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176
176
Review of Dark Seasons  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Eyz~Den ~

This reads well, but, if punctuation is allowed in this form of poem (You used a period after last line.), I think the read would be improved using proper punctuation:

like the blossoming flowers(')(,) >>> possessive since you mean their scents and a comma
his scent is anew.

as she awaits her lover(;)
at nightfall he comes.

As leaves start to drop(,)

She leans into him(.)
[h](H)is teeth nip(,) then sink deeply(.)
[h](H)er blood paints the snow.

Overall, a nicely penned piece.

Cheers!

Harry
177
177
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Davy ~

This is extremely well done. I think you succeeded in capturing the feel of Walt Whitman.

Why the use of the five different colors? I found that to be distracting.


Cheers!

Harry
178
178
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Legerdemain ~

This is very well written. I understand what you mean here, but I think you may be a bit too harsh in saying, ".....a ridiculous public display of material crap. ..." To many, lighting a candle to honor someone has religious meaning and is hardly a display of material crap. Additionally, the intent of those leaving flowers, candles, etc is to provide comfort to the dead's parents and family. To me, the tone of this piece is overly critical of others' good intentions.


( ) = insert // [ ] = delete

sister got back(,) but[,] he darted out

Cheers!

Harry
179
179
Review of On Angel's Wings  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Jammermomma ~

The content here is quite moving and poignant. The 2-4 rhymes work well. Overall, this is nicely written.

A few suggestions for you to consider:

Finished (was) the battle

The life she had le[a]d >>> had led

Had turned another corner[,]

Cheers!

Harry
180
180
Review of Fluffy  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Kittiara ~

You told this story quite well using only dialogue. My only real suggestion is:

I told Cassie not to go and look(,) but she did(,) and I told her not to. Then she opened the door(,) and Fluffy ate her.”

An additional comment: Fluffy seems a strange name for a monster that eats sisters. (I am big and Harry, and no one ever called me Fluffy! LOL)

Cheers!

Harry
181
181
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, hiryuu ~

The story seems a bit too long for the amount of action that occurred. Maybe it was just me.

I do have a number of items to bring to your attention: [ ] = delete // ( ) =insert

over the jagged peeks of the Katarik Mountains, >>> peaks, not peeks

capital city[,] show little contrast

shipping crates litter the floor, well into the arduous task of packing that started the prior evening. >>> ?? Is something omitted, like 'they are' well into. At present, it is confusing.

day before[,] and was appalled by the

did well[,] and infiltrated the blackmarket

their dust(-)covered(,) tear(-)streaked faces,

secure with herself[;](, which is) evident in her every move.

obviously uncomfortable[, ]and grappling with her concerns,

bare walls[,] and reverberate

approaching the subject(,)

“I’m serious(,) Chris[,](;) don’t start this

shoulders drop(,) and she shakes her

her caution[,] and starts back

“Well(,) all I really

Summer, although sometimes abrasive(,) is noted for her ability

with me(,) you little

than you have[,] and trust Kalvin

case for mercy[,] and remains silent.

Well(,) here’s a clue(,) dipsh--. That is the product of an over(-)inflated view of self(-)appointed importance.”

from side to side[,] and motions quotation marks

you are here[,] and not pushing up daisies

garbage[,] and get the meat

wrong hands[,] and bring a

A war now[, ]would wipe the slate clean

if that occurs[;](,) not just Hakari Prime.”

advice[,] and for the first time starts to see

“Now get back to packing[, w](. W)e have wasted enough

completed by the time Kalvin gets here[,] and ready to get off this rock.”

window[,] and share the remaining contents

“Excellent job(,) ladies,”

worries about Hakari[,] but remembers

about this stuff(.)[,] I brought

"Hey(,) you two, be careful

You are (a) team; take

Cheers!

Harry
182
182
Review of Our Legacy  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Lou ~

Very poignant and powerful poem! I really enjoyed it. This is nice writing, my friend. I loved the content and especially the last two lines. The first stanza is amazing also. Extremely topical poem.

Two small suggestions:

with crude(-)covered hands.

Oil slicks 500 miles long(,)[;] Comma instead of semicolon since not a sentence.

Cheers!

Harry
183
183
Review of Tea Kettle In Awe  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Daizy~Craizy ~

This is a delightful poem about a whistling tea kettle. I enjoyed its playfulness.

You might want to look at these few minor punctuation items:

That was floating on the air[,]

The sound was soft and sweet(.)[,]

She tried to find the source(.)[,]

She wanted to sound like that[,]

As the awestruck kettle got hotter(.)

Cheers!

Harry
184
184
Review of NYC  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Leger ~

I really liked the content of this poem. Great stuff! You captured the feel of the city quite well.

