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1,259 Public Reviews Given
1,301 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Conversational - I don't have a formal template. Comment to my perception of the work, both substance and technique; highlights & misses. My reviews are public by default, but I will gladly make private upon request.
I'm good at...
Poetry - I read aloud; respond to both art and craft; Short Story - I listen for the voice(s) and respond with how I perceive both the creative voice and technique; and effective use of writer's tools; Articles/Essays - I'll let you know how you keep it real and hold my interest. Comment to substance & technique, fact-checking, depth of research, logical flow.
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I love to read ^_^
Favorite Item Types
Poetry, Short Stories, Articles / Essays
Public Reviews
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Review of Bumble Boy  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


The plot centers around a boy who never fit in to his father's perception of what a boy ought to be, and was ridiculed and berated for that until he found something he delighted in and was good at, although still not what his father expected, he knew he would be good at it and make his dad proud An accident end his hope and he resigns himself to a fate as the recipient of his dad's ire. As a story, it is told from Jonathan's recollection, as he wakes in the hospital after the injury, and immediately is confronted by the reality that he is not important, and concludes that without the ability to play well, he will remain that boy who is never first or admired in his father's eyes. Always damaged, as is the tree outside his window in the hospital ~ a good vehicle for comparison and to bring the story full circle.

The transitions between the hospital and Jonathan's recollections are natural and well spaced; with segments being recalled over a period of time, kind of like chapters in a novella*Smile*

Each character maintains his/her personality and voice throughout. I am left with the slightest feeling that although it was an accident, there might be some satisfaction on the part of Jon's brother, Bobby. His father comes across as a bit one dimensional to me; unless the stoicism is intentional, for example, when he sees Jon'a ruined bloodied hand for the first time, there isn't much reaction; and there is no apparent remorse or any extra feeling by anyone when he is first introduced in the hospital, including his mother.

Apparently, with the loss of his ability to play, he's relegated to even less than Bumble Boy (the nickname given him by his father upon first noting his clumsiness at sports). (The only affection or Jon appears to be from his mother, and that mainly pity when she first learns of the nickname.)

I found very little telling and only a few inconsistencies in the story (i.e., where Jon reaches for the spoon they had been playing with in the disposal, then before he can get his hand on the 'toy' the mechanism is engaged.) ???

Thank you for offering this poignant story of lost hopes!
Keep Writing!
Kate
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


The story begins with awakening to find a stranger's face in the mirror and a stanger's recollections (the bombing) in the mind to be annoyed about. The story continues with the realization that the very room and surroundings have become those of the past, as have the events that will occur. Stepping into the life of a beloved grandmother and reliving her first meeting with her grandfather. The ending tells me it's more than just a dream, as she falls asleep to dream of her 'memories.' Great premise, well portrayed.*Smile*

I have but a few comments for your consideration. Use of "woken" twice in close proximity, suggest perhaps "awakened that early" in the opening paragraph, then "woken" in the natural speech???

The next paragraph, perhaps describe (show) sleepily (telling); i.e., something like "I shuffled to the bathroom for a shower" or some other visual image of how she goes to the shower, rubbing her eyes, eyes half closed, ???

Suggest a pause, between "indepedent" and "much to the horror..." (comma to separate and emphasize.

"I had a long hot shower..." consider splitting into two sentences. "Finding no answer..." to start the second, a bit more active???

"At the side of the wardrobe..." again a bit telling, consider rewording to be more active "I found," or "I discovered frilly underwear..." In place of 'lovely' describe what was lovely about it.??? also, it would be "complement" (match with) instead of "compliment" (praise)

also consider a rewording where you have "imagine" and "imaginable" within two sentences. ???

"I discovered that the man I admired... was a titled gentleman" (again, 'gentlean' used twice in quick succession; suggest keeping the occurrene that is the actual title.

Thank you for offering this delightful step into the past^_^
Keep Writing!
Kate
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Review of Miraculous Song  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


It's great to read a story with a happy conclusion, and the title really fits^_^ I see you have a forum requesting help with the ending, so I won't coment in depth here.

I see some telling throughout the story, i.e., opening with the description of her age, if you want to make note of it, suggest something to focus on being lonely/alone to lead up to her worry about her husband. i.e., something like,

"Alona Winters worried as she waited for her husband to come home. Since her retirement from the orchestra, the 51 year old choral director marked the hours until his return with ever increasing worry." what I'm aiming for here is to pull the reader in with the visual and emotional image that can then be expanded upon with the description of her surroundings, and why she worries. Then the backstory about the baby answers the reason why she is lonely - her husband is all she has.

