Thank you for your entry in the Hummingbird "HUM" Poetry contest.
You entered your poem, "Night", which you list as a small poem, but I must tell you that it is FULL of fabulous writing!
What I liked about your poem: I loved the flow, the mood of it, it felt like a walk with a lover after dark, and he whispered words of love unexpectedly in my ear. That's what I felt like as I followed your poem down to the last word.
My favorite line: All of it was a such a dream, a dark flowing dream. I loved the way you repeated the last line of the previous line into a work of art.
I saw your poem on the site and thought that I had to review this truth tale of a poem.
Your poem, "Not By Chance" really cuts through the excuses that are usually provided when men don't want to tell the truth behind the breakup.
I thought is was amusing that you used the different cliche remarks and thought of your own, but didn't want to sink to the lower walk of life by using it.
This line stood out for me: "But I remained quiet. I knew it wasn’t by chance
this end for me, this beginning for you." It struck me because it was the line that expressed the reality of your breakup and the emotions you held inside.
I was out browsing around on the site,a nd I saw your poem, "Tiananmen" and felt that this was a powerful piece that I must review.
Your poem is about the foster care system and how they fail to recognize the love and true feelings that develop with many of the parents and the children who see their foster brothers and sisters as family. The children become pawns in a game, being placed even if the home they are in doesn't want to lose them.
These lines are so STRIKING to me and I include them here: "They said she was “just a foster child” –
we had no right to contest her new placement.
But I tried. I stood in the driveway,
attempting to block the inevitable.
They drove her away and I still stood there,
certain a tank had just run over me." There is so much strength and hope in the eyes of a child, they believe in spite of the reality of the situation, and can inspire others to stay strong and continue to love. The way you describe the child standing as her foster sister was taken away just brings up images of a child in a third world country being forcibly removed from a family, and it is a powerful one!
You really did a great job with this poem Alicia and I am so glad that I had a chance to review it for you!
Well, here is the second review for your winning bid in the SYAA auction.
I chose your poem, "You", and it was such a treat in spite of the melancholy feeling throughout the piece.
I enjoyed the repeating lines, it was almost like a chant and helped to maintain the mood of the poem.
This is my favorite stanza: "Silent I sat, dear,
noting your contentedness;
I've long sat here with my tears." What stuck out to me is the entreating tone utlizing the word, "dear", which is almost a word of endearment, yet a chiding because of your rescuers placid mood while you were in tears. Good, very good and I like it!
You have such a good collection of poems that I really cannot wait to review more of your port.
This review is part of the HUM Raiders review from the Hummingbird group and for your review, I am reviewing, "Come Back to Us", a story that combines the sci-fi genre with the story of a family learning to cope with the separation of the father to a space station on Mars.
I think that you really took an interesting turn with this story, combining the different elements, and the relationship side of the story really was done very well.
I don't read many stories where the writer examines the musings of a father that is providing the childcare, and that has to be a missed area, even though, it is pretty prominant in our society.
I feel that you take fragments from your own life, and express them without inhibition in your work, and it is a refreshing blend.
I hope your book develops even farther for you and thanks for providing it for the group raid!
I thought I would review your poem titled, "The Salesman" because it has a really good other view of the life of the salesman we all consider to be annoying. We all need to remember that this person doesn't visit us because they have nowhere to go, but to live their life, the best way they know how.
YOu know you are hated and despised, 'cause of your occupation, but you are trying to live a life that is honest and true.
Your poem captures this from the beginning to the end, and it made me stop and think about what a tough skin people who sell door to door must have.
This review is part of your port review from "Simply Everything" and I have again chosen a work of poetry from your journal of writing. This poem, "Ragged Doll" is a bitterly honest look at how you felt during a traumatic period in your life.
I could relate to the feeling of just being weakened and unable to carry your own life, the way you'd like to see it go. When one goes through serious setbacks, it is as if you are some toy that anyone could play with or toss wherever they feel at the moment; it is the feeling of vulneralbility and helplessness that can be so overwhelming.
I felt you captured this so well in your poem for I envisioned a used Raggedy Ann doll as I read through your poem, and it made me feel sad.
These lines from your stanza: "My hopes and my dream ends with that fall
I am now like a ragged doll.
Carried to wherever I go to,
I have nothing to do." They truly epitomize the thoughts of this poem so clearly and distinctly.
Again, I applaud you for getting it out onto paper. This way, you can look back at it when this time has passed knowing that you are not truly a ragged doll.
This is a review of your piece, Bleeding Inside, which recants a terrible account of a young woman who is abused at an early age, and it changes her life.
I must say that this was very hard to read, Sjolie, and I know it had to be even harder to write this story. The truth, the brutal truth, is so hard to read and comprehend, and it was tough to conceive of what was written on the screen before me.
