*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/outoftouch/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6
Review Requests: OFF
978 Public Reviews Given
993 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 2 3 4 5 -6- 7 8 9 10 11 ... Next
126
126
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, ! I'm OOT™ and I'm honored to review your work on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

My Thoughts: I found this piece by clicking on the random review tool, and I'm glad I did. I commend you for writing this thought provoking piece. With our busy lives and everyday struggles, we, as a society, often overlook the plight of many children.

I was not aware of the days dedicated to celebrating children, but I'm sure you will agree with the question this brought to mind: what about the other 363 days per year? After all, society wouldn't exist without these children who, hopefully, grow up to be successful adults.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: This would be a terrific piece to expand upon, delving deeper into the struggles children face today and ideas as to what we could do to remedy some of these struggles. Also, not only do the diseases and malnourishment destroy children, but also the abusive and/or drug addicted parents. It's truly tragic.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: I'm glad I came across this informative piece. While I enjoy a good funny story or mystery, children's voices need to be heard, and pieces such as yours help to spread that message. Thank you for sharing this. It was an honor to read and review.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


My beautiful PR Ornament Sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
127
127
Review of The Dungeon  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: Wow! I can understand how being forced to shower in such a scary, dreary place would be traumatic to a child! You did a terrific job of describing the place, so much so that I could picture it as I read the story. I especially liked you referred to the shower's "gaping jaws" and the pipes screaming at you. Good job!

As I read, I kept wondering why you would choose to use that particular shower. Apparently, you had younger siblings, but it seems that you were the only one that was forced to use the shower in the basement. I also wondered why you wouldn't wait until you reached the shower to get undressed. After all, even though the linen closet was near your bedroom, you could have gotten your towel and waited until you reached the shower to undress. Those were just some questions I had as I read the story.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I suggest that you make it clearer to the reader as to why you were forced to use that particular shower and why you couldn't wait until you reached the shower to undress. These were sticking points with me and detracted from my overall enjoyment of the story.

It was also a sticking point for me the way you would sometimes switch from "me" to "you". For example, in the second paragraph, I believe it would be best to say "smell lunged at me" instead of "smell lunged at you," because the story is about your experiences, and it seemed to interrupt the flow of the story for me.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story. I hope you are not offended by my suggestions; I think you have a great story that could be even better after a bit of editing. I enjoyed the read, and I look forward to checking out more of your work.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


A shared Super Power Image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
128
128
Review of Greeting the Ex-  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Schnujo is Late to Lannister , I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I decided to drop by your port since you are quickly becoming a good friend, and I'm glad I did! You have a lot of terrific writing! I chose this piece for many reasons. I am a huge fan of flash fiction, the title caught my eye and the genre was right up my alley.

I wasn't disappointed. With 100 words, you managed to tell a complete story...one that actually gave me goosebumps. With your descriptive writing, I could easily imagine the scene and feel the tension. Great job!

My Suggestions: In the third sentence, you have "if I he couldn't". The would "I" needs to be omitted. I have done this many times, and it's so easy to overlook when editing your own work. You don't expect it to be there, so you read it as if it wasn't.

A couple of sentences later, "I set me peas down..." I would suggest changing "me" to "my". Sometimes, I have difficulty reviewing work of authors from other countries because of the subtle differences in the languages, so if that is the case here, I apologize.

Overall: I'm glad I stopped by your port and read this little gem. I'm very impressed and will most definitely be dropping by again!

A Simply Positive reviewing sig.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
129
129
Review of Sweet Revenge  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I chose this little gem because I love flash fiction, and the title caught my eye. I wasn't disappointed. I know from experience how difficult it can be writing a meaningful story in 300 words or less, especially with prompts (I noticed the 3 words that were bold), but you have done a terrific job here.

You captured my attention from the beginning, because I immediately wondered how Marge would get her revenge on the apparently shallow Ken. I didn't have long to wait, and I wasn't disappointed! You incorporated the prompts flawlessly and came up with a rather original, humorous piece.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the third paragraph, Marge sat back down. Prior to that, however, she was sitting at the bar and had only thought about leaving. I suggest that you clarify this by either mentioning that she stood up to leave or by omitting that she sat back down.

I would also suggest that you give the reader more information about David Wellington, by introducing him to the story as the author, David Wellington. Admittedly, while I realized he must be famous, I didn't immediately know who he was. *Blush*

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story. I thoroughly enjoyed the read. It was an honor to review your work, and I look forward to seeing more!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
130
130
Review of Compost  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: I decided to read this story because of its clever title, and I was also intrigued by the description. I'm glad I did! I really enjoyed this piece. I'm a big fan of this genre, and you did it justice with this story. The idea was somewhat original, and although the story was relatively short, it was complete and interesting. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a coherent story using few words, but you made it seem effortless here. Good job!

When I noticed that you had started the story in present tense, I was uncertain whether or not it would work, but it did! And you did a terrific job of staying in present tense throughout the story, something many other authors have trouble with. I didn't understand why the blank footnote was at the end of the story, but, other than that, I enjoyed every word!

