*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/thekindred
Review Requests: ON
1,479 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a form I use for reviews. I look for a Goal, Motivation, Conflict and Resolution. It also allows me to tell what I liked and what I thinks needs improving. In my reviews I may make suggestions by adding my take on what the author is trying to say. Purely a suggestion to take or leave as needed.
I'm good at...
Giving in depth and fair reviews. I usually review stories that interest me. I don't always like them but they have promise and potential. I am fair but I AM reviewing. I do not review grammar or spelling. I do point out past and present tenses as well as the over use of WAS, WENT, THE and THAT in one story so watch those.
Favorite Genres
inspirational, mystery,action/Adventure, paranormal and anything that falls into those broad genre, some fantasy and comedy
Least Favorite Genres
Vampires,YA or adult. This genre is overrated and unless you write much better than Steph Meyer, I probably won't read it. Most Non-fiction unless the premise interest me. Always worth an ask.
Favorite Item Types
Everything in the STATIC file except the ones listed below: Look down
Least Favorite Item Types
Appendix, bulletin, campfire, in n out, editorial,letter/memo, lyrics, outline, preface, script/play, Poetry.
I will not review...
Poetry. I don't understand this style and don't feel confident to review it. Novel or novella, I reserve the right to refuse to review. Not to hurt feelings, but time wise it may be something I can't give good attention to, but always ask.
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
1
1
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi, spacefiction


Overall Impression

I wondered what you would write about spaghetti. You held my interest almost all the way through.

Setting:

I didn't get the reason Andrew interviewed Nora. There was a prologue about not being science fiction but I didn't get any hint of anything sciencey.

Plot:

I love spaghetti, I see why Mom is concerned. You show her concern. I didn't get what her goal was for being in the interview or talking about Mark.

Characters:

You did a great job with Mom. Her concern for Mark and her willingness to talk about him. I think you tried to associate his eating with the death of his father but it didn't quite make it for me. There needed to be one more thing that connected the two.
Andrew was a filler and had no position. You needed to give him a purpose for the interview.

Suggestions:
I think the only issue that would have cleared this story was to give mom a goal and what motivated her and what was stopping the situation?


Image for reviewing{50%}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of Family Matters  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Victor L. Rolling Jr. 040

I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group."


Overall Review: I Loved the story. It held my interest all the way through. Your characters were realistic and lively.

What is the goal or purpose? Donovan is tired of his ghostly parents trying to derail his new love.

Is there a motivation? He wants to be with his love and become a family. He feels with Walter he can create a new family that his parents have denounced.

What are the conflicts? Donovan and Walter are gay. This is against the parent's belief and they are terrorizing the two even in their death. It has caused too much friction in Donovan's life as he sees them.

What I Liked: I like the emotion and the story line. I liked the ending. It was happy.

What Needs Work: There ae times I had trouble following who was speaking and what was happening. I suggest you call them mom and dad and not their names. Read it over and see where there needs a little more description.
Last of all ghosts don't move around a house like they are alive. You depicted them as actual human beings. They need to be recognized by the reader as ghosts. How do ghosts react. Even in Beetlejuice there are things ghosts can and can't do.



** Image ID #2249478 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello (insert user)

I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"


Overall Review: I liked the story. I think you did a good job of giving the characters a voice and showing the era difference. You have good dialogue that was easy to follow. You followed the Goal, Motivation, and conflict format easily. Good job.




** Image ID #2249478 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of THE FRONT  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Bob

I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group."


Overall Review:
I liked your idea and the general plot idea. I didn't get this as a story, but more like something you'd like to develop. I think it's worth working on.


What is the goal or purpose? I realized her goal was to work in the fashion business. I don't know what is involved, but I don't think it's that easy. This could develop into the conflict you need to make this into a longer piece.


Is there a motivation? You are subtle about this. Her living on the other side of the tracks, living a false life at school. Good work.

What are the conflicts? Not much here. You need to develop this a bit more. This piece had no story, it was more and idea.

What I Liked: I like the plot. I'm a sucker for the less fortunate making it to their goal by working hard and developing their talent. (sorry I overused that word)

What Needs Work: As I said this needs to be made into a longer story with more angst in it.


