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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nixie9/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6
Review Requests: OFF
2,989 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
Template most of the time, covering setting/plot/characters/conflict/resolution if applicable. For shorter works, I concentrate more on feelings evoked.
I'm good at...
Short story, chapter reviews and in-depth reviews.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, Romance, mystery, children's
Least Favorite Genres
Historical
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novel chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
essay, editorial, non-fiction, somebody's homework assignment
I will not review...
XGC, poems, prose. I am an animal activist and vegan, so cruelty or violent, unnecessary, death due to negligence is overwhelming. I am unable to review any pieces involving abuse of any kind to anyone. I like to keep my corner or the world happy, because I grew beyond my "challenges" of childhood and don't want to look back.
Public Reviews
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126
126
Review of Mountains  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Sun Smiles. Nixie here.

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews*CakeB*



I chose to read this because going north on NYS highway 81 brings me around a curve where I first see the mountains. Their purple majesty makes me cry. A glorious sight. Expectations are dangerous. I expected a poem that brought these feelings upon me. And that's not what happened here. I had to find another approach.

Form poetry is difficult and admirable when written. I don't study the qualifications that adhere to Cinquain. I rely on my feelings to guide me. Since I wasn't moved, I focused on the specific words so carefully chosen. I never thought of mountain heads. I paused and pondered. And then I smiled.

The mountains would be pleased by the words. As for me, images of hiking and sights come to mind. Here you offered the perspective of the mountain itself. Exploring. Fantastic thought!

I had to find the definition for the word [ gigantesque]. *Thumbsup*

Except, from my understanding the word relates to giant. So huge is redundant.

2010 sounds so close to 2020 when really it's not. Work going back this far often indicates the author moved forward from this point. I wouldn't edit any work penned so long ago. But I wanted to leave my thoughts here, because the mountains deserve both your effort to form them in a specific style, and the expressions of my wild feelings.

Good job making me sit here and puzzle this through. *Star*





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127
127
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Don Two. Nixie, here.

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews*CakeB*



No way was I skipping over this write, despite it being labeled as poetry. Nothing wrong with poetry, it usually doesn't speak to me.

This piece is more like prose. Why did the story worm its way into my brain and insist on being read? The title, but not the brief description was the culprit.

I enjoyed reading every line, smiling as it flowed, painting unique images, bringing to mind memories. Transcending time for you means something quite different from where my mind travels. I liked the unexpected twist. It gave me pause, thinking of one cat embodying several others in small ways. How did you ever dream that one up? A living metaphor, indeed.

My cat understands time, which is another reason why I wanted to read and review. At seven, if I'm not eating dinner, she's prowling around, annoying me with her meowing. She reminds me when it's three in the afternoon, even though my alarm is set. And if I'm not headed towards bed by 9:30, she can be downright mean. All this from a feral cat who wandered into my apartment eight years ago. She was a parking lot cat. When I moved, I had to teach her not to go down the stairs. No more going outside. It was awful, but I'm proud of the relationship I managed to create. Sometimes, she even dozes on my lap.

I do tend to babble when a write resonates with me. Sorry. Your work is elegant and inventive. Imaginative and concise. All the words flowed together as you showed me the different cats and their quirks.

Among other things I like about anniversary reviews, they often introduce me to authors I've never met. This evening was a lovely surprise. Thank you.



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128
128
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Mumsy. Nixie here to say...

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews*CakeB*



Wow, that's a lot of information to take in. The only overwhelming part was the tightly-packed words. A giant block of text that looked discouraging.

I read the first paragraph, interested in the brother. I'd have a hard time putting up with his 'city', but I'd do it because I love my brothers. With the porta-potty and all the tarps, I wouldn't want to look out my window. His address was right on target and unique onto him. Too funny.

A lot of character development here. A good start for a novel. Because the story was told through Ells's eyes, the voice comes across as natural and upbeat. Friendly. I liked her.

The plot progresses. I suggest adding some white space, especially when the dialogue appears.

Throwing my wet curls up into a clip, I chased the kitten down the stairs.
Best not to begin sentences with a gerund. She can't be simultaneously doing her hair and chasing her kitten. I noticed this sentence pattern quite a bit.

All the scenes were complete, visuals, colors, smells...I wanted to relax in the bakery part, but after all that reading, the upcoming end was more compelling. Not to say I rushed or didn't appreciate!
Good hook at the end to encourage the reader to keep going. I hope he found a skeleton, not a real body. *Pthb*

I don't see stories like yours around much anymore. And it's pointless to note anymore observations, considering the year the chapter was written. At any rate, I saw the 35 four star ratings. I didn't find enough errors to dock a full point. If nothing else, here's to a 4 1/2. *Smile*

~Nixie


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129
129
Review of Uncle Lion  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Bob. Nixie here.

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews*CakeB*



What? No bio filled out? Since your writing is near impeccable, I found something for you to do. I tried to find a story that called to meone that hadn't been written so long ago. A year after WdC was born. Among the many, this one stood out. Not from the title, and not from the brief description. General curiosity?

