Hi Beholden, I love the way you embrace the history and spirit of the form. I was beginning to think the Qasida was too difficult because only one brave soul posted a poem early in the round, then nothing until almost the end of the round. But I can see from the later entries, the form took thought, effort and time to accomplish the task. I so appreciated the results, yours included.
Because of the late entries, the reviews are late. I hope not too late to edit minor points before midnight.
The Qasida is a complicated form with many balls to juggle. You nailed the linking rhyme. The 4 part structure is a little blurred but you do tell a story from beginning to now. The Qasida is written in shers, complete couplets. Each couplet should be able to stand on its own. You don't use enjambment between couplets which is great but the comma is a kind of soft endstop. It implies the next line is necessary to complete the thought unit. A complete couplet is a single thought unit, endstopped. A poem in itself.
I love this poem! I was beginning to think the Qasida was too difficult because only one brave soul posted a poem early in the round, then nothing until almost the end of the round. But I can see from the later entries, the form took thought, effort and time to accomplish the task. I so appreciated the results, including yours.
The Qasida is a complicated form, you nailed the linking rhyme. You wrote a delightful poem. But there are a lot of balls to juggle with this form. You missed the "complete" couplet - sher. I am sure you know, a complete couplet is a single thought unit contained within 2 lines, endstopped. The intent of the sher is that it should be able to stand alone. A poem in itself. There is never enjambment between shers - complete couplets. You also blurred over the 4 part structure, beginning in the past, describing loss, showing the struggles and finally plea for honor or praise.
Your poem is skillfully written and fun to read. I just doesn't quite hit the mark as a Qasida. But it is one I enjoyed reading more than once and will come back to read again.
Hello Kare, I was beginning to think the Qasida was too difficult because only one brave soul posted a poem early in the round, then nothing until almost the end of the round. But I can see from the later entries, the form took thought, effort and time to accomplish the task. I so appreciated the results, yours included.
You captured the form of the Qasida with graceful poignancy. The linking rhyme, the 4 unit structure are all there. There is only one technical element that is neglected in your poem. The Qasida is written in shers which are "complete" couplets. In a "complete" couplet the thought unit is totally contained and endstopped in 2 lines. There should be no enjambment between couplets. The intent is that the sher should be able to stand alone. Your last couplet exemplifies why. It is a complete couplet, a complete poem in itself.
I thought the theme and its presentation was beautiful. It is a poem I enjoyed reading aloud and more than a couple of times. It is one of those that I would stop by and read again.
Hi Neva, Thank you so much for taking on this difficult form and entering your Qasida into Round 65 at the Oriental Poetry Contest. I was beginning to think the challenge was too hard since so far you are the only one to enter and it has been posted for 7 days.
The Qasida has many elements to consider, meter, rhyme, unit structure, a lot of balls to juggle. Your poem managed the even length lines, complete couplets, rhyme scheme and the 4 unit structure smoothly. However, you chose the rhymed couplet scheme which carries with it one more element, a running incremental refrain, which is missing from your piece. It was the difficulty of including that particular element that was the reason I suggested that entries utilize the more common running monorhyme scheme which doesn't include an incremental refrain element. I have edited my description to include a definition of incremental refrain to make it clearer to those who may not understand. Your skill level leads me to believe, you already know the definition but that you just missed it.
True to your aesthetic, your piece communicates your message of faith. Something I always admire about your work. I love the hidden word connotation and think this poem could be expanded to dig deeper into this subject and really become a meaningful poem. I would be curious to read it.
Thanks again for being the first and maybe only brave soul to tackle the Qasida.
Hi Rhycus, Thank you for your continued support of the Oriental Poetry Contest with your contribution of "My Brother's Pain" and GPs too.
The kasa's simple frame with options variation is still a recognizable structure and your poem fits well. Parallel and rhythm are paramount and you nailed it.
I have nothing to offer to improve this small gem.
This small piece was razor-sharp and cut right to the heart. So much power in so few words.
Haha, I scenario, my younger brother could have written this. Well, maybe not written it, painted it.
Hi Beholden, Thanks for continuing to support the Oriental Poetry Contest with your entry of Childhood Play. I am taking a closer look to prep for judging.
The Kasa has a lot of wiggle room in the frame and you had no trouble with that. The parallels were there, whether by line or within the line, as long as phrases either mirror one another or contrast one another. You did it.
This almost seemed too simple. There is so much more to this story, it's like you set the scene and stopped. I enjoyed reading your piece but was left wanting more.
I loved the younger brother, older sister theme. Siblings have so much influence on our lives as does the position we hold in the pecking order.
