I have to smile . This is well written and probably the best rant I have run into. Although, I do have a suggestion.
I gather others depend on you, (being the sole foundation upon which others rely) yet you are upset at the beginning because they are all talking to each other and not you (you’re the leftover person). I probably missed something there, but does seem a disconnect which could be easily clarified.
Otherwise, this is good preparation for what I presume is your future in the workforce. Always, always, there is the one who does the most and the one that just lets the other carry them along. And, yes, I have been upset by that scenario too!
I like this! Smokescreen to cloud reality. And so many ways to do that - drugs, alcohol, retreating from reality, making up a different reality. We all do it, one way or another, when reality gets to be too much.
Suggestions? The second physical seems a bit much. Perhaps, just "it" would do the job. Just a suggestion!
Good piece!
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I'm thinking this must be about an abortion, in which case, it is well done. A plea from one who cannot speak.
You might consider another title that hints a little more strongly at the subject. Something about life ending too soon perhaps.
Also, your "blurp" has a misspelled "poem" in it. Here again, you might try something more intriguing for reviewers as there a lot of poems here people "did"
This is an excellent start or an excellent middle. Sort of a statement of what is. I think you could REALLY improve it with how we got here and/or how we get out of it.
Don't get me wrong - I think it stands well on it's own. But even a line at the end, like "The fire is closer. When will you remember the heat?" Just something to bring out what it was like when we COULD feel. The change, our evolution....just an opinion, please take as such
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Well, I'm not sure what this is. But, if you really want me to look at this guy, I'd suggest you give some hint of why I should. Maybe not his entire platform, but a couple of things that might provoke my interest. What solutions he offers, for example.
You have set a tone, which you may have wanted to set, but it could turn off the very people you are asking to spend their time. You may think the US (I'm sort of assuming here)is an Empire, but not everyone does and those that don't will immediately tune you out.
"True" independant. That would be as opposed to a fake independant? Perhaps something around the idea he wants what is best for the country, period, regardless of party.
I hope I haven't offended you. If so, apologies. But with all the people running, I would need a very convincing reason to look at someone I've never heard of that's posted on You-Tube. Perhaps another reference I might be familiar with, more traditional?
I do think you have a good start, but, in my opinion, the piece calls for more fact, something that will make me think.
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This is nicely done and certainly identifies the feelings I've felt at times with my "friends" who are, surprisingly all over the world. You've also identified the effort to share and how important it is to be appreciated.
Couple of nits:
- realise realize?
- these are the only 2 lines, I think, in past tense:
You've been in my thoughts -
And I could not figure out why -
That was terrific! A fairly lighthearted look at the workings of Vegas. When I saw those huge new casinos, that was my reaction - if people really win, who builds all this?
Only two comments:
- The last line doesn't seem to have the same synchronity as the rest of the poem. It's not bad, just....I don't know....a bit off.
- The title - something a bit more catchy. Gambling 101, Sins and the City, OK - stop laughing - but give it some thought.
Nit - your keeping .... maybe "you're keeping?"
Great piece!
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Good! I think you have a good setup leading to disaster, although I did not forsee AIDS. A few little nits:
"But doctor she said....might want to put another quote after doctor
This line: My child I am afraid it's way too late for that. Maybe God will cut you some slack." is really long and stands out. Can you make them two lines with the quotes "holding" it together?
You have a very nice still here. Succinct visual and audio - the houses were quiet - the sound of drops. Particularly fond of the "magical" quality.
My only "big" suggestion is to break up that long first paragraph. For example, you could start a new one with the mirror or when she goes outside. That much black ink can be a bit daunting to a reader Or, as someone once told me, "White space is a good thing."
This, I am not sure of, but want to offer for your consideration. Give "her" a name. Then you will have something to work with besides "she." Just a thought - good job!
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That's very pretty. I've done the same when I see people - wonder about their lives. If you could just TALK to them for a minute, but of course, that might seem rude and you won't.
Really like how you reworded the last stanza to match the first - took me a second to realize that.