Technically, I was not as pleased at how it was written. My suggestions for you to consider follow:

He rushed home from a hectic twelve(-)hour day
with tension curled on his neck like a python. >>>> Great imagery!

glides through >>>> Shift from past to present verb tense

A rhythmic beat of moving through the city(,)
his steps are nothing but >>>> again present tense. You return to past tense in the next stanza's first line, then back to present, back to past. Be consistent with your verb tense!

Early sunset reached the towering monoliths(,)

The streets are strobed with headlights(,)

Pressed(,) white linen framed a gleaming service (of OR --)

on a heavy(,) silver knife.

Walking fast beneath the brilliant marquee
screaming its Broadway musical fare(,)
past the tourist tees and pawnshops(,)
sad stolen treasures behind barred battlements. >>> These lines are not a sentence.

From a darkened doorway she smiled[.](,)
[M](m)ade eye contact(,) and encouraged his perusal[.](--)
[B](b)eautiful wares extravagantly traced by a long(,) red nail[.](,)
[A](a) creamy bosom offered in a crocheted sweater(,)
the long sleeves hiding needle tracks[.](,)
[H](h)er pussed tattoo of desperation.

By the cool(,) opulent lobby and unobtrusive elevator(,)
he arrived in his haven of earned quiet solitude(,)
shed the throttle of wool jacket and corporate tie(,)
settled into a compassionate(,) Italian leather sofa(,)
and lost the day with a dry martini and CNN news. >>> Great line!

Cheers!

Harry
185
185
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, WhoMe ~

This is correctly written as far as its desired rhyme scheme and 10-syllables per line format. However, to achieve these, the number of inverted sentences and added words make some lines read rather awkwardly.

I have these items for your consideration:

bread in my hand[,](.)
as kids often do[,](.)
Feeding the pigeons, you don't understand. >>> awkward, inverted line

The stories a plenty, we all do share[;](.) >>>> awkward, inverted line
Parents do call, then you hurry off too[,](.) >>>> 'too' is confusing; who/what else hurried off?
Knights on white horses and maidens of fair. >>>> Not a sentence like all previous lines
Like pigeons taking flight[,] into the air. >>>Not a sentence

I share my story[,] with the pigeons here.
Passing along my legacy to you. >>>> Not a sentence; confusing since children have left. Does 'you' refer to the pigeons?

For this knight's tale is ending I fear. >> Not a sentence. Maybe "This knight's tale is ending I do fear."

It was good that, as explained in the attached note, this poem helped break your writer's block. However, as a poem, it could be improved with a bit of reworking.

Cheers!

Harry
186
186
Review of Reveille  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Amok ~

This was quite imaginative and entertaining as to content. It does leave the reader hanging as to what went on and why, however. In addition, there are numerous errors technically in the writing. My suggestions for you to consider are: [ ] = delete // ( ) = insert

Why did [i](I) survive? [a](A)nd more so, what happened?

I don't know what to think[,](.) I think the

I'm lost in thought(.)[ and] I'm thinking why I am, and all [its](it's) causing me to do is spin around on an ever decreasing circle(.)[ and] I'm afraid of what will happen when I get back to the point of creation, the point where I started all this pondering. >>>> This is all one run-on sentence. Break it up!

If I [was](were) to warn him(,)[...] what would I say? Don't think about your friends[,](;) don't think about your responsibilities[,](;) don't think about your family[,](;) don't think about your job, your life[,](;) don't think about the people you have to save[,]or the work you have to do.

come back to your point of origin[. T](, t)he point where all this pointless thinking started. Because when you get there(,) you'll realise that you won't know what to do, think(,) or say.

sea of nothingness(,) and I'm sitting

[Its](It's) like someone asking you

It's like (someone) saying to you, '[y](Y)ou have one

wouldn't I have done something, something for the greater good[. H](, h)elping humanity along the way?

If I had a definite place,(something like a super hero,) then life would be much simpler[,](.) [something like a super hero,]

worry about these problems[,] or tomorrow[, t](. T)hey would worry about it for me(.)[...]

Pain(.)
Pain and blackness.

**TIMEOUT(.)[,] ERROR REPORT SAVED**

to give him any more information(.)[...]