** Image ID #2249478 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of Life and Death  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear BlakeFran3

*Quill* What I liked about the story:
I loved the title. I loved the first two paragraphs about baseball. I have enjoyed baseball and understand the game. You have the ability to string together words that sound good when read. However, most of the sentences that fill the large paragraphs do not explain the basic concept.

*Quill* What is the goal of this piece?
I accepted the request because I wanted to understand your perspective on life and death. What I read didn't answer the basic question. What do you believe?

*Quill* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? I didn't get the motivation of this piece. You understand that through giving, charity, and generosity, you will receive. This is a sample of the incomplete sentence and concept example.
The value is not in hoarding up for yourself, but rather hoarding and then giving to those in need. The word hoarding is to stockpile or amass something. Usually used as a negative verb. This is a good sentence. What does it have to do with life or death?

*Quill* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?
You list many conflicts in this piece. Many are opposite examples and some are the same. Most of the examples don't have a resolution or give hope or define no hope for the reader.

*Quill* Resolution: The ultimate purpose of traveling is to die and then be reborn again while we are still in the yellow wood, while we are still traveling. This totally confused me.
but it's the single most important and rewarding adventure we can have while here, in the material world. What was this? what is the most rewarding adventure? to die or do you mean live?
It's a harrowing defeat of all that we thought we were, all that held us back, What was defeated?

*Quill* What do I think needs work:
While you have great ability to put words together, the average reader will be lost to the point you want to make. I wish I could have understood your explanation. I'm sure you see what you want to see, but it was lost on me.
I suggest you might make a bullet point piece. What is your belief in death? What is your belief on the hereafter? What is your definition of free-will and its place in each person's life?



My PDG Skeeter Sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello Elby Wordsmith My name is Quick-Quill and I'm responding to your request for a review of "My Life Philosophy/(the Greatest Prank)

*DropR*Title I wasn't impressed with this title after reading what you write. I think I'd like it to be; My Greatest Prank Against the Government

*Dropr* BeginningI wasn't sure where you were going at the beginning? It provoked a small smile from me as I'm not that far behind you in years.

*Dropr* Setting I get that you are in Canada. Things must be different there. I didn't understand why living a looong life would mean you have to default your pensions.

*Dropr* Characters This would be about the author which you've told us you are 74 year old. Your life has been a long one and a good one. I do get you have a sense of humor and are willing to laugh at your own expense.

*Dropr* Goal To live to 153 is quite a feat. Since no one since the Old Testament has reached that age, it will take a bit of health care and some perpetuity.

*Dropr* Motivation Here is where I didn't understand your desire to live a long life except to thwart the government. I'd like a little deeper motivation. You mention the connection to people and the least of all a sex life. These both seem out of place for someone wanting to live this many years past the expectation of life.

*Dropr* Conflict None expect that that long of life comes with it's own conflicts.

*Dropr* What I liked This was a great idea and I'd love to see it expanded.

*Dropr* My SuggestionsYour formant needs some work.
1) You started two paragraphs with the same word. Change that and rework where you have used the word, WAS. Don't start a sentence with the word BUT.
2) You add emotion to the piece by telling people what to do, If you have written something funny people will laugh or grin. If not, it wasn't funny.
3) I suggest you elaborate on what the effect is by putting a fake date on your tombstone. What are the drawbacks? Some people cant' add? They don't get it? Who would look it up to see what your read death is? This isn't like the tombstones with funny epitaphs on them

My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of A New Dawn Ch.1  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello riajin-ryu0 My name is Quick-Quill and I'm responding to your request for a review of "A New Dawn Ch.1

*DropR*Title A New Dawn- A good start.

*Dropr* Beginning You give a good introduction of the characters.

*Dropr* Setting I'm not exactly sure of the setting for this story. I'd like more information as to the setting. I think this is a fantasy with Witches and Warlocks.

*Dropr* Characters You introduce us to a set of twins. They both have magical abilities, but they aren't detailed.