You write with word economy and unusual descriptors. I realize a review after all these years may be pointless. It's your own fault.

Although I anticipated a boring story to skim, I don't know. You cast a net over my brain and pulled me in? *Laugh* *Facepalm*

One wish. Less past tense verbs. Less instances of [was].

I unearthed a favorite sentence! Uniquely descriptive.
And Mercer thought she belonged there as much as the maple tree.

Oops

His buddy Hawk had telephoned last night from there favorite watering hole,
their

No only had the second hand stopped moving
Not

"I think youre a little young to be climbing trees
Missing period and ending quotation marks.

"Dont know what your missing," he said.
you're

with Alan hot on its trail.
its

His face was crimson.
How does he know his face is crimson?

Oh, therej would be a dozen of um
there

As he went out the front door he head Alan say,
heard

I suspect part, if not the majority, of the plot was written from first hand experience. No way someone who doesn't know kids would be able to write this. Oh, good grief, who can forget the (why?) stage.

Absolutely engaging read.



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130
130
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Rima! Nixie here.


HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews*CakeB*



Congrats on winning first place! I would have stopped by anyway, sci-fi is my favourite genre.

Cool story. I liked how you showed the various screens coming into view. Although it's trope for sci-fi, it's not always easy to show it well enough for the reader to visualize.

What distracted me was the perfect past tense and the multitude of passive verbs. Here's a few an examples.
"I had never had the opportunity."
Suggest: I've never had the opportunity."

And here:
On a small screen were scrolling giant numbers.
Suggest:
On a small screen giant numbers scrolled.

Misspell
I released my breathe at one go.
breath

The beginning and ending of this paragraph was the same.
At that moment

Remember [just] is a meaningless word and twice in one sentence really stands out.
When just a minute and a half was left, just three men remained on Sparta.

Rewording needed. Double negative.
Commander wouldn't abandon his ship till the last man hadn't departed.

Excellent observation, how one person's attitude can travel to another. Well done! And surprising.
Kelly's voice had slightest of strain, maybe infected by mine.

When I review, it's a bad habit for me. I change verb tenses as I go back and forth in a story. In this story, the verb tenses need to be fixed in several areas.

Split comma separating noun from action.
The HDC that had traveled three light-years, was racing for Sparta.

Same here
The grating sound that it made, obliterated all other sounds

A suggestion for word economy and passive verb elimination.
but Commander Wilson's voice could be heard across the battlefield.
Commander Wilson's voice boomed across the battlefield.

*Questionb* Why was a battlefield mentioned? They're not in battle yet. I had the impression Murray had never met the commander before. So how would he know from experience?

When I read the prompt, I understood where the focus was for this contest entry. The design was easy to visualize (even with the passive verbs)

Aw, I finished reading the story. What a sad, but predictable (in a good way) conclusion. The captain always goes down with the ship. The scenario reminded me a movie I can't recall, where Bruce Willis sacrifices his life for the sake of this daughter. Father/daughter moments create strong emotions. By the end of the movie, I was sobbing. Of course there's not enough room in a short story to develop that tight relationship, so good job finding a way to get the point across.

All in all, a good write that needs some editing.

~Nixie


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131
131
Review of Wheel of Fortune  
for entry "February 19, 2020
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Ridinghood. It's Nixie again. I'm reviewing your work for "I Write in 2020

I'm struggling with this. Here's the definitions of 'resile' I found.

recoil, retract especially : to return to a prior position resile from an agreement.
oxford dictionary

To spring back; rebound; resume the original form or position, as an elastic body.
wiki

It sounds to me like 'whatever' (in this case a person) has to be in one position to recoil or return. So if the subject is waking up in the dark, she can't resile the light. Wouldn't she have to be in the light and from there she can resile. Tough word to work with.

What about more unique words, other than dark and deep?

I know how hard 24 syllables can be. *Pthb*

I liked the last line the most because we do have to keep an open mind to receive. For me, I can be in the light or the dark to find wisdom.

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132
132
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi flyfisher. Nixie here. I'm reviewing your work for "I Write in 2020

Oh! One of my favorite songs! My dad used to sing it all the time. Me too.

Non-fiction, huh? If she was your first and only love, did you ever find another?

I think you can shorten this a bit by using less passive verbs. Since it's a personal story, it's not a huge deal. But the verb [was] does tend to get tedious. A quick example.

Snow was falling outside the Pocono Manor Inn.
Outside the Pocono Manor Inn, snow fell.

This weekend was a package deal offered..

Less details, perhaps? We already know you're with the ski club. Rearranging your words, not changing them. What about...*Idea*

The hotel offered a package deal. Even so, I was out of ....

And what about starting a new paragraph after [worlds]?

***

Unfamiliar with the content of the work, I struggled over this sentence, out of context until the story progressed.
For a city kid in the 50s
I finally figured it out. What about the 1950's?

