Tinker's (tinker1111) Reviews

76

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#4692823

Review of The Lovebird's Mother

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (3.5)

Hi Anna Marie, I came across The Lovebird's Mother at Read and Review.

I think this is going to be a pretty short review considering the length of your writing.

First Impression Nice title. Where's the rest?

Form A single sentence written for the Humdinger Word of the Day Contest.

Texture, rhythm, word choice, sonics The challenge appears to be to use the word of the day, apparently "onomatopoeia" which I don't feel was met. Onomatopoeia is all about sonics, the sounds. To describe onomatopoeia is not the same as to show or in this case hear it.

SuggestionsI think this would have been more successful if you said something like "As a stranger passed by the birds' nest, a warning screech of cheep, cheep, cheep, the onomatopeia of an angry lovebird's mother." This is just one person's opinion. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

Overall I thought this challenge difficult, especially if a maximum word count was given. Plus to include the particular word onomatopeia in a sentence goes against it's meaning. You kept this very brief and got the message across.

Thanks for the very short read.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

77

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#4692685

Review of Ah, the Junk

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Espero, I encountered your "Ah, the Junk" at Read and Review. So here I am to do just that.

First Impression I can't think of anyone who could resist that title. We've got to see it.

Form A poem in 32, 8 syllable lines, arranged in 8 quatrains, each made up of 2 rhymed couplets. Rhyme, syllable count, stanza breaks spot on.

Texture, rhythm, word choice and sonics The even syllable count keeps the rhythm fairly fluid. The finding of a cherished cup adds texture and interest, as do the letters from a love outgrown. I loved the word "jerk", the poem couldn't have ended on a better word.

Suggestions No technical errors jumped out at me.

Overall I found this to be fun to read. Thanks for a bit of humor on this soggy day in Cali.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

78

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#4692652

Review of The Wall

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi, I found your The Wall at Read and Review. I'm pleased to be reviewing a poem posted at The Poet's Place. There is a lot there to help us hone our craft. The latest is "DISCUSSION: Rhyme Weaving" . Hope to see more from you there. Back to you poem. . .

First Impression I am always drawn to the shape of the Etheree. The title The Wall is intriguing. I think when seen, this poem will be read by a random reader.

Form Etheree. s simple progressive syllabic verse attributed to American poet Etheree Taylor Armstrong. The elements of the Etheree being:
1. a decastich. (10 line poem)
2. syllabic, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 syllables per line.
3. unrhymed.
4. focused on 1 idea or subject

You nailed it, length, syllable count, no rhyme and a single focus that builds and the poem progresses.

Texture, rhythm, word choice and sonics The texture is in the progression of not just the syllable count but in the development of the focus. Well done. Simple language used but broadened with "mortar" and the alliteration of "building bricks". The poem flows fairly fluidly except for L5 which I stumbled over.

Suggestions Not only did I stumble on the rhythm of L5, I also didn't understand it in the scheme of the poem. My first reaction was replace with "with brick and mortar" but then I realized you use "brick" very effectively elsewhere, so what other word or phrase would work here? "with grit and mortar" "with stone and mortar"? I like grit because it is a hint at the character rather than the material. Just throwing out ideas. This is your poem, use what you feel helpful and ignore the rest.

Overview I liked this poem. The last line pulls it all together. Nice read.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

79

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#4692555

Review of Write Stuff

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (5.0)

Oh Dave. I love this! Write Stuff It doesn't give me a place to leave a

or a

or

or a simple reply. So here I am writing a whole review. Besides I have a goal to write at least 2 reviews a day and this is my 2nd.

First impression The title is perfect. It has humor and gives the reader an idea of what's coming next. Can't imagine any poet passing this up.

Form Written in 5 cinquains with a syllabic pattern for each stanza of L1,L2,L5 7 syllables each, L3,L4, 5 syllables each.
Rhyme scheme aabba ccddc eeffe.

Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics This is a poem that has to be read out loud, it skips along like a kid at play. fun with an easy-breezy feel. The repetition of the word "stuff" is very effective, especially in the 1st stanza.

