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Review Requests: ON
1,427 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a form I use for reviews. I look for a Goal, Motivation, Conflict and Resolution. It also allows me to tell what I liked and what I thinks needs improving. In my reviews I may make suggestions by adding my take on what the author is trying to say. Purely a suggestion to take or leave as needed.
I'm good at...
Giving in depth and fair reviews. I usually review stories that interest me. I don't always like them but they have promise and potential. I am fair but I AM reviewing. I do not review grammar or spelling. I do point out past and present tenses as well as the over use of WAS, WENT, THE and THAT in one story so watch those.
Favorite Genres
inspirational, mystery,action/Adventure, paranormal and anything that falls into those broad genre, some fantasy and comedy
Least Favorite Genres
Vampires,YA or adult. This genre is overrated and unless you write much better than Steph Meyer, I probably won't read it. Most Non-fiction unless the premise interest me. Always worth an ask.
Favorite Item Types
Everything in the STATIC file except the ones listed below: Look down
Least Favorite Item Types
Appendix, bulletin, campfire, in n out, editorial,letter/memo, lyrics, outline, preface, script/play, Poetry.
I will not review...
Poetry. I don't understand this style and don't feel confident to review it. Novel or novella, I reserve the right to refuse to review. Not to hurt feelings, but time wise it may be something I can't give good attention to, but always ask.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Size of a Thought  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear jdennis This review is given in response to your request.

*Quill* What I liked about the story: There was a fast pace to it. The action moved along with the story toward the conclusion. While this isn't my type of reading, the concept is basic.


*Quill* What is the goal of the main Character? This is what I found lacking. I have no idea what Jonah's goal is. I felt like I'd been dropped into the middle of a story without any forewarning.


*Quill* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Because there was no goal for Jonah, he just needed to get out of a hotel room with a dead body.


*Quill* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?Here is where you excel. You had a lot happening. Most of the conflict or Deus de Machina were all over the place. It was entertaining to see what would almost magically happen next.


*Quill* Resolution: Here is were I got totally lost. You kill off the main character. Then throw an explanation at the end to try to tie it up in a bow.


*Quill* Do the characters develop in this story? Not enough. This is a plot segment that needs more development into a longer piece. There is so much you can do with it. Expand Jonah and Allison. Give them both a story.



*Quill* What do I think needs work:
as my left foot pulled from under the sheet and fell to the carpet,When I read this I thought the foot detached and fell to the floor. I had to read it twice as I was laughing, and realized it wasn't a joke. I suggest you rewrite this to say. I eased my foot from the covers feeling for the floor to steady my body from the sense the room swirled.
The hand on my forehead belonged to someone who lay next to me and that "someone" had long graceful fingers finished in gold bands, set with precious stones. As I read later I find the woman is dead. How did her hand get to be on his forehead? This seemed a bit off to me. Maybe rewrite this action.



As I said above there is so much potential here for a longer more exciting story. The story as written is a bit confusing and if someone should stick with it to the end, they'd still wonder why? Who were those characters?
You leave the reader with too many questions in the end.
I, for one, would love to see you really rework this piece to SHOW more instead of TELL.



My PDG Skeeter Sig
2
2
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.

what was the goal if the main character?
A wife has decided her husband needs a hair cut. She has cut his hair before and he seems comfortable with her ability.

What motivates the main character?
She doesn’t like his long hair and insists it’s causing him to sweat.

What conflicts occur First he doesn’t think he needs one. There is a difference in opinion and they have a discussion about it.
In the process her ability is in question. The result is a disappearance of an important piece.
When the inquisitive cat become involved it’s a disaster.

My over all thoughts
I liked the story. The fact the husband is totally unaware is too much of a stretch for me. I liked the way the story unfolds and it flows smoothly to the end




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Seasons  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello cheryl losch I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.




what was the goal if the main character?
The different seasons met to discuss their different times to cover the world.
You point out the obvious and it was easy to understand their particular expertise


What motivates the main character?
Each season voices their desire for more time. What I didn't get was a different voice or character development for each character.

What conflicts occur
YOu have lots of conflicts that occur in each season. Then Mother Nature shows up and voices her opinion and leaves. She seems all knowing.

My over all thoughts
I didn't get where the COMEDY came in. I missed what was funny about their decisions or conflicts. While I enjoyed the story I didn't smile or laugh.



Submitted for *GOOD DEEDS GET CASH*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello {user: } I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.



what was the goal if the main character?
We see two bumbling thieves trying to steal valuables from a mansion. You do a good job with setting up the goal. WE don't have any trouble figuring out what is probably going to happen.


What motivates the main character?
You also give a great job of telling the reader what Mort wants to do once he gets the money for what he steals. You give the reader a sense that this guy is basically a good hearted guy, but he doesn't have much morality.

What conflicts occur
YOu give one conflict after the other. You do a good job describing the conflicts so they are easy to follow.

My over all thoughts
While I liked the story, I thought the genre was wrong. It was more in the horror, scary, paranormal genre than COMEDY. I didn't get it as funny. I really liked what happened in the respect they got what they deserved.


My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Mastiff I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.



what was the goal if the main character?
SimpMost kids at some point or other make money at working at a burger joint. Its the goal to not just make money but learn to work as a team and the process of how business runs. I don't think this guy got the point.

What motivates the main character?
Although he was older he hadn't learned anything in the process. I don't think he came to the job with the right attitude and I'm sure whomever hired him wished he/she hadn't.

What conflicts occur
The MC had a bad attitude but his supervisor was an idiot of far worse attitude. The man had an ego problem that it seemed this employee or any employee could dent. While I understand the conflict, the resulting action went too far.

My over all thoughts
I thought this story was well written. It had a beginning, middle and end. There was a form of justice in the main character's eyes, but to me it wasn't comedy. It was more in the drama genre. I don't think ruining everyone's night and shutting down the joint is comedy.


My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!

6
6
Review of Dingbat!  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Lovina I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.



what was the goal if the main character?
Izzy wants to make a potion. She had a recipe, and she goes around town collecting the bizarre ingredients.

What motivates the main character?
I kept reading to find the reason why she was doing this. There was a lack of motivation for her to make the potion and her expectations for the result.

What conflicts occur
I loved her list of ingredients and her collection process. I did give a smile at what she chose and how she both obtained them and moved them to her home.

My over all thoughts
I liked the story. It would be more for the October dark and scary genre. It did cause me to smile. I have to pick up after my dog. I don't know what I'd think if someone followed me and Ariel rushing to pick up her poo before I could. That was funny.


My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!

7
7
for entry "CHAPTER 28
In affiliation with Group ~ Reviewing with River  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is one of your best chapters. Surprising there isn't much you need to change if you don't want to. You have great dialogue. You have some action. Not much setting in the part where he talks to the General. Here you could use a bit more of them moving in the room or eating or sitting or something that allows the reader to SEE the characters not just hear their voices.
What you want when you read is a total experience. You don't have to go overboard like The Bronte's sisters, but add a bit more than just dialogue.
I can't think of anything more to add. It gave great information that I suspected and and I have a greater respect for his father.
Keep on writing.

