\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dejavu/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/11
Review Requests: OFF
1,413 Public Reviews Given
1,424 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I provide a detailed review that focuses on flow, storyline, characters and how the story touched me emotionally. I do not focus on grammer or provide extensive line by line edits on longer pieces.
I'm good at...
Character development, emotional content, dialogue, plot.
Favorite Genres
Horror, Dark, Action/Adventure, Thrillers, paranormal.
Least Favorite Genres
Vampire, werewolves, stories based on video games, fan-fiction.
Favorite Item Types
Fiction short stories or chapters.
Least Favorite Item Types
Essays
I will not review...
Erotica or really graphic 'slasher' type horror.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 7 8 9 10 -11- 12 13 14 15 16 ... Next
251
251
Review of Bella  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)

An interesting story about a special companion and helper. I thought it would add a little more interest to your story if you mentioned what special training Bella recieved before coming to you for evaluation. Below are listed a few suggestions I hope you will find useful in helping you polish your story.
SUGGESTIONS:
Line One; Try wording this something like; 'My best friend, and helper, is Bella.
Paragraph One, Line Four; add a comma between 'me and or, and commas after the words; ' by'and 'special'.
Paragraph Two, Line Three; 'wondering'should be 'waundering'
I found your story very interesting and it was easy to understand the close relationship and friendship between Bella and yourself.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
252
252
Review of Success  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)

Good tittle and descriptive line. I liked all the movement and action packed into this very short story. Imagery was vivid and very easy to see in the reader's mind. Emotional impact is quite dramatic as one realizes that for the one Father, simply being out with his child is the true joy and success. Pacing, grammer and punctuation are all well done, and I felt the story fulfilled the contest prompt admirably well.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
253
253
Review of Poor Poet  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest.Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION, ETC; Short, interesting tittle that caught my attention very well. The descriptive line suited the story contents.

CONTENTS; I liked how Native American lore was entwined into the plot to add depth and suspence to this children's story. I felt this would add great interest for the younger children's vivid imaginations and they'd develop vivid mind pictures from the story, holding them enthralled. It certainly worked on me ! The uplifting, happy ending was a perfect finish to this magickal tale.
I enjoyed the tight, crisp writing style that avoided long narratives. Events flowed logically and in a way that holds reader interest very well.

Characters, Dialogue: I loved the characters of Illeina and her Grandmother, both were very easy to visualize and relate to. Grandmother was a person I wish I knew in real life ! I felt it was her deep, spiritual beliefs and wisdom that made this story so special.

IMAGERY; EMOTION;Imagery was well done and very easy to picture in my mind, particularly the part where 'Poor Poet'returns when his mistress slipped off the steps. Emotions are strong and I experienced sadness, joy and wonder as I read.

SUGGESTIONS; My only suggestion is that a short transition sentence or paragraph would help the flow and clarity if placed between the part where Illeina's father says he'll place the newspaper ad and in the next sentence she's dancing at a campfire.. I got a bit lost there for a few seconds.

OVERALL THOUGHTS; A delightful children's story that catches both the heart and imagination, I can see this being a favorite bedtime story of both child and parent alike.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
254
254
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)

I enjoyed the slow, contemplative flow of this poem. It held my interest and made me think about life and the bigger picture. Both the tittle and descriptive line were attention grabbers for me. I found the thoughts and verses flowed easily together, and I thought the last line a perfect finish to this poem. My favorite verse had to be Verse Five, because these are questions I have asked myself. An excellent read that many will relate to and enjoy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
255
255
Review of Berserk  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest.Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION, ETC; Catchy tittle and your descriptive line really adds to pulling the readers interest!

CONTENTS; A very well planned and executed plot and storyline. I loved the twist at the end of this one. Fresh and unpredictable are the two words that come first to mind in describing this story to others.

Characters, Dialogue: The main character is everyone's 'average joe', just doing his job until circumstances send him over the edge. This could be the person next door, or the person you meet on vacation. You let us know this person intimately without alot of dreary narrative. Show, don't tell is plainly executed in this character. *Thumbsup* Secondary characters are also well presented to add credibility to the events. Dialogue is simple and believable, it moves the story forward, building tension and drama as it unfolds.

IMAGERY; EMOTION; I found the imagery short, concise and very easy to visualize. My emotions seemed to escalate with the POV Character's, he certainly had my sympathies!

SUGGESTIONS; None of any concrete help to improve this, it stands well as it is.

OVERALL THOUGHTS; An excellent story of an ordinary person driven to fantasy and madness through the uncaring rudeness of those he is forced to interact with. A Halloween 'Must- Read !

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
256
256
Review of Dead Steps  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

I loved the flowing rythm of this free verse poem, it really struck a chord in me because it reads like song lyrics and takes on it's own life. The words are intriquing and the poems theme and drama increase verse by verse, I just had to keep reading! *Thumbsup* There were a couple of lines that I felt could be edited/ polished to enhance both the flow and richness of this poem.
Verse Two, Line Four; 'contended' feels out of sync here when I read the piece aloud, like the word is close to right, but not quite, it almost feels used merely to hold the rhyming scheme...
Verse Four, Line Two; same problem as above here with the word 'keeping', is there another that might work a little better, [ I found myself wondering what was meant by keeping.]
Verse Five, Line One; 'should be made' try 'shall be made'[ keeps it in present tense throughout ]
Verse Seven, Line Three; I'd change 'never' to never more' to hold your rythm
Other than that, my only suggestions would be to add a little more punctuation to polish it up,
EXAMPLE:
Commas after; rest and find in last verse.
Overall, a delightful, dark read that I highly recommend to all!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
257
257
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

An interesting piece with an intriguing puzzle to play ! I would suggest capitilizing all of the words in your tittle so it stands out. I enjoyed the blend of honesty, irony and humour in this piece. Thoughts are clearly formed and plainly spoken. I'm looking forward to more of this wrier's work, although I did feel a more effective descriptive line would draw more reader interest. Stop by, maybe you can solve this riddle!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
258
258
Review of Mystery Meat  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest.Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION, ETC; Interesting tittle, good description that catches reader interest very well.

CONTENTS; Very fitting for a dark tale! I particularly liked how you got the truth of the mystery meat across without an open reference. *Thumbsup*
I really liked the repitition about the 'good folks at Midwest Nuclear Research..'
For me, it sent a shiver down my spine each time you repeated it and certainly kept my attention level high!

Characters, Dialogue: I felt that I was sitting down having a chat with your narrative character while hearing the other's voices mumbling in the background.. eerie! The narrative and secondary characters dialogue combines to move the story ahead clearly and concisely.

IMAGERY; EMOTION; An excellent job of 'show, don't tell.'You manage to give readers an excellent view of background and a sharp build-up of atmosphere in short, concise statements. Emotion rises in accordance with the progression of the story.

SUGGESTIONS; These center more on polishing, than on any real errors. Use what you find helpful, disregard the rest.
Paragraph Three, Line Three; ' But, and this goes without saying,it wasn't there anymore.'
Paragraph Seven; 'times is hard..'I'd suggest 'áre hard' [ same suggestion last paragraph]
Closing Paragraph; Last line; I guess'[ I'd delete that sentence, it seemed superfluous to the mood.

OVERALL THOUGHTS; A great little dark short story that I'd highly recommend to others!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
259
259
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Interesting tittle, you're descriptive line has a typo, 'to'' should be 'too'. Good flow to this piece, it reads quite smoothly and expresses a number of rather controversial opinions in a rather light-hearted way that, in my opinion didn't seem to come across as simply mean jabs at reviewers, but asked honest questions in the author's mind. Although I must admit the closing line read slightly controversial. I did feel this piece would have a better style and flow if it were edited and put into more definate seperated verses...
Example: Line Seven should be a period after, árt' rather than a comma - to keep it in sync with the previous verse.
Sorry, I'm not great at critiqing poems, but I did feel the lines should be a little more similar in length - even though I assume this is a free verse poem.
Overall, a memorable opinion piece on reviewing poetry. I'd also suggest raising the rating to ASR simply because we have many very young writers and reviewers on site that could be put off if the views were taken too much to heart.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
260
260
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I enjoyed the rythm and flow of thispoem. It touches on a subject that is both sensitive and all too common, but this piece handles it with skill and sensitivity.
I could find no obvious spelling or grammatical errors and could think of no constructive suggestions for improvement.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
261
261
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed all the information given in this poem, it reads more like a story than a poem, which I always enjoy. However, I did feel this one might actually be better suited to
being written in short style. [ just my humble opinion from all the information and slight political overtones]
FAVORITE LINE: "Is Go mad at us? [I didn't do it] It's always great to see humour in a piece.
LEAST FAVORITE LINE: úmm, global climate change, [ the úmm' reads a bit rough in comparison to the overall flow ]
I also felt the verses might be broken down into shorter verses to holdreader attention tighter and provide natural pauses for readers to absorb all the great imagery.
EXAMPLES: [ please note these are simply one readers humble opinions ]
Break between Lines Five/Six in Verse Two, another break between lines Ten/Eleven in Verse Two.
Break between Line Six/Seven of Verse Four. I noted similar seeminly natural break points throughout this piece that I felt would make the overall flow of the poem smoother.
Overall, an interesting poem with vivid imagery and strong emotional connections for readers to enter into the piece.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
262
262
Review of Empty Tracks  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)

Catchy tittle and descriptive line. I liked the soft, thoughtful flow to this poem. It made me think of nights as a child listening to the train whistles blow and wondering where they were going. I also enjoyed how each verse flows smoothly into each other and the gentle reminder that loved ones are like old trains, if taken for granted, they could one day be lost as well. I could find no mistakes or rough spots in this poem that could be improved, it is engaging, the imagery is well described and vivid and the piece itself is incredibly melodic and memorable.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
263
263
Review of Dear Gretel  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest.Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION, ETC; Cute tittle with an interesting descriptive line.

CONTENTS; Very creative. I enjoyed the humour hidden in these words and the story made me feel good just reading it. It brought back memories of childhood bedtime stories and my insatiable questions about characters after the story was done. You create an excellent, imaginative world and atmosphere for readers to enter into.

Characters, Dialogue: I found the character of Hansel most intriguing! His dialogue throughout as portrayed, is intriguing while moving the story forward at a relaxed and smooth pace. Nicely done!

IMAGERY; EMOTION; Imagery was well thought out and portrayed. I got quite caught up in Hansel's emotions of loneliness for his óld home'combined with his excitement over his new world. You handled these mixed emotions in a smooth, free flowing style that intrigues.

SUGGESTIONS; These are only one readers thoughts as I read - if you feel they don't fit your story, ignore them!
I can't tell you how...
'lots of lots of the others...'
'hollow place in my chest..'
'Not that I'm trying to exaggerating... [ exagerate]?
'they baths with yellow streetlight..' 'bathe [ the town}?] with yellow streetlight...'
çan I'[ I can ]

OVERALL THOUGHTS; A sweet, endearing story that I thouroughly enjoyed reading!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
264
264
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)

Great tittle, very catchy descriptive line! They certainly piqued my interest in reading this humourous short story! The story certainly delivers on thier promise, I was laughing all the way through this one. Excellent use of dialogue to move the storyforward and the narrative is filled with little details that put the reader in the scene, sharing a secret with the POV character. Nicely done! I did note a couple of places that I would suggest some punctuation.
Paragraph One, Line Two; comma after 'Luckily' and 'off'
Paragraph Five, comma after 'download'
The ending of this story was great, summed up the story and left this reader laughing! Well done!
265
265
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
I enjoyed the humour in this short story, it was well done for such a short piece. I did get a little confused between the beginning and end because at first it sounds like a child having breakfast, than it seems to be simply an adult woman doing something really bizarre - going by the 'Psychiatrist time' comment. It lost believability to me here because I really couldn't see it happening or the husband just leaving afterwards, it would be nice if this part was clarifyed a little for readers, although I understand the limits of word counts! I have a couple of punctuation suggestions;
Line Four; 'comma required between, 'sloppy' 'watery'
Paragraph Seven; Line One; I think slip sliding needs a dash between the words; 'slip-sliding'
The Author definately has a talent for the humourous side of life! Keep Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
266
266
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello,Kilpikonna ! You have won a review package from me in the April Showers Of Joy Auction. Please accept all reviews as simply one readers feedback on your item. No disrespect or hurt is ever intented by ANY comment or suggestion. Use what you find helpful and delete the rest. Your story should be written as YOU see fit.
Thank you for sharing your work!

Tittle, Description: Sharp, catchy, fits the piece perfectly and develops reader interest from the start.

Contents;[Flow, Clarity]: I liked the interesing, fresh perspective on the 'James Bond' frenzy. My favorite part was the Birthday Card note regarding the 27th sequel - I couldn't help both agreeing andlaughing, because the Bond sequels do seem to just keep coming and one often wonders why these women keep hooking up with him. A very intriguing perspective in this story!
I liked the easy flow and pace of this piece, events fall into place easily, happening in a logical and believable manner that kept me reading.

Plot: Well planned and believable. I could see an actress wondering about her career after one of these parts.

Characters, Dialogue: Your main character was a person I'd love to meet. Her sense of self and humour were well-developed and her emotions of jealousy and 'who cares?' at the end were not only consistent, but believable.

Suggestions: I have no constructive suggestions on this piece. I really enjoyed it. There were no spelling, punctuation or grammer errors that I could find.
Well Done! *Thumbs-up*

Closing Thoughts, Rating: An enjoyable, fun read that packs alot of entertainment value into a great flash fiction! My rating is based on the quality of writing, believability and the fact that this piece appears very well polished as presented.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
267
267
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, , you have won a review package from me in the April Showers Of Joy Auction. Please accept all reviews as simply one readers feedback on your item. No disrespect or hurt is ever intented by ANY comment or suggestion. Use what you find helpful and delete the rest. Your story should be written as YOU see fit.
Thank you for sharing your work!

Tittle, Description: Both are excellent and interesting choices that fit this piece to perfection.

Contents;[Flow, Clarity]: I was impressed by the clear flow of this story, backstory and inner conflicts are woven carefully throughout the story with no wasted words to confuse the reader or place them outside the experience. I felt as though I were part of the family expieriencing a deep and personal tradgedy and experience.

Plot: This story delivers a heartfelt reality in the message that 'although we know everyone must die, nobody can ever be emotionally prepared for the fact.'

Characters, Dialogue: Each character is alive and three-dimensional with very strong and different personalities. I felt drawn to each one for thier own particular brands of inner strength. Dialogue between the family and limo driver was well handled and believable. It gave great insights into each person's thoughts and personalities, while showing varied customs and reactions to funeral customs.

Suggestions: I can offer no suggestions to improve this piece, grammer, punctuation, flow were all handled exceptionally well. I found the piece very polished in it's presentation.

Closing Thoughts, Rating: An exceptional story that delivers the true inner horror and struggle on losing a loved one and the strength of character and understanding of family ties to deal with these emotions. My rating is based on the fact that in my mind, the story is polished enough to be published if the author should so desire. An emotional and inspirational read.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
268
268
Rated: E | (4.0)
Excellent tittle and descriptive line for this story! I really enjoyed how you used dialogue to tell and move this story foreward, it works very well to fill in background and put your readers right there with the characters in that subway. Both Elijah and Will are very easy to visualize and I could easily picture Will as a friend or neighbor. Elijah was also an extremely believable character whom you portrayed without an ounce of put-down or dis-favour, a most refreshing change there! Your plot and story-line appear well thought out, which creates a very compelling read. I do have a few minor suggestions, mainly on spelling, that I felt would help this story, please use or disregard any suggestion as you see fit...
Paragraph Four, Line One; 'shuttered' should be 'shuddered'
Paragraph Eight, Line Three; he decided was best..' [ insert 'it' between he and decided]
Paragraph Nine, Line Five; 'interest' should be 'interested'
Paragraph Nine ' flicked his yes.. [ yes should be eyes ]
One last note on your closing sentence, I found it a let-down and quite jarring in comparison to the context of the rest of the story, which was really very up-beat.
You might want to change the last line simply to one of Elijah having warm feelings over the universe NOT being ended yet, or perhaps his hope to see Will at the taco shop on another day? [ just a thought]

A story well worth reading, I'll definately be spending more time in this Author's portfolio!
269
269
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.0)

I felt that with a little polishing and editing, this would be a very nice fantasy story. I did find it confusing that one remembered them being 'girls' together, what experiment? Could you make this part clearer, maybe expand it to note in more detail if an experiment had made them animals? I also found the idea of animals believing in vampires, etc. to be a bit unbeilavable, which threw me out of the story. I would suggest a strong edit for partially spelled words, particularly 'it', you have a number of these errors throughout your piece, easily fixed by a read and polish. Here are a couple of things I noted;
Descriptive line: 'is' should be are or become.
Paragraph One, Line three; 'and forced them'.. might read smoother as ' which forced them' or ' forcing them'
Line Four; comma needed after 'over' and spelling; ' up i' [ up in' ]
Paragraph Two, dry, little real feeling- try re-writing it from Eleyana's point of view including her feelings. [ you might want to do this throughout your story]
A very promising start to an interesting fantasy tale.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
270
270
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

A cute, entertaining story that was fun to read. I enjoyed following along with all the comparisons to different fairy tale princesses because it leads to interesting information on this author's true life. I liked the honesty and reflective thought throughout this piece. The story kept to a nice easy flow that made it easy to follow along with the author's thoughts. My only suggestion for improvement would be;
Paragraph One, Line fifteen; I think you meant to type;' WHEN others..' in this line.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
271
271
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)

A sweet and enchanting story about a little boy's love for his mom. I found it so easy to visualize the family all snuggled together and the little boy slipping off to check out the beloved tulip plant. I could hear his little feet swishing over the carpet and hearthe seriousness in his tone. I felt this story was well planned, it flowed so smoothly that I was captivated throughout the piece. You gotso many important background details included in this short piece that really made it shine, no wasted words. *Thumbsup*
I saw no grammatical or spelling errors and felt the piece to be truly polished.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
272
272
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)

An interesting and informative article! I particularly liked the tips on creating business cards to hand out and the one for ebay and other auction sites - that one Inever would have thought of! Excellent points were given on the value of inviting family and friends, I hadn't really thought about how many people that would include who weren't related to me. I also enjoyed the easy, comfortable toneof this aricle because it was like two writers sitting down over coffee trading ideas. Points are well made and easy to understand, directions are given in a manner anyone can easily absorb and benefit from. A very helpful and well presented piece on marketing one's work through networking.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
273
273
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
The first two lines carry so much impact and tell so much in so little space. Yet, as the story carries on, I realized my feelings on reading that part were off... yes, it was powerful, yes, it was heartbreaking - BUT - The power there comes later, in the beauty of the soul we will discover by the things she's learned and the woman she has become. You have inspired me with this piece, for I have yet to learn a number of what you've learned already. Your story will make me work harder to achieve this knowledge and to overcome my own pain. You have seeded this story with knowledge, with hope and with the facts that a disability can enrich a life as much as it can change it. It is an important lesson - may all who read this be as inspired as I have been.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
274
274
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)

Sweetness is the word that first came to mind as I read this piece! Next, the knowledge of the truth behind the wonderful imagery and imagination behind this piece. It took me back to when I first joined WDC and a wonderful person and writer named Paul, took my hand and taught me my way around WDC! Much like Sophy, he was happy to show newbies the ropes on getting started. My favorite part of this had to be the 'Art Auction', so easy to visualize. There is much useful information hidden within this piece and I hope many of all case colorswill read it, to learn, to remember and mostly, to enjoy!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
275
275
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)

I enjoyed both the humour and vivid imagery in this story. I could visualize the scene perfectly! It rather reminded me of my son at five and his insistence of loving dill pickles, that screwed up little face and tight shut eyes told a different story! Much like Daizy's nose versus tastebuds! I have never laughed so hard as while reading this story. I saw no spelling or grammer errors, I would suggest an edit for commas, etc. but theis does not detract from this story as it is. An excellent read that I hope many will read to brighten thier day.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
471 Reviews • *Magnify*
Page of 19 • 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dejavu/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/11