A native of NYS, I have similar memories of snow. The snowbanks sparkled, until they turned to grey slush.

Remember not to use semi-colons unless what follows is a complete sentence. *Wink*

Avoid repetition. In the paragraph beginning with "Forty years later" [story] appears twice.

You may want to fix the font and size after the song snippet to match the rest of the story. Unless you changed it deliberately.

You have a wonderful story here. You don't need to change anything. But if you want to make it more compelling, bring the experience to the reader by being more direct, less wordy.

I'm happy your story came my way! I enjoyed reading and imagining it. And now that song is stuck in my head. *Music2* Thanks for including some of the lyrics. I'll be singing all day long and remembering my dad. Bittersweet, as you said.

~Nixie *Bigsmile*




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133
133
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Sinbad. Nixie here.

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews*CakeB*



The title and brief description intrigued me. The problem was I glanced down the page and shrugged. I almost passed it by due to the unique formatting. I read the title and brief description again and decided this story was here for me to review.

When I finished reading my first reaction was "wow'. I got a bit confused as the story progressed. The conclusion brought everything together and tied it up, just like the monster.

Today, I had to face an unpleasant feeling between my daughter and me. I sensed some tension and guessed what the problem was. I really didn't want to talk to her, but I really didn't want to let the relationship suffer. I took on the challenge. She wasn't all that receptive, repeating, it's over now, it doesn't matter, when clearly it did. I pushed her (gently) to give me some details and saw where I had made the error by not paying attention. Now I'm challenged to balance my own emotions. I'm sure this problem will resolve over time, but I don't want the resolution to be influenced by resentful, unspoken feelings. I hope that makes sense. *Pthb*

My problem hasn't been shrunken yet, but as your story goes, it takes more than one scream (conversation) to conquer, and in my case, resolve through compassion. Be direct. Got it. It fascinates me that I landed on this story a few hours after the traumatic conversation.

(If I remember correctly, every word in a title has to be capitalized if the words are needed to make sense. Not capitalized, the title reads Face Face.) I didn't google this, so you may want to follow up.

~Nixie


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134
134
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Noyoki. Nixie here.

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews*CakeB*



Oh, that was awful. In a good way. Your portfolio is diverse and interesting, but this title and brief description encouraged me to follow its path.

My brother liked spelunking, until he got wedged and claustrophobia claimed him. He made it back out, but that was the last time.

A few bumps.

Nobody knows we are here. He said.
No need to capitalize [he] in this sentence, or any of the others.

Jake suppressed a low groan of pain when her small hands
I think the reader needs to know from the beginning [she/her] is Jenna. When I read that sentence, I thought it was a mistake and [her] should have been [his].

I can't imagine going all the way back to fix one bump. I wouldn't. But it's my job to point out uh-ohs.

Just the other day my daughter vanished. She mentioned going to the beach, but by 8 p.m. I hadn't heard from her. She usually calls me four or five times a day, mostly for a break from work and complaints.

Why did I say awful in the beginning? What an awful decision to make. At first, I thought Jenna could get out, then came the slamming fact. She was just as trapped. Knowing that, I would have stayed and died with Jake. Why die alone? It was Jake's responsibility to let someone know where they were. The caves, to Jenna, were a playground. That seemed a bit of a contradiction. If they were familiar to her, why was she lost? And spelunking must have been second nature to Jake because he invited her.

None of that matters when the icy last words were written. Excellent story for the difficult prompt.




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135
135
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Tracey! Nixie here.

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews*CakeB*



Wow. I had no idea we were kindred souls. Most of my work reflects the thoughts expressed here. Not in the same way, we are individuals. The first two stanzas puzzled me. The setting was here, in the woods. In the physical world. So where is further? Farther for distance]. Further is everything else. I tend to think 'not of this physical world at all'. That could be the difference that creates individualistic minds.

Everything else fell in place for me. The poem shifted from esoteric to human thoughts. Yes, the wisest lesson is to understand we live in the world we create. We accept it, even though it doesn't feel quite right. The concept frightens a bit. Our every thought rules our lives, without consciousness.

Awesome title and brief description, by the way. Often that important introduction is overlooked. Yours enriched the poem and gave a general guideline for readers who may not be familiar with the concept.

I thought my knowledge was fairly extensive, but I had to google 'quantum realm'. It's not a term I've heard before. *Shock2* It's time for me to push myself and further explore. Good for you, making me google. I both enjoyed and learned.

Happy Anniversary, all month long. Connecting with you is always a pleasure. *Bigsmile*





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136
136
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi Jeff. Nixie here.

HAPPY 17th WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews*CakeB*



Excellent response for the contest! And a funny example of people relying on the internet for information. Yes, it's all so easy, right at our fingertips. Gil had the perfect plans, well-thought out and convenient. Not.

I liked how you showed the trouble brewing and tension escalating by Gil noticing the direction of the highways and frantically consulting his 'smart' phone.

I guess his only hope was that a cheaper rent would offset the money he'd spend in mileage.

