\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/harryg/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/8
Review Requests: OFF
1,432 Public Reviews Given
1,595 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 4 5 6 7 -8- 9 10 11 12 13 ... Next
176
176
Review of Wiener Factory  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Michael Lee ~

This was an entertaining read, showing a lot of imagination. It will be a bit gruesome for some readers.

I have a few suggestions for you to consider:

arms pumping, face re[a]d, shoving aside

staff had undergone[,] or the grunts that left

Answer me(,) God damn you!”

put on weight[,] and resolved to take

hook through his pelvis[,] and again when they

traded looks[,] and made low grunting noises

Cheers!

Harry
177
177
Review of Nature's Voices  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, arakun ~

You have captured numerous of the sounds of nature in your poem. I enjoyed the content of your poem.

My suggestions have to do with proper punctuation and not capitalizing the first word of each line:

The wind whispers his secrets(,)
[A](a)nd aspens tremble

The brook babbles(,) "Goodbye! Good luck!"
[A](a)s young

[I](i)n the pine tree concert hall[.](,)
[A](a)nd the mountains sit in silence
[L](l)ooking

Cheers!

Harry
178
178
Review of Out of Time  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, SoCalScribe ~

This reads well and is well-written. It is taunt and conveys a sense of dread and doom. However, I was left wondering what sort of experiment would lead to oblivion and what radiation would lead to radiation poisoning so quickly. There seem to be a few loose ends to me.

I also had a few comma suggestions:

Her skin was sallow(,) and her hair was beginning to fall out.

She was nearing the end[,] but struggled to speak.

no clock in the room(,) and they had since lost

Cheers!

Harry
179
179
Review of Blue Bird  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Sophy ~

You did an excellent job meeting the contest prompt. I enjoyed reading a poem written from the bird's eye view.

My only suggestion for you to consider is that you have omitted some commas:

She usually catches sight of me
through her kitchen window(,)
and each time she spots me
she squeals with pleasure(,)
claps her hands(,)
and points to anyone nearby -

And on that sunny afternoon
just before he breathed his last(,)
I hopped on the fence

She herself didn't see me(,)
but she knew I was there -

Cheers!

Harry
180
180
Review of Emily's Room  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Ken ~

This was a delightful read, full of whimsy. I enjoyed it.

I did find a few items for you to consider:

In the summary: Emily discovers that dragons and Mom's are a lot alike. >>>> Mom's here is the possessive form. Mom's what? You probably mean 'moms'.

She worried her way into the center >>>> worried? Maybe wiggled or wormed would be better. Worried usually implies destroying something, such as the dog worried the bone. If she worried her way every time, she'd be beating the bushes to pieces.

Stretching out, she watched the clouds drift overhead, >>>> If lying down in the center of overgrown bushes, wouldn't one expect her vision of the sky to be blocked by the bushes overhead?

That one looks like a castle(,) and there's a range of mountains, filled

lifted into the new found world above. >>>> newfound world

What ever it was, >>>> Whatever it was

"Hi(,) Emily," it said.

Cheers!

Harry
181
181
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Daizy ~

This is a straightforward statement of how music touches your soul and makes you feel connected to your Celtic past. Nicely written!

My only suggestions:

eardrum(-)splitting stuff,

Thank you(,) God(,) for music!!!! OR Thank God for music!!

Cheers!
182
182
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Kraken ~

I agree with most of what you have to say about the ratings used on site. Your scale equating the stars given to a A+ through F letter grade makes a lot of sense. Likewise, your discussion of 5 being only for "perfect" meaning some reviewers won't give a 5 ever, your discussion of the rate-and-run "hate rates", and the meaning of averages and what they mean are all well worth reading. This is a discussion I believe all reviewers would benefit by reading and digesting.

Cheers!

Harry
183
183
Review of My Love...  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Crimson Goth ~

Overall, this is a nicely written romantic poem. Its content is good.

I have a few suggestions for you to consider:

Instead of starting all lines with a capitalized word, why not only capitalize the start of new sentences?
You are the star in the morning
and the moon in the evening.
I am your earth that is revolving
around you until I am the diamond
that is surrounding you with my hold.

Instead of one large block of text, why not divide this up into several stanzas? That would make it easier to digest.

The waterfall that you create
With your green emerald eyes >>>> 'green emerald' sounds odd. Redundant? or emerald green eyes?
[Are](is) swept away with just one touch. >>> The waterfall is

so you know I will forever be with you.
Here we are forever in paradise- >>>>> Avoid two 'forever's so close together.
paradise that cannot be broken(,)
for our love's embrace keeps us strong.

