Hi Dave, Sorry I'm running behind. You'd think I had all the time in the world to get this stuff done but here I am scrambling. I feel a little like your poem. I'm wondering if this has anything to do with the recent tornadoes out your way. What a nightmare, sheltered at home with a tornado bearing down on you. Doesn't sound so sheltered to me. Anyway, I don't know if you are close to that area or not but that is the thought that came to my head when I read your poem.
Yes you mastered the form pefectly in frame and intent. Your imagery evokes emotion. I still have 3 entries left but right now you are ahead of the pack. This poem has power.
Thanks for entering the Oriental poetry contest with this great offering.
Hi Rhychus, Thanks for entering your gogyohka in the Oriental Poetry Contest. This is so cute "He" could be a child, a dog or a cat. I'm leaning toward dog. Whatever, it is a perfect image of how we respond to small loveable entities.
Your small piece masters the frame and intent of the gogyohka and was a pleasure to read.
I especially loved "And tickles under his chin." My Molly loves that. (she is a kitty) but so did Trey (my late, Siberian husky) and I can still hear the giggles of my grandson when he was tiny and I'd tickle him under the chin. This was really good, the reader brings their own experience to the piece.
Hi Rinsoxy, This gogyohka, Unfettered, is quite beautiful. I’m taking a closer look to prepare for judging. You capture the essence of this 5 line Japanese form eloquently.
The poem flows fluidly. It has a nice rhythm begun in your first line.
I found no technical error. Japanese forms tend to draw emotion from concrete imagery and L4 is a bit abstract but that was the only weakness I could find and that is simply one person’s opinion. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
Thank you for entering the Oriental Poetry Contest. I really enjoyed reading your entry
Hi Chris, Haha, entering your own contest, clever. I'm reviewing your "social distancing" preparing to judge the contest. Edits are allowed through the 14th and I return to reread and make a final judgment on the 15th.
The Japanese word gogyohka means 5 lines. The only elemental requirement of this form is that the poem be written in 5 lines. Your poem has 7 lines, 2 lines too many. To be a gogyohka it needs to be trimmed by 2 lines. If this poem were mine and I was looking to trim, I would remove L4 and L6 as redundant.
Asian poetry, especially Japanese poetry is concrete, focused and minimal. It doesn't tell the reader how you feel, it shows it. Your poem is a bit abstract.
Your best line, " I am that hugger" Hopefully soon, we will all get some of those hugs you write about because not only is it hard for the hugger not to hug, it is hard on the huggee not to get those hugs.
Thanks for jumping in and supporting the contest with your own poem.
Hi Dave, No doubt you nailed it. Your Ya Du "Spirit of Summer" embraces the season and gives the reader a little rush. Perfect mastery of the elements of the Ya Du form, actually. With so few entries this round I could only award 1 winner and I flipped a coin. It came up heads, you were tails. But I am still sending a Merit Badge.
Thank you for continuing to support this contest and submitting quality work as examples.
Hi Rhychus, Thank you for entering your Wonderful Spring in Round 67 of the Oriental Poetry Contest. Your poem not only captured the season but mastered the elements of the Ya Du form. Nicely done.
Hi Odessa, Following you at I Write, I am reviewing your My Grandfather's Clock. I found this short story interesting with no technical issues such as misspelled words, punctuation or syntax, that jumped off the page at me. I am not a short story writer so I am limited in my knowledge of writing such. The opinions here are simply my reaction, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
I don't know the song, horror is a genre I normally avoid, in movies, books, or just tales around a campfire so I hadn't heard any of this before. Your plot line made sense, the characters got a little jumbled for me but you got the point across. It was pretty clear to me where the story was leading to early on in the story. Your last line was a perfect ending for the story.
Hi Beholden, You are back for another round, Thank You. I'm reviewing your Assignation for the Oriental Poetry Contest. Taking a closer look prepping to judge. My comments are from my interpretation of Kouta frame. Use what is helpful and ignore the rest.
In reviewing the Kouta, I am looking for, compliance with the syllabic pattern, onomatopoeia, and connection to ordinary events. These small songs are like personal messages. I see you embraced the "sometimes 5 lines" and made a good choice to make it 7 syllables to maintain the syllabic pattern and "Chattering" is a sound element of onomatopoeia.
