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Review Requests: ON
1,158 Public Reviews Given
1,186 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Minimalist. Focus on technical. I also look at how a work would fit into the traditional publishing landscape. I don't use a template. Warning: I am Australian, and so cultural differences may apply.
Favorite Genres
Most, really.
Least Favorite Genres
Fan-fiction
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and essays.
I will not review...
I will not review porn, fan-fiction or pro-religious/OTT-pro-USA essays. No interactives either, please.
Public Reviews
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476
476
Review of For Laura  
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow.

That is a very poignant piece, quite strong and heart-felt. As some-one who is currently on the other side - having people not sure what to say to me - it would be an interesting super-power for others to have.

Now, I would normally put some sort of critique in here as well, to help, but technically I could find nothing wrong, and its sentiments are expressed brilliantly. Well done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
477
477
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is not the sort of poem I normally like, but yours really struck me.


I think this is because I can relate to it. Swap the genders of the people involved, and that's me and the girl who friend-zoned me 30 years ago. Maybe that's why I like it - it resonates. And for a poem to be able to resonate across such a time frame is a mark of a good piece.


I normally try to include some constructive criticism, but the only things I would change would be the way it is set out - the words are as close to perfect as possible.


Excellent work.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
478
478
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
I quite enjoy autobiographical, slice of life poetry, and yours told a story too many of us can relate to. I liked the straight-forward manner of telling, and the rhythm, scansion and rhyming pattern were all well done (something I don't see often enough here at WDC).

Now, the purpose of WDC is for writers to help one another. In that vein, the poem feels unfinished. The final stanza seems to hang, and I felt like it needed an ending that was a little more definite. Of course, this is my opinion, and felt it even after a couple of readings.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
479
479
Review of She  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
As a writer and editor of horror, I have to say you set a nice atmosphere and kept a very good and consistent POV throughout this. Spelling and grammar were tight, and you kept a mood that suited the material.

However, WDC is about helping writers, and so in that vein:

* You need paragraph separation. There are at least 5 paragraphs to be had here, if not more. Block writing like this makes it hard for an editor to read and get a handle on. It also does not allow a sense of the pace you want.

* There are a number of run-on sentences, especially the first one. This also draws the reader out as, even in their mind, they are struggling for a breath to read all of this, and in horrror, that's not necessarily a good thing.

* A few cliches here; while not necessarily a bad thing, just be aware of it.

For some more tips and advice on writing horror, may I place a shameless plug right here? http://stevengepp.wordpress.com/2013/06/22/writing...

Good luck! There are heaps of markets for short horror fiction out there and this shows you definitely have the potential to be sell-able in the field.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
480
480
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Interesting concept for a horror tale, one I don't think I've come across before, so well done on originality.

I also found hardly any spelling mistakes, and aside from a few capitalisation issues, punctuation was tight.

However, WDC is about helping writers, and in that vein:

The block prose *needs* paragraphs. As an editor, I would not accept this no matter how well written otherwise. Using rules of paragraphing, there are at least 20 here. And there are also a lot of run-on sentences, which can break the mood in a horror story where you want things to be punchy.

You have a great idea here, and you know what you want to write and have the basics of writing down well. But if you wish to be taken seriously and be able to sell your work (and that potential is there), then presentation and flow needs to be looked at carefully.

Good luck!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
481
481
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Interesting concept, one that has been done before.

It is a rather limited list (there are many, many more types of undead) and seems to have gained the information from Dungeons and Dragons games and movies, not actual myths, so this is something you should mention. And the rating system is rather vague and could do with expansion.

But, really, the content is by the by; WDC is about helping writers, and in that vein you have a lot of misused words thoughout this - oppion for opinion, posse for possess, etc. - and a lot of misspelled words and homophone issues.

Your use of grammar and ounctuation is pretty good, so well done in those technical aspects. (Watch how you punctuate and differentiate book titles as well.)

But you do need to sit down with an editor and work through this.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
482
482
Review of Once  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is a well-written, sad little poem. Unfortunately, it's something I can relate to.

As a free-form poem, the structure fits and works well. Technically - spelling, etc - it's perfect.

Just a really great job all-round. Well done.
483
483
Review of The Lost Kingdom  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank-you! One of the few haikus that stick true to the syllable form I've seen at WDC!

My only comment is that the last line should be a little bit more detached from the rest...

BUT: This would be perfect as a prologue to some sort of feudal Japanese fantasy story. Well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
484
484
Review of The Bathhouse  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
There is an overall sense of creepiness and desperation in this story. I don't know if that was your intent, but it was definitely there and gave the story a sense of the unknown which kept me reading. The main character - Yuki - is kept constant throughout in the way she thinks and reacts, which is also very good.

Technically, the spelling was good and paragraph separation excellent. Too many writers in WDC don't understand how and why to put paragraphs where they do - you don't have that problem, which is refreshing.

You also have maintained the third person point of view with a focus on Yuki well.

However, WDC is about helping writers. In that vein:
* As an editor I have to say the use of present tense does nothing for the story, and you slip out of it too often. The story is not immediate enough throughout for present tense to really work. Stick with past tense.
* Especially in the sections of dialogue, there is a lot of punctuation missing - commas, capital letters, full stops, etc. There are also other places where this is the case as well. This is something that really jars after how well the rest is written.
* The dialogue doesn't sound quite natural. Try speaking it out loud and you'll see what I mean.

What I would recommend is work with an editor. Sit down with them and let them explain why they make the suggestions they do. Your writing can only improve.

This story beginning shows real potential to be sellable. Good luck with the writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
485
485
Review of good versus bad  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.0)
Interesting look at sibling rivalry. It plays on the "bad" one being not bad well, giving hope.

However, WDC is about helping writers, so, with that in mind:
* Even in poetry, contractions should still have an apostrophe
* Homophones (there/their/they're) need looking at
* "emotional" should be "emotoinally"; there is no real scansion so it is more to stop it sounding clumsy
* Some forced rhymes (sister/mister) don't fit in with the lack of rhyme elsewhere. This is jarring in what becomes free-form poetry after the first stanza.

With the theme of the poem, some more internal emotion would have made it more impactful as well.

Good luck and keep on writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
486
486
Review of Hello Sarah  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.0)
An interesting story with a bit of an emotional kick to it. Well done. The mobile phone call to the deceased is an interesting device, and the narrator seems honest and confused, as he should.

Now, writing.com is about helping authors, so in that vein:

* The narrator was talking at the funeral. How didn't others hear him or hush him?
* I didn't get their relationship. It felt like boyfriend/girlfriend, but then there was a sort of brother/sister interplay.
* There were a lot of punctuation errors, and a few grammar ones ("could of" for example). A good editor can help here.
* Did he kill her? If so, then that would be a good ending. If not, then it certainly feels like he did and I was confused.

This sounds very negative, but I think there is the basis of a sellable piece of flash fiction here. Good luck.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
487
487
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
A standard war short of fighting and a lost comrade returning (I thought the tank was a nice twist). This sort of story always has a market, and you should find no trouble selling it. The story is well told, and the use of a lot of dialogue to get the action moving instead of using the same descriptors as everyone else to describe what is happening is a good touch you should keep.

However, writing.com is about helping writers improve, and so in that vein:

There are a few homophone errors (e.g. your/you're).

There are a number of punctuation errors - missing capital letters, missing punctuation marks, etc.

There are some formatting issues. In order to sell work, you need to have a consistent paragraphing style; here there are 2 styles used and mixed. When I get stories as an editor, I find this makes it hard for me to format a story the way the editor-in-charge wants it, and have been known to send them back to authors to redo.

What I would suggest is find an editor you can work with - some-one who doesn't know the story and will be honest. Sit down with them and go through your work, and learn what they do and what you should be looking for. Your work - which shows a lot of saleable potential - will only benefit from it.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
488
488
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
The story itself - while a well-worn trope (see, for example, the old film Vault Of Horror) - is well constructed with a great ending that is not flagged. Nicely done.

However, writing.com is a place where writers go to be improved. In that vein:
*There are a lot (a real lot) of punctuation / grammar / syntax errors.
*There are a lot of misused words.
Both of these things together make it difficult to read in places.
What I would strongly recommend is to work with an editor. Some-one who does not know the work - an impartial reader. Then watch and listen as they explain what is what. As an editor myself, I have done this with a number of young writers here in my hometown, going opver each mistake and explaining why. Everyone learns all the time - I would really urge you to go down this path.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
489
489
Review of Day of The Beast  
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
While technically a reasonably well-written story, with enough of the desperation of someone in this situation, though without the pitiful 'woe-is-me' attitude, one thing seriously marred this story: the attitude towards the unfortunate female. She was reduced to an animal, as less than human, neglecting anything that might have been sympathy for her own plight. Yes, I do understand this is written from the POV of an alcoholic, but to do that to a woman (character or not) and leave her completely unfulfilled as a character or as a person, discarded like refuse, is a rather hateful thing to do.

