Does kind of get your back up, doesn't it? This is decisive and to the point. Respect is a two way street which does seem to be lost on a number of people.
You seem to have good insight into the essence of things like love and friendship. We should all be so grateful for true friends as they are very hard to come by.
Good job!
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Wow! Very nice. I like how love is give and take - there must be more than blind adoration. It's also interesting how it does made you stronger when you get it right.
Well Done!
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Oh - that's just great! Good Christmas spirit and what a nice surprise at the end.
A couple of suggestions.
- "Young man" is used a lot. Perhaps you could give him a name.
- Grammar - "Had he went to look," Perhaps - Had he looked.....
- Turn this into dialog - could reveal a lot of information: As they sat drinking the hot sweet brew the young man explained in answer to John’s question that he had taken shelter from the snow storm on the porch.
Sad, but good story - you could do a lot with this, you know!
Suggest a little better definition of the characters. Maybe say, when you introduce Steve, they are partners on the force. Possibly start out with "Officer Mike Stanton..." so we know.
I understand Cheryl is upset, but I'd like her to be a little smarter. Maybe, "Who would do this?" When Mike walks out, she should be concerned as to her son's welfare.
Lastly, and I'll shutup, Mike knows they have caught the man, but sees the kid first before telling the parents? With whom is he very close? Hmmmmmm.....
Run this puppy through grammar check - some commas here and there would help:
Turning away (COMMA) he walked out of Bay 3 in....
Oh my. Too often, too true. Don't need a lot of visits to "old age" homes to know you don't want to be there!
The beach balls were interesting - kind of threw me. What do old people do with beach balls?
Just a thought, as I have aging parents and have looked into some of these places. Might want to make him a bit less, shall we say, cognizant. My investigations into "care" revealed people who know what's going on are involved, sociable and interact. Given the scenerio, perhaps he has a memory loss, can't care for himself,...something to relegate him to such a place. For example: "If he could just remember why he is there..."
Great concept! As if time was standing still so the narrator could catch up!
A couple of thoughts.
- The young man in blue...is blue important? Blue what?
- The first line - as though you must tell us the story so we understand the story. The story stands on it's own - I would suggest deleting this line.
- I find the only sound of water dripping a bit odd. Is the woman not crying? The man whispering? Three children have the wherewithal to munch cookies but are not mumbling? Subdued, I understand. But total silence i find a bit of a stretch.
In the last paragraph, you start two sentences with "And."
The time standing still thing - you have that down. Good piece!
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Interesting perspective. I wonder where we really need to be. Fascinating that inside is a place of negative experience and yet the conclusion says this is where we learn. The point being we learn bad things "inside." I suppose. Sort of makes one want to stay outside
Good job - thought provoking!
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Well done and interesting use of response. I think everyone goes though some period of feeling so totally alone, you wonder if anyone on the planet can hear.
Wow. That's was as expected! Never thought it would be about abuse. Going down the "daddy knows best" road there....
The poem is well written and drew me in - what is happening here? The questions, the unknown, the perseverance to move all - all great.
So, my only comment is the title. "Saved" makes me think something wonderful is going to happen thanks to "blue eyes." OK to have a twist to it, but I had to read the early stanzas twice because my expectations were a bit warped. Plus, "blue eyes" are generally seen as good - baby blues, "Blue Eyes," the song.
Maybe set the stage a little more: Evil Blue Eyes, Beyond Your Hated Blue Eyes, ...dunno...something like that! Good piece - very deep. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Well done! I wish it would happen at 4:00 a.m. - morning is so much closer than a 2:00 a.m.! I love how morning seems an eternity away and yet you know when it comes, all will become more defined. Somehow.
And how the mind finds all the most unaswerable questions of the universe to ponder. Good job.
Only comment - break it up a little - make somemore paragraphs. Will make it more readable.
Wow. No question of emotion coming through there. I got the feeling you were venting your feelings, just typing, typing, typing, get it out!