*Dropr* Goal There weren't any ultimate goal. You need to let the reader know what the main character ultimately wants. This will drive the story.

*Dropr* MotivationThis is in conjunction with Goal. Why do they want the goal? All through the story there is an underlying reason for the main character to keep going. Think of Wizard of Oz. What is Dorothy's goal? To get home WHY? She doesn't want to disappoint her Aunt and Uncle who love her.

*Dropr* Conflict You have a good conflict in a duel. However, it doesn't go anywhere. Somewhere in this first chapter, you need to have that moment where your main character is called to action. He knows he must use his gift to win a challenge
You need to have him deny or question the call. Then he decides to do it at any cost. This is all conflict.

*Dropr* The Plot I don't know the plot from this chapter

*Dropr* What I likedI like paranormal stories. I liked there are two magic's in the story.

*Dropr* My Suggestions Most "witches" are women. The male version of a witch is a Warlock. When your readers see witch they think female and then get confused when you tell them it's a man.
You don't have a true Point of View. Are you telling the story? Is your character telling the story? Decide and keep to that POV.
You might start by stating the goal. what does your main character want? To be a great Witch/Warlock? Why? He needs to say to protect his family from a rival family. When you tell the reader the goal and the why they begin to care for the character. As they endure conflict after conflict, the reader toots for them to win in the end.




My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of Time Traveler  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Queen NormaJean sendthatsnow

I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group, Ghostly Hallows Raid."


Overall Review: Hooked my interest and held it all the way to the end. I was disappointed at the end, it was too short

What is the goal or purpose? What a hook. Someone appeared in her car and said they were from the future. You kept the dialogue tight as you were writing for a contest with a word count limit. I would love for you to revisit this and expand the story.

Is there a motivation?Wouldn't any of us want to know what's in our future? It's an obvious question. If you choose to expand this, I suggest you word this with a little more intensity. "What's going to happen to me? What's going to happen to my family(husband, kids, mom,dad)? Whatever you include will give the reader a bit of background. What is she were on the way to visit her sick (fill in any of the above) and want to know their future? This is motivation.

What are the conflicts? Now you excelled here. You give us the setting which is a conflict. You tell us the car slid to a stop off the road. What if you have her sliding on the slick road and landing in a ditch or stuck in the mud of the shoulder? You have heavy rain and her stopped. What if she demands to know the future and needs help to get her out of the situation?

What I Liked: I just like the story. As you can tell I went off the deep end thinking how this would make a great scary Halloween story or even a tear jerker story....

What Needs Work: Nothing other than what I mentioned above. I hope you have another go at this story.


shared Power Group image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Ned's Normal Nordic Handle

I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group, Ghostly Hallows Raid."


Overall Review: I was hooked at the beginning and it carried me through to the end. I like a good ghost story especially when I'm not quite sure how it's going to end.

What is the goal or purpose? Our hero must spend a full night in his aunt's house to recieve the in heiritance. Simple it seems but as a good writer knows, nothing can be that simple.

Is there a motivation? The money that will be his. He won't have to work for the rest of his life.

What are the conflicts? There seems to be just one. He says he doesn't believe in ghosts and the one there is determined to change that.

What I Liked: The pace of the story. It was a short story that could be extended. This story gave showed the reader hte character of the main character. His arrogance and assured attitude that a ghost won't scare him.

What Needs Work: I felt the ending fell flat. You lead the reader to expect him to not believe in ghosts. Yet when faced with a ghost he doesn't have much of a reaction. He taunts the ghost but she forces him to kiss her and he has no reaction. He feels he is pulled against his will, but he doesn't react. From the time she speaks there needs to be an escalation of conflict to the point he is forced to make a decision to run. Why would a man with this type of character give up money without a fight? I wanted more conflict between him and the Aunt.


shared Power Group image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of The Dinner Party  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Write-fully Loti

I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group, Ghostly Hallows Raid."


Overall Review: This story had interesting characters and incidents that happened to the two woman who visit, uninvited to a dinner party.

What is the goal or purpose? At the beginning we find two friends on their way home. I liked that you gave them unique hair. Neither was grey. While their goal was home, that was sidelined by a fellow bus passenger.

