Hi Robin. Welcome to the party.
I enjoyed reading this lively adventure. Often, wonders are hidden behind innocuous or dull entrances. I don't know who gave Aticus the map, nor do I know why. The description of the inside made me as curious as Aticus, and I eagerly followed the plot. I'd like to have automatic night vision. (oops. I didn't know he was wearing a helmet. I think the reader needs to know that from the beginning.
I guess it's not necessary, and maybe too complicated to add to the plot, but I wondered where this was taking place, and what was the society like?
All those doors; I was acutely aware of Articus passing one after another, wondering if he would try to open one. He had the same concerns as I. The 'contents' of the doors he did open didn't belong in a sanctuary. Someone must have been hiding something, and the legend might have gone askew.
Ick. the sight made him puke in his helmet, and he had to continue wearing his helmet even after the mess inside. Double Ick.
Once he found the door with the panels he couldn't open, he did what anyone would do. Blast the darn thing to pieces. It felt like I was walking behind him, watching his moves and slightly apprehensive. Typical of an adventurer, he didn't hesitate to pry open the pillar. The fear factor multiplied by ten!
I wasn't completely in agreement with Articus when he started blasting the oozing creature. What if it was innocent? But once it attacked, violence naturally ensued. Excellent job describing the fight. I understood almost all the movements, other than the one I mentioned below.
Of course our hero won. And I was totally taken by surprise when the next thing happened. (no spoilers).
I do have questions. Was the creature the perpetrator of the guts scene? Was he part of an experiment that turned south so badly, he had to be imprisoned? Who imprisoned him? I speculated he might have been the pilot, but oh, how very wrong I was!
I can't get a clear visual from this sentence. what is [it] referring to?
The creature curled its legs between it and Articus and kicked him across the room.
A few pointers
It sounds normal to use [suddenly] when writing, but in fiction nothing happens suddenly. It just happens. [A noise pierced the air.]
Suddenly a noise pierced the air.
In the vein of thought, action is immediate.
he began to lower himself down.
[He lowered himself down.]
Avoid passive verbs that slow down the action.
and he would have been lost if he had not had his night vision
A quick example. His auto night vision lit the way. Or was the night vision in his helmet?
Articus overcame the obstacle in his path, which was the element that drove the plot. I'm left with questions, but the story progressed sensibly and logically. Perhaps the details I felt lacking may have made the read overly long.
The story needs editing, but overall a good write, especially considering you're a new member! Keep writing!
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"