The first paragraph was a little weird. Both the first and last sentences used (was actually). I noticed the frequency of passive verbs. And a preponderance of adverbs. But since this is a 24 hour turn-around contest entry, it's probably not worth the time or effort to struggle over.

Your story fulfilled the contest's requirements and rules, the main goal. *Wink*

Well, Jeff. Happy Happy Anniversary. I wouldn't worry too much about catching up on tasks here. Just enjoy your anniversary all month long. *Bigsmile*



Damiana Matrix SPR

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137
137
Review of Love  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi there. Nice to meet you. I found your work via random reviewing.


Overall Impression
Good for you. Only recently joining and already your writing is underway! One thing to remember, once you put thought to virtual paper, anyone on the website can read it and review it. That's one reason why correct punctuation is essential. Anywhere you write, a forum, a poem, short story, emails, readers are evaluating.

Thoughts/Feelings
You left your reader disappointed. The work had so much potential. The message you're trying to send out is enlightened and uplifting. Who knows what love really is? In this piece, you've explored from beginning to end. If love can be defined, you've done a good job here.

Sometimes the easiest way to write is from inspiration to fingertips to virtual paper. Then the editing begins. What I'm looking at now is some words thrown down without much thought as to the overall effect on the reader.

So sad the punctuation is incorrect. Maybe it's only in the English language that the word [I] is capitalized no matter where it lands in a sentence. In German, [I] is only capitalized if it's the first word in a sentence.

The thoughts seem circular, but read carefully, the progression is there. If only the form was better. Stanzas broken evenly so the words flow. Remember to use apostrophes for conjunctions. [whats] should be [what's] and so on for all the others.

If the lopsided formatting isn't an issue for you, that's fine. I like words more ordered so the read is continuous.

Lasting Impression
For a first write, it's easy to see you have something worth expressing. Now it's time to go back and make those words comply to standards. Take the time and opportunity you have here to learn. Reading what other members have written helps me.

I hope you don't abandon this. But if you'd rather move forward, that's fine too. Ensure you're moving forward with new skills and careful attention. The satisfaction of writing works when it's best for the writer and the reader. Please enjoy your time here and keep writing.

You may want to take a peek over here.
"Noticing Newbies


Reviewing your work was
My Pleasure tks.

Nixie
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group


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138
138
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi I found your item through the read and review option.


Overall Impression
Cool write! How you fit all those prompt words into a poem that made sense remains a mystery to me.

The title grabbed my attention. The brief description worked for the original intent of the work.


Thoughts

The punctuation caught my eye. I kept going back to see if it was consistent (not an issue in poetry) but it distracted me. It's carved into me. Don't use semi-colons in writing. Reason supposedly? Editors don't like them.

A nice, clean presentation impressed me. Even lines and stanzas. It's a personal quirk of mine, but I like symmetry.

Wonderful visualization of the scene. It's almost as if you looked right at me and read my mind. I don't want to find a dead civilization, unless I can build a place for myself there. What if the structures could be repaired?

The overall mood is dark, emphasizing the smallness of humankind. The poem didn't have to explain anything about another planet due to the title. Intentional or not, it worked.

*Heart*
My favorite lines? The first two in the second stanza. I wanted to be on that mountain. I mourned the civilization lost. What if humans have already destroyed earth, and nothing else 'out there' is suitable to humankind. I don't know why this narrator went to another planet. Again, it doesn't pertain to the write. But it does bring up the prickles in me. I fear for the future generations to come, if there is even anything left.

In closing
Sounds silly. I know the narrator is doomed, with no hopes of returning home. I want to rescue him/her. I ask too many questions and raise too many conjectures when an authors' write inspires me. Thanks for the read. *Smile*



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139
139
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Nixie here. I found your poem via random reviewing.

*Vignette2*
From the top
Unfortunately, what drew my attention was the bold font and multitude of exclamation marks. Since you wrote a poem no emotions can be displayed. Possibly that's what prompted the excessive punctuation.

*Vignette2*
Emotions evoked
I have to agree with what is expressed here. I attached to the first line, life is the way to death. How true! We want to make a difference, find someone to witness our lives. Leave some memories behind. Maybe one learns to slow down, to appreciate what they have, even if it's not enough in their minds.

What I can't agree with are the limited aspirations written. People have so much more to find in life. That's not to say I don't get your point. Life can be like a hamster wheel, going 'round and 'round without a person realizing it. We're less than a speck in this universe, our little lives don't matter at all. What we leave behind are memories.

*Vignette2*
Hot spots (favorite lines)
The first and last line
The deceit yourself line

*Vignette2*
suggestions/Thoughts
Perhaps a second stanza?
Too self-centered. We impact others' lives.

*Vignette2*
Wrapping it up
I 100% agree with the thoughts here. But the perspective seemed limited. The poem could be a stronger write, perhaps longer. And, as I stated in the beginning, the actual presentation threw me off.

