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Review Requests: ON
1,098 Public Reviews Given
1,126 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Minimalist. Focus on technical. I also look at how a work would fit into the traditional publishing landscape. I don't use a template. Warning: I am Australian, and so cultural differences may apply.
Favorite Genres
Most, really.
Least Favorite Genres
Fan-fiction
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and essays.
I will not review...
I will not review porn, fan-fiction or pro-religious/OTT-pro-USA essays. No interactives either, please.
Public Reviews
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401
401
Review of Elvis  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I liked this. The set-up, the use of lyrics, the "for a moment" section - it all felt so good and had a positive air about it.

Now, I only review things I like at WdC, and WdC is about helping authors, and with that in mind:
*I review poetry by reading it out loud. This sort of comedy poetry relies on its rhythm to get the rhyming scheme to work. Reading this one, the rhythm was inconsistent and I lost it many times. The syllable count was all over the place. It does detract from the way it sounds.
*Not sure about the ending stanza, and the drinking line. Just didn't sit too well.

But that's just me. Still a fine piece.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
402
402
Review of Pieces  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is an intriguing concept. I've read similar things of anthropomorphisation of inanimate objects before, but I think you've done a really good job here. I especially like the way we feel the knife's despair at what its life has become.

Now, I only review things at WdC I like and WdC is about helping writers, so, in that vein, some comments. Some might feel like nit-picking, but I really did enjoy this piece.
* 1899 - good opening. "...but yet..." should be either "...but..." or "...and yet..." The word "soon" before "thrust" does not fit. Because it is written in present tense (which I normally dislike a lot, but it works well in this story) it does not fit. "...now..." I think fits better.
* 1927 - Cold tale; well done. Using the phrase "...the tip..." twice so close together feels awkward; maybe "...the point..." the second time?
* 1940 - works really well.
* 1972 - this one was the one that didn't do it for me. The boy is too young to have the strength to thrust a knife - an old knife at that - into flesh. It's hard to do. I think if it was a teenaged girl doing this, it would work better.
* 1999 - this was rather poignant and a fine way to finish the piece.

So, yes, well done. Liked it a lot.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
403
403
Review of The Pigeon  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Cool poem. It is one of the few rhyming poems I have read here at WdC where the rhythm was constant throughout. I read poems out loud to give me an idea of how they roll off the tongue, and yours was really good. I liked the topic, I liked the way you put it forth. Very cool.

Having said that, there were one or two forced rhymes (e.g. "no more than a clown"), and some lines felt awkward to say (e.g. "Oh yeah, just look around."). But these are small things in what was a really fun poem.

Well done!

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
404
404
Review of Meant to Excite  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked this poem, a nice job of anthropomorphisation. I didn't get until the end that it was a car (although "inside of me" should have been a huge clue...) and it all feels nicely formed.

Now, I only review things I like at WdC and I really liked this. I would normally list the things I think need work about here, but there is only one detail that sticks out to me.

As a rhyming poem, it lends itself to a steady rhythm so the rhyming scheme works. When I review poetry, I tend to read it out loud, which helps me get a feel for that sense of rhythm. In this poem, there were a few lines that had a few too many syllables to allow that rhythm to be there consistently (and one with not enough syllables). Some tweaking with this and, to my mind, it would be brilliant.

Good luck going forwards!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
405
405
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
A nice bit of memoir. Riding horses is something that is rather exhilarating (although I did spend one summer learning to fall from a horse...) and I think you captured some of the joy you felt on the animals.

The opening paragraph was an excellent set-up for the rest of the tale - the dream of a little girl then made reality.

However, I wanted more of the feelings you had - the sensations, what was going through your mind, the comparison to the dream-ride - to capture some of that exhilaration. About the only time we had a hint of sensations was the saddle sores and bath water.

Technically, the story was very good, but some (not all) of the ellipses felt out of place and would have been better with em-dashes.

So, a good tale, the sort of thing that could easily be sold with the right market. Reader's Digest and the like, some of the magazines for younger readers, memoir magazines... I think they might give this a go.

Nicely done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
406
406
Review of Spinning Top  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting story. The tale of a memento being the source of a haunting is an old one, yet it is good to see the old tropes used.

