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1
1
Review of Drifting Home  
Review by Espero
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello;

I am sending you a review of your poem
 Drifting Home  (E)
A poem about finding your way.
#1717775 by Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful!.....Espero

*Check2*Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
In my opinion, this is a sophisticated poem that uses a vessel to portray a person.

*Check2*Rhyme & Meter:
The poem flowed well although I do not believe it to be a rhyming poem.

*Check2*Grammar/Spelling:
I found no errors in grammar or spelling.

*Check2*What I liked most:
What I liked most was that the poem immediately got my attention and I was anxious to read more. My take on the poem may be incorrect but this is what I took from it:
The person was lost and drifting in life just like a vessel without direction at sea.
He/She felt fragile, full of of fear, and drifted aimlessly through life. Then, from somewhere, hope and peace appeared and brought an end to all the suffering.
There was a sense that what was broken had now been repaired.

*Check2*What I liked least:
I liked everything about it, there is no criticism from me.

*Check2*Suggestions:
I hope to see more work from you. I believe you have greatness.

Thank you for sharing your poem!!!!!

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2
2
Review by Espero
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello:
I am sending you a review of your story
 
STATIC
Dead Beat Fathers letter to His Children  (E)
What divorce does to a family.
#2138241 by LegendaryMasK❤
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful.
.......espero.

*Check2*Overall Impression:I'm not quite sure how to take this story. I get the sense that it may be a true story written in the father's last days. If so, I did feel the frustration and pain the writer was going through. It is my job, however, to review the piece without emotion and I did find some of the verbiage a little confusing.

*Check2*Plot:This is a gut wrenching story of a father who reflects on his fatherhood during his last days on earth.

*Check2*Characters:One man's story about his failed relationship with his wife and children.

*Check2*Dialogue:There was no dialogue in the story.

*Check2*Grammar:I found some repetitive sentences and duplicated words. Here are just a few examples:
Like so many times (and again) Like so many others
Each a letter (and again) Missed each one of you
How you were doing (and again) I thought you might be doing
Supported her in her raising you

Some of the sentences started with words like: So

I wasn't sure myself whether or not all of the words in the title should be capitalized.

*Check2*Suggestions:
If this were a true story then I can see how the writer would be in a rambling state of mind, almost in a panic, trying to make sure everything he was feeling would be read by someone after his death. I felt like I was listening to someone go on about his life, rather than reading a story.

The story confused me. The father talked as though he didn't see his children grow up and then talked about all the things they had done together and wondered if they remembered. He said he wasn't allowed to see them but then stated he had always paid child support. I wondered what other reason he wasn't allowed to see them and if that were true why he said they had done all these things together.

On the positive side, I do think the writer was able to portray the feeling of a man with deep regrets and that is not easy to do. It takes courage to put your life out there for others to read. Keep writing!

Thank you for sharing your story!

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3
3
Review of Cat Curiosity  
Review by Espero
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello:
I am sending you a review of your story
 Cat Curiosity  (E)
Contest entry - observation of a cat's curiosity
#1947490 by dobie mom
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful.
.......espero.

*Check2*Overall Impression:
Overall this brief story summed up at lot of familiar information. Mew could have been my cat. You were able to give the reader an vivid impression of the antics of Mew along with a hint of humor.

*Check2*Plot:
The writer gave an accurate portrait of cat behavior.

*Check2*Characters:
Mew might be seen by some as a very unique cat. If you are a cat owner, you will know that she is true to her breed.

*Check2*Grammar:
I found no errors in grammar but did find a couple of sentences that seemed awkward.
1) These few days. (Suggestion: During the next few days)
2) This early hour. (Suggestion: In the early hours of the morning)

*Check2*Suggestions:
I noticed this was a contest which most likely accounts for the shortness of the story. I would like to see the writer expand the story at a later date as it's very entertaining and I think there's a lot more trouble Mew could get into.
I enjoyed the story very much.

Thank you for sharing your story!

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4
4
Review by Espero
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello:
Congratulations on your September Anniversary.
 The greatest witch who ever lived.  (13+)
Going forward, one should sometimes worry about what they leave behind.
#2085716 by Jimminycritic
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful.
.......espero.

*Check2*Overall Impression:I think the imagination and writing are very good. As we all know, Flash Fiction word count limits our ability to tell the full story the way we might choose to do. I think a reviewer needs to take that into account.