You have something here worth pursuing. If editing makes you want to say 'ick' then carry forward what you've gleaned (if anything) and keep writing. We have to start somewhere. And some of my starts were horrible. Some still are. That's why we keep trying. *Bigsmile*

You might want to take a look over here.
"Noticing Newbies



Damiana Matrix SPR

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#1300305 by Maryann


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140
140
Review of Wheel of Fortune  
for entry "February 10, 2020
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Ridinghood

I am reviewing for "February 10, 2020 for this activity. "I Write in 2020

The first line gave me pause, as I pondered the image of the moon. Perhaps a moon not obscured by clouds?

Emotional reaction
My mind wanders in murky corridors, always finding the phantoms and nightmares. Your 24 syllable poem was a balm to my fevered brain.

The words you chose were unusual, and in their own way, followed a lyrical pattern. I rejoiced in the hope of 'wild prayers'. (My favorite phrase, flowing into the last two lines.)

What a turnaround for the expected adjective before prayers. Usually, at least for me, prayers are meditations of calm wanderings.

The concept of wildness freed me, somehow, emotionally. It sounds corny, but I felt a lift in my heart. I thought, breathtaking and beautiful.

Nicely done!

~Nixie




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141
141
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Intuey! Nixie here with thanks for your support of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. This review is the second and last item for package #4 at "Winter Fun Auction

*Vignette2*
From the top
What an innovative title! The tragic brief description; who will ever forget Katrina?

*Vignette2*
Emotions evoked
Emotion heaped upon emotions!
I had to stop reading halfway through as the family attempted to climb to safety. I'm not sure where the ugly words goosebumps came from, but I waited until they settled down and read on.

Okay, reading on.

Action and more action as the tempo of the plot increased, same as the water. Excellent job showing the water coming in, more and more with every moment. I remember being furious when I learned about the construction of the levee. Was that to save money? Those poor people. *Sad*

Smart mom, to enlist help from the kids for distraction. *Heart*

In an innocent scenario, I asked my kids to go to the next aisle and find cereal with less than 12 grams of sugar. That kept them busy and gave me a break. As adults, they all remember.

*Vignette2*
Hot spots
Strange, the thoughts that go through your head in an emergency,
Oh, so very true. I wonder what I would think. What would I take with me? This couple lost everything.

*Vignette2*
suggestions/Thoughts
spreads and even a couple of old [stuff] animals. > stuffed

word repetition
As if Howard and Rita read [each other's] minds, they looked at[ each other.]

Same problem now within one sentence.

Within [each other's] eyes, they also saw the love and support for [each other.]

More repetition
Howard looked toward the [couple] huddled together and asked about the elderly [couple] which lived next door to the [couple,]

again
The couple just shook their heads


*Vignette2*
Wrapping it up
The only comfort was having each other, and in the end that's all that matters. To rebuild, to move on, to overcome, nothing is impossible through the miracle of love. (I wish I sincerely believed that. Part of me does, but I've never known love.)

Thanks again for your generosity. Members like you make WdC go 'round.







Damiana Matrix SPR

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#1300305 by Maryann


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142
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi! Intuey Yay! You have the winning bid on package #4 at "Winter Fun Auction which included a 3 month upgraded membership - sent, and here is one review from the two offered.


Overall Impression
Way to make me laugh, woman.

The title had me rolling my eyes. If there was any doubt about what it meant, the brief description described all. Maybe less of a clue to keep the readers guessing.

The visuals were so vividly described, I could easily form an image in my head of where the action was taking place.

Characters
Although we don't have descriptions of either character, the story lost nothing. Personality led the plot.

Special Moments
Excellent job finding different ways for the wife to approach the door without repetition. *Checkg*

I don't want to copy/paste the whole sentence, but the opposite meaning was ingenious. My mind has gone into....

Is it crazy that I found myself enjoying the husband's plight? I'd give anything to have seen him swim. Okay, that's a bit vindictive.

Oops
I understand that it's unlikely you'll go back and edit this. It's way more fun to move forward, and it makes more sense. However, since it's my responsibility to help and to explain what happened to the half star:

A few spots here and there with verb tense changes and misplaced commas. Why do we have to use commas anyway? *Laugh*

Closing comments
Typical husband, right? When the wife saw the plumber in a white halo of light, I had to read it twice before [angel] clicked. Clever.

Thanks for supporting our auction, and for the comedy of your story.
*Wink*

New identity for SPR

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#1300305 by Maryann


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143
143
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Vincent. Welcome to the party.

I'm reviewing for this activity.


Click the image to join us and review your own meal!


As far as the fantasy genre, all the elements were here, a common theme in fantasy. Other than some rough parts, the story flowed. A dwarf with a mission, a secret place, an ancient mapall ingredients for this genre. You'll need an extreme twist to separate this fantasy plot from everything else written in this genre.