Now, I only review things I like at WdC, so, with that in mind:
* The clock "thrummed"? That does not seem right - a long humming sound. If it was that loud, then the clock would be electric and something would be wrong with it. Did not feel right, and so, right from the word go, I was taken out of the story.
* You have some nice turns of phrase in the opening section, but I would avoid the word "ghostly" as giving away something to come.
* Some commas and apostrophes missing.
* The dialogue of the grandmother being split over three paragraphs made it feel like three different (or 2 different) speakers. It would have been fine in one para. Also be careful of verb tense when talking about memories - pluperfect would be best here.
* How did grandma know what it was like when he was 11? That is one long courtship!
* The feelings when the narrator tried to stop the top were very much a "tell"; "show" could have really upped the eeriness.
* The mention of the clock in the ending felt forced and made no sense. The grandfather's ghost thing was sort of implied. Yeah, not keen on the way it was ended.

This sounds negative, but it is not meant to be, as I can see this working as a nice little horror tale. Some word count extension, some judicious editing and a but more show not tell, and you might even be able to sell it. I know I would have been interested in a revised form of this when I was working as an editor.

Good luck going forth.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
407
407
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Not a bad story with an interesting denouement leading into a fantasy realm. I also liked the way you used his Welsh name, and not the English version we are bombarded with.

Now, I only review things at WdC I like, and so, with that in mind:
Technically:
*There are a few misused and missing pieces of punctuation.
*There are a number of missing capital letters (especially in direct speech).
*A few words are repeated close to one another, giving the writing an odd feel.
Story-wise:
*The tea-drinking was important, but it felt over-done.
*The cat is called 'Tabby', then was "black". Or is this a different cat? It felt like the same one.

But I did like the idea of awakening an old life, a past life into the present. It almost felt like a prologue, ready for something grander.

Nicely done story.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
408
408
Review of Nosedive No More  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
As a tale for children, I think this could work quite well. I was a teacher for many years, and it certainly shows perseverance as a positive attribute, along with helping others and not judging people by their mistakes. All important lessons. It is readable and easy to get through without brow-beating any messages. All great for younger readers.

Now, WdC is about helping writers, and I only review works I like, so with that in mind:

* There is a bit of tense jumping at the start. Children's books are nearly always written in past tense as children make better sense of stories as past events.

* There are a lot of places where you change the central point of view mid-sentence, which makes for some awkward sounding passages and double meanings.

* On a presentation point, this is very inconsistent with paragraph separation. Some places it is double spaced, but others - especially where direct speech is involved - is single spaced. And some cases it was triple spaced. That needs to be fixed. Also, there were a few times where separation of speakers within paragraphs was not done. Finally, headings need to stand out more than being centred.

* On a technical level, apart from the direct speech, I think I found maybe 2 misplaced commas, and that was about it. Very well done, and something I do not see often enough at WdC!

* For submission purposes, nearly every publisher wants it done by Shunn. Do a Google search and see how that formatting looks.

Now, reading through this, it seems very negative, and I apologise for that. The thing is, the story is a strong one, the writing is generally very good and the technicalities of writing are also done well, and I think this could work as a book for confident young readers. But before submitting, I would really have an editor give it a good going over; make it as perfect as possible.

Just as a FYI, I have a children's book with Scholastic at the moment, accepted and ready for publication. We are just waiting on the artist to finish the illustrations, but COVID has slowed everything down. Just so you know I am not coming at this as just a former teacher and member of WdC.

Good luck going forward!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
409
409
Review of Depression  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, that was quite the outpouring of emotion! I was not diagnosed until I was 42, but I can still relate to your feelings...

Now, WdC is about helping writers, and I only review things I like, and so, in that vein:
* watch the punctuation use. Some of it is misplaced and changes the meaning.
* there are times when the way you put things forth go against the sentiment you are saying. e.g.:
         And start a new life....I want to be happy.
         I don't want to be sad and miserable anymore.
         Yet, I'm the one that never tried to get better.
The last line blames you when the preceding lines are saying you want to get better and are getting better. The negativity stands out and does not quite fit there.
* Extra words take away from the impact of some sentiments. e.g.:
         And that's why I began self-harming in the first place.
"in the first place" detracts from the strong emotion.

I think a slow and careful go over with some-one who is non-judgemental of you as a person or writer (maybe even some-one who does not really know you) would really help clean this up.

But, like I said, I like it. The honesty is refreshing and the emotions are real; I know this because I felt the same way when I was a teenager.
Really well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
410
410
Review of Saturday  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice juxtaposition of the two situations through the use of poetry. Well put down, and using your English location makes it feel more personal (even if not autobiographical, it just adds to the locale nicely).

