be an emotional story and I feel you lack in that area.

 *Crown* : I overall thoughts:
Please know these are my opinions only.
I have learned that we sometimes put stories on the back burner because of critiques but in doing that you will not allow yourself to build your own talent.

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419
Review of The Burning  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title: I came across this story in genres. It really grabbed my attention so I grabbed a coffee and read.

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece:
This is a story of a guy that goes to Iraq during the war. He has no idea that he was in for the fight of his life. Writing something so tragic and living it are too totally different experiences.
He loses his girlfriend, his family grows afraid of him. People walking on egg shells. Post traumatic syndrome is a very unpleasant fate.
You told this story very well. I was kept interested, It was an easy read, you were descriptive. I really felt for this guy and I am sure they are out there. I can relate to his emotions because my son has post traumatic.. and you did a great job in describing the mental issues.
You wrote this story in first person and did a great job in being consistent through out the whole story.

*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:
I do not see any room for improvement. I really enjoyed this story. Very well done. I see no mistakes in grammar or punctuation. If there are any I did not notice because I was enthralled with the story.

*Crown* : I overall thoughts:
Thank you very much for sharing.

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Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title:I came across this piece in random reviews

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece:
This is a story of tragedy, heart wrenching traumatic experience.
You tell a story of Rosa and getting the bad new of having cancer. She has to find a way to tell her husband. He is devastated and hurt. Bill tends to her every need wanting a miracle to happen to keep his wife.
I enjoyed the feeling of having many come to your aid in need. I know this feeling, it happened to us. It is overwhelming and the power of prayer is stronger than people think.
Attitude is everything.

*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:
I would change the beginning of the story. Maybe start off with Rosa not feeling well and went to the doctor. This gives the reader a reason to want to read on. This is a personal story that many can relate to so you don't want to lighten it at all. You want the reader to feel what she is feeling.
This is also a story of a miracle. Where is the miracle. You end the story in a question mark. Did she survive cancer? I imagine she did due to the title but we want to read it. Miracles leave you feeling warm, I was still feeling she was in a battle. Maybe you meant for the story to live on hope.

how could this be happening to me.
I would put this in italics because it is a thought. She really isn't speaking.

Rosa told him what the nurse had said and that the cancer was spreading into her bones.
Rosa explained to Bill that the results are showing the cancer it spreading.
In reality this would not be done over the
phone.

His eyes filled up with tears of sorrow and sadness then he said to her that he will stand by her no matter what needed to be done to fight this tragedy and that she will never be alone. He held her hands in his and together they prayed for a miracle.

This is a pivotal moment in the story. You should it make that much more personal. Some dialogue between them instead of just telling it.


*Crown* : I overall thoughts:
There a few spelling and grammar mistakes but I didn't go into that. I think your main focus right now is to write the story without telling it. Put more feeling into your characters and emphasis on the relationship.

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Review of Tom  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title:
I came across this story in random reviews.

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece:
This is deep story of a man "Tom" having bad dreams of being emotional. He is seeking help form a doctor to explain why this is happening. His past is dark and traumatic. There were times he still hears his father's voice. He feels beaten down in his dreams. He comes to realize that the pent up anger and wall he put up needs to be broken down. Even men cry.

*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:

Your story had a good beginning, but too quick in the telling. You should have a background on Tom. Really give the reader a visual of his pain.

Perhaps, in this moment, Tom genuinely thinks he is to die for the monetary gain of a ransomer, and would rather spend his last moments thinking on his shortcomings, sins, anything that could act as last minute insurance, should he be shot to heaven.

I feel this is a bit of a run on sentence and you can either break it up in two sentences or semi colon.
example: Tom genuinely believes his fate lies in the hands ransomer for monetary gain. This is the moment leaves him to think of his shortcomings; sins or anything that could act as last minute insurance, should he be shot to heaven.

Why do I do this? I am pathetic. I am weak. I don't have the money. I am weak because I want to go."
Because you go from dialogue to thought, I would put this into italics to break

the two apart.

generalise
generalize

breath
breathe

ways
way things are portrayed.

*Crown* : I overall thoughts:
This is the making of a great tale. One that will shine once you revise it somewhat. You will also see it's potential when you re read it. I hope I was not too harsh. These are my opinions and not a professional one.

