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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/thekindred
Review Requests: ON
1,477 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a form I use for reviews. I look for a Goal, Motivation, Conflict and Resolution. It also allows me to tell what I liked and what I thinks needs improving. In my reviews I may make suggestions by adding my take on what the author is trying to say. Purely a suggestion to take or leave as needed.
I'm good at...
Giving in depth and fair reviews. I usually review stories that interest me. I don't always like them but they have promise and potential. I am fair but I AM reviewing. I do not review grammar or spelling. I do point out past and present tenses as well as the over use of WAS, WENT, THE and THAT in one story so watch those.
Favorite Genres
inspirational, mystery,action/Adventure, paranormal and anything that falls into those broad genre, some fantasy and comedy
Least Favorite Genres
Vampires,YA or adult. This genre is overrated and unless you write much better than Steph Meyer, I probably won't read it. Most Non-fiction unless the premise interest me. Always worth an ask.
Favorite Item Types
Everything in the STATIC file except the ones listed below: Look down
Least Favorite Item Types
Appendix, bulletin, campfire, in n out, editorial,letter/memo, lyrics, outline, preface, script/play, Poetry.
I will not review...
Poetry. I don't understand this style and don't feel confident to review it. Novel or novella, I reserve the right to refuse to review. Not to hurt feelings, but time wise it may be something I can't give good attention to, but always ask.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Family Matters  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Victor L. Rolling Jr. 040

I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group."


Overall Review: I Loved the story. It held my interest all the way through. Your characters were realistic and lively.

What is the goal or purpose? Donovan is tired of his ghostly parents trying to derail his new love.

Is there a motivation? He wants to be with his love and become a family. He feels with Walter he can create a new family that his parents have denounced.

What are the conflicts? Donovan and Walter are gay. This is against the parent's belief and they are terrorizing the two even in their death. It has caused too much friction in Donovan's life as he sees them.

What I Liked: I like the emotion and the story line. I liked the ending. It was happy.

What Needs Work: There ae times I had trouble following who was speaking and what was happening. I suggest you call them mom and dad and not their names. Read it over and see where there needs a little more description.
Last of all ghosts don't move around a house like they are alive. You depicted them as actual human beings. They need to be recognized by the reader as ghosts. How do ghosts react. Even in Beetlejuice there are things ghosts can and can't do.



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2
2
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello (insert user)

I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"


Overall Review: I liked the story. I think you did a good job of giving the characters a voice and showing the era difference. You have good dialogue that was easy to follow. You followed the Goal, Motivation, and conflict format easily. Good job.




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3
3
Review of THE FRONT  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Bob

I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group."


Overall Review:
I liked your idea and the general plot idea. I didn't get this as a story, but more like something you'd like to develop. I think it's worth working on.


What is the goal or purpose? I realized her goal was to work in the fashion business. I don't know what is involved, but I don't think it's that easy. This could develop into the conflict you need to make this into a longer piece.


Is there a motivation? You are subtle about this. Her living on the other side of the tracks, living a false life at school. Good work.

What are the conflicts? Not much here. You need to develop this a bit more. This piece had no story, it was more and idea.

What I Liked: I like the plot. I'm a sucker for the less fortunate making it to their goal by working hard and developing their talent. (sorry I overused that word)

What Needs Work: As I said this needs to be made into a longer story with more angst in it.


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4
4
for entry "Chapter 3
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear Hazy Storms

*Quill* What I liked about the story:
We have two more characters.

*Quill* What is the goal of the main Character?
This gaol is two officers who have to tell the remaining daughter her mom and sister can't be found.

*Quill* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? They feel sorry for the girl

*Quill* What conflicts or situations are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? you don't have any conflict. Nothing happens here.



*Quill* Do the characters develop in this story?
Vixen and her partner don't add anything to the story the reader doesn't already know. We know they disappeared. Now, what are you going to do about it?
I suggest you don't name the officers yet. Keep them anonymous.
Two officers show up and question Sophie. They ask her what happened? They ask the boy (if you add him) what he saw? (nothing he was mowing out front) So it's her word. The officers whisper and then ask the Innkeeper if she saw the two arrive at the Inn. Sophie stomps her foot. "How did I get here if my mom didn't drive me? How did the car get here? How about our suitcases?" The officers might ask to see their rooms.

Now Haley, what happens next? Is this Sophie's story or are you going to stop with Sophie and continue the rest of the story from Audrey's point of view? She needs to find her mother. She needs to explore the setting she's in. What is here that will help her.

