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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/thekindred
Review Requests: ON
1,459 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a form I use for reviews. I look for a Goal, Motivation, Conflict and Resolution. It also allows me to tell what I liked and what I thinks needs improving. In my reviews I may make suggestions by adding my take on what the author is trying to say. Purely a suggestion to take or leave as needed.
I'm good at...
Giving in depth and fair reviews. I usually review stories that interest me. I don't always like them but they have promise and potential. I am fair but I AM reviewing. I do not review grammar or spelling. I do point out past and present tenses as well as the over use of WAS, WENT, THE and THAT in one story so watch those.
Favorite Genres
inspirational, mystery,action/Adventure, paranormal and anything that falls into those broad genre, some fantasy and comedy
Least Favorite Genres
Vampires,YA or adult. This genre is overrated and unless you write much better than Steph Meyer, I probably won't read it. Most Non-fiction unless the premise interest me. Always worth an ask.
Favorite Item Types
Everything in the STATIC file except the ones listed below: Look down
Least Favorite Item Types
Appendix, bulletin, campfire, in n out, editorial,letter/memo, lyrics, outline, preface, script/play, Poetry.
I will not review...
Poetry. I don't understand this style and don't feel confident to review it. Novel or novella, I reserve the right to refuse to review. Not to hurt feelings, but time wise it may be something I can't give good attention to, but always ask.
Public Reviews
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1
1
In affiliation with Group ~ Reviewing with River  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello AJW I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.



what was the goal if the main character?
Slim confronts Jim telling him he wants the money, Jim hustled from him. He does so in a calm sensible manner.


What motivates the main character?
Jim has a reputation I liked this line Slim responds to Jim. “Yes, that’s what they call me back at home. And I want my money back. I don’t want any trouble. I just want what you stole from me.”


What conflicts occur
This is a well written paragraph with lots of conflict. Slim digs down deep and charges after Jim. He tackles Jim, causing them to fall to the ground. Slim starts pounding on Jim. Jim is getting cuts and bruises all over his body. When there is an opening, Jim fights back. He pushes Slim off of him. Then, Jim pulls a knife and goes after Slim. Slim desperately tries to avoid getting cut. But Jim is more agile with the knife.


My over all thoughts
Those of us who know the song made this more interesting. Your ending was tight and well executed. I loved reading this.



Reviewed by Journey Through the Genres Judge
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2
2
Review of Gimli's Arms  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello hullabaloo22 I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.



what was the goal if the main character? We have two familiar characters. I loved this scene in the movie. Gimli's physical restriction keep him from some types of conflict.
A cough behind them made them both turn around. "Now this is all well and good, but what about me? I'm not going to stand back and miss all of the killing." You give a good show of the goal Gimli has. He's insistent he be included in the fight next to his comrade.


What motivates the main character?
We all know the motivation is to defend Helms Deep. Gimli insists he can fight as well as any.


What conflicts occur
This situation of his lack of height makes fighting in this conflict a problem.
"We have no more time to spend on this," Aragorn said. "We need to prepare for the coming night."

"What about me?" Gimli asked. "What am I to do?"

Legolas stepped back and put a friendly hand on the dwarf's shoulder. "You can watch. I'll find you a box to stand on beside me."

"Hhhmpf!"
This was my favorite part. It gives the whole goal, motivation and conflict. It also gives a resolution.


My over all thoughts
I loved this story. It had humor, conflict and great description. You have a good sense of dialogue and plotting.




Reviewed by Journey Through the Genres Judge
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3
3
Review of I, Data  
In affiliation with Group ~ Reviewing with River  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello {user: } I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.


what was the goal if the main character?
The goal of this story is lost on me. It was an interesting moment in time with no real purpose.

What motivates the main character?
I wonder what the author intends to happen. I have one specific assumption, of course. After all, although I am an android, my father, Dr. Noonian Soong—who should never be confused with Khan Noonien Singh, an entirely different character and one who will be forever remembered as among the gravest threats to the Federation (second only to the Romulans, in my opinion)—had created me to be fully functional and programmed in multiple techniques, a broad variety of pleasuring. I wonder if this is the motivation for this story. I'm not sure but it seemed plausible.

What conflicts occur
When the Dr gave him the directive to run when they get to the bedroom, he didn't run. There may have been a point he wanted the scene to continue.


My over all thoughts
I liked the story in itself. It didn't qualify or fit my format but it was interesting and well written.




Reviewed by Journey Through the Genres Judge
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4
4
Review of Musical Treasure  
In affiliation with Group ~ Reviewing with River  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Carly I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.


what was the goal if the main character?

There are two main characters here. You have given them both equal bill and did a good job of it.
Needing to get out and away from the crush of fans and other crazies, Alessia Cara had slipped out; leaving her entourage to fend for itself. She walked the trails down to the lake, taking care to watch out for bears that she was told liked to wander around this area. No sense attracting that kind of attention. Motivation of Alessia

Dani arrived early so that she could put her guitar in the back for later. If it wasn't too crazy, maybe her boss would let her perform tonight. It was Tuesday, usually a slow night, but the open mic event had been drawing in a crowd.
This looks like Dani's goal.

What motivates the main character? Both of these characters are musical ad they have a connection the author wants you to read on to discover.


What conflicts occur
You have given two great conflicts here. They aren't insurmountable, however there is a possibility one or the other might not move on to make this connection happen. There is only a hint of it.


My over all thoughts

I liked the idea of this story. I didn't know who Alessia was and looked her up so I could connect with the story. You did an excellent job of bringing these two together. It could have used a little more conflict or "Will it happen? what if it doesn't?" That being said there was an inference.


