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1,413 Public Reviews Given
1,424 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I provide a detailed review that focuses on flow, storyline, characters and how the story touched me emotionally. I do not focus on grammer or provide extensive line by line edits on longer pieces.
I'm good at...
Character development, emotional content, dialogue, plot.
Favorite Genres
Horror, Dark, Action/Adventure, Thrillers, paranormal.
Least Favorite Genres
Vampire, werewolves, stories based on video games, fan-fiction.
Favorite Item Types
Fiction short stories or chapters.
Least Favorite Item Types
Essays
I will not review...
Erotica or really graphic 'slasher' type horror.
Public Reviews
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276
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
The first two lines carry so much impact and tell so much in so little space. Yet, as the story carries on, I realized my feelings on reading that part were off... yes, it was powerful, yes, it was heartbreaking - BUT - The power there comes later, in the beauty of the soul we will discover by the things she's learned and the woman she has become. You have inspired me with this piece, for I have yet to learn a number of what you've learned already. Your story will make me work harder to achieve this knowledge and to overcome my own pain. You have seeded this story with knowledge, with hope and with the facts that a disability can enrich a life as much as it can change it. It is an important lesson - may all who read this be as inspired as I have been.

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Review of The Visitor  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Marc, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest.Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION, ETC; Excellent tittle that fits the story well. Your descriptive line is engaging and promotes reader curiosity well.

CONTENTS; I really liked the hidden messages in this story about who the main characters truly were to each other! You handled thier stories very well to keep readers involved and guessing. Backstory, location and engaging storyline combine to make this an interesting and emotional read about the importance of being loved unconditionally.

Characters, Dialogue: Both your main characters were well thought out and portrayed. I felt such empathy for both of them and could easily visualize them as being friends and neighbors of mine. The man's inner dialogue as he figured things out was skillfully done and created an instant emotional connection for readers to both characters.

IMAGERY; EMOTION; Imagery is clear, concise and puts the reader right into the story as though they were in the room. I felt sympathy, sadness, hope and happiness as I read right along with the characters.

SUGGESTIONS; I only have a few mechanical suggestions for improving punctuation, and a couple of mis-spelled words that I felt were probably typos.
Paragraph Two, Line two; 'came to know' try 'he'd come to know' to hold your tense, example - you use, 'his room, etc. [ present tense throughout]
Paragraph Two, Line Four; jetted 'jutted' not jetted
Paragraph Six, Line One; comma after 'this'
Paragraph eight, line two; 'Many concerned'This sentence beginning makes no sense - concerned, I think you meant 'considered', not sure about 'Many'?
Line Six; 'if' should be 'it' and comma needed after 'side'
Paragraph Sixteen, Line One: period after 'him' New sentence begins with 'One'

OVERALL THOUGHTS; A moving and memorable story of a young man who fights to regain his life and memories and of the wonderful young woman who helps him find the courage to do so.
Thank you for sharing such a heartwarming story and I hope you'll write many more stories we may share!

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Review of Maximum Security  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest.Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION, ETC; Interesting tittle,and a very intriguing descriptive line! *Thumbs-up*

CONTENTS; I enjoyed the fast pace of this story and events happen in an interestesting manner. Your plot is fairly well planned and the story flows well to a satisfying conclusion.

Characters, Dialogue: Your main POV Character was easy to visualize and relate to. The minor villains were also well portrayed and I could see them clearly in my mind. Dialogue was easy to understand and in character for the situation and speakers.

IMAGERY; EMOTION; Excellent job on imagery, particularly with placing the villains in clown masks! I got a great adrenaline rush when the villains arrived on scene!

SUGGESTIONS; I just have a couple of suggestions on where there seem to be tiny inconsistencies in the story..
' pointed his shotgun at Carl's face. Carl gave him a sidelong look.'
The sidelong look seems unrealistic, wouldn't Carl have to be looking directly at the man with the rifle in his face? How about substituting 'cold look' or something similar for 'sidelong'?
There is no money, fool [ would he really call him a 'fool' with two shotguns pointed up close and personal at him?] just a thought, there.


OVERALL THOUGHTS; A fast paced humourous story of a young man's solution during a boring job.

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Review of One Lost Soul  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest.Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION, ETC; Excellent tittle, it fits your piece well and catches reader attention immediately, your descriptive line is provacative and interesting. Great job!