Cheers!

Harry
184
184
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | N/A (Unratable.)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Jedi Moose ~

Nicely written poem! You set the scene extremely well, capturing the moment for all to see.
I enjoyed the read.

I have only one small suggestion for you to consider. The last stanza did not read as well as the others to me. Maybe add the word "with" ?

With no space for more,
Sitting there, on that bench,
They must be lovers.

Cheers!

Harry
185
185
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, ShiShad ~

The content here is good. The problem I had with this is that you open with a compound sentence but then use sentence fragments with improper punctuation. Why not maintain using complete, correct sentence structure throughout?

Here are my suggestions for you to consider:

Now:
Blinded by passion
fueling embers[;]
that smoldered forever it seems. You change verb tense here: smoldered / seems

Redo:
We were blinded by
passion fueling embers
that smoldered forever it seemed.

Now:
Tasting our sweetness. Periods are inappropriate after short fragments.
Catching our breath.
Chasing our wildest dream.

Letting it carry us
far over the rainbow;
never bringing us back again. >>> These six lines are not a sentence, just fragments.

Redo:
Tasting our sweetness,
catching our breath,
chasing our wildest dream,
we let it carry us
far over the rainbow,
never bringing us back again.

Now:
Miles from where
we started out;
found us
set in our
own ways,
and knowing now...

there's no turning back.

Redo:
Miles from where
we started out,
we found ourselves
set in our own ways
and knowing now...

there's no turning back.

With a bit of reworking, this would be an excellent piece.

Cheers!

Harry
186
186
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Leger ~

This was an amusing piece about an exchange between two members of a stage act. (I'm trying not to give too much away here.) I enjoyed reading it.

I have a few suggestions for you to consider:

Since this is dialog, why did you not use quotation marks?

Are you kidding?[?? ]

Look(,) Buddy, you're just >>>>Set off with commas before & after. Is Buddy his name? If not but just used like friend or pal, then it would not be capitalized.

I'm the funny one[,](;) I'm the one that makes >>>> Needs either period or semicolon rather than a comma here.

I sure can make them laugh, can't I[...](?)

I told you, it's not you(,) Buddy[,](;) it's me.

Okay(,) Buddy, you're

Cheers!

Harry
187
187
Review of The Dam Town  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Poppy ~

This short story is amusing with its play on dam/damn. However, I do have these suggestions for your consideration:

One fell into the river(,) and the other ran along

By the time the dam was completed(,) a little community had sprung up

The only problem was[, ] the founding fathers couldn’t agree

Well, the townsfolk and people in the surrounding area just started calling it the “Dam Town[.]”(,) [M](m)ost likely because the town was built around the dam.

naming the town as, “The Dam Town.” >>>>> Was its name "The Dam Town" or should it be just "Dam Town"?
and visit the Dam Town to refuel. >>>> visit The Dam Town to refuel.

There I sat in the Dam Town eating at the Dam Café. >>>> The cafe could be named just Dam Cafe, but it would be: There I sat in The Dam Town eating at...
Likewise, over by the Dam Police. next to the Dam Post Office was the Dam Court House. These all should be The Dam Town police, The Dam Town Post office, etc. For this wording to be correct as written, you'd need the town to be named simply "Dam". (A slight problem for the piece as presently named.)

running a little low on gas(,) so I decided

I drove past main street(,) and next to the Dam Post Office was
>>>>> Was it named Main Street, or was it simply the main street in town?' Main Street' OR 'the main street' is needed here.

asked for the [J](j)udge. I was then ushered into a small courtroom where the [J](j)udge was seated. He asked me for my citation(,) and I politely handed it [over] to him.

He then look[s](ed) at me

"What, your Honor I haven‘t even been given >>>>> What? Your honor, I haven't OR But, your honor,....

The Judge looks at me with this silly grin >>>> The judge looked

paid the judge

I mumbled, “damn Judge.” >>>> "Damn judge."

brother-in-law of the damn [J](j)udge.

Yours Truly >>>> Yours truly,

With some reworking, this piece could be much improved grammatically.

Cheers!

Harry
188
188
Review of The Fish Tale  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Daizy ~

You managed to tell a complete tale in 55 words. Nicely done.

My only suggestions is: "Aw(,) Mom!

Cheers!

Harry
189
189
Review of Jake and Bagheera  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Diane ~

The story was interesting and enjoyable to read. However, this piece is rife with grammatical errors. My suggestions for your consideration follow:

"Here's the list." [s](S)he placed it in a carrier

to her house with the week(')s groceries(,) but Sheila hated to impose.

