Another stunning piece! It's beautiful. I love your images. They are so vivid and real. This piece really touched a chord for me. I am wondering if you might want/need a comma after the prepositional phrase in line two of the second stanza. (After In her loving wings.) Simply beautiful.
Quite simply, this is a beautiful piece. The images are fantastic. The flow is exceptional. The color and images really add to the piece and make it complete. There isn't one thing that I would change. It's perfect. Fantastic job!!
How very tragic. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I hope that it helps you to get it out there. There are lots of other people who know what you are going through.
Suggestions
On a technical note, allow me to recommend cleaning the piece up a little bit. You have a long line of vertical text with some of your sentences being split onto different lines. I'm not sure if this was intentional or not.
Overall
This is a powerful and emotional piece. Thank you for sharing.
This is a very interesting look into your life with your cat and cats in general. The descriptions are great and I like the little bit of history in the middle.
Suggestions
You start the piece with a quote from "Collette." I'm wondering who "Collette" is. You might give a little extra information there.
There is a little spacial issue in the middle of the history section. You have a space between was and its comma and you need a space after ambivalent's comma.
Overall
This is a great introduction to your cat journal. I love how you tied in "the Cat's Meow" at the end. It is a nice touch. Great job!
That was a lot of fun to read! You kept trailing me along and I wasn't quite sure where we were going. You tied everything together very nicely at the end.
Suggestions
None!
Overall
This is a great short story. The dialog and descriptive details are terrific. I love how the detective tied everything up in a nice little package. Everything makes perfect sense. Great job!!
This is a lovely little story. It feels so realistic. I can see it all happening. The reactions and dialog read true to life.
Suggestions
I was a trifle confused by the way you started the story. Correct me if I'm wrong, Jim is the one she's in love with. In the first sentence, I did not get the idea that Jim was the one talking.
You might consider rephrasing that to make it more clear that it is Jim and not some phantom guy. Perhaps, instead of saying "His voice as Jim and I stood," you could just say "His voice as he and I stood." Just an idea. Also, in the eighth paragraph, I think the semi-colon should be a comma.
Overall
I enjoyed reading this story. It's well thought out and executed. I really enjoyed reading her reactions to him. It so very realistic. You've really nailed that character. Great job!
This certainly is something to think about. I like the idea about feeling more and thinking less. Sometimes we just think too much!
Suggestions
None!
Overall
This piece is very succinct. You say a lot with a small amount of words. I think that makes it more powerful. The audience understands the meaning immediately. Great job!
This is a lovely little piece. Was it meant to be a Haiku? I ask because the format is so close to haiku. If it is supposed to be a haiku, your syllabics are a little off. The format of a haiku is three lines with syllables of 5-7-5. This piece is 6-7-6.
Also, if it is supposed to be a haiku, you might indicated that in the brief description. This is completely optional of course. However, I find it a little hard to rate not knowing if it is supposed to be a haiku or not.
If not, I would recommend that you expand it a little bit. Give us a better idea of what April means. What do the flowers look like? Perhaps give us a glimpse of the nights getting a little longer.
If so, I would say that you need to work on your syllabics a little bit. The first line would be very easily taken from 6 syllables to 5. All you would have to do is change "jumping" to "jump."
Still, all in all, it is a very pretty little piece. You've given me a little glimpse of the beginning of spring. If you change this piece, I would be more than happy to take a second look at it and re-review the piece.
This is an intriguing piece. It really reads like a detective show. It reminds me of those old detective shows. I like that the paragraphs are short. Within the shortness of the paragraphs and some sentences, it could come across as choppy. But, in this case, I feel it helps the flow and adds that old-school detective feel.
I admit that I got a trifle lost/confused in the beginning. I wasn't sure what was occurring in the present and what was the flashback. This is just in the first paragraph. Perhaps, you could reword it to better illustrate that she is telling her story? I think that is what you are going for here; however, I'm not getting that vibe. It seems more like his imagining or a flashback.
Other than that, I enjoyed reading this piece. I wasn't sure what was going to happen. The ending surprised me a little bit. You pieced all the pieces together nicely. I like the way you ended the piece. Great job!
This is a great start. I love the pirate talk and it feels real. For me, the idea of calling a place "home" and being uncomfortable there is discordant. In the first paragraph, you say how many passers through thought of it as home. In the second paragraph, you say that not many people felt comfortable there. For me, it seems contradictory.
Suggestions
There's one sentence in the letter portion that doesn't flow as well as the rest. I am so sorry, I am writing this even as my own tears are falling because I just found out.
I think the comma should be a period. You might take a look at the part after the comma to see if there might be a better way to say it. To me, it doesn't feel natural. This is just my personal opinion.
Halfway through the last section, there are a couple things in the sentence: However he was a firm believer in the equality of every man and this lead him to the path of piracy.
I think you need a comma after "However" and "lead" should be "led."
Overall
You don't (or I don't) see many pirate stories, especially with a woman as the main character. You have a good solid start. There is plenty of background information to make me familiar with the characters. I would be interested to read on and see where you go from here. Great job!