Is there a motivation? I missed the why. Why would these women change their habit to go to a dinner they hadn't been invited to. While that is a question, this is a paranormal story. A reader might expect something supernatural.

What are the conflicts? There wasn't any conflict, but there were observations that cause one of the main characters to question her eyesight. There was an abrupt exit of the second character. What happened? Why did she leave? Good use of a conflict without having an argument.

What I Liked: It was a great story and far to short for me. I wanted more. It gave me a taste of three characters that pequed my interest.

What Needs Work: The use of was, were, went made reading this bumpy for me. I suggest you take the time to look over your writing and delete, rewrite and reword sentences that have those words in them. Only use when you can't use another sentence.


shared Power Group image
11
11
Review of I, Data  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with Group ~ Reviewing with River  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello {user: } I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.


what was the goal if the main character?
The goal of this story is lost on me. It was an interesting moment in time with no real purpose.

What motivates the main character?
I wonder what the author intends to happen. I have one specific assumption, of course. After all, although I am an android, my father, Dr. Noonian Soong—who should never be confused with Khan Noonien Singh, an entirely different character and one who will be forever remembered as among the gravest threats to the Federation (second only to the Romulans, in my opinion)—had created me to be fully functional and programmed in multiple techniques, a broad variety of pleasuring. I wonder if this is the motivation for this story. I'm not sure but it seemed plausible.

What conflicts occur
When the Dr gave him the directive to run when they get to the bedroom, he didn't run. There may have been a point he wanted the scene to continue.


My over all thoughts
I liked the story in itself. It didn't qualify or fit my format but it was interesting and well written.




Reviewed by Journey Through the Genres Judge
My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of Musical Treasure  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with Group ~ Reviewing with River  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello 💙 Carly - NaNoWriMo Warrior I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.


what was the goal if the main character?

There are two main characters here. You have given them both equal bill and did a good job of it.
Needing to get out and away from the crush of fans and other crazies, Alessia Cara had slipped out; leaving her entourage to fend for itself. She walked the trails down to the lake, taking care to watch out for bears that she was told liked to wander around this area. No sense attracting that kind of attention. Motivation of Alessia

Dani arrived early so that she could put her guitar in the back for later. If it wasn't too crazy, maybe her boss would let her perform tonight. It was Tuesday, usually a slow night, but the open mic event had been drawing in a crowd.
This looks like Dani's goal.

What motivates the main character? Both of these characters are musical ad they have a connection the author wants you to read on to discover.


What conflicts occur
You have given two great conflicts here. They aren't insurmountable, however there is a possibility one or the other might not move on to make this connection happen. There is only a hint of it.


My over all thoughts

I liked the idea of this story. I didn't know who Alessia was and looked her up so I could connect with the story. You did an excellent job of bringing these two together. It could have used a little more conflict or "Will it happen? what if it doesn't?" That being said there was an inference.


Reviewed by Journey Through the Genres Judge
My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Chris24 I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.


what was the goal if the main character?
To stay retired. That was basically it. He seems to be called out of hibernation which he resistists. I liked that he tells Zuria no but she pulls out a trump card

What motivates the main character?
This is pretty basic concept. The world is coming to an end and you are the only one that can save us. He still isn't motivated to help because he's lost what mattered to him.

What conflicts occur
There aren't any conflicts. I would have liked to see before Zuria shows up he is pressured and almost taken hostage to save them. But that isn't your story so he just has a conversation.

My over all thoughts
I liked your story. However some small things bothered me. Check your use of SO. This is something we say when we can't think of the right words.
Also the over use of THE. When you cut these words you have to rewrite the sentences and most times they are better.
Then the goal is repeated. To conserve word count it would have been nice to focus on what they want from him, his resistance and then up the game with the imminent annihilation and lastly the trump card, Maggie.




Reviewed by Journey Through the Genres Judge
My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello Mara ♣ McBain I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.