The thought froze in his head(.)[...]

heavy on him though[,](;) it was making his breathing

what it felt like(.)[...]

drifted around his visual limits[, t](. T)he shifting objects jolted

glowing in his focal area[, h](. H)e concentrated on it until he was able to define it better[, i](. I)t was his HUD, sitting over his right eye.

image resolved in front of his eyes[, h](. H)e was able to make out (a) lowset ceiling

for a few moments[, h](. H)e struggled to make

Get up(,) Jeremy

Get up(,) [S](s)oldier

onslaught of his senses[, t](. T)he pain was

Get up(,) [P](p)rivate

waited a few more minutes(,) then tried to move the object[, h](. H)is chest burned with the effort, but he was prepared for it this time[,] and was able to

slumped off to one side[, i](. I)t hit the ground

was instantaneous[, a](. A) sense of alertness spread

side of his helmet[,](;) a small data crystal

Whatever it was(,) he didn't get a good look at it[, a](. A) mission specialist had placed

His squad leader, Sergeant Chavez(,) had wanted to leave it there[, h](. H)e said he had a feeling that it was a trap. The mission specialist, a cocky, [green horned](greenhorn) corporal operating under Fleet High Command[,] with a security clearance to rival (that of) most generals(,) overrode Chavez

as the video went black[, a](. A) few seconds later the night vision software kicked in(,) and all he could

Whatever had happened(,) it had been

There were minimal Covenant casualties[,](--) one Elite body that had been on him[,] and a few grunts scattered around the place, but that was all.

[i](I)t was obvious[, h](. H)e felt stupid

The numbers didn't [quiet](quite) add up, but that was to be expected[, m](. M)aybe some

Corporal Vesper, their mission specialist[...W](w)as gone[...](.)

Cheers!

Harry
187
187
Review of Never Alone  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Sisterofmercy ~

This is a simple statement of your belief that God is always with you. I found no technical errors in the writing. Nice job!

Cheers!

Harry
188
188
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Fyn ~

This was interesting and informative, even if its purpose was never fully explained. I did enjoy reading this.

I have a few suggestions for you to consider:

Everyone should have some things at which they excel(,) and writing is (for me) one of those things!

I firmly believe(,) for someone to be a writer(,) they must first be a reader. Thus(,) I am a reader

read the entire 25 volumes >>>> twenty-five / small numbers should be written out.

Be consistent: English, Communication and Theatre. // funny, full of laughter, approval(-)oriented and laid back = series with no comma before last item // Mind games, lying, Janus people and pettiness are boring, unnecessary, and useless wastes = series with no comma before last item (pettiness), followed by having a comma before last item (useless wastes) in same sentence VERSUS That and I have no use for bad tempers, abusive behaviors, or stupid people. = comma inserted before last item of the series. Either use a comma before the last item in a series or don't, but be consistent in whichever you do.

say no. (close up so next sentence is on same line.)
That and I have no use

a kid might be naughty[,] but never bad.

It was an awesome experience(,) and I truly feel

female point of view(,) and it always tickled me

Mined, Bodied and Sold (souled...soled) // Mined, Baudy and Sole // Bawdy…//
Sole…Ick….don’t do fish. = Flattered to be asked to be a part of this awesome idea for fund(-)raising, >>>> What was the awesome idea? Nowhere do you explain why the varied forms of Bodied -- Baudy(?) -- Bawdy or Sold (souled...soled) with Sole used. Maybe a bit of explanation of what is going on here could be added to the summary or as a note?

Cheers!

Harry
189
189
Review of Switch  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, SoCalScribe ~

Nicely written piece! It was entertaining, with a surprise at the end. Technically, I found no real errors, just perhaps: "graveyard of cell phones and PDAs." where PDA is not explained as to what the initials mean. Overall, I like this.

Cheers!

Harry
190
190
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Humming bird ~

I liked your content and agreed with your message. Today's pain can be tomorrow's strength.

There were quite a few places where I felt the writing could be improved. My suggestions for you to consider are:

Title: Days of [p](P)ain and Pleasure

I had [sat for](scheduled) my final examination. >>>> 'Sat for' implies actually sitting down and taking an exam. From the next paragraph, this seems untrue since you are still trying to study for the exam. So, maybe 'scheduled' or 'begun the first stage' if the exam is given in stages.

I had to do some works = ? This is awkward and confusing as to what you had to do for the family. It needs better wording.

that A- level students >>> The space here creates confusion. Do you mean A-level = having an A average, OR do you mean having an A-minus average?

But thanks to the teacher, he did not shower >>> Maybe: But thankfully, the teacher did not

I had gone through the whole paper that night[,] and realized that I had to pay for being in a real hurry[,](;) being too quick is never smart[ness].

“Fool!" Just what are you doing to repay these guides who are cleaning the crooked path of your life with knowledge?” >>>> "'Fool!' = Opening " followed by Fool! set off with single '

experienced labour(,) and I had to play

But surely Allah [did repay](repaid) me


I hope you passed all your examinations.

Cheers!

Harry
191
191
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Joy ~

This is a well-written article about how to write deeply. It is filled with good points for all writers to heed.

I have only a few suggestions for you to consider:

we see that each [one] of them offers a moral argument

An example[to](of) a psychological need can be the need to be loved, and an example [to](of) a moral need

awards like the Pulitzer and the Nobel [hunt for](seek).