I also suggest eliminating the omniscient phrases, i.e., "little did she know..." "the problem was she didn't realize..." and hold to the same voice throughout.

I noticed in your port that you have a forum requesting endings, so I will just add a small comment here for your consideration - it seems a bit hurried. When Stanley and Alona realize the nature of their relationship, that's a key turning point in the story, and Carl's arrival can be more vivid - i.e., note Stanley's resemblance, perhaps, to the young Carl - maybe Carl stops short seeing a mirror image of himself, or someone who looks familiar???

The time period of one month before adoption seems a bit short for Stanley to remember the song - perhaps a little longer? or perhaps this could be kind of a miracle?

The conversation with Stanley - could be a little more in depth, or the reference to it; i.e., was this Stanley's first attempt at burglary because of his money problems? we know he's alone because he moves in, but a bit more on why if you think it's relevant? you don't want it too long, else it will detract from the message, but I do think the reason for Stanley's burglary is a loose end if he will be moving in with his parents.

relate it to the anniverary perhaps and the empty vase that awaited flowers is no longer empty, their son has come home.

I note a few places where your spellchecker failed and a few grammatical nits ~ (in case= space missing; intention; "tell me where you keep your money" instead of 'wear'; "He swore constantly" in place of 'swear'; "another reason for them to leave" in place of 'another reason for their leave"

Thank you for offering this uplifting story that leaves me with a smile!
Keep Writing!
Kate
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I love the definition of editors as "amateurs with cloudy eyes" and can empathize with the "skinny black needles poking..." *Thumbsup*

so roll up the sleeves, here's a needle*Blush*

Reading aloud, the visual and tactile expression of the writing process is detailed, flowing and clicking like one typing, the writing process reduced to the mechanical expression of the act alone.*Star*

Note, a couple of download issues "plastic" "slipping" "amateurs" are easily corrected and don't detract from my enjoyment of the work.

One question that slows me a bit ~ "evaluating its..." ???

I absolutely love the conclusion - seeing it as a reward for typing*Smile* and then the editor*Star* I will think of this when I read edits on my work ~ aptly depicted*Thumbsup*

Keep Writing!
Kate

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*Star*Thank you leann
for my sweet Dove "On the Wings of a Dove*Heart*

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Review of Mental Salvation  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like the choice of lambs instead of sheep - somehow kinder, so perhaps more would continue reading, regardless of their political persuasion*Smile*

I like the touch of alliteration in the second stanza, the lambs that laud a leader ~ a memorable quote actually ~ "I must be the mole" i'm not up on a mole's role with passing intelligence, or is the reference to working underground, or beneath the surface? then the opening of the next stanza, would lambs fear a mole as such?

"i shall not give the new wool, ...new thoughts" ***** Great!! (memorable again as a take off on teaching to fish, instead of giving them a fish)

next stanza, question "a truce" ? is this in relation to war? if so, it's the only direct reference?

the final stanza, 'dawn's glow caresses my back' ~ the image of a mole is kind of cast aside being in the sunlight?

check the fourth line here, last word, a download glitch

the final line, perhaps consider deleting 'the' and ending with "as thinking lambs awaken." ???

You make me think with this poem, and some really memorable imagery to reflect upon the ideas you put forth.

Keep Writing!
Kate

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*Star*Thank you leann
for my sweet Dove "On the Wings of a Dove*Heart*

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Review of When  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Smile*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


Thank you for this beautiful treatise on love - the images are peaceful and reflect joy and hope. I like the their progression, from what will be, perhaps imagined or just wished, to what actually is. Makes one believe in the possibility of such a love.

Reading aloud, the rhyming adds a lilting quality to the words and augments the upbeat feeling. The rhythm is fairly even.

I noted no spelling or grammar inconsistencies.

Beautiful, poignant image.

Thank you!
Keep Writing!
Kate
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Review of Dan  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Smile*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed the depth of your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


The plot of two HIV/Aids patients meeting and their discussion; one who is hopeful and one who has long ago given up hope; and their individual perceptions of how society sees (or ignores) HIV infected people. Aa I finish reading, I leave thinking how little has changed since the setting of your story ~ more open and visible acknowledgement of the disease(s) but still knee jerk reactions and perceptions; and denigrating the sufferers as having brought about their own illness.