I like the way you've shown part of the world. It's an area where any vice is accepted, unless it interferes. Such a puzzle to be resolved as the plot progresses piques the interest. The reader will be looking for more. *Idea*

The diet clued in the reader. The 'made-up' words created a strong sense of other-worldliness. One of my favorites [bark of deadwood.] The one problem, no one is speaking, so quotation marks wouldn't be used. In your story, it's fine just to write bark of deadwood with nothing to denote it as separate. The reader is in your story world, and expects odd words to pop up.

Weather impacts the story. A conflict was presented, in the form of the Yeti.

Sharp and defining words, I wonder what 'sausage in the High Gardens' indicates? And no one chased the vendor away from the place of peace? I had to laugh at the way this was presented. Calm, and then commerce. Hum. Establishment continued. The reader will look forward to see how the different aspects align.

And here, more diversity. Among the dwarfs, two distinct classes that were considered high society. Alchemists were bums, which hardly seemed fair to me. *Laugh*

Impression so far? A lax society.

*** Thoughts, suggestions.

Numbers are spelled, not written. (3) three

Notice all the sentences using the passive verb (was). Show activity.

Exclamation marks should be few or eliminated. After a while, the punctuation has no meaning.

Everyone else was referred to as a "bum".
If you want to show later that bum has a special meaning that will be of importance later in the story, remember all punctuation belongs inside the quotation marks. Use single quotation marks. *Right* Everyone else was referred to as a 'bum.'


Avoid using the same word in close proximity. *WinK*
It was thought maybe they thought too highly of themselves...

Reword? This sounds like meat chunks are woven into scraps of lint
as well as people who collect meat chunks to scraps of lint woven into carpet

Farther is distance. Further is everything else, most commonly time.
squinting to see [further] > farther in the pitch blackness

Avoid the passive verb was.
It was faded and the color was a sort of dark bourbon color from age

Find a new word for [finally] (the word loses meaning)
Finally! he exclaimed.

Finally, he breathed in the frosty cave air,

Finally, he put down his writing instrument.


The dwarf can't both close the door at the same time as he's withdrawing the parchment. (unless he's closing it without using his hands.)
closed the door behind him while withdrawing the parchment

Close proximity ~ same sentence
reached for a book of ancient rune [translations] and began to [translate] the text.

Same here
He [reached] for a parchment, scribbled a note on it, and [reached] for the cat.


Where did he stop? What does [point] mean in this sentence

The Dwarf, who's name it seems, was Breedebecke, stopped on [point] and scratched his head.


***
If this looks overwhelming, it's not. Even I'm tired after spending an hour writing this review. *Laugh* The required edits are easy to correct.

At the conclusion, twist. *Delight* A cat as a courier. Yes, the story diverged from others. Keep writing!

Nixie

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#1300305 by Maryann





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144
144
Review of The Book Worm  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Angus! Welcome to the party.

I'm reviewing for this activity.


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Very *Cool* story with a more or less expected twist, but not a twist upon a twist.

Like Chad, I never go anywhere without a book. Especially now when they're downloaded in my phone or Kindle. And as far as a book consuming? I was waiting for my name to be called for a medical diagnostic test when I realized everyone before me was gone and new people were coming in. I was engrossed, my name went unheard by me.

And, dang this is an awesome story that provokes thoughts; I truly miss the joys of hunting in a library for the right book, or hanging out at Barnes and Noble, perusing the aisles. Yup, me and Chad. Bookworms.

Chad read the first few sentences to see if he was interested, I begin in the middle. If I liked the author's style half-way in, I knew the book was for me. And I miss the smell of new books. Is that funny or weird?

Ahem. The review, anytime now, Nixie. *Laugh* My reaction really says it all. But if you insist . .

I like stories better when they drop me in to the deep end. Ice cold water. Instant reaction. The lead-in is something I've noticed other writers doing, so maybe it's a new technique? I didn't need an intro to make me fall in love with Chad.

*Headbang*
Remember, nothing happens suddenly in fiction? It's always immediate. The word [suddenly] is in two different places.

Oh, the ending. I vacillated between happiness for Chad's dream come true, and saddened that his parents lost him. We'll never know if that dream of Chad's was worth the personal sacrifice. I'll imagine him with a gleaming smile as he ghosts every page.

Thanks for the fun write!


Nixie

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#1300305 by Maryann





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145
145
Review of High Anxiety  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi BlueJay. I am reviewing for this activity. "I Write in 2020

I just saw you yesterday, perched outside my terrace. *Laugh* It's unusual to see a real Blue Jay, so that appearance of the bird delighted me, much like your story!

First off, I would choose a genre, just in case someone outside of this activity reviews the story. *Wink*

All I had to do was read the title, and my heart boomed triple-time. *Heart*

Oops
Missing quotation marks.
"Eddie! Stop trying to scare me. We're fine.

I get so frustrated when I make this mistake.
Look, I can see [you're] house down there."
[your]

I don't want to see my house from up here. I want to see it from the inside. *Rolling* So telling of both character and scene.

No doubt from the beginning this story was about a roller coaster ride. I was hoping for a twist. But Sheila's last comment more than made up for a twist.