I especially like the way you used these descriptions

A ratty plaid shirt and cut-offs had never looked so good. Maybe it was the long, tanned legs hanging out below. His brows lifted in recognition. So did parts south of the belt buckle. Any way you looked at it, she was a sight for sore eyes.

There weren’t too many men that would argue. When she’d left Montana for the runways of Milan, she hadn’t looked back. Her best friend, Evelyn, had been just as shellshocked as John. They’d ended up comforting one another all the way to the altar.

I like this bit of conversation

This could be so good for both of us, John. Marry me and get an infusion of cash so you can continue to protect the Yellowstone. Quit beating your head against a brick wall. Have someone in your corner. Someone to talk to and wrap around at night.”

My over all thoughts

Cyn leaned in, her lips playing over his in the barest caress. “Because I know you, John Dutton. Now, come on.”

Some of the weight lifted as he followed. Sometimes it felt good to be told what to do.


This is a good way to end the story.

Reviewed by Journey Through the Genres Judge
My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Steve Joos I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.

what was the goal if the main character?
Charles sharing with his sister an incident that happened over Christmas. It was especially poignant to me since I loved the character of Charles Winchester III


What motivates the main character?
Charles loves his sister who stutters. She is someone who has had difficulties in life and he is especially close to her. He shares with her his deepest thoughts, failures and accomplishments. Reading this I can hear him speaking into his recorder.

What conflicts occur
Charles wants to feel appreciated. He doesn't quite know how to do it so looks around him for something he can part with. What does he have that any of these people would appreciate?
When he finally chooses the chocolates he is parting with something he feels is valuable to him and those around him. Though at Christmas there are chocolates and candy available. It's something that isn't costing him a great deal either in emotion, money or principle.

When he discovers what his gift was misappropriated he felt slighted.

My over all thoughts

I loved this story the best of them all. Not just because I could see this happening in the real series, but you opened a moment that brought back to me not only the over pompous Charles, but his inner insecurities. His brash actions of ripping the candy from Rizzo and confronting the director to spilling the whole day's events to Honoria (If I remember her name right)
Kudos on a great fan fiction


Reviewed by Journey Through the Genres Judge
My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!


16
16
Review of Bond's Last Stand  
Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Odessa Molinari I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.

what was the goal if the main character?
I liked this story about an older James Bond. You gave him a purpose to save himself.


What motivates the main character?
James' isn't so old that he can't defend himself. I liked that he still had some gadgets available. I wondered about him moving. Ms Joy had to put him to bed but he seemed to be able to get out of bed. I would have liked to have that addressed. Was his inability a fake just to get a face rub? (wink)


What conflicts occur
You gave the reader a great piece of action that I loved. He went out in a blaze of glory.


My over all thoughts

I enjoyed reading this piece. I read all of Ian Flemming's books as a teenager, and watched a few of the movies. You kept true to the concept and intention of the story.

My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!

This is a Journey through the Genres Contest






*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Bryce Raffle This is response to your request for a critique.


Overall Impression

I liked the premise of the story. I love a good ghost story. I loved the series Ghost Whisperer and Sixth Sense. The overall story is intriguing once I got to the bottom of the chapter.

Setting:
I didn't get an overall sense of the era or place at the beginning. The names are old and the references are old 1700-1800 England. Because most people are going to go that route, I'd suggest you give the reader a firm setting at the beginning. Show an object in the room or something that sets the time and place. Even if it's something like She struck the flint to light the candle.
It isn't until the end that we get there are horse and carts in Trafalgar Sq, England. Little clues inserted before helps the reader get a sense of the setting, not just bodies moving around on a blank screen.


Plot:
I like that you give the situation in the beginning. Not like Sixth Sense where we have to go through the movie wondering what was going on. You tell the reader up front this is going to be about solving a murder. Who the subject is and how the MC finds out about it.
I didn't get Evelyn's motivation. Why does she talk to dead people? I sighed. I was going to be late for work again.
With a wayward glance back at Pickwick’s break fast, I set off after the ghost.
Why? here is a good place to insert a little thought. Instead of saying she couldn't scream at every ghost. How about something about her past experiences? Standing at the top of the stairs we stared at each other and and I sighed. There had been other's like her. I'd seen them since I was a child. they no longer scared me, but their appearance often surprised me. This wasn't the normal ghostly apparition but stood there in a full form. Then describe her appearance.