I was "a daughter" in the Air Force and I don't think my parents slept for 9 years. Of course, I was oblivious Hard enough to let kids go, much less to a war zone.
I think with a few more paragraphs and a run through grammar/spell check, you could have an awesome piece here. Some places to start:
- question weather (whether?) I had
- At least the vietcong (Vietcong)
-It's their country and they don't want to help themselves (PERIOD),it may be scary, but our troops are giving their lives to help them the least they can do is show up.
Lastly, here is a piece I wrote about the Beruit Bombing in 1983. I was stationed at Dover AFB. I've had soldiers in Iraq write me and tell me it made them feel appreciated.
Good title. And I like how you tied it together at the end.
The first line threw me a bit - why are these words worse than lies? I was all set for a politician's statement.
Strip "you" of all hope? Almost think the opposite. "You" have no hope and don't want to hear anything optimistic now. Just thoughts - please take as such.
Oh wow - very powerful. Hard not to get the point! And a real testament to what kid will do to get a mother's love. Because what else is there?
I find it awful poems like this are written at all, but you express yourself without reservation and that's unususal. Kudos there!
Thoughts - Maybe mention Mom earlier. I have a friend going through a divorce and somehow I was in that mode when I started reading this. Of course, "Mom" brought me around. Even in the title - just to focus the reader.
My roots
Must have been slipping with it.
Did yours? They mustn’t have.
Almost like you're not sure, looking for confirmation because you just can't believe it.
Two suggestions, and they a just that:
1) Mention "trust," even in the title - "Ashes of Trust." Without your "blurp", the reader may be lost.
2) Raise the question of trust slipping earlier, go through the evidence, then ask again. I think it will tie together more nicely.
As in, how long are you suppose to put up with this? It takes two to be friends, but some of us are slow learners and just keep plodding along, looking for that bit of returned affection. There does reach a point of "I tried."
A thought - your summation. Sort of misleading to me. Maybe "Deciding when I friendship is over." But just a thought. Good job! Sue
That really great! I like the separation of action and thoughts into stanza - very easy to follow.
The "love dance" is always so interesting - how to act like you don't like them but let them know you like them, but don't put yourself out there too much or you could be made a fool.
Not sure about the "ashamed." Seems a hair out of place in the game, but it's your poem and I may simply miss the point. Great job!
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Excellent piece! From the Cinderella beginning, to all the things that go wrong, to the new beginning - easy to follow and very visual. The fairy tale allusions are striking.
Particularly fond of this:
Steal her ruby slippers
You're the wizard there in OZ
Have an affair, click your heels
Convince her she's the cause.
Great piece!
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Nice piece. I wonder if you shouldn't call it "I Wish for Sleep." Just a thought
Motherhood does change things and I like the way you open it up with the way is was. A run through grammar check would do it a world of good. There are a few i's that need capitalizing and some apostrophes that would be helpful. Might also consider breaking in to 2 or 3 paragraphs, to separate the thoughts.
Excellent! Short, to the point and outstanding ending.
Comma nits:
- been more wrong, Emily (how about a period vs comma?)
- My mother and I have COMMA for years COMMA
Grammar:
"She was inconsolable. I was quickly realizing my day after Thanksgiving tradition was over. When I was reaching my wits end and was ready to scream"
You have 5 "was's" in here. Try to avoid using was, had, that - past perfect - wherever you can. For example:
"I quickly realized my day-after-Thanksgiving tradition was over. At my wits end, ready to scream,....blah blah." Again, grammar check and super piece!
Sue
That's cute - welcome to the adult world, huh? Terrible thing having to get yourself up, I know
Just a couple of notes:
The clock STRIKES 7:37? Like as in DING!? Or the clock blinks 7:37 or glares 7:37?
i snatch - I snatch
tone i say - I say
My Mother implies - not sure she is implying.
Fun piece - well done from the prompt!
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Maybe, "Who would do this?" When Mike walks out, she should be concerned as to her son's welfare.