If you can hold of on the requests during November I'd appreciate it. I writing a novel for the Nanowrimo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
for entry "CHAPTER 27
In affiliation with Group ~ Reviewing with River  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
You have improved. This chapter is the best you've written. It had emotion, it has setting and you bring the reader into the story. You've come a long way since this began. I'm impressed.

I only have one suggestion. In the part where they enter the room the characters begin to interact. I don't know who these characters are. It's been a long time since they were introduced. I suggest you insert a paragraph or two from Jake's POV.
Jake stepped into the room, a quick scan showed (put in the number, 3?) a pire and two wolves. (describe them) He recognised Derek, How long since he saw the young pup? He knew the others, Randall and Accalia. (who are these characters and what is their relation to Jake and his father? Don't tell us, show in dialogue) i.e. Randall steps forward and points to Jake, "You bring this 'pire into our camp. What do you want? I'm in charge here."
The General gives him a brief nod, only acknowledging his existence not his self professed title. "I come to bury my son."

Who is Accadia? His wife? say so. Randall reproves Accadia for her response and with a jerk of is head indicating she leave there is a brief resistance, but she bows to his will and leaves the tent.
The rest follow.
then describe the funeral. This gives the reader an insight to the culture and their beliefs. Do they believe in a hereafter? do they acknowledge there is a God? this is where you can bring out their commonality or their differences. Let's say there is a difference.
Randall performed his ritual and his followers chanted. they circled the coffin, each placing a tribute in the coffin. When they were finished, Randall motioned them to step back and nodded to the General.
The General stepped forward and Jake next to him. He raised his hands to the sky and began a prayer for the dead. It was long and melodic. Clouds formed and swirled. they parted and rays of sunlight shone through onto the coffin. When the prayer ended, The General removed his own tribute and placed it on the chest of the departed. Jake too placed his tribute next to his father's and saluted the dead.
When the two stepped back Randall motioned for the lid to be replaced and it was lowered into the grave. A song started from somewhere. So familiar all knew the words and melody. The General took up the tune and Jake harmonized along with the others. The sound wove it's way into the heart and minds of those present and when the last notes faded. Randall stepped forward. "We have food prepared. Come and eat. You are welcome to share. No harm will come to either of you."
They accepted.
The next section you are back to your old ways. No real description or setting or emotion. Re read the first and see how lacking the the last two parts are. They need more development.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, Maryann I was drawn to your story because the title and brief description.


Overall Impression

I love a good fairy tale and story. I went through your port and found a story not a poem.

Setting:

This is a fairy tale set in a fairy tale land. This mythical land is in the heart of every reader and varies as to the age of the reader. By leaving the setting without detail the reader makes up their own land. The clues after the first few paragraphs lead the reader to realize the time is in the present not in a mythical time in a long ago era.

Plot:

Jealousy is the the heart of the story. We see the green monster is alive and well in the stepmother's heart. Bad deeds do not overcome the pure of heart.
We see the evil stepmother's ill will against her stepdaughter grows until the poor girl becomes a victim.
You have set the story in the present using ingenious products to emulate the items used in the original story. I had to smile. I immediately thought of the poor grandma yelling GOOGOO at the item hoping for an answer.
The climax and end were cleverly written and came to a satisfying conclusion.



Suggestions:
I have only one suggestion and that is to take a few moments and add more to this story. I know it was written for the GoT this is such a great story, I would love to see it expanded with more up to date details that parallel the original.


In conclusion:

I loved the story! It unfolded and held my interest. It's one I'd read to a grandchild if I had one, just to see if they recognize it.


A super power image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of Chapter 1  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, laurafu In response to your review request.


Overall Impression

I realize this is a painful real story. It's close to your heart. You are feeling the emotion of the visit. This story is going to be a catharsis as you write it. What you have written here are a jumble of thoughts, impressions and experiences. As an outside reader, I'm not getting the feeling of what is going on and what you really want to say. I think you're holding back.


Setting:

In the beginning You spend a lot of words describing the setting with no emotional connection given. Your purpose for writing this is to share what happened all those years and its effect on your life. I didn't get this from the long laundry list of detail. This section might server better interspersed with the story.


Plot:

You told in the blurb that this was about PTSD and its effect on you. This didn't come through at the beginning. You always need to state the goal of the story up front. Introduce yourself and tell why you are writing this.
What is the goal of the main character? You
I don't even know your name. SO I'm going to call you Donna

My name is Donna. It's not my real name as I will be talking about real people both alive and dead. I don't want a law suit so all the names of people will be changed.

I was abused as a child. I wasn't alone, I have siblings that went through this period. They have their own story, this is mine. It's going to be in detail so if you're a bit squeamish, I'm sorry. What I experienced should not have happened to anyone. If there is someone who suspects abuse. Don't hesitate to say something. I know it isn't always acted on, but don't ignore it.


Characters:

Here is where you introduce the characters in your story. It might start like this.
My story starts in (say the city and state) along Richbarn Road. It was a double wide trailer my grandmother had towed to her property so her daughter would be near her. (give me some idea of what this woman was like and how you felt about her) I wish I could say she was a lovely cookie baking woman, but that would be a lie. I learned abuse is passed from generation to generation. (You don't have to say much but give the reader a sense of foreshadowing)
There were four children and my mother occupying that house of horror.
(List the birth order and ages of the children, were any born while in the house or did you all move there with the trailer?) This gives a sense of the family dynamic.

Where there others that lived there? What was your mother like?
My mother was once a beautiful girl. She, was abused by(?) men she met? We don't know who our father was or where he (they) went. They were never a part of our lives. She would bathe and dress nice then head into town leaving us to care for ourselves. All in one room, with the door locked. That door had been cut in half like you see in a daycare. They are called dutch doors. We couldn't get out. We would play or fall asleep in that room. What ever food she had lying around was thrown at us. Left over pizza, condiments, and such. For the longest time Morton salt containers triggered (what? tell us), Brown sugar sickened me. (why? tells us) pickle pissed me off and Mountain Dew enraged me. (WHY WHY? what were these items in themselves innocent, the cause of such reactions.)I'll go into more detail when I tell you about our lives.
This is foreshadowing so the reader has all those questions but you are promising to tell details. They will keep turning the page until you do. If it gets too far and you don't fulfill that promise they will shut the book and toss it.

Suggestions:

My suggestion like the things I said above is to put in less detailed setting and more step up in the first chapter. You are an adult. Start with your overall purpose for writing this.
What you wrote isn't bad, it's just in the wrong place. It needs to be in maybe chapter 2 or so.
Chapter 1 is the introduction of the character, the goal and the setting.

I'm Donna, I'm (age) This is the story of my life.
I lived in (city, state, road) I have (#) of siblings, I'm the (state your birth order) While we all experienced the same thing, I don't speak for my siblings. They are free to tell their story.

