I love this take on the prompt! I automatically thought cloak and dagger stuff when I first read it. I love when writers prove there are many more ideas out there.
I like the way in which this is written. It has a personal feel even though the reader is a fly on the wall. The dialogue is what moves the story and it is well done here.
One comment: "Well, Bill, It really has been a pleasure talking to you..."
"It" shouldn't be capitalized.
Other than that, this is well written. I enjoyed it!
This is quite the story! Holiday, bill or not, I just don't think I could go through with this. I think my panic attacks would have some kind of protest going on.
This is well written. The flow of the story is great. It is written in such a way that even those who aren't into Sci-fi can understand it.
I like that most is written in dialogue. This gives your readers a look into the mindset and culture of this era. We see through the eyes of those who are experiencing Cryonics.
You reviewed an item of mine on 9/26/07! I apologize for the delay but I am here to return the favor.
I do something along these lines too. I've come to the conclusion that mine is a fear of failure--to myself and the story of my characters. I'm learning to write because my head is getting crowded!
Advice? Just write. Let those characters take you where they will. Of course there will be rewriting involved but wouldn't it be fun to see the end result?
Comments: When I was fifteen I was home sick from school...
I had to read this a few times to make clear your meaning. You might want to rework this sentence. (Those pesky rewrites!)
but I rarely get anything down on paper, or screen, about him.
This is an incomplete sentence. and don't forget to capitalize the first word.
I say take those characters and their stories and put them to page. Just let the writing take you away. It will surprise you when you stop and read what you've written.
You reviewed a piece of mine on 9/13/07! I apologize for the delay but I am here to return the favor.
While browsing for something to read this caught my eye. Perhaps due to the fact that I just came from a funeral.
I feel you captured the vignette of the sad occasion. I could picture those left behind, ready to set their balloons to the sky in honor of this child.
You also bring to the reader the questions one would have if they drove by this scene, knowing that this was child's funeral.
You brought poetic beauty and emotion forth in this piece. I saw nothing out of kilter. It is both sorrowful and lovely.
I love the old West feel of this. I had the identity of the woman at the end but didn't see the ending coming. I honestly thought she would have the upper hand.
Nicely written! It flows well and the dialogue between your characters is believable and adds color to the piece. The description helps the readers feel the story.
A few things: Fox limped over to the small, wooden *bucked filled with well water in the corner of the shack.
*bucket
Somewhere, I can't find it now, there is a word used before and after another word that doesn't belong.
Also, to make it easier on your readers, you might think about leaving a space between paragraphs.
I really like this story! It is well written and enjoyable to read.
Your dialogue is wonderful! I felt as if I were there as the conversations took place. The genuine caring and emotion between mother and son shone through in their words.
The story flowed well. I saw nothing out of kilter.
I saw your item on the Review Request Page and thought I'd review it.
First Impression: Cute, imaginative idea! Imagination can take us anywhere and children, especially, realize this.
Comments: Could it be? She looked up, her sparkling sand castle shape *neckless glittering in the hot June sun, snow in June?
*should be spelled "necklace"
You could make several sentences from this one. Try putting thoughts in italics to emphasize, and set them apart, for your readers.
As she stared watching the little white fluff fall from the sky, with a look of innocence and amazement she yelled, "When it snows, Santa will come?"
Again, this could be a couple of sentences. When you run a lot of information together, it confuses your readers. You want them to enjoy your work!
*coved from head to toe
*covered
Grandpa shook his head with laughter, you girls have such an imagination, "it's June and we are on a boat on the Mississippi River."
"It's" should be capitalized.
In such a short piece, the word "fluff" is used way too many times. Use different words to describe the snow.
Character Development: Brooklyn and MJ are great little characters. I imagine they are fun to write.
Dialogue/Monologue: Each time you have dialogue or a different character is talking, set it apart in its own paragraph. This keeps from confusing your readers as to who is speaking.
Plot Structure: Not bad. I think if you worked with this and expanded it with description and sensory details, it could be a great children's story!
What Worked: The idea behind this story is wonderful! I like the idea that whatever is imagined is also real.
What Didn't Work: Structure needs a lot of work. Don't be discouraged! It's part of the writer's life to write and rewrite.
Closing Remarks: As stated above, it needs work but the story idea is fun!
I like your take on how those from other planets would view our wildernesses. What we take for granted can certainly bee seen in different eyes by others.