CONTENTS; An interesting and thought provoking story for such a short piece. I liked the theme of 'moving on with life' carried throughout this story. It was backed up by all the movement in the story itself, the waves, walking, horse metaphors, etc. I found it very easy to place myself on the beach beside the main character- feeling what he felt.

Characters, Dialogue: Your main character is exceptionally well developed. He breathes on the page, very alive and three dimensional. His inner dialogue moves the story along well, giving us insight into his personality and conflict.
I particularly liked the 'message in the bottle' he wrote, it was so easy to relate to, because we've all felt like that a time or two.
Your writing style is crisp and tight, no wasted words, no unnecessary details. A very smooth flow to this story!

IMAGERY; EMOTION; Imagery is memorable and hauntingly beautiful, your words show a poet's soul! I felt loneliness, confusion, anger and finally acceptance in the character that resonatedinside me while I read.

SUGGESTIONS; My only suggestions are a couple on punctuation.
Paragraph One; Line One; comma between 'light' 'the'
Line Two; commas after both 'effort' 'failed'
Paragraph Three, Line One; period after 'together' - New sentence with 'They'd..' [ breaks up so many long sentences for variation in pace - shows he's agitated]
Paragraph Four, Line One; 'He' should be 'He'd' [ He had decided]
Paragraph Five; Line One; comma after 'breeze'
Line Two; Comma after 'shells' - Delete 'and' New sentence with 'Damp sand..'
Paragraph Seven, Line One; comma after 'bottle', delete 'and' here.

OVERALL THOUGHTS; A well written and poignant read. It would be interesting to see this story expanded and to follow the main character into his new life.

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Review of Before 8 November  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

A beautiful, memorable poem that reads like music! It was so easy to relate to the feelings in this piece. Imagery is strong and vivid and takes readers on a journey back in time as well as along with the couple through courtship and honeymoon. I am not strong in correct poetry forms, but I do know what strikes an emotional chord in my heart, this is certainly one! The last verse was my favorite because of it's mystical overtones and deep emotion.

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281
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)

I enjoyed the general flow of this poem, it's rythm is smooth and almost 'toe-tapping' as it tells it's story. I did note a couple lines I felt could benefit from a small edit and polish to maintain the pieces overall rythm and flow. Line two; the word 'whatever' feels harsh and a little out of sync with the balance of the poem. Line Six- 'bottom' destroys the rhyming end of each two lines, maybe try 'tush' instead of 'bottom'? Line eight is a bit awkward as well - sheep and lamb, though cute, read a little off - how about 'golden fleece' or 'golden ring'? The rest of the poem has a natural, easy balance to it and I have no suggestions for improvement there. I did enjoy the humour and the very apt twist at the end. Very nice job on imagery - it was strong and easy to visualize.

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Review of Imagine  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, I am giving you this review as a student of the Rockin' Review Academy and the Rockin' PDG Gifting Station.
Anything said in this review is given as one reader's opinion only and meant simply to provide you feedback on your story. With that said, here is my review;

TITTLE: DESCRIPTION: Excellent tittle, short and creates immediate curiosity. Description is perfect for this piece and incites reader interest without giving away the story. *Thumbsup*

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: A wonderfully, touching story about someone feeling lonely and left out on Christmas who recieves a gift offriendship and acceptance that changes his life perceptions. I liked the underlying message that the smallest gesture of kindness can change a person's entire outlook on life and themself.

CHARACTERS DEVELOPMENT: Your main character is well-rounded, believable and very easy to relate to. Who he is came as a very pleasant surprise! The secondary character of the little girl was also well thought out and presented. You captured her perfectly and I found her very easy to visualize.

PLOT: Your plot is told from a unique and interesting perspective that I feel readers of all ages will enjoy.

DIALOGUE: Internal dialogue of the main character is handled in an entertaining, very plausible way. It creates atmosphere while moving the story ever foreward.
The dialogue of the young girl is warm, open and well rounded.

CONTENTS,[Flow,Clarity]: The story flows naturally to it's conclusion. I noted no bumps that that threw me out of the story or lessened my interest. It was well thought-out and very nicely executed for maximum reader enjoyment.

EMOTION:IMAGERY: Imagery was strong and I enjoyed the contrating elements between reality and wishes. I felt the main character's isolation, longing and joy as I read. Emotionally, the feelings in this story put the reader straight into your main character's head so readers feel the events are happening to them.