You have to have the reason they were kidnapped told here. One of them must be taken to the "leader" where she has to do something, or get something before she can return. Think of Aladdin. He had to get the lamp and return it to Jafar. What is the quest in your story? Here is where that quest is told.
In Aladdin, he meets the princess, then Jafar then he has his quest, to get the princess.
What is the goal your Character must achieve? Why? What's at stake? Maybe she has to get something or she won't see her mother or sister. That is her goal and motivation. Now you can throw all kinds of conflicts at her to make it hard to achieve her goal.


Haley, I hope I have helped you. I know this is a lot to take in. Remember Goal, Motivation, and conflict. That is the skeleton to hang your story on.



*Quill* What do I think needs work:



My PDG Skeeter Sig


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5
5
for entry "Chapter Two
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Dear Hazy Storms

*Quill* What I liked about the story:
This one needs more work.



* Sophie is frozen in place as she sees her mother and sister disappear. This is the beginning of chapter 2 What happens to Sophie since her mother and sister disappear. She runs around the Inn to the door inside. Maybe she runs into the boy. (He could be her helper through the story) They tell his mom, who runs the Inn. Now Haley, What is her reaction? Does she know there is something weird happening at her Inn? When she calls the police maybe she tries to tell them the two might have gone for a walk. Maybe Haley didn't really see what she thought she saw. "Does anyone really disappear?" Her son is surprised at the way his mother is acting too.
Now add a couple of spaces so we know the setting is changed. We are with mom and Audrey.


*Quill* What is the goal of the main Character?
There isn't any goal here. You need to make Mom's goal to protect her daughter while they look for a way to get out.
The angel, who is it? is it good or bad? you need to give a hint. It may not have a reaction but why would it take the mom and not the girl. You need to restate the goal. Why is mom at the Inn? Why did she choose to come here? Maybe she won a free week Did she sign up for it? Now she might wonder if there was something evil in the gift.

*Quill* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Again we need to show what keeps her moving toward her goal.

*Quill* What conflicts or situations are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?
Now mom's goal has changed. She's holding on to Audrey. The Angel might show her power by separating Carolyn from Audrey. Mom screams trying to get to her feet to get back to Audrey, but in a flash of light Mom is gone.

Audrey's reaction doesn't match the situation. She would be scared, crying for her mom, what does she SEE around her at this moment? She is looking for something to help her find her mom. What does she smell? or feel? You can have her curl in a ball and start crying and end the scene there. I suggest you end with another Flash of light, but don't tell the reader what appears.


*Quill* What do I think needs work:



My PDG Skeeter Sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
for entry "Chapter One
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear Hazy Storms

*Quill* What I liked about the story:
I love a good mystery. Yours has certainly started out with a bang.
I am going, to be honest. As a beginning writer, I wish had all the help you have available to you here on Wdc. Please read the critiques. They aren't meant to hurt but to help. They may sound harsh at first, but the more you work your story the better they will be and you'll be prouder for doing it. Are you writing for 13 yr olds who love mysteries?

*Quill* What is the goal of the Main Character?
I'm not sure what your goal is. The chapter is too short. You have a scene here that needs some work on it to make it longer.
Who is your main character? Carolyn, Audrey, or Sophie? This will determine who is going to be telling the story. Right now the reader knows everything in everyone's head. You need to keep it to one person's point of view.

*Quill* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Since Carolyn and Audrey have disappeared, I assume Sophie will be the main Character while she looks for the other two. This may change when I read chapters 2 and 3

*Quill* What conflicts or situations are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?
Right now we have a set up of a mom and two daughters arriving at an Inn then the mom and one daughter disappear. You've done well here and I have no problem with your story so far.

*Quill* Do the characters develop in this story?
No. Here is the problem. You need to get your readers to love your characters and root for them. If they don't care what happens to them, they will put the book down and not pick it up. Why do I care if mom and daughter disappear?


*Quill* What do I think needs work:

Mom and girls arrive. Show this.
Why are they here? What do the girls think of staying at an Inn? There are lots of things you didn't tell the reader.
I'm going to make up something and you use it as a sample to rewrite this first section.

Sophia stared out the window watching the scenery pass in a blur. There were cows in one field and for sure she thought she saw some llama's in another. Llamas would be fun to have as a pet.
"Mom," Audrey wailed. "When are we going to get there? I'm tired of this game." She tossed her tablet onto the seat next to Sophie.

"Girls, we'll be there in less than thirty minutes. We can get our suitcases to our room then get a bite to eat at the restaurant next door. I know you're going to love this place there are lots of things to do."

Audrey gave another sigh and poked her finger at Sophia who glared at her in return. "I didn't want to come here during spring break. All my friends were going to the beach not to some dumb old Inn far away from any fun."

