*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/thekindred
Review Requests: ON
1,398 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a form I use for reviews. I look for a Goal, Motivation, Conflict and Resolution. It also allows me to tell what I liked and what I thinks needs improving. In my reviews I may make suggestions by adding my take on what the author is trying to say. Purely a suggestion to take or leave as needed.
I'm good at...
Giving in depth and fair reviews. I usually review stories that interest me. I don't always like them but they have promise and potential. I am fair but I AM reviewing. I do not review grammar or spelling. I do point out past and present tenses as well as the over use of WAS, WENT, THE and THAT in one story so watch those.
Favorite Genres
inspirational, mystery,action/Adventure, paranormal and anything that falls into those broad genre, some fantasy and comedy
Least Favorite Genres
Vampires,YA or adult. This genre is overrated and unless you write much better than Steph Meyer, I probably won't read it. Most Non-fiction unless the premise interest me. Always worth an ask.
Favorite Item Types
Everything in the STATIC file except the ones listed below: Look down
Least Favorite Item Types
Appendix, bulletin, campfire, in n out, editorial,letter/memo, lyrics, outline, preface, script/play, Poetry.
I will not review...
Poetry. I don't understand this style and don't feel confident to review it. Novel or novella, I reserve the right to refuse to review. Not to hurt feelings, but time wise it may be something I can't give good attention to, but always ask.
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
1
1
for entry "CHAPTER 21
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Dear DMT - PASSED

*Quill* What I liked about the story:
It's a continuation from the previous chapter and moves the characters toward their goal
I loved this paragraph! Well we are in a part of the forest humans can't see. Why do you think humans think we are myths and legends? We travel around, but we have our own land. These towns are our borderline into werewolf territory." She put her bag on the floor and rummaged through it. She pulled out a jacket and a cap. "Here. Put this on. I haven't got time to teach you the blend in method."

I also liked that they had great dialogue and interacted with each other in a way that was easy and believable.

*Quill* What is the goal of the main Character?
This section seems to move Jake and Callore toward each other emotionally and sexually.

*Quill* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?

There isn't much conflict here. No really problems for them to solve. It's about two people talking and exploring each other. Every chapter needs some kind of conflict. A disagreement that has to be overcome, a situation they weren't anticipating.
My suggestion is when they get into the town they might be confronted by someone. ANYONE a drunk that tries to pick a fight and uses some kind of magic. Jake wants to give him the death wish he seems to be asking for but Callore has to remind them of blending. Not drawing attention. His hat comes off and the drunk realizes what he is. Callore gives the guy a blow that puts him out. They get away and find the hotel.
This is just a suggestion. Put some kind of conflict that shows more of their character and skill.

*Quill* Resolution: It's assumed they have sex

*Quill* Do the characters develop in this story?
Not really. We know who they are and what to expect. There isn't any further developing that we didn't know already.


*Quill* What do I think needs work:
You are back to talking heads. While they talk and touch each other there isn't a sense of setting, taste, smell or sight. Well, very little. Callore stopped and Jake skidded to a stop beside her. She pointed down and Jake saw a town in the valley. He gasped at the view. "I didn't know we were so high up." That doesn't say much. When you read a book, there needs to be equal part of dialogue to setting and using the senses. There will be times when there might be a lot of dialogue. When it becomes so overwhelming full of dialogue, you lose your reader. They no longer are interested and start skipping to another section. The same thing happens when there are paragraphs of setting descriptions.






My PDG Skeeter Sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
for entry "CHAPTER 19
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello DMT - PASSED My name is Masterclass student and I'm responding to your request for a review of "DIFFERENCES PART 1


*Dropr* Beginning This started with a fight. I think a good idea to show he is serious about training. But not good at it.

*Dropr* SettingYou need to add a lot more of this into your story as you write it. Keep the reader engaged. YOU know what the setting is. All they see are figures on a white page or flat background. What is the setting where the fight is? Is there grass? dirt, what does he smell? What does he hear? You need more of it.

*Dropr* CharactersWe do see Jake, I've forgotten what he looks like. I'd love to see more him. Describe him as he fights. Is he in human form or wolf or both? Use that to help him move.

*Dropr* Goal We know that he is training but for what? to catch up to be equal to the other warriors in his father's army? If he isn't that good, why is his father sending him out to capture Hassarov? Is he ready for this? You might have the General tell Jake he spoke with the Goat who says you need more training but you're good enough to go on this mission, (pause) with Callore. Jake can be offended at first like the General thinks he needs a baby sitter. When he tells Jake the mission he realizes he will need her expertise.

*Dropr* Motivation This is something you don't show. What motivates Jake? What does he want? His thoughts and actions need to move him. In Wiz of Oz we always know Dorothy wants to go home. It motivates everything she does. Remind the reader in each chapter of what he wants. There has to be a reason he's going to do what the General asks him to do. If its just a mission then it's not enough. I want to know why he's in the story? What does he want?

*Dropr* ConflictOther than the beginning and the little tiff with Callore at the mess tent there isn't much conflict. There might be more added as he and the General talk. This is where you can show what motivates him, what he fears, he has to have a fear of this mission. What if he fails? What if he isn't good enough to capture his cousin.? Its too easy. The General says go and stop your cousin from taking the information to the enemy. Now he tells Jake the elixir worked and his cousin is proof. Does his cousin have a sample of what ever it is and then it can be replicated? What does his cousin have against their kind? This can be discussed also.


*Dropr* What I liked I like you story. I think it has real promise.

*Dropr* My Suggestions

A sweat bead ran down Jake's face as he saw a shadow sneak past him. He crouched, ready to spring. Something jumped on his back. This isn't clear. It might read. Sweat ran down Jake's face and into his eyes. He didn't dare move to wipe his face. A shadow block the sun's rays and before he could react something leaped on to his back. He threw the wolf away from him as he sensed another being move to attack, but he felt a fist drive into his stomach and he lost his balance falling. At the same time he drew his sword for protection. Thrusting it at the new threat his sword hit the blade of another swords. Using his hand he sprang to his feet to ward off another blow. He fought for his life, deflecting the onslaught from the other pire. Just as he had gained advantage of his foe, he felt the prick of a pointed object at his throat. "Yield!" Do you see how the fight is played out with more detail? I had trouble keeping track of what was going on. It was over too fast.

I have a problem with you using 'pires the way you do. If you use this as a distinction then spell it out. vampires. If people are talking they can use a nick name like 'pires. But when not speaking, you should use the full terminology or give them a name like PIRES, not 'pires. What (') is saying is someone is dropping a sound. like dunkin'/dunking or 'art (Heart) These are usually dialect references.

What does this mean? Why did the general want to see me so urgently? *********************************************************************** The asterisks make no sense. Also, why does the reader need to know what they think?
It doesn't move the story, give information or pose a question that's important. If you take it out will something be lost? Ask yourself that question.
What if you were to write:
Jake glanced at Callore, clicked his heels together in a comic fashion and followed Adrian as the manservant marched across the field.
"Adrian, What's the big rush? Are we under attack?"
Adrian didn't answer. Jake took a quick look at the young mans profile. He was hiding something. He could tell by the set of his jaw and the furrow of his brow. "Come on, can't you give me a clue so I'm prepared?"
Andrian said nothing. When they reached his father's tent, Andrian motioned for the guard to let them pass.
this is how to set emotion into the scene.
The same for the meeting with his mother. Her reaction is as if they were just meeting for the first time. Is it? If not then she wouldn't need to replay something they already discussed. If she is, he can go to her and remind her he'd forgiven her and they don't need to bring it up again.
If not, and this is the first time he's seeing her you need to rework this meeting. It lacks the emotion of a first meeting.