I do have to wonder a little about the personal aspect of the piece. Yes, it leads to L5 that alludes to a human connection but the first 4 lines reflect on the setting in nature rather than on the event or personal connection to another. The Kouta is all about feelings. I'm not sure there is enough in this one.
It is a lovely romantic poem. I enjoyed reading your stroll through the evening on the path to your love. Nice
Hi Dave, I just read a Snowflake poem from you. Quite different from this one entered in the Oriental Poetry Contest. I'm reviewing your Snowflakes, prepping to judge. My comments are based on my interpretation of the form. Use what is helpful and ignore the rest.
Reviewing a Kouta, I am looking for compliance with the syllabic element, onomatopoeia, and connection to ordinary events. Each kouta should be able to stand alone but in a series have a running theme or connection. Your Snowflakes both include the sound element "shout" and "screaming", you can't get more ordinary than shoveling snow and then feeling the aches and pains of the exercise and each of the Koutas could stand alone.
It was interesting that you reversed the syllabic count from 7-5-7-5 from the most popular of Kouta frames to 5-7-5-7. It works for the poem. How picky need I get here? There are a lot of equally good entries this round that stuck to the popular syllablic pattern. This judging stuff is hard enough!
I like the words and phrases used "fitness program" "liniment" "protraction", they elevate the message.
I thought your Koutas were cleverly crafted and enjoyed reading them.
Thanks for all of your support given to this contest.
Wow, well done Kåre, Thank you for entering your 5 koutas in Round 66 of the Oriental Poetry Contest. (I appreciate your enthusiasm in entering them twice but I'll only be judging them once.
What I am looking for in the Kouta is, compliance with the syllabic patterns, focus on the human condition and onomatopoeia. You managed to master all three in your five Koutas. sizzle / Ka choo / cry / pound / limp
Five Koutas with a theme of loneliness. Nice!
Obviously, you embraced the spirit of the form. Impressive.
Hi Ridinghhood, Thank you for entering your wonderful Super Tuesday poem in Round 66, the Kouta at the Oriental Poetry Contest. I am taking a closer look to prep for judging.
When reviewing a Kouta I am looking for compliance with the syllabic frame, focus on the human condition and onomatopoeia. A Kouta is a stand-alone poem in 4 lines which can be accompanied by other Kouta's with the same theme to compliment each other but shouldn't be dependant on each other. This is my interpretation of the form, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
The human condition is prevalent in each kouta, the 2nd is my favorite. I can taste the bread, or at least I wish I could taste some bread. ( the most difficult food to give up on my diet)
Your entry could be read as one poem or 3 poems in a series that complies with my understanding of the intent of the form.
I believe your syllable count is off in the first line of your first kouta (8 syllables) and in the 3rd line (8 syllables) of your last Kouta. The frame you chose was 7-5-7-5. Edits are allowed until the 14th, on the 15th poems are reread and reassessed.
There is no obvious onomatopoeia in any of the 3 koutas. "savor" could be a sort of stretch.
I really like your poem and I'm glad the Kouta prompt contributed in some small way to the inspiration of this piece.
Hi Angelica, Thank you for entering Making a Mess in Round 66, the Kouta, at the Oriental Poetry Contest. I am taking a closer look preparing to judge. Edits are allowed until the 14th and poems will be reread and assessed on the 15th.
What I am looking for when reviewing the Kouta is syllabic compliance, focus on the human condition and onomatopoeia. Each stanza should be a stand-alone poem. When presented in a series the stanzas should compliment each other.
Your first line of the first Kouta has 8 syllables when it should have only 7, otherwise, your syllable count is right on.
You touch on the human condition though I was looking for something a little more personal, maybe communication of the frustration the mess creates. But that is just my interpretation of the form.
Onomatopoeia, "rip" appears in the first Kouta but not in the 2nd and the two stanzas seem more dependant on each other than as separate poems that compliment each other.
This is just my interpretation of the form, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
You have created a clever poem that could be developed into something universally appealing. I enjoyed reading.
Hi Rhychus, I am so pleased that my prompt for Round 66, the Kouta, contributed in some small way to inspire your beautiful poem, Heartspeak. I'm taking a closer look preparing to judge the offerings.
When judging the Kouta I'm looking for syllabic compliance, a personal theme and onomatopoeia. Each stanza should be able to stand alone as a poem in itself. You managed to capture all of the elements although in the 3rd stanza maybe "plead" is a little stretch for onomatopoeia in a stand-alone poem.
