Hello Tori, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your short story, " Self Hate," and thought I would leave some comments.
It is funny how, when we are young, we hate our bodies or our hair or indeed just how we look in general.
In your story, I would rather be Willow than the others in the school though.
Hi Sam, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your story, " Remembering My Grandparents, " and thought I would leave some comments.
You sound very fortunate indeed to have had such loving grandparents, I did not know mine or if I did I would have been a baby and not remembered them.
I have a few suggestions: First paragraph there is too much use of the word "and.'"
For example:"A great part of my childhood was when my grandparents came to visit. My sisters and brother and I would always be excited to see them. They lived in the same city as us so we were lucky to see them often. I can remember my mother making Sunday dinners and I would look out my living room window waiting for my grandparents to arrive. After dinner my grandmother Marion would treat us to a song on the piano. We had a piano in our living room and my family would gather around and listen to her play."
Some of this can be said without the word and.
"A great part of my childhood was when my grandparents came to visit. My sisters,brother and I would always be excited to see them. They lived in the same city as us so we were lucky to see them often. I can remember my mother making Sunday dinners, I would look out my living room window waiting for my grandparents to arrive. After dinner my grandmother, Marion, would treat us to a song on the piano. We had a piano in our living room and my family would gather around and listen to her play."
Also you mention your. "Bionic woman piggy bank," as you have already said which kind of piggy bank it is then there is no need to repeat it the next time, just piggy bank would do.
Hello Maggie, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your story, "The Angel Tree," which I found on the random reviews and thought I would leave some comments.
This is an amazing story, so emotional, it had me crying. This would make a lovely Christmas film.
The imagery is excellent, I felt like I was there while reading it.
Hello Dr M C Gupta, how are you? I have just read your poem, "Life Without Religion," which I found on the random reviews and thought I would leave some comments.
I thought this one of the most honest and heartfelt poems I think I have ever read.
You are right, religion is the root of all evil. It brings pain, suffering and senseless wars.
I love the last verse and how true it is.
Then it is time to say goodbye
To such a religion.
Religion not interfering,
Life will be such a fun!
Hello Katie, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your chapter, " The Forevers," and thought I would leave some comments.
I really enjoyed this. A story of living after death. I shall have to seek out chapter one.
I love the name Ireland, how unusual.
I also like the relationship between Ireland and Remington. they seem to dislike each other and yet there is a hint of attraction there.
Hello Jennifer. how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your story, "Forgiveness," and thought I would leave some comments.
A very well written yet tragic story. For someone close to you to violate you that way is not right at all.
I admire the way you have dealt with it and indeed that you have been able to write about it.
Hello Oldwarrior, how are you? I do not believe I have read any of your work before, but I am so glad I came across this piece.
I really enjoyed reading this inspirational piece and of course you are right, to be happy or sad is our choice. It took me a long to realise this, but since I have, I no longer worry about anything .
Hello Cardynal Syn, how are you? I have just read your poem, " Smart Phone," and thought I would leave some comments.
This made me laugh and it says it all about mobile phones. Personally I hate them, they do far too many things. I only ever use mine to make a call or send a text message. Anything else, I stick to my PC or laptop.
Hello Catness, I am not going to ask how you are, because your poem says it all!
I am sure you will get over it as your last line says.
Just a bit of fun:
"There is nothing worse than pounding head,
and we feel the need to crawl to bed,
but lying down just makes it worse,
Oh someone please, just call the nurse!"
Hello Terra, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your story, "iNK," and thought I would leave some comments.
I thought this started off very well. The first few lines drew me in and I wanted to read more. However, and I am being honest, my interest stopped when I came to "grey suit man," and "tweed jacket." All through the story you called them that. I think they ought to have names.
I like the nature of the story, which appears to be about alien creatures. I think, if you sort out those names, it will make a much more interesting read.
Hello Jules, how are you? I have just read your poem, "Purple Beautiful Whispers," which I found on the random reviews and thought I would leave some comments.
A lovely way to describe someone, as a flower.
My favourite lines are the first four:
I'm unable to sleep
I just can't stop thinking about this one flower
The way it stands tall and proud
It's petals swaying confidently in the fresh morning breeze
Suggestions: In this line: "Oh how I wish I could stare at this flower for hours
Hours and hours" the last hours and hours spoil it a little and I think it would read better without them.
Also this line: :"The essence of innocence in this flower will be ruined if one were to pick this flower," the last, "this flower," would be better left out as you have already said it.
Hope this helps and thank you for sharing your poem.
Hello Seeker Sam, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your poem, "Ehud Ben-Gera," and thought I would leave some comments.
I found this very funny and once or twice actually laughed out loud. I am not a religious person, so perhaps not everyone will see the humour.
The only thing I would say is , I found the third verse a little long. Perhaps you could make this in to two verses.
Hello TongueTiedTony, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your poem," Silence," and thought I would leave some comments.
I am not usually a fan of non-rhyming poetry, however, I found this a very enjoyable read. I read it a few times.