The conversation between the two men is realistic and each holds his voice well - Dan bitter and angry; Alex hopeful, more positive. Alex, however, sees his perception change and become more realistic at the end; he is changed by his interaction with Dan - very well portrayed - it's the impression I am left with as well.*Star*

Where action is described, I note a few places, in particular where the nurses come and go, that seem to be less natural and detailed. Suggest showing how the nurse walks in or out, if a needle is jabbed, for example, or a nose turned up, or no eyes met???

Also, where Dan reflects on Alex's words ~ the voice seems to go back an forth, suggest a simpler introduction, then perhaps italicize his first-person questions to himself to set them out? i.e., something like "His words float around in my mind, though I try to push them away. ..." more defined and personal like simple thoughts, more impact???

Also, undefined for me, "They call him two hours later.." who is they and whom do they call - I think the nurses, orderlies, come to check on Alex? or to take his body? -???

one grammar nit - the paragraph beginning "Exactly! How can you sit there,..." end of sentence, should read "...who it seems to affect!" (not affect)*Blush*

Thank you for offering this insightful, thought-proking and all too realistic story!
Keep Writing!
Kate
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Review of Love Caught  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


I enjoyed the images of being in love, seeing with each other's eyes, first with the imagination, then making it reality. Would that it be so.

Reading aloud, the images flow smoothly from one to the next, and the repetition works to describe the transition from dream to reality*Smile*

I noted a few nits in your download, I not capitalize in the first stanza, dream (double r); the hyphen in it's and a dropped s in knows in the second stanza (beginning with I'm all alone)

Thank you for offering this poignant and hopeful image of what might be!
Keep Writing!
Kate
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Review of Dying Wish  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I was really moved by your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


Wiping the tear from my eye, I repeat it was moving, well told from a child's viewpoint, not understanding the why but having to deal with the reality of the madness that is war.

Reading aloud, I note your use of rhyming and used the edit points to make suggestions as to the rhythm, while trying not to disturb the sense of poignant wonderment maintained throughout.

The image stays with me after I have finished reading.
Thank you for offering this powerfully written, though-provoking work!
Keep Writing!
Kate
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Review of My Story  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


I too was in another forum and left for wdc and empathize with your words ~ welcome back ^_^

Reading aloud, there is a lilting quality to your poem, held together by the rhyming and good rhythm. It's a pleasure to read. I was slowed just a bit by repetition of some of the words, i.e., 'here' appears several times; consider perhaps synonyms where you don't need it for the rhyming???

Altogether an enjoyable read^_^

Keep Writing!
Kate
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Review of Ascent  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I enjoyed reading your senryu ~ left me with a feeling of calm satisfaction

Stayed true to the senryu form*Thumbsup*

Memorable "I alight softly on love" could be a feather's touch or soft landing*Smile*

Thank you for sharing this beautiful image,
Keep Writing!
Kate

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*Star*Hope to see your stories and poems in my first contest*Smile**Down*

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*Star*Thank you leann
for my sweet Dove "On the Wings of a Dove*Heart*

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Review of THANK YOU!  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you for taking me places I have never seen, showing me visions I have never dreamed, and with your words sharing joy, sadness, hope. Your courage and growth in the face of increasing personal adversity and challenge, is a constant source of inspiration to me.

My fellow writer, I will remember you for a long time,

Keep Writing!
Kate
(wistful rune)

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*Star*Hope to see your stories and poems in my first contest*Smile**Down*

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*Star*Thank you leann
for my sweet Dove "On the Wings of a Dove*Heart*

RAOK's logo image.  This is a shared image, so feel free to use its item number.

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Review of maybe  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


Perhaps, though sad, there's also hope, she's learned to wait and listen for the moment to be right, to know when just to hold a hand ~ that's the image I'm left with at the end of her journey. Learning to hear what isn't always spoken with words.

Reading aloud, there are several rhyming schemes I sense, but the images are vivid and progress in a logical manner, leading to the poignant conclusion.

I note a few places where I was slowed ~ the apostrophe droped in download, I presume in the last line third stanza, should read "Whats so special 'bout the skies?" and a delayed comma in the last line, should read "Maybe, if life's road..."

The third stanza, last line, though emotionally charged, seems a bit off balance to me, perhaps tighten the image by removing "Any" as it's implied in the line before, so something like,
"Tender moments, felt her heart would tear." what think you of the rhythm, still not quite there??

The ending seems to show her now also musing about life, learning to hear*Star*

Thank you for offering this provocative and poignant work!
Keep Writing!
Kate
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Review of Better Than This  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really enjoyed reading your poem. I can see you doing this, as a healer or therapist. Your words evoke a sense of first trepidation, then anticipation, finally accomplishment and accomplishment. The ending lines help propel the eye forward, which offering a slight pause to absorb what has transpired.*Star*

Reading aloud, the free form verse has a fairly even rhythm, helped along by the repetition in the ending lines, and their pogressing from the possible to the actual to the positive*Star*

I am slowed in but a few places, "...where possible" the rhythm falters for me with the rest of the stanza; consider a two syllable word perhaps something like "...where I could" ???

The second last paragraph, "therapy" is generalized and again suggest a shorter syllable word that's more immediately personal, consider i.e., "healing" or "treatment" ~ treatment especially more tactile, evokes a laying on of hands, touching.*Smile* What think you?

I also repeat a comment I received from some forum monitors, who took me to task for writing in pastel colors; on a white background, they can be hard for some to read. I see purple as a healing color myself, but some would avoid reading your poem because it's hard for them to see.

Thank you for offering this provocative work.
Keep Writing!
Kate
I really enjoyed reading ths

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Review of Never  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really enjoyed reading your poem. The free verse style suits your topics ~ interesting take on the newspaper, by the way.

Reading aloud, there is balance and symmetry starting several lines with the same opening words, shades of a list poem, modeled somewhat after the style of Walt Whitman, which I personally enjoy.

Thank you for sharing your first poem, I look forward to reading more^_^
Keep Writing!
Kate

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Review of She's the girl.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Smile*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


I read a progression from despair and disharmony who finds a kindred spirit who believes in her, and leaves me with a sense of hope and a smile after I finish reading.*Star* Hope it's a truth (especially at the end).

Reading aloud, the images follow a logical progression, and the rhyming of the second and fourth lines of each stanza hold each together well. The rhythm is fairly even, and I see but a couple places where I am slowed in reading - i.e., fifth stanza, secon line, suggest using "Who fell for you" rather than "That" as defining a person... and the final line, an apostrophe was dropped in your upload "That's what I love you for." (had to show the whole line, with the one before, conveys such a beautiful image)

Thank you for offering this poignant and heartfelt work!
Keep Writing!
Kate
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Review of Love Is  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


Such beautiful images expressd in loving verse*Heart* You leave me with a smile*Smile*

Reading aloud, I like the opening "Love is..." starting each stanza and the images fit together well, held by the rhyming. The rhythm of the stanzas is fairly even, I'm picturing a modified free verse.

A suggestion for your consideration ~ first stanza third line, "The guy that..." suggest "The guy who..." (personal rather than impersonal)???

Thank you for leaving me with such beautiful images.
Keep Writing!
Kate
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*Smile*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


I can see why this poem is a prize winner for the chosen theme ~ the flag as a symbol of freedom and honest heartfelt pride in its display*Star* The images are beautiful and patriotism shows throughout, even choice of color for the text.

Reading aloud, the rhythm is fairly even, I note but a couple of places where I am slowed a bit ~
the line "My mind takes off in wings" ? "on wings" more accurate visually perhaps??; and the next line I want to read with a similar beat, but the extra syllable challenges that ~ suggest perhaps either contracting "I am" to "I'm" or deleting "all" and keeping just alone??? see how those possibilities sound to you??

The final image is powerful and remains with me after I have finished reading, espcially the second last line "freedom without fear" ~ so beautiful.

Thank you for offering this powerfully written work!
Keep Writing!
Kate
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Review of You are not alone  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I was really moved by reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


I was drawn into the images from the beginning, and you did not let go. Compelling vivid images throughout. i.e, oceans of people, and tears as raindrops *Heart*

Reading aloud, as free verse, the rhythm is fairly even throughout and the images flow smoothly one to the next, to arrive at the final bold statement ~ wonderful to share with someone suffering depression or a recent loss of a loved one or relationsip. The images remain with me after I have finished reading.

I have but one suggestion, to maintain the capitalization of first letters throughout for harmony (i.e., 10th and 4th last lines?)

Thank you for offering this provocative work!
Keep Writing!
Kate
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Review of My Rhyming Haiku  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


I'm finding a lot of image play here ~ not only the rhyming and using green is a nice touch ~ summer realism; as well as citing the season. I can also read the first line of each stanza as an image ~ a lot of creativity*Smile*

Reading aloud, the 5 7 5 syllable count is maintained, as are the line counts for this chain. However, since it deals with human emotion, it would actually be a Senryu, I believe, and not Haiku, which deals strictly with observed nature.