"Hello(,) Sheila, my name is Mark(,) and this is Jake."

"I see you brought a friend[.](,)" Mark said.

take Jake home with us[.](,)" Sheila responded.

Jake is very calm(,) and we have cats on the farm(,) so he's used to their ways(,)[.]" Mark said.

>>>>> The correct format for a quotation is xxxxx," he said. NOT xxxx." he said. Comma before quotation marks when he/she said is used. You need to make this correction throughout this story. I did not point out them all.<<<

"I guess we have to(,) but I don't want Bagheera to feel cornered(,)[.]"

Sheila said. Meghan sighed, glad her mother would have some assistance at home. She treasured her independence >>>>> 'She'/'her' here could be confusing as to whom it was referring.

There were small disputes(,) but Jake respected the boundaries Bagheera set(,) and they lived in harmony.

She worried the entire time that he would run away(,) so she cut their outing short.

tried to block his exit(,) but he was determined

He could take out the trash[,](and) fetch the mail[,] and the paper.

It went off without a hitch (and) became part of their Monday afternoon routine.

While he gathered the groceries(,) they walked up and down the aisles. Jake spotted the doggy treats(,) but they were too high

"They're not on the list(,) but I don't think Sheila would mind(,)[.]" he laughed

Cheers!

Harry
190
190
Review of The pain within  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Jaya ~

This poem describes pain well. Yet it never identifies what is the source of such pain. This leaves the reader with the feeling that the poem is incomplete.

I have these suggestions for your consideration:

None knows of it but me[.]( -- )
[T](t)he preten(s)[c]e, the deceit,
[T](t)he practiced, Iago-like smile,
[T](t)he hurt, the pain cutting through.

This imposition[,](is) not of my doing.
Yet I suffer[,](;) I cry within endlessly.
All I do, for there’s nothing else besides >>>> 'All I do' is awkward and confusing.
to wait for the light at the end of the tunnel. >>>> A cliche. These last two lines need reworking.

Cheers!

Harry
191
191
Review of Solitude  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Jaye ~

This is written extremely well. It captures the feelings of a mother whose children are spending the summer away from her perfectly. Nice job!

I have only these few suggestions for your consideration:

A new routine was established(,) and the weeks slipped past

The Day arrived(,) and she mentally checked off

“Hi, [B](b)rats,” she said,

Cheers!

Harry
192
192
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Web-Witch ~

This is am amusing poem. I enjoyed its playful nature.

One suggestion would be to add correct punctuation throughout:

Be still my heart, or still you'll be(.)

[T](t)o release me from my coffin, now
[T](t)his tool of my distraction(.)

my obvious interment(.)
However, when I pulled this string(,)
[I](i)t failed--to my disturb-ment!

[T](t)he item you've created(,)

Oh(,) woe is me[,](;) I'm trapped, but good(.)
Your contraption isn't worth none(.) >>>>> isn't worth none??
There is one thing to tell you now(,)
[I](i)t's time to invent a new one!

Also, you now have two lines that do not begin with a capital letter. I'd extend that to all lines not starting a new sentence.

This is a fun write that could be improved with a little reworking.

Cheers!

Harry
193
193
Review of The Pirate's Love  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Sena ~

The main problem with this poem is the format itself. Try this:

Out on the shore he looked away,
drawn by the ocean(')s crashing waves(.) [;]
[o](O)ut on the shore her heart [it] broke,
as she watched him stop to smoke.

They knew that ties of love would sever,
that he would go away forever[;](,)
ne’er to return to this shore,
ne’er to see her, his love, anymore.

And so the sloop the pirate boarded,
where all his treasure he had hoarded(.)[; a]
(A)way he sailed to far new lands,
to take from others with his hands.

Though he seemed so heartless and cruel,
even he had loved a girl(.)[; and]
[o} (O)n a shore so far away,
they hanged the pirate there today.

She heard the news(;)[,] her heart it wept(;)[,]
and so she plunged into the depth[;](.)
[h] (H)er body found broken and maimed,
death the choice she had claimed.

Formatted into 4-lined stanzas makes this look more like a poem.

Cheers!

Harry
194
194
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Kiya ~

This is a nice birthday poem dedicated to you. It is a bit strange to review this since you are not the author.

Nevertheless, I'll point out suggestions for improving the poem.

so tall and bright[.](,)
[A](a) beacon of hope, love,

You have a great smile[,](.)
[y](Y)our icon says so,
and(,) whenever we see it,

We all love you(,) Kiya,

You know you're family[,]
and that we all love you.