Why are you writing this? What do you hope will happen when others read it?
This is a story of how I was abused from childhood, how it has been a part of my life and how I realized there needed to be a change, to break the cycle. Somethings will never go away, but learning to deal with it and confront the past helps when you move on.

The second half of this piece is a personal experience and I got no emotion from it. I got you telling me about the rooms but there is more going on and you didn't give it to the reader. It's too clinical. When you write this it should be put later in the story.

I'm going to paraphrase a portion and show you what I mean.
The trailer looked more rundown. When I lived here the paint was weathered, now it looked bleached. It almost shimmered. The way waves shimmer off asphalt in the summer heat. I blinked. It was gone, but the rundown trailer still stood there, mocking me. My mind slowly pulled the heavy curtain I'd painstakingly built away and I absorbed the picture and all that happened here.
My chest hurt and I realized my hand clutched the front of my shirt. The folds so tight in my fist I wondered if I'd ever be able to wash and iron them out. They were like the etched memories I was about to to revisit. My feet didn't move. They weren't listening to the order to take the steps to the porch.

(What is Vagus? I didn't get it. I looked it up and there was something about pictures and a nerve in the brain. This isn't a common word so you should either leave it out or explain the reference.)
My feet finally moved up the decking to the door. I shuddered and felt the inner shaking begin. Maybe I should leave. I shouldn't have come, this is far more painful than I thought. I turned away but determination to face that fear overcame the need to run and I put my hand on the door knob. Opening the door felt like the demon behind it waited to consume me.

Do you see how the emotion of the moment drags the reader along with you? They are feeling what you are feeling. You want that dread and fear you felt to be conveyed to the reader.


In conclusion:

I hope this helps you as you move forward. Look at what you've written after this and see if you can restart it and move things around to give the reader a more personal view of what you are SHOWING them, not telling them


A super power image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
for entry "CHAPTER 26
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
DMT - PASSED I'm going to do a line edit at first to show you what you're missing. You know I've read your chapters and I think you need a bit more story telling in this one.

The basic plot is moving along and you have a good handle of where you are going. You need to look at each chapter as if you are looking at a movie. Do the words on the paper translate to the picture the viewer is watching. Think about this as a script the actor is reading so he know what to do and how to act.


Jake sky-blue eyes with thick eyelashes fluttered as he opened them andwoke feeling the presence of another person in the room. He didn't move as he processed where he was. The memory of the night before, of Callore and falling asleep flooded his conscientiousness. He was in his bed. Moving his fingers he felt the fur covering him. Lifting his eyelid he could see someone sitting next to him and turned his head to the left. He spotted the general by his bedside. He moved to sit up but pain shot through his body and it took effort to push his body to a sitting position sat up, and groaned. "What time is it?" He asked the older man.

The general frowned and licked his moist thick lips. "It's time to leave, but I don't think you should come." He wrinkled his thin eyebrows and Jake saw circles around his heavy-lidded moss-green eyes. His usual hairy deep-brown skin seemed lighter there. It didn't take a doctor to see the General wasn't feeling all that well either. Around the edges of his mouth the skin seemed whiter than the rest of his pale face.

Jake tried to swing his legs out of bed but it took gargantuan effort. and stood. He swayed a little and held onto the older werewolf's arm. "I'm coming. Where's my clothes?"

The general shook his head. "You're not strong enough. Look at you, you can't even stand!"

The young 'pire shook his head and staggered to the big oak chest at the foot of his bunk. He opened it and shuddered at the sight of Jason's Guns and Roses t-shirt. You had so much more to give, my friend. "I'll be fine. Just give me a short time to dress and eat. I-I will meet you by the divided river in an hour." He gave a confidant smile to his leader.

The general threw his hairy hands in the air and muttered under his breath, "I tried." Pointing his finger at the Jake he started to say something more but turned and stormed out of the hut.

Jake sagged on the chest and took deep breaths to overcome the nausea and light headedness. He pulled his t-shirt over his head . His arm felt wincing at the stiff arm that still hurt like hell. He sat on the bed and put his jeans on. He stood up, exited the tent and walked through the valley. Once dressed he exercised his body bit by bit until he felt confident enough to walk outside without falling over.

His tent sat at the outer edge of the encampment. He walked down the incline feeling the wind whistle over the stones in the ravine. The blades of grass on the riverbed swayed to and fro. A bear cub ventured out of a cave across the ravine to Jake's right. It stopped, nose in the air then turned to gaze at him. The cub's silhouette appeared on the limestone walls behind him around the valley. A roar came from the cave and the cub turned to scamper back to towards his mother and safety. Jake sneezed in the morning light. at the dust the youngster left in his wake.

He spotted the General and jogged a little to meet up to him "Ready to go, sir."

"I still think we should come with you," said a familiar voice came from behind him.


Do you see how adding these bits to the scene bring the reader into the story more? I suggest using how I used words to paint the scene re edit the rest of this section and send me the link.

You did a good job with this first edit. I think you can do better. Don't be too quick to move your characters on their way. Show Callore's concern and play that up. He needs to prove he can continue. The fact you have him upright and moving after being almost at death's door needs explaining to the reader. How is this possible? Are we still talking about Adrian's elixir? If so I'd have him realize that's what had cured him and that he has to make up a story to cover Adrian's part.
That being said, if he's cured, then he'd be getting out of bed without feeling weak. He might have a bit of a headache and be nauseated but food would take care of that. So you might move him to meet the General at the food tent. He grabs food he can carry. bread and meat and exits the tent. He meets the General and Callore gives him a raised eyebrow at his recovery but says nothing other than she wants to go too.
The General says no, looks Jake over and nods at the recovery and they leave.
Now are they taking anything with them? Do they have provisions in a pack? Does the General carry anything with him like a staff for walking or special armor or weapons? What is he wearing? A Beatles Vest and T-Shirt? Give us an idea because I was thinking fur and leather until you said Jake saw a Guns-n-Roses T-shirt. Did he put it on? What shirt did he choose to wear with his jeans? What boots did he put on? Hiking boots or running shoes?
Give the reader a sense of what the General and Jake look like as they leave. Don't just describe it. Show what they are doing as they do it. Jake stops to tie his laces and Callore bends to adjust his backpack. "How so you really feel?"
"Fine. I think Adrian needs to make up more elixir." Jake winks as he stands. He run in place then sets off at a jog to keep pace with the long strides of the General.

Do you see how this shows the reader more about what's going.

A super power image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Bubblegum Jones I was drawn to your story because the title and brief description.


Overall Impression

The story is fascinating. I love to read and watch paranormal events. I have my own ideas about what is happening. I'm not sure if my beliefs would or could change the outcome, but I wonder why they happen to some and not to others.
Your story, if written as a story would be quite interesting.

Setting:

I'm not sure if this location is in the Carolina's or more inland. You did a good job of setting up the background. The picture of the properties their location is well defined. It made it easier to follow the actions throughout the story.