Reviewed by Journey Through the Genres Judge
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5
5
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Chris24 I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.


what was the goal if the main character?
To stay retired. That was basically it. He seems to be called out of hibernation which he resistists. I liked that he tells Zuria no but she pulls out a trump card

What motivates the main character?
This is pretty basic concept. The world is coming to an end and you are the only one that can save us. He still isn't motivated to help because he's lost what mattered to him.

What conflicts occur
There aren't any conflicts. I would have liked to see before Zuria shows up he is pressured and almost taken hostage to save them. But that isn't your story so he just has a conversation.

My over all thoughts
I liked your story. However some small things bothered me. Check your use of SO. This is something we say when we can't think of the right words.
Also the over use of THE. When you cut these words you have to rewrite the sentences and most times they are better.
Then the goal is repeated. To conserve word count it would have been nice to focus on what they want from him, his resistance and then up the game with the imminent annihilation and lastly the trump card, Maggie.




Reviewed by Journey Through the Genres Judge
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6
6
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello Mara ♣ McBain I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.

I especially like the way you used these descriptions

A ratty plaid shirt and cut-offs had never looked so good. Maybe it was the long, tanned legs hanging out below. His brows lifted in recognition. So did parts south of the belt buckle. Any way you looked at it, she was a sight for sore eyes.

There weren’t too many men that would argue. When she’d left Montana for the runways of Milan, she hadn’t looked back. Her best friend, Evelyn, had been just as shellshocked as John. They’d ended up comforting one another all the way to the altar.

I like this bit of conversation

This could be so good for both of us, John. Marry me and get an infusion of cash so you can continue to protect the Yellowstone. Quit beating your head against a brick wall. Have someone in your corner. Someone to talk to and wrap around at night.”

My over all thoughts

Cyn leaned in, her lips playing over his in the barest caress. “Because I know you, John Dutton. Now, come on.”

Some of the weight lifted as he followed. Sometimes it felt good to be told what to do.


This is a good way to end the story.

Reviewed by Journey Through the Genres Judge
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7
7
Review of Apprentice Thief  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Lili J. I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.



My over all thoughts I thought the action of Daro'sa mived her toward the goal of being a part of the Thieves. She was sneaky and presented something of value to the group who then in turn welcomed her.

I'm sorry I don't know this genre, but I did enjoy her progress to the end.




Reviewed by Journey Through the Genres Judge
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8
8
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Steve Joos I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.

what was the goal if the main character?
Charles sharing with his sister an incident that happened over Christmas. It was especially poignant to me since I loved the character of Charles Winchester III


What motivates the main character?
Charles loves his sister who stutters. She is someone who has had difficulties in life and he is especially close to her. He shares with her his deepest thoughts, failures and accomplishments. Reading this I can hear him speaking into his recorder.

What conflicts occur
Charles wants to feel appreciated. He doesn't quite know how to do it so looks around him for something he can part with. What does he have that any of these people would appreciate?
When he finally chooses the chocolates he is parting with something he feels is valuable to him and those around him. Though at Christmas there are chocolates and candy available. It's something that isn't costing him a great deal either in emotion, money or principle.

When he discovers what his gift was misappropriated he felt slighted.

My over all thoughts

I loved this story the best of them all. Not just because I could see this happening in the real series, but you opened a moment that brought back to me not only the over pompous Charles, but his inner insecurities. His brash actions of ripping the candy from Rizzo and confronting the director to spilling the whole day's events to Honoria (If I remember her name right)
Kudos on a great fan fiction


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9
9
Review of Bond's Last Stand  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Odessa Molinari smiling I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.

what was the goal if the main character?
I liked this story about an older James Bond. You gave him a purpose to save himself.


What motivates the main character?
James' isn't so old that he can't defend himself. I liked that he still had some gadgets available. I wondered about him moving. Ms Joy had to put him to bed but he seemed to be able to get out of bed. I would have liked to have that addressed. Was his inability a fake just to get a face rub? (wink)


What conflicts occur
You gave the reader a great piece of action that I loved. He went out in a blaze of glory.


My over all thoughts

I enjoyed reading this piece. I read all of Ian Flemming's books as a teenager, and watched a few of the movies. You kept true to the concept and intention of the story.

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This is a Journey through the Genres Contest






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10
10
Review of Carolyn's Pond  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Bkies per your request


Overall Impression

I loved this chapter. You wrote a good beginning setting the stage for anthropomorphus characters. I enjoys stories like this. In the Woods was a great book.


Setting:
Because you gave me a synopsis at the beginning I knew this was to be about a pond on a property.
I would have like a bit more setting. Fred arrives at a property and meets other characters. What does Fred see? Why does he stop at this property?

Plot:

I got that Fred has arrived at a property but he doesn’t tell anyone why His first goal is to get a drink of water. However it seems that’s his only goal. What is the goal for the rest of the book? Once I got to the end I thought there wasn’t anything that drew me to move to the next chapter

You gave good conflict. He wanted a drink and wasn’t allowed.

Characters:

I liked your characters you gave adequate descriptions for this first chapter. I got a sense of each one and their place
I do think you introduced too many for the first chapter. Keeping one or two conflict interests would move the story snd allow you to expand the perimeters of the property this will take place.

Suggestions:

My only suggestion others than what I already said is the switch of POV to the squirrel it took me out of the story and only described the character’s thoughts. You might start the next chapter with the squirrel as the main character if you want them to tell the story.