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: In the first paragraph, the comma after "face" should be omitted. I would put a question mark with the exclamation point at the end of that paragraph. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, "mans" should be "man's" to show possession. Also, I would insert the word "and" after the comma in the first sentence; otherwise, you have a run-on sentence, because you have two complete sentences, separated by only a comma. You have several run-on sentences in the quote in that paragraph. I know that Warren was probably rambling on, but there should be some type of punctuation.

In the first sentence of the fifth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "him". In the last sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "smirks". In the next paragraph, I would change, "Warrens face-hardens and he sneers leaning into her," to "Warren's face hardens, and he sneers as he leans into her,"

I think you have too much going on in this sentence, "Warren is stone, his eyes are closed, her legs kick out at him and her hands grasp at his- she flails outward violently." I think you should separate this into at least two sentences. A few paragraphs later, since you're continuing a quote, the word "where" shouldn't be capitalized when you're talking about dogwood trees. In the first sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "time". In the last sentence of that paragraph, "scraps" should be "scrapes". A comma should be inserted after "position" in the first sentence of the next paragraph. There should be a comma between "Sobbing" and "Warren" in that paragraph, and "guys life" should be "guy's life". In the last paragraph, first sentence, a comma should be inserted after "spring". In the last sentence, a comma should be inserted after "come".

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story. I really enjoyed the read, and I can already tell you're going to be an excellent addition to the WDC community. I look forward to visiting your port again soon.

Reach for the stars Simply Positive signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
131
131
Review of Beggar  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: I enjoy reading stories that are written from real life experiences, and this one was no exception. It was nice reading about your family's adventures with Beggar, even though they were short lived. Although the story was rather short, it was complete, and it gave adequate information about the family's time with the dog. I couldn't help but smile at the thought of the dog with its own doggie bag and the fact that he was so fond of bread.

First person narrative worked well for this piece, and the fact that it really happened made it even more entertaining. It appears from the story that you have had many other instances of strays making their way to your house. Are all of the stories behind those strays this interesting? If so, I would love to see you make a collection of such stories.

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: First, I would try to give the reader a hint as to what the story in about in the description rather than just saying it's for a contest.

You have a problem with tenses in the first paragraph. The first sentence is in past tense. Then, you switch to present tense with the second and third sentences. You go back to past tense with the last sentence of the paragraph. I suggest editing the second and third sentences to make the entire paragraph past tense.

When you're continuing a sentence after a quote, the word immediately following the quote shouldn't be capitalized. For instance, in the third paragraph, it should read, "What smells so good?" my brother asked... In the first sentence of the fourth paragraph, "outside the window" should be set off with commas. In the last sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "things". Also, how were you able to surmise that the dog had already eaten three loaves at this point?

A couple of paragraphs later, "Weeks past" should be "Weeks passed". In the next paragraph, the sentence, "He knows his way home from here I just can't figure why he stayed." seems out of place. Was this a quote of the dog's owner? If so, it should be in quotation marks. If not, it should be written in past tense like the rest of the story, but how would you know that he knew his way home from there? It doesn't make sense. In the first sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "later".

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting little story. I enjoyed the read, and I can already tell you're going to be a great addition to the WDC community. I look forward to visiting your port again soon.

Reach for the stars Simply Positive signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
132
132
Review of The wrong photo  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I chose this story because of "scary photo" in the description, and I'm glad I did. I really enjoyed this story! You did an excellent job of describing Sandra's character through her action. On a side note, I just had to go back through the story to find the character's name, and I would suggest changing some of the "she"s in the story to "Sandra".

Although the story was rather short, it was complete, and I think brevity worked for this piece. I was on the edge of my seat from the moment Sandra found the strange photo, and the ending was a complete surprise. I absolutely loved the ending! Although I'm a big fan of the horror story, I think your tame ending was perfect for this story. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First, I would capitalize every word of the title to make the story appear more professionally written. I would also skip a line between each paragraph to make the story easier to read and more visually appealing.

I would change the second "had been" in the first sentence to "was". A comma should be inserted after "Kansas" in the second sentence. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "counter". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "them". Also, at this point in the story, I noticed that you have quite a few "had"s. I suggest editing to reduce this number. In the first sentence of the fourth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "pictures". In the last sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "rebuilt".

In the first sentence of the fifth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Suddenly". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "taking". Next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "tell", and the comma after "picture" should be changed to a semicolon. In the next paragraph, "washed" is spelled incorrectly and the word "and" should be inserted after "out". A few sentences later, I would add "his chest covered..." to the end of the previous sentence. Otherwise, you have a sentence fragment here. There should be a comma after "clearly" in the next sentence.

In the next paragraph, "with adrenaline in her step" should be set off with commas. The transition in this part of the story is a bit bumpy. The character goes from taking the photo back from the clerk to opening her car door without any indication she left the store. In the last sentence of the story, "for the first time in her life" should be set off with commas.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story. It was a very good read that would be even better after a thorough edit. I look forward to checking out more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
133
133
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello again, druid . Of course, after reading the first part of your story, I could hardly wait to come back to your port and read Part 2, so here I am.

My Thoughts: I like the way you started this part of the story with a description of the hunting lodge, and you did an excellent job of describing it. I could easily imagine what it looked and felt like by your description. Good job!