Characters:

I like Evelyn. She seems a woman with a purpose. Then you gave me a and odd reaction. She sobbed. This isn't the reaction I would attribute to Evelyn. She seemed to have a stronger constitution and this put me off. Having compassion is not the same as crying. After looking up and down the street where no one took notice of the girl I looked at her again. She was indeed a ghost. She didn't move when I approached the curb. Her eyes locked with mine and I felt her need. The one that called me to her. "What do you want? What happened to you?" I knew she couldn't talk, but I thought maybe we could converse in telepathy. I'd never done it before but it could be a first. You wrote Evelyn didn't expect an answer. Then why did she ask the question? Without any hand motion she turned her body and moved away. I looked at the sidewalk that now filled with the morning commuters. I had to get to work. She stood in the middle of the road. Her look of impatience moved me to turn and follow her. Cars and pedestrians passed through her and she didn't register their journey. then add the journey through the market. Here again I wasn't sure of the era. There are markets in places today, at this point of the story.

We have two characters and since this is the beginning chapter we don't need to know everything about them. I would leave all the back story with Mr. Pickwick until later since this is a dream sequence. In dreams the action moves the dream. I do go off on tangents in a dream but not like that. I'm a writer and details can distract me. I rarely get back on the same tract until the next night.
Here's another thing to think about. Who is your audience? Women I'm guessing for the most part. Then they want to know what she's wearing. Below I give a suggestion of where to start. If you do that, then when she's in her room, have her dress in what women would wear.
From my wardrobe I took my black work dress from its hook and gave it a good shake, hoping the wrinkles from its hanging overnight disappeared. Once on I button the front to the small white collar and tie the ribbon around the neck arranging the tails to lay flat, still showing under the collar points. The mirror reflected my brown hair pulled to a knot at the nape of my neck, the body of a (insert age) woman with a trim waist and slim hips hidden beneath the folds of the skirt. Giving a shake of my shoulders, lifting my chin and spinning on the heels of my boots, I headed to the stairs and the break fast I could smell wafting to my room. This is just a suggestion of how to show the reader who Evelyn is. A strong woman, not afraid of her dreams and still a bit unsure of the life ahead. She seems to want to face it head on.

Suggestions:
What I didn't care for was the detail in the dream sequence then having to do the same thing all over.
My suggestion is to start with her waking. Then having a bit of trouble remembering exact details of the dreams. Something about monkeys. She struggles to recreate that part as she dresses, looking into the mirror combing her hair, she might remember the girl's hair, her mouth sewn shut. She bares her teeth at the mirror. I'm glad my lips aren't sewn. When she goes down stairs she greets Mr. Pickwick. You don't need to explain their relationship at this time. other than to mention he is her surrogate father figure. I'd also wait until later to talk about the photo.

Then as she has the conversation with Mr. P she gets a sense of impatience. Thinking about the girl in the dream she steps onto the porch and there she is, just as she was in the dream. Then she follows her to the museum. When she sees the monkey in the palm the rest of the dream floods into her mind. She might reel from the memory and the details flood her mind. Now what? The dream gave no clues as to what happened. My question to you is why did she have a dream that gives no details but she sees a ghost. Suggestion. Leave the monkey out of the dream since there isn't any connection to the murder. If you want to have a clue in the dream give it an obscure place. See a hand putting it there. See her hand grasping it from someone or something that lends to the fact it's important to WHAT?
Here is where you can leave the reader with a hook to turn the page. She might remember there were two other monkeys. Where are they? What do the monkeys have to do with a dead girl? (turn the page to find out)

This way the reader isn't back tracking. The flow pulls the reader to follow the ghost to find what happened to her. The reader is on the same journey as Evelyn.

So remember when you do any rewriting. She gets a call to action (from her dream) She is curious. Then sees the object of her dream on the street the same as the dream. She might ignore it at first (from the top step) Refuse the call. Now is where to tell the reader her motivation. Why does she follow the girl? She Answers the call. She sees the scene and the clue of the monkey.