Now, I only review things I like here at WdC and WdC is about helping others, so, in that vein:
* There definitely felt like a rhyme was being gone for here, but some rhymes felt forced.
* I review poetry by reading it out loud to myself. Because the rhyme demands a rhythm, the syllable count threw me and I struggled to get some parts to sound natural.
* I like the way the lines in the lockdown section are longer with more syllables to them, as this gives a definite feeling of being stuck and the shorter lines in the first part are a good indication of doing.

Of course, it is your work, so feel free to ignore me completely.
Still, nicely done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
411
411
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
I always enjoy a story with a good twist in the tale/tail. I did not see the ending coming, so you did amazingly well with this one. Bravo!

Now, I only review things I like at WdC, and in the vein of helping another author out, you asked some questions.

First - no, there are not too many descriptions. Just about right, I'd say.

Next - the main character feels a little all over the place. He loves his wife, but is ready to think the worst of her? There needs to be more motivation than that. Angela also feels very two-dimensional. She is a crying stereotype.

Then - the crime is too perfect and too easy. There should be some sort of hurdle to overcome, to make the stakes that little more desperate.

Finally - technically. A few mis-used punctuation and capital letters. This is especially the case in the direct speech. It does need a good, thorough functional edit. There are too many to go through in one review. Sorry.

But the story itself is really well done. You build nicely to the murder, then the final denouement is just a juicy piece of irony. I do enjoy the story as a whole.

Good luck going forward!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
412
412
Review of Childhood obesity  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was an intriguing look at teaching prep and personal reflection in what is an incredibly complex issue.

The way you set out the plan, your referencing, the technical aspect - all was spot on, so well done.

Three things, however.

The first is presentation. There needs to be a separation between sections, the sub-headings should be bolded and a paragraph indent of some sort to separate paragraphs better would also help. As it stands, it is blank text and that does make it hard for the eyes to focus.

Second, I would like to have a more detailed run-down of what you taught, the topics covered, maybe even sub-topics. I wanted to know more, I guess.

Third is a bit more personal. I am a former teacher and worked as a student counsellor for a while. For example, things like better parks for kids do not work because of parental fears. Parents feel safer with their children in home on social media. A lot of childhood obesity can be traced back to parenting, I'm afraid. I no longer have my teaching notes on this so cannot give you the references, but childhood obesity needs to be tackled by addressing parents and grandparents. At least, in my experience. Of course, Australia could be different to your country.

But that is by the by. For what this is, as a piece of writing, it is very well done.

Good luck going forward!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
413
413
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
I was not sure what to expect reading this, but it struck a chord in me that I was not prepared for. The situation of the current unrest taken from the point of view of "A white woman" was a take on the situation I was not expecting. Considering what women are also going through in the world and trying to speak up, it comes across as solidarity.

The way you put across your thoughts was very well done. And, yes, I did understand the title: Strange Fruit is one of the most depressing songs every written, the fruit being lynched men hanging from trees, so as to your concerns about the title: I like it.

The thing is, I am a white middle-aged male who lives in Australia - removed by many factors from what is going on - and yet your poem made sense to me and spoke to me in a way that was not demeaning or preachy.

Now, I only review things I like here at WdC and in the vein of helping another writer:
* The opening stanza "Mam" should technically be "Ma'am". Sorry, picky.
* The rhyming scheme got me. I review poetry by reading it out loud and the rhyming scheme felt a little over the place. It did throw me off my rhythm. On the same note, the syllable count also threw me. I do understand it could be free verse, but the rhymes made that feel uncomfortable for me as well. It was like it was stuck in the middle between a set form and free verse.
* The Marvin Gaye quote at the end felt superfluous. You didn't need it - your thoughts are good enough and you do not need to be supported by some-one else.

So, great piece. Well done. And good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
414
414
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
Okay, I am an Atheist, and thought I'd give this a go. I have also studied the Bible (read it cover to cover more than once), and studied Latin at high school and first year university (many years ago). Your arguments are very well thought out and supported nicely by other Biblical references and by classical language. I think the only logical flaw I found in your argument was mentioning urbs; I think Paul in Rev, was more looking at it as Roma is a feminine name, the name of the city as well as the personification of the city.

On a technical side, your set-out of arguments was clear. The punctuation, grammar and language were pretty much spot-on. I think the only technical things I would look at is you have too much paragraph separation. There are a few places where you split into more than one para where the ideas would work in one. It makes it feel a little disjointed, that's all.