A super power image


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11
11
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Bryce Raffle This is response to your request for a critique.


Overall Impression

I liked the premise of the story. I love a good ghost story. I loved the series Ghost Whisperer and Sixth Sense. The overall story is intriguing once I got to the bottom of the chapter.

Setting:
I didn't get an overall sense of the era or place at the beginning. The names are old and the references are old 1700-1800 England. Because most people are going to go that route, I'd suggest you give the reader a firm setting at the beginning. Show an object in the room or something that sets the time and place. Even if it's something like She struck the flint to light the candle.
It isn't until the end that we get there are horse and carts in Trafalgar Sq, England. Little clues inserted before helps the reader get a sense of the setting, not just bodies moving around on a blank screen.


Plot:
I like that you give the situation in the beginning. Not like Sixth Sense where we have to go through the movie wondering what was going on. You tell the reader up front this is going to be about solving a murder. Who the subject is and how the MC finds out about it.
I didn't get Evelyn's motivation. Why does she talk to dead people? I sighed. I was going to be late for work again.
With a wayward glance back at Pickwick’s break fast, I set off after the ghost.
Why? here is a good place to insert a little thought. Instead of saying she couldn't scream at every ghost. How about something about her past experiences? Standing at the top of the stairs we stared at each other and and I sighed. There had been other's like her. I'd seen them since I was a child. they no longer scared me, but their appearance often surprised me. This wasn't the normal ghostly apparition but stood there in a full form. Then describe her appearance.



Characters:

I like Evelyn. She seems a woman with a purpose. Then you gave me a and odd reaction. She sobbed. This isn't the reaction I would attribute to Evelyn. She seemed to have a stronger constitution and this put me off. Having compassion is not the same as crying. After looking up and down the street where no one took notice of the girl I looked at her again. She was indeed a ghost. She didn't move when I approached the curb. Her eyes locked with mine and I felt her need. The one that called me to her. "What do you want? What happened to you?" I knew she couldn't talk, but I thought maybe we could converse in telepathy. I'd never done it before but it could be a first. You wrote Evelyn didn't expect an answer. Then why did she ask the question? Without any hand motion she turned her body and moved away. I looked at the sidewalk that now filled with the morning commuters. I had to get to work. She stood in the middle of the road. Her look of impatience moved me to turn and follow her. Cars and pedestrians passed through her and she didn't register their journey. then add the journey through the market. Here again I wasn't sure of the era. There are markets in places today, at this point of the story.

We have two characters and since this is the beginning chapter we don't need to know everything about them. I would leave all the back story with Mr. Pickwick until later since this is a dream sequence. In dreams the action moves the dream. I do go off on tangents in a dream but not like that. I'm a writer and details can distract me. I rarely get back on the same tract until the next night.
Here's another thing to think about. Who is your audience? Women I'm guessing for the most part. Then they want to know what she's wearing. Below I give a suggestion of where to start. If you do that, then when she's in her room, have her dress in what women would wear.
From my wardrobe I took my black work dress from its hook and gave it a good shake, hoping the wrinkles from its hanging overnight disappeared. Once on I button the front to the small white collar and tie the ribbon around the neck arranging the tails to lay flat, still showing under the collar points. The mirror reflected my brown hair pulled to a knot at the nape of my neck, the body of a (insert age) woman with a trim waist and slim hips hidden beneath the folds of the skirt. Giving a shake of my shoulders, lifting my chin and spinning on the heels of my boots, I headed to the stairs and the break fast I could smell wafting to my room. This is just a suggestion of how to show the reader who Evelyn is. A strong woman, not afraid of her dreams and still a bit unsure of the life ahead. She seems to want to face it head on.

Suggestions:
What I didn't care for was the detail in the dream sequence then having to do the same thing all over.
My suggestion is to start with her waking. Then having a bit of trouble remembering exact details of the dreams. Something about monkeys. She struggles to recreate that part as she dresses, looking into the mirror combing her hair, she might remember the girl's hair, her mouth sewn shut. She bares her teeth at the mirror. I'm glad my lips aren't sewn. When she goes down stairs she greets Mr. Pickwick. You don't need to explain their relationship at this time. other than to mention he is her surrogate father figure. I'd also wait until later to talk about the photo.

Then as she has the conversation with Mr. P she gets a sense of impatience. Thinking about the girl in the dream she steps onto the porch and there she is, just as she was in the dream. Then she follows her to the museum. When she sees the monkey in the palm the rest of the dream floods into her mind. She might reel from the memory and the details flood her mind. Now what? The dream gave no clues as to what happened. My question to you is why did she have a dream that gives no details but she sees a ghost. Suggestion. Leave the monkey out of the dream since there isn't any connection to the murder. If you want to have a clue in the dream give it an obscure place. See a hand putting it there. See her hand grasping it from someone or something that lends to the fact it's important to WHAT?
Here is where you can leave the reader with a hook to turn the page. She might remember there were two other monkeys. Where are they? What do the monkeys have to do with a dead girl? (turn the page to find out)

This way the reader isn't back tracking. The flow pulls the reader to follow the ghost to find what happened to her. The reader is on the same journey as Evelyn.

So remember when you do any rewriting. She gets a call to action (from her dream) She is curious. Then sees the object of her dream on the street the same as the dream. She might ignore it at first (from the top step) Refuse the call. Now is where to tell the reader her motivation. Why does she follow the girl? She Answers the call. She sees the scene and the clue of the monkey.