*Check2*{Plot:This was about a young virile man who believed in worldly powers. He was accompanied by his girlfriend, Morgana, who didn't believe in such things. The girlfriend was bored as Kevin continued to throw rocks at an old oak tree in the hopes that he could get a response from the tree. He mentions that he is ready to break up with his girlfriend but hasn't done so yet. He hoped that she would take the initiative to break up with him first. As he continued to thump rocks at the tree, he finally felt he was noticing a change in it. Suddenly a hole opens in the tree. The most beautiful woman he has ever seen is inside. Without thinking twice, he enters the tree. All thought of Morgana is gone from his mind. What transpired therein the tree is left to the reader's imagination as there is no more mention of what happened. I believe Kevin never returned from the tree and became trapped inside. Years later Morgana is plotting a payback for Kevin leaving her behind on that day. She wants to be the greatest witch who ever lived. My take of the story was that unknown to Kevin, Morgana had always been a witch and did believe in other worldly things all along. I think that she made the tree open up as a test of Kevin's devotion to her. When Kevin took the bait and never looked back, Morgana realized that he didn't care for her. Now, years later, she is getting her revenge. There was a reference made that she would get Kevin back, dead or alive. This leads one to believe that he is still alive in the other world.

*Check2*Dialogue:There was no dialogue in this story.

*Check2*Grammar:I only saw one thing. Morgana was not capalized toward the end of the story.

*Check2*Suggestions:Good story for the limited word count that you were given. It definitely made the reader think and try to figure out what might have happened after he entered the tree.

Thank you for sharing your story!

New Sig for Rising Stars
5
5
Review by Espero
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello:
I am sending you a review of your story-poem
 The Stuttering Hedgehog of WW Two.  (E)
Children's poem about D Day.
#2131290 by Kevin F Dunn
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful.
.......espero.

*Check2*Overall Impression:OMG. First of all, I was drawn to the story-poem by the clever title. What can I say about this poem? I laughed all the way through it at the one liners you have written. I could have been watching a stand up comedian on stage just spitting out one liners, it was that funny, inventive, and genius. It occurred to me that this would make a great children's book. It would also be a learning tool for children to be introduced to WWII.

*Check2*{Plot:This was about a group of animals in the woodland who decided to band together and help out the war effort. They organized, and fearlessly pushed forward. They were recognized for their effort. Here is just a short list of some of the lines that I thought were genius.
1) are you a but but but butterfly
2) reply: no, I'm a margarine fly. Butter is rationed.
3) Winston the Badger, Prime Minister of the Wood
4) The Woodland Brigade
5) Wing Commander Goss Hawk
6) WAF: Woodland Air Force
7) Bomber Command: 131 dirty old crows
8) This is a great line: War brings together that which peace divides
9) paragophers (seriously, how did you think of this?)
10) skunks with poisonous gas
11) practice swooping and pooping
12) SHS: Special hare service

Anyone who doesn't get to read this is missing out on a great piece. Thank you for allowing me to read it.

*Check2*Characters:Woodland creatures.

*Check2*Dialogue:Flawless.

*Check2*Grammar:I didn't find anything wrong with the grammar or structure of the piece. I didn't know what form of story-poem this would be but it didn't matter to me as I enjoyed the entire thing.

*Check2*Suggestions:I couldn't possibly give you any suggestions but you may want to give some to me. I wish I had half of the ingenity and imagination that you have. This story-poem deserves an award.

Thank you for sharing your story!

New Sig for Rising Stars
6
6
Review of "The cursed lamp"  
Review by Espero
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello:
I am sending you a review of your story
 "The cursed lamp"  (E)
This is the story of Steve and his family who find a cursed lamp."
#2133378 by Nickmeraglio1
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful.
.......espero.

*Check2*Overall Impression:First of all, I'd like to congratulate you for the imagination and creativity you had to write this story. That being said, the story needs work in structure and grammar.

*Check2*{Plot:The story begins with a couple who plan to have a party. They decide they need lamps for the party so off they go to the lamp store. After discovering that most of the lamps are too expensive they are led to the basement where they find a lamp with six skulls on it. They buy the lamp for $50 and take it home. When Deborah wishes that her son Mark wouldn't have to take a test so that he could come to the party, Mark suddenly calls and says his test was cancelled. A skull disappeared from the lamp. The dog was very sick and they wish he would get better. The dog gets better and another skull disappears from the lamp. Rain is predicted on the day of the party. They wish for no rain and the sun comes out. Yet another skull disappears. Now they realize the lamp is granting their wishes. They wish to know what the Chinese writing on the lamp means. The doorbell rings telling them to go to a Chinese psychic. When the psychic sees the lamp she is terrified and tells them a family is trapped inside, to bury the lamp and never think of it again. They go to the graveyard, bury the lamp and head home. When they get home, their son Mark is standing there with the lamp in his hands. Steve grabs the lamp and it drops and shatters releasing six people trapped inside. Steve, Deborah, Mark, and the dog all become trapped in the lamp. The escaped family locks the lamp in the attic and takes on the identity of Steve, Deborah, and Mark.