As Jake exited the general's hut, a man in uniform with a brown wolf on their sleeve walked by. "Do you know where I can find Number Two, Callore?"
You have a lot of dialogue. It's too much, This reads a bit like a screen play. All words and nothing much else. What can you do to engage your reader so it's not so sterile?
Jake exited the tent and stopped. He scanned the grounds in front of him for a sign of Callore. His father's warriors seemed too relaxed. Some played games of chance using sticks or stones. Others conversed as they oiled and sharpened their weapons. Laundry hung from tent ropes, dancing ever so slightly in the breeze.
A warrior in a brown uniform with a wolf patch embroidered on his arm turned the corner almost bumping Jake.
"Sorry Sir." The man swerved at the last minute to avoid him.
Jake stopped him with his arm, "Have you seen Number Two?"
The man looked over his shoulder and jerked his head back toward where he'd come. "The Mess tent."
"Thank you." Jake moved away and crossed the yard avoiding dogs who'd entered the camp for food. Jake almost grinned, They'd better watch out they might be food for someone, if they're hungry enough. The Mess Tent sat just to the center of the compound. It emanated smells of food enticing those to come when the shield outside the main door was hit indicating food was ready.
As he neared the open tent flaps he heard raised voices."

Do you see that adding setting, the sense of smell and possible taste, can add to the reader's experience of camp life?
Callore clenched her fist and pulled it back. She punched Boaz in his stomach. The half man doubled over and fell to the floor. The other soldiers roared with laughter. POV This is Jake's story, He can observe this. You shouldn't be in Callore's head thinking, talking or acting.

Again: Jake tells Callore only part of the story. As I recall the General didn't say, keep this part to yourself. He might say to Callore "Come with me, I have to tell you something and I don't trust anyone else to hear." She nods and follows him to his tent and stops before he can go inside.
"We need to talk here. It's in the open and no one will hear us."
Jake agrees, but lower's his voice standing close to her. "The General has ordered me to hunt Hassorev." Before he can continue, Callore grabs his arm.
"What? Did you tell him no?"
Jake pulled her fingers off his bicep."Ouch, you have a death grip. I told him yes, and he told me to take you with me."
"You'd better tell me why we're on a murder mission."
"Did I say anything about killing? There is something I need to tell you about Hassorev. He's got information that could be used against us. I'll tell you more when we're on the road."
(Insert the rest of your conversation)
"Are you sure?" She raised her eyebrow at him.
"Why?"
"You're not just saying this to get out of training?"
"NO! Now get ready to leave." He shook his head at her, his hair flying around his head. "Women." he muttered as he entered the tent.
Are you getting the picture here about how to give information and add emotion? I hope this helps.



My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear bkies

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: This article is written about a time and people I'm familiar with. I was a teen when Neil walked on the moon. The aspects of the article point to a time when the words of someone respected counted for something. The call to arms or the call to support end with the same result, people step up to fill the gap.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? Neil Armstrong became a voice to rally the people to a cause. He spoke of what he'd experienced then segued into a cause. Maybe more of suggestion.
The beginning of the piece has nothing to do with the end. They feel like two separate pieces with different goals.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal?
The beginning is a layout of the events leading up to the walk on the moon. It shows leadership in action. That by believing in people can instill the desire to give more than 100%. The end may be the result of what Neil learned from Kranz, you can speak to the core of goodness in people and they will respond.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?
In the beginning piece technology hadn't caught up with the need. There were times when the answers hadn't been invented yet. I've watched Hidden Figures many times. It covers the same period of time. This was just becoming the age of computers.

*Pencil* Resolution: I'm not sure what you are trying to purport. It's an interesting piece of history, but I'm not sure a clear purpose came through. The last line didn't tie up and end. It didn't even connect to anything in the article. When was he tired? When did sleep evade him?

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story?
I'm not sure the point of this article. In saying that, I was interested in the bit about Kranz, Garman and others. They played a part, but for this article their story was informative but that's it.
You introduce Neil Armstrong and show his confidence and how he learned to use his power to sway people for good work/deeds.

*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
the section with the phrases seems out of place. Like you cut and pasted them there as an accident. There isn't a tie into them or a segue into the next section. If you take it out does it change anything in the article? If not take it out. If you want it there, give it a purpose. What is the significance for the reader to know these sayings?

Please read the following two words not as what you think is the intent but as it's meant. "SO WHAT?" Ask yourself this question after you read the first section. What did you tell the reader that informed them of something they didn't know already and for what purpose?
In the next section ask the same question. You told how Neil spoke and people acted. "So what?" My suggestion is to find a theme and tie the sections together. At the end tie them with the same thought. Maybe by reminding the reader how in the face of conflict, leadership is a gift and comes with responsibility. How Neil learned it from Gene and in turn saw how his words came with a responsibility to use them to incite people to a cause for good.

Just my suggestions.


from Hanna


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of For a Cookie  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello J.L. O'Dell
I just finished reading your post.


Overall Review:
This began like a typical fairy tale. It read exactly like something in a book. I half expected the little man to have a unrealistic name.


What is the goal or purpose?
This little girl, like every other character in a fairy tale, wants something faster, better or more than what she's been given or had previously. This is the same premise that most books start out with. In a novel the premise may start with The MC has been fired from his job, or the spouse having an affair is found out or is dead.


Is there a motivation?
In this story the girl wants to take a short cut though the woods(although woods are not specified). We are immediately transported to Little Red Ridinghood, We can summarize this motivation to correspond to the goals listed above. Hire and hitman, or the man goes home and comes back to the office with a gun.


What are the conflicts?
In this story, the girl must give up her inventory to get what she wants. However the little man is smart and doesn't give all the information at once.
When writing a longer piece or a novel, It's best to piece out information to keep the reader engaged.


What I Liked: I liked the idea it triggered the above correlation to writing for me. I wasn't intrigued with the story and would have moved on to something else but I wanted to challenge myself to read and review something I didn't immediately connect with.

What Needs Work:
The fact it has no real ending. It's supposed she'll run out of cookies before she gets the guidance she needs, if she ever does. It leaves you thinking and forming your own opinion. Not bad, but since this was so simple I'd expected it to have some resolution.



Power raid sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of GRACE  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello J.L. O'Dell
I just finished reading your post.


Overall Review:
I loved this story. It held my interest to the end. I like to read stories where the Almighty has a sense of humor but also a learning curve. This one fit the bill.

What is the goal or purpose?
Poor David, a guardian angel, felt his charge had worn him out and make a quick trip to the Almighty requesting a transfer. This in itself seemed the last straw. We've all been there. Assigned a task we felt over our capabilities.

Is there a motivation?
Angels have no motivation. They don't have a choice. They are given an task and there is no reason to refuse it. However, David has become weary of guarding this klutz.