So, coming from one who does not believe, I will say: well done. You have put forth a compelling argument about modesty, and relating it to wealth. Nicely done, and a well thought-out and presented piece.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
415
415
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is an interesting look at the juxtaposition of old medical practices against the new. It really makes it stark in few words.

Technically, I could find no errors. Good job.

Now, WdC is about helping authors, and with that in mind:
* the repetition of "wee hours of this icy morning" is redundant and draws the reader out.
* the jump to the past is only indicated by an extra carriage return; a scene separator, I feel, would work better.
* it feels like the ending is missing. It feels like it needs 'something' to finish it off.

But a good piece. Well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
416
416
Review of Crafting you.  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
You asked for some feedback.

For a short poem, it did establish what your intentions are. The ambiguity of just who you are creating is a nice touch.

Now, WdC is about helping writers, and I only review things I like, so, with that in mind:
* The opening two lines don't work. Unless you are a mute with no hands (sign language is a legitimate language), you can talk. I'd suggest you pick another art. Draw, sculpt, sing.
* "with layer on layer" read oddly; "layer upon layer" feels better (no "with", "upon" to "on")
* You've mentioned a brush-stroke in the last stanza, calling back to the painting, but have not called back to the building allusion

Still, a nice little poem. Well done.
Keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
417
417
Review of Normal  
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow. This is a well-written and stunning tale. I am 11 years sober, for what it's worth, so I understand a little, though my childhood was not as bleak.

There is very little I could tell you to improve this. Technically it was pretty much spot on. "I had made several countries..." however does read awkwardly.

What I would have liked would have been some more detail of how other people reacted and responded to you. While I realise this is focusing on you, the harm done to others needs to be acknowledged. And your decision to stop seemed to come out of nowhere. A little more build-up to it and that tipping point of epiphany needs to be there, I feel.

know the point might be something minor, but I think it should be there to give the reader an idea of your mental state.

Still, this is amazingly well done and honest and open. Nice work.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
418
418
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Your intentions are good and really strong, and it is clear you mean what you say about your subjects. That is something to be admired. There is a lot at the start of the poem that can be worked on really well.

Now, WdC is about helping writers, and I only review works I like, so, in that vein:

* Watch praise for Gandhi considering some of the things he did, and the racism he expounded.
* Martin Luther King is not a knight (a sir) - only members of the British Commonwealth can be knights.
* The slave trade is not "off", not even in the USA - it has been lessened and it is no longer legal.
Okay, getting away from the facts...
* The rhythm was a little inconsistent at the end. The start had a great, powerful sense of tone with the long lines; the ending felt like it petered off a little.
* "pierced to" should be "pierced by"
* "the brutal forces were all ganged up" does not need "were" - that makes it passive, as though they were gathered by external forces

Look, this seems quite negative, and I don't mean for it to be like that. Like I said, I only review things I like and this has the beginnings of something that would make an incredibly powerful performance poem, like a Kate Tempest styled poem. But you do need to fact-check and the poem things I mentioned are just my opinion as a fellow writer.

Well done and keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
419
419
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
That's a pretty powerful piece. Your description has a nice touch of reality about it. I could picture a lot of it (despite there being very few apartments in my part of the world).

However, WDC is about helping other writers. I also only review works I like. So, in that vein:

There are a few misplaced pieces of punctuation and some run-on sentences that confuse the narrative. A good functional edit should clean these up nicely.

If you are looking at trying to sell this somewhere, don't use the capital letters - use italics instead.

I would also increase the amount of description of how you felt personally about the place, the brothers you focused on and the older brother's ending. Some more of you will help beef this up a little and make it even more personal.

Still, well done.
Good writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
420
420
Review of Anger  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice little poem here. Says what it means, does not rely on metaphors too heavily and has a consistent rhyming pattern.

However, WDC is about helping other writers and I only review things I like, so with that in mind:

The rhythm is off. Say this out loud (or, better yet, get some-one else to read it to you) and you will hear it. This comes down to an inconsistent syllable pattern throughout the poem. Based on the way it feels and the way it bounces, I'd say a 9-syllable line would work.

In that regard, the first two lines of the second stanza do not quite fit. Every other line ends with rhymes on long vowel sounds; these two are short vowel sounds, and that makes it jar.

Finally, the opening two lines don't quite work in relation to the rest of the poem. Suggestion (and that's all this is):
"Anger courses its way down our halls
Internet pushing it through the walls"
Or something to that effect.