Plot:

This story is fascinating. It was hard to follow at times due to the format and amount of backstory interspersed as you told it.
I loved reading it. I honestly think reworking it into a real story instead of you telling it would be a winner.

Characters:

Since this story is a non-fiction and you are personally involved it helps the reader to know more about you. I think I know your gender. Your characters in the story are real people who lived on the land in the past. Your telling of their relationship to the land, the house and now to the present owners makes this a tale worth repeating.

Suggestions:

I would like to rework this tale into a proper story. One that has your personal thoughts mixed in only as a character. One that tells the backstory then leads into what your daughter is experiencing today. It would make a sellable piece. I'd love to help you rewrite it.

In conclusion:

I found this story interesting. I'm a bit distanced from it as I don't believe ghosts are spirits of dead people. That's for another time. However the fact that it's happening cannot be discounted. I do believe the story to be a true account.

A super power image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear Bubblegum Jones

*Quill* What I liked about the story:
This was a set of three short stories based on two characters, Little Henry and Stinky. I thought the stories had moments of cuteness. There were one liners that made me smile and some that made me wince. (In a good way) They are well thought out stories.


*Quill* What is the goal of the main Character?
In each of the stories, Henry has a problem and Stinky seems to be the wiser of the two helps him solve or at least understand his thought process


*Quill* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal?
Little Henry works at a Widget factory. His escapades and processes confound and amuse his co-worker(s) I'm not sure that's his intent but it is the writer's.


*Quill* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?
The stories are full of conflict. Some self-imposed and others are at his expense. The writer uses this format to give the readers a glimpse into the dry humor we all enjoy reading or hearing.
There were moments I could almost intone the story to tell it aloud.


*Quill* Resolution:
There isn't any. This is an on going piece to delight the reader. I'm sure this isn't the intent, but I could see this printed in a booklet form and sold to restaurants and put in my bathroom.


*Quill* Do the characters develop in this story?
We see a lot of Little Henry develop in his comments and thought processes. Poor Stinky is relegated to the straight man role. You need both to have relatable characters. They have developed even though we can't see them. They are just names that speak. Talking heads.



*Quill* What do I think needs work:
There are only a couple of things I think you might address. One is format. I had a hard time tracking the dialogue when it's run all in one paragraph.
Each person gets their own line when they speak. This makes following the story easier. I had to back track a few times to keep track of who said what.
The other thing is developing Little Henry and Stinky. You may have described them in the first or second book, but since these are stand alone stories, you should include more of their looks. You did a great job describing Little Henry with his long, dyed hair. This could extend to Stinky so we get a good picture in our mind of these two and their world.



My PDG Skeeter Sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
for entry "CHAPTER 25
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear DMT - PASSED

*Quill* What I liked about the story:
This gives the reader a little more insight to Adrian and the two main characters. It adds a rise of action toward the ending. There is foreshadowing of things to come.


*Quill* What is the goal of the main Character?
They discuss the up and coming trip


*Quill* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal?
There is a death in the family and they discuss the trip through enemy territory.


*Quill* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?
You told the reader about the death and the consequences of that. It needs to have more of a rise to the climax of this chapter so the reader will want to know the outcome in the next chapter.



*Quill* What do I think needs work:
Callore stood up and put the bottle into her pocket. "He was going to die anyway. At least this way, he has a chance." Do you want this to sound harsh and uncaring? Her reaction when Jake talks makes this comment seem out of character.
Jake twitched. He jumped around in the bed, sat up and fell backwards. His head hit the pillow and his tongue popped out and flopped to one side of his face. This picture made me laugh. I'm sorry. Maybe you should adjust it to something like: Jake's body twitched, then began to convulse. His back arched with only his head and buttocks touching the bed. Callore ran to him wringing her hands, "What have I done?" Tears ran down her cheeks.
Adrian pressed his body back to the bed and felt his damp forehead. "Wait. He's not in a fever."
They watched as Jake's body calmed and the violent jerking stopped. They both took a deep breath and let it out, then Callore laid on top of him and hugged him.
Jake's eyes fluttered a few times then opened. He blinked hard and looked around the room.
"What happened?" He tried to move but Callore held him. "I can't move! Am I paralyzed?" His voice rose in fear.
Adrian press his hand on Jake's shoulder. "Get off him Callore' Jake you're not paralyzed. How do you feel? Do you have any pain? How's your stomach? Okay, let me help you sit up."
Jake looks at Callore' now scrubbing the tears from her face. "Why are you crying?"
I think this was a funny section. Was it meant to be funny or serious? It is nice to make the first part serious and intense as they think they may have killed him. Draw this part out longer with worry. Adrian and Callore can talk back and forth. Adrian accuses her of killing Jake. She is feeling bad, but believed that the potion Adrian made would work. (Show she believes in him) Then when it looks like all is lost when Jake has convulsions. He wakes up and you can add a bit of his levity here to calm the reader and bring the intensity down a bit.

Jake laughed and untangled himself. "Don't, we have company."
Adrian bowed. "I will inform the general of your recovery." He turned as the general and Eva entered the facility.

This needs more. Why did Adrian bow to Jake when he said we have company/ Did Jake see them approaching? fine. say so.
Why did Adrian respond so formally? He didn't see the General, he is friends with Jake and Callore. This action seems out of place without a reason for it. Adrian seems to jump from friend (casual) to Formal. I know there is a time and place for each action, but a reason for it is needed.
General's reaction. He can be surprised, but needs to say. "How is this true? Was I lied to? I was told the boy was at death's door. I expected him to be flat on his back and some medicine man bleeding him dry with leeches. (my thoughts) I arrive and find instead of calling the priest, I should tell the cook to bring out the best dinner." He needs to sound incredulous, confused, and happy all at the same time.
Every other chapter it seems tit for tat. You kill one of mine, I kill one of yours and so on. This isn't a rise of action leading to a climax of action at the end. You might want to rethink this and taper it to the next chapter. They might discuss what happened. Jake gives the General the news and describes the action and what lead to him being sick. When the General asks about how he came to be alive. They all rush in with a story. All are different and the General holds up his hand. "Maybe it's better I don't know the truth." He raises his eyebrow. He knows they are lying but the outcome is what he accepts so he's not going to question how.

"He wants to show the werewolf chief(give him a name) that 'pires and all those associated with them are the cause of this war. If he can get the werewolves on his side, his army will grow and we won't stand a chance of winning this war, "Adrian piped up.
How does Adrian know this and how would he have the "guts" to speak up. He might have spoke out loud his thoughts then both Jake and the General look at him and he becomes afraid he's overstepped and will be killed for it. They both wave his fear aside and ask him to repeat what he said. He does.
"Why do you think that?" The general leans forward in interest, resting his arm on his knee.
Adrian hesitates then say something like he wants power and land. If he can get the Were's and the 'pires to kill each other, his army will be the stronger one."
The general gives a snort. "He dreams about it but it will never happen. " (We'd say In your dreams!)
Why is The General's father (the Chief) giving them safe passage? What is in it for him? Does he want Ella dead to? Why? Explain this to Jake (and the reader)

Maybe Jake tells the General to be careful it could be an ambush. The Chief may have made a deal with other side? The General doesn't believe it.