What are the conflicts?
David has an interminable task. Its seems his charge can trip over a dust bunny. He begins to list her failures as if God didn't already know them. They are very real and the reader can sympathize with the overworked angel.

What I Liked: I loved the flow of the story. The conversation between David and God seemed real. Even to the point where he swears and Jesus appears. I was a bit put off by it but the instant arrival of his name calling seemed appropriate.
I like the way God explained his job. Then explained the job of Mary's angel to Jesus.

What Needs Work:
I don't say this needs work, but if you were going to tweak this story I suggest you look at the moment he needs to return. I felt this was too convenient. He left her in bed and in a few short minutes by Heaven's standards, she awake and headed out on the street? This is too much of a stretch for me in this short of a piece. I could see him being told she woke to go the the bathroom and the dog is lying asleep near the door. IF he flew turbo speed, he could make it there to prevent the dog from being stepped on and her falling into the bathroom and hitting her head. David is aghast at the possibility of his charge being hurt, disappears in a flash and bang.
This is when God and Jesus talk. I have one last thought, What do you mean with your last sentence? I didn't understand the reference that he was to have a brother. He had a brother named John. God was just talking about Mary and the donkey, but David's charge lives in the 21st century. I became a bit confused here.

Power raid sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Ezekiel Stephens )
I just finished reading your post.


Overall Review: The premise of this peice is an amazing idea. I loved the subtle reference to the present mode of communication. The transitioning to what it could be and is. Instagram came to my mind.

What is the goal or purpose? I'm not sure this came through. It started as a story then morphed into a article on Audio-visual Comm.

Is there a motivation? The same applies to the goal. There wasn't a motivation established. If this were just an article based on the "What if AV-Com became? or "Look what AV-Comm is becoming." The goal would be to warn. The motivation would be to inform.

What are the conflicts? There aren't any. In a story, one needs all of the above to become an actual story.

What I Liked: I did the exact thing described and posted it as my profile on FaceBook. What I liked was the possible story behind the technical insert. My mind went to what the Main Character job might be. Why was he monitoring the feed? I thought about the TV series Person of Interest and this could be something along side that thought.


What Needs Work:
If this is a story the goal of the main character needs to be established and following that what is motivating him/plot to move toward the end of the story. What drives readers to continue are the conflicts you insert to derail the goal.
You can certainly add all that side note information on Audio-Visual Communication into the story as it moves forward.
I had so many thoughts and ideas from your story. Sci-fy stories of possible scenes. I hope you rework this into an exciting story.


Power raid sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of Missing  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hello Lisa Noe~Kittylove
I just finished reading your post.


Overall Review: I managed to read it completely. The premise of the story is good. I looked at the date it was written and realized it was a number of years ago. I also know most of the other posts are poetry.

What is the goal or purpose? This is a story about a young girl who goes missing from her dorm in a foreign country. There is a police investigation and the criminal blabs.

Is there a motivation? The motivation in this story is hard to find. I guess the guy wanted to rape her. This is something that needs to established in the story. He doesn't show up until the end. There is a reference to this. It's called Chekov's gun. If the gun is used at the end, it better be mentioned at the beginning. We didn't know about the guy until after the fact. He seemed to be thrown at the reader. "Oh by the way there was this guy..."

What are the conflicts? The girl is missing and then a man is talked about and then he's questioned.

What I Liked: I love a good mystery/crime story. I write them and have published this type. I liked you idea.

What Needs Work: The only thing that needs work is the layout of the story. It needs to be cut and pasted in the correct order of events so the reader starts with the introduction of the main character and planting clues that lead to the abduction. Then the police procedure. The man telling what happened is too convenient, but that can be worked into the story.
I'd love to help you take this apart and rewrite it, if you're interested in plotting a mystery.


Power raid sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello K.HBey
I just finished reading your post.


Overall Review: A quiet day at the beach is what I also love. The author arrives with the intent to enjoy the solitude but it's interrupted.
You give the reaction of the family in more detail than the conflict. I loved this short story. I have been in the situation where a sneaker wave pulled me into the ocean. It wasn't too deep and I was able to regain my footing. the result of that dunking is etched in my memory. My mind immediately went there.

What is the goal or purpose? As I stated the writer wants to enjoy the view when it's interrupted.

Is there a motivation? This author is a human who has the instinct we all have, to save a life. We automatically jump to prevent the loss of life. Knowing the author is has a background in the medical field it's a reaction more ingrained.

What are the conflicts? A child is drowning. She is afraid of a dog swimming nearby.

What I Liked: There is a calm beginning and a dramatic action escalates to a possible action but resolves to a satisfying conclusion.

What Needs Work:
Your English has some issues, but its not your first language so it's understandable.
I loose myself here on the sand and time the word should be lose
my eyes are caught by such cute child who seems to drown. While this isn't all that bad it doesn't read as easy as this might My eyes immediately search the water for the source of the sound. It's not playful and my instincts are on alert. A child, thrashing in the waves, she can't swim and needs help.
I love that the person reacts, but this line doesn't engage the seriousness of the situation. I let my phone and everything and run to the child quickly and save such beautiful girl of five years old.
You might try words that evoke anxiety I leave my phone and everything on the sand. Running with all my strength, I enter the water, my eyes on the the child and grab her from the clutches of death. We fight the water to the shore where her parents wait with alarm. At this time the age if the child isn't known.
Her parents are strayed and cannot do anything. Her mother is crying and her father keeps his daughter fast from me. This sentence confused me. The placement would seem to be describing the reaction of the parents after saving their daughter. It might read Her parents pulled the child from my arms. I'm not offended by their action.
I give an explanation to them that a big dog has been swimming and then has been near her. She has become afraid and has got a panic and has lost herself under water which has kept her away a quiet far from the shore. I understood what you wrote. Again the wording is difficult. This might flow better.
I explained to them a dog swam close to her and she tried to move away in fear, but lost her footing and the current pulled her deeper in the water. You don't have use those words, but explaining with more detail helps to give the reader a mental picture of what she observed.


Power raid sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Lisa Noe~Kittylove

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: It drew me in to read what this woman learned about smoking. I don't know if this is a story that is about you or someone you know. It reads very personal and knowledgeable. I found it interesting and I felt compassion for the woman.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? This woman has a long family history of cancer and lung disease caused from smoking. While at first she is in denial, events caused to her rethink her resistance to quitting.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? You show that at first she ignored the motivation to quit smoking. Yet when she had to face a situation where she wasn't able to smoke for weeks, the choice to quit was imperative.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? You list all the conflicts experienced by her family due to their smoking habit.
Then came her own incidents that affected her life. The auto accident I felt was her wake-up call, yet I feel she still struggled with the addiction. Then came the numerous health issues similar to her family's that finally became too much to ignore.

*Pencil* Resolution: She quit. She used a prescribed help and overcame the habit.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? This isn't about developing a character. This is about showing how choices can ruin a life even to the point of death.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: There isn't much I'd change. This is a testimony of a life almost ruined by smoking. I'd love to see this in a pamphlet set in a doctor's office or handed out to kids who think smoking is cool. There are enough ads about the danger of smoking yet people continue to do it. Unlike drinking, smoking is addictive.


from Hanna


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Rated: E | (3.0)
I love reading Mary Shelley. After reading two of your posts on her, I find them interesting in content. You have the facts, but the layout/format of the piece is difficult to follow and leaves the reader feeling like this is a lecture.