Sorry, but I felt I had to say something. Writing.com is about helping writers, and yet I found it hard to help in this case. We are all people; we all need the same compassion we desire.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
490
490
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is the sort of political writing that there is just too little of in the world. Yes, you put forward your concerns with emotional language, but you use the facts - not bits of the facts that help you, but the actual facts - as an assist in a way that doesn't ram them down the readers' throats.

While you have written in an Americocentric view, the problem exists elsewhere. In Australia, the Great Barrier Reef is one of the natural wonders, with people coming from all over the world to see it, bringing in valuable tourist dollars. The governments at all levels have now passed legislation removing its world heritage listing and is allowing mining in parts of it.

Technically, the piece had virtually no errors, and, as an expositional genre piece, was set out with textbook precision.

Fantastic work, well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
491
491
Review of The Truth  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
I quite liked this sad little story. The whole vibe of something under the surface then being brought into the open was well done.

However, I had to read it twice to fully understand it. Your use of the word "him" instead of names made some of the passages hard to follow. (And this sentence - "He knows this, but feels he has one because he has me." - I still don't get.) In fact, it took me while to work out the box of photos was of her husband instead of James, but I could still be wrong.

Also, why would she be offended if her fiancee was paying bills for her? (But that's a little quibble, though it did stand out.)

Technically, the story was pretty good - certainly far less errors in grammar, etc than I am used to seeing on this site - and you did get inside the narrator's head, showing her internal conflict well.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
492
492
Review of Writing Duel #1  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
Number 1 won. While a little sentimental, and while it was meandering in the middle, the closing of it was actually a perfect response to what had gone on before.

While number 2 was well-written, I did see what was coming half-way through, and the denouement - all the narrator's fault - came out of nowhere; there was nothing to indicate why it should be his fault. That lost me.

Oh well, one person's opinion.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
493
493
Review of Would it Matter?  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
I don't normally like much poetry, but this one struck a chord with me. Nice.
494
494
Review of Crashed Witches  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Technically, this was a well-written piece. The use of first-person narrative gave ut an intimacy that the story probably needed to engage a reader. The exposition at the start was well incorporated and led seemlessly to the story proper. In all, this made it easy to read and that is one of the hardest things to do.

However, I felt the crux of the story - the actual crash and death of Eliza - was glossed over. For a horror story I feel there should be more build-up, more suspencse. Even if we know the ending - you gave it away in yourt discussion of portrayals of crashed witches - there can still be a little more build up and suspense to keep the reader suckered in. This unfortunately made the ending of the story seem more like an anecdote and not a short horror.

Anyway, that's my take. Feel free to ignore.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
495
495
Review of Charge  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
The language was well chosen and really well maintained, something hard to do with this archaic form of expression. However, I did lose the meaning of the poem in the last stanza. Up till then I was into it, and then I could not understand what was happening., Sorry.
496
496
Review of steampunk  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good poem, with a nice descriptive style that actually does manage to describe Steampunk quite well.

I think the only thing I would change would be to either get rid of the first three lines, or move them to the end somewhere. Starting with "The Nautilus..." gets straight into it and captures the reader straight away. In fact, if I was going to be ruthless, I think I would get rid of the first three and the last 3 lines, and let the rest stand as it is, because that description is wonderful.
497
497
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Yep... that's me. I'm with you.

As to the writing it was a very readbale piece, the sort that you could actually find a market for. Have you considered 'Reader's Digest' or that ilk? I think I would add a bit more about the feelings of personal alienation - 'blood from middle-aged ears' is perfect, and this should set the rest of the tone - to play up the whole don't-belong-here vibe those of us of a "certain age" feel in these places.

Good work.
498
498
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
Not too bad. The dialogue felt a little stilted at the start, but relaxed as it went on. I think the only issue I had with this was the cliche of the drunk truck driver. Well done.
499
499
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This was really entertaining, and something I guess a lot of us wish we had the courage to do in public, not just in the privacy of our own minds. It was a good, easy read, entertaining and made me feel better about some of the moronic comments cast in my direction.
500
500
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
Really strong piece. I think more could have been made of the adult toys - not just the diversions of youth, but the new cars, computers, iPods, iPhones, whatever that seem to be status symbols. And with the very rich, it's the sports teams, the fast cars, etc. I feel that the terms 'toys' and 'games' are used a little too interchangeably in this essay as well, which makes it a little hard to follow in some places, which is why I didn't go the full monty. But this was still a very good, well thought out and convincing argument.
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