SuggestionsI see no technical problems here. But if it were mine, {and yes I'm playing poetry police) I'd drop the word "or" at the beginning of S1 L5, it is unnecessary for rhythm or meaning and this is the only 8-syllable line in the poem. This is just my opinion which tends to purist preference when examining form. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

OverviewAs I stated in the beginning I loved this poem. I loved its light hearted, almost silly, banter of this piece. The repetition of "stuff" made it so real to me. Been there done that. I'm glad you used this as an example for your discussion thread. Now I have to write something.

Thanks for all the great "stuff" you provide at WDC.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

80

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#4692553

Review of Would We Feel?

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (4.0)

Hello Gervic, I'm here from Read and Review to review your Would We Feel?

First Impression I thought title a little curious. My thought, Would we feel what? The colored font, the poem centered on the page, I thought attractive.

Form Two sixains made up of 3 rhymed couplets each and followed by a declamatory, rhymed couplet. The lines have no apparent metric or syllabic pattern. The 14 lines, rhyme scheme, and the question, answer pattern is reminiscent of a Couplet Sonnet. Though the traditional Couplets Sonnet is written in iambic pentameter with breaks between couplets or no stanza breaks.

Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics The poem reads out loud fluidly even without a metric pattern. Interesting words: scream, mirthful, essence. Texture in questions asked and the answer coming in the last couplet.

Suggestions I saw not technical problems. If it were mine, and I had the time, I would probably try to stick more closely to the Couplet Sonnet elements and convert the lines to iambic pentameter removing any stanza breaks other than to break before the last couplet. But it is 3 years old and it isn't mine. I am just thinking out loud, it is your poem, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

Overview I thought this poem thought provoking and well written. I enjoyed the read.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

81

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#4692435

Review of Black in America!

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Happy, I found your "Black in America" on Read and Review and found reading this helped me see through your eyes. I'd call this a winner. It was clear, confident, and honest. You have something to say and you say it. You don't ask for pity, you clearly stand strong in your faith. I thought this poem with your message, a powerful piece.

Technically, the writing, not the content, can be improved. Though I thought the message powerful, I believe it could have more impact if the poem was condensed. Walt Whitman's famous words, "Condense, condense, condense." Some of your lines just repeat what you said before, some of the lines repeat words you've already said within the line, watering down the message. It is too important to be watered down.

I also felt the poem reads like prose because it is prose. It is one sentence, after another, after another etc, a line given to each. I wonder how it would read if you broke the lines at important words, to give emphasis to that word. eg

"Being black
in America is difficult
at times, to say the least."

And this is being very picky but I was taught, whenever using a pronoun that refers to God, capitalize. L13, L20, L21 him should be Him. It is a show of respect.

This is your poem, use what you find useful, ignore the rest.

My favorite phrase of the poem, "don't put me on the bus."

I really did enjoy reading this, I think it could be a bridge to understanding for many.

Thanks for writing this.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

82

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#4692433

Review of Snow's Writing for 2019, 2020, & Beyond

for entry "Sean, Aine, and the Leprechaun"

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hi Snow, We were posting at the same time at Twenty-Three in Eleven but your post went in first, so I will be reviewing your Sean, Aine and the Leprechaun.

First impression The uniqueness of the title will draw every Irishman to read. And if they aren't Irish, they will pretend to be.

Free Verse Just as you stated, a poem in 26 lines. You'd be surprised how many will say they are writing free verse and then create a nonce pattern form.

Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics This tells a story in simple language (other than what I believe were probably "prompt words" because of the green bold, leprashock, lepreawe. It flows smoothly, and when Sean found himself on the ground, it was a welcome surprise. I thought the humor and quick response the epiphany of the piece. It reads out loud quite well.

Suggestions Typo maybe or matter of choice? L11 end word set instead of sat? Nothing else caught my eye.

Overall As usual I enjoyed reading your work. This was cute.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

83

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#4692404

Review of ruwth is writing...

for entry "~ Confidence Course ~"

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

Hi Ruth, I am following you at Twenty Three in Eleven and I'm here to review your "Confidence Course". Usually I keep my reviews to poetry that I know best, and I always try to avoid anything over 50 words. But I here I am.