L8 gave me a chuckle, sneaking in amid the solemnity of the rest of the lines.
My favorite lines open the poem"
"Weaned off cream, in time's hushed breeze,
Meanings long feed minds,"
Phonetics, imagery, and contemplation all rolled up into a gem of a couplet.
Hi Jody, You and I, though living across the globe from each other have had similar lives. I'm here reviewing your A Life Long Journey. It tells my story too, though I have 2 years on you, married 57 years and I only had 1 child, but lots of dogs and horses.
This is a beautiful poem, written in quatrains with random rhyme. This is just my opinion, but if it were mine, I would strike "In the beginning we were" it is redundant and throws of the balance and rhythm of the stanza. Beginning with
"Children playing life's game" is sufficient and brings the stanza into balance. This is your poem, use what you think helpful and ignore the rest.
The rest of poem floats on clouds of love. Not the sweet sticky stuff, real life down in the trenches love. I thought it poignant and moving.
Hi Beholden, I love the way you embrace the history and spirit of the form. I was beginning to think the Qasida was too difficult because only one brave soul posted a poem early in the round, then nothing until almost the end of the round. But I can see from the later entries, the form took thought, effort and time to accomplish the task. I so appreciated the results, yours included.
Because of the late entries, the reviews are late. I hope not too late to edit minor points before midnight.
The Qasida is a complicated form with many balls to juggle. You nailed the linking rhyme. The 4 part structure is a little blurred but you do tell a story from beginning to now. The Qasida is written in shers, complete couplets. Each couplet should be able to stand on its own. You don't use enjambment between couplets which is great but the comma is a kind of soft endstop. It implies the next line is necessary to complete the thought unit. A complete couplet is a single thought unit, endstopped. A poem in itself.
I love this poem! I was beginning to think the Qasida was too difficult because only one brave soul posted a poem early in the round, then nothing until almost the end of the round. But I can see from the later entries, the form took thought, effort and time to accomplish the task. I so appreciated the results, including yours.
The Qasida is a complicated form, you nailed the linking rhyme. You wrote a delightful poem. But there are a lot of balls to juggle with this form. You missed the "complete" couplet - sher. I am sure you know, a complete couplet is a single thought unit contained within 2 lines, endstopped. The intent of the sher is that it should be able to stand alone. A poem in itself. There is never enjambment between shers - complete couplets. You also blurred over the 4 part structure, beginning in the past, describing loss, showing the struggles and finally plea for honor or praise.
Your poem is skillfully written and fun to read. I just doesn't quite hit the mark as a Qasida. But it is one I enjoyed reading more than once and will come back to read again.
Hello Kare, I was beginning to think the Qasida was too difficult because only one brave soul posted a poem early in the round, then nothing until almost the end of the round. But I can see from the later entries, the form took thought, effort and time to accomplish the task. I so appreciated the results, yours included.
You captured the form of the Qasida with graceful poignancy. The linking rhyme, the 4 unit structure are all there. There is only one technical element that is neglected in your poem. The Qasida is written in shers which are "complete" couplets. In a "complete" couplet the thought unit is totally contained and endstopped in 2 lines. There should be no enjambment between couplets. The intent is that the sher should be able to stand alone. Your last couplet exemplifies why. It is a complete couplet, a complete poem in itself.
I thought the theme and its presentation was beautiful. It is a poem I enjoyed reading aloud and more than a couple of times. It is one of those that I would stop by and read again.
Hi Neva, Thank you so much for taking on this difficult form and entering your Qasida into Round 65 at the Oriental Poetry Contest. I was beginning to think the challenge was too hard since so far you are the only one to enter and it has been posted for 7 days.
The Qasida has many elements to consider, meter, rhyme, unit structure, a lot of balls to juggle. Your poem managed the even length lines, complete couplets, rhyme scheme and the 4 unit structure smoothly. However, you chose the rhymed couplet scheme which carries with it one more element, a running incremental refrain, which is missing from your piece. It was the difficulty of including that particular element that was the reason I suggested that entries utilize the more common running monorhyme scheme which doesn't include an incremental refrain element. I have edited my description to include a definition of incremental refrain to make it clearer to those who may not understand. Your skill level leads me to believe, you already know the definition but that you just missed it.
