Wonderful free verse- Loved the last Stanza, that was my favorite- Powerful and filled with passion. The very last line, to me, speaks of addiction- "A day of mindless repetition, awaiting her return." I can equate this to my substance abuse. A day of mindless repetition untill I could "use" again- this was my only thought. Great Job! Bravo! Sorry it took me so long to get to this wonderful write- been pretty busy. God bless you- and keep writing!
I think you write very well- what takes away from this poem to me are the cliches', "Jump in front of a bullet for you" and "be there for you twenty four seven" These are old and used. You are a good writer and can find your own words- you do not have to use these cliches'. This is just my opinion. Keep writing and God Bless!
This is a good poem- what threw me a little is the rhyme scheme- Stanza one has a little slant rhyme in it that works good, but all of a sudden stanza three seems to have a rhyme scheme that the rest of the poem does not have- A,B,A,B,0,C,0,C- the content is wonderful and wonderfully written- I just think it would flow better one way or the other- no rhyme or complete rhyme scheme- I still think this is a 4.5 poem. This is just my humble opinion. You have a wonderful muse- keep writing and god Bless!
My favorute line: "Without an ounce the serpent is barred, but with a sip the snake is charmed." Wonderful, and powerful stuff! Felt you were speaking about my own plight! Good rhyme- good rhythm- god bless and keep writing
Justine- I am in this class, but I am wondering if these are from another year or another class as the forms do not seem to fit the lessons we are taking- I will go to the class and check for your name. If you are there I aploigize for not realizing this. these were r/r outside of the forum. God bless and keep writing!
Don't know what you are trying to achive here- I am in this class as well. seems like a free form poem with rhyme. That being the case it is a good poem. I like the content and it flows well- god bless and keep writing.
I have no suggestions for improvement- think this is good just the way it is- my favorite line here is: "I want something out of nothing." And I like how you keep coming back to social matrix. Good Job. Bravo! God Bless and keep writing!
I think this is a good poem- considering my own insanity- it worked for me. What did not work for me were the last two lines of this poem- I think you could have ended this with, "We are all insane." Maybe it is the word opulence that bothers me- Opulent: Wealthy or rich- "And the world will burn (with) in bloody opulence," I think there is more poverty than opulence in the world- and still not sure if this word works here! Anyway, just my observation. Great write! God bless and keep writing!
I'd say without- my reasoning would be the amount of me's you already have in this linear decent at the end of the poem- it almost becomes redundent- very repetitive- another me would be over the top. But I do think it works the way it is- Good poem! You've given the poem a rhythm- hence the title "Rhythm" Good Job-God bless and keep writing!
Powerful emotion here- kind of a venting poem. I think you should expand this, could be even more powerful! Even more healing. God bless and keep writing!
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