SUGGESTIONS, TYPOS: I don't really have any suggestions for improvement, but here are a couple of things I noted while reading.
Paragraph One; a comma is needed between 'loneliness' 'that'.
Paragraph Seven: ' spell' I felt you meant as 'smell' or perhaps a different word?
"Hello, Mister Frosty," she says, rather cordially. [ missed comma]

FINAL THOUGHTS: A lovely, egnimatic tale of desire, need, friendship and acceptance set at a most miraculous time of year. I gave this a five star rating because I can offer no suggestions for improvement, the few suggestions above do nothing to detract from the quality of this writing.

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Review of Dreamer  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello, I am giving you this review as a student of the Rockin' Review Academy and the Paper Doll Gang.
Anything said in this review is given as one reader's opinion only and meant simply to provide you feedback on your story. With that said, here is my review;

TITTLE: DESCRIPTION: Excellent tittle that fits your piece well, particularly in the opening sections. I'd suggest re-writing your descriptive line to give readers an idea of the storyline. You'll likely recieve more reviews that way. Create reader interest.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: An interesting concept in this story. I liked the theme of 'seeing the world's degeneration from childhood.' Dreams can be powerful messages from the subconcious, you do a good job showing this talent.

CHARACTERS DEVELOPMENT: I did get a good sense of your main character's confusion over her dreams and life path, but I couldn't really get a true emotional connection to her. She seems elusive, just out of reach of the readers perception because although you make references to her social standing, her status in life is unclear. Is her family actually upper-class or just trying to seem so? How does she feel about her status?
I would also have enjoyed seeing Henry Price brought into the story more, his trials at the end would carry more weight if we knew him better; is he kind, good-looking, why does she love him?

PLOT: A unique and interesting plot about dreams leading to an actual event. However, I did feel the plot needed a little more development because the reader is caught up in these recurring dreams in the beginning, but they are not mentioned at all midway through where she meets the strange man and particularly when she arrives at Henry's bedside. Wouldn't she be reminded of the dreams? What exactly was happening to Henry?

DIALOGUE: Your dialogue between characters is good, realistic and believable within the context of the story.It shows readers actions and moves the story foreward. I would like to see the longer narrative pieces mixed with more dialogue, particularly in her interactions with her Mother as I feel this would help the flow and clarity of the piece immensely. The section of the dinner cooking but she cannot bother the cooks would be a good example of this thought. Another would be where they are driving to Henry's, concern and anxiety could be worked into dialogue here.

CONTENTS,[Flow,Clarity]: There is a good flow to your story in that events follow each other in a concise, believable fashion that holds reader interest very well, however I did feel your ending paragraphs could be expanded to show what's happening to Henry and tie in the dreams from your opening for maximum drama and effect. The dreams are basic to your storyline, remind the reader of them. Show us how eerie this event really is. You have a wonderful way of creating atmosphere in this story, use it to full advantage!

EMOTION:IMAGERY: I loved the vivid imagery of the 'monsters' in your opening! I felt horror, curiosity and a sense of foreboding.

SUGGESTIONS, TYPOS: Here are some suggestions I noted while reading;
Opening Paragraph:
comma needed after'beasts'
' that would attack' [ use 'attacked' - less passive]
use a colon after'creatures'
'and as they' - substitute 'although' [ comma after 'although or they]
space needed between them and the dash.
'acted as though they were starving' try ' like' and 'starved'
use the semi-colon after 'hunted', delete 'and' use a comma only after 'them'
'would wake up' try 'awoke from'
You have a number of similar areas throughout the following paragraphs where shorter, less passive verbs would carry more impact, very similar to the areas in paragraph one as demonstrated above. A good, strong edit will easily fix these spots. I'd suggest using the word 'and' less, try creating a few more single sentences to quicken pace and increase drama/conflict for readers.
You also have quite a few missed commas, particularly in your dialogue section.
I have a lovely green dress' - I put on a lovely green dress - works better here.
Goodmorning - Good morning


FINAL THOUGHTS: I really felt this story could be very memorable with an edit and some polishing. One thing I'd truly like to see is a short description of Henry and what's happened to him at the end, as well as the dreams tied back into the story ending, one sentence as she passes out would be sufficent. Although your ending line is very good, it left me feeling just slightly cheated that readers don't find out the end results, did Henry die? What happened to the girl afterwards, did Dr.Price say something to cause her to keep quiet later?
A thouroughly interesting story that I would enjoy reading again after it's final polish.