"Adrian, how did I recover so quickly?"tag this.
As Adrian moves toward the tent flap Jake's brown furrows. "Adrian, how did I recover so quickly? I remember being in a daze. I was sick and then the the soldiers carried me here. I don't remember much and I felt too sick to even call for help."
Adrian, gave a weak smile. "I'm not sure, Sir. Maybe a little bit of magic?" He shrugged and stepped out into the cool night air.




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15
15
for entry "CHAPTER 24
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Dear DMT - PASSED

*Quill* What I liked about the story:
It looks like you added more to the last part than the first. At least in the character's movements. It still could use a bit more setting to enhance the scene. This chapter held my interest to the end. I wanted to know if Adrian could/would help Jake. I liked you brought in back story without telling the reader the whole thing. I want to know more about Adrian. This is a good thing.


*Quill* What is the goal of the main Character?
Callore saves Jake's life then moves him closer to the border where she meets up with Adrian. You advance the story by promising the reader there is more to come, just stick with me.


*Quill* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal?
I'm still missing a reference to the main goal. I don't remember why these two are on this journey. Here would be a good time for Adrian to ask to remind Callore what the end of the big picture is supposed to be and what's at stake. If I've forgotten and so does the reader, why will they turn the page? If they stop what have you left them with that will cause them to pick it up?


*Quill* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?
This was good. You told Callore about the situation with a person being killed. I don't know this person. It was too far back in the story. You need to remind the reader who he is and his relationship or importance to the General. He was his grandson, but was he a favorite? Some one he was training for a position of importance? Family dying is a tragic loss, but what does it have to do with the person in this scene? He was going to leave tomorrow and hunt Ella down before going to the funeral, but now..." Adrian shrugged, "who knows." What does this mean? Now who knows? what changed? He isn't going to hunt Ella for killing Filtiam? Why? you left the reader in the air.


*Quill* Resolution:
You ended the scene well.


*Quill* Do the characters develop in this story?
NO, but you introduce Adrian and give us more information about him.



*Quill* What do I think needs work:
Callore didn't stop until she spotted the mountains and the border of the safe lands. She placed Jake on the floor What floor did she place him? Where are they at? Are they on a mountain, a valley, near a stream? and called the general. She pictured him in her mind and heard his voice.Please tell the reader what is happening around your characters!! SETTING!
You have one line about the 'pires who put their arms around Jake' shoulder and sprint away. Hold on here. My picture of this is two big guys, grab Jake and sprint off dragging his body behind them. Is that what you want your reader to think? Your characters don't care about Jake?

Callore watched Adrian bend over the younger man listening to his heart and for a moment she thought he was going to bite him, but Adrian touched this tongue to Jake's skin. "You did a good job getting rid of the silver. None of it made it to his skin." Callore took a deep breath and let it go. "Is he going to be all right?" She wrung her hands.
Adrian went to her and patted her hands then gave them a squeeze. "he'll be fine. A few tweeks and he'll be up and fighting in no time." Adrian turned to the 'pires and nodded.
The two burly men wrapped their arms around Jake lifting him on to one of the men's backs. the other wrapped a cloth around the two. When they were sure he was secure, they took off in a sprint toward the camp.
Do you see how this might enhance the readers experience of what was going on? They are there in the moment, feeling what all were feeling. You can add setting to it, what did the area look like? Maybe Adrian searched for a leaf or plant and rubbed it between his palms letting the aroma calm Callore down before he worked on Jake. You fill in what you want to happen, just use what's around them.

Please keep this all in mind. Everything I mention is the same thing with all your chapters. Before sending the next chapter, print this review and the last one out and edit the next chapter you want reviewed. Have you done everything I might ask?
*Box* Does the reader get lost with the lack of setting details?
*Box* Is there enough emotion and action between the characters?
*Box* Do you move the characters toward or away from a place or item within the scene?
Make sure the boxes are checked.



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16
16
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Xarthin

*Quill* What I liked about the story:
The concept and execution resounded and I all but did a fist pump at the end. The story is timely with a definite nod to what real life is about. Having the unfortunate duty of trying to teach that concept to someone on the spectrum cusp I understand the frustration completely. NOTE: You'll have no trouble submitting to the SHOW NOT TELL contest


*Quill* What is the goal of the main Character?
A teacher of old school ethics is forced to teach his students according to a new directive. He sees the need to impose the lesson in a way that will not only teach his students about life, but cause a conflict with administration.


*Quill* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal?
Mr. Pinkerton loves to teach. He understands his students. He motivates them using psychology rather than lectures and rules. He knows those lessons will stay with his students over memorized rules. You show this in the way he maneuvers Miss Steiner to use her abilities as a leader in his class.


*Quill* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?
None until the end. the motivation of this story is subtle. It isn't about conflicts in the classroom, it's about the result of his lesson that will cause the conflict to occur. It's what makes this story so interesting. To me it's an example well defined. Kudos


*Quill* Resolution:
Result accomplished. Prof. Pinkerton relaxes with the confidence he has achieved his goal, a minor resistance brought on to confront the administrator.


*Quill* Do the characters develop in this story?
I feel they do. Professor P's character is well defined by his actions and words. There is no doubt he's educated. Far more than this poor public school flunky. I know no Latin except what I heard in Dead Poets Society. *Bigsmile*
Stuk and the Miss Steiner both grow as supporting characters in this story. I would have liked a bit more conversation with him and the Prof at the end. Just my thought,



*Quill* What do I think needs work:
Nothing literary. a few minor edits if you read it again you'll see them. Nothing I'd worry about unless you want to publish it, or submit it for a contest.



My PDG Skeeter Sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
for entry "CHAPTER 23
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear DMT - PASSED

*Quill* What I liked about the story:

The chapter is moving along at a fast pace, yet you are keeping the promise of something in the future for the reader to keep turning the page.


*Quill* What do I think needs work:


She skipped out of the door and slammed it after her before he could think of a retort.
Read this. It looks like she left and he immediately follows. Not so, because her next line teases him about taking his time. insert here: as he gets showered and changed what he feels. As a woman he is more about his feelings. Worry about her reaction to his lack of experience vs her expertise. While he's thinking his body will react as a male and he has to wait a bit before joining her
He sighed and followed her. He spotted her by the flower pots in the communal garden "Excuse me, miss. Could you tell me where I might find a cheeky little 'pire who needs to be taught some manners?" This confused me at first. I had to read it a couple of times as I thought he didn't see her then he talks to her. You have to move him from where he spots her to her side or the reader will be as confused as I was. Show the reader how your characters move about in their scene. The reader can't read your mind, it has to be on the paper. Add a bit of interest as he adjusts his backpack or whatever you have them carrying their stuff in. Maybe he offers to carry hers too. She rebuffs him with a superior tone that she came move faster than he can and maybe she should carry his so he can keep up. Just a suggestion.