This is a sad yet powerful piece. It seems so simple on the surface. However, it has hidden depths. The piece flows well. I'm wondering if a comma might be appropriate in the sixth line after or the heart. This reminds me of all the "ifs" that are out there. How many times do people say "What if"? We all have things we wonder about. That is why, though the specifics may very, everyone can relate to the feelings you are presenting in this piece. Great job!
This is a fun little piece once you get to it. The overview and explanation of the piece takes up more than the piece itself. I feel that it takes away a little bit from the piece. I suggest that you let the piece take center stage and combine your overview and explanation at the bottom of the piece. It's a very fun piece with great play on words. I don't think you need the comma in the first line or the last line. Great job!
Let me see if I can stop laughing so that I can review this! This was hilarious! This is the funniest thing I have read in ages.
Suggestions
There were a few little things in regards to punctuation.
You're missing a set of quotation marks in the eighth paragraph. When they threaten to put all "Bob's" on the list, I don't think you need the apostrophe. When you introduce his accomplice, you have an extra apostrophe at the end of don't. Close to the end, (after the splash), "can I get back to you." should end in a question mark versus a period. A couple of lines down, you have 'no can do"; you need to pick which style of inner quotes you want here (first you have one, then you end with two).
Overall
This is a terrific story. There were a few things that needed to be cleaned up a little. Nonetheless, t was enjoyable to read. Absolutely hilarious. I love the way it goes back and forth with Bob and the aide. I also enjoyed the automated message from Homeland security. Fantastic. Thanks for the laugh. Great job!
This is a lovely, sad piece. There's a thread of melancholy that makes it very sweet. Also, the piece flows well.
Suggestions
It feels to me that line four is a part of lines five and six. now you know this pain... I don't think you need the commas here. Line three is a sentence all on it's own. I think lines 4-6 could be a sentence on their own as well. The comma at the end of line five separates the subject from the second verb and definitely isn't needed.
You also don't need the comma at the beginning of the second stanza. Again, you've separated the subject from verb.
In the third stanza, you don't need the colon and moons needs an apostrophe.
In the fourth stanza, I think the comma (line 3) should be a semi-colon and the line four should end with a period.
Overall
It's a beautiful and melancholy piece. The end is a trifle abrupt. It's almost anticlimactic. Your rhymes are really good here! You carry out the same rhyme scheme of aabb throughout the piece. Great job with those rhymes!! Now, you just need to work on the punctuation. Lovely poem. Good job.
This is a lovely piece. The sentiment is beautiful.
Suggestions
You tend to go back and forth in your rhyme schemes. The first eight lines are aabb. The next twelve lines are abab and the last two lines rhyme. You might consider picking one pattern and executing it throughout the piece.
The middle part doesn't flow as well as the first part. Part of it feels a little forced. Also, I'm not sure what "these little things" are. You might want to quantify that.
Overall
This is a beautiful piece with lovely rhyme. You sometimes stretch it a little, but it's still a decent rhyme that's fun and lovely. I can see the scene. It's lovely. Good job!
In the sixth line, do you mean "I" won't be heard? You have, And when I scream, It won't be heard. To me, "I" makes more sense. If you meant "It," I'm not sure what "it" you are referring to.
Overall
I like the way every other line rhymes. Those rhymes are spot on, by the way. Your images are good and the words you have chosen are strong. Great job!
This is a really nice poem. Your images are clear. I can feel the emotion and see the scenes you are describing.
Suggestions
I would make the semi-colons of the first and fifth lines commas. Also, I don't think you need the colon (or punctuation at all) at the end of the second to last line.
Your last two stanzas have a definite rhyme pattern of aabb. The first stanza is set up abcb. I would try to fix the first stanza so that it has the same rhyme pattern as the last two stanzas.
You're also really close to syllabics. A couple of tweaks here and there and you would have it.
Overall
I enjoyed reading this poem. It's done well. With a couple of minor adjustments, this can be a superb piece. As is, it's a really good poem. Great job!
Your lines are really short in the middle and almost feel choppy. You might even them up a little. You might also break this up into stanzas.
Just past the middle there is a spelling error. It should be awful not aweful.
The piece could use a little more punctuation. A comma at the end of the first line (it appears to be part of a list). There are other parts that could benefit from punctuation.
Overall
Your rhymes are good (except for "time" and "mine). Overall, the piece flows fairly well. In the beginning and end, you almost have a pattern of syllabics going which lends a nice rhythm to the piece. I love your imagery. Good job!
What a sad story. I can feel and see everything you dreamt. I'm choked up with all the emotions your presented me. Parts felt really real; other parts you knew it was a dream (floating objects, for instance, are a real give away). It reminds me of a dream I had after my grandmother passed away. Your descriptions are very vivid. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
This poem was done very well. I can see the scenes and images you are presenting. I can feel your sorrow and anguish. I think your rating might be a trifle high. However, it is an adult subject and I understand why you rated it the way you did.