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)

An interesting, thought provoking poem about a writer's life. I particularly enjoyed the slightly sarcastic humour in this poem! It was like peeking in a half-open window, listening and saying, yeah, that's exactly how it is-that's me to a T.
Flow and rythm is very good in this piece. I feel this poem will be a hit with many writers because of it's great descriptions and quaint imagery on the writing life. *Thumbsup*

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285
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)

An interesting and highly descriptive poem about a fictional character, interestingly enough, I felt a sense of a metaphor about ruined lives undernath the repeated lines of ruined make-up. I liked the overall flow of this poem, however, I did feel that verse three read a little out of sync with the poem's overall flow, I'm not certain quite what to suggest to help this, perhaps it's simply my perspective. Your ending was very good. Overall, a fun and enjoyable read.

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Review of A Time and Place  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, I am giving you this review as a student of the Rockin' Review Academy.
Anything said in this review is given as one reader's opinion only and meant simply to provide you feedback on your story. With that said, here is my review;

Tittle, Description, Rating: An interesting tittle I feel fits this piece very well. Your descriptive line is interesting, however, I did note that you mis-spelled the word 'rather' in it.

CHARACTERS: I liked your main character, he was quite easy to visualize and I felt very sympathetic towards him. I did feel your female charactercould use a little fleshing out so the reader connects to her as well because it's important to understand what makes her so special to him that he fell so deeply for her so fast. It's rather integral to the story and I felt it would provide more impact throughout. I also would have enjoyed seeing a little more reaction from him when he finds out what he's become.

Dialogue: Your dialogue is believable and does help move the story forward.

PLOT: I enjoyed the plot and storyline of this piece, a very unique take with a nice twist at the end.

Contents,[Flow,Clarity]: The flow and clarity in this story are generally quite good, however there were a couple of places I felt a transition sentence or paragraph might add greater depth and impact for readers. For example, a transition phrase about ' returning to his thoughts', would be helpful after Rose pours his scotch, I thought at first he was talking about her, it's rather confusing because the reader is never quite sure he's not.
I felt there should be a short paragraph or two after she tells him he's become a vampire to help fill out the story, I felt a bit cheated there, because it seems there is a large, important chunk of his life missing here, the part that made her loss so devastating.

Emotion, Imagery: There is a strong feeling of both loss and regret running throughout this piece. Your imagery is quite good in the bar scene.

SUGGESTIONS, TYPOS: I did note a number of missing punctuation and skipped words throughout this story, I think it's mainly just typos from typing too quickly.
Opening Line; I thought, but didn't say. [ missed the comma after 'thought'
Paragraph Three, line One; commas needed after 'pub' 'bar' 'box' attraction needs an 's' on the end.
Paragraph Four; comma needed after 'Rose'
Paragraph Five; comma needed after 'pull' 'slightly' 'wisely'
'placing' should be 'placed' Try writing that linelike this;
' She shrugged wisely, placed the scotch back on it's shelf, and moved off.'
Transition line required after that line unless Rose is the girl he lost, even if she is, it would flow better if this was clarified.
Paragraph seven, line two; comma needed after 'talking'
Paragraph seven; comma needed after 'momment'
Paragraph eight; comma needed after 'others' [ I'd also suggest inserting ' end of the night' into the middle of the sentence rather than the end.]
comma needed after 'hours'
Paragraph Nine; comma needed after first 'slow'
Paragraph ten; comma after 'twice'
Paragraph eleven; comma after 'one'
You have quite a few similar areas throughout the remainder of your story that you might want to edit for puctuation, and missed words. I would also suggest combining some of these single line paragraphs into longer, more complete ones as I think it would greatly enhance presentation and reader understanding in the story.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Overall, a touching and memorable story that just needs a slight edit and a little polishing to make it truly shine!

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Review of The Wreck!  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, I am giving you this review as a student of the Rockin' Review Academy.
Anything said in this review is given as one reader's opinion only and meant simply to provide you feedback on your story. With that said, here is my review;

Tittle, Description, Rating: I liked the short, punchy tittle, it fits the story perfectly, however I did feel your descriptive line could use some tweaking to further enhance reader interest. I also felt you might upgrade your rating to Adult supervision, it is quite graphic for an E rating.