"I'm not even sure this place has wifi." Sophie didn't look at her sister's reaction. She was lying. She'd read the brochure her mother had given them. She knew Audrey didn't.
"What! No wifi? Mother tell me she's lying."
Sophie took a quick look at the rearview mirror. She could see her mother's eyes squint in a smile.
The rest of the trip was silent and Audrey glared at Sophie.
"We're here girls. Come and help me take our things to our rooms." Her mother called as she popped the trunk.

(Insert what the girls saw. Describe the Inn. Was it horrible or nice?) Maybe Audrey sees a boy riding a lawnmower and gets out with a smile on her face. Maybe Sophie sees a playset in the backyard and wonders if it's safe to swing on.

In their rooms, they can talk about what the room looks like, bounce on the bed, fight over who is going to sleep on which bed.

Use your own experiences with your siblings to help the reader like the girls.
Then mom reminds them there are more boxes to bring up.
That's when Audrey sees the swings. She tells Sophie she's going to try them out before they go to dinner.
Sophie sees the swings from her bedroom window. There's something odd about the way they are moving. Describe how they might swing.
Then she sees Audrey run out to swing. Sophie leaves the room to help her mother.
Outside she picks up the last box and hurries back up the stairs, but hears her mother scream her name.
The sound isn't like she's calling them to dinner. Something is wrong. She drops the box on the stairs and jumps down the stairs two at a time.

END OF CHAPTER. You end here because you have HOOKED the reader to turn the page to find out what happens next.


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7
7
Review of Life and Death  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear BlakeFran3

*Quill* What I liked about the story:
I loved the title. I loved the first two paragraphs about baseball. I have enjoyed baseball and understand the game. You have the ability to string together words that sound good when read. However, most of the sentences that fill the large paragraphs do not explain the basic concept.

*Quill* What is the goal of this piece?
I accepted the request because I wanted to understand your perspective on life and death. What I read didn't answer the basic question. What do you believe?

*Quill* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? I didn't get the motivation of this piece. You understand that through giving, charity, and generosity, you will receive. This is a sample of the incomplete sentence and concept example.
The value is not in hoarding up for yourself, but rather hoarding and then giving to those in need. The word hoarding is to stockpile or amass something. Usually used as a negative verb. This is a good sentence. What does it have to do with life or death?

*Quill* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?
You list many conflicts in this piece. Many are opposite examples and some are the same. Most of the examples don't have a resolution or give hope or define no hope for the reader.

*Quill* Resolution: The ultimate purpose of traveling is to die and then be reborn again while we are still in the yellow wood, while we are still traveling. This totally confused me.
but it's the single most important and rewarding adventure we can have while here, in the material world. What was this? what is the most rewarding adventure? to die or do you mean live?
It's a harrowing defeat of all that we thought we were, all that held us back, What was defeated?

*Quill* What do I think needs work:
While you have great ability to put words together, the average reader will be lost to the point you want to make. I wish I could have understood your explanation. I'm sure you see what you want to see, but it was lost on me.
I suggest you might make a bullet point piece. What is your belief in death? What is your belief on the hereafter? What is your definition of free-will and its place in each person's life?



My PDG Skeeter Sig


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8
8
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello Elby Wordsmith My name is Quick-Quill and I'm responding to your request for a review of "My Life Philosophy/(the Greatest Prank)

*DropR*Title I wasn't impressed with this title after reading what you write. I think I'd like it to be; My Greatest Prank Against the Government

*Dropr* BeginningI wasn't sure where you were going at the beginning? It provoked a small smile from me as I'm not that far behind you in years.

*Dropr* Setting I get that you are in Canada. Things must be different there. I didn't understand why living a looong life would mean you have to default your pensions.

*Dropr* Characters This would be about the author which you've told us you are 74 year old. Your life has been a long one and a good one. I do get you have a sense of humor and are willing to laugh at your own expense.

*Dropr* Goal To live to 153 is quite a feat. Since no one since the Old Testament has reached that age, it will take a bit of health care and some perpetuity.

*Dropr* Motivation Here is where I didn't understand your desire to live a long life except to thwart the government. I'd like a little deeper motivation. You mention the connection to people and the least of all a sex life. These both seem out of place for someone wanting to live this many years past the expectation of life.

*Dropr* Conflict None expect that that long of life comes with it's own conflicts.

*Dropr* What I liked This was a great idea and I'd love to see it expanded.

*Dropr* My SuggestionsYour formant needs some work.
1) You started two paragraphs with the same word. Change that and rework where you have used the word, WAS. Don't start a sentence with the word BUT.
2) You add emotion to the piece by telling people what to do, If you have written something funny people will laugh or grin. If not, it wasn't funny.
3) I suggest you elaborate on what the effect is by putting a fake date on your tombstone. What are the drawbacks? Some people cant' add? They don't get it? Who would look it up to see what your read death is? This isn't like the tombstones with funny epitaphs on them

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9
9
Review of "My pleasure."  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Dear PrudhviRaj12

*Quill* What I liked about the story: This sounds like a story passed down in a community then honored with the engravings.