Excellent entry for the contest. *Checkg*

~Nixie
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group




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146
146
Review of Not Doing Okay  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Spencer. Welcome to the party.

I'm reviewing your work for this activity. I arrived in your port via random reviewing.


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How goofy is it that I wanted the guy to be right in his thoughts, and unfairly imprisoned. Hope springs eternal, they say, whatever that means.

I thought it strange to see strange twice in one sentence. I thought about pointing that out, but as I read more, the opening sentence made sense for someone with a malfunctioning brain.

His thoughts were weird from the beginning, but that's what unreliable narrators do. Try to make the reader believe in them. And, I could follow up to a certain point, before I realized his thoughts were repetitive.

You've written this once, with no editing? Or do you have the same system as me? I keep my work on private until I can't see straight. The exception is if it's a contest entry, and I'm hoping for reviews.

I wondered where this plot was taking me as it delved deeper and deeper. I knew he had to be incarcerated, due to the brief description, so I'm glad you didn't belabor the extent of his illness. Are you sure that's even a diagnosis? I've had some experience in that area. A psychopath sums it up. Except, this guy likes extensive labels and illnesses psychiatrists diagnose.

Most patients like the narrator live in a state-facilities on a Thorazine drip, doing the Thorazine dance, as it's sometimes crudely described.

Okay, so since I read his letter, does the narrator want to know if I found it interesting? I'm sure that what he's hoping for. He's never getting out of there. He's so far gone, his mother's murder is an abstract concept.

I think we're all born with the tendencies that show up at some point in our lives. At least, I'm still deciding if I like that concept. People born with unbalanced chemicals. How else can it be explained if a person has low levels of Serotonin? Chronic, life long, not situational.

good grief, I've been thinking and writing for an hour. Time to wrap this up. Is enjoyed the right word to explain my reaction. I appreciated something different to read. Keep writing!


Nixie

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group




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147
147
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Dagtar. Welcome to the party.

I'm reviewing for this activity.


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The story is correctly placed in the 'horror' genre. Reader beware.

*Checkg*
You have the beginnings of a great story here! Interesting title. I laughed when I read the brief description. Sort of a tongue-in-cheek sentence. If it's exaggeration, who's exaggerating?

I have to ask a question first.
Was The Woman in the Machine a fake demonstration, to entice Frank? If she's for real, would she really be laughing with Lithia at the end? Wouldn't she have sympathy. Why didn't she escape? I think something important in this story got passed over by me, despite more than a few reads. Is she the one exaggerating?

The first sentence is a run on and breaking it down would help the reader enter your story world.

Remember to start a new paragraph every time a new character appears and speaks. Otherwise, it all gets lumped together.

Resist using punctuation or adverbs to show your character. For instance, in one part, Frank is pacing nervously. To me, pacing implies nervousness or agitation. Pace is a strong verb. Why dilute it needlessly with an adverb?

"Hell, what did you think Frank?!
Multiple punctuation isn't used in writing fiction. Show your character's behaviour.

I want this review to be full of positivity and encouragement. But there are so many errors in here, I honestly don't know what to do. If I point out all of them, the review will look a mess, as if there's nothing good here to read. And that's simply not true!

I think the plot is fabulous.

If you're interested in your story, please come back and take a second or third look with an eye searching for mistakes. Do you know anyone who can help you proofread. Writers always need a second pair of eyes. Sometimes it helps to read out loud. Expansion would also bring the story to life. Is there more of a plot to be revealed? Or do you want your readers to speculate? Speculating, I'm guessing.

Keep writing, keep editing. Oh, did I mention Keep Writing? *Laugh*

Take care, and thanks for the opportunity to read and review your story.

Nixie

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#1300305 by Maryann





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148
148
Review of Coffee  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Jacky. Welcome to the party.

I'm reviewing for this activity.


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I have a feeling I've read some of your 'flash' before, because I remember being impressed by another story penned by you. I took a peak into your portfolio, but all the stories were flash, making it impossible for me to pick out the familiar one. No matter, really. I read this story with a smile on my face, and shaking my head at how dumb Alex was. (Sorry Alex!) All that from the first paragraph.

While I'm right here at the beginning, I'll add this little comment regarding the first sentence.
last drinks.
Full quotation marks are for dialogue. In this statement, I'd suggest single or using italics.

*Idea* 'last drinks'. last drinks.
And again in this sentence.
"business trips
'business trips', or business trips

Lose the adverbs and passive verbs. *Wink*

The sentence was wordy, and could easily be rewritten in a more concise manner. For example, They were supposed to help him forget.

He wanted to forget.

When the first actually didnt, he decided hed keep trying.

This can be simplified by writing, he took another shot (or however many you want to put in.) I liked the next sentence, without the exclamation mark to show an emotion. Show us how he's expressing his frustration, or whatever emotion he was trying to process.