I almost gave this part of the story a lower rating because of the way you left me hanging. He finally meets Myra, and you're not even going to tell us about it?! I can only hope that you add a Part 3 to this story, as I'm dying to know how the meeting turned out.

As with Part 1, I think I could have more easily gotten into the story had it been written in past tense instead of present. And again, I like the way you told the story as though you were telling it to Myra. I think you could have expanded this part a bit more and focused more on Ru's anxiety, impatience, worry and thoughts leading up to the meeting. And I would have REALLY liked for the story to keep going to let us know how the visit went!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the second sentence, a comma should be inserted before "of course". I would stop that sentence there and start a new sentence with, "It has been converted..." In that sentence, "lovers" should be "lovers'" to show possession. Later in that paragraph, I would change "5 days" to "five days". In the last sentence, I'd move "suddenly" to immediately after "laugh". In the second sentence of the next paragraph, I would change "Looking" to "I look" to avoid a sentence fragment.

In the first sentence of the fifth paragraph, a comma should be inserted before "of course". In the next sentence, "in my heart" should be set off with commas. A few sentences later, "it's deep softness" should be "its deep softness", because you're not trying to write a contraction for "it is". In the last sentence of that paragraph, I would write out both numbers. In the next paragraph, "wristwatch" should be one word, and "tight" should be "tightly".

In the first sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "later". In the next paragraph, "stepping under the shower head" should be set off with commas. In the last paragraph, "taking a deep breath" should be set off with commas.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing another interesting chapter of this story. I enjoyed reading it, and I really hope there's a Part 3 in the near future.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*



Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
134
134
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, druid ! I came upon this piece, and, as I am somewhat intrigued by Internet relationships, I couldn't pass up the chance to read and review it. I hope I will be able to provide something useful!

My Thoughts: I find it amazing how we can become so emotionally connected to someone we have never met, and I must say that this story describes that perfectly. Ru was an interesting and likable character, and I like the way you told the story as though he was talking to Myra, recounting the events to her. I don't know that telling the story in present tense was the best idea. It became confusing at times for me, and I think past tense may be a better choice.

I would have liked to have a bit more information about Ru. How old is he? Does he have any children? I would also like to have more information about Myra. I couldn't help but think that she so hastily broke off the relationship because she was married or seeing someone, but there's no further indication of either. Maybe I'll get answers to these questions in Part 2.

Your account of Ru's previous conversation with Myra, in which she broke off their relationship, was spot on. I could easily imagine that happening, and I could feel Ru's panic and distress as I read. The story held my interest from the beginning to the very last word, and I look forward to moving on to Part 2.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I would change the last sentence of the first paragraph to "And it feels even longer." In the last sentence of the fourth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "and" so that "for the first time in my working life" is set off with commas. In the first sentence of the fifth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "suddenly". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "online". In the second sentence of the next paragraph, you have no subject, so it's actually a sentence fragment. I would change "Storming" to "I stormed" to remedy this.

I stumbled over this sentence: "Fingers flying across the touch screen with barely a thought, the phone as my primary link to you having become almost an extension of myself these past few months: "Calling you earlier tonight. 5 your time"." I would change this to something like, "Being my primary link to you, my phone had become almost an extension of myself these past few months. My fingers flew across the screen with barely a thought as I retrieved your text: "Calling you earlier tonight. 5 your time." The next sentence is also a bit wordy, and I would consider changing it to, "I was used to receiving very brief texts from you, but this one was terse, even for you."

In the next paragraph, about halfway through, "before I knew it" should be set off with commas. In the next paragraph, I would change "Holding my breath" to "I held my breath". Otherwise, you have another sentence fragment here, because there's no subject. A few sentences later, "as usual" should be set off with commas.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting and believable chapter. I really enjoyed the read, and there's no doubt that I will move on to Part 2!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*



Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
135
135
Review of Dessert  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: I was drawn in with the first sentence, as I love horror stories. You did an excellent job of telling the story from the perspective of a twenty-year-old. The thoughts and dialogue were very believable. I could easily imagine the events that you described in the story, and, although the piece was rather short, I liked the way you immediately dove into the action scenes.

I imagine housesitting could be a frightening experience, and I like the way this story exacerbated that. It's a rather original idea, and I really liked it. Good job.

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: First of all, because of a certain swear word in the story, the rating should be changed from "13+" to "18+".

In the first sentence, "creeks" should be "creaks". "Creeks" refers to bodies of water. I would insert a comma after "mean" in the second sentence. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, "being so far back in the woods with no neighbors close by" should be set off with commas. In the second sentence of the third paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "on". In the second sentence of the fourth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "before".

In the third sentence of the fifth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "At first". In the next paragraph, "when I looked at him" should be set off with commas. In the next paragraph, "ricocheting" is spelled incorrectly. In the next paragraph, I would change "This was the last time I ever did a good deed." to "That was the last time I would ever do a good deed." A couple of paragraphs later, a comma should be inserted after "several doors".

I think you should have mentioned that your coworker's name was Mel before the end of the story. I would suggest doing it at the beginning instead. Finally, since this story was written in first person narrative, I didn't like the way it ended. If you were the dessert, then, obviously, you wouldn't be around to write the story. I would consider changing to third person narrative instead.

