Hello, Lilith. I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest.Most importantantly, Keep Writing!
TITTLE, DESCRIPTION, ETC; Good tittle!Short and catchy. I liked your descriptive line, it made me want to read your story.
CONTENTS; Your story has an interesting theme and a good message that, 'doing what's best isn't always simple.' I felt you had a very promising start to a truly dramatic story but that it could use a little expanding and editing to make it as strong and compelling as I believe you intended it to be. For example, I think a little more detail on Alyssa would help readers connect with her on a deeper level - one needs to have a firm connection to care about a characters fate. You give some excellent details and imagery, but it feels you are only scratching the surface of her emotional turmoil.
Characters, Dialogue: Alyssa is a strong character, but I felt that stronger emotional detail would bring this out in her. Perhaps her eyes look red and swollen, or she's shredding a tissue into bits [ shows deep inner turmoil]
You could also add in some inner dialogue to break up the long narrative. Example, the chapter where the various thoughts are going through her mind could be written as an inner argument with herself to create tension and drama, perhaps another passenger might speak to her...
IMAGERY; EMOTION; The imagery you have is quite good, but I think you could add to it to heighten the readers emotional investment to keep reading. Example from Paragraph Two-
She hadn't always looked like this, with her long, dark hair hanging loose, limp, oily from lack of shampoo. Dark smudges lay like etched shadows under her swollen red eyes. Gone was thier carefree sparkle, instead they stared back at her in accusation, dim, washed-out green orbs of pain and sorrow....' [ I'm certain you could do better than I with this scene, but you get an idea of my meaning anyhow.] I'd make her feelings a seperate paragraph told through inner dialogue and narrative of memories of her relationship and why she's running away. A hint at her age might be good.
SUGGESTIONS; I noted a few spelling typos, here are the ones I found;
Paragraph One, Line One; comma needed between 'window' 'and'.
the sun shined 'shone'
Paragraph Three, Line five; use semi-colon after 'wide grin' comma after teeth. End sentence after 'eyes. New sentence;' His hair was dark brown.'
Paragraph Four; 'It was fading...' 'It faded more with each mile she put between herself and her old life.'
Paragraph Five, Line Three; ' spin' 'spine'
OVERALL THOUGHTS; I enjoyed the concept and conflict of this story, if you decide to edit it or expand it, let me know, I'd be happy to re-read and change my rating.
Keep Writing!
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