Hi Dave, Thanks for continuing to support the Oriental Poetry Contest with your entries. Your choice of the birds in San Juan Capistrano as a subject came out of left field and surprised me. That is one of the fun things about these contests and activities, you never know where the poet will take you.
The kasa is a simple form that you managed well, your parallels within the lines work.
Your word choices fitting the subject and there is an old California flavor to the scene. I've been several times, and the mission where the birds seem to favor is lovely. Your poem touches on the tip of the iceberg, leaving me wanting more.
Hi Neva, Following you at I Write I am reviewing your lovely Love's Rose. My first impression was joy in finding a love poem that didn't go on and on and yet captured the essence of that always sought after word "love".
Comparing love to a rose is cliché at best but you managed to change it to make it fresh and appropriate. I loved that you were sharing your grandparent's love for each other. I too had grandparents with a long marriage, 74 years, almost 75, but my grandfather passed a couple of months short of that date. You might say my grandmother died the same day although physically she lived another 3 years.
Your use of words such as atom and connubial give interest and vitality your small piece. The rhythm, flawless. The message simple and timeless.
Hi flyfishcacher, Following you at I Write, I am taking on your Five Lessons for review. I thought it a clever piece though admittedly about three quarters through was beginning to look for the end. I think it may have strung out just a little bit too long to hold my interest all of the way to the end.
My first impression was, a little overwhelming, the appearance on the page while easy reading because of dialogue had no breaks. So it seemed massive. Once I got into it, there was an easy flow and it wasn't so daunting. I don't look for technical error such as spelling, punctuation, syntax unless it jumps from the page at me. Nothing jumped.
I thought your use of the cigar did help break it up a bit. The finish was as I suspected, as it kept going on and on I knew I was never going to read the 5 things. I did like ending it with the cigar. It seemed to tie it up. Abberan was a crafty old guy.
This is a good piece of writing with some lessons within that if you are a student of writing prose could be helpful. I am assuming that was the point. Well done.
Hi Dave, Winter Chill has power. This is one I felt as I read it. Thank you for entering it in round 63 at the Oriental Poetry Contest.
I thought your caps, bringing focus to the intersection where peace meets war had shock value, especially immediately followed by the loss of a leg. A story too often told but it doesn't lose anything in the repetition. Your haiku goes to the heart of what is now. Poignant and strong.
Hi Ridinghhood, Thank you for entering your Water Birds in the haibun round for the Oriental Poetry Contest. I really enjoy reading your work.
The haibun is pretty straight forward, prose followed by a haiku. The tricky part is the prose and haiku should be on different planes. You seem to have done that almost. There is still a clear connection between the egret and the water birds you pray for in the prose. I wonder if the prose were less direct as to what the prayer was focused on. Just a thought. Edits are allowed through the 30th. I will reread and reassess on the 31st before judging. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest. It is your poem.
I love the line "psalm in motion" , it is quite beautiful.
Hi Angelica, Thank you for entering the Oriental Poetry contest with your On Fire tribute to Australia's wildfire tragedy. Living through all too many wildfires here in northern California I can relate.
The Haibun on the surface is pretty straight forward, prose followed by a haiku, which you did. The tricky part is the prose and the haiku should be on different planes. You sort of did it. The two are pretty close but you make it switch up with the "snow".
I loved the flow of your prose, describing with efficiency and in concrete imagery, the devastation. You really encompass the whole picture in few words. Great writing.
I appreciate your taking on this subject within the parameters of the form.
Haha, a haibun with a sense of humor. Hi Beholden, I'm reviewing your Magic Moment for preparation in judging the Oriental Poetry Contest. Edits are accepted through the 30th. I will be rereading, reassessing and judging on the 31st.
The haibun on the surface is pretty straight forward, prose followed by a haiku. Which you did. The tricky part is the haiku should be on a different plane than the prose, not an extension of it. Your haiku included the dream image mentioned in the prose and the reality also mentioned in the prose. Different planes would be more like, sticking to the dream, staying in Africa, with no real sound of a dripping tap, the drip should be something like raindrops sliding off an elephant leaf or whatever that keeps the dream in Africa. This is just my opinion, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
I really enjoyed the humor in this piece. "courting frog mating call" is a great line. I wonder if it would be better in the prose portion though.
Hi Neva, Thank you for this entry in the Oriental Poetry Contest. I'm taking a closer look in preparation for judging later. I will come back on the last day of the contest to read and reassess for the final judging. Edits are allowed up until that time.
First impression, just glancing at the page and knowing your name, I knew the writing would be meticulous. I wasn't disappointed.
At first glance the haibun seems pretty simple, write prose and follow it with a haiku. Which you did. However, it gets a little tricky at the haiku since the haiku should be on a different plane than the prose. You sort of did that in that the prose describes how you read the scriptures, which was fascinating by the way. "enunciating each word". Now that is devotion and beautiful.