Callore rolled her eyes. "I can't think of everything, Jake."

Before Jake could answer, the patrol came into view.

Callore turned. "Hey, were you born ugly, or did your mother have an ugly coupon?"
Why was there no discussion about this. Here is a missed opportunity to add conflict and character to this story. She puts her idea out and he argues it's not a good idea, she asks if he has a better one, He wants to think about it and survey the area to see if they can get in and out without being seen. While they are having this "discussion" they look up to see the guards staring down at them. The choice is taken away, now he has to deal with the situation and she smirks at him having got her way in the end. Do you see how adding a bit more conflict ends up the same but the reader is taken on a journey with the characters, not just marched from one scene to another.They have to give a show of fighting, They have to make it look like they don't want to go so the guards aren't suspicious.

They marched through the compound and didn't stop until they'd reached a wooden building with dense tree walls on either side and a big wooden door with a cast iron ring door handle.
Here again you can add to this scene. Look around. It's night. MARCHING makes noise. The men would want to keep this to themselves. You might want to have the men question them and try to figure who they are. Maybe the Captain would want to know about them or are they just scavengers trying to steal food. Do you see what I'm talking about? Once the guards decide they are "scavengers" Callore perpetrates their idea, they don't want to arouse any interference so they move around the back side of the camp and wince as the iron lock squeals when they unlock it. The order the two to be quiet. "Why? what if we make noise? What's the worse that could happen? We're already in lock up? The two men look at each other wondering if they should have left the scavengers alone. "We'll bring you food if you are quiet. Jake starts to refuse, but Callore smiles sweetly and says "you're too kind." Rattled by her switched attitude from obstinate to sweet, they move away after securing the door.

Look through the rest of this piece and see where you can add more like the above to the piece


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18
18
for entry "CHAPTER 21
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Dear DMT - PASSED

*Quill* What I liked about the story:
It's a continuation from the previous chapter and moves the characters toward their goal
I loved this paragraph! Well we are in a part of the forest humans can't see. Why do you think humans think we are myths and legends? We travel around, but we have our own land. These towns are our borderline into werewolf territory." She put her bag on the floor and rummaged through it. She pulled out a jacket and a cap. "Here. Put this on. I haven't got time to teach you the blend in method."

I also liked that they had great dialogue and interacted with each other in a way that was easy and believable.

*Quill* What is the goal of the main Character?
This section seems to move Jake and Callore toward each other emotionally and sexually.

*Quill* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?

There isn't much conflict here. No really problems for them to solve. It's about two people talking and exploring each other. Every chapter needs some kind of conflict. A disagreement that has to be overcome, a situation they weren't anticipating.
My suggestion is when they get into the town they might be confronted by someone. ANYONE a drunk that tries to pick a fight and uses some kind of magic. Jake wants to give him the death wish he seems to be asking for but Callore has to remind them of blending. Not drawing attention. His hat comes off and the drunk realizes what he is. Callore gives the guy a blow that puts him out. They get away and find the hotel.
This is just a suggestion. Put some kind of conflict that shows more of their character and skill.

*Quill* Resolution: It's assumed they have sex

*Quill* Do the characters develop in this story?
Not really. We know who they are and what to expect. There isn't any further developing that we didn't know already.


*Quill* What do I think needs work:
You are back to talking heads. While they talk and touch each other there isn't a sense of setting, taste, smell or sight. Well, very little. Callore stopped and Jake skidded to a stop beside her. She pointed down and Jake saw a town in the valley. He gasped at the view. "I didn't know we were so high up." That doesn't say much. When you read a book, there needs to be equal part of dialogue to setting and using the senses. There will be times when there might be a lot of dialogue. When it becomes so overwhelming full of dialogue, you lose your reader. They no longer are interested and start skipping to another section. The same thing happens when there are paragraphs of setting descriptions.






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19
19
for entry "CHAPTER 19
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello DMT - PASSED My name is Write 2 Publish 2020 and I'm responding to your request for a review of "DIFFERENCES PART 1


*Dropr* Beginning This started with a fight. I think a good idea to show he is serious about training. But not good at it.

*Dropr* SettingYou need to add a lot more of this into your story as you write it. Keep the reader engaged. YOU know what the setting is. All they see are figures on a white page or flat background. What is the setting where the fight is? Is there grass? dirt, what does he smell? What does he hear? You need more of it.

*Dropr* CharactersWe do see Jake, I've forgotten what he looks like. I'd love to see more him. Describe him as he fights. Is he in human form or wolf or both? Use that to help him move.

*Dropr* Goal We know that he is training but for what? to catch up to be equal to the other warriors in his father's army? If he isn't that good, why is his father sending him out to capture Hassarov? Is he ready for this? You might have the General tell Jake he spoke with the Goat who says you need more training but you're good enough to go on this mission, (pause) with Callore. Jake can be offended at first like the General thinks he needs a baby sitter. When he tells Jake the mission he realizes he will need her expertise.

*Dropr* Motivation This is something you don't show. What motivates Jake? What does he want? His thoughts and actions need to move him. In Wiz of Oz we always know Dorothy wants to go home. It motivates everything she does. Remind the reader in each chapter of what he wants. There has to be a reason he's going to do what the General asks him to do. If its just a mission then it's not enough. I want to know why he's in the story? What does he want?

*Dropr* ConflictOther than the beginning and the little tiff with Callore at the mess tent there isn't much conflict. There might be more added as he and the General talk. This is where you can show what motivates him, what he fears, he has to have a fear of this mission. What if he fails? What if he isn't good enough to capture his cousin.? Its too easy. The General says go and stop your cousin from taking the information to the enemy. Now he tells Jake the elixir worked and his cousin is proof. Does his cousin have a sample of what ever it is and then it can be replicated? What does his cousin have against their kind? This can be discussed also.


*Dropr* What I liked I like you story. I think it has real promise.

*Dropr* My Suggestions

A sweat bead ran down Jake's face as he saw a shadow sneak past him. He crouched, ready to spring. Something jumped on his back. This isn't clear. It might read. Sweat ran down Jake's face and into his eyes. He didn't dare move to wipe his face. A shadow block the sun's rays and before he could react something leaped on to his back. He threw the wolf away from him as he sensed another being move to attack, but he felt a fist drive into his stomach and he lost his balance falling. At the same time he drew his sword for protection. Thrusting it at the new threat his sword hit the blade of another swords. Using his hand he sprang to his feet to ward off another blow. He fought for his life, deflecting the onslaught from the other pire. Just as he had gained advantage of his foe, he felt the prick of a pointed object at his throat. "Yield!" Do you see how the fight is played out with more detail? I had trouble keeping track of what was going on. It was over too fast.

I have a problem with you using 'pires the way you do. If you use this as a distinction then spell it out. vampires. If people are talking they can use a nick name like 'pires. But when not speaking, you should use the full terminology or give them a name like PIRES, not 'pires. What (') is saying is someone is dropping a sound. like dunkin'/dunking or 'art (Heart) These are usually dialect references.