I applaud you for facing this evil, deranged figure head-on, and revealing it for the world to look at and revile him.
Your ending was hopeful, caring and promised a future with healing and safety.
So, here is anothe review of the items in your port and I snuck upon this suspenseful work titled, "The Charmer", which is the story of a young girl who is sent to live with her aunt but is kidnapped by an unsuspecting couple who feel they are doing the poor children they take a favor.
The movement of the story was pretty steady; the dialogue interesting, and in line with the time period. The couple seemed very subtle, demure, not dangerous, yet they did take someone else's child and regardless of how they appear, which is the point of your story, what they did was wrong.
Not that you were wondering but I did not find any spelling, grammatical, or punctuation errors in your post.
I stumbled upon your port when I saw this item, "More About Me" which made me curious to find out about this generous, creative person.
I did not read your original work, "A Bit about Me", but I feel as if you've opened a curtain on a part of your life that is free and sincere.
I think that it is great that you are don't enjoy phony relationships, choosing to want real interactions in your life.
I really think that you are a wonderful person, true and caring and I think you have a thing for the newer members of the site, not that you've been here long yourself, but you remember how it feels to not know anyone or how to get around here.
I enjoyed reading your biographical piece and hope to review more of your work!
Till the next review,
THe TaLe oF CoCo ADoRe
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This is part of your port review that we give our Newbies who are members of "Adopt a Newbie" when they become adopted.
For your first review, I chose your personal narrative titled, "Operations? Meet Support" which tells of a novice's flight on a military transport.
The speaker lives on works in Support on the base, and normally is not involved in operational flights, but this time, the base commander gets a burr up his shorts and wants the Support staff to participate.
It is a crisply, tight told story with no frills, but a few giggles, nonetheless.
Nicely done, Sue and I'll see you on the next review!
Hi there, Christina! I am giving you this review since you are a member of Adopt a Newbie group, and we R&R our Newbies!
I am reviewing your poem, "God Will Hold My Hand One Day" and it is a lovely affirmation to the act you look forward to fulfiling someday.
I like your rhyming scheme and it doesn't feel forced as many do.
There wasn't one line that stood out for me, but all in all, it was endearing to read.
I think you have a good start with your poetry and look forward to reviewing more of your work.
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and I wanted to give you a review for your work!
Your poem, "Another broken promise" rings true like the cry of so many of women, when we feel our hopes shattered, and all we can do is watch the scatter around in vain.
I am going to go through stanza by stanza, if you don't mind:
Another broken promise.
Another shattered dream.
Another night of crying.
Love is never what it seems.Isn't this so true? I like the solidness of your lines, nice work.
Another broken promise.
Another day gone by.
Another night without you.
One more vicious lie.Just feel so denied when the lies take what was valuable from your life.
Another broken promise.
Another cloud in view.
Another disapointment.
Why do I trust in you?There never is a reason, only the desire to trust again. To end your own emptiness. Nice work here too.
Another broken promise.
Another broken heart.
Another prayer to bring you back.
I hate to be apart.Yes, this is what gets us in the end. Not wanting to be alone has sealed many a deal to bring a close, hopefully, to the rainy nights.
This was a very nice poem, Christina and I liked how your words flowed and didn't feel nor read as forced.
As I reviewed your work, I did not find any spelling, punctuation, or grammtical errors in your post.
I have been wanting to complete a couple of reviews of your writing, and though I have not reached "a couple" just yet, I would like to start with your comedy piece, "50th Anniversary" which was an editor's pick for a favorite piece in the WDC Comedy newsletter for August 30th.
I thought that this was very well done, and the humor was so slick and cleverly relayed that I didn't see it coming. Subtlety is not a something easily learned but you seem to have a gift for it in your writing.
There was this one line that I did want to point out with a punctuation issue that can be easily corrected.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Byron, son number one ... "Sorry I'm running late.
The running ... don't need to be used here. You might want to consider using a period and end the thought.
As far as the punchline of the story, that was just great and I found myself laughing out loud!
Very good job, ahshera and I can't wait to dig through more of your port.
I came across your portfolio inside of the "Adopt-a-Newbie" forum and found this emotional, real gem inside, waiting for a review.
Your heartfelt, true essay titled, "A Walk Through Despair" which details, in part, a time in your life when you had to recover from a relationship that was stolen from your grasp, is very encouraging as it takes us to a place where you find healing and renewal.
As you speak of the first few days while you recovered, of the days and the nights seeming long and empty, the time patterns disjointed, I could feel a sense of connectiveness with your descriptions, as you create a visual with your words that is moving.
I loved how you speak of your "re-birth at the end of it all, a new view on your life, your educational pursuits, your musical aspirations, it sounds like the this walk, though very painful, helped to show you a whole other side of yourself. And that had to be good, in the end.