Hello Starla Gail. how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your poem," Angel Dreams," and thought I would leave some comments.
Personally I like to believe in Angels. I think it is a comfort.
I like your little poem, however, I think, rather than having it all clumped together, it would read much nicer in separate lines.
Like this:
Wings are fluttering,
Soaring with my dreams,
Atop each feather,
on my Angela's back
a bright light dreams
through window shutters
shining for all to see
through stormy weather,
my heart forever beams.
Also in the in the fourth line, Angela's, I think you might have meant Angels.
Hello Penelope, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your poem,"Love And Life," and thought I would leave some comments.
I am not usually a fan of non-rhyming poems, but I could not pass this one by. I related to this very well as I have a sibling who drinks.
These lines especially hit home:
"The alcohol permeates your beautiful spirit,
Turning you into a familiar stranger,
Rather than the man I love."
Your poem, in it's simplicity, expresses very well the emotion brought about by alcohol.
Hello T,L,Finch. how are you? I do not think I have had the pleasure of reading your work before. I found your poem,"Postcards," on the random reviews and thought I would leave some comments.
I thought this a beautiful poem which almost made me cry. It is beautiful in it's simplicity. Postcards found that bring back memories of the authors loved one.
I love the rhythm and rhyme. I am not a fan of non-rhyming poetry and so this was a treat to find.
Hello Leana, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your poem,"Romance," and thought I would leave some comments.
Your poem speaks of a lot of lovers and how you (or who you speak of) loved them all. I suppose there are many different kinds of love.
Suggestions: Neverending, is not one word, it should be, 'never ending." neither is ,"neverbeginning," one word, again it should be ,"never beginning."
Hello Diamond Jim. how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your story,"My Favourite Hobo," and thought I would leave some comments.
I am assuming you are working on this as there is very little to review. You can set it to private till you are finished. That way members cannot read it till it is ready.
However, as I am here, I will say this line: "To us, the city was a big place," should be,"is a big place."
Hello Roselee, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your poem, "Moterways," and thought I would leave some comments.
I dislike motorways too. I think driving along the country roads are much nicer.
First of all your title is spelled wrong, moterways should be motorways.
There are a couple of lines that do not make sense, for example this one: "I enjoy the A-roads even if thought I'm last." Perhaps you meant," Even though I am last?"
Also this verse:
You can stop at an inn and enjoy,
And enjoy a meal or take a walk down the street,
Chat with people that you meet.
I think, "and enjoy," in the second line should be left out.
Hello Banapplemaengo, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your story, "Not Yet Final," and thought I would leave some comments.
I quite enjoyed this little story, although I am left wondering what happened to Amy and why was Denver invisible.
Suggestions: Sentences should always begin with a capital letter.
Hello Little Ronnie, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your poem, "Childhood Dreams," and thought I would leave some comments.
Childhood dreams, we all have them. Some achieved when we are grown and some forgotten. If this about you, I hope you achieve it someday. Flying has always been something I fear and I have only flown twice, that was as a baby and I had no choice.
Hello hollister, how are you? Welcome to WDC, I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your story,"Tina," and thought I would leave some comments.
It sounds as though the man in your story is getting along fine without Tina. Those fresh home grown vegetables sound good and oh how I wish Sundays were as they used to be.
One spelling mistake I noticed in this line: "Since Tina left, I have replaced all her pitchers around the house with those of my cat." Pitchers should be pictures.
Hello Rosemarie, how are you welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here, I have just read your chapter," Shoelaces Untied," and thought I would leave some comments.
So far the story appears to be about a girl meeting strangers who change her world.
I have some suggestions: While description is needed to create imagery, too much can become boring, For example in you first paragraph:
She had light-black eyes and long brown hair. In her hair was one braid in the back. She was a girl of age sixteen, she was at the age of not believing, she had no friends- which was perfectly fine, for she enjoyed her alone time -she disliked reading because she had no imagination and it bored her, she hated anything artistic and she hated school. There was not much this girl liked, sometimes, when she was in a bad mood, she would write a short poem describing her feelings and then stash it away somewhere she would not go for at least a few months.
There is too much description, all of that could be said in a couple of sentences and would keep the reader interested.
Also in this paragraph: " The other one was the first thing that had terrified Tess in years. He was much taller than her, much taller. He was way older than the girl he was with, he looked around the age of twenty-three. He had mysterious sea-green eyes, long pale-blond and pale-brown hair, and what was strange about him was the black mark under his left eye that looked like a bat wing. He wore a long black cape, he looked like he could have lived in the medieval time period. He had silver and black armor over his shoulders and on his chest. Under the armor he wore a black coat that went down to a little above his knees with a black belt around it. He wore black gloves black pants and black thigh-high boots that looked as heavy as the little girl's boots."
The whole paragraph consists of what the stranger is wearing, and what he looks like. Again this could be done very briefly.
Hope this helps.
Sanita
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sanita200/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/12
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.63 seconds at 11:39am on May 05, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