I have to say, once I started reading I didn't want to stop. The clarity, the language, and the flow of the content just kept drawing me on. I found this interesting and humorous. What can I say, I really liked it and I truly admire women in the military who are challenged to meet some standards programmed for men.

I didn't look for technical error though it was clear to me, your writing skills were certainly up to the task of drawing in a reader, and keeping them interested in what you had to say.

There were two typos that jumped out at me. 6 paragraphs up from the bottom, 5th sentence - tried should be dried. And 4th paragraph up from the bottom, - dropped should be drop.

I really enjoyed reading this. Thanks.

~~Judi

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

84

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#4692206

Review of In bleachers bare

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Kåre, While you travel the world, I'm back here in the States reviewing an old poem of yours In Bleachers Bare.

*tulipsb* First impression When I see your name, I know I will read a well-crafted poem. The title made me curious. I thought the intro said too much, I wanted to question that for myself.

Form Written in 3 unrhymed sixains. L1-L5 of each stanza varying between 4 to 6 syllables each. L6 of each stanza 2 syllables each.

Texture, rhythm, word choice and sonicsSurprise words, smile eyes, place the puck, silent cheers. The poem read out loud fluidly. The 2 syllable end line gives texture to the stanza.

SuggestionsThis was written so long ago, I am sure you have moved on and will not be revisiting this piece. However, here is a couple of thoughts that came to me while reading this piece. Repetition of the word "cheer" occurs once in each stanza, S1 and S2 repeat "cheers: at the end of L2.
I think if you could have incorporated a similar L2 in S3 it would have carried more power. Hey, you old man / you'll soon join with our cheers." And then in S3 L5 substitute, silent "shouts" for silent cheers. It's your poem, do or don't. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

OverallThis gave me chills. I loved it.

Bon Voyage, ~~Tink

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85

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#4692164

Review of Pray

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Pensive, I'm here at Read and Review and found your

WRITING

Pray (E)

In times of grief, we pray.

#2292845 by WB_Radley

My review is to show you your poem through another's eyes.

First Impression Clearly this is a spiritual piece, by virtue of the title. But then, surprise in the first couplet, it's political. Oxymoron, who wouldn't read on?

Form A poem, centered, written in 7 rhymed couplets and ending with a rhymed triplet, with no apparent metric or syllabic pattern.

Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics Words that get attention, folly, spewing, contrive. Reads quite fluidly despite the lack of metric or syllabic consistency. The jump for negative to positive, couplets to triplet give this texture.

Suggestions I don't really have any thoughts on how this could be improved.

Overall This was interesting from the title to the end line. Kind of a rant, but with a solution. Well done.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

86

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#4692079

Review of Needs Be

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Clean Sox, I'm happy to review your Needs Be for Eleven in Twenty-Three, I Write.

Seeing 4 sentences on a page looks like a quick and easy read. What writer wouldn't stop and read. The title totally made me curious. Forgive me for being unfamiliar with this form, Nano-story. Reading this piece makes me curious because these 4 sentences tell a whole story and it conjures emotion in the reader. Not an easy accomplishment. The last line said it all. Efficient, concise, with a message without being telly. I'd call that skillful writing.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

87

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#4692040

Review of Nine

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi Sum 1, I'm here to read and review your

Nine (E)

It's hot out, the game must be played. A fight? Good thing Dennis is there.

#1794061 by Jim is Gordon Shumway

.

First impression: The title "Nine" is just enough to spark some curiosity. The length of the poem is intimidating.

Form A poem written in 13, alternating rhymed, quatrains. No apparent metric or syllabic pattern.

Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics. "baseball language" When read out loud it has a fairly fluid rhythm with occasional awkwardness. It reads like a ballad without the rhythm. (Read it out loud, you'll hear it). Despite its length, the story moves along quite quickly with some twists and humor.

Suggestions If this were mine, I would find those lines that throw off the rhythm a bit and make subtle changes such as "For what he’d said, had been uttered on a whim" changing to "For what he'd said, was uttered on a whim." Or to take it a step further. Bring this into real ballad mode and lose a few, change a few syllables and use the metric pattern of the true ballad.