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this little tale of fright. I enjoyed the read, and I can already tell you're going to be a great addition to the WDC community. I look forward to visiting your port again soon.

Reach for the stars Simply Positive signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
136
136
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I chose this story to review because of its excellent title. I mean, who wouldn't be excited to read about a guy named "Stewart Plinkman" getting revenge? Although the description wasn't quite as attention grabbing, it was intriguing, and it, too, made me anxious to read the story.

You have some great characters here with Stewart and Ms. Goodnight. The beginning of the story captured my interest, and you held it throughout. I especially like the way you gave a background of the couple to make it more obvious as to why Stewart was so adamant about getting revenge. It was easy to imagine the scenes that you described, and I found myself wavering between rooting for Stewart and wondering if he may still have a crush on November. Hey, anything's possible!

You could easily make this story into a longer work. I'd love to hear more about these two interesting characters.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I was somewhat disappointed that we never found out what Stewart's revenge actually was and whether or not he was successful in getting it. After all, the story's title made me think that I would learn all about the revenge, but that wasn't the case. The ending was a bit ambiguous. I wondered if he planned to get revenge by poisoning November's coffee, but, if that were the case, I believe he would have been a little more disappointed that she poured it on him. I would suggest adding to the end of the story to let the reader in on what the revenge was and if Stewart was successful in getting it.

Near the end of the first paragraph, "then again" should be set off with commas. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, one of the "finally"s should be omitted. Also, it didn't seem fitting that Stewart would be working at a minimum wage job for a boss he hated after going to graduate school. I think you need to add a little more background explaining why he had so much trouble getting a job in order to make this believable.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story. I really enjoyed reading about Stewart and November, and I look forward to checking out more of your work.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
137
137
Review of One Day at a Time  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I decided to read and review this short story when I noticed that it has been posted for quite some time without any ratings. I'm glad I did, as I really enjoyed the story. What seems to be a rather inconsequential story at first glance is likely anything but to a reader who has suffered the wrath of bullies. I'm sure that any of those readers could easily relate to this little story.

You chose a very fitting title for the story, and the description adequately informed the reader of what to expect from the read. Although the story was quite short, it was complete in that it described the day in the life of a bullied child. It held my interest, and including the cute girl from math class was a nice touch. I also like the way you ended the story, essentially informing the reader that Paul isn't safe just yet. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I think the story was a bit unclear as to how many bullies there were. First, you say "nemesis", which would indicate there is only one. Then, you go on to say "aggressors", which indicates there is more than one. Finally, you say "foe", which again indicates only one. I suggest editing to make the number of bullies clear.

In the second sentence, there should be a comma after "go", before the closing quotes. In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "packed". The comma after "sounded" in the following sentence should be omitted. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "groups". In the first sentence of the fourth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "corner".

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story about a subject that should be addressed more often. I enjoyed the read, and I look forward to checking out more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
138
138
Review of Old daycare.  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: I chose this story because it was written for the 100 word horror contest, and it was listed as non-fiction. However, after reading this little story, I have to question whether or not you need to change it to 'fiction'. I have a very hard time believing that this story is non-fiction.

You have a really good idea for a story here; I can't imagine a scene more eerie than an abandoned daycare. However, it's extremely difficult to develop the characters, setting and story itself using only 100 words. I would love to see you expand this, because I think you could writer an excellent longer piece with these characters and the scene you chose. As to the instant story, I did like it, but I felt it was too short. While I understand the word limit, I would consider expanding this one and choosing a setting and characters less elaborate for the 100 word piece.

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: In the first sentence, "abandon" should be "abandoned", and the comma after "daycare" should be a period. In the second sentence, since the rest of the story is in past tense, "start" should be "started". Also, you have to keep in mind that you have to make every single word count when you have a 100 word count limit. Take a look at these sentences: "They started horsing around when the lights start to flicker on. Then it went black." What do they really add to the story? Does it add anything to the very short story to say that the characters were horsing around? Does it make the story more horrifying? You have to consider these things when you have such a stringent word limit. You could save several words and get the same results by simply saying, "The lights flickered, then went black."

In the next sentence you say, "They looked at the walls, the paint was peeling right off." First of all, this is a run-on sentence, because it's two complete sentences separated only by a comma. To remedy this, you could change the comma after "walls" to a period and start a new sentence with, "The paint..." But remember your word limit and how much horrifying detail could take the place of these 2 sentences. Does it really add anything to the story to tell the reader that they looked at the walls? And I believe most people would take for granted that the paint on the walls of an abandoned daycare would be peeling. While this detail would be great to put in a longer story, you only have 100 words to terrify the reader, and these few sentences really add nothing to that.

The next sentence, "The building starts to shift, they try to run but they fallen." is another instance of a run-on sentence. This could be remedied by changing the comma after "shift" to a period and starting a new sentence with "They tried..." Notice that I suggested "tried" instead of "try", because "try" is present tense, and the rest of your story is in past tense. In that regard, "fallen" should be "fell". But, as before, you don't have to be quite so wordy to describe this. You could say, "The building shifted, knocking them off balance." and free up a lot of words.

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story. I enjoyed reading it, and I think you could be a really good author of this genre, especially with longer stories. I look forward to checking out more of your work!