*Check2*Characters:The family of Steve, Deborah and Mark deal with the cursed lamp. A psychic who tells them about the lamp.

*Check2*Dialogue:The dialogue needs a lot of work.

*Check2*Grammar:There are quite a few things to work on in this story. Here are just some that I picked out.
1) My wife her name is Deborah (probably should be comma after wife)
2) I new (I knew)
3) Yes I like it how much (comma after it)
4) You always want to start a new paragraph when the next person speaks. (Don't worry, I did the same thing myself in writing my novel. I wish I would have had someone point it out to me before I published it.)
5) much more than lamps there were antiques (probably need semicolon or comma after lamps)
6) tv's,coffins, etc. (you need a space after the commas)
7) it was Red and green. (you don't need to capitalize Red unless it's at the beginning of a sentence)
8) $50 deal..... (sentence structure needs a lot of work)
9) your welcome (you're welcome)
There are many more things I could point out but I think you get the idea. Please know that I am not here to criticize. I know that there are a lot of rules in grammar and it takes practice and study to get them all correct.

*Check2*Suggestions:I think the best thing you can do to improve your writing is take a few of the awesome Academy classes. I intend to do this as well. You won't get a better learning experience for the cost. Keep writing, you have the imagination, now all you need is to put it all together. Read your story out loud several times or have someone else read it for you. I think that will help greatly.

Thank you for sharing your story!

New Sig for Rising Stars
7
7
Review of Cursed Child  
Review by Espero
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello:
I am sending you a review of your story
 Cursed Child  (E)
A short as you make it story
#2132937 by randomfoibles
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful.
.......espero.

*Check2*Overall Impression:The story had a lot of elements that keeps a reader interested in a story. Fear, pain, mystery, sorrow. The opening paragraph made the reader want to find out more.

*Check2*{Plot:A village was completely massacred by an unknown force leaving one lone survivor. As he questions why this had happened to his people you can feel his pain and sense of loss. He wanders the country and happens upon another village but even though he is lonely, he is also afraid. Now the writer brings in a mystery. Would they accept him or hurt him? Curiosity overcomes his fear and he ventures closer and closer to the village. He find they are very much like him and his people. The reader experiences his sadness. Watching the people from a distance brings back memories of his own people who are now all gone. We feel excitement. What will happen when he has a close encounter with one of the people, a female. An element of romance in the story as he realizes the female watches him and seems to always keep him in her sight. He kills a rabbit and brings it to her as an offering. Little by little he infiltrates the village and the people seem to accept him there. Disappointment and fear once again visit the reader and this village is also massacred. We think that he will save the girl but in the end, she too is murdered. Now we are left with another mystery. Who is killing the people and why? How does the man survive when no one else can?

*Check2*Characters:The is only one main character; the man who watches villages be destroyed. The writer brings in a village and a girl from the village but they remain in the background.

*Check2*Dialogue:Very little dialogue in the story.

*Check2*Grammar:I only noticed a few things:
got shot down - getting shot down. These two sentences stood out as one followed the other with almost the same phrase 'shot down".
gotten up shared a complimentary 'moron'. (I wondered if there should be a , after up)
case they feel threatened (possibly felt threatened?)

*Check2*Suggestions:This story begs for a continuation. The reader will want to know more about what is going on. The only other suggestion I could offer is always to read your piece out loud several time. I think this is an interesting story to expand on.

Thank you for sharing your story!

New Sig for Rising Stars
8
8
Review of In the City  
Review by Espero
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello;

I am sending you a review of your poem
 
STATIC
In the City  (E)
Alone in the city
#776639 by Joy
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful!.....Espero

*Check2*Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:I really enjoyed this poem even though it was dark and moody. There was so much underlying emotion in the phrases and it made the reader stop and think about what I believed was the hidden message. I am not an expert on the various styles of poetry so I'm not sure if this is considered free verse or a different style. That being said, I felt that it flowed well and had a poetic feel to it.