In conclusion:

I'm anxious to read on. I want to know how Evelyn interacts with the ghost and how you will present the clues of what happened to her. I hope I've given you something to look at as you move forward with this captivating story.

A super power image


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12
12
Review of Size of a Thought  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear jdennis This review is given in response to your request.

*Quill* What I liked about the story: There was a fast pace to it. The action moved along with the story toward the conclusion. While this isn't my type of reading, the concept is basic.


*Quill* What is the goal of the main Character? This is what I found lacking. I have no idea what Jonah's goal is. I felt like I'd been dropped into the middle of a story without any forewarning.


*Quill* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Because there was no goal for Jonah, he just needed to get out of a hotel room with a dead body.


*Quill* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?Here is where you excel. You had a lot happening. Most of the conflict or Deus de Machina were all over the place. It was entertaining to see what would almost magically happen next.


*Quill* Resolution: Here is were I got totally lost. You kill off the main character. Then throw an explanation at the end to try to tie it up in a bow.


*Quill* Do the characters develop in this story? Not enough. This is a plot segment that needs more development into a longer piece. There is so much you can do with it. Expand Jonah and Allison. Give them both a story.



*Quill* What do I think needs work:
as my left foot pulled from under the sheet and fell to the carpet,When I read this I thought the foot detached and fell to the floor. I had to read it twice as I was laughing, and realized it wasn't a joke. I suggest you rewrite this to say. I eased my foot from the covers feeling for the floor to steady my body from the sense the room swirled.
The hand on my forehead belonged to someone who lay next to me and that "someone" had long graceful fingers finished in gold bands, set with precious stones. As I read later I find the woman is dead. How did her hand get to be on his forehead? This seemed a bit off to me. Maybe rewrite this action.



As I said above there is so much potential here for a longer more exciting story. The story as written is a bit confusing and if someone should stick with it to the end, they'd still wonder why? Who were those characters?
You leave the reader with too many questions in the end.
I, for one, would love to see you really rework this piece to SHOW more instead of TELL.



My PDG Skeeter Sig
13
13
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.

what was the goal if the main character?
A wife has decided her husband needs a hair cut. She has cut his hair before and he seems comfortable with her ability.

What motivates the main character?
She doesn’t like his long hair and insists it’s causing him to sweat.

What conflicts occur First he doesn’t think he needs one. There is a difference in opinion and they have a discussion about it.
In the process her ability is in question. The result is a disappearance of an important piece.
When the inquisitive cat become involved it’s a disaster.

My over all thoughts
I liked the story. The fact the husband is totally unaware is too much of a stretch for me. I liked the way the story unfolds and it flows smoothly to the end




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14
14
Review of Seasons  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello cheryl losch I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.




what was the goal if the main character?
The different seasons met to discuss their different times to cover the world.
You point out the obvious and it was easy to understand their particular expertise


What motivates the main character?
Each season voices their desire for more time. What I didn't get was a different voice or character development for each character.

What conflicts occur
YOu have lots of conflicts that occur in each season. Then Mother Nature shows up and voices her opinion and leaves. She seems all knowing.

My over all thoughts
I didn't get where the COMEDY came in. I missed what was funny about their decisions or conflicts. While I enjoyed the story I didn't smile or laugh.



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15
15
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello {user: } I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.



what was the goal if the main character?
We see two bumbling thieves trying to steal valuables from a mansion. You do a good job with setting up the goal. WE don't have any trouble figuring out what is probably going to happen.


What motivates the main character?
You also give a great job of telling the reader what Mort wants to do once he gets the money for what he steals. You give the reader a sense that this guy is basically a good hearted guy, but he doesn't have much morality.

What conflicts occur
YOu give one conflict after the other. You do a good job describing the conflicts so they are easy to follow.

My over all thoughts
While I liked the story, I thought the genre was wrong. It was more in the horror, scary, paranormal genre than COMEDY. I didn't get it as funny. I really liked what happened in the respect they got what they deserved.


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16
16
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Mastiff I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.



what was the goal if the main character?
SimpMost kids at some point or other make money at working at a burger joint. Its the goal to not just make money but learn to work as a team and the process of how business runs. I don't think this guy got the point.

What motivates the main character?
Although he was older he hadn't learned anything in the process. I don't think he came to the job with the right attitude and I'm sure whomever hired him wished he/she hadn't.

What conflicts occur
The MC had a bad attitude but his supervisor was an idiot of far worse attitude. The man had an ego problem that it seemed this employee or any employee could dent. While I understand the conflict, the resulting action went too far.

My over all thoughts
I thought this story was well written. It had a beginning, middle and end. There was a form of justice in the main character's eyes, but to me it wasn't comedy. It was more in the drama genre. I don't think ruining everyone's night and shutting down the joint is comedy.


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17
17
Review of Dingbat!  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Lovina 🐕‍🦺 I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.



what was the goal if the main character?
Izzy wants to make a potion. She had a recipe, and she goes around town collecting the bizarre ingredients.

What motivates the main character?
I kept reading to find the reason why she was doing this. There was a lack of motivation for her to make the potion and her expectations for the result.

What conflicts occur
I loved her list of ingredients and her collection process. I did give a smile at what she chose and how she both obtained them and moved them to her home.

My over all thoughts
I liked the story. It would be more for the October dark and scary genre. It did cause me to smile. I have to pick up after my dog. I don't know what I'd think if someone followed me and Ariel rushing to pick up her poo before I could. That was funny.


My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!