Reach for the stars Simply Positive signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
139
139
Review of Cyber Friend  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: You have an excellent idea for a story here. I'm always fascinated by stories involving meeting someone online, and this little jewel reminds me why one must be extremely cautious. Your descriptions of the family members were adequate, but I wondered where Jamie's mother was throughout the ordeal.

First person narrative worked well for this piece, and it allowed me to empathize with Jamie as I read. I think this is a story that would perhaps be better if expanded, because it seemed like everything happened a little abruptly. I would have liked to have learned more about Jamie's relationship with Ken, how it started, how serious it was, etc.

I loved the twist at the end of the story. Actually, I loved both twists - first what happened with Amy, then what happened after Jamie realized it was all a dream. I love stories with a twist at the end, and you provided two excellent ones here. Good job!

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: First, I would suggest going through the entire story and ensuring that it's either written in present tense or past tense, but not both. As is, you begin the story in present tense, and by the third sentence, it's in past tense. Then, you quickly go back to present tense and skip around throughout. I would suggest remaining in past tense through the entire story.

Next, I would suggest that you divide the story into paragraphs and skip a line between each paragraph. I think that would make the story more visually appealing and easier to read.

There are numerous instances in the story in which you have run-on sentences. The first instance is the third sentence of the story. You have, "You never even seen him before how do you know he is even a teen?" This should be two different sentences, written, "You've never even seen him before. How do you know he is even a teen?" Also in that sentence, I would omit one of the instances of "even". The very next sentence is another run-on sentence. “He wouldn’t lie to me Amy he is not like that." should be two separate sentences, written "He wouldn't lie to me, Amy. He is not like that." Also, notice that I inserted a comma before Amy.

There are several other instances of run-on sentences that need to be edited and other parts of the story that need to be edited. If you need further assistance, please feel free to email me for help.

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting story. It's a good story that could be even better after a thorough edit. Should you decide to do so, I would be glad to offer additional help and/or review it again after you're finished. Regardless, I look forward to reading more of your work.

Reach for the stars Simply Positive signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
140
140
Review of Copycat  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I chose this story because of its interesting title and description, and I'm glad I did. I really enjoyed reading this. Although it was extremely short, it was complete and interesting. I have read similar stories, and I even thought that I had read this one until I saw that I hadn't reviewed it, so I had an idea that the author was writing about a mirror early on. That's something you want to avoid, especially in a story this short.

Otherwise, I think this was a great short story. First person narrative was perfect for the story, and it was rather easy, even in this short piece, for me to relate to the narrator. I like the way you ended the story, providing adequate closure and leaving no unanswered questions. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I didn't like the way you began the story in present tense, as though the events of the story are just occurring, but ended the story in past tense, making it clear that that isn't the case. If anything, the first part of the story should be in past tense while the last part should be told in past tense. You mention your current job, but then you go on to say the copycat made you lose your job. You begin the story by implying that the copycat is staring at you (present tense) but end it with the revelation that you have already discovered whom (or what) the copycat is.

In the first paragraph, either "also" or "too" should be omitted, because they mean the same thing, and both of them aren't needed. In the second paragraph, I would change "later than I usually do" to "later than usual". In the middle of the story, "him and I" should be "he and I". In the first sentence of the last paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "later".

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting short story. I really enjoyed the read, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
141
141
Review of The Reaper  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Jellyfish-on holiday . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" . *UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: Wow, you have a wide array of items in your port! I had a difficult time choosing what to read, but, of course, I had to choose something that sounded a bit morbid. I'm glad I did! It is rare that I get goosebumps when reading a story, but I could feel them prickling my legs when I got to the end of this one. Good job!

As I read the story, I found myself relating to and empathizing with Kate. I used to be the world's worst to convince myself that I was suffering from some horrible disease. Unlike Kate, though, I would just self diagnose and never go to the doctor. Luckily, I got out of that habit, but when I read this story, I knew exactly how Kate felt. I have never been obsessed with death in general - just my own. *Laugh*

You hooked me with the first paragraph and your description of Luke and Kate made it easy for me to imagine them and the nature of their interactions as I read the story. First person narrative worked well for this piece, and I believe it allowed be to not only become more involved with the story but also to be more empathetic with Kate.

The ending was perfect, and it adequately wrapped up the entire story. It also left me with an eerie feeling, which is exactly what stories such as this are supposed to do.

*Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab*


My Suggestions: I would omit the word "very" from the first sentence. There should be a comma after "athletic" in the second sentence. In the second paragraph, "consequently" should be set off with commas. In the third paragraph, "however" should be set off with commas. In that paragraph, I would also change "next door's cat" to "the cat next door". In the second sentence of the following paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Sometimes". In that sentence, in order to maintain parallelism, I would change "others cajoling" to "other times, he would cajole". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "so".

In the first sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "four". In the next sentence, I would omit one or both instances of the word "had". A comma should be inserted after "Apparently" in the following sentence. In the next paragraph, "afterwards" should be set off with commas. A few paragraphs later, first sentence, a comma should be inserted after "coincidence". A comma should be inserted after "evening" in the first sentence of the next paragraph. Two sentences later, a comma should be inserted after "often". A few paragraphs later, there shouldn't be spaces between the quotation marks and the quotes, and it should read like this: "I am not,". As is, it looks like you're starting to quote "He". Also, "he" shouldn't be capitalized.