If I interpreted it correctly, I think the writer was describing the feelings of a young clerk in a store who may be having a hard time adjusting to life in a city. An unfeeling city of metal and cement with lonely people crowding the streets; all going about their business, unconcerned with the lives of others. Stores who manipulate people to buy things that may not live up to the advertising. As she works, she dreams of her mother. I think she misses home. Thinking about being in a city, I can relate to the sentiments in this poem. It seems like everyone is busy with their own life and detached from what others are doing. So much hustle and bustle, so much activity, not much love and compassion.

*Check2*Rhyme & Meter:This was not really a rhyming poem but again, it flowed well to me as a reader.

*Check2*Grammar/Spelling:There were no errors that I could find in the piece.

*Check2*What I liked most: I liked that the writer waited until the last stanza to reveal the character.

*Check2*What I liked least:There was nothing about it that I liked least, it all was well written and had something powerful to say.

*Check2*Suggestions:I believe that you have a poetic soul and should do well as a poet. Likewise, I like reading stories that also have an emotional and poetic feeling to them. You are well on your way!

Thank you for sharing your poem!!!!!

New Sig for Rising Stars
9
9
Review by Espero
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello:
I am sending you a review of your story
 The Blizzard of 2056  (ASR)
The wind moaned scratching at the window pane
#1914346 by Prosperous Snow Thankful
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful.
.......espero.

*Check2*Overall Impression:The story got off to a great start getting this reader's attention right from the first sentence. I thought the metaphor of the wind moaning like a demented cat was spot on. The writer brought in a hint of mystery when she alluded to the wind being an arrow. There was compassion in the story for the aunt who still thought that her long gone husband would be coming home.

*Check2*{Plot:There were so many great elements to this story and I was looking forward to finding out where the story would take me. I'm afraid that I didn't understand or missed the plot of the story. I'm wondering if compassion made Noel help Cleo leave this life and join the husband she had been waiting for so many years but I was unsure if that is what the writer meant to infer.

*Check2*Characters:There were only two characters, Noel and Cleo.

*Check2*Dialogue:The dialogue between the two women seemed authentic and unforced. I did feel the sympathy Noel felt for the elderly woman. The writer was able to show strength in Cleo when she insisted the window remain open even if she had to do it herself.

*Check2*Grammar:I noticed a few things.
1) she sit up (she sat up)
2) pulled (pull)
3) i t shut (it shut)

*Check2*Suggestions:I think the feeling of the actors in the story is definitely there. You can tell the writer has a way of reaching their audience and keeping them interested in the story. For me, I wanted more of the story. I wanted to hear the husband's story, what actually happened to him. Did Cleo believe her husband was going to reappear through the window or was she just senile. Was Noel trying to kill her at the end, this part left me wondering what would come next.

Thank you for sharing your story!

New Sig for Rising Stars
10
10
Review by Espero
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello:
I am sending you a review of your story
 The Love of a Mother  (13+)
Cocker golden ears flying, to resume her frantic concern
#1959236 by iguanamountain
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful.
.......espero.

*Check2*Overall Impression:Any story about a man and his dog is a heart wrenching one and this one did not disappoint in that regard. It felt very believable to me and one that I could relate to in a personal way. I always love the interaction between animals and people. It makes me feel that the writer is truly a kind and loving person.

*Check2*{Plot:If I understood the story correctly, the man lived with his dog in the city but yearned for a quieter place, possibly the mountains. Something was bothering the dog and he was making quite a racket, disrupting the man's need for peace and quiet. The dog would not be satisfied until the man got up and went into the kitchen with him to see what all the fuss was about. This is where the writer so cleverly wove "The Love of a Mother" into his story. On the kitchen counter was an uneaten spoiled bowl of porridge that was lovingly made for the man by his mother. The man hated porridge but the dog was determined to have it. After disposing of the insects who had invaded the dish, the dog had his way. In some respects, the man appeased his loving mother because the porridge did get eaten after all.The last line of the story summed it all up very well.

*Check2*Characters:A man and his dog.

*Check2*Dialogue:Little dialogue existed, what there was seemed genuine and authentic.

*Check2*Grammar:I found nothing wrong with the grammar.

*Check2*Suggestions:The only part of the story that confused me was the first line. I had to read it several times to figure out what the writer was trying to say. This is not to say that it was incorrect, it just made me ponder for a bit.

Thank you for sharing your story!