CHARACTERS: Your main character is well developed, I could see him quite clearly. I did feel you could have gotten more mileage out of the truck driver and his reactions at the scene. You might consider expanding him a little, especially in light of your ending.

Dialogue: Not relevant, no dialogue in story - although you might want to add some between truck driver and paramedics, police?

PLOT: I enjoyed the plot greatly and loved the twist at the end, nicely done!

Contents,[Flow,Clarity]: Your story flows well and I felt the plot was well thought out for such a short piece.

Emotion, Imagery: I think you could do a little more with the imagery, add sounds, smells, put us in that accident scene.

SUGGESTIONS, TYPOS:
' home by car... the National..' [ period after car. The National..' [ new sentence with The]
any vehicle...but imagine! having to [ comma after vehicle, delete exclamation mark - never use in middle of sentence]
Loud music ringing[ use rang]
judgement!the distance [ comma, not exclamation mark here.]
it{c:lred}!...BAM!the car [ it. Bam, the car] less distracting, better flow.
he ran towards the front [ He ran]
but he stopped the truck, for the friction was slowing it down. I would delete the part about the friction, it's redundant, obviosly the driver saw and felt the impact, etc. You could put in some visual here, screaming metal, sparks flying from under the truck, burning of brakes, scorched metal.. you get the idea...
back of the vehicle.. [ a period only here]he was horrified by what he saw! [Show us his reaction, put us in the driver's shoes, don't just tell us he was horrified]
glazed [ I think you mean 'gazed'

FINAL THOUGHTS: I really liked this story, it gave me shivers and holds so much potential, I did think you could do away with most exclamation marksin your ending, they are very distracting, let it flow more like knowledge flowing over the driver and readers together. A little editing and polishing would turn this story into a real gem !

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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

A wonderfully inspirational story about becoming an adult and all the joys, trials and achievments that accompany this re-birth. I loved the details of Hawaii's beautys, cried at the death of a friend and found comfort in goals met. Oh, how I can relate to those camping trips and Coleman stoves, does anyone know how to light one except fathers? Coleman lanterns came to mind in that paragraph as well.
A warm and thoughtful rembrance of the turning point of a life and the impact these events and choices had on thier owner and others close to him. Definately a story for all young people to benefit from and us of the older generations to read and reminise about. I enjoyed this story very much!
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289
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

I loved the humour and imagery in this piece! It kept me laughing until I had tears in my eyes, the line about 'payback for curfews,groundings, etc. was so skillfully inserted it brought to mind images of my own son urging me to get my first siamese and oriental shorthair cats. Yup, it's definately payback!
I enjoyed learning the intrincacies of a Jack Russell Terrier's personality because this breed og dog has always interested me. A wonderful story for all ages!

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Review of Two Mimes  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Excellent flow and rythm to this poem! Lines flow easily into each other, telling the story of the mimes. The ending was a great twist and shocks the reader immensely because it is easy to envision such a tradedy in real life, people do not pay attention to those around them in great depth. The message and truth of this is what makes this poem doubly memorable. A great read that I hope many will enjoy.

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Review of The Final Goodbye  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, I am giving you this review as a student of the Rockin' Review Academy.
Anything said in this review is given as one reader's opinion only and meant simply to provide you feedback on your story. With that said, here is my review;

Tittle, Description, Rating: A good tittle, although Ifelt something a bit sharper might fit better, maybe ' The Last Farewell'? I would suggest capitilizing each words first letter for more impact to draw readers in. Same goes for your descriptive line.

CHARACTERS: Your male character is quite well developed and easy to visualize, as is the character of the girl.

Dialogue: The boy's internal dialogue is good, I would have liked to see a bit more dialogue between the two to break up the long narrative, I think this would deepen insight into thier characters.

PLOT: I liked the plot of this story about young lovers parting with good feelings between them.

Contents,[Flow,Clarity]: I found the story confusing in a few places, mainly near the beginning, it's not quite clear why the girl is where she is.This can easily be fixed by editing to expand your story a little.

Emotion, Imagery: Strong emotions are apparent throughout this piece. I did feel the imagery could be improved by expanding on your description of the location in the beginning of the story. You use quite alot of repititious description that almost throws a reader out of the story, try adding in sounds, smells [ could he smell her perfume?]and breaking up the white with a bit more color, maybe her scarf is blue or red to set off her hair and eyes?

