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Review Requests: ON
1,077 Public Reviews Given
1,104 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Minimalist. Focus on technical. I also look at how a work would fit into the traditional publishing landscape. I don't use a template. Warning: I am Australian, and so cultural differences may apply.
Favorite Genres
Most, really.
Least Favorite Genres
Fan-fiction
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and essays.
I will not review...
I will not review porn, fan-fiction or pro-religious/OTT-pro-USA essays. No interactives either, please.
Public Reviews
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326
326
Review of "The Aristocrats"  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Okay, I liked this one. A comedian going to 'The Aristocrats' in a moment of panic is something I have yet to see after more than 30 years of going to gigs and open mic nights, but I could imagine it, and could imagine an audience being stunned into silence.

Okay, two things, though. There needs to be work on punctuation. Missing commas, direct speech punctuation - it needs polishing.

Second, you head hop. You go from Emmie to Sean to Emmie. Especally in flash fiction, you need to stick with one person's POV (using limited 3rd person) if not using omniscient 3rd person. It is not a difficult fix - as Sean had rehearsed this with Emmie earlier, have it be her thoughts describing seeing him lose it, going off-script, instead of it coming from Sean.

Still, I liked the story, and you told a good one with the limited word count of flash.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
327
327
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is very well thought out and very well presented.

There is nothing really for me to say that could improve it - technically, the set-out as an opinion-piece (op-ed), everything was spot on.

I do think, considering the amount of space you gave combatting alleged voter fraud, that some situations you could also have gone into with a bit more detail, but that is a minor thing in the grand scheme of things.

Excellently done. I'd vote for you (yes, even in Australia we have these same issues).


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
328
328
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
An interesting story. I am guessing Dr Who? I mean, I could be wrong, but that was a very strong impression.

I don't normally review fan-fiction works, but this one struck a chord with me. You have put some real emotion into the words and situations used, which comes across well.

Now, some issues. First, you need to look at how you punctuate direct speech. Commas, capitals, quotation marks, etc. were all over the place. Also, there were tense shifts which just served to confuse. Find a copy of White & Strunk Elements Of Style to help is my recommendation.

Next, the opening paragraph had the word "room" appears four times in the first three sentences, "hospital" appears twice near the beginning, and "sat" twice at the end. The repetition is not needed, and it detracts from the narrative. These echo words tell the reader you don't trust them to get your story. Sometimes there are reasons for repetition, but this is not one of those times.

Now, I only review things I like, and I did like this, but you really do need to work on some of the technicalities of writing.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
329
329
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is an interesting essay.

Technically, it is fine. A few errant commas and capital letters, and sentence fragments, but that was about it. Nothing a good clean edit won't fix.

I am going to look at this from a purely essay point of view. Your points, your conclusions, etc. are not what I am going to look at, neither the content.

My biggest issue is your opening line.

You are stating an opinion as a fact to open your essay. You entire opening paragraph is an opinion. And that is fine, but in an essay you need to put forth facts that cannot be disputed. Your opening paragraph can be disputed. You need to find a way to word this so as to be less divisive from the word go, because an essay will put people off if it states something like this.

That was my biggest issue. Once you got into the meat of the argument you backed up your opinions reasonably well without offering much in the way of evidence.

If you can tighten up the wording of the opening paragraph, I think this will be more accessible to more readers.

(I only review things I like or appreciate, so I do not hate this... and this coming from an old atheist.)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
330
330
Review of Spacewalk  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
An interesting retelling of the Major Tom scenario, albeit a reluctant Major Tom.

I liked the story and the way you built up the tension in the arc before the ending came and gave a semi-cathartic, tragic release.

Technically, this story was well done, but there were a couple of points where echo words existed.

A phrase like "I guess I should have used the MMU like you suggested, Jim. That nitrogen jet-pack would have come in real handy right about now." is telling the audience and feels odd. They would not use the second sentence; it is there for the reader and takes some-one out of the immersion. That second sentence would have been understood by the characters.

You also have points where you tell us something in text then the characters say the same thing.

One last little thing - I thought all astronauts nowadays used the metric system? I could be wrong, of course...

Anyway, I only review things I like here at WdC and this was a tense little tale of death. Nicely done.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
331
331
Review of One day  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
An interesting and reflective piece. I'm not going to assume it is based on your reality, but know that it does reflect mine.

Now, I only review things I like here at WdC, so, with that in mind:

The only technical error I found was a missing capital (your snores...), so it was very clean.

The phrase "...those two mongrels for cats" felt jarring. There is something not quite right about the word usage.

That line about the $11000 came out of nowhere and did harm the flow of the piece.