Then you switch gears for the haiku and address how the scripture was written. It is still talking about scripture in the same language. I loved the first line of your haiku, I could see it. But the 2nd line seems to just be an extension of the prose. I wanted it to say something like "calls to me from the stars" or something not so close or specific to the prose. This is just my opinion, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
This piece is beautiful as written. Thank you again for supporting this forum with your talent.
Hi rinsoxy, Thank you for entering your "Time" in the Oriental Poetry Contest. I am taking a closer look preparing for judging.
First impression, simple, straight forward, easy to read, nice imagery.
The Haibun seems pretty easy on the surface, you write in prose then follow up with a haiku, which you did. The tricky part is, the haiku should be metaphoric. It should not use the same words, phrases or subject matter as the prose. It should show the prose on a totally different plane. For haibun the images should reveal the core of the prose through different images, not just different words and frame. Although your haiku stayed pretty close to the subject matter of your prose, you did change it to images from nature and seasons. Almost to a separate plane.
"fleetingly seen" was difficult for me to wrap my brain around. It took me a while to get it. I wonder if instead, a substitute of something like "drifting" would be clearer?
Edits are allowed until the 30th, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
So far, you have hit closer to the mark with your haibun than most others I've read here. Thank you.
Hi Jay, Nice to see you posting again, you kind of disappeared from my radar for a while. Thanks for entering your haibun for the Oriental Poetry Contest. I always enjoy your writing.
The Haibun seems pretty easy on the surface, you write in prose then follow up with a haiku, which you did. The tricky part is, the haiku should be metaphoric. It should not use the same words, phrases or subject matter as the prose. It should show the prose in a totally different atmosphere. You talk about moving plants in your prose, then prune the same thing down to haiku proportions. The haiku should disclose the core of the prose through a different plane. Take another look at the example poems, in each the prose touches on writing in some way (which isn't necessary, just a coincidence..) but one haiku shows images of a forest trail, the other thunderbolts in the sky. A totally different plane from the prose.
This is really nice writing and taken separately, well done. Your haiku could and should stand alone. I wonder where you could take us with a different haiku
Hi Beholden, You made it just under the wire. Thank you for not forgetting us and entering the Oriental Poetry Contest with your Kloang. It was worth waiting for.
It's an automatic defeat if you don't reach. You had nothing to worry about. You seem to have mastered the form with ease. Though I warn you the competition this round is fierce. Everyone brought their A game including you.
Your word choice were interesting Angkor Vat and Siam, truly taking us to the Orient. "cataclysm", I have to admit to looking up cataclysm, I hear 4 syllables but you are right it only 3.
Hi Dave, You are the only brave soul to take on a second stanza, I'm impressed. Thank you for entering your "The Debate" in the Oriental Poetry Contest. I'm taking a closer look prepping to judge.
The Kloang has a complicated rhyme scheme with which you apparently had no trouble. I think the difficulty level scared off more than a few active poets.
Despite the restrictive syllable count and rhyme placement, you managed to create a poem with fluidity and clarity. A testament to your skill level.
The theme places the reader outside in a natural setting then throws in a little whimsey. Loved it. Your word choices "raucous" "debate" and "critiques" add depth. Internal rhyme, alliteration, bring a harmony of sound to the piece.
Hi Rinsoxy, I told you I'd return the favor. I'm reviewing your Happy Holidays. Haha, you avoided the holidays on the forbidden list but you found the loophole and switched over to Hanukkah. I believe you may have misspelled it though.
The short lines, quickly move from one image to another with the occasional rhymed couplet which works.
I really liked "festival of light,/ time resets" Honestly if it were mine, I would take lines 2 & 3 cold breezes / winter freezes, and move them to follow festival of lights / time resets.
This is how I see your poem, use what works for you and ignore the rest.
It's Hanukkah
festival of lights
time resets
cold breezes
winter freezes
nature sleeps
the sky weeps.
The Jolly man
comes again
presents too and fro
Whoa, reindeer Whoa.
I think the last two lines of your poem changes the mood and are unnecessary. But this is just my opinion. It's your poem. I'd have fun with it.
If you want more feedback on your work and are willing to take on a challenge for which you will not be judged, join us at the
Hi Carly, Following you at I Write, I am reviewing your uplifting Canticle.
This is a 24 Syllable entry but I count 25 syllables. I have recounted 3 times.
I love the idea behind this poem and with a casual read it is uplifting and filled me with joy. Taking a closer look:
1. too many syllables easily corrected by eliminating "a" in L5.
(indent)2. L2, there is a little problem with syntax, it doesn't really make sense. instead of abound, maybe upward ?