Suggestions
The piece flows well but would benefit tremendously from additional punctuation. You have very little punctuation in this piece.
Also, in the fifth stanza, you have a period in line three that was supposed to be a comma. my red. swollen eyes In the next stanza, line two, when you shorten a word, you need an apostrophe versus quotation marks. You have "Cause when it should be 'Cause
In stanza 6, in and defend, don't rhyme. You also stray from your rhyme scheme in this stanza (unless you change the in) and in the ninth stanza.
Overall
The piece flows very well. Overall, your rhymes are very good. The piece is clear and presented well. The feelings and emotions are laid on the table. You've described the scene very well. This is a tough subject. Thank you for sharing. Good job!
I was wondering where you were going with this. I really liked the twist at the end. I like the way this is laid out. I would recommend identifying what exactly are the lines in between the paragraphs. I don't think it's the words of the priest (I did at first). They weave a thread through the piece tying it all together.
Technicalities
There are a few things here and there. In the first paragraph, the comma in the fifth sentence is not needed.
The first sentence of the second paragraph isn't a complete sentence. What are you doing/thinking as you are standing there? Alternatively, you could say "I stood beside you..." You need to connect the fourth line with the third line. The "To.." phrase is an extension of the previous sentence (connect them with a comma).
Watch how you connect your phrases and sentences. For instance, They muttered their sympathies, while I requested forgiveness.
I don't think you need the comma.
Also, Night fell; florescent lights replaced the blush of the sun.
I feel that the semi-colon is misguided. Perhaps it would be better to say "As night fell, florescent..."
The piece could use a good proofread. There are a couple of spots where you have an extra extra line between paragraphs. Again, watch your connections and phrases. In the seventh paragraph, None caught my attention, until. is not a complete sentence.
I'm wondering if you shouldn't rate this higher since it revolves around death. I don't think the subject matter is appropriate for younger readers. Also, in the middle it sounds like you are alluding drugs.
Overall
I'm left with a few questions. Most specifically, what exactly happened? I'm curious as to how exactly we got here. Also, I thought you were referencing drugs earlier; which, with the twist doesn't quite make sense and would require a 13+ rating, I think. I'd be happy to re-review this after you make changes.
I think the way you have the piece laid out is very unique. You really surprised me with the twist at the end. Looking back, I sense some foreshadowing. Still, you present the story in a way that made it almost impossible to see the end coming. I think it does need to be cleaned up a little, mechanically speaking. Still, it's a good story with a great twist.
This is a lovely piece. I love the tone and sentiment of it.
Technicalities
The semi-colon at the end of line five should be a comma.
There is a typo in line six. "Whishing" should be "Wishing."
I feel that lines 5-7 don't quite flow and fit together as well as the rest of the piece. Just a suggestion, might it flow better something like: And I closed my eyes, wishing just for you. They opened in surprise
I feel as though the "as" in the fifth line doesn't with the the seventh line. (As I closed my eyes, they opened in surprise.) This is just my personal opinion.
You stray from your rhyming pattern with lines 13 and 15. You have a good abab pattern going until these two lines which end in "arms" and "surprise." You might take a look at that and see if it can be reworded to keep the rhyme scheme.
Also, you might consider breaking the piece into stanzas. You could do four quatrains followed by a couplet. I think it would look nice and highlight the rhyme pattern.
Overall
I enjoyed reading this piece. It's thought out well. I loved the imagery you presented. I could see the entire scene perfectly. It's a beautiful scene which you've portrayed well. I enjoyed reading this poem. Great job!
I love the basis of this poem. It's a great and solid foundation. I wish more could see things as you have presented them.
Technicalities
In the first stanza, I think a semi-colon would be more appropriate at the end of the first line. (I love the rhyming of "judged" and "fudged.")
In the fourth stanza, "your" should be "yours."
In the fifth stanza, I think a comma might be well placed after "Tired." Also, I'm counting eight syllables in this line versus seven. Off the top of my head, I can't think of how to rearrange/reword this to get the same feel with only seven syllables.
Overall
Other than the first line of stanza five, your syllabics and rhymes are excellent. I love the tone and message of this piece. Great job!
This was a very fun poem to read. I loved the idea of the classified ad. I find this to be a very unique poem. Though unique, the ideas beneath are universal and I think a lot of people will be able to relate to this piece. On a technical note, I do not think that you need a comma before your prepositional phrases. (e.g. wreck, with a). I enjoyed all your descriptive phrases. This was an enjoyable read. Great job!
This is a lovely tribute to the flag. I love the images that you invoke. I'm wondering if there isn't some punctuation missing in the last stanza. I feel that something is amiss with the first two lines. A show of mercy
its tenderness,
Also, regarding the next line, what is "urging a presence..."? I found the beginning of the last stanza a trifle elusive.
I enjoyed reading this piece. I especially enjoyed the images of the second stanza. They are very vivid and beautiful. Great job!
Keep writing!!!
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Let me see if I can stop laughing so that I can review this! This was hilarious! This is the funniest thing I have read in ages.