What does this mean? Why did the general want to see me so urgently? *********************************************************************** The asterisks make no sense. Also, why does the reader need to know what they think?
It doesn't move the story, give information or pose a question that's important. If you take it out will something be lost? Ask yourself that question.
What if you were to write:
Jake glanced at Callore, clicked his heels together in a comic fashion and followed Adrian as the manservant marched across the field.
"Adrian, What's the big rush? Are we under attack?"
Adrian didn't answer. Jake took a quick look at the young mans profile. He was hiding something. He could tell by the set of his jaw and the furrow of his brow. "Come on, can't you give me a clue so I'm prepared?"
Andrian said nothing. When they reached his father's tent, Andrian motioned for the guard to let them pass.
this is how to set emotion into the scene.
The same for the meeting with his mother. Her reaction is as if they were just meeting for the first time. Is it? If not then she wouldn't need to replay something they already discussed. If she is, he can go to her and remind her he'd forgiven her and they don't need to bring it up again.
If not, and this is the first time he's seeing her you need to rework this meeting. It lacks the emotion of a first meeting.

As Jake exited the general's hut, a man in uniform with a brown wolf on their sleeve walked by. "Do you know where I can find Number Two, Callore?"
You have a lot of dialogue. It's too much, This reads a bit like a screen play. All words and nothing much else. What can you do to engage your reader so it's not so sterile?
Jake exited the tent and stopped. He scanned the grounds in front of him for a sign of Callore. His father's warriors seemed too relaxed. Some played games of chance using sticks or stones. Others conversed as they oiled and sharpened their weapons. Laundry hung from tent ropes, dancing ever so slightly in the breeze.
A warrior in a brown uniform with a wolf patch embroidered on his arm turned the corner almost bumping Jake.
"Sorry Sir." The man swerved at the last minute to avoid him.
Jake stopped him with his arm, "Have you seen Number Two?"
The man looked over his shoulder and jerked his head back toward where he'd come. "The Mess tent."
"Thank you." Jake moved away and crossed the yard avoiding dogs who'd entered the camp for food. Jake almost grinned, They'd better watch out they might be food for someone, if they're hungry enough. The Mess Tent sat just to the center of the compound. It emanated smells of food enticing those to come when the shield outside the main door was hit indicating food was ready.
As he neared the open tent flaps he heard raised voices."

Do you see that adding setting, the sense of smell and possible taste, can add to the reader's experience of camp life?
Callore clenched her fist and pulled it back. She punched Boaz in his stomach. The half man doubled over and fell to the floor. The other soldiers roared with laughter. POV This is Jake's story, He can observe this. You shouldn't be in Callore's head thinking, talking or acting.

Again: Jake tells Callore only part of the story. As I recall the General didn't say, keep this part to yourself. He might say to Callore "Come with me, I have to tell you something and I don't trust anyone else to hear." She nods and follows him to his tent and stops before he can go inside.
"We need to talk here. It's in the open and no one will hear us."
Jake agrees, but lower's his voice standing close to her. "The General has ordered me to hunt Hassorev." Before he can continue, Callore grabs his arm.
"What? Did you tell him no?"
Jake pulled her fingers off his bicep."Ouch, you have a death grip. I told him yes, and he told me to take you with me."
"You'd better tell me why we're on a murder mission."
"Did I say anything about killing? There is something I need to tell you about Hassorev. He's got information that could be used against us. I'll tell you more when we're on the road."
(Insert the rest of your conversation)
"Are you sure?" She raised her eyebrow at him.
"Why?"
"You're not just saying this to get out of training?"
"NO! Now get ready to leave." He shook his head at her, his hair flying around his head. "Women." he muttered as he entered the tent.
Are you getting the picture here about how to give information and add emotion? I hope this helps.



My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!


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20
20
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear bkies

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: This article is written about a time and people I'm familiar with. I was a teen when Neil walked on the moon. The aspects of the article point to a time when the words of someone respected counted for something. The call to arms or the call to support end with the same result, people step up to fill the gap.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? Neil Armstrong became a voice to rally the people to a cause. He spoke of what he'd experienced then segued into a cause. Maybe more of suggestion.
The beginning of the piece has nothing to do with the end. They feel like two separate pieces with different goals.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal?
The beginning is a layout of the events leading up to the walk on the moon. It shows leadership in action. That by believing in people can instill the desire to give more than 100%. The end may be the result of what Neil learned from Kranz, you can speak to the core of goodness in people and they will respond.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?
In the beginning piece technology hadn't caught up with the need. There were times when the answers hadn't been invented yet. I've watched Hidden Figures many times. It covers the same period of time. This was just becoming the age of computers.

*Pencil* Resolution: I'm not sure what you are trying to purport. It's an interesting piece of history, but I'm not sure a clear purpose came through. The last line didn't tie up and end. It didn't even connect to anything in the article. When was he tired? When did sleep evade him?

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story?
I'm not sure the point of this article. In saying that, I was interested in the bit about Kranz, Garman and others. They played a part, but for this article their story was informative but that's it.
You introduce Neil Armstrong and show his confidence and how he learned to use his power to sway people for good work/deeds.

*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
the section with the phrases seems out of place. Like you cut and pasted them there as an accident. There isn't a tie into them or a segue into the next section. If you take it out does it change anything in the article? If not take it out. If you want it there, give it a purpose. What is the significance for the reader to know these sayings?

Please read the following two words not as what you think is the intent but as it's meant. "SO WHAT?" Ask yourself this question after you read the first section. What did you tell the reader that informed them of something they didn't know already and for what purpose?
In the next section ask the same question. You told how Neil spoke and people acted. "So what?" My suggestion is to find a theme and tie the sections together. At the end tie them with the same thought. Maybe by reminding the reader how in the face of conflict, leadership is a gift and comes with responsibility. How Neil learned it from Gene and in turn saw how his words came with a responsibility to use them to incite people to a cause for good.

Just my suggestions.


from Hanna


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review of For a Cookie  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello J.L. O'Dell
I just finished reading your post.


Overall Review:
This began like a typical fairy tale. It read exactly like something in a book. I half expected the little man to have a unrealistic name.


What is the goal or purpose?
This little girl, like every other character in a fairy tale, wants something faster, better or more than what she's been given or had previously. This is the same premise that most books start out with. In a novel the premise may start with The MC has been fired from his job, or the spouse having an affair is found out or is dead.


Is there a motivation?
In this story the girl wants to take a short cut though the woods(although woods are not specified). We are immediately transported to Little Red Ridinghood, We can summarize this motivation to correspond to the goals listed above. Hire and hitman, or the man goes home and comes back to the office with a gun.


What are the conflicts?
In this story, the girl must give up her inventory to get what she wants. However the little man is smart and doesn't give all the information at once.
When writing a longer piece or a novel, It's best to piece out information to keep the reader engaged.