Cheers!

Harry
192
192
Review of DEAR ANONYMOUS  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Dr. Gupta ~

This is great! I enjoyed not only the poem itself but the discussion after it. You present many aspects of this issue of anonymous reviews. This is an excellently written item.

Cheers!

Harry
193
193
Review of Wiener Factory  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Michael Lee ~

This was an entertaining read, showing a lot of imagination. It will be a bit gruesome for some readers.

I have a few suggestions for you to consider:

arms pumping, face re[a]d, shoving aside

staff had undergone[,] or the grunts that left

Answer me(,) God damn you!”

put on weight[,] and resolved to take

hook through his pelvis[,] and again when they

traded looks[,] and made low grunting noises

Cheers!

Harry
194
194
Review of Nature's Voices  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, arakun ~

You have captured numerous of the sounds of nature in your poem. I enjoyed the content of your poem.

My suggestions have to do with proper punctuation and not capitalizing the first word of each line:

The wind whispers his secrets(,)
[A](a)nd aspens tremble

The brook babbles(,) "Goodbye! Good luck!"
[A](a)s young

[I](i)n the pine tree concert hall[.](,)
[A](a)nd the mountains sit in silence
[L](l)ooking

Cheers!

Harry
195
195
Review of Out of Time  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, SoCalScribe ~

This reads well and is well-written. It is taunt and conveys a sense of dread and doom. However, I was left wondering what sort of experiment would lead to oblivion and what radiation would lead to radiation poisoning so quickly. There seem to be a few loose ends to me.

I also had a few comma suggestions:

Her skin was sallow(,) and her hair was beginning to fall out.

She was nearing the end[,] but struggled to speak.

no clock in the room(,) and they had since lost

Cheers!

Harry
196
196
Review of Blue Bird  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Sophy ~

You did an excellent job meeting the contest prompt. I enjoyed reading a poem written from the bird's eye view.

My only suggestion for you to consider is that you have omitted some commas:

She usually catches sight of me
through her kitchen window(,)
and each time she spots me
she squeals with pleasure(,)
claps her hands(,)
and points to anyone nearby -

And on that sunny afternoon
just before he breathed his last(,)
I hopped on the fence

She herself didn't see me(,)
but she knew I was there -

Cheers!

Harry
197
197
Review of Emily's Room  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Ken ~

This was a delightful read, full of whimsy. I enjoyed it.

I did find a few items for you to consider:

In the summary: Emily discovers that dragons and Mom's are a lot alike. >>>> Mom's here is the possessive form. Mom's what? You probably mean 'moms'.

She worried her way into the center >>>> worried? Maybe wiggled or wormed would be better. Worried usually implies destroying something, such as the dog worried the bone. If she worried her way every time, she'd be beating the bushes to pieces.

Stretching out, she watched the clouds drift overhead, >>>> If lying down in the center of overgrown bushes, wouldn't one expect her vision of the sky to be blocked by the bushes overhead?

That one looks like a castle(,) and there's a range of mountains, filled

lifted into the new found world above. >>>> newfound world

What ever it was, >>>> Whatever it was

"Hi(,) Emily," it said.

Cheers!

Harry
198
198
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Daizy ~

This is a straightforward statement of how music touches your soul and makes you feel connected to your Celtic past. Nicely written!

My only suggestions:

eardrum(-)splitting stuff,

Thank you(,) God(,) for music!!!! OR Thank God for music!!

Cheers!
199
199
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Kraken ~

I agree with most of what you have to say about the ratings used on site. Your scale equating the stars given to a A+ through F letter grade makes a lot of sense. Likewise, your discussion of 5 being only for "perfect" meaning some reviewers won't give a 5 ever, your discussion of the rate-and-run "hate rates", and the meaning of averages and what they mean are all well worth reading. This is a discussion I believe all reviewers would benefit by reading and digesting.

Cheers!

Harry
200
200
Review of My Love...  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Crimson Goth ~

Overall, this is a nicely written romantic poem. Its content is good.

I have a few suggestions for you to consider:

Instead of starting all lines with a capitalized word, why not only capitalize the start of new sentences?
You are the star in the morning
and the moon in the evening.
I am your earth that is revolving
around you until I am the diamond
that is surrounding you with my hold.

Instead of one large block of text, why not divide this up into several stanzas? That would make it easier to digest.

The waterfall that you create
With your green emerald eyes >>>> 'green emerald' sounds odd. Redundant? or emerald green eyes?
[Are](is) swept away with just one touch. >>> The waterfall is

so you know I will forever be with you.
Here we are forever in paradise- >>>>> Avoid two 'forever's so close together.
paradise that cannot be broken(,)
for our love's embrace keeps us strong.

Cheers!

Harry
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