*Quill* What is the goal of the main Character? I'm not sure what the goal of the main character is, unless it's just to connect with her mother she lost.


*Quill* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? There again I'm not sure her motivation, but grief has its own motivation.


*Quill* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? The main character has had her own reverie broken by the spirit in the lake.


*Quill* Resolution: The main character has been given peace and a admonition to continue the tradition.


*Quill* Do the characters develop in this story? Not really the story is too short.



*Quill* What do I think needs work: What strikes me first is the overuse of WAS! It detracts from the story and doesn't give the reader a full connection.
t was pitch dark - twenty-three year old Leia had always been a brave woman. She was wearing a light orange, knee length skirt, and a slate colored, high collared, blouse. She was leaning, looking at the lake, which felt as though it filled her two eyes with all the waters of the earth. The time was two in the morning and the moon was full, brimming with light, casting shadows from the branches of the trees around. The reflection of the moon was in the water and Leia, not understanding how to start, threw a tiny rock into the reflection- causing the water to ripple in such a way as the face of an older man appeared in it, though too far away to notice.

Count how many times you use this word in this one paragraph. I suggest you reword all the places you use it unless there is no other way to say it. Here's an example:
As woman of twenty-three years old, Leia acted with bravery. Looking at the lake in the moonlight, she fingered her skirt holding it still against her body as she made her way to the shoreline of the lake. (unless this is part of the requirement leave the description out, it doesn't move the story) From the position of the moon, she knew it to be about two in the morning.
The reflection of the moonlight on the water felt undisturbed. She picked up a smooth stone and threw it into the lake causing ripples. For a moment she thought she saw the ripples coalesce into the face of an old man. She blinked and it disappeared.
If the ripples were too far away she wouldn't see the old man's reflection so what you wrote countered what you tried to say.
Go back through and rework the story to take out the many times you've used WAS and WERE.




My PDG Skeeter Sig


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10
10
Review of A New Dawn Ch.1  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello riajin-ryu0 My name is Quick-Quill and I'm responding to your request for a review of "A New Dawn Ch.1

*DropR*Title A New Dawn- A good start.

*Dropr* Beginning You give a good introduction of the characters.

*Dropr* Setting I'm not exactly sure of the setting for this story. I'd like more information as to the setting. I think this is a fantasy with Witches and Warlocks.

*Dropr* Characters You introduce us to a set of twins. They both have magical abilities, but they aren't detailed.

*Dropr* Goal There weren't any ultimate goal. You need to let the reader know what the main character ultimately wants. This will drive the story.

*Dropr* MotivationThis is in conjunction with Goal. Why do they want the goal? All through the story there is an underlying reason for the main character to keep going. Think of Wizard of Oz. What is Dorothy's goal? To get home WHY? She doesn't want to disappoint her Aunt and Uncle who love her.

*Dropr* Conflict You have a good conflict in a duel. However, it doesn't go anywhere. Somewhere in this first chapter, you need to have that moment where your main character is called to action. He knows he must use his gift to win a challenge
You need to have him deny or question the call. Then he decides to do it at any cost. This is all conflict.

*Dropr* The Plot I don't know the plot from this chapter

*Dropr* What I likedI like paranormal stories. I liked there are two magic's in the story.

*Dropr* My Suggestions Most "witches" are women. The male version of a witch is a Warlock. When your readers see witch they think female and then get confused when you tell them it's a man.
You don't have a true Point of View. Are you telling the story? Is your character telling the story? Decide and keep to that POV.
You might start by stating the goal. what does your main character want? To be a great Witch/Warlock? Why? He needs to say to protect his family from a rival family. When you tell the reader the goal and the why they begin to care for the character. As they endure conflict after conflict, the reader toots for them to win in the end.




My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!


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11
11
Review of Time Traveler  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Queen NormaJean II GreenEyes

I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group, Ghostly Hallows Raid."


Overall Review: Hooked my interest and held it all the way to the end. I was disappointed at the end, it was too short

What is the goal or purpose? What a hook. Someone appeared in her car and said they were from the future. You kept the dialogue tight as you were writing for a contest with a word count limit. I would love for you to revisit this and expand the story.

Is there a motivation?Wouldn't any of us want to know what's in our future? It's an obvious question. If you choose to expand this, I suggest you word this with a little more intensity. "What's going to happen to me? What's going to happen to my family(husband, kids, mom,dad)? Whatever you include will give the reader a bit of background. What is she were on the way to visit her sick (fill in any of the above) and want to know their future? This is motivation.