In conclusion:

I'm anxious to read on. I want to know how Evelyn interacts with the ghost and how you will present the clues of what happened to her. I hope I've given you something to look at as you move forward with this captivating story.

A super power image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.

what was the goal if the main character?
A wife has decided her husband needs a hair cut. She has cut his hair before and he seems comfortable with her ability.

What motivates the main character?
She doesn’t like his long hair and insists it’s causing him to sweat.

What conflicts occur First he doesn’t think he needs one. There is a difference in opinion and they have a discussion about it.
In the process her ability is in question. The result is a disappearance of an important piece.
When the inquisitive cat become involved it’s a disaster.

My over all thoughts
I liked the story. The fact the husband is totally unaware is too much of a stretch for me. I liked the way the story unfolds and it flows smoothly to the end




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello {user: } I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.


what was the goal if the main character?
A couple meet and fall in love. You give the step by step movement for this young couple. We could follow their growing attraction as it formulates

What motivates the main character?
While at first it's the job that brought them together, you showed how they grew to respect each other and move to the goal of planting trees. It itsself is a motivating factor.

What conflicts occur
Everything is going smooth until the morning after, then it all falls apart. When the male opens his mouth, he put his foot in it and can't get it out no matter what he does to try and explain his choice of words.

My over all thoughts
I thought this was very funny. You followed the COMEDY prompt and my smile grew as he tried to get himself out of trouble. He pulled it off in the end. Great job.



My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello {user: } I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.



what was the goal if the main character?
We see two bumbling thieves trying to steal valuables from a mansion. You do a good job with setting up the goal. WE don't have any trouble figuring out what is probably going to happen.


What motivates the main character?
You also give a great job of telling the reader what Mort wants to do once he gets the money for what he steals. You give the reader a sense that this guy is basically a good hearted guy, but he doesn't have much morality.

What conflicts occur
YOu give one conflict after the other. You do a good job describing the conflicts so they are easy to follow.

My over all thoughts
While I liked the story, I thought the genre was wrong. It was more in the horror, scary, paranormal genre than COMEDY. I didn't get it as funny. I really liked what happened in the respect they got what they deserved.


My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Mastiff I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.



what was the goal if the main character?
SimpMost kids at some point or other make money at working at a burger joint. Its the goal to not just make money but learn to work as a team and the process of how business runs. I don't think this guy got the point.

What motivates the main character?
Although he was older he hadn't learned anything in the process. I don't think he came to the job with the right attitude and I'm sure whomever hired him wished he/she hadn't.

What conflicts occur
The MC had a bad attitude but his supervisor was an idiot of far worse attitude. The man had an ego problem that it seemed this employee or any employee could dent. While I understand the conflict, the resulting action went too far.

My over all thoughts
I thought this story was well written. It had a beginning, middle and end. There was a form of justice in the main character's eyes, but to me it wasn't comedy. It was more in the drama genre. I don't think ruining everyone's night and shutting down the joint is comedy.


My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!

22
22
Review of Dingbat!  
Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Lovina 🐕‍🦺 I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.



what was the goal if the main character?
Izzy wants to make a potion. She had a recipe, and she goes around town collecting the bizarre ingredients.

What motivates the main character?
I kept reading to find the reason why she was doing this. There was a lack of motivation for her to make the potion and her expectations for the result.

What conflicts occur
I loved her list of ingredients and her collection process. I did give a smile at what she chose and how she both obtained them and moved them to her home.

My over all thoughts
I liked the story. It would be more for the October dark and scary genre. It did cause me to smile. I have to pick up after my dog. I don't know what I'd think if someone followed me and Ariel rushing to pick up her poo before I could. That was funny.


My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!

23
23
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, Maryann I was drawn to your story because the title and brief description.


Overall Impression

I love a good fairy tale and story. I went through your port and found a story not a poem.

Setting:

This is a fairy tale set in a fairy tale land. This mythical land is in the heart of every reader and varies as to the age of the reader. By leaving the setting without detail the reader makes up their own land. The clues after the first few paragraphs lead the reader to realize the time is in the present not in a mythical time in a long ago era.