In the second sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "night". A few paragraphs later, "as I wandered in to the kitchen to make my breakfast" should be set off with comma. Also, I would change "in to" to "into" in that sentence. I would also change "in to" at the end of that sentence to "into".

*Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this eerie little read. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I can't wait to check out more of your work!

*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*


** Image ID #1833149 Unavailable **




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
142
142
Review of Trepidation  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

My Thoughts: I chose this story because of it's interesting title, and I'm glad I did! I really enjoyed this little story. I know that, when writing a story with only 100 words, you have no choice but to make every single word count. For the most part, you did just that. You did a great job of building the anticipation, and you provided as much background as you could with the limited word count. Even though I hardly got to know him, I felt myself empathizing with poor Archer and his dire situation. That's exactly how the reader should have felt. Good job!

I particularly like the way you ended the story. That's about all Archer could have done in his situation, but the way you brought the story to an end was perfect. You left no stone unturned, and, while you clued the reader in on what would happen next, you left it up to the reader to infer what happened from there. Horror is one of my favorite genres, and I must say that you did it justice with this little creepy tale.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I would omit the word "up" from the first sentence. The story would read just as well without it, and, given the limited word count, I think the extra word would be better put to use somewhere else. I would insert a comma after "door" in that sentence so it doesn't seem as though you're saying the door was gasping for air. The sentence, "Less than human, but significantly more dangerous." is a sentence fragment, because it doesn't contain both a subject and a verb. While that works in some stories, I don't think it worked well in this one because of its length. I would change it to, "The were less than human, but significantly more dangerous." Because that forced you to add two words, omitting "up" at the beginning would give you one extra word. As to the other word, I think you could omit "left" from the second sentence without affecting the story. In the last sentence of the first paragraph, I would change "This is why" to "That was why" because the rest of the story is told in past tense.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting little horror story. I really enjoyed the read, and I can already tell you're going to be an excellent addition to the WDC community. If you haven't already done so, I would strongly suggest that you check out "Invalid Item" . It's an excellent way to familiarize yourself with the community, and I would be glad to show you around. I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Valentine PR Sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
143
143
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I am a big fan of flash fiction, so I was anxious to read a piece in the supernatural genre. You did an excellent job of creating an eerie scene in such a short piece. I could easily imagine David and Brandon creeping around the house and David's shock and horror when he found himself sitting in a pool of blood. With a 300 word limit, you didn't have much of an opportunity to provide background. In that regard, I think it was a good idea that you went straight to the grisly horror scene.

I loved the story's ending. "It had killed again" tells us so much and answers many questions the reader would otherwise be left with. After reading that sentence, I would consider David and Brandon heroes for having the guts to even step outside their home with that knowledge.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First, I would suggest changing the title of the story to something that gives the reader a hint as to what the story is about.

In the first paragraph, "They had both been awakened screaming." just didn't flow well for me. How could you be awakened screaming unless you had a nightmare? Then, it makes it seem unlikely that two people would suffer that same fate. Now that the contest is over, I would expand this piece, especially this first part, to add clarity. Were they awakened because they heard screaming? If so, that's not clear here.

Also, since you have the ability to expand this piece now, I would give more information about David and Brandon. Did they live together? Were they brothers? Lovers? What were they doing that they would be awakened together in the middle of the night?

In the next-to-last paragraph of the story, "He realized leg was wet" should be "He realized his leg was wet.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting little story. I enjoyed the read, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
144
144
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: Awww, poor Eleanor! I did the 12 Days of Christmas Contest, too, and I wanted to see what you did with the word prompts. I must say that I'm impressed! I love the fact that you dared to do something different here and strayed away from the normal sappy Christmas stories. I would much prefer to read about poor Eleanor and her clueless suitor.

I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a story with several word prompts and stay within a 500 word limit, but you made it seem effortless here. You did a terrific job of describing Eleanor and Howard, and you made it rather easy to imagine the schlub that Eleanor almost married. I don't think I'll be visiting Meetaman dot-com any time soon. I love the name of that website. *Laugh* The story ended perfectly, and I was happy to see Eleanor come to her senses! I bet she was a bit disappointed, though, when she didn't get to go skeet shooting on her honeymoon. That was hilarious!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the second sentence, I would consider changing, "so the landlord gave her a grace period, but she still couldn’t" to "and, even though the landlord gave her a grace period, she still couldn't". I just think the sentence would read more smoothly that way. I would end the first sentence of the second paragraph at "expectations" and start a new sentence with, "In fact, she..."

In the first sentence of the fifth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "about". In the first sentence of the following paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "days". In the next sentence, I would change "pick-up Eleanor" to "pick Eleanor up". In the next paragraph, I would change the comma after "marrying Howard" to a semicolon. In the first sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "morning". First sentence of the following paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "sharp". In the last sentence of that paragraph, "with determination" should be set off with commas.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this funny little story! I enjoyed the read, and I hope to see you in the Valentine's Day contest! I'll definitely be visiting your port again soon.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
145
145
Review of THE SKY  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I chose this story to review, because it didn't have any ratings. I'm glad I did. I got a few chuckles while reading the story. The plot was rather original, and I knew I was going to like it with the revelation that Roland was watering his sidewalk. Every now and then, I like reading a story that incorporates a bit of nonsense, and this one was just what I needed tonight. I think this would be a good story for children.

