I'm aware that you may have been under space limitations here but I have to say that your story would be much satronger if you show instead of tell the details and let the reader find out as it happens to the characters. This is a good story that could be much better with a careful edit and revision. Good writing, Duke Stone
A strong beginning to a very disturbing and though provoking concept. Our own fraility and smallness in the vastness of nothing. The end almost apeared to be an afterthought, a way of pulling yourself off a course of headlong collision with that vast emptiness and the insanity the human mind might find there. A very inspired effort.
A different take on revenge to be sure, this one was a story that has the right ingriedients but left me feeling not quite full. The ending seems too pat and that intrudes into the suspension of disbelief that the reader has allowed since the story began. A good story that could use some improvements. Good writing... Duke Stone
Another great piece. This story really captures the first addiction of fishing. Being from further south, we never had anything to rival that pike, our main fare being bass but the anticipation of the catch is much the same. A great job making the people and the scene come alive.
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Wow! A great one here. I was drawn into the poem and swept along with it from line to line. I could feel my pulse quicken as we moved along. A great job. There may be some minor problems with it but it will take someone far better at such things than I to spot them. It was a pleasure reading this one.
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This is a nice poem about that grand first touch of love. The flow is there and so is the emotion every line making the reader want to read the next.
As for a new title I would suggest "As One". The concept is really what's at the heart of your poem.
This is a nice story with a lot of potential going for it. The description at the begining leaves the reader a bit lost though. The sentences seem to be a bit chopped and they don't flow quite as smoothly as they could. You have a great piece here but it could be even better with a careful rewrite to put some emotion and reality into it.
. I've been reviewing several pieces and I've got to say your's reached me the strongest. You have a clear vision and use careful word choice to create a flow that carries the reader exactly where you wish for them to go. A great read.
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Normally I'm not much of a fan of "shaped poetry" or any type of poetry that uses gimmicks to help tell the story, feeling that words, carefully chosen should and will carry the burden. However I've got to make an excaption for your poem. The careful wording which made every word count, was what sold it. Too often people use either in complete thoughts or padding in this type poems which leaves it feeling less than complete. The color choice was dead on and I enjoyed it throughly.
The story has potential but it seems disjointed and the reader never really developes a feel for the characters. the mystery was always at the heart of a Holmes story but the little things that drove the character were what made him a timeless classic. There are a few places where your wording seems clipped to the point of being cut off in mid thought. The poison angle seems more than a tad vague and the fears of Dr. Watson are never fully developed so as to add suspense to the tale. This one is a fair Holmnes tale that with careful revision could be made into a great one. If you chose to rewrite let me know and I'll enjoy reading the new version. Good writing ... Duke Stone
I like the character development that you have started here. Kiki and Marcie are just quirky enough to be interesting without becoming too wild to believe. I look forward tothe other chapters so I can see if your plot develops as well as this first installment. Good writing ... Duke Stone
A nicely done mystery that flowed well, though it did seem a bit rushed. I'm not sure of what type of word count restricitons you were under but the story would benefit with a bit of slow down in pace. A red herring or something similar to build the suspense a bit more. A nice story that has even more potential. Good writing ... Duke Stone
The poem is good with even more potential. I liked the theme and the story you're telling however it comes across more as a story, disjointed but a story as opposed to a poem. You should consider revising it to make the flow of the words more lyrical. A lot of this could be acomplished simply by eliminating unneeded words. Another thing that might help is the adjusting of your stanzas to a more uniform length. I hope these thoughts help in some way as this one really has a lot of potential. Good writing ... Duke Stone
This is a very emotive and moving poem. There were some spots that seemed a bit disjointed but there's no denying the emotional impact of the whole. Sometimes, in their struggles adults forget the one who is hurt most by their actions. Good writing, Duke Stone