What are the conflicts? Now you excelled here. You give us the setting which is a conflict. You tell us the car slid to a stop off the road. What if you have her sliding on the slick road and landing in a ditch or stuck in the mud of the shoulder? You have heavy rain and her stopped. What if she demands to know the future and needs help to get her out of the situation?

What I Liked: I just like the story. As you can tell I went off the deep end thinking how this would make a great scary Halloween story or even a tear jerker story....

What Needs Work: Nothing other than what I mentioned above. I hope you have another go at this story.


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12
12
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Ned

I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group, Ghostly Hallows Raid."


Overall Review: I was hooked at the beginning and it carried me through to the end. I like a good ghost story especially when I'm not quite sure how it's going to end.

What is the goal or purpose? Our hero must spend a full night in his aunt's house to recieve the in heiritance. Simple it seems but as a good writer knows, nothing can be that simple.

Is there a motivation? The money that will be his. He won't have to work for the rest of his life.

What are the conflicts? There seems to be just one. He says he doesn't believe in ghosts and the one there is determined to change that.

What I Liked: The pace of the story. It was a short story that could be extended. This story gave showed the reader hte character of the main character. His arrogance and assured attitude that a ghost won't scare him.

What Needs Work: I felt the ending fell flat. You lead the reader to expect him to not believe in ghosts. Yet when faced with a ghost he doesn't have much of a reaction. He taunts the ghost but she forces him to kiss her and he has no reaction. He feels he is pulled against his will, but he doesn't react. From the time she speaks there needs to be an escalation of conflict to the point he is forced to make a decision to run. Why would a man with this type of character give up money without a fight? I wanted more conflict between him and the Aunt.


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13
13
Review of The Dinner Party  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Write-fully Loti

I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group, Ghostly Hallows Raid."


Overall Review: This story had interesting characters and incidents that happened to the two woman who visit, uninvited to a dinner party.

What is the goal or purpose? At the beginning we find two friends on their way home. I liked that you gave them unique hair. Neither was grey. While their goal was home, that was sidelined by a fellow bus passenger.

Is there a motivation? I missed the why. Why would these women change their habit to go to a dinner they hadn't been invited to. While that is a question, this is a paranormal story. A reader might expect something supernatural.

What are the conflicts? There wasn't any conflict, but there were observations that cause one of the main characters to question her eyesight. There was an abrupt exit of the second character. What happened? Why did she leave? Good use of a conflict without having an argument.

What I Liked: It was a great story and far to short for me. I wanted more. It gave me a taste of three characters that pequed my interest.

What Needs Work: The use of was, were, went made reading this bumpy for me. I suggest you take the time to look over your writing and delete, rewrite and reword sentences that have those words in them. Only use when you can't use another sentence.


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14
14
Review of I, Data  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with Group ~ Reviewing with River  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello {user: } I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.


what was the goal if the main character?
The goal of this story is lost on me. It was an interesting moment in time with no real purpose.

What motivates the main character?
I wonder what the author intends to happen. I have one specific assumption, of course. After all, although I am an android, my father, Dr. Noonian Soong—who should never be confused with Khan Noonien Singh, an entirely different character and one who will be forever remembered as among the gravest threats to the Federation (second only to the Romulans, in my opinion)—had created me to be fully functional and programmed in multiple techniques, a broad variety of pleasuring. I wonder if this is the motivation for this story. I'm not sure but it seemed plausible.

What conflicts occur
When the Dr gave him the directive to run when they get to the bedroom, he didn't run. There may have been a point he wanted the scene to continue.


My over all thoughts
I liked the story in itself. It didn't qualify or fit my format but it was interesting and well written.




Reviewed by Journey Through the Genres Judge
My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!




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15
15
Review of Musical Treasure  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with Group ~ Reviewing with River  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello 💙 Carly - BLUE!!💙 I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.


what was the goal if the main character?

There are two main characters here. You have given them both equal bill and did a good job of it.
Needing to get out and away from the crush of fans and other crazies, Alessia Cara had slipped out; leaving her entourage to fend for itself. She walked the trails down to the lake, taking care to watch out for bears that she was told liked to wander around this area. No sense attracting that kind of attention. Motivation of Alessia

Dani arrived early so that she could put her guitar in the back for later. If it wasn't too crazy, maybe her boss would let her perform tonight. It was Tuesday, usually a slow night, but the open mic event had been drawing in a crowd.
This looks like Dani's goal.

What motivates the main character? Both of these characters are musical ad they have a connection the author wants you to read on to discover.


What conflicts occur
You have given two great conflicts here. They aren't insurmountable, however there is a possibility one or the other might not move on to make this connection happen. There is only a hint of it.