That's very clever! My dragons like to wake up as nightmares. Or at 3:00 a.m. I will remember something I truly regret doing and agonize over it....as if anything could be changed now!
Very fond of "used to be." You might consider hyphenating that.
My only thought is "Hibernating till summer arrives." This is obviously symbolic, but I don't know of what.
That's good! I like the angel who seems to become something of a demon.
The title would be the only thing I'd reconsider. It's not wrong - the poem certainly supports it - just sort of "typical". Ouch, sorry if that hurt.
Something with a bit more pizazz to peak interest. Here goes - don't laugh - Infatuation - Cupid's Arrow Missed - Returned Arrows....I better stop. But do you see what I'm saying?
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This has got to be...high school? middle school? How well I remember! And, oh yeh, it will pass, but it sure can be slow.
Meanwhile, a few suggestions:
- "They come from the mouth of those of a higher stature" Really? According to who? Maybe they THINK they are of a higher stature, but we know better, don't we?
- Not sure why Despair, Emos, Freaks and Insults is capitalized. PS - What's an Emo?
- Typo - "When the write it in notes"...they?
In general, I would like this person to have the self-esteem to recogize the situation for what it is and rise above. The last line attempts this, but is so late in the game, I'm not sure of the confidence.
I think with a little beefing up, this could be very good!
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Oh - nicely done! Really like the recognition that, although you were not there, it impacted you emotionally. I gather you knew some of the students. If not, just being in the vicinity would emotionally impact you. Nice comments on the media too - what a frenzy.
Nit - you have a mispelled word here: horror that in sued. ensued?
Good piece!
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As I read this, I was reminded of lovers or gang members...I'm not sure. I think either one would work, but perhaps put a little something in there that tells us who you are talking about.
If you want to keep vigilantes, these are people who take the law into their own hands, right? Perhaps a reference to a fight or a murder, having to take vengence because the law won't take care of the problem. Or maybe, the Robin Hood thing - righting wrongs. Otherwise, it does not appear obvious, at least to me.
These are just thoughts - please take as such!
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Very true! Really like the "Perception is bleached." And the allusion to a moth is very interesting. Like when they fly into the electric "zapper" as if nothing could be dangerous, so we fall in love.
I suppose that is beyond your poem, but you certainly open the door to it with the moth!
Good job!
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Yes, I think you have her down, so far! I just watched "The Queen" and, if she is anything like that movie, you've got her pegged.
I see it is "to be continued." I want her to go inside, see her human side, the one the public doesn't see. (I'm probably getting this from the movie, BTW). When she can let down her guard, so to speak.
Good concept on how we are all different and it's not a bad thing. I DO get your point, but I think there are a few things that might make it clearer.
- The poem seems to support "difference" rather than change. People are different and that's a good thing.
- I'm afraid I'm not up on BFFs. That would be?
- It's not fair that one gets along with one's friends? Seems to suggest life would be better if one didn't get along with one's friends.
These are just thoughts - use as you see fit. I DO think you have a strong potential for expressing differences among us are a strength.
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Very, very nice! Easy to follow, encompasses a whole lifetime in few words. Particularly fond of:
When you're hanging from the bottom rung
it's kinda hard to lend a hand.
My only suggestion is changing one of the two paragraphs that start with "Well" to something besides "well." Maybe, "so" or just take one out altogether. Would that still make it work?
Good job!
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Oh my, that was very good! The screeching - I can hear the "T" in Boston now. I never thought of a train car as a cell, (used to ride the Metro in DC), but good point. Especially if the door sticks
Also fond of the people's faces, their entrapment. The best was "Ikea inspired." I can see it easily because I've lived "back east," but you may run into some who say "What's an Ikea?" We don't seem to have there in CO or NM. So might want to think of the same concept with a different word. Just a thought. Good job!
Wow! What a combination of a innocence (childhood game) and abuse. I appreciate how you led from the simple game through the act itself, then on to the resulting mental distress. And in so few words!
I'd just run it through spellcheck as misspelled words are distracting and deter from the reader's attention. Here's a couple, but you might want to check:
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. This is well written and probably the best rant I have run into. Although, I do have a suggestion.