Hi I'm Duke Stone, a reviewer for {bitem:ID:989394}.This one is a wonderful, tragic, moving story. I was totally enthralled with every minute of it from beginning to end. there's not a thing that I would change about it. A great story, well told. Good writing... Duke Stone
Hello, I'm Duke Stone and I'm a reviewer for {bitem: 989394} This one is a nicely written story with a good build up but it ends too pat. The coincidences were necessary to set up the story but the end could use fleshing out. There was just too much happening off camera for the ending to come across as believable. Good writing ... Duke Stone
I can see where you're going with this one and the first section worls well. It establishes your chracters and tells an opening assignment therefore demonstrating their skills. How ever the second section leaves room for improvement as too many things are happening off camera.Dimitri never effectively communicates to Ivy his intentions or feels, we never see the out come of her date with Raegh, if any, and to be honest it gets a tad confusing from the readers standpoint. The ending scene is well done with a great closer.The plot lines need some attenion however to make the events clearer to the reader. it's alright to confuse a reader as long as it all makes sense at the end but this one left me scratching my head. A good piece that with polish could be better. Duke stone
A very thought provoking and ispiring tale. Unfortunately it seems that most of the mainstream denominations have become more and more enmeshed in what appearances mean to the world around us. My mother is United Methodist and my father is a Southern Baptist preacher so you can imagine the varied background of my childhood. Sometimes you jsut gotta listen with the heart and not the head. Good writing...Duke Stone
A wonderful heartfelt expression. The imagery is good, I especially like the line "The sun is tangled in your hair" though I would suggest droping "is" as it detracts from the flow. The other thing that disrupts the flow is how you have the poem broken up... one stanza of 6 and another of 4. I would suggest either spliting the top one into two and adding a couple of lines to make it 3 stanzas of four or perhaps add the lines to the second stanza, making it 2 of 6.
This one has real potential and can be a great poem with a little polish. Good writing... Duke Stone
I really enjoyed this one. Your narrative style reminded me of Conan Doyle's Holmesian tales which seemed to lend a touch of reality to the fantastic events that unfold. I noticed a few minor errors but they were easily overlooked as I found myself drawn into your story. Good writing... Duke Stone
A great start to a story. The characters are compelling and draw the reader in. You have a great eye for describing a scene though there is no mention of his deserting the army as is revealed in the foreword. His killing of the young brave would be better shown against his leaving the army. His way of winning back his courage perhaps. The scene with his wife and the brave is a tad pat as well. The brave would have killed him first simply to prevent any such occurance. They were instructed from early on in the ways of raiding as it was part of the passage to manhood. A story with great potential that needs developing more.
On a technical note: A horse's reins is spelled without the g. Good writing ... Duke Stone
A well done story. I enjoyed the build up to the fianl twist. Your character's mental state emerging as just bit more off center with every little bit of added information. There were a couple of typos, the most blatent one being, "gotta scrape, because no else is going to do it" you left out one but no worries it happens to me all the time. Your mind just kinda auto fills a lot of times. Good writing ... Duke Stone
A good concept but it needs more depth. You have these characters moving through the motions but it's done too quickly. We skip from the meeting to the fight. The reader is never given an opprotunity to become invested in the characters, care what happens to them. This one has potential but needs some polish. Good writing ... Duke Stone
The story as a whole could use some work. Your strongest point is the characters. You really made them come alive and the reader care what happens to them. You need to research primative life a bit better though as school was a luxury only afforded by the rich until recently. That and the family having a house consisting of several rooms dispersed the image of being merely share croppers on the baron's land. Your story flows well for the most part and with a few things to either alter or explain these conditions will make it a great story. Good writing ... Duke Stone
A thoughtful story that shows the difficulties of being a "good" vampire. I would have liked to have seen more conflict between both the one who turned him and gerald as right now you simply have a "wannabe" superman running around playing dress up and frightening children. He needs to confront the real evil in his life. you have a great concept here and a good character but you really need to deveop him if he's going to be sympathetic to the reader. Good writing ... Duke Stone
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