*BulletO* Adding paragraphs and breaking up the thoughts a bit more will keep the reader interested.

*BulletO* When a reader sees a page full of text, closely spaced with run on sentences it isn't as appealing and may put off the casual reader.

*BulletO* Right in the middle of a paragraph you do punch it up with a bold question. What if it read more like this?

The circle of driven writers, included Percy Shelley,Coleridge,Lord Byron,Leigh Hunt Thomas love Peacock,John Keats. Mary wasn't alone in producing volumes of novels and a few poems. It was her incredible story of Frankenstein which marked her name in the history of literature forever.At the time she wrote this novel, she was still Mary Godwin, not the Mary Shelley we've come to love.

I'm sorry for rewriting your paragraph. Do you see the difference in how the same information is presented in a manner that a reader identifies with and not as fact on a page? As if you the writer are talking to the reader and trying to influence them to read her work or look at more of her writings by knowing her background. There is a lot more to the story than the brief bit you wrote. Way more that would interest a reader to know more about Mary, who she was and what drove her to write Frankenstein.

*BulletO* All in all I'd love to see the information arranged or grouped by time. First her upbringing. More detail or perception and less "Here are the facts ma'am."

We must infer that Mary loved her father and loved working in his book store. She must have read many of the novels of the day and he would have encouraged her to create stories more interesting than what she read. I'm sure her father loved them all. (Was he alive when she published? Did he help her publish? Did he read Frankenstein? These are observations you can add to incite your reader to imagine her life as a young girl.
This is just my thoughts.


Masterclass student


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear debmiller1

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: If my mother were 20 years younger (she's 91) this grandma would be her. I loved the story. I loved they way you introduced the characters and the problem. When I finished I wanted more. This is a great way to leave a reader. You could honestly post installments on the newsfeed page.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? Karen wants her life back. Her private life. She wants freedom.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Her grandma's constant interest in her daily life is frustrating. She wants her privacy and is blaming her brother for teaching Grandma about the internet and electronic gadgets.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Grandma, it seems isn't content to live her life alone. Now she wants to live it through her grandchildren. That means spying on them. Karen is discovering just how into her life her grandma has inserted herself.

*Pencil* Resolution: Karen and her brother are going to have a talk with grandma.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? Yes. We see two young people who love their grandma and seem to have a good rapport.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: Nothing. The story hooked me and had me smiling at first and chuckling as it went on. My only suggestion is to put this in a "book" and write short episodes about Grandma's antics. You can post links to each new calamity on the news feed. I know there will be many who will look for more about the Nosey Grandma.


from Hanna


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of Game Models  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear jeffhan

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: The concept you have written is intriguing. I'm of an age that's past this type of gaming, but I can see where the younger generation would find it fascinating. Especially if the world didn't have what we have today. I think you love the game idea and wanted to write it so others would like it too. I think you might give the reader the game experience.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? The POV comes from the author or writer. This person is a gamer and is looking to write a term paper. He describes the "game" in detail.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? This character likes playing interactive computer games. He sees what people enjoy doing and comes up with a "Game of Life" as I see it. He's motivated to get a good grade on this paper.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? There were none. This piece is just a press release on a fictional game description. Your conflicts are what happens when a person becomes so immersed in the "game" they don't choose to Live Life. What happens if you spent more money and can't buy groceries? In this game does everything come out even? The quest to buy groceries. What if you have a recipe and the item you need isn't available? All games have to have conflicts or challenges. You didn't express those. It seemed to easy.

*Pencil* Resolution: The guy must have received a good grade as his professor liked the concept.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? No. We don't connect with the main character. He's distant and uninvolved. I'd like to know more about his thoughts. That's why I suggested the scenario below.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
This isn't a story. It's an advertisement for a game or a prospectus for a game. My suggestion would be to write about playing the game not telling the reader about what it does.What challenges did the writer have while writing it? Unless you have a word count limit, this needs more work.
Is it a virtual game? Do you put on a headset and live the game? I find that playing a game like this when you don't do it in the real life is hypocritical. Here is the conflict you didn't have. How about the point where he has to DEFEND his paper. I didn't go to college so I have heard that when you write a thesis you have to defend it in front of a panel or a teacher. Write that. He walks in and they begin to question him on all the things you describe. Why is this a good game? What will it bring to society? What if people live in this culture but never do it in real life? They live in squalor, because in this world you don't really do it.
This piece reads as if you are casually telling your idea out loud. There is and over use of the "to be." (was, had, there, were, etc) Try to use them as little as possible.
You keep the reader at a distance. There isn't any connection to the reader or a reason for them to read it. What are you offering them? It's an idea. You aren't persuading them to buy it or play it. You are TELLING not showing.



from Hanna


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear DauntlessDruid

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I read the tag that said psychic. I had to find out what happened. I love where the story is going. I like Mallory and Lara. I feel this could become a good story. I can't judge since this is the beginning. My review will be about what I read in this small section.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? I don't know who your main character is yet. I think it maybe Lara, but since you started out with Mallory, I thought it was going to be her. I think Mallory is a teaser.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Let's just say Lara is the MC in the story. She might have more reason to insinuate herself into the story and move it forward. She has no motive other than she's been asked. This issue needs to be address. What is her backstory that will connect with the reader so they want her to take on the case and find the truth?
I had a detective what was flat. He was a body going through the motions. It took me number of times but I finally created a character with a fault the reader could connect with and his actions followed that fault.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? This is good! You created a cynical cop that isn't above bending the rules to fit his needs. I liked that. They don't believe Mallory and she's reached out to help and is rebuffed.
We have a mom asking for help. You gave Lana a plausible reason to be cautious about working on a case she didn't feel qualified to take on. I didn't like that you ended that segment with a question and no answer. It had to be Zeke.


*Pencil* Resolution: N/A

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? It's a start. I think they need a little more developing but this is the beginning and that can be added as the case goes on.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: I understand what you are trying to do in this piece. You want to introduce the problem and the characters. I feel that you threw too much at the reader in the beginning. Most readers want the problem. Then a bit more of the problem, then introduce the characters that will be the solution to the problem or villains that will try to impede the case.
I loved that you started with Mallory. I feel you should milk this interview out for a whole chapter, even if it's a short one. You gave one set of interviews yet you TOLD the reader she'd told the story a number of time. Do it.
Have untrained rookies ask her questions. They think they're smart and since the other cops don't want to be bothered she has to talk to lets say 3 cops. Each time she tells them something new. Just a detail the other cops didn't hear. That reveals more to the reader. Since no one really wants to talk to her they don't all write down all she says. She knows that because when she talks to Zeke and Chris, they ask her questions she's already answered. Zeke looks at the notes and there isn't much there. He starts to ask more detailed questions because he has a curiosity about people with ESP. He's not sure he believes they have abilities, but there is some proof they have helped before. Chris, his partner with more years in the service, shuts him down.
Note. If you're going to wipe her visit off the log, she can't talk to more than 1 or 2 cops. That would be too many lies to keep quiet. That would be a blackmail point against Chris. He wouldn't want that hanging over his head.