Once those two paragraphs ended, the plot took flight. Excellent exchange of dialogue between the girl and Alex. I laughed at how Alex floundered and the girl kept goading him. One of my favorite moments came when he hesitated, saying "Ah, Alex?" and the girl called him exactly that. I assumed she was teasing, anyway.

Twisty twist. The girl (did she have a name?) read minds. It was the only explanation for her knowledge, but I didn't bother considering how until I read further. I like all things weird or unusual. This casual, matter-of-fact statement enhanced my impression of her personality. And she was so right!

Had Alex not gone to the airport...a bit of synchronicity here. Another of my favorite concepts I enjoy pondering.

The sticky part for both of us is the practicality of returning to edit this. I would not bother. If any helpful suggestions were gleaned from this review, remember, and take the thoughts with you for future writing. Paring down passive sentences also helps with word count restrictions.

I have the upmost respect for writers who don't hesitate to write and then enter competitions. Most of the time, my stories are paranormal, and don't fit in any contest with specific prompts.

The *Star* of the dialogue exchange.
"It's probably best you stop thinking for a while."
*Laugh*

It makes sense these two found each other. I had mixed feelings about the conclusion. We're in the story and then the narrator interjects themselves in one way or another, breaking the continuity. I rarely, with a few exceptions, write alternate sentences, well, because I don't. It's not my writing.

So from here we're both agreed you're moving forward. *Laugh* After seeing the contents of your port, I'd say you excel in flash and definitely don't need encouragement to move forward. In fact, you rock!


Nixie

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#1300305 by Maryann





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149
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Review of Residual Effect  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Et Invisibilium Welcome to WdC! I'm reviewing for this activity.

Click the image to join us and review your own meal!


Sci-fi genre? I'm all in. The title sounded like some kind of experiment (or should I say procedure?) gone wrong, which often happens in stories like this.

The catchy first line snagged my interest. 'talking to the air' made me think he had an AI in the house. But apparently it was a two-way conversation, like a telephone call. The people he spoke to couldn't even see him? What did I miss? Where's the futuristic element for communication?

So, simply (haha) transferring a brain to a silicone body can make a person violent? I can't make sense of that in my head. If he had no prior tendencies, then why?

The dialogue between the counselor and Mr. Emerson was funny, but also sad. How could his wife act so calmly after he unwittingly harmed her and messed up the bedroom? All she had to say was that maybe he appeared taller?

I wanted so much more from this story. More details, more information, something that made sense to me. I took the voyage through the plot. I kept reading, which means I did find points of interest to keep me engaged. That's great! *Checkg*

In the end, I left feeling dissatisfied and disappointed. Maybe this wasn't the right fit for me, the relationship between story and reader. (author and reader)

The story was never edited, which means there's still room for improvement. If this is all you wanted to accomplish, then let the story go and move forward. *Wink*


Would you like to meet more new members?
"Noticing Newbies

Nixie

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#1300305 by Maryann





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150
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi eshaw08 Welcome to WdC! I'm reviewing for this activity.

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Is this the beginning of a story, or perhaps a chapter for a book? Little was expressed here, other than telling the reader what was happening and adding character names. *Confused*

Was this 'story' read out loud, or least given more than a gush of thoughts, never edited? The mistakes were (hopefully) lapses of attention, because they were so numerous.

Best not to begin with the first sentence you wrote. Simply dive into the story, plunging the reader into the deep end and making them eager to read on.

Much of this can be accomplished with dialogue, more than the few snippets here. When writing dialogue, use a new paragraph every time a different is speaking.

Watch out for repetitiveness.

Here's a few quick examples to help

Second sentence. High Falls need to be capitalized because it's the name of the farm. Also, the reader wants to know what [beautiful] means.
Lindsey lived on high falls, the most beautiful farm in Georgia.
Lindsay lived on High Falls,

Full capital words are not seen in fiction writing.
They had chickens, goats, pigs, and a WHOLE lot of animals.

All punctuation belongs inside the quotation marks.

...it would be good for everyone".
...t would be good for everyone."

But her father was a little disappointed beaches ehe
What does this sentence mean? Aside from the typos, why would the father be surprised by what his daughter said?

The reader would like to know more about Lindsey, with more details than
things got old really fast.

My suggestion would be to re-read this, read and review other members' work so you an learn a bit more about creative writing. What we have here is a telling story with undeveloped characters and no visual description of anyone, or of any scene. Writing fiction is much more than typing out thoughts. Although this method can work to get the basics of the story while the plot is fresh in your mind. The point would be to come back and flesh out the story.

Whatever you write on the website, unless set to 'private' members will read and review. We all need to put our best writing out there. If there's a reason for the multitude of errors, I couldn't find it in your bio. (I thought maybe you were a young writer, just starting out.)

Best wishes for your continuing writing career. It's a joyful process, but sometimes incredibly frustrating. Reading, reviewing, writing, all part of the same process. I hope you stay with us as your writing skills expand.

Here's a forum to visit where some new members introduce themselves.


"Noticing Newbies

Nixie

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#1300305 by Maryann





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