I can tell you were happy with the line "...even selflessness has some component of selfishness" but it does not quite fit in here, because the idea of selflessness came out of nowhere and does not fit the rest of the story which, by its nature is a selfish reminiscence.

One last thing: with each new paragraph either use an indent or a double return to make it more obvious where the paragraphs go.

I know this might feel negative, but the whole was very good. The description of changing hair colour and the line of the nose painted a strong word picture. And I felt the narrator was truly missing the person.

So, yes, I liked it.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
332
332
Review of Coven  
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
An interesting erotica/horror story. Don;t see a lot of these here that keep the sexual aspect muted like this.

Technically it was quite good; I think there might have been a couple of times when I questioned use of commas, but that could also be a personal thing.

As to the story, it went along quite well, and I really liked the ending where the "bad" aspect won, killing the friend.

As a Latin scholar, though, I question the translation of Latin you have used, and why would Hecate - a Greek goddess - be in a Latin (Roman) prayer? Technically, the Romans did not have an equivalent goddess, so I probably would have gone the ancient Greek route for the language.

But that is a minor quibble. Good little tale here, with an ending I really liked.

Good luck going forward!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
333
333
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
Not much to say here. Nicely done, good sense of eerieness, and the perfect denouement. Because I chose not to read the prompt untiil after I read it, so it wasn't spoilt for me, but it also fits the prompt perfectly.

Technically, I found no mistakes.

So, excellent work!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
334
334
Review of Flesh  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
An interesting look at freedom taken to an extreme.

I only review works I like, so with that in mind:

* You need to look at your punctuation of direct speech. Fullstops instead of commas used throughout. Also, standard nowadays is for double quotation marks, but I do understand some people use single and this is taught in schools still in some places. However, if looking to publish in the future, remember, double is industry standard for fiction.

*...their light in...uncharted... a most.......fog, broke into applause made no sense. The ellipses, the unfinished thoughts, it is confusing.

* Your use of language is archaic (e.g. the inquired reasoned). Again, not wrong, but might limit the audience it could gain, and it does cloud some of your meaning.

* There is a lot of tell here. You need to show us more. Especially at the end. Describe the sight that confronts everyone when the dish is revealed before the final denouement.

Still, a good piece of flash fiction overall with an interesting idea behind it.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
335
335
Review of HERO  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A good story, a nice cute-meet romance set-up, using a fire quite well to put forth the budding romance.

Now, I only review works I like, so, in that vein:
* The name of the firefighter changes from Davison to Davidson.
* The punctuation is all over the place. It flows in and out of being correct, especially when it comes to direct speech. This needs a really good edit.
* The next morning, if he had hit his head and so would be under some sort of concussion protocol, there is no way a hospital would have let him sort out things with his mother that quick.
* The use of present tense in this story does not work all that well.

But the biggest thing is you tell way too much of this story instead of showing us. For example, you wrote, "... as his shoulder becomes dislocated." Show us. "...as he felt the grinding of the bones in his shoulder. The pain ran from the joint up into his jaw and the base of his skull even as the feeling in his hands became vague and clouded. The bones moved again and a 'click' came to his ear; at the same time he felt the shoulder move out of its joint, the deep pain of a tearing ligament turning the pain into a blinding agony." Okay, it's not great and it's rushed, but here we have shown the reader what is happening to his shoulder, and the reader gets more of a sense of the danger involved.

Anyway, like I said, it was an interesting story and well put together, and the characters were both quite likeable throughout.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
336
336
Review of Flexibility  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
It's a shame this was limited by the "express it in 8" restrictions because it felt like it was just lacking a punchline stanza. It felt unfinished.

Apart from that, this is great, and something I can relate to oh so much, having recently (at age 50+) gone back into a wrestling ring...

Sorry I can't add much more. Nicely done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
337
337
Review of STAR OF THE SHOW  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is such a sweet look back at your mother. She seems like she was one of those mums who just knew how to deal with children, and people in general. The memories feel so good and I couldn't help but smile as I read this.

Now, I only review things I like, so with that in mind:
* The S – W – O – O – P feels out of place, especially in the context of the rest of the writing style.
* I'm thinking impace should be impact.
* While it felt disjointed, jumping around a bit, which is the way memories work, I know, the RWE quote really came sort of out of nowhere.

But those are about it. This was a fun memoir. Thankyou for sharing it with us.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
338
338
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is an intriguing beginning for a longer work. Hannah feels like she doesn't want to be there and the way you described her "fading" was well done.

Now, I only review things I like, so in that vein:
* On the technical side, there are a few grammatical errors. Not many, but enough to be noticeable. Misused punctuation, subtle changes in tense, things like that. Also, watch what you use an ellipsis for, as opposed to an em-dash; one is for fading, one is for stopping suddenly or being cut off. It does need a good clean edit.
* There is a lot of tell, not a lot of show. The opening paragraph is scene setting, so that’s okay, but we are then just told things.
         I would have started with the phone call, and use that to drip-feed the information about the wedding, Jill’s disregard of her friend, etc. But also, we can then get a better idea of how Hannah is feeling. We see no body language, get no sense of her inner feelings beyond what we are told. Hannah as a character is a little blank, and what she does holds little interest because of this.
* I am not sure a Greek would say “faded out”. Greek is a language of not many verb modifiers, and so maybe “went away, then came back” would be something a native Greek speaker would use, as these are simple English words.

This does sound negative, and I apologise, but there is definitely a nice beginning here. There is a good set-up, and the fading, like I said, was well done. We just need more show and less tell is all.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
339
339
Review of Hollow  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
An interesting poem. I like the way you want people to get their own interpretation from it.

A couple of small things.

"I drift gently like a surfer riding waves" I think this would work better as a metaphor instead of a simile because you continue the imagery as the poem goes, so I would suggest getting rid of "like" - "I drift gently, a surfer riding waves"

"But something tugs at me
Something pulls me away from my dreamlike state"
The repetition of the word "something" feels like it doesn't belong, as it does not add anything to the poem - "something" is not a key word or concept.
I'd go:
"But something tugs at me
Pulling me away from my dreamlike state"
And "away from" is not the usual term used here - "out of" is more common, but that is more a personal thing than anything with poetic technicalities.

Anyway, good poem.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
340
340
Review of The young girl  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
The story here is a strong one - a girl being sold at auction. There is a sense of depression about the piece that really adds to it.

However, there are a lot of errors here. Punctuation errors abound, and direct speech rules are broken (new paragraph for a new speaker, capital letters, etc.). There are phrases and words that do not work, and some extra words are thrown in that are confusing.

For example, you wrote:
         The young girls don't know if its day or night.
How many girls? We're only with one. It should be:
         The young girl doesn't known if it's day or night.
Note the use of the apostrophe.

You also tell us a lot of things instead of showing us. You tell us she doesn't cry out when her hair is being combed, instead of showing us her expression, her body's reactions, the woman doing the cleaning's responses. We are just told. We need more to feel sympathy for the character but we are removed.

There are also a lot of sentence fragments, but I would let them go, as they do help with the tension in the piece.

So, at its core, this story is a strong one, and there is a decent atmosphere, but it really does need a proper edit.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
341
341
Review of Revenge Feeding  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A nice take on the Voodoo motif, with the revenge being very personal. The way Samantha reacted to gaining weight was interesting and I think you did a good job of indicating how she felt her life was suddenly spiralling out of control.

Now, technically, there were some issues. The opening chapter jumps from present to past tense and is an info dump, a lot of the information not being relevant later on (e.g. eye colour). It did draw me out of the story.

Also the language was very simplistic and the sentence structure rarely varied. To engage a reader, there should be a number of different sentence structures throughout.

As to story beats - a school nurse would never give medication beyond paracetemol or something pre-prescribed and on file. And no medical professional would ever not tell all side effects nowadays with litigiousness wide-spread; they definitely would not just wave them off. Also, talking with the doll felt odd. I think it would have been more effective if the voice was just in Hanna's head. And surely the other students would have made fun of her even having a doll? I mean, they were nasty in every other way.

This does sound negative, and I apologise, but I do think there is a good story in here, and your character study of Samantha works well.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
342
342
Review of The Concert  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a nice piece of flash fiction, telling a whole story in a very few words. The idea of a relationship starting this way is very pleasant.

One technical thing, there are a few issues with punctuation in your direct speech that just need some tightening up.

While I know it is flash fiction and the word counts are very restrictive, I was a little confused as to what was happening when they were changing spots in the line. This random stranger helps the girls? Why? That didn't really click with me.

Apart from that, good use of the flash fiction length.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
343
343
Review of Predator and Prey  
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
The story, once we got to it, was a really strong one. Ellie being tied up, the bear, the escape, the captor coming back, the bear getting her revenge for her - well done. There were some good passages of genuine terror in there, the use of prayers and nursery rhymes throughout was well-done and really suited the age of Ellie.

However, the story starts in present tense and then went into past tense. This was jarring and made it feel disjointed. The story could have started at "Thirty-six-year-old Eddie Burton tossed another log..." becaue everything else you mentioned before is either irrelevant or is mentioned in the dialogue later on anyway. That whole opening felt like an info dump and would turn off a reader.