Very good piece, John and I'll see you on the next review!
The Tale Wishes WDC Happy B'day!: The tale is not over. She has only begun:
This review is part of your port review for "Simply Everything!"
For this review, I chose a special poem you wrote called, "Yesterday and Today" which is a lighthearted, yet moving tribute to your father as you realize all that he is in your life, now that time has brought it to light.
There aren't many people who can not relate to the first few lines:
"Today I found a hair in my ear
Wondered why it was harder to hear
Are those glasses on now on my face?
Have I been this long in the race?
And you just continue on in this manner throughout your poem and I found myself chuckling at the truth that I know I've tried to hide from in my own life.
There is so much love in this work, and I know that your family was touched, as we were, for your sharing your innermost realities with them.
Not to mention, that it is well written from beginning to end!
While reviewing your poem, I did not find any spelling, grammatical or punctuation errors...great job!
This review is part of your port review from "Simply Everything"! For your review today, I have chosen your work, "Changes", which is a poem on how as we age, our thoughts on things changing is more like our parents, the older we get.
When we are young, we welcome the changing scenes in our lives and they don't seem to move fast enough for us. Yet, as things to move along a that quickened pace, we feel as if we are being bombarded by it all.
What I like in your poem is that you address the fears, showing that they are a necessary evil for us to have another day.
One of my favorite lines from your poem is:
"The rules of the game
Have changed and how to play"
I find this poignant because there is always some new process, a new rule for living with each passing day and if we don't learn how to flow with it, we will be washed off to the side because life will go on, whether you choose to play or not.
Another good poem, Emilbus and as usual, I enjoyed reading through it.
The Tale Wishes WDC Happy B'day!
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This review is part of your port review from "Simply Everything" and I thought that you seem to have some pretty good ideas, and your "Abstract Observations" piece sounded interesting.
You did not disappoint me with this commentary and it contained many of the same thoughts that I, and others, have thought at one time or the other in our lives.
I totally agreed wholeheartedly with the disparity that rages in our society with the difference in social class vs. working class, but I found myself drifting in the second half of your talk.
First off, we don't have a say so in what is done here. We are told that we do but our "elected officials" have taken the weight of all that decision-making from off of our sallow shoulders, so this is what we now get: silly ideas that are heralded as monumental and forward thinking all in the name of protecting America. While I don't think it is "fair" that the original descendants don't hold claim to the land, what does that have to do with the people who are living here today, who weren't involved with the first deceitful act? I think that we have to understand that whoever is in power, wants to keep it that way. No matter who they are.
But that's just me. I think that your observations could strike up a lengthy editorial style response, but I don't want to stray too much from what this review is about. The writing and it is good!
I have reviewed some of your other works, Emilbus and they only seem to get better and better all of the time!
I like what you've done here and you are inspiring me to write down some of MY thoughts and observations, oh boy!
Keep up the great writing and I'll see you in the next review.
Coco Adore ThanksGrade Angels!: The tale is not over. She has only begun:
I just was looking for something good to review for you and I came across your contest for Newbies, "The Drop Off Box = For Newbies" and I think that this is an awesome forum that pushes the writing level for the newbie in here at WDC.
The Group to manage the Cabin 5/15 celebration. by Tammy~Catchin Up~
, awards prizes and accolades for the best poem and short story entry from a newbie.
Now, only newbies who has been a member of Writing.Com for 60 days or less (counting back from the first day of current month.) And "newbie" for the purposes of the contest, refers to anyone whose portfolio creation date is June, 1, 2006 or after. Entrants from earlier contests may also enter as long as the creation date falls within the months that will be listed above. But you need to find something new to enter because previous entries are not valid.
Posts must be a static item from the Newbies's portfolio in a bitem link form, as long as it is a poem with 40 lines or less or a short story 10kb or less. There are no exceptions on these rules. And any genre as long as it has a content rating of 13+ or less.
Only (1) entry per Newbie is allowed, Newbies or members posting on someone else's behalf may post multiple entries as long as they fall witin the posting guidelines.
All Newbies that qualify for the contest will receive 50 points with a review.
The month's Overall Winner will receive an Angel Merit Badge and the first place poetry and short story winners will receive 10,000 GPS!!!
I think that this is an outstanding contest for Newbies and would encourage our newbies to enter their BEST work for a chance for a worthy award!
Very nice forum, Tammy, I really enjoyed browsing through it.
The WFU Tale of Coco Adore
WFU Tale of Coco Adore: The tale is not over. She has only begun:
I came across your poem, "Out of the Shadows" for the Dark Writing contest and thought that I would give you some feedback on this piece.
One of the first things that I saw in this poem, is that you tried to rhyme instead of focusing on the content. It's better to have content w/o the rhyme then a rhyme that starts and stops.