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11
11
Review of Liara  
Review by Espero
Rated: E | (5.0)
I read your poem. I liked it very much. It had a haunting feeling to it.
12
12
Review of Doggie Time  
Review by Espero
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello:
I am sending you a review of your story
 
STATIC
Doggie Time  (ASR)
A few hours into the life of my dog
#2086327 by WakeUpAndLive‍‍~skeletons
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful.
.......espero.

*Check2*Overall Impression:
The story made me smile because you were clearly in love with this dog.

*Check2*{Plot:
This was about the care that was given to a dog after tooth surgery. I loved how you bought him special chicken for a few days after surgery. This is a lucky dog.

*Check2*Characters:
A dog and it's owner.

*Check2*Dialogue:
No dialogue.
*Check2*Grammar:
I found nothing wrong with spelling or grammar.

*Check2*Suggestions:
Keep writing with feeling and heart and your readers will smile like I did in reading this.

Thank you for sharing your story!

*Stary*A Rising Star's M2M Review*Stary*
Created by Of_fire_born for Rising Stars' Reviewers
13
13
Review by Espero
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello;

As part of the Rising Star's Program, I am sending you a review of your poem
STATIC
The Lady and the Dolphins Three  (E)
A Quatern Poem
#2060343 by Lostwordsmith
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful!.....Espero

*Check2*Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
I thought this was a cute little ballad and vividly projected life in the sea.

*Check2*Rhyme & Meter:
Good rhyme and meter

*Check2*Grammar/Spelling:
I could not find any errors

*Check2*What I liked most:
I like the overall concept of the poem and you depicted it so well that you could almost picture them in the sea. I liked the line 'in the wonderous waltz of the sea'.

*Check2*What I liked least:
I liked everything.

*Check2*Suggestions:
Only one thing I noticed. 'A command performance just for me' seems to have one more syllable than the rest of the lines.
Thank you for sharing your poem!!!!!

*Stary*A Rising Star's M2M Review*Stary*
Created by Of_fire_born for Rising Stars' Reviewers
14
14
Review of Secret Cave Swim  
Review by Espero
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello:
I am sending you a review of your story as part of the Rising Stars reviews.
 Secret Cave Swim  (ASR)
"The crystal waters beckoned her, calling to her thirst, promising refreshment..."
#2090417 by Schnujo is NaNo-ing
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful.
.......espero.

*Check2*Overall Impression:
Your story hooked the reader from the first sentence. Your words were colorful and descriptive. I could feel myself there in the water just as you described it, cool and retreshing. I felt the danger that lurked around.

*Check2*{Plot:
A being ventures for a refeshing dip in cool water, wary of something ready to attack.

*Check2*Characters:
Only the one main character in this story. Hints of other creatures nearby.

*Check2*What I liked most:
I loved this description:
white circles of light and small streams of water flowing through
Many other sentences in this piece echoed the same; very descriptive, with feeling.

*Check2*Grammar:
I found only one thing.
***seems to be absorbed insider her cracked (I wondered if you meant to say inside her cracked?)

*Check2*Suggestions:
The story begs for more. What was this creature. What were the creatures it was afraid of? Was this another world? I'd like to see more of the story if you ever write it or have already.

Thank you for sharing your story!

*Stary*A Rising Star's M2M Review*Stary*
Created by Of_fire_born for Rising Stars' Reviewers
15
15
Review of Loneliness  
Review by Espero
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello:
I am sending you a review of your story
 Loneliness  (E)
My thoughts and feelings.
#2115012 by Just Me
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful.
.......espero.

*Check2*Overall Impression:
I liked this piece. This was a story that made one wonder how they felt about loneliness vs. being alone. The writer brought up a lot of different aspects of feeling lonely. I always thought that a person can feel more lonely in a crowd full of people than they can sitting alone at home with a good book.

*Check2*{Plot:
There wasn't really a plot to this story. I believe it was more of a study on the subject of loneliness.

*Check2*What I liked best:
I liked these two sentences the best:
Being alone and feeling loneliness are two different things.
Loneliness will be my guest.

*Check2*Grammar:
I found no errors.

*Check2*Suggestions:
You brought up a very interesting subject that I found intriguing. I wondered if you will be more of a psychological writer or will also write fiction and poetry. Whatever you will be writing, I am sure the reader will enjoy it.

Thank you for sharing your story!