I suggest you don't jump into the visit with Mrs. R that quick. You need a transition between Mallory and Mrs. R. Introduce Lana. She enters her office. Does she drink coffee? If so then what kind of machine does she have. Is she and espresso drinker that loves good coffee? She might have a commercial one left by the previous owner of the office space. She cleaned it up and it makes a carafe that only lasts her through the morning. Does she have an assistant? Maybe she can only afford the daughter of one of the neighboring tenants that stopped and asked for work. She cleans and types letter and such. She's going to law college and this was good practice for her. Lana is going to be on her own in the fall.
there's a knock on the door and Lana hollers out for (?) to get it but no answer. She looks at her clock and its noon. The girl is gone so she has to answer it. The woman stands there with a card, hers. She tells Lana she needs help. Their conversation can last the whole chapter. It sets up Lana's character, the restates the problem which we read about in chapter 1 and Lana's resistance for taking the case.
After Mrs. R leaves she calls Zeke and they meet. She NEEDS to tell him her fears about taking on this case. Zeke needs to tell her why he gave Mrs. R her card and why he thinks she's just the person to do so. When he tells her about Mallory, WHAT IS LANA'S REACTION? This has to have a connection. Lana has to have something in her background that is either sympathetic to psychics or have a healthy respect for them that Zeke knows about. Otherwise why did Zeke give Mrs. R the card? who cares?

When you post more can you let me know so I can read it. I want to know what happens.
Terry Reid wrote a number of books about a woman detective who could see the dead and they asked for help to find their killers. The first books were fun to read after 8 I didn't like where her character grew to. I quit reading them.
from Hanna


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi, K5Rakitan


Overall Impression I think there is great potential in the story. You have a lot of characters. I was intrigued, as I was with your first selection.



Setting:
You spend a lot of time on dialgoue, with as little setting and movment as possible. I never know what Joan is walking into, or how she feels about anything. She is android. That how you make her feel to the reader. She moves through each scene with no impact on her settings or they on her.
Let's take her enternce. While she takes a shower, there are a three bottles attached to the wall. She squirts the shamppo into her hand (What does she smell?) The aroma is earthy and sensual. Messaging it into her hair, she thinks about what Seto might want her to do. After shampooing she spreads the companion body wash over her skin. Running her fingers between her legs she wonders what he'll think when he smells this on her? She refrains from any pleasuring. That will be later. Stepping out of the cube, she moans at the luxury of the soft cloth against her skin. Would he be upset if she took one of these home with her? She drops it to the floor.
Dry and perfumed, she steps out of the barthroom.

Do you see that adding setting, emotion and action bring the reader closer to Joan instead of keeping her at a distance


Plot:
The story moved and people moved. In each chapter you must remind the reader what's at stake. Where is the cost? Where is the intensity? Why is she doing this? If she loves her job, why should we care? If this is just a story to tillilate the reader, they could read Hustler or Playboy/girl.


Characters:

Tell me what Joan wants. If you told me in the previous post, tell me again. There needs to be hints all through the book that tickle the reader to want to read more. Sex gets old. It's boring. Give me some meat.

Suggestions:

You have too many characters in this part. Stick to Seto and Makuba. She's hooked Seto, He wants more. What does Joan have that makes him want her? Why is she doing Makuba? Just because he has money? Boring! She needs to have a motive. In Pretty woman, Vivian needed money, then she wanted to prove her worth to Edward. In the end he respected her and she him. She makes a choice to leave before he loses respect. He changes and decides she's worth the risk.

This may not be Joan's goal, but there needs to be a reason that will hook the reader. Make them care what happens to her. When Edward's lawyer slaps her and treats her like a whore, Edward repsonds and fire's him. Why? She is a whore.
Make your reader care for Joan the same way. Hate her or love her, make the reader care for someone in this story. Someone to root for in each chapter.

In conclusion:
When you begin to tell Joan's purpose and the characters she either steps on or is stepped upon you'll have a great story.


A super power image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear bkies

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I loved Nora. She is a spunky, sensitive girl. You have a story about her learning process and figuring things out. I like your characters and how they interact with Nora.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? The beginning of this story is about Nora and her dilemma. She was afraid her gift would be rejected by her class mates. After that she decides to enter a writing contest and needs to find out what to write about.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? What everyone wants, to be accepted and liked by their peers

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? The first conflict is her desire to talk to her teacher. Then solving a math problem and finally looking for something to submit to the essay contest.

*Pencil* Resolution: There isn't a resolution. The story just ends.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? There is a lot of character description and back story. The reader learns a lot about her home life and how incidents in her life affect her.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
I'm not sure of your target. If it's YA or YP you have over written the target. You have a wonderful plot. A girl's problem with show and tell. I think you should stick to that. The rest had nothing to do with your title and I didn't understand the last part of the story.

You do a lot of TELLING. There is a lot of back story that takes the reader out of the main plot.

Here is my suggestion: You have an issue with finding your POINT of VIEW. This story is told with Nora as the MC. Only what she sees, hears or thinks can be included here. The rest is back story and not her POV. It needs to be cut, but it can be inferred into what Nora receives.

You might want to start with the teacher announcing the task. This is showing not telling. Show the reactions of the kids as they get excited. Show how Nora listens to her classmates discuss which of the many gifts they received they will bring in. Maybe her friends discuss with her what they are going to bring. This SHOWS the difference in what they got and there seems to be a problem because Nora just smiles and acts like she has the same problem. Then she approaches the teacher. That section is good.

When she gets home she looks a the one gift she got and remembers opening gifts.I loved the part about the frame. Don't go into such detail about her making it. Stick to her remembering how her dad loved it as he opened it before he gave her her gift. Then the moment her dad handed her the bag and said, "I'm sorry I couldn't buy you gifts to fill the spots around the tree. This is the best I could do. I hope you like it." Nora can hug her dad and tell him she loves whatever he give her. When she opens it and read the inscription they can talk about it. She can ask if he thinks she could be an author? He might tell her he likes the stories she writes and shares with him. This establishes she's a writer and that's why he thought she'd love the pen.

Then show how she arrives at school. You tell how she feels angry about not getting to go first. I'm a little confused why she would have this attitude. She fears the rejection of her classmates then is angry at not going first? That seems to conflict with how you portrayed her in the beginning. What if her friends meet her in the hall carrying large bags with their gifts inside? (Show and tell means just what it says)

She has hers in her backpack. She hurry's by them so they don't ask what she's going to show. I'd think she'd slip into her seat and try to make herself as small as possible so she didn't attract the teacher's attention. As each child spoke, she might think how small her gift is compared to theirs. Then it's her turn. She hesitates when she speaks (like her father, you can show his speech when he gives her the gift) the kids start snickering at her and she struggles to get the words out. The teacher can silence the class and encourage her take a deep breath.

Nora tells how her father (she makes up a big story) Spent a lot of time looking for a gift that would be special to her. She holds up the pink pen. He knew I love pink and sparkles. The pen has Find your voice on it. She explains what it means and how someday she will write a book and become an author. The kids laugh and the teacher shushes them and says something about putting your heart and mind into something is a good thing. Her friends all want to see the pen and they are supportive of her. They like the pen and think its neat. This could be the end of your story.