18
18
for entry "CHAPTER 28
In affiliation with Group ~ Reviewing with River  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is one of your best chapters. Surprising there isn't much you need to change if you don't want to. You have great dialogue. You have some action. Not much setting in the part where he talks to the General. Here you could use a bit more of them moving in the room or eating or sitting or something that allows the reader to SEE the characters not just hear their voices.
What you want when you read is a total experience. You don't have to go overboard like The Bronte's sisters, but add a bit more than just dialogue.
I can't think of anything more to add. It gave great information that I suspected and and I have a greater respect for his father.
Keep on writing.

If you can hold of on the requests during November I'd appreciate it. I writing a novel for the Nanowrimo.


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19
19
for entry "CHAPTER 27
In affiliation with Group ~ Reviewing with River  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
You have improved. This chapter is the best you've written. It had emotion, it has setting and you bring the reader into the story. You've come a long way since this began. I'm impressed.

I only have one suggestion. In the part where they enter the room the characters begin to interact. I don't know who these characters are. It's been a long time since they were introduced. I suggest you insert a paragraph or two from Jake's POV.
Jake stepped into the room, a quick scan showed (put in the number, 3?) a pire and two wolves. (describe them) He recognised Derek, How long since he saw the young pup? He knew the others, Randall and Accalia. (who are these characters and what is their relation to Jake and his father? Don't tell us, show in dialogue) i.e. Randall steps forward and points to Jake, "You bring this 'pire into our camp. What do you want? I'm in charge here."
The General gives him a brief nod, only acknowledging his existence not his self professed title. "I come to bury my son."

Who is Accadia? His wife? say so. Randall reproves Accadia for her response and with a jerk of is head indicating she leave there is a brief resistance, but she bows to his will and leaves the tent.
The rest follow.
then describe the funeral. This gives the reader an insight to the culture and their beliefs. Do they believe in a hereafter? do they acknowledge there is a God? this is where you can bring out their commonality or their differences. Let's say there is a difference.
Randall performed his ritual and his followers chanted. they circled the coffin, each placing a tribute in the coffin. When they were finished, Randall motioned them to step back and nodded to the General.
The General stepped forward and Jake next to him. He raised his hands to the sky and began a prayer for the dead. It was long and melodic. Clouds formed and swirled. they parted and rays of sunlight shone through onto the coffin. When the prayer ended, The General removed his own tribute and placed it on the chest of the departed. Jake too placed his tribute next to his father's and saluted the dead.
When the two stepped back Randall motioned for the lid to be replaced and it was lowered into the grave. A song started from somewhere. So familiar all knew the words and melody. The General took up the tune and Jake harmonized along with the others. The sound wove it's way into the heart and minds of those present and when the last notes faded. Randall stepped forward. "We have food prepared. Come and eat. You are welcome to share. No harm will come to either of you."
They accepted.
The next section you are back to your old ways. No real description or setting or emotion. Re read the first and see how lacking the the last two parts are. They need more development.


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20
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, Maryann- Happy 13th Power I was drawn to your story because the title and brief description.


Overall Impression

I love a good fairy tale and story. I went through your port and found a story not a poem.

Setting:

This is a fairy tale set in a fairy tale land. This mythical land is in the heart of every reader and varies as to the age of the reader. By leaving the setting without detail the reader makes up their own land. The clues after the first few paragraphs lead the reader to realize the time is in the present not in a mythical time in a long ago era.

Plot:

Jealousy is the the heart of the story. We see the green monster is alive and well in the stepmother's heart. Bad deeds do not overcome the pure of heart.
We see the evil stepmother's ill will against her stepdaughter grows until the poor girl becomes a victim.
You have set the story in the present using ingenious products to emulate the items used in the original story. I had to smile. I immediately thought of the poor grandma yelling GOOGOO at the item hoping for an answer.
The climax and end were cleverly written and came to a satisfying conclusion.



Suggestions:
I have only one suggestion and that is to take a few moments and add more to this story. I know it was written for the GoT this is such a great story, I would love to see it expanded with more up to date details that parallel the original.


In conclusion:

I loved the story! It unfolded and held my interest. It's one I'd read to a grandchild if I had one, just to see if they recognize it.


A super power image


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21
21
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, laurafu In response to your review request.


Overall Impression

I realize this is a painful real story. It's close to your heart. You are feeling the emotion of the visit. This story is going to be a catharsis as you write it. What you have written here are a jumble of thoughts, impressions and experiences. As an outside reader, I'm not getting the feeling of what is going on and what you really want to say. I think you're holding back.


Setting:

In the beginning You spend a lot of words describing the setting with no emotional connection given. Your purpose for writing this is to share what happened all those years and its effect on your life. I didn't get this from the long laundry list of detail. This section might server better interspersed with the story.


Plot:

You told in the blurb that this was about PTSD and its effect on you. This didn't come through at the beginning. You always need to state the goal of the story up front. Introduce yourself and tell why you are writing this.
What is the goal of the main character? You
I don't even know your name. SO I'm going to call you Donna

My name is Donna. It's not my real name as I will be talking about real people both alive and dead. I don't want a law suit so all the names of people will be changed.

I was abused as a child. I wasn't alone, I have siblings that went through this period. They have their own story, this is mine. It's going to be in detail so if you're a bit squeamish, I'm sorry. What I experienced should not have happened to anyone. If there is someone who suspects abuse. Don't hesitate to say something. I know it isn't always acted on, but don't ignore it.


