I came across your poem in one of the contest forums and I really wanted to review, "Cicadas", your entry for the contest.
Your poem, "Cicadas" is a perfect summer camp piece as it seemingly depicts two lovers who are being drawn apart and are hungering for the last smoldering escapade, while the cicadas make their sound into the night air.
This piece is hot, lusty and hungry and you thankfully give the lovers one last chance.
Your piece did not have any writing or grammatical errors, which is important, yet there is still more work to do for this piece.
Keep up the good work and I look forward to reviewing more of your work.
Hi Rustapple! I have been wanting to review this piece since I started as your mentor a week ago because I really liked the feel of it, right from the start. It is rather long but you are telling your story in the form of a prose and though it could be "tighter" in certain parts, it works for me. *grin*
This is a gutsy, real revealing piece of work and it took alot for you to bare yourself for us all to enter into your world. I think you deserve a just for writing it. I like how you build up the changes in your view of the relationship at the end of the stanzas. Nice work.
I do also love how you suggest by the end that even though it was "temporary", the love you feel is not. I really enjoyed reading this. As I've said in your previous reviews, try not to force the rhyming; if it takes away from the work, then you don't want to use it.
I came upon your poem, "The Island in Mountains of Green" and I was immediately struck by the incredible sense of being transported, through a keen wielder of words, to a place only found in dreams.
What beautiful imagery here in this line - "Gliding through winds above mountains of green,
They came across an island in the Western Sea." and this is the first line! I KNEW that this was going to be a feast for my reviewing eyes.
Not to mention this stanza - "Heard only was the wind to whisper--
Through the plains and trees of fir.
The scent of austin pines--
filled their souls with wine." Wow! It made me want to book a flight to Scotland or some other place that is green like this and to dream.
This is outstanding writing and I only look forward to reading the continuation "04-Gaea's Gift" so I can bask in more of your writing!
First thing that struck me about your poem, Rustapple, is the anger in your emotion, the anger, the sounds of betrayal in your words. It is good that you were able to get all of it out on paper.
Is that what you were hoping for? It was powerful, indeed.
Now that is the good part, however, here are a few suggestions.
Though we would want the reader to enter our world through strong words, we want them to WANT to come here and experience our pain, not to be confused, as if we are actually speaking to the person this was intended for. Arguments are rarely structured but our poems should attempt to use as much concentrated language to balance the free movement of the poem.
so, when I say concentrated language, I mean, that if we are going to rhyme, then we should rhyme. If we are going to use irregular beats at the end of the stanza, then we should maintain this throughout the piece. If you struggle to make a rhyme fit, and in turn, stretch the poem from its use, then it is not a good idea to use it.
In your poem, "What Did You Do?" speaks of a betrayal that has brought infidelity and lies to the relationship and now this entanglement has brought forth a child. I think that your poem was good, it is powerful and that it might have flowed easier without the rhymes.
You poem about St. Patrick is a light hearted, yet casually informative about this holiday and the person for whom we celebrate.
I liked this line, "We love to color strong drinks green,
And speak of places never seen." because it is the embodiment of the St. Patrick celebrant, especially after a few pints of the green ale.
I am reviewing the poety form, "Englyn Unodl Union" and one of the first things that I must say about this interesting poetry form from Wales is how the storytelling shows itself throughout each line. You really don't tend to shy away from the writing styles that, for many of us, would be a bit difficult and you help other poets stretch their creativity into other areas.
I can't wait to try this out for myself. Thanks again, Bianca and great work as usual.
I have ventured through your folder titled, "Senryu folder" and I really enjoyed the haikus that you offered there.
You take us from the light, "Nectar Heaven" to "Winter" your poem on a view to the outside world during a cold day; next, we walk muse with you on the thoughtlessness of "Cold Blooded Murder", which decries the killing of deer by making them "blinded" at night to "Nobody Cares", which talks about the hit and run of animals, especially the deer that takes place with very little concern.
Your folder is growing and I can't wait to see how many more haikus you will grace us with, Rixfarmgirl!
Your haiku for a contest, "Nobody's Listening" really says a lot in a few words. Though the beaver is busy fishing for his food, tending to his dam, keeping out the predators, the little beaver is the only one concerned about the babbling brook because should his water source become affected by those who don't live off of the babbling brook, he will have to find a new place to lay his head.
Your poem, "His Possession" speaks of the mystery of heart when love is involved. Even though the boy, who was now a man never learned to "love" as the girl wanted, he wanted it with all of his heart. And to lose her love, was the same as losing his life.
Your poem is striking and bold. I enjoyed reading it to the very last drop!
I look forward to reading more of your writing.
The Tale of Coco Adore
"for the love of writing...in pursuit of my dreams"
Your poem, "Beach Scene" captures the lonely serenity of a beach that all at once silent, yet very much alive in all of its beauty.
I love this line - "A sole soul sits, an intruder who ponders and pines,
Languidly losing self sense to the sensual surreal."
What an introspective view...I like it.
Great job with this poem and good luck on your entry.
The Tale of Coco Adore
"for the love of writing...in pursuit of my dreams"
This In and Out "What's Last is First" really stretches the ole' noggin when you try to think of a coherent sentence that is slightly comical; it has to be about fun, ya know?