The part about the math was confusing to me. I didn't understand what it had to do with the rest of the story. How did the pen and Find Your Voice come into play?

My suggestion is to have her see the essay contest. Ask about something to write about. Then when she decides her story, don't tell it. Just tell how she writes a story and submits it. Then tell the results of it. If she wins something ($) She and her dad show up for the ceremony and after accepting the prize she hands her dad the check. He tells her he's adding it to her college fund her mother set up. She reaches in her pocket and squeezes the pen. Thanks Dad for the pen, It was the best gift ever," The end

Meeting the other girl doesn't move your story to the end. She isn't a conflict or has an important part her goal.

I hope you see how using the main focus of you story can turn it into a story that keeps to the POV and engages the reader to the end. They want to know how the pen fits into this story.
Sorry this is so long.


from Hanna


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello K5Rakitan My name is Masterclass student and I'm responding to your request for a review of "Kaiba's Prostitute - Part 1

*DropR*Title Very Apropo. A great lead in to this story and not at all offensive.

*Dropr* BeginningYour introduction went well. I don't know a lot about anime, but my son watches it a lot so I've seen some of it in passing. Most of it is for the younger set.
Your lead into this story gave me the idea of where your characters fit in. You introduce a lot of characters that I don't feel was necessary to the story. When doing your rewrite, the introduction should be only those who are important to the movement of the chapter, not the whole story. Laura and her boyfirend, Joan and Seto as well as Marc. The rest of the crew should be just window dressing.
I get that the story seems to be from the writer's POV. We see all and hear the thoughts of 3 characters. That keeps it simple.

*Dropr* Setting I like the setting. You introduce the set up at the beginning but once the conversation starts all movement and setting disappears. You concentrate on the reaction of the characters not their place in the setting. Try using more setting to accentuate the emotion and the titillation between the main characters. Touching a statue and using her fingers to emulate sex on the smooth stone can excite most males in the room. Is she an accomplished sex worker? If so she will know the male fixation on the body. Even touching herself seemingly unconsciencously

*Dropr* Characters I love Joan, Marc and Seto. I think that you have developed great characters. I don't have anything negative to say about them. I like then and I think they will work well going forward. You might add a fault or weakness to the characters that the reader will understand. They're too perfect.

*Dropr* Goal I don't get the goal of this story. Is it just about Joan? It sounds a little like Pretty Woman. the change that comes when people are faced with a perosn that causes them to relook at who they are and what they want. I love Pretty Woman. I think I like Joan and Seto also.

*Dropr* Motivation As I mention above, I don't get what the goal is for this story, so the motivation doesn't come through. We have a woman and a man, both want sex and the whole company seems to be fine with it. Joan didn't seem to need money, or power. If she has a need you should insert it somewhere up front. When she enters the office and Marc is talking to the others, insert her desire. Not just to have sex with Marc, but what does she want from the relationship? If this is just to pass the time then this story goes no where. Give the reader something for hold on to as she makes her choices,or is forced to make choices.

*Dropr* Conflict I didn't get much of this either. The story moved to smoothly. There was the incdent at the end of the story but it was rushed. To superficial. Add a little emotion to the conflct. Also this seems to be the only conflict in the whole piece. It covers some time. You might want to insert a little angst into the story. Someone feels left out, someone might feel slighted. Everyone is just too happy with the playing field. You need to through a monkey wrench into the situation. Joan needs to see someone has done something that's underhanded or acts with a jealous manner. Something.

*Dropr* What I liked I loved the subtle sexual references. The foreplay and the verbal jousting. That back and forth is good and you are very good at it. Keep up the goiod wirk there.

*Dropr* My Suggestions. I gave most of my suggestions above. Just adding little things to this will hook the reader and draw them deeper into the story. They will keep turning the page to find out if Joan gets what she wants or will Seto use her and throw her back to Marc. Will Marc take her back? What did she have to pay for this act? She id getting money, but what does she really want from him? What if she thinks she can change him? Show him how to overcome his fear of all women are gold diggers? We know you can't change someone who doesn't want to be changed, but like Pretty Woman, sometime under neath the fear is a kernal of hope that love will overcome. That there is really a woman for every man.... HOPE is the goal.

My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review of The Emigrant  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear Robert Edward Baker

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I read this out of curiosity. This was for the What a character Contest. I think you did a good job of showing Mark's character. I didn't expect this to be sci-fi, but it worked out without a blatant telling.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? Mark is trying for restitution. You showed in the beginning the set up of the meeting with his ex-wife and son. The rest of the story details the past and its affect on the present.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Mark loves his family. You show to the reader he made a bad choice. In reality, it would seem he was in a situation where alcohol lowered the ability to deflect the onslaught of the situation, but one usually has a choice somewhere along the way. He feels the need to justify the past, but in doing so will permanently sever the connection to his loved ones. I feel this is pretty drastic.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? You provide the reader with the past choice that forced him into this situation. It would seem your feelings are a bad choice is unjustifiable and cannot be forgiven. It shows in this story.

*Pencil* Resolution: The momentary joy of the day will long be felt as his son grows. Depending on the story his mother spins about his dad, this one day will never make up for his father abandoning him. Another poor choice.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? I don't think the character develops. I think the story develops around the character's choices. What I don't see is how he changed from the days of the incident to now. It would seem he gave up. If that's your motive then you succeeded. As a reader I don't feel sorry for him. I don't empathize with the wife. The story leaves me depressed and without hope.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: Give the reader a smidgen of hope. Maybe at the end, when he leaves, he posts a letter to be given to his son when he turns 25. Hopefully he will be mature enough and made some mistakes of his own to forgive his father, abstentia.

Characters need to change in a story. Even for the worse. I'd like to see him start by enjoying the time with his son, not sitting and talking to his ex-wife.

Maybe change the setting. Move the story a few hours ahead into the Disney time. While James is on a ride, Judy (you only mention her name once)peppers him with questions and asks why all this for one day? Maybe spend your word count on their interaction and less on the meal and setting.

This is about character not setting. You might cut and paste their conversation on a page, without setting. What does this tell you about Mark's character? It may help when you're rewriting.


from Hanna


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of On Giving Reviews  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear § Roseille ♥

*Pencil* What I liked about the article: I wanted to see how you approached the touchy topic of reviewing. I found it interesting. Even the part you acknowledge someone might scroll down. All in all you did a good job.

*Pencil* What is the goal? This article was written to give others on this site a run down of how to review. Reviewing is the platform of this site. You can post all the stories you want, but if no on reads them and tell you if they were any good, what's the point? You can leave them in your own computer file on your desk.

*Pencil* What motivates this writer of this article? Like most of us, it's the desire to help others grow as writers and to enhance the experience of using this site and format.

*Pencil* Resolution: This is a informative and easy to understand article. I'd be proud to point others to read it.