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Review of Forever Lost  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title:I came across this piece in random reviews.

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece:I enjoyed reading how this man found this woman at his door and he was instantly taken to her. He is flooded with dreams about his sister being murdered. The next day he wakes up to find this girl Rose in his kitchen cooking. She is wearing a wedding ring and asks her who she is married to and she says Max.

*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:
These are some obvious errors and a few suggestions:
I am quite confused about this story line. You hold a lot of empty spaces. The beginning was not bad but then it goes into another story line quickly.
Your dialogue is not clear enough to follow. Who is talking when and then it goes right into another part of the story.
You really need to take a second look at your formatting to allow the reader to follow your story and understand it. You want to introduce your main character and provide enough information and background to make him the main character.
You say his sister was murdered by her father. Maybe put more attention on that.
I won't go into the spelling and grammar because I believe if you are starting the story again you will pay more attention to those factors.

*Crown* : I overall thoughts:
You could have a good story here if you really pay attention to it that it deserves.

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Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title:This title grabbed my attention. I had to read it and see how this story unfolds.

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece:
This is a great little story of a girl who becomes questionable of her innocence. A mistake we all make at this age. So impressionable and naive. This girl was impressed by another's defiant attitude, smoking, and toughness. They get into a fight and become friends.
I like how you made this a story in one day. Skipping school is something we have all done once. maybe some more than others. At the end of the story you have the other girl walking into a mansion, which tells me she has issues at home. Having money does not mean everything is okay behind closed doors.

*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:

The beginning of this story had me confused. It didn't grab like I was hoping it would. You jump right into the story and there is no introduction to the character and what she is about. You need to find a hook here. "The next day" is your first words. You might want to re think this a bit. The day after what?
Give a little more detail on her emotions and what led her to this. I know she meets this girl but how was she before she met.

*Crown* : I overall thoughts:

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Review of Who are they?  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title:This caught my attention while I was going through a review list

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece:This story has great potential to make an awesome detective drama. I sense a little emotion between Brian and Mandy. You hold an awesome dialogue between the two characters sitting in a diner.
One friend helping another to unfold a case of burglary. Brian depends on Mandy for help on making a profile. They also speak on a personal level. Discussing Brian's family and how he should spend time with them more.

*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:
As much as I enjoyed the story I feel you left some detail out. What about Mandy? You leave me thinking the two had a relationship at some point. Is that right?
As much as I liked the dialogue you should fit in some action pieces. example: Mandy tucked her hair behind her ear, trying not show emotions.
Brian taps the table in frustration.
These are details that lets the reader feel the character.

You should space when doing dialogue. Making it easier for the reader to follow.

Well s*** than go take your ladies out, buy them some dinner.
Well s***, go take them out for dinner.

I know it is several of them.
I know there are several of them.

Whom ever did it was going big and got your attention
Who ever did it decided to go big and grabbed your attention

Working on it to much
Working on it too much
"Well s*** than go take your ladies out, buy them some dinner."
Well s***, go take them out for dinner.
He hated the though of her
He hated the thought of her
To many marriages
Too many marriages

*Crown* : I overall thoughts:
Overall I think you have a great story in the making. Take some time to revise and fill in the blanks. You will see as you re do it how it will take off. I have re written stories over and over again before being totally happy with it.

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Review of Mister Goat  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title: Mister Goat
I came across this piece in genre listing

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece:
This piece is a story of a goat who haunted Bradley. Bradley was a sad child and always left behind. He had no friends and passed off to his aunt quite often. He was different but so different than most children at this age. I believe he had a relationship with this Mister goat and the goat's passing haunted him.

*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:
Your story is a bit narrative. I felt no emotion in the narrator. It seemed it was just told. You are missing description of the surroundings and his aunt. The parents are not really the main focus of the story.
I was a bit confused because you say the narrator is another goat but he has no play in the story. Maybe you went from first person to second person. You need to slow down the story some and retain focus so the reader is not confused as to where you story is headed.

though( thought )
I'll take of her if you ( I'll take care of her if you want )
you don't to kill me ( you don't want to kill me )
; Bradley ( no reason for the semi colon just break up you sentence. )


*Crown* : I overall thoughts:
This comes across as a fairy tale gone dark. I think you can make it more interesting if you fill in the blanks.

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