The elements of the Ballad are:

1. a lyrical narrative, a story to be sung. The poet is the story teller.
2. stanzaic, written in any number of quatrains. Whatever it takes to tell the tale.
3. often composed in accentual verse with alternating lines with 4 stressed syllables and 3 stressed syllable. Some literary ballads are metrical, L1 and L3 written in iambic tetrameter, the L2 and L4 are iambic trimeter.
4. usually rhymed, either alternating rhyme scheme abab, cdcd, efef . . . . or staggered, sequential rhyme, xaxa xbxb, xcxc etc (x being unrhymed).
5. composed with the subject focused on a single, crucial episode. A stanza shows the audience a dramatic moment and then jumps to the next colorful moment without always supplying the connecting thoughts between stanzas. This is called "leaping and lingering".
6. dramatic, we are shown, not told the tale. It is common to hear a character speak from the poem, bringing the story alive

You have already checked almost all of the boxes.

This is your poem, I am merely showing you your writing through another's eyes. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

Conclusion I enjoyed the trip, interesting, dramatic, and humorous.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

88

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#4692037

Review of Everything Autumn

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi Sue, Read and Review is going to give me a bunch of GPs for reading on your delightful

Everything Autumn (E)

Poem about Autumn

#2261002 by Sumojo

Win/Win for me.

*tulipsv*First impressionI did even notice the title, just your screen name and the very short poem with variable lines. Of course, I'd read it. But on second glance, the title does have a little unexpected view on just another autumn poem that would attract the random reader.

*tulipsb* Form Free verse with cleverly placed rhyme.

*tulipsv* Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics. This piece has a fluid rhythm that is easy on the ear. Sounds like lyrics to a song. You have all the commonly used words when writing about autumn and yet the way you say them sounds fresh.

SuggestionsI can't offer anything for improvement.

*tulip* Conclusion It just turned Spring 4 days ago, so a changing of the season poem is appropriate to read at this moment even though it is a different season. I loved how the rhyme was woven within the piece.

Thanks for the enjoyable read.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

89

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#4691734

Review of In Cadence, Write!

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Mike, I am here to read and review your

WRITING

In Cadence, Write! (E)

If you've ever marched in formation, you probably know the tune...

#1764470 by Soldier_Mike

.

I happened on this at Read and Review. So here we go, my comments are just my opinions. This is your poem that I am mirroring back to you through someone else's eyes.

Title and appearance on the page. Clever title. Obviously written as lyrics.

Form Lyrics with a chorus. Lyrics, 4 verses written in variant rhymed, quatrains with L1 of the first quatrain repeated as L1 of all ensuing verses. Rhyme scheme xaxa xbxb xcxc xcxc. The refrain, a tercet, rhymed DDE and repeated after each quatrain. This piece is written in iambic metric pattern, most lines iambic trimeter, some iambic tetrameter. Several feminine or falling end words. ARMy comPUTer VERSes STORy

Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics The rhythm because of the iambic pattern is fairly fluid with a very few bumps in the road. The repeated first line of the quatrains and the refrain or chorus inserted between verses, the metric pattern, and variant rhyme, give this piece plenty of texture. It sounds good read aloud.

Suggestions:If this were mine, in the refrain I would change L2 delete "I" and replace with "still". It changes the rhythm back to an iambic pattern, and makes the line more fluid.
I'd switch the last "oh" to after "is me" and before "Hey". Same thing, it smoothes out the rhythm and gives more emphasis to the end. Oh Hey!

S3 L4 "so they end as outlined" change to "so they'll end up as outlined" iambic better rhythm

What I liked I loved the concept and most of the execution of this piece. Fun to read, and relateable.

I enjoyed this read.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

90

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#4691591

Review of the rhythm of writing

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi Rhyssa, I set a goal of 2 reviews a day to try and get myself back in the groove of writing. I had just finished my 2nd review and I just happened to click on Read and Review and ran across an old one of yours,

the rhythm of writing (E)

a glimpse into the process

#1994288 by Rhyssa

I couldn't resist.

Title and appearance on the page. Being fan of your, just seeing your name drew me in but the title was enticing too. The poem long enough to have a lot of substance, not too long to intimidate.