*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
There is only one point I didn't see, and it may have been subtly inferred. The biggest issue with new reviewers is the tendency to review how the reader FEELS about a post.
Reviewing has nothing to do with your personal belief, creed or persuasion. You may mention that the piece you read provoked an emotion. That's it. Not whether it made you mad, or caused you grief or even offended you. You, the reviewer must keep you personal opinion of what the purpose of the piece is about to your self. Do not use the review to debate what you read. Post your own article defending your idea on your own page.
You can choose not to review a piece that falls in this category. You don't HAVE to put your two bits in and make an argument for or against what you read. This is not the time or place for that.
This is where I failed when I first started on Wdc. I reviewed moral issue with my review. I was told to kindly keep my personal thoughts to myself and here is the link to the class on reviewing. *Bigsmile* I took the class and practiced to be a better reviewer.
This is an article worth posting on the news feed now and then.

from Hanna


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear Soldier_Mike

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: Over all it's a great feel good story. There is an opening, middle and a "nice" tie up at the end. I love these type of stories because they inspire me to press on, to keep going toward my goal even when I don't feel I'm doing it "right." It's purpose is to inspire.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? The goal is twofold. We see the speaker telling a story. His purpose is to encourage people to change, or take a chance when given a second chance. You accomplished this general purpose.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? It becomes evident at the end that there is a higher motive to telling this story. It's telling is the purpose and motivation.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? The poor man is ordinary. Most of us, especially writers, feel this way. It's why we write. Take those inner inhibitions and inspire others with our ability to move the reader. Here the young man comes face to face with possible death. The act caused a reaction. To some it might cause them to withdrawn even more. Mike chose a different path. Not one of aggression to which it would be perfectly normal to extend his military commitment and become a killer or even a more aggressive trainer. Instead the conflict itself worked on his motivation and changed his goal.

*Pencil* Resolution: We have a great ending that leaves everyone including the audience with a thought provoking question as to how will they/us proceed with our lives.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? You do a good job introducing the character, Mike. He comes across as a real person. The change he chooses to make is real and relatable.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: Now comes the hard part. The story is sweet, and easy to read. BUT, it lacks emotion. I don't feel anything but ordinary and then he makes a choice and AWWW! Is that what you want? If so don't continue reading.


If you want to insert emotion you will need to add words that evoke feeling. Mike is ordinary, so ordinary we don't have a feeling for him. Then you insert the speaker's observation of the audience as if that will garner emotion. I'd take them out. Your audience is the reader. You are speaking to the reader as the audience. Revealing there is a congregation at the end lends to the persuasion of his speech.

The beginning is the set up and fine. But You are telling the reader he's ordinary. How does he feel about that? He drifts along, but is he really happy? You say he joined the Army with a vague notion of making a mark. Here is a spot to show emotion. How did he think he was going to make a mark? He was ordinary, He didn't ruffle the water he's emotionless.
This young man graduated. The life before him seemed more of the same. His friends talked about college, but it seemed more of what he'd been through. He wanted something different. Something with a challenge. An idea came to him. Military, that was exciting. You got to travel to far away places. The training was like going to college and still, you could DO something not float through life. He joined. Boot camp had him second guessing his choice. Add something humorous. Do you see that maybe the reader can connect with Mike on a more personal level? Most speakers add humor to a speech.
What was his specialized training? My first question as I read. Will any of it help in the coming situation?
Then he has an encounter. Let's look at that. You give the setting. Most everyone knows where he is and you can leave those details in if you want. Emotion: What does he think about the crowd? Given his training? Does it ever cross his mind this is a perfect set up for pickpockets? I'm sure he's been warned about them. How about muggers? He never had any thoughts about the possibility? Then the unthinkable happens. a man (describe him and his reaction to him)
Mike tried to maneuver his bike through the crowd and around a man standing in front of him. Before he could pass the man grabbed the handlebar not allowing Mike to pass him. Mike looked into the man's hard eyes. This wasn't a tourist. This was a confrontation. His heart sped up, pounding in his chest. "Get off the bike." The man growled and shook the bike, almost knocking Mike over. Mike gripped the handles in his sweating palms, (insert what he says back to the man) The man now puts one hand into his jacket pocket and pulls the jacket so that whatever is in the pocket is now pointing at Mike. Do you see how adding emotion, action and dialogue pulls the reader further into the moment. You want your reader to feel the tense fear Mike is feeling. If you don't then his reaction to the situation is HOHUM.
Mike determines he's not ordinary. He's not giving up his bike. What does his training tell him? He could knock the man down in a minute with his bike, but then...there's what's in the pocket and that might hurt others in the crowd. Sweat beads his upper lip and he doesn't take his eyes off the man's. He can see whatever is in the pocket being jerked in his direction. Is this going to be the end of his life? What had he done to make his mark? These thoughts jumbled with instructions from his boot camp trainer. His steadfast refusal to give and show fear, caused the man to back down and slip into the crowd and disappear.
Mike shivered realizing he may have dodged the bullet. His body still in a high Adrenalin reaction, spurred him to pedal back to the barracks as fast as he could.
I hope this helps as you go forward. Adding Emotion even if it's small words inserted will bring this to a much more anticipated ending. One that inspires the reveal to the reader who Mike is and to the audience the reader didn't know about. (Other than maybe at the beginning show how he grips the podium as he lays his notes on it)

I hope this was what you were asking for.


from Hanna


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I just read this, maybe for the first time? Then again I've been here a while and I may have read it years ago.
Even though Sticktalker has passed, the words he penned are still relevant today. They are as fresh to a new writer and reviewer as ever words can be.
I thank The StoryMistress /The StoryMaster for keeping this posted and linking it for new, and old, reviewers to read and renew what they think they may already know.
Wise words should never be hidden, they can live on in the hearts and minds of all writers.
Editing


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review of The Ad  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear William Stafford

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: The prompt hooked me. I like the beginning and your voice. I pictured the bartender looking like the cool picture on your bio.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? I know this is just a brief throw down of a thought and into to a possible story or is this going to be a novel? That will determine how much information you put at the beginning. What is his goal? What reason did he have for going?
You TELL the reader his background. What if you start with the phone call right off as he's looking at the ad. Then ask. Did you put in this ad (read it to them) they interrupt Yea Yea. They ask him questions. 1) Who is he? 2) Does he work for any law reinforcement? 3) Does he have his own weapons? 4) can he meet them atxxx? This let's your character tell them he does odd jobs and needs money and WHY he answered the ad. They want to prequalify him a little more and inform the reader what you have in your head.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Here is another part to introduce into the conversation at the bar. They have to tell him something about the "job" or what he's going to be compensated for going. You need to have a WHY? Why did he go when he didn't really have the extra money for the Uber? Why did he wait when this seemed to be the wrong place. He can think these things as he sips the beer and the reader finds out a little about him. Is he nervous? Inpatient? ready to give up at the drop of a hat or when things aren't right in front of him? These are things you will know if you fill out a character sheet on him and his "partners"

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Now the first conflict we see is his lack of money. Then no one seems to be there to meet him. Then his lack of weapon. All a very good start! What I didn't get is What is this choice going to cost him? What is at stake if he goes or doesn't? You will need to decide what your character is going to choose? In Star Wars, Luke's uncle and aunt are killed and he has no place to live. That's pretty awful. Then we have Bilbo Baggins. He loves his home and has no reason to leave it. WHY does he and what is at stake for him? You will need to make that known to the reader. Then add the conflicts they encounter throughout the story.