Characters:

Here is where you introduce the characters in your story. It might start like this.
My story starts in (say the city and state) along Richbarn Road. It was a double wide trailer my grandmother had towed to her property so her daughter would be near her. (give me some idea of what this woman was like and how you felt about her) I wish I could say she was a lovely cookie baking woman, but that would be a lie. I learned abuse is passed from generation to generation. (You don't have to say much but give the reader a sense of foreshadowing)
There were four children and my mother occupying that house of horror.
(List the birth order and ages of the children, were any born while in the house or did you all move there with the trailer?) This gives a sense of the family dynamic.

Where there others that lived there? What was your mother like?
My mother was once a beautiful girl. She, was abused by(?) men she met? We don't know who our father was or where he (they) went. They were never a part of our lives. She would bathe and dress nice then head into town leaving us to care for ourselves. All in one room, with the door locked. That door had been cut in half like you see in a daycare. They are called dutch doors. We couldn't get out. We would play or fall asleep in that room. What ever food she had lying around was thrown at us. Left over pizza, condiments, and such. For the longest time Morton salt containers triggered (what? tell us), Brown sugar sickened me. (why? tells us) pickle pissed me off and Mountain Dew enraged me. (WHY WHY? what were these items in themselves innocent, the cause of such reactions.)I'll go into more detail when I tell you about our lives.
This is foreshadowing so the reader has all those questions but you are promising to tell details. They will keep turning the page until you do. If it gets too far and you don't fulfill that promise they will shut the book and toss it.

Suggestions:

My suggestion like the things I said above is to put in less detailed setting and more step up in the first chapter. You are an adult. Start with your overall purpose for writing this.
What you wrote isn't bad, it's just in the wrong place. It needs to be in maybe chapter 2 or so.
Chapter 1 is the introduction of the character, the goal and the setting.

I'm Donna, I'm (age) This is the story of my life.
I lived in (city, state, road) I have (#) of siblings, I'm the (state your birth order) While we all experienced the same thing, I don't speak for my siblings. They are free to tell their story.

Why are you writing this? What do you hope will happen when others read it?
This is a story of how I was abused from childhood, how it has been a part of my life and how I realized there needed to be a change, to break the cycle. Somethings will never go away, but learning to deal with it and confront the past helps when you move on.

The second half of this piece is a personal experience and I got no emotion from it. I got you telling me about the rooms but there is more going on and you didn't give it to the reader. It's too clinical. When you write this it should be put later in the story.

I'm going to paraphrase a portion and show you what I mean.
The trailer looked more rundown. When I lived here the paint was weathered, now it looked bleached. It almost shimmered. The way waves shimmer off asphalt in the summer heat. I blinked. It was gone, but the rundown trailer still stood there, mocking me. My mind slowly pulled the heavy curtain I'd painstakingly built away and I absorbed the picture and all that happened here.
My chest hurt and I realized my hand clutched the front of my shirt. The folds so tight in my fist I wondered if I'd ever be able to wash and iron them out. They were like the etched memories I was about to to revisit. My feet didn't move. They weren't listening to the order to take the steps to the porch.

(What is Vagus? I didn't get it. I looked it up and there was something about pictures and a nerve in the brain. This isn't a common word so you should either leave it out or explain the reference.)
My feet finally moved up the decking to the door. I shuddered and felt the inner shaking begin. Maybe I should leave. I shouldn't have come, this is far more painful than I thought. I turned away but determination to face that fear overcame the need to run and I put my hand on the door knob. Opening the door felt like the demon behind it waited to consume me.

Do you see how the emotion of the moment drags the reader along with you? They are feeling what you are feeling. You want that dread and fear you felt to be conveyed to the reader.


In conclusion:

I hope this helps you as you move forward. Look at what you've written after this and see if you can restart it and move things around to give the reader a more personal view of what you are SHOWING them, not telling them


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22
22
for entry "CHAPTER 26
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Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
DMT - THANK YOU WRITE.COM I'm going to do a line edit at first to show you what you're missing. You know I've read your chapters and I think you need a bit more story telling in this one.

The basic plot is moving along and you have a good handle of where you are going. You need to look at each chapter as if you are looking at a movie. Do the words on the paper translate to the picture the viewer is watching. Think about this as a script the actor is reading so he know what to do and how to act.


Jake sky-blue eyes with thick eyelashes fluttered as he opened them andwoke feeling the presence of another person in the room. He didn't move as he processed where he was. The memory of the night before, of Callore and falling asleep flooded his conscientiousness. He was in his bed. Moving his fingers he felt the fur covering him. Lifting his eyelid he could see someone sitting next to him and turned his head to the left. He spotted the general by his bedside. He moved to sit up but pain shot through his body and it took effort to push his body to a sitting position sat up, and groaned. "What time is it?" He asked the older man.

The general frowned and licked his moist thick lips. "It's time to leave, but I don't think you should come." He wrinkled his thin eyebrows and Jake saw circles around his heavy-lidded moss-green eyes. His usual hairy deep-brown skin seemed lighter there. It didn't take a doctor to see the General wasn't feeling all that well either. Around the edges of his mouth the skin seemed whiter than the rest of his pale face.

Jake tried to swing his legs out of bed but it took gargantuan effort. and stood. He swayed a little and held onto the older werewolf's arm. "I'm coming. Where's my clothes?"

The general shook his head. "You're not strong enough. Look at you, you can't even stand!"

The young 'pire shook his head and staggered to the big oak chest at the foot of his bunk. He opened it and shuddered at the sight of Jason's Guns and Roses t-shirt. You had so much more to give, my friend. "I'll be fine. Just give me a short time to dress and eat. I-I will meet you by the divided river in an hour." He gave a confidant smile to his leader.