*Stary*A Rising Star's M2M Review*Stary*
Created by Of_fire_born for Rising Stars' Reviewers
16
16
Review by Espero
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello:
I am sending you a review of your story
 
STATIC
The Story of The Motionless Tree  (E)
What if trees try to communicate?
#2115221 by Thomas L. Phillips
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful.
.......espero.

*Check2*Overall Impression:
I picked this story because the title drew me in. The story had construction problems but the underlying message of the story and the thoughts within were very imaginative and beautiful.

*Check2*{Plot:
The story centered around a lonely tree who wanted to communicate but was unable to do so. The tree ended up alone in the forest until a man and his child came to sit beside it every day while playing guitar. The tree was so happy to once again have company that it flourished. In the end, the tree became historic and well known throughout the area.

*Check2*Characters:
No characters except the tree.

*Check2*Dialogue:
No dialogue.

*Check2*Grammar:
The sentences seemed to run together and start over without an ending thought. There were a few other errors that I will point out below.
***were some animals (where some animals)
***strong deepened into the ground. (this was referring the the strong roots of the tree. I'm not sure if deepened is a correct word)
***to look like if it was about to die (to look like it was about to die)
***in a comma (in a coma)

*Check2*Suggestions:
You have a great idea for a story here. Work on your sentence structure and spelling. Use a spell checker to help you. Read your story out loud, it sometimes helps. I liked the over all idea and the ending was well thought out.

Thank you for sharing your story!

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17
17
Review of Little Love Story  
Review by Espero
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hello:
I am sending you a review of your story
 Little Love Story  (13+)
Hey guys, just want to get a little feedback on this, and I hope you enjoy it! Thanks!
#2116779 by Addison Swaab
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful.
.......espero.

*Check2*Overall Impression:
There was a basis for a good story here but in my opinion it fell short due to grammar and structure errors.

*Check2*{Plot:
A young girl and boy go to the movies. He proposes and she tells him she is pregnant. A sub-story is the emotional childhood the girl went through.

*Check2*Characters:
The man characters were a young boy and girl. There were theater personnel, a best friend, and a dog.

*Check2*Dialogue:
The dialogue was not written correctly, it ran together in one paragraph.

*Check2*Grammar:
There were a lot of grammar and structure errors. Here are a few.
***hid behind her hair blushing (his behind her hair, blushing)
***signed Pepsi (sighed Pepsi)
***shook his head (repeated twice in a row)
***he stood up and helped her up (rather than use the word up twice you could try something like this - he stood up and helped her to stand)
***lifted he up (lifted her up)
***one the ground (on the ground)
***and little old shed (a little old shed)
***talk oak tree (tall oak tree)
***Flashback/Reality. (instead of showing flashback and reality, you entered the words flashback and reality. There are many ways you could show this, here is an example:
Her mind drifted back into her childhood.
and then
She blinked, realizing that she had been lost in thought.
***fincaway (finance)
***When they arrived at her best friend's house you told the reader her name was Jesi. Thereafter, you kept referring to her a her best friend. The reader already knows it is her best friend, it would be more personal if you used her name.

*Check2*Suggestions:
Please don't be discouraged by the review, it is only my opinion and I am not an expert. Many of the mistakes you made were ones that I also made and still do. Writing is a learning experience and you are in the correct place to receive a lot of help and encouragement. Don't be afraid to use a spell checker and think about signing up for some of the great classes offered by New Horizons.

Thank you for sharing your story!

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18
18
Review of Come Back Mommy  
Review by Espero
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello:
I am sending you a review of your story
 Come Back Mommy  (ASR)
A six-year-old girl finds herself alone in a house that's making strange noises.
#2115038 by Jaylin
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful.
.......espero.

*Check2*Overall Impression:
This was a very well constructed story. I was captured from the first sentence until the very end.

*Check2*{Plot:
A little girl seemed to be alone in a house frightened by a loud noise in the wall.

*Check2*Characters:
The majority of the story was only the little girl and what she was experiencing. Her parents appeared at the very end.

*Check2*Dialogue:
I thought the dialogue was very good.

*Check2*Grammar:
I could find no grammar errors.

*Check2*Suggestions:
I have no suggestions on this story. You were able to hook the reader from the beginning and surprise the reader at the end. I could not guess why she was experiencing this terror.

Thank you for sharing your story!

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19
19
Review of The Train Wreck  
Review by Espero
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello:
I am sending you a review of your story
 The Train Wreck  (13+)
It's my first story...wish me luck.
#2116250 by unknown
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful.
.......espero.