True to your aesthetic, your piece communicates your message of faith. Something I always admire about your work. I love the hidden word connotation and think this poem could be expanded to dig deeper into this subject and really become a meaningful poem. I would be curious to read it.
Thanks again for being the first and maybe only brave soul to tackle the Qasida.
Hi Rhycus, Thank you for your continued support of the Oriental Poetry Contest with your contribution of "My Brother's Pain" and GPs too.
The kasa's simple frame with options variation is still a recognizable structure and your poem fits well. Parallel and rhythm are paramount and you nailed it.
I have nothing to offer to improve this small gem.
This small piece was razor-sharp and cut right to the heart. So much power in so few words.
Haha, I scenario, my younger brother could have written this. Well, maybe not written it, painted it.
Hi Beholden, Thanks for continuing to support the Oriental Poetry Contest with your entry of Childhood Play. I am taking a closer look to prep for judging.
The Kasa has a lot of wiggle room in the frame and you had no trouble with that. The parallels were there, whether by line or within the line, as long as phrases either mirror one another or contrast one another. You did it.
This almost seemed too simple. There is so much more to this story, it's like you set the scene and stopped. I enjoyed reading your piece but was left wanting more.
I loved the younger brother, older sister theme. Siblings have so much influence on our lives as does the position we hold in the pecking order.
Hi Dave, Thanks for continuing to support the Oriental Poetry Contest with your entries. Your choice of the birds in San Juan Capistrano as a subject came out of left field and surprised me. That is one of the fun things about these contests and activities, you never know where the poet will take you.
The kasa is a simple form that you managed well, your parallels within the lines work.
Your word choices fitting the subject and there is an old California flavor to the scene. I've been several times, and the mission where the birds seem to favor is lovely. Your poem touches on the tip of the iceberg, leaving me wanting more.
Hi Neva, Following you at I Write I am reviewing your lovely Love's Rose. My first impression was joy in finding a love poem that didn't go on and on and yet captured the essence of that always sought after word "love".
Comparing love to a rose is cliché at best but you managed to change it to make it fresh and appropriate. I loved that you were sharing your grandparent's love for each other. I too had grandparents with a long marriage, 74 years, almost 75, but my grandfather passed a couple of months short of that date. You might say my grandmother died the same day although physically she lived another 3 years.
Your use of words such as atom and connubial give interest and vitality your small piece. The rhythm, flawless. The message simple and timeless.
Hi flyfishcacher, Following you at I Write, I am taking on your Five Lessons for review. I thought it a clever piece though admittedly about three quarters through was beginning to look for the end. I think it may have strung out just a little bit too long to hold my interest all of the way to the end.
My first impression was, a little overwhelming, the appearance on the page while easy reading because of dialogue had no breaks. So it seemed massive. Once I got into it, there was an easy flow and it wasn't so daunting. I don't look for technical error such as spelling, punctuation, syntax unless it jumps from the page at me. Nothing jumped.
I thought your use of the cigar did help break it up a bit. The finish was as I suspected, as it kept going on and on I knew I was never going to read the 5 things. I did like ending it with the cigar. It seemed to tie it up. Abberan was a crafty old guy.
This is a good piece of writing with some lessons within that if you are a student of writing prose could be helpful. I am assuming that was the point. Well done.
Hi Dave, Winter Chill has power. This is one I felt as I read it. Thank you for entering it in round 63 at the Oriental Poetry Contest.
I thought your caps, bringing focus to the intersection where peace meets war had shock value, especially immediately followed by the loss of a leg. A story too often told but it doesn't lose anything in the repetition. Your haiku goes to the heart of what is now. Poignant and strong.
Hi Ridinghhood, Thank you for entering your Water Birds in the haibun round for the Oriental Poetry Contest. I really enjoy reading your work.
The haibun is pretty straight forward, prose followed by a haiku. The tricky part is the prose and haiku should be on different planes. You seem to have done that almost. There is still a clear connection between the egret and the water birds you pray for in the prose. I wonder if the prose were less direct as to what the prayer was focused on. Just a thought. Edits are allowed through the 30th. I will reread and reassess on the 31st before judging. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest. It is your poem.
I love the line "psalm in motion" , it is quite beautiful.
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If this poem were mine and I was looking to trim, I would remove L4 and L6 as redundant.