Anyway, this is a good poem, and these are just one person's thoughts. Well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
421
421
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
That was an interesting look at a disaster through the eyes of one family, which is (in my opinion) often the most effective way of telling the bigger tales.

Now, WDC is about helping writers, and, further, I only review works I actually like, and with that in mind, here are some things I noticed:

Technically, the punctuation was generally fine (one or two mistakes), there were some misused capital letters, at least one misused verb tense. Just needs a quick functional edit by a set of outside eyes, I think, and these could be fixed.

There were also some interesting word uses. Constant repetition of some words (ladder, water, etc.) gave it the feel of a work designed for a younger audience. And the word "shotty" feels like a typo ('o' used instead of 'i'); I think the word you're looking for is "shoddy", which means poorly done (sharing an etymological basis with the word "shoe", interestingly enough).

But the biggest thing is the pacing. This is a tense situation. Show the reader how they are feeling as they are making their way into the roof. Increase the feeling of danger from this rising water. And then when they have to go onto the roof, that should also have a greater element of danger. Slow it down a little, Add more thoughts and feelings, and show through their actions and expressions what they are all going through. Really up the ante.

Finally, you keep hinting at their Faith. Make is a little more central to their actions. Have little prayers being said. And (in that vein) get rid of the word "Hell".

Sorry, it looks like I am being overly critical, but I can see a lot of potential here for this to be a saleable work.

Nicely done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
422
422
Review of The Moment I Knew  
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow, quite the piece.

Nicely done, and it felt very real.

There is very little I can tell you, but one part did stick out and felt like it didn't fit: "my lungs filled..." I think I know what you were going for here, but it didn't quite connect.

One thing, that was all. Everything else - technical, character, everything - was really nicely done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
423
423
Review of Twitch...  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a decent over-view of your struggles and the way you cope and live with epilepsy.

However, I feel there is so much more potential here. This could se easily be a great skeleton for a full-length essay on Epilepsy which, given the right timing, could be potentially sale-able to a journal or contest.

I could do a break-down of how I would go about it, but that is up to you. Here is an example. Paragraph 1 - describe yourself and your life (how you look, what you do, what you like, etc) without mentioning epilepsy until the very last sentence. This shows that people with epilepsy are normal. Paragraph 2 - talk about the other family members with it. Paragraph 3 - describe how you see the world differently. I would also maybe even put in a paragraph describing how a seizure affects you, be it gran mal or petite mal (I have taught a number of people with epilepsy, and have witnessed several seizures).

As it is, for this piece, there were a few missing pieces of punctuation, it could have been paragraphed to make it easier to read and check your statistics. You will need to be able to back up your deaths claim via an independent, peer-reviewed source.

Now, having said all that, I only review things on WDC that I actually like. Well done, and I hope you can keep this going to make it into something that could help educate and help a lot of people.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
424
424
Review of Who Was He?  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
An intriguing tale. Quite interesting and it has a hint of the unexplained about it.

Now, WDC is designed to help writers, and in that vein:

Technically, your punctuation was really good. You only misused one me instead of using "I" (2nd to last paragraph). There were a couple of places where words were missing (4th para stands out). But the biggest technical issue was tense. Your verb tenses were all over the place. As it is a memoir, it should be all in the past tense.

As to the story itself, you could build the tension a little more and really heighten the eeriness of it all. There are points where this feels like the case, but it disappears quickly.

It feels like a large leap to go to this man being a guardian angel. I would explain how you came to that conclusion a little deeper. I do understand it is your faith, but to engage all readers, some explanation as to how you reached that idea (a sentence, two at the most) would help.

Also the concluding para feels tacked on. I don't think it is needed. I would reduce it all down to a simple: "I think this has taught me one simple lesson - Nothing is always what it seems." (or …"as it seems." Not "...what as it seems.") But one sentence would suffice. I think.

Anyway, well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
425
425
Review of Happy?  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
This was an interesting and quite honest look at the life of a person with the need for single companionship. It is a part of being an introvert and can be very debilitating, and you have put that across reasonably well.

However, WDC is about helping authors, and in that vein:

There are a few examples of misused and missing punctuation. And there are a number of issues with verb tense. It should all be past tense, as it is essentially a memoir. This will need a good edit.

However, what it needs is a little more of your actual inner-most feelings. Show us how you were feeling; describe what you did, what your body was going through, what was running through your mind, Make it more personal to you. Really draw the reader in to you as the main character. Some of these things just happen; we need to get to know you better in these incidents.

Well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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