My over all thoughts

I liked the idea of this story. I didn't know who Alessia was and looked her up so I could connect with the story. You did an excellent job of bringing these two together. It could have used a little more conflict or "Will it happen? what if it doesn't?" That being said there was an inference.


Reviewed by Journey Through the Genres Judge
My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!




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16
16
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Chris24 I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.


what was the goal if the main character?
To stay retired. That was basically it. He seems to be called out of hibernation which he resistists. I liked that he tells Zuria no but she pulls out a trump card

What motivates the main character?
This is pretty basic concept. The world is coming to an end and you are the only one that can save us. He still isn't motivated to help because he's lost what mattered to him.

What conflicts occur
There aren't any conflicts. I would have liked to see before Zuria shows up he is pressured and almost taken hostage to save them. But that isn't your story so he just has a conversation.

My over all thoughts
I liked your story. However some small things bothered me. Check your use of SO. This is something we say when we can't think of the right words.
Also the over use of THE. When you cut these words you have to rewrite the sentences and most times they are better.
Then the goal is repeated. To conserve word count it would have been nice to focus on what they want from him, his resistance and then up the game with the imminent annihilation and lastly the trump card, Maggie.




Reviewed by Journey Through the Genres Judge
My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!




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17
17
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello Mara ♣ McBain I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.

I especially like the way you used these descriptions

A ratty plaid shirt and cut-offs had never looked so good. Maybe it was the long, tanned legs hanging out below. His brows lifted in recognition. So did parts south of the belt buckle. Any way you looked at it, she was a sight for sore eyes.

There weren’t too many men that would argue. When she’d left Montana for the runways of Milan, she hadn’t looked back. Her best friend, Evelyn, had been just as shellshocked as John. They’d ended up comforting one another all the way to the altar.

I like this bit of conversation

This could be so good for both of us, John. Marry me and get an infusion of cash so you can continue to protect the Yellowstone. Quit beating your head against a brick wall. Have someone in your corner. Someone to talk to and wrap around at night.”

My over all thoughts

Cyn leaned in, her lips playing over his in the barest caress. “Because I know you, John Dutton. Now, come on.”

Some of the weight lifted as he followed. Sometimes it felt good to be told what to do.


This is a good way to end the story.

Reviewed by Journey Through the Genres Judge
My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!




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18
18
Review of Bond's Last Stand  
Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Odessa Molinari I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.

what was the goal if the main character?
I liked this story about an older James Bond. You gave him a purpose to save himself.


What motivates the main character?
James' isn't so old that he can't defend himself. I liked that he still had some gadgets available. I wondered about him moving. Ms Joy had to put him to bed but he seemed to be able to get out of bed. I would have liked to have that addressed. Was his inability a fake just to get a face rub? (wink)


What conflicts occur
You gave the reader a great piece of action that I loved. He went out in a blaze of glory.


My over all thoughts

I enjoyed reading this piece. I read all of Ian Flemming's books as a teenager, and watched a few of the movies. You kept true to the concept and intention of the story.

My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!

This is a Journey through the Genres Contest






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19
19
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Bryce Raffle This is response to your request for a critique.


Overall Impression

I liked the premise of the story. I love a good ghost story. I loved the series Ghost Whisperer and Sixth Sense. The overall story is intriguing once I got to the bottom of the chapter.

Setting:
I didn't get an overall sense of the era or place at the beginning. The names are old and the references are old 1700-1800 England. Because most people are going to go that route, I'd suggest you give the reader a firm setting at the beginning. Show an object in the room or something that sets the time and place. Even if it's something like She struck the flint to light the candle.
It isn't until the end that we get there are horse and carts in Trafalgar Sq, England. Little clues inserted before helps the reader get a sense of the setting, not just bodies moving around on a blank screen.


Plot:
I like that you give the situation in the beginning. Not like Sixth Sense where we have to go through the movie wondering what was going on. You tell the reader up front this is going to be about solving a murder. Who the subject is and how the MC finds out about it.
I didn't get Evelyn's motivation. Why does she talk to dead people? I sighed. I was going to be late for work again.
With a wayward glance back at Pickwick’s break fast, I set off after the ghost.
Why? here is a good place to insert a little thought. Instead of saying she couldn't scream at every ghost. How about something about her past experiences? Standing at the top of the stairs we stared at each other and and I sighed. There had been other's like her. I'd seen them since I was a child. they no longer scared me, but their appearance often surprised me. This wasn't the normal ghostly apparition but stood there in a full form. Then describe her appearance.