I like the images, they stay with me as I smile after having read your poem.

Thank you for offering this uplifting work!
Keep Writing!
Kate
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Review of Quake  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Smile*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I was really touched by your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


How innocently, almost dispassionately at the beginning, as if a performance or play, to describe a horrific experience. The images build in their intensity to the final one of praying for the performance to be over ~ profoundly written.

Reading aloud, the rhythm is fairly even. I am slowed by just a word ~ griping ~ is gripping the intent, or perhaps it's just a less ocmmon word being used?

The image remains with me after having finished reading and I find myself wishing also that the performance is ended once and for all.

Thank you for offering this provocative and powerfully written work!
Keep Writing!
Kate
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Review of Touch Me  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Smile*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


Beautiful vivid imagery abounds in your free verse poem, and I find myself reading aloud in a near whisper. Very compelling. How a chance encounter or brief encounter can lead to such lasting emotion.

Reading aloud, the imagery is well portrayed, and the rhythm fairly even throughout.

I can see this as a spirit, or a person relating a memory ~ the images do stay with me after having finished reading*Heart*

Thank you for offering this provocative work!
Keep Writing!
Kate
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273
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Smile*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


Personalizing doubt and ennui as well, I am seeing; vivid images ~ I like the red cloak image of creativity, talent*Star* preparing for a face-off at the end ~ I can see the protagonist as the winner here*Smile*

Reading aloud, the flow is fairly even throughout; each stnza holds a compelling image.

Two spots hold me up a bit ~ "pained glass" ~ are you intending to create an image of the glass with a warped or painful look, or "paned" glass??

also, is the sky lightening up? or lightning? in the second last stanza.

Thank you for offering this provocative work!
Keep Writing!
Kate
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wistful rune ~ …
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274
274
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Smile*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


I was fully engaged by the adventure of Amy and Fred ~ good visual description of the characters; "the little man" delightfully described from a child's eye view*Star* I like his discourse with Fred, calling him "sir" puts his size in good perspective.

I think this is a delightful story, and look forward to reading more of their adventures ~ can see a fun series grow from this trio that kids would anticipate reading*Thumbsup*

I have but a few comments for your consideration,
Fourth paragraph, consider "Fred was not to be distracted" in place of being??? as more authoritative perhaps

also your download added a space to "thickest" in the next paragraph

Remember to separate quoted phrases from the rest of the sentence, i.e., "Please ask your servant to stop throwing me, for a start," the little man sniffed. (Love the visual image there*Star*)

I also enjoyed the vivid detail about how Amy was able to move the log ~ the process true and something a kid could try ~ a taste of science *Smile*

Good ending, offering a promise of more delightful adventures.

Thank you for offering this delightful fantasy!
Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …
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Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes
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Special Thanks to kelly1202 for my Adorable Sig*Heart*

{image:976770]

{image:748948}

275
275
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


This would work well to introduce your novel, good opening paragraph, not sure if the novel is about the mother or daughter, but in either instance, it is a good, detailed opening, which introduces the characters well and in goo visual detail*Smile*

I suggest you keep to one tense in the first paragraph, not only for consistency but to pull the reader in. You state her beliefs "are shattered" *Thumbsup*, so suggest saying "you lose your husband," ~ that's keeping it all immediate, pulling me in to the next paragraph where you explain why you can no longer promise your children...

Second paragraph, you describe the process of the kids going to school, so "dressed for school." (already implied); also suggest "...in bed asleep unti the older children have left..."

Next paragraph, suggest start with "Now you wake up every morning..." in place of suddenly; ad later "seeking guidance" (deleted "for").

Paragrah where you describe your father leaving ~ I think your download dropped a word, "disappeared and was never heard from again..." and "How are your youngest children ...all boys going to grow up..." instead of "can grow up"

Next paragraph, "...heart broken into little pieces" suggested in place of "in little pieces" and "grappling" in place of "grappled" and keep the singular "an ordinary woman who has had to respond" (what a beautiful image here*Star*)

The ending sums up the ideas well and stays with me, making me want to read more.*Heart*

Thank you for offering this story of courage and fidelity!
Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …
** Image ID #1067047 Unavailable **

~~Image #4000 Sharing Restricted~~
Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes
** Image ID #1085994 Unavailable **

Special Thanks to kelly1202 for my Adorable Sig*Heart*

{image:976770]

{image:748948}

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