*Check2*Overall Impression:
I picked this story to review because the title, The Train Wreck, caught my eye.
After reading the story, I am confused how a train wreck fits into the story. I felt the story needed more of a plot, the ending left you feeling that it wasn't complete.

*Check2*{Plot:
I was unsure what the intended plot of the story was. My best guess is that the young man got his wish, the girlfriend that he had been wishing for.

*Check2*Characters:
The characters could have used more description to give the reader a better image of who they were.

*Check2*Dialogue:
The writer made the same mistake I did with my novel. When there is a conversation between two people, always start a new paragraph when the next person speaks.

*Check2*Grammar:
I could not find any grammar errors with the exception of the dialogue format.
I did want to point out the repetition of using the same word twice in a sentence. ie: Are there any students who wants to request who they want to be paired up with. (suggestion: Do any students wish to pair up with a particular person?)
Another instance was the use of "your jaw drop" in two paragraphs, one following the other.
*Check2*Suggestions:
Make sure your title doesn't disappoint the reader. Work on your dialogue and the plot of your story. Never give up your desire to be a writer. Each story you write and each review you receive will give you more experience. Writing is a growing and learning skill.

Thank you for sharing your story!

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20
20
Review of The Storm  
Review by Espero
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello;

I am sending you a review of your poem
 The Storm  (E)
Like a phoenix rising from the ashes is a woman that finds the strength to love again.
#2115788 by Jean R. R. Branson
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful!.....Espero

*Check2*Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
This was a dark, emotional poem. If my understanding of the poem is correct, I felt like it was a love gone wrong and trying to come out of the darkness that the relationship created and find yourself again.

*Check2*Rhyme & Meter:
There was an uneven syllable count in the poem. It was a form that I am not familiar with.
That being said, I thought the poem flowed fairly well. There were 2 lines that I stumbled with:
I love this song....For it's where my heart is bound
While I hope and pray the brutal game is done

*Check2*Grammar/Spelling:
I could find no errors

*Check2*What I liked most:
There were some very thought provoking and beautiful lines in the poem.
My favorite line was: The rain preaches to me a silent song

*Check2*What I liked least:
There were no lines I disliked. Each line, in itself, had something pertinent to say.

*Check2*Suggestions:
Only recently have I learned about different forms of poems and syllable count. I find it very interesting and helpful in my poetry. Check out Poet's Place, they have a lot of information and good advice. You already have the emotion to touch people.

Thank you for sharing your poem!!!!!

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21
21
Review of The Comedian  
Review by Espero
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hello:
I am sending you a review of your story
 The Comedian  (E)
stand up comic
#2115371 by idiot
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful.
.......espero.

*Check2*Overall Impression:
I was expecting to read a story about a comedian. I'm not sure that I would classify this as a story. Truthfully, I don't know what to make of it. It seemed to be a series of comedic lines that the comedian was performing in various cities around the country. I didn't get the humor in most of the lines. Further, the story was riddled with errors. If it was the writer's intention to purposefully include errors in the piece as part of the humor the comedian was portraying, then I apologize. I found the entire piece very unusual.

*Check2*{Plot:
I did not detect a plot in the piece.

*Check2*Dialogue:
I can't really describe this as a dialogue. Apparently, the comedian was giving lines of humor to the audience and they responded by clapping and making various other sounds.

*Check2*Grammar:
The grammar and spelling need a lot of work. Below are some of the errors I detected.
*Checkr*Old lady came up to me and ask me (asked me)
*Checkr*peaked in a (peeked)
*Checkr*and then,, (,)
*Checkr*after wards (afterwards}
*Checkr*With Blood (With blood)
*Checkr*get are (get our)
*Checkr*some vagrant ask me (asks me)
*Checkr*Los Vegas (Las Vegas}
*Checkr*their having a terrible time (they're)
*Checkr*Puertorican (Puerto Rico)
*Checkr*Your not laughing (you're)
*Checkr*Massachusettes (Massachusetts)
*Checkr*mirical (miracle)
*Checkr*thinks done (things done)(rest of sentence makes no sense)
*Checkr*perdict (predict)
*Checkr*we use to play (we used to play)
*Checkr*deliberality (deliberately) (I had to look that one up myself)
*Checkr*Vagas (Vegas)
*Checkr*Wayno (way no)
*Checkr*meant,is (meant, is)
*Checkr*bieng (being)
*Checkr*walking,and (walking, and)
*Checkr*no how to swim (know how to swim)
*Checkr*are vacation (our vacation)
*Checkr*intelligtents (intelligence)
*Checkr*their going to be (they're going to be)

*Check2*Suggestions:
I applaud you for coming up with an idea and having the courage to write and share it with others. If you have the desire to write, then you are halfway there. Don't be discouraged and don't be afraid to use a spell checker, I think it will clear up a lot of the above errors for you. Further, New Horizons has a lot of great courses that you might consider. Good luck, I hope to see another of your stories out there.