SUGGESTIONS, TYPOS: I noted a number of typos in your story, here are the ones I felt most took readers out of the story and broke up the flow.
Paragraph One; ' among' the snow doesn't sound quite right, try something like ' outside' or 'surrounded by'.
Paragraph Two; this is where I felt more description would be helpful.
Try, encased by a field of frozen white snow, the school, or our blue and white concrete prison we called home, seemed almost welcoming. [ I'm sure you can do better with this line, just wanted to get your ideas flowing here]
' inked through the sky until it bled out into red stains in the cottocandy sky..] [ clearer, less confusing]
Paragraph Three, line one; you miss a good dramatic turn here, what was there the other's had seen ?

FINAL THOUGHTS: You have a great start on a compelling and touching story here, with a little work and polishing, it could certainly become a stand-out story!

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Review of Playing God  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, I am giving you this review as a student of the Rockin' Review Academy.
Anything said in this review is given as one reader's opinion only and meant simply to provide you feedback on your story. With that said, here is my review;

Tittle, Description, Rating: Interesting tittle, however it is your descriptive line that really drew me into reading this story! Great job there!

CHARACTERS: Your characters were varied and quite well-rounded, even your minor characters are easily visualized by the reader. I did feel your main character could be developed a little more to bring a higher reader connection to him. He comes across as a little vapid and not toorepentant when he makes mistakes. You might want to give him a little stronger emotional aspect over his mistakes. [ he does have quite a descision and very high stakes to deal with]

Dialogue: Dialogue is smooth, believable and moves the story forward well. I would have liked to see a little more interaction between Evan and John. I felt John would at least want some explanation as to why Evan had let the children die, even if it was only to help Evan clarify his decisions to himself or to voice his feelings over it. The internal dialogue between John and himself is good and gives readers a bit of a look into John's mind and situation.

PLOT: An extremely interesting plot, I liked the supernatural aspect to this story.
Contents,[Flow,Clarity]: The overall flow to this story is consistent throughout and I had an easy time understanding what was going on, pacing was not bad, but you might want to try editing to produce crisper, more punchy sentences in some areas, particularly the action scenes, to vary pace and hold reader attention. I felt a little like I'd been on a marathon run after reading through the full story. Try reading it aloud and noting where the story's natural rythm changes it's pace.

Emotion, Imagery: Although I felt Evan's emotions were a bit weak in places, for the most part you invoked feelings of horror and sadness in me during the action scenes and when he visited his family.

SUGGESTIONS, TYPOS: I did note a couple of typos in the story;
Paragraph One, Line Five; 'housed' should be ' house' or 'housing'
Paragraph Three; I'd change ' a lot of' to 'similar boys' [ stronger word.]
Paragraph Four; ' abuse' should be 'abused'
Paragraph Five; Engines' should be 'Engine' [ singular, one vehicle]

FINAL THOUGHTS: I was a little dissapointed at the ending, the line is good in itself, but it leaves the reader feeling a bit cheated. Overall, a different and intriqing story about a soul facing a very difficult desicion.

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293
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, I am giving you this review as a student of the Rockin' Review Academy.
Anything said in this review is given as one reader's opinion only and meant simply to provide you feedback on your story. With that said, here is my review;

Tittle, Description, Rating: Excellent tittle, it gives one a feeling that they are going to read about an experience they can relate to. I would suggest changing your story's description to reflect it's content/theme. I feel you'd attract more readers and reviewers.

CHARACTERS: Your main character is both likeable and someone people can easily relate to in everyday experiences. I think we've all felt what she feels. Her voice is strong and she is three-dimensional in nature. I think you could develop your secondary characters a little more to create a feeling of deeper empathy for them in your reader. Simply giving them names and sexes would help. Are they two girls? A boy and girl? What are thier ages. These details are important to creating reader interest, we want to know and care about these characters.

Dialogue: N/A. No dialogue in story.

PLOT:Your plot is well presented and addresses an important aspect of modern life, the neverending quest to buy, buy, buy to fill the emptiness of a world being condensed to less and less human interaction in the face of increasing technology. I really liked how you presented the various aspects of this problem.

Contents,[Flow,Clarity]: Your story flows very well. You have a knack for narrative and your points are presented with valid experiences most people can relate to in thier own lives. I did note a few confusing areas such as referring to one of the children simply as ' Gloria and Lewis's twin sister. Does she have a name? Her own identity? Was Gloria there as well on the outing?