Form A poem in 20 lines broken into 5 quatrains, written in even length relatively long lines, each quatrain made up of 2 rhymed couplets.

Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics I started laughing at L4. Yes "manure" was a clunker but perfect. I was having so much fun reading this I just didn't want to get picky. This piece reads fluently except where is shouldn't all contributing to the mastery of the piece.

What I liked I am so glad I chose to click on read and review. I am smiling and thinking "Oh Yes! I've been there all too often." I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

91

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#4691589

Review of Do you hear me!

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (3.5)

Hi Happy, Another of your poems popped up on Read and Review. So here I am to review your.

Do you hear me! (E)

Just me screaming again.

#2280927 by Happy to write

Title and appearance on the page. Your title almost scared me off. Clearly, this is a rant.

Form A poem in 22 lines, free verse.

Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics This read like what it looks like, a list of complaints. There are a few typo errors, L9 yo - you, L10 real - really, L11 Your - you're L16 Comma after you, your should be you're. Lastly, Comma after too, in L17. You lose the impact without those commas. If this were mine, I'd leave out L19 and L20 (this is already apparent)

What I liked Your freedom in just letting it all out. This was fun to read.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

92

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#4691402

Review of A Perfect Smile

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Tim, Wow, a beautiful love poem. I see it was written in 2021, I hope the blossom is still open.
I am here to review your

A Perfect Smile (E)

"I have become truly in awe...Of your comforting gestures..." - a poem.

#1798910 by Tim Chiu

.

Title and appearance on the page. Who could resist "A Perfect Smile"? The lines on the page appear to have substance without being intimidated by their length.

Form Free verse, a poem in 15 lines broken into 3 strophes, 4 lines, 6 lines and 5 lines. No apparent metric or syllabic pattern.

Texture, rhythm, word choice and sonics The poem reads out loud fluidly. Words "impassioned, enthralling, angelic, refinement" lift this to love song status.

Suggestions There are a lot of abstracts in this piece. The intended recipient will connect but the random reader might not. This is just my observation but if it were mine, I would attempt to include more concrete imagery and less adjectives. It is your poem, use whatever you find helpful and ignore the rest of my comments.

What I liked I loved "the chirping of migrating birds", a concrete image the random reader can connect to. I loved the enthusiasm that the narrator exudes in this piece and I really did enjoy reading this poem.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

93

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#4691401

Review of Again

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi Kaylen, I'm here to review your

Again (E)

A poem about constant disappointment.

#2292494 by Kaylen

.

Title and appearance on the page. A simple "Again" title may make some curious to read, but the brevity of the piece will certainly attract if the title didn't. Most poets can't resist a very short poem.

Form A septastich, a poem in 7 lines, using the poetic device repetition at the beginning of each line with using variant rhyme. Rhyme xxaabxb x being unrhymed. No apparent metric or syllabic pattern.

Texture, word choice, rhythm, and sonics Read aloud it sounds like a chant.

Suggestions If this were mine, I'd leave out the word "like" in L4, it unnecessary and weakens the line.

What I liked: You say a lot in a very short poem. That is power.

Thanks for the enjoyable read.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

94

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#4691344

Review of These Are My JOTtings, Part #2

for entry "Shakespearean Sonnet: "Life is Worth Our Time""

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (5.0)

Hi Jay, Such a pleasure to read

BOOK

These Are My JOTtings, Part #2 (E)

We live much of life amid unique choices. Joy is anchored in The One beyond our life.

#2172808 by Jay O'Toole

You nailed the meter and the rhyme and most importantly your sonnet "sings". I loved reading this Shakespearean sonnet. The form obviously suits you and the joyfull content is accentuated in the declamatory ending couplet.

Congratulations.

~~Tink

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95

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#4691207

Review of Self-Righteous yeah not attractive!

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (3.5)

Hello Happy, I happened on your poem at Read and Review. In an attempt to restart my muse, I am on a reviewing marathon and here I am to review your

Self-Righteous yeah not attractive! (E)

I'm need you to be self-righteous over there!

#2234430 by Happy to write

Title and appearance on the page. The invitation to read your poem. Admittedly, the title scared me, and the massive, long lines is intimidating. OMG if I review, am I one of those?