Thank you for sharing your story!

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22
22
Review of Love's Ways  
Review by Espero
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello;

I am sending you a review of your poem as part of the Rising Stars Member to Member Reviews.
 
STATIC
Love's Ways  (E)
A young couple's difficulties overcoming different dreams in life
#2099926 by Angel
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful!.....Espero

*Check2*Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
Emotional poem that reveals a struggle between two people and what they expect from life. She has dreams of fame and feels that he is holding her back. He tries to hold her back because he fears what fame may do to her. They stay together because they have a deep passion for each other. You question how long it will last.

*Check2*Rhyme & Meter:
The poem flowed well as I read it. I felt it was more of a prose poem rather than a rhyming poem.

*Check2*Grammar/Spelling:
I didn't find anything wrong with grammar or spelling.

*Check2*Suggestions:
You are able to write a piece that encompasses two different viewpoints and meld them together in an intricate story poem. That takes talent.

Thank you for sharing your poem!!!!!

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23
23
Review of Coffee Shop  
Review by Espero
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello:
I am sending you a review of your story as part of the Rising Stars Member to Member Reviews.
 Coffee Shop  (E)
A world within a world
#2045030 by Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful.
.......espero.

*Check2*Overall Impression:
You have a very descriptive way of writing that leads the reader to imagine what the character is thinking; almost as if the reader were watching a picture show.

*Check2*{Plot:
The girl in the coffee shop was waiting or looking for something from the outer world. What is was, we are left to guess but it seems she was able to transport her mind to that world and then back again to the present.

*Check2*Characters:
The girl in the coffee shop was the only character for most of the story until someone interrupts her dreamlike state near the end.

*Check2*Dialogue:
There was little dialogue. What existed was good.

*Check2*Grammar:
I found nothing wrong.

*Check2*Suggestions:
You are a great story teller. I was left wishing that there were more to the story and wondering what she was waiting or looking for.

Thank you for sharing your story!

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24
24
Review by Espero
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello:
I am sending you a review of your story
 The Sword and the Soul.  (13+)
Evil attempts to manipulate nations into war. Can the lost be found?
#1076689 by Dakink
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful.
.......espero.

*Check2*Overall Impression:
Although I didn't quite understand the story, I thought the writing was excellent. I am guessing that this may only be a chapter to a novel? If not, I wish it were.

*Check2*{Plot:
Again, I was a little unsure what the person was up to in the story but I liked the writing and the idea of the person manipulating the chess set pieces.

*Check2*Characters:
A man and a chess set.

*Check2*Dialogue:
There was no dialogue between persons.

*Check2*Grammar:
I could find no errors.

*Check2*Suggestions:
You write like a pro. I'm sure you will go far with your writing.

Thank you for sharing your story!

A new Anniversary Review signature to use, courtesy of  [Link To User legerdemain]
25
25
Review by Espero
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello:
I am sending you a review of your story
 The Hall of Mirrors  (E)
Mandy was forced to go through the Hall of Mirrors to face herself.
#1701710 by Elycia Lee ☮
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful.
.......espero.

*Check2*Overall Impression:
This was an interesting story. The beginning paragraph sucked the reader in right away. I liked the idea of a person finding out about themself by going through a series of mirrors.

*Check2*{Plot:
A walk through a Hall of Mirrors makes a girl face her own demons.

*Check2*Characters:
Only one character for most of the story; the girl being analyzed by a Hall of Mirrors. There was an illusion of shadowy figures pushing her into the Hall.

*Check2*Dialogue:
The dialogue in the story was the girl speaking to the mirrors. It was portrayed nicely. The girl had an attitude.

*Check2*Grammar:
I found a few little items:
*Checkr*too many a time (too many times)
*Checkr*for a person who despise (despises)
*Checkr*weeping has hardened (weeping hardened)
*Checkr*do not know how (did not know how)

*Check2*Suggestions:
Great idea, good imagination; both should take you a long way in writing.

Thank you for sharing your story!

A new Anniversary Review signature to use, courtesy of  [Link To User legerdemain]
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