Characters:

I like Evelyn. She seems a woman with a purpose. Then you gave me a and odd reaction. She sobbed. This isn't the reaction I would attribute to Evelyn. She seemed to have a stronger constitution and this put me off. Having compassion is not the same as crying. After looking up and down the street where no one took notice of the girl I looked at her again. She was indeed a ghost. She didn't move when I approached the curb. Her eyes locked with mine and I felt her need. The one that called me to her. "What do you want? What happened to you?" I knew she couldn't talk, but I thought maybe we could converse in telepathy. I'd never done it before but it could be a first. You wrote Evelyn didn't expect an answer. Then why did she ask the question? Without any hand motion she turned her body and moved away. I looked at the sidewalk that now filled with the morning commuters. I had to get to work. She stood in the middle of the road. Her look of impatience moved me to turn and follow her. Cars and pedestrians passed through her and she didn't register their journey. then add the journey through the market. Here again I wasn't sure of the era. There are markets in places today, at this point of the story.

We have two characters and since this is the beginning chapter we don't need to know everything about them. I would leave all the back story with Mr. Pickwick until later since this is a dream sequence. In dreams the action moves the dream. I do go off on tangents in a dream but not like that. I'm a writer and details can distract me. I rarely get back on the same tract until the next night.
Here's another thing to think about. Who is your audience? Women I'm guessing for the most part. Then they want to know what she's wearing. Below I give a suggestion of where to start. If you do that, then when she's in her room, have her dress in what women would wear.
From my wardrobe I took my black work dress from its hook and gave it a good shake, hoping the wrinkles from its hanging overnight disappeared. Once on I button the front to the small white collar and tie the ribbon around the neck arranging the tails to lay flat, still showing under the collar points. The mirror reflected my brown hair pulled to a knot at the nape of my neck, the body of a (insert age) woman with a trim waist and slim hips hidden beneath the folds of the skirt. Giving a shake of my shoulders, lifting my chin and spinning on the heels of my boots, I headed to the stairs and the break fast I could smell wafting to my room. This is just a suggestion of how to show the reader who Evelyn is. A strong woman, not afraid of her dreams and still a bit unsure of the life ahead. She seems to want to face it head on.

Suggestions:
What I didn't care for was the detail in the dream sequence then having to do the same thing all over.
My suggestion is to start with her waking. Then having a bit of trouble remembering exact details of the dreams. Something about monkeys. She struggles to recreate that part as she dresses, looking into the mirror combing her hair, she might remember the girl's hair, her mouth sewn shut. She bares her teeth at the mirror. I'm glad my lips aren't sewn. When she goes down stairs she greets Mr. Pickwick. You don't need to explain their relationship at this time. other than to mention he is her surrogate father figure. I'd also wait until later to talk about the photo.

Then as she has the conversation with Mr. P she gets a sense of impatience. Thinking about the girl in the dream she steps onto the porch and there she is, just as she was in the dream. Then she follows her to the museum. When she sees the monkey in the palm the rest of the dream floods into her mind. She might reel from the memory and the details flood her mind. Now what? The dream gave no clues as to what happened. My question to you is why did she have a dream that gives no details but she sees a ghost. Suggestion. Leave the monkey out of the dream since there isn't any connection to the murder. If you want to have a clue in the dream give it an obscure place. See a hand putting it there. See her hand grasping it from someone or something that lends to the fact it's important to WHAT?
Here is where you can leave the reader with a hook to turn the page. She might remember there were two other monkeys. Where are they? What do the monkeys have to do with a dead girl? (turn the page to find out)

This way the reader isn't back tracking. The flow pulls the reader to follow the ghost to find what happened to her. The reader is on the same journey as Evelyn.

So remember when you do any rewriting. She gets a call to action (from her dream) She is curious. Then sees the object of her dream on the street the same as the dream. She might ignore it at first (from the top step) Refuse the call. Now is where to tell the reader her motivation. Why does she follow the girl? She Answers the call. She sees the scene and the clue of the monkey.

In conclusion:

I'm anxious to read on. I want to know how Evelyn interacts with the ghost and how you will present the clues of what happened to her. I hope I've given you something to look at as you move forward with this captivating story.

A super power image


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20
20
Review of Size of a Thought  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear jdennis This review is given in response to your request.

*Quill* What I liked about the story: There was a fast pace to it. The action moved along with the story toward the conclusion. While this isn't my type of reading, the concept is basic.


*Quill* What is the goal of the main Character? This is what I found lacking. I have no idea what Jonah's goal is. I felt like I'd been dropped into the middle of a story without any forewarning.


*Quill* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Because there was no goal for Jonah, he just needed to get out of a hotel room with a dead body.


*Quill* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?Here is where you excel. You had a lot happening. Most of the conflict or Deus de Machina were all over the place. It was entertaining to see what would almost magically happen next.