*Pencil* Resolution: I know this is the beginning, but while they are talking, it seems the bar is empty, it's just them and the bartender who is watching TV. They will need to tell him what they want out of this trip and why they need him. What will he get if he goes? at then end he gets a piece of the treasure? OR will he find where a treasure is hidden and come back in time to dig it up? Like the curse of oak Island.. Could he go back and find out who went there and where they may have hidden a stash? (note: if you went with this idea, I have a great side story you could add that would be so cool)

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? This was too short to develop but I loved your main character. I grinned at the humor you have the MC and bartender. The setting and their dialogue is good. You definitely have a good handle on that. I'd like to know how you're going to change him over the course of this story. 1)What is his strength at the beginning and will it change at the end? 2)What will he learn by this he can use in the future? Will it change his desires? Will greed enter into his personality and change him or will he be able to fight that? This is something you can hint at the beginning. What is he like now and over the course of the story that will have to change. Well not completely. But the conflict will have to say give him an opportunity to change and he may choose not to. To remain constant in his moral compass. In my soon to be published novel, I have a man who is a Detective, good at his job but hates Organized Crime. (because they were responsible for the death of his partner, wife and child) In the end he still hates OC but he's moved on with his life. So you can change other ways.


*Pencil* Over all thoughts: I think you have a great start to a story, but there isn't a lot of information in this snippet. It leaves me with a ton of questions and wanting more, as you see above.


from Hanna


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review of 8 1/2 MURDERS  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Donkey Hoetay My name is Masterclass student and I'm responding to your request for a review of "8 1/2 MURDERS
I finished this review and it was so good! then I went away to get a new image and lost it. Here is what I remember.

*DropR*Title It's a great title. It meets the description of the story.

*Dropr* Beginning I like the start with the description of the setting, the main character's thoughts and put the reader right into the action.

*Dropr* Setting You did a good job with the beginning of the story and setting the scene. After that the setting was pushed to the back while the action took over. Still the reader knew right where the main character was at all times.

*Dropr* Characters You main character was quite the killer. I feel there were some things that might have made this a little more intense. He reacted to the situations without a lot of thought. These seemed to be crimes of opportunity. If an 'evil twin' was his driving factor you didn't credit it enough. Either make his intervention more prominent or leave it out.
I'm a True Crime buff and this guy lacked some key elements of a killer. His planning was good to a point but it was more stupid luck than anything else. That has the reader wincing a bit.

*Dropr* Goal It seems he's killing the first person out of revenge, but it's a weak point. He needs a little more nudge toward his goal without revealing it outright. Save that for the end.

*Dropr* MotivationTo move up the corporate latter seems overdone. Although people have killed for less. Here is where you need to insert the 'evil twin' more. He needs to show what motivates him to Kill, why not just reveal what he knows? Oh yeah everything gets covered up.

*Dropr* Conflict Here you do a great job at creating conflict. The action, not so good, but we can fill in the blanks. This is an action driven story. If you want to make it more 'realistic' you'll need to give more detail of the conflicts both internally and externally

*Dropr* The Plot You have a great idea. You executed it well and planned it with a great reveal at the end. I have no problem with your plot.

*Dropr* What I liked I love a good murder story. Yours was quite interesting. The end caught me unaware. I had a different vocation for him and the reveal of his "uniform" surprised me.

*Dropr* My Suggestions I made some suggestions above so I won't reiterate them here. The trite ending needs improvement. One that leaves the reader looking at those around him with the same vocation a little closer.

My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!


from Hanna


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review of Fairie Child  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Trish
I just finished reading your posting


Overall Review: This is a wonderful Fairy tale that could be read no matter what age. It's nice to find a story that isn't a remake of something else with an expected ending. Your story read well and I felt the satisfaction of a happy ending.

What is the goal or purpose? This story is meant to bring happiness. While reading it you are expected to feel the couple lived a happy life having added to their family someone to nurture and in return they were nurtured.

Is there a motivation? Somewhere is the great scheme of things a master is giving rewards to those who deserve it. I assume this couple must have had a good life, and wanted to a child. This seems to be a common theme among early storytelling. Having seen a shooting star and believing it to bring a reward to those who see it, goes in search of a possible reward.

What are the conflicts? The desire for a child to fulfill an emptiness in a woman's life. Her husband, loving her wishes for her happiness but doesn't see who to accomplish this after so many years.
This seems to be a common theme in the old storytelling. Children were to bring contentment to a woman and a caretaker as the couple aged. This is still a concept in may countries outside of the USA.

What I Liked:
I love a good fairy tale with a happy ending. You fulfilled that in this story.

What Needs Work: I didn't see anything that needed fixing. My only suggestion is; if this was written for a contest and that is over. It would make a wonderful longer piece. Adding more detail, setting, motivation and a few conflicts. Keep the ending just as it is.
Keep writing!


Click to go to WDC Power Reviewers
24
24
Review of The Search  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear PastorJuan

*Pencil* What I liked about the poem: I read a review of this poem and it drew me to read it myself. I don't normally read or review poetry, this one I understood.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? This story is a dream of what might happen, given the Biblical revelations. You gave an example of the end depending on the path taken.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? It would seem that this brief look into hell reveals a motivation to change ones ways as to avoid ending in such a place.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? My assumption was, there are pastors that preach the truth even when it's not popular or liked. That sometimes it's a hard lesson to teach. That this would be the result when one cares only for the money, power, prestige that is received when the sermons are only about the goodness.

*Pencil* Resolution: There is a judgment coming. There will be consequences for those who don't preach the truth along with the blessings. When you only give and get the loaves and fishes, there will be a time of reckoning.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: Nothing. I actually understood the poem which for me is unusual. good job.


from Hanna


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, sindbad I was drawn to your story because the title and brief description.


Overall Impression

I rolled the die and found this. I almost didn't read it as the format is like a poem and I don't review poems. The title intrigued me and I thought I'd take a chance and see if I understood the poem. It wasn't a poem but a parable.

Setting:

I'm not sure of the setting. My guess is a bygone era in a foreign land not at all like mine. At least not in my circle.

Plot:

Once I started the story it hooked me. A man with four wives, what would he do with them? The story started with what each meant to him and how he treated them differently. It ended with the moral meaning behind each of the wives reactions to his impending death. I found the story to be a good analogy and truthful.

Characters:

Each wife represented a characteristic. The husband represented what the word HUSBAND should mean. The caregiver, the nurturer and planter. He didn't do what he was supposed to. He failed in his husbandly duty and reaped the rewards.

Suggestions:

My only suggestion is the first wife at the end. You tell the reader the husband was greatly grieved, but not why. You might rework this and add that because she was so malnourished, she couldn't serve him. She wouldn't take the place of the beauty of the 4th wife or provide him with the monetary gifts of the third wife, or the physical comfort of number 2. This would explain the story to someone who didn't understand. Even at the end when you tell why it didn't explain the reactions earlier. Don't assume anything in a story like this. The moral representation of the story needs to match the components of the story.

In conclusion:

While the suggestions are just to fill out the story and make it so even the unchurched understand the meaning, those of us who have a faith and "get it" will love your story.

A super power image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
578 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 24 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/thekindred