Likewise, the very last paragraph, the single line that starts "Did she run..." is not needed. If it's open-ended, then all you need is: "...opening and dropped into the snowbank below and ran." Just those two words.

On a technical side, there were very few errors, but you do use a lot of the same sentence contructs: Doing something, the person did something else. That clause construct is everywhere. It would help to vary the sentence structure.

But, like I said, the acctual meat if the story is very well done.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
344
344
Review of Predator and Prey  
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
The story, once we got to it, was a really strong one. Ellie being tied up, the bear, the escape, the captor coming back, the bear getting her revenge for her - well done. There were some good passages of genuine terror in there, the use of prayers and nursery rhymes throughout was well-done and really suited the age of Ellie.

However, the story starts in present tense and then went into past tense. This was jarring and made it feel disjointed. The story could have started at "Thirty-six-year-old Eddie Burton tossed another log..." becaue everything else you mentioned before is either irrelevant or is mentioned in the dialogue later on anyway. That whole opening felt like an info dump and would turn off a reader.

Likewise, the very last paragraph, the single line that starts "Did she run..." is not needed. If it's open-ended, then all you need is: "...opening and dropped into the snowbank below and ran[/b}." Just those two words.

On a techniccal side, there were very feew errors, but you do use a lot of the same sentince contructs: Doing something, the person did something else. That clause construct is everywhere. It would help to vary the sentence structure.

But, like I said, the acctual meat if the story is very well done.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
345
345
Review of Being Kirk  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is an interesting take on the conversation with William Shatner, and definitely the best I've read here (there's been a few). You have captured a nice interview scenario, with a respectful interviewer and pleasant subject, showing some nice knowledge of the lore of the series.

However, there are two things.

First, there is no difference between the voices of the two participants in the conversation. They sound exactly the same. I feel there should by a point of differentiation between language or something like that.

Second, Shatner was notoriously cantankerous/egotistical, especially after the first season of Star Trek, and so, to me, this did not feel like Shatner himself.

However, like I said, best Shatner dialogue I've read here at WdC.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
346
346
Review of Displacement  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was a really strong piece. Selkies are such a fascinating source of story-beats, and you have used it so well, not giving the reveal straight away.

I think my only issue with the story was to do with the father. The letter he left reads in the same tone and style as the rest of the story, not as something separate, apart from its italics. The language and writing style should be different from that of the first person narrator. Also, finding it really did seem to be a greater matter of chance than would give an expectation of it being found. Maybe in the back corner of a wardrobe would make more sense. She still would not have found it until the father died.

"It was no wonder my father was glad to see me go." This seemed to come out of nowhere; I think more could have been made of the father being more aloof and distant earlier, especially as you said earlier, "We continued on just as we had before."

The ending also felt rather abrupt, but I am putting that down to a word count issue.

But, all up, this was a very good tale, and I think the prompt is handled really well here.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
347
347
Review of Close Encounter  
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellent use of the dialogue only format. I think you had the frustration of Shatner down.

My only two comments would be the excitement of the fan felt muted, like it was dialled back. Second, the title gave away the twist ending somewhat, so I sort of knew who this fan actually was.

But they are minor quibbles. No errors otherwise and a fun little story.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
348
348
Review of Super  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Okay, you got me. I thought this was an X-Men fanfic, and suddenly it was twisted, and then twisted again against our POV character.

This was really well done. I cannot offer anything to improve it; sorry. Technically and story-wise it hit all the beats.

Excellent.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
349
349
Review of The New Year  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
The idea behind this poem is a strong one, looking back and looking forward at a new year.

Quick note - tomorrow is the correct spelling of the word.

Okay, when I read a poem, I do it out loud.

With the attempted rhyming scheme of the poem (second-to-last stanza does not quite work in that regard), reading it feels a little awkward as the syllable inconsistency makes it hard to get a flow into the rhymes. It does feel like this could be the first draft of a strong aaa-bbb-ccc-ddd-eee rhyming poem.

However, it still works at the moment. I just personbally feel (and this is my opinion) it could be tightened up.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
350
350
Review of Addicted to ABBA  
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
Okay, I really liked this. The sentiments are some that I can relate to (I recently reviewed the new ABBA album positively) and it makes perfect sense.

As a poem, spot on. adcb rhyming scheme throughout, 8-6-8-6 syllable count without fail - top stuff for a nonsense poem that deserves to be read out loud. One two of the syllable lengths did not quite work, but I think with a few readings out loud, you'll find them and they'll be easy to fix.

One of the better poems of this sort I have read here on WdC, so - really well done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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