What I Liked: I liked the idea it triggered the above correlation to writing for me. I wasn't intrigued with the story and would have moved on to something else but I wanted to challenge myself to read and review something I didn't immediately connect with.

What Needs Work:
The fact it has no real ending. It's supposed she'll run out of cookies before she gets the guidance she needs, if she ever does. It leaves you thinking and forming your own opinion. Not bad, but since this was so simple I'd expected it to have some resolution.



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review of GRACE  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello J.L. O'Dell
I just finished reading your post.


Overall Review:
I loved this story. It held my interest to the end. I like to read stories where the Almighty has a sense of humor but also a learning curve. This one fit the bill.

What is the goal or purpose?
Poor David, a guardian angel, felt his charge had worn him out and make a quick trip to the Almighty requesting a transfer. This in itself seemed the last straw. We've all been there. Assigned a task we felt over our capabilities.

Is there a motivation?
Angels have no motivation. They don't have a choice. They are given an task and there is no reason to refuse it. However, David has become weary of guarding this klutz.

What are the conflicts?
David has an interminable task. Its seems his charge can trip over a dust bunny. He begins to list her failures as if God didn't already know them. They are very real and the reader can sympathize with the overworked angel.

What I Liked: I loved the flow of the story. The conversation between David and God seemed real. Even to the point where he swears and Jesus appears. I was a bit put off by it but the instant arrival of his name calling seemed appropriate.
I like the way God explained his job. Then explained the job of Mary's angel to Jesus.

What Needs Work:
I don't say this needs work, but if you were going to tweak this story I suggest you look at the moment he needs to return. I felt this was too convenient. He left her in bed and in a few short minutes by Heaven's standards, she awake and headed out on the street? This is too much of a stretch for me in this short of a piece. I could see him being told she woke to go the the bathroom and the dog is lying asleep near the door. IF he flew turbo speed, he could make it there to prevent the dog from being stepped on and her falling into the bathroom and hitting her head. David is aghast at the possibility of his charge being hurt, disappears in a flash and bang.
This is when God and Jesus talk. I have one last thought, What do you mean with your last sentence? I didn't understand the reference that he was to have a brother. He had a brother named John. God was just talking about Mary and the donkey, but David's charge lives in the 21st century. I became a bit confused here.

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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Ezekiel Stephens )
I just finished reading your post.


Overall Review: The premise of this peice is an amazing idea. I loved the subtle reference to the present mode of communication. The transitioning to what it could be and is. Instagram came to my mind.

What is the goal or purpose? I'm not sure this came through. It started as a story then morphed into a article on Audio-visual Comm.

Is there a motivation? The same applies to the goal. There wasn't a motivation established. If this were just an article based on the "What if AV-Com became? or "Look what AV-Comm is becoming." The goal would be to warn. The motivation would be to inform.

What are the conflicts? There aren't any. In a story, one needs all of the above to become an actual story.

What I Liked: I did the exact thing described and posted it as my profile on FaceBook. What I liked was the possible story behind the technical insert. My mind went to what the Main Character job might be. Why was he monitoring the feed? I thought about the TV series Person of Interest and this could be something along side that thought.


What Needs Work:
If this is a story the goal of the main character needs to be established and following that what is motivating him/plot to move toward the end of the story. What drives readers to continue are the conflicts you insert to derail the goal.
You can certainly add all that side note information on Audio-Visual Communication into the story as it moves forward.
I had so many thoughts and ideas from your story. Sci-fy stories of possible scenes. I hope you rework this into an exciting story.


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Review of Missing  
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Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hello Lisa Noe Kittyluv um Puppyluv
I just finished reading your post.


Overall Review: I managed to read it completely. The premise of the story is good. I looked at the date it was written and realized it was a number of years ago. I also know most of the other posts are poetry.

What is the goal or purpose? This is a story about a young girl who goes missing from her dorm in a foreign country. There is a police investigation and the criminal blabs.

Is there a motivation? The motivation in this story is hard to find. I guess the guy wanted to rape her. This is something that needs to established in the story. He doesn't show up until the end. There is a reference to this. It's called Chekov's gun. If the gun is used at the end, it better be mentioned at the beginning. We didn't know about the guy until after the fact. He seemed to be thrown at the reader. "Oh by the way there was this guy..."

What are the conflicts? The girl is missing and then a man is talked about and then he's questioned.

What I Liked: I love a good mystery/crime story. I write them and have published this type. I liked you idea.

What Needs Work: The only thing that needs work is the layout of the story. It needs to be cut and pasted in the correct order of events so the reader starts with the introduction of the main character and planting clues that lead to the abduction. Then the police procedure. The man telling what happened is too convenient, but that can be worked into the story.
I'd love to help you take this apart and rewrite it, if you're interested in plotting a mystery.


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25
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello K.HBey
I just finished reading your post.


Overall Review: A quiet day at the beach is what I also love. The author arrives with the intent to enjoy the solitude but it's interrupted.
You give the reaction of the family in more detail than the conflict. I loved this short story. I have been in the situation where a sneaker wave pulled me into the ocean. It wasn't too deep and I was able to regain my footing. the result of that dunking is etched in my memory. My mind immediately went there.

What is the goal or purpose? As I stated the writer wants to enjoy the view when it's interrupted.

Is there a motivation? This author is a human who has the instinct we all have, to save a life. We automatically jump to prevent the loss of life. Knowing the author is has a background in the medical field it's a reaction more ingrained.

What are the conflicts? A child is drowning. She is afraid of a dog swimming nearby.

What I Liked: There is a calm beginning and a dramatic action escalates to a possible action but resolves to a satisfying conclusion.

What Needs Work:
Your English has some issues, but its not your first language so it's understandable.
I loose myself here on the sand and time the word should be lose
my eyes are caught by such cute child who seems to drown. While this isn't all that bad it doesn't read as easy as this might My eyes immediately search the water for the source of the sound. It's not playful and my instincts are on alert. A child, thrashing in the waves, she can't swim and needs help.
I love that the person reacts, but this line doesn't engage the seriousness of the situation. I let my phone and everything and run to the child quickly and save such beautiful girl of five years old.
You might try words that evoke anxiety I leave my phone and everything on the sand. Running with all my strength, I enter the water, my eyes on the the child and grab her from the clutches of death. We fight the water to the shore where her parents wait with alarm. At this time the age if the child isn't known.
Her parents are strayed and cannot do anything. Her mother is crying and her father keeps his daughter fast from me. This sentence confused me. The placement would seem to be describing the reaction of the parents after saving their daughter. It might read Her parents pulled the child from my arms. I'm not offended by their action.
I give an explanation to them that a big dog has been swimming and then has been near her. She has become afraid and has got a panic and has lost herself under water which has kept her away a quiet far from the shore. I understood what you wrote. Again the wording is difficult. This might flow better.
I explained to them a dog swam close to her and she tried to move away in fear, but lost her footing and the current pulled her deeper in the water. You don't have use those words, but explaining with more detail helps to give the reader a mental picture of what she observed.


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