The general threw his hairy hands in the air and muttered under his breath, "I tried." Pointing his finger at the Jake he started to say something more but turned and stormed out of the hut.

Jake sagged on the chest and took deep breaths to overcome the nausea and light headedness. He pulled his t-shirt over his head . His arm felt wincing at the stiff arm that still hurt like hell. He sat on the bed and put his jeans on. He stood up, exited the tent and walked through the valley. Once dressed he exercised his body bit by bit until he felt confident enough to walk outside without falling over.

His tent sat at the outer edge of the encampment. He walked down the incline feeling the wind whistle over the stones in the ravine. The blades of grass on the riverbed swayed to and fro. A bear cub ventured out of a cave across the ravine to Jake's right. It stopped, nose in the air then turned to gaze at him. The cub's silhouette appeared on the limestone walls behind him around the valley. A roar came from the cave and the cub turned to scamper back to towards his mother and safety. Jake sneezed in the morning light. at the dust the youngster left in his wake.

He spotted the General and jogged a little to meet up to him "Ready to go, sir."

"I still think we should come with you," said a familiar voice came from behind him.


Do you see how adding these bits to the scene bring the reader into the story more? I suggest using how I used words to paint the scene re edit the rest of this section and send me the link.

You did a good job with this first edit. I think you can do better. Don't be too quick to move your characters on their way. Show Callore's concern and play that up. He needs to prove he can continue. The fact you have him upright and moving after being almost at death's door needs explaining to the reader. How is this possible? Are we still talking about Adrian's elixir? If so I'd have him realize that's what had cured him and that he has to make up a story to cover Adrian's part.
That being said, if he's cured, then he'd be getting out of bed without feeling weak. He might have a bit of a headache and be nauseated but food would take care of that. So you might move him to meet the General at the food tent. He grabs food he can carry. bread and meat and exits the tent. He meets the General and Callore gives him a raised eyebrow at his recovery but says nothing other than she wants to go too.
The General says no, looks Jake over and nods at the recovery and they leave.
Now are they taking anything with them? Do they have provisions in a pack? Does the General carry anything with him like a staff for walking or special armor or weapons? What is he wearing? A Beatles Vest and T-Shirt? Give us an idea because I was thinking fur and leather until you said Jake saw a Guns-n-Roses T-shirt. Did he put it on? What shirt did he choose to wear with his jeans? What boots did he put on? Hiking boots or running shoes?
Give the reader a sense of what the General and Jake look like as they leave. Don't just describe it. Show what they are doing as they do it. Jake stops to tie his laces and Callore bends to adjust his backpack. "How so you really feel?"
"Fine. I think Adrian needs to make up more elixir." Jake winks as he stands. He run in place then sets off at a jog to keep pace with the long strides of the General.

Do you see how this shows the reader more about what's going.

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23
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Bubblegum Jones I was drawn to your story because the title and brief description.


Overall Impression

The story is fascinating. I love to read and watch paranormal events. I have my own ideas about what is happening. I'm not sure if my beliefs would or could change the outcome, but I wonder why they happen to some and not to others.
Your story, if written as a story would be quite interesting.

Setting:

I'm not sure if this location is in the Carolina's or more inland. You did a good job of setting up the background. The picture of the properties their location is well defined. It made it easier to follow the actions throughout the story.

Plot:

This story is fascinating. It was hard to follow at times due to the format and amount of backstory interspersed as you told it.
I loved reading it. I honestly think reworking it into a real story instead of you telling it would be a winner.

Characters:

Since this story is a non-fiction and you are personally involved it helps the reader to know more about you. I think I know your gender. Your characters in the story are real people who lived on the land in the past. Your telling of their relationship to the land, the house and now to the present owners makes this a tale worth repeating.

Suggestions:

I would like to rework this tale into a proper story. One that has your personal thoughts mixed in only as a character. One that tells the backstory then leads into what your daughter is experiencing today. It would make a sellable piece. I'd love to help you rewrite it.

In conclusion:

I found this story interesting. I'm a bit distanced from it as I don't believe ghosts are spirits of dead people. That's for another time. However the fact that it's happening cannot be discounted. I do believe the story to be a true account.

A super power image


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24
24
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear Bubblegum Jones

*Quill* What I liked about the story:
This was a set of three short stories based on two characters, Little Henry and Stinky. I thought the stories had moments of cuteness. There were one liners that made me smile and some that made me wince. (In a good way) They are well thought out stories.


*Quill* What is the goal of the main Character?
In each of the stories, Henry has a problem and Stinky seems to be the wiser of the two helps him solve or at least understand his thought process


*Quill* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal?
Little Henry works at a Widget factory. His escapades and processes confound and amuse his co-worker(s) I'm not sure that's his intent but it is the writer's.


*Quill* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?
The stories are full of conflict. Some self-imposed and others are at his expense. The writer uses this format to give the readers a glimpse into the dry humor we all enjoy reading or hearing.
There were moments I could almost intone the story to tell it aloud.


*Quill* Resolution:
There isn't any. This is an on going piece to delight the reader. I'm sure this isn't the intent, but I could see this printed in a booklet form and sold to restaurants and put in my bathroom.


*Quill* Do the characters develop in this story?
We see a lot of Little Henry develop in his comments and thought processes. Poor Stinky is relegated to the straight man role. You need both to have relatable characters. They have developed even though we can't see them. They are just names that speak. Talking heads.