It is nice that you have friends that like you enough to write poems for your birthday. *Smile*

Cheers!

Harry
195
195
Review of Itzpapalotl  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, SoCal ~

This is well written. It draws the reader in and leaves him/her wanting to know what happens. Good job!

I have only a few suggestions for you to consider:

than eight inches tall[,] and yet was carved >>>> delete comma

Itzpapalotl was remarkable[;](--) a shapely(,) naked woman with clawed hands and bat-like wings, patches of skin worn away, revealing her skeleton underneath. Every physical detail had been immortalized, lending an[d] eerie, otherworldly beauty

He paid no mind to the cold[,] or the thunder and lighting overhead as he approached his neighbors’ house,
retrieved the key from under his neighbor’s front mat
>>>>> Be consistent. neighbors' vs neighbor's

Cheers!

Harry
196
196
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, celticroy ~

I liked the content here. It was full of action and imagery.

Here are my suggestions for your consideration:

every cannon to a tee. >>>> Meaning is unclear to me.
Wave crests backs were broken >>>> wave crests' backs
from the weight of iron free. >>>> ..the weight of iron free? What does this mean?

The French two-decker shuddered(,)

the gun crews captains drilled.>>> gun crew's captain or crews' captain or crews' captains ??
"It's an extra tot for the first gun out[,](;)
we'll drink to [f](F)rench blood spilled."

The Frigate swept passed the [f](F)renchie,

For the Frenchmen(')s deck [it] was [h](H)ell on earth,
littered with the dead[.](,)
And for those with eyes to witness,
they saw the scuppers running red.

Cheers!

Harry
197
197
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Lew ~

There is much to like about this poem. However, there are some problem areas as well. First of all, I think punctuation would help the read of this poem.

Also, you switch from they to you:
Never to be seen again the way they were
A love you had for years and years

The source of the separation of such true love is left unexplained. Sounds like they were lovers for years but he never would commit to the relationship:
Should you have stayed beside her side?
Should you have asked her to be your bride?
>>>Did he leave her willingly and now regrets it? Why was love lost? What is the relationship between the poet and the "you" in the poem. Is the poet the one who lost the love or someone he observes? The reader is left with too much uncertainty for my liking.

Cheers!

Harry
198
198
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Breezy ~

The content here is good, BUT why did you chop this up with all the commas? This ruins the read for me.

in the heart of winter
bloom, pale blossoms
on barren arms
lifted, towards the heavens in
exaltation; of a God
who in the midst
of desolation, and despair,
saw fit to
awaken; all that is

versus

in the heart of winter
bloom pale blossoms
on barren arms
lifted towards the heavens in
exaltation of a God
who in the midst
of desolation and despair
saw fit to
awaken all that is

You need to reconsider the punctuation used throughout this piece, in my opinion.

Cheers!

Harry
199
199
Review of A Lost Muse  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, super sleuth ~

I like the content; most writers can identify with losing their muse at times. I think a few well-placed commas would aid the read of this. Plus you need to rewrite the sixth stanza to make it a sentence.

My suggestions for your consideration:

I lay in bed >>>> I lie in bed

the loss I feel(,) and so I nod.

I've lost now what I've held so dear(,)
imaginative words that used to flow
so freely from my mind so clear(,)
that falter now and cease to grow.

My muse was special(;) that I see
now that I've lost her from my mind(.)
[a](A)n apprentice muse I wish from Thee

left behind(,) as now I stand

A parchment filled with heart so bold
told with feeling and words of praise
of a sunrise tucked within the fold
its center lighting up the days.
>>>>>> This stanza is NOT a sentence, as are all the other stanzas.

I need to feel the warmth that comes
from the satisfaction I have earned(,)
knowing that I'm not all thumbs
by the number of pages I have (written)[turned].
>>>>> Turned could be gotten from reading a bought book!

Cheers!

Harry
200
200
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, aralls ~

You have written a gripping and sad piece about your daughter. It is hard for a parent to accept that their child can be mentally off, such as being a sociopath, and harder still to realize that they are not to blame for its happening. This is a thought-provoking piece that any parent will sympathize with. This is a very good opening chapter to set the tone and set the circumstances of your story to follow.

Just a couple of suggestions:

something to fill that hole in my life(.)

Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up[. S](, and s)he'll just be gone. >>>> Tie these two thoughts together more.

Cheers!

Harry
464 Reviews • *Magnify*
Page of 19 • 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/harryg/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/8