I really liked creating the sentence and can't wait to see how someone will add onto the last word of my sentence to create their thoughts.
C'mon...stop on by!
The Tale of Coco Adore The Return Is Halted
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"for the love of writing...in pursuit of my dreams"
The In and Out "The Next Three Words" is a real catchy fun creativity charger when you need it in the midst of a long day. The mind seems to grab onto these items and just flow with fun ideas that really don't have to mean anything, yet they are pretty entertaining.
I enjoyed it and hope other stop on in for a bit.
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"for the love of writing...in pursuit of my dreams"
Your mythological poem, "Sweet Calliope" is a wonderful work of writing! How the speaker ponders on his quest for the love of sweet Calliope in such lyrical tones really touches my senses.
This line is great - "Am I not an adequate vessel?
Or worser yet,
My deepest fear."
Keep on writing Scarlet...this is good work!
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"for the love of writing...in pursuit of my dreams"
I always think that it takes guts to document your thoughts no matter how rational or irrational they may seem at the time for all of the world to see.
You do such a good job at expressing your joys, pains, frustrations and writing a compelling piece of work.
Good job!
The Tale of Coco Adore Slowly...Returns
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"for the love of writing...in pursuit of my dreams"
As I read your story entitled, "Brian's Ballad" I was struck by the honest and endearing way in which you spoke of your friend who was taken from your life so unexpectedly.
I think of how you had the stressful task of checking your friend into a mental clinic and how difficult this must have been. You never looked at your friend any different; it was just a part of "changes he had to go through" in his life. That is a sign of a true friend.
It is also good to see how you continue to want to keep his memory alive; you have many memories of the good times, as well as the trying, to reflect on when you feel the emptiness becoming too much to endure.
I also think that you would be able to share the "cleaner" memories of your son's godfather with him. Who really had a chance to know him as well as you did and who better to share this memory of Brian to your son? I think that your frienship was one that many people never, ever get to experience and that it was, and is, special and not even death can change this.
Thanks for sharing this with us all. Be blessed.
The Tale of Coco Adore Slowly
"for the love of writing...in pursuit of my dreams"
I would have to say that you are on the "star" track with these lyrics; they are thought provoking and really caught my attention.
I liked how you changed the ending for the three choruses, the meaning the same but the anguish rising all the way. Good job!
{Good or bad, through and through.
I wish I had told you,
Before God called you home,
Now how will I say thank you?} <- This is a teary line...I could see it as a country song for sure.
All in all, this is a great piece of writing and I enjoyed reading it.
The Tale of Coco Adore Slowly
{For the love of writing...in pursuit of my dreams}
I found your article on "Teaching Creative Writing" while looking for thoughts on learning. I am so glad that I "stumbled" upon your piece; you really have a good understanding of the writers' delicate psyche.
You show that you have an appreciation, both as a writer and an educator in creative writing, to ensure that you "correct" a piece by example.
I really liked this line - " It is the teacher’s job to point out the problems in a story, and then extend them to writing in general." Great thoughts!
I hope that you are accepted in the Creative Writing program; I know I would accept you!
The Review Mixer rewards program is a wonderful idea that, I hope, will encourage other members of Writing.com to take the time to give their opinions and thoughts on the work that is presented here.
I personally believe that when a writing piece is just read and not rated and/or reviewed, it can make you feel as if your work is not worth the time. Not that this is necessarily the case, but it could be inferred since the writer doesn't know how the reader feels.
I think that this is a great program and I hope more members will take advantage and get rewarded in good feelings, as well as, GPs for their reviews.
Thank you.
The Tale of Coco Adore Sneaking In
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Your song, "Mission Statement" is a well written thoughtful sounding song.
I liked your lyrics ; I could see how the narrative spoke of wanting things in life to just stop. It sounded as if the person was aching for peace; home could be the place of rest from the weariness of life.
This line - "Practice for perfection
The illness we can’t reach" *star1*
I wish I could offer a suggestion for the edit lines but I am at a loss. I am sure that you will write it the way you want real soon.
Your prose, "Golden Garbage" takes an interesting look at a situation, writer's block, that hits us all at times, but maybe not in the way that you express.
I thought that it was creative of you to take such an introspective view of this frustrating time.
I liked this line - "You really thought you were special, didn't you?
Ha, you're one piece, in a paper-world" *star1*
There was only this one spelling error - "I am surprized..." You hit the Z when it needed an S; this is not a big issue and is easily correctable.
Your story idea jogger, "You Want to Write About What?" is a simply formed but ingenious way to glean story ideas from other talented authors here at Writing.com.
This In and Out is so easy to use and I couldn't resist taking part in the brainstorming idea.
I hope more people stop by and add to this area; it could be the impetus to a new novel.
Your poem, "Inspired" rings of the sound of a person who continues to sit in disbelief of a love so intense and passionate that it held you captive; now this love has vanished like a vapor.
Yet the speaker remembers it and holds it dear.
I liked this line - "My attention has been captured.
And, held hostage inside of me.
My body left in awe" Wonderful use of words and imagery!
I look forward to reviewing more of your writing!
The Tale of Coco Adore
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