*Quill* What do I think needs work:
There are only a couple of things I think you might address. One is format. I had a hard time tracking the dialogue when it's run all in one paragraph.
Each person gets their own line when they speak. This makes following the story easier. I had to back track a few times to keep track of who said what.
The other thing is developing Little Henry and Stinky. You may have described them in the first or second book, but since these are stand alone stories, you should include more of their looks. You did a great job describing Little Henry with his long, dyed hair. This could extend to Stinky so we get a good picture in our mind of these two and their world.



My PDG Skeeter Sig


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25
25
for entry "CHAPTER 25
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear DMT - THANK YOU WRITE.COM

*Quill* What I liked about the story:
This gives the reader a little more insight to Adrian and the two main characters. It adds a rise of action toward the ending. There is foreshadowing of things to come.


*Quill* What is the goal of the main Character?
They discuss the up and coming trip


*Quill* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal?
There is a death in the family and they discuss the trip through enemy territory.


*Quill* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?
You told the reader about the death and the consequences of that. It needs to have more of a rise to the climax of this chapter so the reader will want to know the outcome in the next chapter.



*Quill* What do I think needs work:
Callore stood up and put the bottle into her pocket. "He was going to die anyway. At least this way, he has a chance." Do you want this to sound harsh and uncaring? Her reaction when Jake talks makes this comment seem out of character.
Jake twitched. He jumped around in the bed, sat up and fell backwards. His head hit the pillow and his tongue popped out and flopped to one side of his face. This picture made me laugh. I'm sorry. Maybe you should adjust it to something like: Jake's body twitched, then began to convulse. His back arched with only his head and buttocks touching the bed. Callore ran to him wringing her hands, "What have I done?" Tears ran down her cheeks.
Adrian pressed his body back to the bed and felt his damp forehead. "Wait. He's not in a fever."
They watched as Jake's body calmed and the violent jerking stopped. They both took a deep breath and let it out, then Callore laid on top of him and hugged him.
Jake's eyes fluttered a few times then opened. He blinked hard and looked around the room.
"What happened?" He tried to move but Callore held him. "I can't move! Am I paralyzed?" His voice rose in fear.
Adrian press his hand on Jake's shoulder. "Get off him Callore' Jake you're not paralyzed. How do you feel? Do you have any pain? How's your stomach? Okay, let me help you sit up."
Jake looks at Callore' now scrubbing the tears from her face. "Why are you crying?"
I think this was a funny section. Was it meant to be funny or serious? It is nice to make the first part serious and intense as they think they may have killed him. Draw this part out longer with worry. Adrian and Callore can talk back and forth. Adrian accuses her of killing Jake. She is feeling bad, but believed that the potion Adrian made would work. (Show she believes in him) Then when it looks like all is lost when Jake has convulsions. He wakes up and you can add a bit of his levity here to calm the reader and bring the intensity down a bit.

Jake laughed and untangled himself. "Don't, we have company."
Adrian bowed. "I will inform the general of your recovery." He turned as the general and Eva entered the facility.

This needs more. Why did Adrian bow to Jake when he said we have company/ Did Jake see them approaching? fine. say so.
Why did Adrian respond so formally? He didn't see the General, he is friends with Jake and Callore. This action seems out of place without a reason for it. Adrian seems to jump from friend (casual) to Formal. I know there is a time and place for each action, but a reason for it is needed.
General's reaction. He can be surprised, but needs to say. "How is this true? Was I lied to? I was told the boy was at death's door. I expected him to be flat on his back and some medicine man bleeding him dry with leeches. (my thoughts) I arrive and find instead of calling the priest, I should tell the cook to bring out the best dinner." He needs to sound incredulous, confused, and happy all at the same time.
Every other chapter it seems tit for tat. You kill one of mine, I kill one of yours and so on. This isn't a rise of action leading to a climax of action at the end. You might want to rethink this and taper it to the next chapter. They might discuss what happened. Jake gives the General the news and describes the action and what lead to him being sick. When the General asks about how he came to be alive. They all rush in with a story. All are different and the General holds up his hand. "Maybe it's better I don't know the truth." He raises his eyebrow. He knows they are lying but the outcome is what he accepts so he's not going to question how.

"He wants to show the werewolf chief(give him a name) that 'pires and all those associated with them are the cause of this war. If he can get the werewolves on his side, his army will grow and we won't stand a chance of winning this war, "Adrian piped up.
How does Adrian know this and how would he have the "guts" to speak up. He might have spoke out loud his thoughts then both Jake and the General look at him and he becomes afraid he's overstepped and will be killed for it. They both wave his fear aside and ask him to repeat what he said. He does.
"Why do you think that?" The general leans forward in interest, resting his arm on his knee.
Adrian hesitates then say something like he wants power and land. If he can get the Were's and the 'pires to kill each other, his army will be the stronger one."
The general gives a snort. "He dreams about it but it will never happen. " (We'd say In your dreams!)
Why is The General's father (the Chief) giving them safe passage? What is in it for him? Does he want Ella dead to? Why? Explain this to Jake (and the reader)

Maybe Jake tells the General to be careful it could be an ambush. The Chief may have made a deal with other side? The General doesn't believe it.

"Adrian, how did I recover so quickly?"tag this.
As Adrian moves toward the tent flap Jake's brown furrows. "Adrian, how did I recover so quickly? I remember being in a daze. I was sick and then the the soldiers carried me here. I don't remember much and I felt too sick to even call for help."
Adrian, gave a weak smile. "I'm not sure, Sir. Maybe a little bit of magic?" He shrugged and stepped out into the cool night air.




My PDG Skeeter Sig


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