I saw your item on the Review Request Page and thought I'd review it.
First Impression: Cute, imaginative idea! Imagination can take us anywhere and children, especially, realize this.
Could it be? She looked up, her sparkling sand castle shape *neckless glittering in the hot June sun, snow in June?
*should be spelled "necklace"
You could make several sentences from this one. Try putting thoughts in italics to emphasize, and set them apart, for your readers.
As she stared watching the little white fluff fall from the sky, with a look of innocence and amazement she yelled, "When it snows, Santa will come?"
Again, this could be a couple of sentences. When you run a lot of information together, it confuses your readers. You want them to enjoy your work!
*coved from head to toe
Grandpa shook his head with laughter, you girls have such an imagination, "it's June and we are on a boat on the Mississippi River."
"It's" should be capitalized.
In such a short piece, the word "fluff" is used way too many times. Use different words to describe the snow.
Character Development: Brooklyn and MJ are great little characters. I imagine they are fun to write.
Dialogue/Monologue: Each time you have dialogue or a different character is talking, set it apart in its own paragraph. This keeps from confusing your readers as to who is speaking.
Plot Structure: Not bad. I think if you worked with this and expanded it with description and sensory details, it could be a great children's story!
What Worked: The idea behind this story is wonderful! I like the idea that whatever is imagined is also real.
What Didn't Work: Structure needs a lot of work. Don't be discouraged! It's part of the writer's life to write and rewrite.
Closing Remarks: As stated above, it needs work but the story idea is fun!