Emotion, Imagery: I felt the tiredness of the character and her inner struggle to reach an understanding of her world. You accomplished this very effectively and I liked how she also worried about her friend's future.

SUGGESTIONS, TYPOS:
Suggestion: I would add a transition paragraph or line between paragraph one and two. It's a little confusing to have the main character in hospital one second, then be driving someone to a store. It threw me out of the story while I went back to see if I'd missed something.
Paragraph Four; ' him and I' should be ' he and I'
The ending line of this paragraph, while good, is a little confusing, you might want to add in a metaphor earlier in the story comparing or explaining the ' voids' in people and how they relate to being a consumer in the general sense, or Luis as a child.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I liked the ending of this story, however I felt something was left unsaid, perhaps you simply need to add a sentence before or after your closing line to further clarify and empower it for the reader so we understand it's context a little better.
I enjoyed this story and found much food for thought in reading it.

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Review of Faerie Magic  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I liked your tittle and descriptive line, they drew my interest well!
Your poem has a very nice flow to it when read aloud, particularly in verses one and two with the repititions of the thoughts of magic and faeries. The verse about the bluebells is a little confusing at first read. Line three, verse three, sounds slightly rough compared to the previous verses although it's certainly a true statement !
I'd also suggest adding a comma after ' magic' in line two of your last verseto maintain the pacing of your poem.
Overall, an enjoyable, light-hearted read.

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Review of Ancient Enemies  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I am reviewing your work that I found in the Simply Positive Review Forum. Please note that all comments and suggestions reflect the thoughts of one reader only. Use anything you find helpful and disregard the rest as it is meant only to provide you feedback on this specific item.

I particularly like your short, punchy tittle and interesting descriptive line. These sparked my interest immediately.
I enjoyed the symmetry of this acrostic poem. Your first verse is very enlightening as to reasons for why these animals seem to hate each other on sight. I felt your examples of the "cats" and " dogs" of Africa were particularly apt as most people have little trouble picturing the lions and hyenas of Africa and seeing something of them in thier household pets. I feel this is an important element in making the imagery in your poem come alive for readers.
When Iread your poem aloud, I felt the last line was less fluid than the rest of the poem. For me, the words, 'Now' and ' elsewhere' read a little jarring and out of sync with your earlier descriptions. The beginning and middle of your poem speak of comparing these types of animals worldwide from ancient times, but for me, the last line implies it still happens in only one specific location only. Is there another way you might be able to edit this line to keep in sync with the theme of from ancient to modern times worldwide?
Overall, an enjoyable and thought provoking read about animals many of us include in our daily lives and families.

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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, I am reviewing you Short Story as a student of the Rockin' Review Academy. Please note that ALL comments and suggestions are the opinions of one reader only and simply meant to provide feedback on this story. Use anything helpful and disregard the rest.

Your tittle is interesting, but I did feel it could be improved by using something a little shorter and more dramatic as one does use words during the course of a phone call.
I found your main character likeable and very believable. She is well thought out and I could picture her clearly. You did a very nice job of showing readers her emotions and reactions. I enjoyed the description of the creepy cell phone music, excellent way to raise tension. Your plot is quite intriquing.
I have a couple of suggestions that I feel would improve the flow and clarity of this story and give readers a better visual effect.
Paragraph One; try a period after cleaned. Begin a new sentence after with Margaret taking the cushions off the couch to clean. You also might want to clarify it was the vacum sucking up the food, it kind of reads like Margaret is doing this. I think this would greatly enhance the overall flow.
I'd change, ' it made her afraid, as if something ghostly was near.' to a similar statement, maybe using, ' although she could not explain why.' [ that way, it doesn't give away your story in the beginning.]
Your dialogue is clear and quite well done, although you might want to hint Margaret and her family really need this lottery money, it gives more credibility to why the father would need to call after twelve years to help with this.
Overall, an entertaining little story that could be truly creepy with just a slight bit of polishing!


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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest.Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION, ETC; Tittle is interesting, however I felt your description, although catchy, gave away just a bit too much of your story.

CONTENTS; You have developed a very strong plot and storyline in such a short piece. I found the writing crisp and tight. The story flow is easy to follow and builds tension, conflict and resolution very well.

Characters, Dialogue: Your main character is authentic, likeable and well thought out. His inner dialogue is believable, moving your story foreward and giving us strong glimpses into the character's thoughts and personality.

IMAGERY; EMOTION; Strong, vivid imagery! I felt like I could hear the explosions and see the battle raging. I experienced a range of emotions in this piece, fear, hope and sadness for the character's poor opinion of himself.

SUGGESTIONS; I did note a couple of typos that need an edit.
'... illuminating a world of a world of rubble' [ delete second' of a world.']
" high pitched sirens drawing near...' [ I'd use 'drew' or similar word to replace the word 'drawing' here. maintains flow, less passive]

OVERALL THOUGHTS; A strong story that gives an excellent look at autism and how it could affect a child in a horrible, harsh time. I enjoyed the strong, tight writing and felt the ending tied up the story well. A very enjoyable, dramatic read.

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Review of Forgiveness  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I enjoyed the repitition of the first verse, it cements how difficult the situation is to the narrator.
Imagery is both vivid and apt to the situation the reader experiences along with the narrator, because the situation is one all of us must deal with at some point in our lives. I felt the examples of trying to overcome the problem and failing lent credibility to the experience, thereby delivering a strong message to readers about ' not giving up' that can be applied to many situations.
The strong rythm and beat to this poem keeps the reader focused and interested, creating a strong visionary connection to the narrator. Puctuation and grammer are good, although I would suggest a slight change in Verse Eight, Line three - I'd change the period at the end to a comma to maintain the symmetry of the rest of the poem.
Overall, a lovely, uplifting poem with a strong message delivered in a very pleasing, reader friendly manner.

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest.Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION, ETC; An interesting tittle that fits the piece well. Your description provokes interest and the rating seems right for this story.

CONTENTS; I loved the idea behind this story of an unknown and generous benefactor caring enough to give a wonderful, lasting gift. The story unfolds easily in the timeframe it is built around.

Characters, Dialogue: I didn't really feel a true emotional connection to your main character, perhaps because she/he seemed more focused on the flowers and gift cards than the incredible gift the annonymous sender had given. That part rings a little untrue to me as I felt the person would be more interested in exploring the new home than tasting food baskets.

IMAGERY; EMOTION; There is a very good use of imagery in this story. The description of the fancy gifts and the one small one wrapped in newspaper was very easy to imagine. I felt I was there looking at it with the character. I didn't get too much of an emotional feeling from this piece, partly because the main character didn't appear to feel many deep feelings.

SUGGESTIONS; I noted a couple of points that seemed inconsistent in the point you were trying to get across to the reader. In the first paragraph, you make note the character lost all thier family in the hurricane, however, later in the story that family appears at the birthday party. Is this a different part of the family? You may want to clarify this point in the story for readers.
Your main character's only emotion seems to be curiosity about the key and address, however once that mystery is solved, the character again descends into almost blankness. I would think, speaking for myself, I would be imagining many possibilities and be moved to tears when the truth of the gift became known to me. You might want to give this a bit of an edit to make the character more three dimensional.

OVERALL THOUGHTS; A wonderful, uplifting premise for a story. I think this story has the potential to become excellent in every aspect, it just needs a little polishing to be so, because I did feel strongly about its potential, I have rated it lower than I feel your plot deserves.
If you do edit or enlarge this piece, I'd be delighted to re-read and adjust my rating.

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Review of On The Clock  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Please note the observations and suggestions in this review are only one reader's opinion. You are free to disagree or agree with any or no points at all, ultimately, your piece should be written as you see fit to express yourself. With that said, here is my feedback on your item.

An interesting article on time and how it expands differently at various stages of our lives. I enjoyed the points you made about the various ways we percieve time as children and felt your personal experiences added depth and a sprinkle of humour to your article. I also liked how you expressed your opinion about people changing as they age and that different people see wasting time in different perspectives. I also felt that your closing paragraph about living in balance made some strong and pertinent points while wrapping up the article very nicely.
I did note that throughout the article, you had a tendency to use very long, run-on sentences and I found this quite distracting as I had to go back and re-read a number of paragraphs over before I finally caught what you were trying to say. I felt that if you edited this article to contain a few shorter sentences that made your points more quickly, you would improve flow, reader interest and generally make the article much more crisp and tightly written. Paragraph seven is a good example of what I mean, almost the entire paragraph is one long sentence.
Overall, an enjoyable read with much food for thought for readers.

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