3. Your use of caps is confusing. If you are going to begin the lines in Caps, all need to be capped. If you are placing caps at the beginning of a new sentence, "Voices" should be capped and "filling" and "with" should not be capped. If you are capping important words a la Emily Dickinson, Canticle and Praise should probably be capped, maybe not filling and definitely not "with"
It is your poem, this is just my opinion. Use or ignore whatever is helpful to you.
Even after tearing it apart, I am so sorry, this poem makes me feel the joy. I like it.
Hi Angelica, Thank again for entering your Drawing into the Oriental Poetry Contest. I am taking a closer look at your poem prepping to judge.
The Kloang is a restrictive form, dictating strict syllable count and a complicated rhyme scheme. Using an ancient form to inspire and create one of your own is how poetic form evolves. But this is a forms challenge and adhering to the specified elements of the original form is paramount. L1 through L3 should be 7 syllables only, L4 should be 9 syllables. Your poem is written with L1 & L2 9 syllables and L3 & L4 10 syllables. You actually mastered the complicated rhyme scheme in all but L4 where you are missing the cross rhyme at the 5th syllable. You have the basics, all you have to do is trim it up to fit the syllable count and play a little with L4 to slip in the "a" rhyme at the 5th syllable. Edits are allowed through the 14th, I begin judging on the 15th and will reread and reassess then.
I love the premise of the poem. I can almost see the lines sketching nature on the page. I would love to see what you can do with this in compliance with the Kloang.
Hi ruwth, Thanks for giving the Kloang a try for the Oriental Poetry Contest. I'm taking a closer look at your Hungering for Yeshua in preparation for judging.
The Kloang is an apparently difficult challenge since we are well into the round and so far only 5 brave souls have stepped up and attempted to conquer the complicated rhyme pattern. But you didn't seem to have any problems with it. You nailed the syllable count and rhyme pattern and delivered.
I don't deliberately look for technical stuff like spelling, punctuation or syntax but when it jumps out at me, I can't ignore it. Your poem is just fine, although I think a comma after "Son", L4 would give the message more emphasis and clarity.
I really like this. Maybe because you used name "Yeshua" rather than Jesus, which I have always found pleasing to the ear.
I thought your word choices were unique and interesting even beyond the name Yeshua. "dun" "endure".
Hi Carly, Give me a moment, I have to look up "prescient". I really did have to look it up. Sometimes these 24 syllable prompt words are really tough. In my opinion, this was one of the tougher ones. I'm following you at I Write and here I am to review.
My first impression has already stated above. Tough prompt, challenge accepted. It is this kind of word that sends me scurrying away. Congratulations courageous one. I'm not sure anyone could make "prescient" sound poetic. Now I feel challenged, but I may be out of time.
Being a 24 syllable challenge, of course, I count the syllables. At first count I got 25. Then i thought I had better listen to the word prescient which I counted as 3 syllables and you were right, in sound it is only 2 syllables.
The surprise phrase was "our us" at the end of L2. I thought "our" brought depth and changed a cliche to something to ponder.
Hi Jeff, Here I am, right back at you. Following at I Write with my Week 2 entry and therefore taking a closer look at your High Hopes.
My first impression and thoughts were, "good to see Jeff again" and "this looks like an interesting read." The video opening set the mood nicely. The space on the page is inviting and gives the appearance of easy reading. Thank you, I hate dense pages of writing that make me feel like I must plow through.
This article, blog whatever is enlightening. It gives great insight into your persona and also sparks examination of my own. Nice.
I don't look for technical error unless it jumps off the page at me. First line, first sentence, " when the first", typo, I think you meant "when the{color:red}y first". Then 3rd your sentence, isn't a complete sentence. "This song, along with . . . ." what?
I thought your 6th paragraph, beginning "One of the podcasts I listened to this past year . . ." was fascinating, well expressed and right on the mark. I had never heard it verbalized so well.
Thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece. Nice seeing your work again. I have to keep my eyes open.
Oh my, tell us what you really think. Haha, thanks for submitting your poem to the Oriental Poetry Contest. I’m taking a closer look for judging.
The traditional Mongolian Meter has even lines of either 7 or 8 syllables each. Your syllable count ranges all over the place. Head rhyme refers to the first consonant of each line matching, I’m sorry if my initial description may have misled you. You did create rhyme in the first word of the line and that was good.
Because of the variable syllable count it kind of messes with your rhythm. I thought your front rhyme rather clever.
There is good humor in this piece. My favorite line is
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That is one of the fun things about these contests and activities, you never know where the poet will take you. 
I really did have to look it up. Sometimes these 24 syllable prompt words are really tough. In my opinion, this was one of the tougher ones. I'm following you at I Write and here I am to review.