Form: Free verse in 23 very long lines.

Texture, rhythm, word choice, sonics This reads out loud like a list. But it is an easy read which surprised me. There is a lot of repetition that substitute words might have made it more interesting, "prick" being a standout. ass-hole, numb-nuts, clueless, etc... Just ideas that came to me.

Suggestions I see this written in 2020 so you've probably moved on but if you are so inclined to tinker with this piece, you might consider possibly breaking it up into stanzas. It might appear less intimidating with some breaks. Walt Whitman's famous quote "condense, condense, condense" came to mind while I read your poem. You actually have something to say but I believe this could be more powerful using shorter lines and fewer words. Less is more, especially in poetry. This is your poem, and this review is just one person's opinion. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

What I liked: I liked the straighforward, no beating-around-the-bush approach to your rant. It sounds authentic and sincere and pissed off.

I hope you accept my review as it was intended, to help you see your work through another's eyes. I actually enjoyed the read.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

96

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#4691015

Review of What is True

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (4.0)

Hello Howard, Wow, quite an introduction to WDC. Welcome. I just happened on your poem through Read and Review. Members are encouraged to read and provide reviews to others' works. I've had a little hiatus because of changes in my life that blocked my own writing for a while and reviewing is helping me get back. This review is just my opinion, I critique the craft of writing, not the content, though the content certainly influences my reception. The review is meant to help you see your writing through another's eyes.

Title and appearance on the page. (Invitation to read.) Your title is straightforward and a little different. Good but could be stronger. Hopefully, it would draw in its intended target and might even invite the casual reader to be curious. Appearance, long but not intimidating with breaks to allow the reader to rest between thoughts, good.

Form written in nonce verse. (patterns created for just this poem) 9 stanzas, a rhymed couplet, 2 mono-rhymed tercets, 5 rhymed couplets in that order and ending in an envelope rhymed cinquain with L2 unrhymed. Short and very long lines make up this poem. Interesting.

Texture, word choice, rhythm and sonics. The poem reads fluidly in the rhythm of everyday speech. L1 is a true grabber because of the word "abandoning". Making the image concrete and something the reader can attach to. It hurt to read it. L2 abstract that I couldn't connect to. This is a very personal letter from the narrator to his children and really doesn't let the casual reader in because it deals with abstracts. The casual reader doesn't see the pain, the betrayal, or the attempts to make amends, just words.

SuggestionsTo be honest, as I read this I kept thinking of Walt Whitman's line, "condense, condense, condense". In my opinion this truly could be a powerful poem with the use of more concrete imagery and many fewer words. The heart, the soul, is present. The delivery can be more powerful with fewer words and imagery that allows the reader to connect. This is your poem, I am only one opinion, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

What I liked I loved the sincerity of this piece. I liked the attempt at creating a poetic pattern for something so personal.

I hope to read more of your work.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

97

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14 days may be credited.

#4690974

Review of Stained

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Huntersmoon, Haven't read any of your work for a long time, so I am very pleased to read and review your

WRITING

Stained (E)

I cannot heal the wounds that remain ... A Shadows and Light Poetry Entry

#2159193 by 🌝 HuntersMoon

I hate to break it to you my friend but, this well-crafted poem is not free verse, it is an unrhymed sonnet with a hunter's twist.

Title and appearance on the page: The title would entice me to read. Unique and bold. Appearance on the page, obviously, a sonnet. I could see it a mile away.

Form Unrhymed sonnet broken into 4 quatrains followed by a couplet. Though it has no end rhyme, there is a lot of internal cross-rhyme. And it has the added bonus of the first 2 lines repeated as the exclamatory concluding couplet.

Texture, word choice, rhythm, and sonics. Once I actually read the poem out loud, it was confirmed this is a sonnet not just because it has 14 long lines but because it "sings".

Suggestions: L9 remain not remains L11 "are not cleansed" instead of "do not clean" L6 only 9 syllables long, technically it should be 10. If it were mine I'd try and add the extra syllable. These are just my thoughts, use what is helpful and ignore the rest.