I like the flow and the dialogue between characters. It seemed natural and the commander/underling dynamic showed in the conversation. Loved your description! Especially the changes in the face colors!
One thing: humpback whales breaking water and blowing great streams of air and water form their blowholes.
*form should be *from
You reviewed an item in my port on November 17, 2007! I apologize for taking so long in getting back to you. I do appreciate that you took the time to review me.
I like this story! It's sad that teens (and I was the same way) so often have such low views of themselves. And Violet took it to the extreme!
The flow of your story is good. Violet and your other characters are believable. Dialogue and description bring this to life!
There are several misspelled words. In a few places, I feel you could add or subtract to get even more impact.
When Violet performs her spell, you say in one place that it took most of the night yet you later wrote that she was in bed by midnight.
Just some minimal rewrites will polish this piece and make it shine. It's a great story!
An interesting bar of soap indeed! How wonderful if something so simple could be invented that gave folks happy feelings? The world would be wonderful indeed!
I'm not really up on my Shakespeare, but are all the quotes in the story his? There is a place where the boss asks if everyone who tested the soap quoted him. The answer was no. But, if all test subject quote some writer or another, perhaps a mention of that?
I really enjoyed this story! I was all caught up in the sweetness of returned youth and romance rekindling when you hit me with a twist I wasn't expecting! Bravo!
This is well written. The flow of the story is very nice and the dialogue is believable. Your use of description really pulls your readers into the piece.
Zorhahn seems to be having a rough day! Bad communication seems to be the source of so many problems, doesn't it? If only folks could get their signals straight!
This poem is a fun read. It flows nicely and you got your point across.
You reviewed an item of mine on July 19, 2007. I apologize for the lateness but I wanted you to know that the review is appreciated and wanted to return the favor.
This item caught my eye. I worked with the public for years. And, as you stated here, a kind (or negative) word or deed goes a long way. It really can make or break someone's day.
I'm not able to work now but I've never forgotten both the rude and wonderful people that I dealt with every day. I try my best to smile at those I meet and ask how they are. That small gesture can be so grand.
I guess I'm saying that this article touched a nerve with me. So much truth in these words. If only more would take it to heart.
I saw no errors. Well written and a wonderful topic.
Again I apologize in taking so very long in getting back to you.
First, let me thank you for serving our country. I can't even imagine the conditions of war and my prayers are with all of our service members and their family and friends.
This first hand view of the war is unsettling and it should be. It should serve as a sobering reminder to those of us who never experienced it that there is, indeed, a cost.
Your description is very nice. It brings your readers into your story.
My one comment: you do go from past to present tense when talking about the effects the war has had on our veterans. Perhaps tell the story of then and move into the effects of those who are home now.
This is a good story! I like where you go with it and how you lead up to it.
I do feel it needs some work. The language feels too modern for what I feel it should. It doesn't seem to be set in modern times so the language should reflect that.
Richard also seems to "pass out" a lot. Try different ways to segue into a new scene so it doesn't come across as repetitive.
I think with a little work this could be a greatly entertaining story!
You have a vivid and intense way of spinning your words!
I was tense with the sound of sirens and the battle between the town and the beasts outside. I felt hopeful yet knew deep down that the was would eventually be lost.
Even in the chaos and ugliness of battle, you brought beauty and peace to the story with the description of the night sky. I find peace there as well so could easily relate.
Well told! The story flows well and the intensity and desperation, as well as peace, come across nicely.
*did you notice the item number? Not three but four 6's!
I like that you put this story in poetry form. You brought across the menace and the back and forth of the two characters nicely. It flowed well. Your choice of words, and numbers, fit the rhyme perfectly.
Wow! You keep on building the suspense and lead your readers to...a wonderful ending!
I like how you kept adding to the intrigue. Whoever was going to all this trouble had to be intent on getting Connor where they wanted him. To finally reveal that who is well done!
One comment: leave an extra space between paragraphs. It makes it so much easier on your readers' eyes.
What a great take on the prompt! This is imaginative and held my attention.
Your description is wonderful and the narrator's voice held true to the area. I felt as if I were there. You could run with this character and story, telling of his adventures with The Firm.
I love this! It's creative, your description is great, and the dialogue is wonderful. I love how you wove this tale. It made me wonder if our brains often do work in such a manner. Mine certainly feels that way at times!
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