*Quill* Resolution: Here is were I got totally lost. You kill off the main character. Then throw an explanation at the end to try to tie it up in a bow.


*Quill* Do the characters develop in this story? Not enough. This is a plot segment that needs more development into a longer piece. There is so much you can do with it. Expand Jonah and Allison. Give them both a story.



*Quill* What do I think needs work:
as my left foot pulled from under the sheet and fell to the carpet,When I read this I thought the foot detached and fell to the floor. I had to read it twice as I was laughing, and realized it wasn't a joke. I suggest you rewrite this to say. I eased my foot from the covers feeling for the floor to steady my body from the sense the room swirled.
The hand on my forehead belonged to someone who lay next to me and that "someone" had long graceful fingers finished in gold bands, set with precious stones. As I read later I find the woman is dead. How did her hand get to be on his forehead? This seemed a bit off to me. Maybe rewrite this action.



As I said above there is so much potential here for a longer more exciting story. The story as written is a bit confusing and if someone should stick with it to the end, they'd still wonder why? Who were those characters?
You leave the reader with too many questions in the end.
I, for one, would love to see you really rework this piece to SHOW more instead of TELL.



My PDG Skeeter Sig
21
21
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.

what was the goal if the main character?
A wife has decided her husband needs a hair cut. She has cut his hair before and he seems comfortable with her ability.

What motivates the main character?
She doesn’t like his long hair and insists it’s causing him to sweat.

What conflicts occur First he doesn’t think he needs one. There is a difference in opinion and they have a discussion about it.
In the process her ability is in question. The result is a disappearance of an important piece.
When the inquisitive cat become involved it’s a disaster.

My over all thoughts
I liked the story. The fact the husband is totally unaware is too much of a stretch for me. I liked the way the story unfolds and it flows smoothly to the end




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22
22
Review of Seasons  
Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello cheryl losch I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.




what was the goal if the main character?
The different seasons met to discuss their different times to cover the world.
You point out the obvious and it was easy to understand their particular expertise


What motivates the main character?
Each season voices their desire for more time. What I didn't get was a different voice or character development for each character.

What conflicts occur
YOu have lots of conflicts that occur in each season. Then Mother Nature shows up and voices her opinion and leaves. She seems all knowing.

My over all thoughts
I didn't get where the COMEDY came in. I missed what was funny about their decisions or conflicts. While I enjoyed the story I didn't smile or laugh.



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23
23
Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello {user: } I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.



what was the goal if the main character?
We see two bumbling thieves trying to steal valuables from a mansion. You do a good job with setting up the goal. WE don't have any trouble figuring out what is probably going to happen.


What motivates the main character?
You also give a great job of telling the reader what Mort wants to do once he gets the money for what he steals. You give the reader a sense that this guy is basically a good hearted guy, but he doesn't have much morality.

What conflicts occur
YOu give one conflict after the other. You do a good job describing the conflicts so they are easy to follow.

My over all thoughts
While I liked the story, I thought the genre was wrong. It was more in the horror, scary, paranormal genre than COMEDY. I didn't get it as funny. I really liked what happened in the respect they got what they deserved.


My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!



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24
24
Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Mastiff I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.



what was the goal if the main character?
SimpMost kids at some point or other make money at working at a burger joint. Its the goal to not just make money but learn to work as a team and the process of how business runs. I don't think this guy got the point.

What motivates the main character?
Although he was older he hadn't learned anything in the process. I don't think he came to the job with the right attitude and I'm sure whomever hired him wished he/she hadn't.

What conflicts occur
The MC had a bad attitude but his supervisor was an idiot of far worse attitude. The man had an ego problem that it seemed this employee or any employee could dent. While I understand the conflict, the resulting action went too far.

My over all thoughts
I thought this story was well written. It had a beginning, middle and end. There was a form of justice in the main character's eyes, but to me it wasn't comedy. It was more in the drama genre. I don't think ruining everyone's night and shutting down the joint is comedy.


My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!

25
25
Review of Dingbat!  
Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Lovina 🐕‍🦺 I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.



what was the goal if the main character?
Izzy wants to make a potion. She had a recipe, and she goes around town collecting the bizarre ingredients.

What motivates the main character?
I kept reading to find the reason why she was doing this. There was a lack of motivation for her to make the potion and her expectations for the result.

What conflicts occur
I loved her list of ingredients and her collection process. I did give a smile at what she chose and how she both obtained them and moved them to her home.

My over all thoughts
I liked the story. It would be more for the October dark and scary genre. It did cause me to smile. I have to pick up after my dog. I don't know what I'd think if someone followed me and Ariel rushing to pick up her poo before I could. That was funny.


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