Hello Simply-Sarhana, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your poem, "Undo The Love That's Been Done," and thought I would leave some comments.
You are quite right, once we love, we cannot take it back. We can fall out of love.
You poem shows a lot of emothion. However I find it too repetitive. For example:
Burn the memories from my mind,
Burn all that reminds me of her name,
Burn the kisses she left on my lips.
You can say the same thing without repeating the word burn, you will find it reads a lot better.
Hello vamphunter, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just found your poem, "Yesterday." on the Newbie listings and thought I would leave some comments.
I like this, one of my favourite sayings is , "Don't look back, you are not going that way."
You poem shows that when things happen we do not want, there is always a new day and something new to look forward to.
My favourite verse:
I'll start here making it right
A clean slate for a new day
Yesterday, I was defeated
But, then again, that was yesterday
Hello C.L.Snyder, how are you? I have just found your poem, "God In A Hospital Bed," on the random reviews and thought I would leave some comments.
This is a beautiful poem it actually brought a tear to my eyes. Such emotion in your words.
My favourite part are these lines:
and the Creator’s careful hand replacing petals as they fall
Collected, you are spread amongst the stars
and shine for me
as I watch you this last time
shine.
Hello Lauren, I have just read your story, "Quick Love Over The Summer," and thought I would leave some comments.
I am not going to add to your story as you have requested, but you may get some who will.
However, it needs a lot of editing to make any sense of it.
I will give you an example: This part:
She was in her 1 week of summer and already she was bored.The problem was ,was that all her friends were on vacation all over the world.Like her best friend was in mexico drinking Flautas and eating amazing Casadias with salsa and sour cream. MMMMMM. YYYYUUUUMMMM.But she of course was stuck at
Would read better as : Emily was in her first week of summer and already she was bored.The problem was that all her friends were on vacation, all over the world. Her best friend had gone to Mexico enjoying Flautas and amazing Casadias with salsa and sour cream. But of course she was stuck at home.
Also it needs Capital letters at the beginning of each sentence and a separate line each time someone speaks.
Hello Whitemorn, how are you? I found your poem, "Please Help Me, " On the please review page, so here I am.
I really like the moral to this story and even if yuour cowboy had not been rich, it is still good to help one in need.
I like the rhythm and rhyme. However it did lose the rhythm in the second verse.
" While dreaming of such, came a puzzling sight,
A tortoise was wearing a hat, which was white."
I found I stumbled on the second line. The syllable count is fine, but it did seem a little too long to read. Perhaps it is just how it is worded.
Hello Care, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your item, "Stationary Bike," and thought I would leave some comments.
It took a couple of reads before I understood this. I could not work out what the ,"Beep, Beep, Beep… my time is up... " was all about. Then of course it dawned on me. Silly me.
A day dream while on your excersise bike. I think we all go for a little wander, to the past, in our minds at times.
I like this part: "Riding my stationary bike through beautiful meadows of wild flowers – I love flowers, but I hate flowers. They are so fragrant and full of life, but they die," because as we read on we can the significance of those words.
Hello ellenp, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your article, "Joan Rivers Dead At 81," and thought I would leave some comments.
She is a sad loss indeed, although she had a good long life. I did not realise she was that age already. Times flies.
An interesting little article. I am not keen on you refering to her as, "Rivers," it seems a little disrespectful. I know the media do it, but I do not think it very nice. However, that is just my opinion.
Hello Ardyn, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your poem, "Can You Love Me," and thought I would leave some comments.
I enjoyed this little poem. I am not usually fond of non rhyming poems, but this caught my attention.
I like this verse;
I crave to be touched, held and wanted.
Yet, at the same time, I shy away from it.
The gentle touch confuses me.
Should I let you in? Will you walk away?
How long can these stone walls protect me?
I can relate to this and I think many people feel this way.
Hello Anne,how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just found your story, "Misplaced Trust," on the Newbie listings and thought I would leave some comments.
Well, as there is not much written so far, it is hard to give an overall impression of the story. However, I can see it will develop in to some kind of unhappiness in the family when Sara returns.
If you are not ready for reviews yet, you might like to set the item to private till you have written more.
Suggestion: I am finding your sentences are ending when they should not. For example :"She hadn't seen Michael, Robbie, or Janie. Her half brothers and sister since she was 15.
This should read: "She hadn't seen Michael, Robbie or Janie, her half brothers and sister, since she was fifteen."
Hello Betina, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your poem, "Autumn," and thought I would leave some comments.
Usually I do not like Haikus. I like short poems, but I do not understand these. However, I found this one rather nice. A lovely vision of children, perhaps collecting conkers and chasing leaves in the Autumn time.
Hello Passionate, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your poem, "World Of The Young," and thought I would leave some comments.
I notice, in your description, that this is your first try at poetry. Well you did extremely well.
A poem letting children know it is their time and they should be happy and enjoy it.
The first four lines, you kept a steady rhythm, but then your lines became longer and the rhythm lost.
For example, these lines:
Crush the difficulties, spread smile on your face
Accept the challenge, leap over the hurdles of race
You could take out the first parts so you are left with,
spread a smile on your face
leap over hurdles in the race.
Hello Rockman1, how are you? I have just found your story, "Tyler's Lego Museum," on the random reads and thought I would leave some comments.
I think most children are fond of lego and there is so much they can do with it now.
I could understand some of the story, but it is difficult to read, as where you have copied and pasted, it has not come out right on the page. You sentences are not matching up.
Also your first line,
"Some
ware underground in Lego city . ." This should be, "Somewhere underground in Lego city."
I will be happy to read it again once it is edited.
Hello SoaringAurora, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your poem, "Sophie Aeryn," and thought I would leave some comments.
A lovely poem, is this your experience? I think that seems to happen, we try to hard and then we stop thinking about it it happens!
I like the way your poem tells the whole story from marraige to having the baby.
The last verse is lovely:
After five years
I believe in surprises.
Welcome to my life, Sophie Aeryn!
I say.
Hello K.B, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your item, "Airplane Mode," and thought I would leave some comments.
First of all, I am not sure what the title has to do with the story. Perhaps this is revealed in later chapters?
The story so far seems to be about a young man and woman who have met and fell in love. There is nothing wrong with that of course.
However, throughout the story, you have not given the young man a name. The first lines have begun with, "A man who" then through the story you refer to him as" the young man," or, "he." Your character needs a name.
Also you are telling, rather than showing. Some dialogue is needed , perhaps with his work mates and with Dalla .
Hello Calvin, how are you? I have just read your poem, " Poetry," and thought I would leave some comments.
This is a beautiful piece. A lovely way to describe poetry. I love poetry, both reading and writing it.
I loved all the poem but, this line stood out to me ":Is the beauty that exist within the ugly," This is so true anything at all can be made beautiful with a few simple words.
Hello Batesole, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your poem, "Eleven Years," and thought I would leave some comments.
It is always sad to lose a pet and your pet rabbit sounds like he was great fun to have around and of course a friend.
Your poem describes how you feel about your loss, and is well written.
However, I do have a suggestion for the first lines:
Eleven years of age
I first saw you.
I had to bring you home;
It reads as though, the rabbit was eleven years when you first saw him and then in the second verse you say he passed away at eleven years of age. Just my opinion but you could take that first line out and begin with, "When I first you."
Hello Veezy, how are you? I hope you are enjoying your time on WDC. i have just read your item," Love Me Some Me," and thought I would leave some comments.
This is very sound advice indeed. Although, harder to do than say. but, you are right we should let people walk away and be happy with ourselves.
Thank you for sharing.
Sanita
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