Plot:

Jealousy is the the heart of the story. We see the green monster is alive and well in the stepmother's heart. Bad deeds do not overcome the pure of heart.
We see the evil stepmother's ill will against her stepdaughter grows until the poor girl becomes a victim.
You have set the story in the present using ingenious products to emulate the items used in the original story. I had to smile. I immediately thought of the poor grandma yelling GOOGOO at the item hoping for an answer.
The climax and end were cleverly written and came to a satisfying conclusion.



Suggestions:
I have only one suggestion and that is to take a few moments and add more to this story. I know it was written for the GoT this is such a great story, I would love to see it expanded with more up to date details that parallel the original.


In conclusion:

I loved the story! It unfolded and held my interest. It's one I'd read to a grandchild if I had one, just to see if they recognize it.


A super power image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Bubblegum Jones I was drawn to your story because the title and brief description.


Overall Impression

The story is fascinating. I love to read and watch paranormal events. I have my own ideas about what is happening. I'm not sure if my beliefs would or could change the outcome, but I wonder why they happen to some and not to others.
Your story, if written as a story would be quite interesting.

Setting:

I'm not sure if this location is in the Carolina's or more inland. You did a good job of setting up the background. The picture of the properties their location is well defined. It made it easier to follow the actions throughout the story.

Plot:

This story is fascinating. It was hard to follow at times due to the format and amount of backstory interspersed as you told it.
I loved reading it. I honestly think reworking it into a real story instead of you telling it would be a winner.

Characters:

Since this story is a non-fiction and you are personally involved it helps the reader to know more about you. I think I know your gender. Your characters in the story are real people who lived on the land in the past. Your telling of their relationship to the land, the house and now to the present owners makes this a tale worth repeating.

Suggestions:

I would like to rework this tale into a proper story. One that has your personal thoughts mixed in only as a character. One that tells the backstory then leads into what your daughter is experiencing today. It would make a sellable piece. I'd love to help you rewrite it.

In conclusion:

I found this story interesting. I'm a bit distanced from it as I don't believe ghosts are spirits of dead people. That's for another time. However the fact that it's happening cannot be discounted. I do believe the story to be a true account.

A super power image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear Bubblegum Jones

*Quill* What I liked about the story:
This was a set of three short stories based on two characters, Little Henry and Stinky. I thought the stories had moments of cuteness. There were one liners that made me smile and some that made me wince. (In a good way) They are well thought out stories.


*Quill* What is the goal of the main Character?
In each of the stories, Henry has a problem and Stinky seems to be the wiser of the two helps him solve or at least understand his thought process


*Quill* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal?
Little Henry works at a Widget factory. His escapades and processes confound and amuse his co-worker(s) I'm not sure that's his intent but it is the writer's.


*Quill* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?
The stories are full of conflict. Some self-imposed and others are at his expense. The writer uses this format to give the readers a glimpse into the dry humor we all enjoy reading or hearing.
There were moments I could almost intone the story to tell it aloud.


*Quill* Resolution:
There isn't any. This is an on going piece to delight the reader. I'm sure this isn't the intent, but I could see this printed in a booklet form and sold to restaurants and put in my bathroom.


*Quill* Do the characters develop in this story?
We see a lot of Little Henry develop in his comments and thought processes. Poor Stinky is relegated to the straight man role. You need both to have relatable characters. They have developed even though we can't see them. They are just names that speak. Talking heads.



*Quill* What do I think needs work:
There are only a couple of things I think you might address. One is format. I had a hard time tracking the dialogue when it's run all in one paragraph.
Each person gets their own line when they speak. This makes following the story easier. I had to back track a few times to keep track of who said what.
The other thing is developing Little Henry and Stinky. You may have described them in the first or second book, but since these are stand alone stories, you should include more of their looks. You did a great job describing Little Henry with his long, dyed hair. This could extend to Stinky so we get a good picture in our mind of these two and their world.



My PDG Skeeter Sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
488 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 20 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/thekindred