I could easily imagine the steps that poor Roland was taking to protect himself and his property. The story held my interest from the very first sentence until the end, but I couldn't figure out why you would add his age at the very end. It seemed out of place and irrelevant to me. Also, even though the entire story is humorous and a stretch, I didn't like the part where the neighbors went on with their business after the sky had fallen. I mean, how could they do that? Even though the entire story seemed impossible, that part was a bit too much for me.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the first sentence, "by accident" should be set off with commas. Also, you have two instances of the word "had" in that sentence. I suggest changing the sentence to past tense instead of past perfect. To do so, change "had been" to "was" and omit the second "had". I would also omit "had" from the second sentence. A comma should be inserted after "least" in that sentence. In the third sentence, I would again omit "had", change "some property" to "the property", omit the word "present". I would end the sentence after "on it" and start a new sentence with, "He was a little..." A comma should be inserted after "because" in that sentence. In the following sentence, I would omit both instances of the word "had". In the next sentence, I would set "when he watered it" off with commas. In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "wide".

I would omit the word "had" from the first sentence of the second paragraph. A comma should be inserted after "falling" in that sentence. In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "day". In the next sentence, the word "a" should be omitted (from "a apparently"). In that same sentence, "obviously" should be set off with commas, and a comma should be inserted after "situation". A comma should be inserted after "fell" in the last sentence of that paragraph. In the first sentence of the third paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "days". The word "instead" should be set off with commas in that sentence. I would omit the first instance of "still" in the next sentence. I would omit the word "had" from the next sentence. In the first sentence of the last paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "weeks".

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this funny little story. I enjoyed the read, and I look forward to checking out more of your work.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
146
146
Review of The Door  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is a good children's story. The story is short and sweet and has a happy ending, all of which make for a desirable story for a child. I cannot a child who would not be fascinated by a talking squirrel living in a tree and the person who discovers he can miraculously shrink small enough to go inside the tree and visit with the squirrel. The story was written in a friendly tone that would easily capture a child's interest.

I liked the description of the inside of the tree looking like it was many stories high, and I can just imagine a child's wonder at reading that. I also like the fact that the squirrel offered tea and sweets to Billy. I think that would appeal to a child as well. Finally, as I said before, I like the way you ended the story on a happy note. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First, I would change the description of the story so that it gives a hint as to what the story is about rather than telling that it's for a contest. I think that would draw more readers.

Next, it was an issue for me that you soon contradicted the first sentence of the story. You begin by claiming that nobody really know's what's behind the door at the bottom of the tree, but you go on to tell that you do know what is behind it and tell the reader exactly what it is. Therefore, I would suggest you change that first sentence. Also in that first sentence, you have a tense issue, because "knows" is present tense and "lived" is past tense. Since the rest of the story is in past tense, "knows" should be "knew". In the last sentence of the first paragraph, "wondrous" is spelled incorrectly.

Finally, near the end of the story, you say that you sat in an "ornately carved sofa". Did you sit "in" the sofa or "on" the sofa? I suggest changing "in" to "on". Also, I think "ornately carved" may be a bit too much for a child to comprehend. I suggest reconsidering this description.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting little story. I enjoyed the read and look forward to visiting your port again soon.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
147
147
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Joy . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" . *UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: The story started out a bit show, but before I knew it, I was right in the middle of the action! I was convinced that something terrible had happened to Warren. Myra was an easy character to empathize with, and you threw little hints about her personality and tendencies out there that I noticed but still missed until the end. I loved the scene with the men's dressing room mirror. Just the image of that scene set the stage for something ominous.

The scene at the office came as a total shock, and I quickly knew what would happen next...or at least I thought I did. Boy, was I wrong! I love stories with a twist at the end, and this one was right up my alley! I think I actually sat with my mouth open for a few seconds after reading the last sentence of the story. Great job!

*Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab*


My Suggestions: In the last sentence of the second paragraph, I would insert a comma after "Then". In the fifth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Next to the archway". In the second sentence of the tenth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Suddenly". Several paragraphs later, I would change the sentence, "A sales clerk came running. When she learned what happened," to, "A sales clerk came over, and, when she learned what had happened, she said," and omit the "she said" that you have a little later. In that same paragraph, "a few of hours" should be "a few hours". In the same sentence, there should be a space between the comma and "cutting".

Three paragraphs later, I would rearrange the sentence, "Until closing time, I waited in the store." to "I waited in the store until closing time.", because I think active voice is always better than passive. Four paragraphs later, I would change, "The police has" to "The police have". A few paragraphs later, I would change, "I stuffed into my large handbag all the papers and note-pads that could be important." to "I stuffed all the papers and notepads that could be important into my large handbag.", as I think the sentence would read better that way. I would rewrite the sentences: "The carpet was the same red one with green dots. I recalled the skiing vacation Warren and I had taken here together." to "The carpet was the same red with green dots that it was when Warren and I had taken a skiing vacation here together."

*Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story! I really enjoyed the read, and I think it would be even better after a quick edit. I look forward to checking out more of your work.

*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*


** Image ID #1833149 Unavailable **




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
148
148
Review of The Invasion  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: Science fiction isn't one of my favorite genres, and the title and description made me think that's what this story was. I'm glad I read it anyway. It was terrific.

Although the story was rather short, it was complete, and by the end, your descriptive writing made me anxious to find out what would become of the narrator in this invasion. First person narration worked well for this piece, and I quickly found myself concerned about the narrator and rooting for her (I think the narrator's female). In the first paragraph, the sentences are rather short and choppy. Reading on, you add more detail to the paragraphs. I think that also worked well in this story.

And the ending? Brilliant! I never saw it coming, and I am a sucker for twists at the end of stories. You did a fantastic job with this one. Reading back over the story, subtle hints were there, but I would have never guessed it. Great job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: Most of my suggestions are about punctuation. In the third sentence, a comma should be inserted after "signs". In the last sentence of the second paragraph, "nowhere" should be one word. In the first sentence of the third paragraph, "for the most part" should be set off with commas. Later in that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Every now and then". In the second sentence of the fifth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "let up".

Near the end of the story, a comma should be inserted after "Every now and then". I would also suggest reconsidering the use of one instance of that phrase, because you used it twice in a rather short story. Maybe you could change the first instance to "Every so often,"?

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this excellent short story! I thoroughly enjoyed the read, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
149
149
Review of Wolfs pain  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
'Header for The Gift Shop This review is part of the gift basket from "Invalid Item"  that you won at the "Invalid Item"  raffle.'

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


My Thoughts: This is an excellent short story! I loved your use of the photo at the beginning. It, and your descriptive writing, did wonders to help me imagine the setting as I read the story.

You wasted no time getting into the grisly detail, and I think that's just how a short horror story should be. The second paragraph put me on the edge of my seat, and I remained there until the very last word of the story. And it ended perfectly! The ending was rather unexpected, and it wrapped everything up neatly. It also made way for a possible sequel, because I would love to know what happened to John afterward!

John was an interesting character, and it was easy to empathize with his situation. I could almost feel his despair and uncertainty at having no choice but to kill his wife. Perhaps that accounted for his mistake, because he seemed like the type that just didn't make mistakes. You gave the reader so much to think about in this short story! Great job!

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


My Suggestions: First of all, I suggest that you change "Wolfs" in the title to "Wolf's" to show possession. I also suggest capitalizing "pain" in the title. I think these changes would make the story more appealing to the the readers.

In the second sentence, I would change "which" to "that". In the last sentence of the paragraph, you say "a member" but go on to say "they" and "them". In that regard, I would change "a member" to "members" to keep it all plural. In the third paragraph, I would remove the apostrophes around "was". In the last sentence of that paragraph, I would change "here" to "there" to keep the story in past tense. In the last sentence of the sixth paragraph, "are" should be changed to "were" because the rest of the story is in past tense.

In the second sentence of the seventh paragraph, I would omit "it was" as I think the sentence would read more fluidly without it. A few sentences later, the comma after "body" should be omitted. In the following sentence, "notice" should be "noticed". In the last sentence of the story, shouldn't "Nights Master" be "Night Master" since it was singular throughout the rest of the story?

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this excellent little horror story. I thoroughly enjoyed the read and can't wait to check out more of your work!

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


Image #1611753 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
150
150
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: Your interesting title and description drew me in, and I'm glad I read this story! While I think the "horror" genre was a bit misleading, the story was very good and easily held my attention. The ending was perfect, even throwing a bit of humor in at this otherwise dire and shocking situation.

I'm sure that many of us can relate to poor Bartleby, and this little story really made me think about his situation and question whether people have really taken those feelings to that extreme. My instinct says yes, and even if they haven't, you did a terrific job of giving us a glimpse of what could happen if they did.

I like your writing style and the way you often hint that what you are stating is obvious. Although the story was somewhat short, it was complete, and you gave us adequate background information and character description without bogging the story down with boring details. Great job!

sadness and loneliness slept with him at night, and grief greeted him in the morning *Left* I LOVED that line!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the second sentence, a comma should be inserted after "others". In that same sentence, I would consider changing "staging grounds" to simply "stage" and omit "--like larceny--". When thinking of heinous crimes, larceny is probably the last thing that comes to my mind. In that same sentence, "for Bartleby" should be set off with commas. Also, I suggest you reconsider your use of hyphens around phrases in this story. I think it was a bit overused, especially since commas look neater and could have served the same purpose.

In the second sentence of the second paragraph, when you're making a list of things in his apartment, "a" should be inserted before "microwave" because you used it before every other item. A few sentences later, "at this very instant" should be "at that very instant" because the rest of the story is told in past tense. In the third paragraph, you spelled "tenants" incorrectly, and it is spelled incorrectly again near the end of the story. Near the end of the third paragraph, I would omit the word "which" from "fact which being". In the next sentence, "is linked" should be "was linked" to keep the story in past tense.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this great little story. I thoroughly enjoyed the read, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
451 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 19 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/outoftouch/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6