Let's look at the poem itself:
Out of the Shadows
I've found out a lot about you,
Great what the Internet can do,
You told them where you'll be, at what time,
And what you'll wear;
Now I must prepare *red*This line needs punctuation. The first stanza is not that bad. Let's continue on downward.
A length of strong and supple rope,
Some gaffer tape, some liquid dope.
All are safely in my car
And I've left some room for you. or a suggested re-write: And we won't need to go far." This guy is not trying to be polite, and that is what that line sounds like to me.
I'll do what I want to. See? This is direct and opposite to the false congeniality in telling the woman you've left room for her. This fellow is going to do what he wants to do...he's not nice!
Waiting quietly in the lonely darkness,
Some may say my scheme is artless.
Out of the shadows, you appear. My lazy rope's now tightly flexed. Here I have another suggested insertion: "Soon you will diappear". It is simple but you get the idea.
The last line of the stanza above here. My lazy rope's now tightly flexed.
It coils around your tender neck.
why don't you also try: "My rope is now tightly flexed
As it coils around your tender neck."
Well, those are a few suggestion for your poem. The concept is scary because that is real life you are writing about and in that light, I become unnerved by the poem, which is what you were looking for.
As I was out browsing around for another diversion for my mind, I came across your poll, "Religion now vs. Where you are born" and thought that it might be a nice review that might get some more viewers for this interesting topic.
You are trying to get a thought process on religion and if people were born in a different country, and taught to believe in that culture at a young age, that there is a good possibility that they would practice the beliefs of the culture of which they were raised.
Now, I sat and thought about this for a moment and realized that if there were only one religion taught, and it was not Christianity, and my family raised me to believe in this other religion, that I would do as I was taught. Or not, depending on what takes place to form me during my life.
I think that this is the other part of the poll that allows the pollster to sit and rumminate over this topic and consider it for themselves.
I liked it and hope others will take the time to give you more feedback on the subject.
WFU Tale of Coco Adore: The tale is not over. She has only begun:
Ok, I am sitting in the BIG House and I understand that if I give you a review, I might be given a pardon by Governor Pass the buck. I thought it might be necessary for me to attend to this quickly so I can get out of there!
As I rummaged through your port, I came upon this poem, "ZAZEN" and it is a dizzying, dynamic, rhythymic display of the written language!
I love the concept of sitting mediatiation, running, leaping, moving, but not moving, and just sitting still. Being still.
It is one of the hardest things to do and it almost feels as if your poem wants to leap from off of the page as I read it.
Great work and I love the creativity in your lines.
While reviewing your poem, I did not find any spelling, grammatical or punctuation errors in your post.
This review is a gift review from the "Summer Potluck Party" that we attended over a week ago. I know that we didn't get a chance to talk but I did want to give you a review nevertheless.
The work that I chose for your review is "Endings and Beginnings" which is an interesting tale of love, destruction, triumph over tough situations and the bond of family all told through the eyes of a mole family. It was told in a warm and simplistic fashion which has a nice appeal.
You really made the mole family an engaging read and I found myself rooting for them to make it to safety and to the new birth of their lives, and additional offspring.
The only part that I scratched my chin over, and it doesn't take much for that to happen anyway, is the last line - "Soon, he would join the dead." and I believe it was in reference to the pigeon who was sitting on a perch inside of the church. I felt that it could've meant a couple of things. For one, that the pigeon was hurt and would soon die or that the bird was going to join the dead for a eat-a-thon, I just didn't know.
Again, nice work and I would love to read more of your work!
WFU Tale of Coco Adore: The tale is not over. She has only begun:
This review is a gift review from the "Summer Potluck Party" that we attended last week, yay!
I saw this item in your port for the "Reviewer's Club" group and I thought that this might serve a two fold purpose.
This group serves as an in-house public relations for the fundraising contests that are hosted by Pass It On, and the reviewers role is to write public reviews for these various contests. This sounds fair enough.
So, how do you become a reviewer? Well, you should review the Reviewer's Club posting and if you do a good, sample review, you can be added to the group! Oh, and there are additional perks to being member of this group:
A Reviewer's Club link will be posted at each contest Pass It on will host, leading back to the group's members, and hopefully, to more exposure to you as a reviewer. e
At various times, she will put a direct link to some fortunate reviewers post in the contests.
It will help you as a reviewer and you'll receive rewards from the Public Review System.
Now, who wouldn't mind these types of rewards!
This really sounds like a great effort, Pass and I am glad to have completed this review for you!
Reviewer's Club
WFU Tale of Coco Adore: The tale is not over. She has only begun:
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Grade Angels!: The tale is not over. She has only begun:
My lazy rope's now tightly flexed. Here I have another suggested insertion: "Soon you will diappear". It is simple but you get the idea. 
The last line of the stanza above here. 