What I liked Seeing a familiar name that I knew would produce a quality poem and not be disappointed. Yes it is sad, but when she reads it she just might just try and work things out. It sounds sincere.

Thank for the read.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

98

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4690784

Review of What a Pot!

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (3.5)

Hello Gilben, This piece is interesting. I'm here to read and review your

What a Pot! (E)

Short free verse from a gen x stoner.

#2292333 by Gilben67

.

Title and presentation on the page: I have to admit, the title attracted me. It is just odd which made me curious. The appearance of the poem seems unattractive. Kind of a blob on the page. But it is short and I'm always up for reading short poems.

Form There is none. This poem is 11 lines long with long, unrhymed lines of no particular pattern of metric or syllabic count.

Texture, word choice, rhythm, sonics:The poem begins with some fluidity but then despite the long lines becomes kind of choppy. Some very interesting words choices made millenia, hard-assed, poisoned, gambit, chemically modified, centrally-controlled, incarcerated, contravening... these save the poem.

Suggestions for improvement If this were mine, I'd shorten the lines, just break them up. Otherwise, I think the poem could be improved with a little more thought being put into it. This is just one person's opinion, use what you might find helpful and ignore the rest.

What I liked: This poem has merit. It is well articulated, kind of sad and kind of funny and always interesting.

Thanks for the read.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

99

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4690771

Review of In Significance

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (5.0)

Hi Terrence, Wow a science lesson and a well-crafted poem. My lucky day. I'm here to read and review your

WRITING

In Significance (E)

A reflection on our place in the universe

#2182548 by Words Whirling Round

.

Title and appearance on the page: This is the come on to pull the reader in and you nailed it. The title - compelling, the photo - gorgeous, and the neat presentation of quatrains, just long enough not to be intimidating.

Form: Nine quatrains made up of 8 syllable lines with L2 and L4 of each stanza carrying assonant end-rhyme.

Texture, rhythm, word choice, sonics: The poem reads fluidily out loud. The assonant rhyme is apparent yet subtle. Words chosen that speak of scientific discovery but doesn't send the reader to google.

Suggestions:I have no suggestions for improvement. Though if you really want to play more with this poem, maybe finding an alternative word for galaxy which is repeated in short proximity without the sonic impact of repetition as does the word billions above.

What I liked: I liked the vastness portrayed against the miniscule narrator. Bringing the expanse down to a speck of humanity.

This is only one person's opinion, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest. I very much enjoyed this read.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

100

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4690636

Review of Scent of the rain/ word count: 151

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (4.5)

Oh Jaya, I loved reading this. Now, I'm going to pick your "Scent of the Rain" apart in review, to study, to learn, to further appreciate, and to offer my idea of ways to improve, if that's possible.

Title and Appearance on the page: Title should be capitalized, maybe even made bold. It needs to stand out and draw the reader in. I'd play with this title a bit, it appears "throw-away", or an afterthought. I don't know if I would stop and read based on this title, which would be a shame because the poem is so well written. The poem itself appears neat on the page, not too long, not too short. This, I am compelled to read.

Form: Written in 5 quatrains with a single line tail. Not end rhymed but some internal rhyme and alliteration, with no apparent metric or syllabic pattern. This not Free-Verse.

Texture, word choice, rhythm, sonics: The poem is not consistent in its tense. The first three stanzas begin in past tense, caused, cleansed, stood, lingered.. Then you kind of confuse the two tenses, sprouted, springing it should either be sprouted, sprung or sprouting, springing, I think. This is really picky. Just being super thorough for future review of my own work and I might even be wrong but I don't think so. Stanzas 4 and 5 continue in the present tense until "pleased" present tense would be pleasing. The tail is in present tense.

The rhythm of the lines has a nice fluidity and I love the sonics of the piece. internal rhyme, steady, heady and the wonderful alliteration throughout.

Suggestions: It really is fine the way it is, not many would take a critical eye on this poem. But if it were mine, I would bring the whole poem into present tense. This is just one person's opinion, use what serves you, ignore the rest.

What I liked: As said above, loved sonics of this poem. Especially this line "tossing their striking heads like sprightly kids". I really enjoyed this poem.

Thanks for this delightful read.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .