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Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title:This title really intrigued as I was doing random reviews. Your description of the story grabbed my heart strings

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece: You told this story so very well. You let us in as readers to experience your devastation and one that none us will truly understand. How you described the pigeons hovering over and related it to your experience really touched me.
Children hiding in any place they could and seeing things they should never have.
What you carried with you all these years cannot be easy. There is no excuse for the hatred that transpired during this time. I cannot even fathom this horrid act.
You truly gave an amazing insight that most have no idea about. You were there, you lived it. I am so sorry for that. You are right in saying it is a memory that will never be forgotten.

*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:
A small suggestion. Maybe break up your paragraphs just to make it easier for the reader to follow. Other than I see no mistakes at all. You have a great gift of story telling.

*Crown* : I overall thoughts:
There is nothing I can say to make this story wrong or better. It is based on your experience and very well told.

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Review of Angel  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title: When I saw this title I assumed an angel was the primary story line. Not sure where the title fits in.

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece:
This is a great take on Peter Pan, one we are not used to hearing. No fairy tale I would want to read to my children. You describe Peter coming into the home of the Darlings. He talks them into leaving with them to go to Never Land,promising them a safe return. Mom and Dad come home to discover their children dead. A terrible thought, but this is story telling.

*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:
"I say, it's ever so late.
" I believe it is too late."

John ran to retrieve his umbrella, and Michael got his bear.
John ran to retrieve his umbrella, while Michael took a hold of his bear.
"Oh George I do hope the children were okay while we were gone they have been ever so sick
"Oh George I do hope the children are okay while we were out. They have been so sick lately.



*Crown* : I overall thoughts: This a great little spin on a darker side of a fairy tale. If you revise a little it will make an even better read.
Try not to use words that seem to make it poetic. This is a story. Keep to the flow and keep it simple.

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428
Review of The Photo  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title: "The Photo"
brings so many scenarios to mind. I had to take a peak and see what your muse was.

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece:
This is a great little tale of a girl who comes across an old box of photos and memories start flooding her mind. One photo especially grabs her attention. She sees a picture of her best friend whom she lost contact with. She relishes the thought of getting back in touch with her. I have had these moments.

*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:
When you start the beginning of a story you want the reader to have a feel of the main character. Your main character is "she"
You don't give her a name and this is very important. Who is she?
What is she like?

They planned it together for what they thought of as a childish escape for the now grown two young women

This sentence confuses me a little. Exactly what did you mean?
What happened to her relationship?
*Crown* : I overall thoughts:
You leave many gaps in the story which made it hard to follow. You jumped from She was in a relationship to looking at pictures. Leaving me wonder what happened in between all of this.
You have a great story line, but if you revise it and re read it yourself you can make even that much better.
These are only my thoughts.

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429
429
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title:This title grabbed my attention. It screams dark.

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece:
A story of a male patient coming into a doctor's office requesting help. Once the doctor listens he realizes the patient is right in thinking life is only an existence with no truth or purpose. Very sad and well told of the man's childhood.
The doctor is trying to figure him out but finds himself asking the same questions. The twist in the end was quite good. I was not expecting that one at all.


*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:
I was a bit confused reading this. I say this because I wasn't sure if you were going back and forth from doctor to patient or was it the doctor thinking or the patient's thoughts.
Your main character has no name and I think it is important to give this person a name. Identity is paramount when telling a story.
The beginning didn't really hook me. I would totally wipe that out and begin with the main character and his shabbiness and introduce him with great strength.

*Crown* : I overall thoughts:
This is a great story line and if you re read it as the reader and not the writer you may see what I mean.
These are only my thoughts.

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Review of Jewels  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title: I came across this title in genres. I loved the title and the picture.lol

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece:
Reading this reminded me so much of my mother and I. When I first bought my house it was an empty yard. My mother helped turn into a cottage garden. twenty one years later I have many memories of great laughter. Serious conversations as well.
Gardening is a great stress relief. So i know what you mean. I however have a son. You were right in making her help you and you groomed to be a lovely young lady, even if we think it would never happen. LOL. Teens can be a handful.
I found you story well told, I felt your pride, your memories.
You used great structure. This is a true story and it is yours to tell. There is no right or wrong in that.

*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:
I did not find any grammar or punctuation mistakes. I had no problem following the story. You spaced your paragraphs well and dialogue was well placed.

*Crown* : I overall thoughts:

I believe you have a talent at telling stories. I am not sure if you have tried fiction but you may want to try it. Your form is great.

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431
431
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title:Entertainment Overload is a great title. However if it is restricted I would change the title to wrap around that part of the story.
eg. "Enforcers Of Entertainment" or "Entertainment Lock Down"

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece:I really liked this story and it pertains to many doubts of the amount of entertainment in today's society. Many blame our world issues on the amount of media, music and gaming. We live in a visual world without a doubt.
This had me think of "Burning Books" in 1933 during the Nazi War.
Hitler only wanted his book read. No other books were allowed in homes.
I enjoyed the way you have Rose in a dilemma between her boyfriend and her parents.

*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:There a few grammar mistakes and a couple of typos. I am sure if you re read you will find them.

*Crown* : I overall thoughts: This is a great sci fiction and I think you can really take it further. I would love to read a more in depth spin on maybe the kids getting caught and opening the eyes of her mother. How living in such a constructive life style can also cause damage. Show the balance between the two. Great read.

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Review of Whispering Stars  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
Rated: E | (4.5)
Beautiful and magical. Isn't it amazing where our thoughts take us when we focus on one of nature's free view.
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Review of Bite of Vengeance  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title: Great title. It suits the story well.

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece:I really thought this was going to be about a girlfriend but you probably knew that. A great twist to a wonderful short story. I had quite the chuckle in knowing it was Vesta the pooch. You did a great job.

*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:
I have no suggestions on punctuation or grammar. Both seem fine.

*Crown* : I overall thoughts:
Overall you wrote a great story with a good twist with some humor. I really enjoyed and I hope to see more of your work.
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Review of Sisterhood  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title: I liked the title because friendship is like a sisterhood. I have a had a friend since I was four years old. we consider ourselves sisters

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece:You described a young girl going through a tough time in her life and expected more than what it was. She was lonely and afraid to be herself and make friends. We all share confidence issues in these times of our lives. I always said if i had the confidence than that I have now.. I would have gone so much further.
I followed your story well and it was a nice flow. I was interested in her insight of herself written in her journal.
I was glad to see that she opened up and initiated conversation.
I am sure so many young girls could relate to this story.
Nicely written.

*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:
I really don't see any room for improvement here. It was short and you made your point of the story.
*Crown* : I overall thoughts:Overall I hope that young girls do read this and it may open doors for them as well. Funny how wise we become so late in life right?
I hope to read more of your work. Thank you for the read.

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Review of Me and Daddy  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title: Your title told me this was going to be heart breaking.

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece:You told a story that is quite believable and sad to know that there are children who go through this hatred act. You held a great visual as I read through very easily. You didn't drag it on and left me to want to read more. I like how you gave the daughter a voice at the end and the hurt she felt from her father's actions. While he is sorry for what he had done not sorry enough to stop. I presume the daughter could continue to haunt him. I know I would..lol
This a piece that not everyone could bare to read but I like drama stories that pertain to real life situations.

*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:The only thing I could see that I would change and this only a suggestion on my part. I would change the title. I think it deserves a title that would grab a reader. Your title needs to be a great hook to draw one in to read. This should not be hard because your story holds many elements to make a great title.

*Crown* : I overall thoughts: Overall this is a great read. I really enjoyed it and you have a talent of telling a drama story. Great job

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Review of The Broken Tale  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title:The Broken Tale had me quite curious indeed. Then I read your description of the story and it intrigued me more so.

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece: The tale of the Easter Bunny and Santa has been a driven lie since the beginning of time. As a child Easter was about what the bunny left behind and chocolate, skip rope, spring, but we also went to church. I remember getting a new dress and new hat every year. We were still taught the meaning of Easter but the bunny gave it a bit of magic for us kids.
As far as Santa goes, I always told my son that St. Nick was true. He was a man that made toys and gave to children. When my son was five he realized that Santa doesn't go to every house because he had friends at school that didn't get anything. That was when we helped him to realize that Christmas is about giving. Among other things of course. He picked out five gifts from the previous year and donated them to kids without.
So I liked your story and how you were devastated as most are.
I don't think it devastated me that much. it is what parents do.

*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:
I don't see any room for improvement here. It is your view and opinion. There is no right or wrong in that.
*Crown* : I overall thoughts:Final thoughts are you have to be okay with what you believe and I think you are.
I enjoyed the read.

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437
Review of Decisions  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title:Decisions pertain to so many things. Reading your description told me more of what the story is about.

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece:You have a story here of a couple going through an addiction problem. He decides to get help and she is knowing of the fact he may not be in her life again.

*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:

I don't see any mistakes as far as spelling or grammar. These are only suggestions that may help your story come together.
I see a lot of gaps here. There are no names to either character. Who is he? who is she?
What did they talk about? I see a conversation but where are the emotions. This has to be a difficult situation so I think you need to pay more attention as to how both characters feel. You can take a story line but to make it a story come to life you need dialogue and emotions. You want the reader to be grabbed. I was not totally grabbed here. It is written more as a thought.

*Crown* : I overall thoughts:I think you have a great story line here and if you look it over and read it to yourself you may see what I am talking about. Take the time to revise it and your story can shine. I hope to re read it again at some point.

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Review of STRANGERS CARE  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.I liked this title of Strangers Care because they do.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title:

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece:I enjoyed this very much. The flow is great and the words are kind. People today see strangers as scary and untrustworthy and you have reminded readers that they aren't. We are also strangers to others and I hope I am noted for being kind and caring. A great message you have written here. I enjoyed the form you have chosen and the rhythm flows quite nicely.

*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:I don't see anything to improve on. I only see one typo.

I know if I I reach out a stranger will care
I think you meant I reach not I I
Not sure if you use punctuation it isn't a must in most poetry. I do use it in free flow and a couple of others but mostly it is the choice of the writer. You don't have any lengthly sentences that really need it. So this is great.




*Crown* : I overall thoughts: You seems like a positive writer and that is a great thing. We need more of that. There seems to be a doom everyone carries around these days. Is it the news or the world itself. Not sure but it is nice to see a positive insight.

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Review of Is It Worth It?  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is an amazing piece! Okay you made me cry!! The circle of life is like nothing that can be compared to as we know it. I listen to Nanny talk about back in the day and I ponder at where I am now. One day it will be me, one day it will my son. The stars still shine and the moon still glows. Tomorrow the sun will rise only to bring new blessings for all involved.
Thank you for sharing.
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Review of Alexis's Story  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title:
The title here says Alexis has a story to tell. I had no idea how horrible it would be.

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece:

This story started off quite slow but as i read on I was quite interested. First because it is a story that happens way too often. It is Quite sad to be truthful. Secondly I think coming from a younger person it was portrayed quite real. I liked the spacing you used, it made it very clear to read and follow. Alexis sure has a great friend in Emily. Cell phones are good for these situations. Alexis is quite naive being a younger student playing on the big boys team. A scary thought.

Kevin being her brother should have kept a better eye out for her. You show the excitement on being at the party and getting ready for it, seeing other's they knew and never thought they would socialize with. Very exciting for a young girl.

*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:

I find the beginning of the story a bit slow. I think there are things you can omit.
Suggestion: Start the story off with the girls walking into the party. Everything before is okay but it goes beyond introducing the characters that are in the main story.

You need to keep your names Capitalized. matt ( Matt )cocptian (captain)
be sure to end your sentences with a period and quotations in their proper place.

*Crown* : I overall thoughts:You have a great story here with great potential. If you revise it a little and pay more attention to it, you will have an even better story.

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441
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello I am Life Lessons and I came across this piece for reviewing.

*Tiara* What I liked about the title: I think I would change this title to grab the reader. When I saw it I wan't engaged to read it but I took a look anyway.

*CastleB* What I enjoyed about this piece:we have all been in that position I am sure. The unknown of coming out of a deep sleep after surgery. You did a wonderful job of setting the scene and you didn't delay getting right into the story line. I loved the detail of what you heard around you while still under. The clatter and banging, the lights, the nurses talking. I had a great visual, maybe because I could relate to it.

*Shield8* : What I can suggest for improvement:

I do not see any grammar mistakes. A couple but typos really.
onto top of me ( on top of me )

knew at time ( knew of at the time )

The only thing I could see here would to emphasize on the transition a little more. Let the reader know that something odd is happening. I didn't find it explicit enough until I reached the end of the story. You really want the ready to be in a wow factor at this point. Expression of words is everything. Especially in a piece like this.


*Crown* : I overall thoughts: This is a great take on how our minds think when undergoing post surgery. many have said this and I am sure many can relate.

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Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi LifeLessons here!

Here to give a review and I hope you don't think of this as nit picking. Only giving structural advice.

 *FlowerP*
What I liked about the title: I love angels and so I had to read this.

 *ButterflyR*
What I found that was positive:
This is a beautiful free form poem about an angel coming to a presence. I like the way you described a child praying, laying her head down.

 *ButterflyV*
My thoughts in general
This is a great poem ! It leaves a warm feeling to the reader.
My only suggestion would be:
or no one saw her and no one cared for the world was dark and cold
I would break up this sentence into two. End it at cared. Start another with For
This leaves a better flow.
I would use capitals at the start of each, because it is a free form there are no real rules but you are using punctuation so it would work in this case.

*Sun*Keep shining ! Don't stop writing!

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Review of wake  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, I am Lifelessons and I am doing some reviewing and came across your piece.*ButterflyV*


my thoughts of the title: wake could mean many things, but after reading I understand the title.
*Vine2**Vine2**Vine2*

What I enjoyed about it:This is free form poem about motivation. Having a hard time to start the day. It moves too late into the afternoon and you give up. Sounds like depression. Dreading the day is kind of sad.
 *Vine1* *Vine1* *Vine1*

Things you could improve upon:
i wake to soon not ready.
i sleep to long i dread the day.
i start to late to start at all.

You need Capitals especially when using I
( I sleeI sleep to long (I sleep too long)
This carries through the poem.

i feel just fine i am feeling good ow wait whats this more dread but why its just a letter come though my door
i fall back down and sleep some more escape to wear i fear no more.
again I
ow ( now )
whats ( what is )

I think the first line in this stanza could shortened. I would personally change this to a free form with line after line.
i wake its noon im ready.
i slept to long my head is dizzy.
it is to late start ill try again tomorrow.

its ( it is ) im ( I am ) to ( too )
it is too late "to start I will try again tomorrow.

*Vine2* *Vine2* *Vine2*

My overall thoughts: This is great piece of emotion. You portray depression quite well here. With some work this could be polished into a poem that you would greatly appreciate.

*Vine2* *Vine2* *Vine2*

Keep Shining {/b} *Sun*
I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item" .



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Review of sparks fly  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello, I am Lifelessons and I am doing some reviewing and came across your piece.*ButterflyV*


my thoughts of the title: Sparks Fly had to be about a romance. Something exciting is about to take place here.
*Vine2**Vine2**Vine2*

What I enjoyed about it:I really enjoyed the excitement in Maria about the party after school. It made me think of when I was in school, but at 13 there were no parties. Way too young. I like your description of what she was going to wear that evening. Realizing she was late for school and had to rush.
*Vine1* *Vine1* *Vine1*

Things you could improve upon:she put on a checkered shirt with some skinny jeans and ugg boots, just like she always did in mornings. She ate pancakes and sugar covered cereal, just like she always did in mornings. "I'M TIRED OF DOING THE SAME THING EVERY MORNING!" She screamed at the top of her lungs.


I would revise this paragraph and turn it into an opening of interest.
maybe: Maria was so tired of her mundane schedule. Wearing the same clothes and eating the same thing every morning, hearing her sister yell at her. Frustrated that her life is so boring, she yells,

she (She)
ugg ( if this is a brand name, Ugg)

its (it's)
Cary her ( carry her )
julted ( bolted )

lila. ( a name should capitalized Lila )

"You got a little... that... on the side of your shirt

 "You have a little something on the side of your shirt."
*Vine2* *Vine2* *Vine2*

My overall thoughts: This could be a great little story about a girl who goes to a party and meets someone. The excitement of going is here but you need to bring it to another level.
Introduce you character a little more in depth. As you get into your second chapter let the reader connect with her friends and their personalities.
These are only my opinions and this is your story. A little advice to help your story shine.

*Vine2* *Vine2* *Vine2*

Keep Shining *Sun*
I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item" .



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Review of Bad Romance  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, I am LifeLesson
I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item" .

*BookStack2* What I liked about your title: A bad romance can be difficult and more so if it is your mother.

*BookStack3* How I felt about your characters: Lilyis quite worried about her mother being in a bad relationship. She is off to college and not around for her family like she would be. A constant worry for her. She is loving and caring and will do anything to keep her family happy and safe.

Quinn I imagine is Lily's friend or boyfriend not too sure, but he there for Lily during a crisis. He seems to be the type of person not to take the lead.

Liesel seems to be care free and is open to finding someone to replace her husband. She does not seem to cautious of her own safety.

Lucie is her sister and lives with her mother. This is all we know of her at this point of the story.


*PenV* Things you can improve on: I think you should build your characters a lot more. Letting the reader connected to each of them. Things are quite vague in the introduction. You may want to start your story with some dialogue with the mother and introduce the sister. Give them a much needed importance to your story. They are the ones missing and the reader has no idea who they are as people.

: *BurstV* I don't know what to make of it all. But I know something is not right. It's just one of those things I can feel, ya know?"

You can take out the period here and use a comma and join the two thoughts.
ya should be "you"

*BurstB* Lately, Liesel, has been seeing a new man, Derryl


There is no need for all of these commas. You are not adding anything multiple here.
*BurstR* She met him one night while she was bartending. Derryl gave her all of the typical lines that a woman likes to hear and ever since their father, Leo, had passed suddenly from a heart attack three years ago, their mother hasn't dated. Sure, Lily and Lucie both agreed that their mother deserved to be happy and they weren't opposed to her dating, until they met Derryl.

My issue here is. Who is She? I know you mean her mother but you should use her name here.
You should start this with Lucie hasn't been dating since her husband has passed suddenly from a heart attack. During her time bartending she has met a man Derryl who smooth talked her into dating him. Then carry on with the rest.







*Thought2* My overall thoughts: I believe this can be a great thriller story as long as you do it carefully. You want you readers to connect right away and the urge to read on. I would rethink your first chapter carefully. Write out each character and give them a personality. Check your punctuation and grammar. There are great tools for this here on the site.
This are only my opinion and this is your story. These are thoughts to help your story shine.


*Sun*
KEEP SHINING!
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Review of Obsession  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, I am Lifelessons and I am doing some reviewing and came across your piece.*ButterflyV*


my thoughts of the title: Your title suits this piece very much. Obsession can mean a lot of things so I had to read it.
*Vine2**Vine2**Vine2*

What I enjoyed about it:I found this piece very emotional and very deep. You use very descriptive words to express your feelings.

The mirror reveals the enigma that is my torment. I gaze, fascinated by the contortion of the face that is my reflection. Who is this stranger revealing the fade that is my pain? Calloused wrinkles wreathed by lines of suffering and horror. Glowering pale green orbs glistening with natural moisture. Squinting with pain. Plump rose petal lips, ensnared by within my unrelenting bite. A snarl forms. Gnawing down, attempting to make this feeling a reality my mind can comprehend. This internal furnace consuming me. How am I to even know this is real?

I have to say this is my favourite paragraph. The mystery of your own torment. Not recognizing yourself even in the mirror. Your deepest emotion of falling tears, and pain. I really picture a person suffering in their own obsession of grief. A very deep and soulful piece.

*Vine1* *Vine1* *Vine1*

Things you could improve upon:
The pain; devouring. Consuming. A withering white searing flame of ach within me. Pulsing. Convulsing. Gripping and gashing from within. Unperceivable

I find this a bit cut off. I understand how you want the reader to see it but it feels just like I read it. One word at a time.
Maybe: ToThis pain I have is devouring; consuming a withering white searing flame within me. Pulsing, convulsing and gripping; gashing from within.

Too many descriptive words can lead away from what you want to say. Your emotion is highly stated and noted.

this is purely a little typo: These tear I think you meant tears.



*Vine2* *Vine2* *Vine2*

My overall thoughts: This is a great piece at showing your feelings and I enjoyed reading it. A little polishing and it will shine.

*Vine2* *Vine2* *Vine2*

Keep Shining *Sun*


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447
447
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, I am Lifelessons and I am doing some reviewing and came across your piece.*ButterflyV*


{c:rose}my thoughts of the title: Your title confused me a little. Slender Man Retold. Not sure if I still understand it. Roxy's diary however made sense.
*Vine2**Vine2**Vine2*

{c:violet}What I enjoyed about it: This story intrigued me for sure. It gave a detailed story of a girl who went through a very traumatic experience. I could never imagine the fear. Her father being her hero but also a man that took his anger to a whole other level. The dreams or nightmares I would say of her predator coming back into her life is post traumatic for sure. Why she went back to the hospital to find him is beyond me. I like the idea of finding a diary and how you felt as you read through it.
 *Vine1* *Vine1* *Vine1*

Things you could improve upon: When writing a diary I don't think there would be too much dialogue. I think you can change this and still get her story written with more of her feelings than the third person. It is about her and her events but the details of what the nurse says and how she was fired doesn't have to be a dialogue conversation.

Yea you can hear the “Until” coming he?
This is a confusing line. I know what you meant by it, but I had to read it twice. Maybe "Yes, I know you are all wondering what is about to happen, so let me tell you."

I was visiting my favorite spot of the forest, the burned down cabin.

I would turn this around also.(maybe) I was visiting this burnt down cabin. A place I consider my favourite spot in the forest to spend time.




*Vine2* *Vine2* *Vine2*

My overall thoughts: My final thoughts here are, you wrote a great story with a new spin. The diary told an amazing creepy storyline. I believe if you revise it somewhat, you could tell an even greater story. More emotion on Roxy would be more intriguing.

*Vine2* *Vine2* *Vine2*

Keep Shining *Sun*
I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item" .



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448
448
Review of dragon's eye  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello, I am Lifelessons and I am doing some reviewing and came across your piece.*ButterflyV*


my thoughts of the title: I see you have a title about dragons. I like the fantasy of dragons.
*Vine2**Vine2**Vine2*

What I enjoyed about it: Being scratched by something unknown and not allowed in the sun. To be able to turn into an animal could be exciting. Your piercing grey eyes that can pierce a soul, intimidated for sure.
*Vine1* *Vine1* *Vine1*

Things you could improve upon: I think you need to start you story with more of a hook. I wasn't quite grabbed. I felt I had to re read this twice to grab the story line.

A few spelling mistakes:
dumbledore ( should be capitalized, you do refer it as a name)
wearwolf ( werewolf )
William ( this should be a capital as well)




*Vine2* *Vine2* *Vine2*

My overall thoughts: I think this could be a great story if you revise it a little and put some thought into it. Work on your structure of the story and you will see it come together.

*Vine2* *Vine2* *Vine2*

Keep Shining *Sun*
I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item" .



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449
449
Review of The coffee mug  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi LifeLessons here!

Here to give a review and I hope you don't think of this as nit picking. Only giving structural advice.

 *FlowerP*
What I liked about the title: What could be involved with a coffee mug?

 *ButterflyR*
What I found that was positive:
This is brilliant. She is half asleep and dreaming it seems. You brought me into a tale of colour, characters of many and a bit of a dream place. Nicely done is such a short piece. The ending was great. You ended it with a handsome lover holding her cup. I wish my mornings started off this great. lol

 *ButterflyV*
My thoughts in general
I liked what you did with this. I don't see any mistakes. You created a great visual of how ones mind could take off. Well done.


*Sun*Keep shining ! Don't stop writing!

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450
450
Review of Don't Judge  
Review by ~Lifelessons~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi LifeLessons here!

Here to give a review and I hope you don't think of this as nit picking. Only giving structural advice.

 *FlowerP*
What I liked about the title:

This title suits your opinion essay very well.

 *ButterflyR*
What I found that was positive:

You have written something pertaining to judging others. You expressed yourself very well. You sound kind and thoughtful to other's feelings and that is great thing. Nobody deserves to be judged. Sad but true society lives by a judging. When they have their own issues to deal with it is much easier to point out faults on others.

 *ButterflyV*
Things I think You can change

You start you first two sentences with See. You might want to change it up a bit.

I know because people judge me because am mentally handicapped
(You need to put I am)

I also found out standing up
(found by standing up)

You can also break this piece up into three paragraphs. A lot better for the reader to make sense of it. A few words you can change up to get your point through. Just so it does not sound so repetitive.
Although this is a short essay form. You really want it read as that. Maybe take some time with it and look it over. These are little things that with practice will come like second nature.

*Sun*Keep shining ! Don't stop writing!

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