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151
151
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, monsterman ~

I like the concept of "Love is the passage leading out of Hell.", and your poem conveys this well.

I have a few comments for you to consider:

I found
I fall,
I then try
I knew
There was >>>>> Be consistent in verb tense! You jump from past to present & back.

I found only pain(,)

As my soul and spirit[s] drain,

"Follow me(,) my love(.)[,]

My love(,) please take my hand.

There are no angels in Hell[,](.)

"No(,) my love,

Now don't fear and flinch(.)

It was hard to figure out your rhyming scheme.

Cheers!

Harry
152
152
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, copenator ~

Your heart lies in the right place with this effort, but it is really a bit of a mess. The majority of what is presented has nothing to do with being an acrostic for Rhonda. I kept wondering why this was labeled as an acrostic until nearly to the end, where I found the Rhonda acrostic. The punctuation needs work throughout. The rhyming follows no discernible pattern, with some stanzas having no rhymes at all. Many of the rhymes seem forced. Some stanzas have four lines, some only three, some five, and one eight. This piece is in need of quite a bit of polishing.

My suggestions for you to consider:

When I awoke(,) in the sky I did see a bright shining star.
Merry Christmas to one and all(.)

This stanza is confusing:
Aware of the true meaning of Christmas(,) you must be
Rolling in snow heaven(,) and having a ball
Is fun but (is) not the reason we say Merry Christmas.
Building an igloo with icy walls >>> This is not a complete sentence, even when continued in the first line of the next stanza. Is this why we say Merry Christmas?

.... for the future to recall(.)
Instead(,) more often than not(,) we miss the greatest gift of all[.]

Playfully laughing through the snowdrifts of fall(,)
(With) [R](r)ed rosy cheeks from winter's stinging kiss(,)
We can see, hear, and feel life coursing through our veins(.)[,] I wish to >>> Move 'I wish to' to next line.
Give loved ones far away much love and a call(.)
(Insert space between stanzas here)
Twenty-(o)[0]ne years ago

['](")THIS IS YOUR WIFE."

Peace On Earth and good will toward men[;]
Is more than wishful thinking.

A Christmas Eve wedding will make you mine(;)
oh(,) yes(,) it did(.)[,] Christmas day actually!

with joy and excitement my heart could burst(.)
"Rhonda, will you marry me(?)"[.]
I did ask on September 5 (p.s. [s](S)he said yes!). >>> Moving this line down would give this stanza four lines like the rest.

[R](r)hyme,
my [P](p)rose at Christmas [T](t)ime
to lighten the chill of winter(')s curse

that it's oh(,) so right(.)

you do things [a]right.

not so gleeful(,) and yet we knew

recited this rhyme(:)

Everything Nice(,)
Peppermint candy and cheese for the mice(,)
warm as a flickering flame, cold as ice(.)

To a close soon(,) and very soon

Surviving stormy weather and(,) it would seem(,) a flurry of feather. >>> What does this mean? Closing these lines into one will give the stanza four lines.

To this day we stand(,) and stand we

... lights shining bright(.)
... you on this night(.)

... the color purple[.](,)

...is for you(,)
Rhonda(,) my purple ...

This deserves to be reworked into a much more polished piece.

Cheers!

Harry
153
153
Review of Follicular Folly  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, shannonchapel ~

This is quite humorous and entertaining. You maintain a good pace throughout. Overall, this is well-written, with the few exceptions noted below.

Here are my suggestions for your consideration:

Verb tense! "I needed to go to the store because I'm out of", "I see the bathroom cleaner guy has placed a CAUTION:Wet Floor sign outside one bathroom and is inside cleaning the other. I stepped " You need to pick either past or present tense and then remain consistent in verb tense.

grab two gallons of 2%[,] and quickly look >>>> delete unneeded comma

If his mom's doing hard time(,) who's gonna >>> Insert needed comma

Cheers!

Harry
154
154
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Matt ~

I'll take you at your word that you want frank advice about how to become a better poet. I see you are only 16 and still in school. Learn grammar well. Read past poets extensively. Study the format of different forms of poetry as to meter, syllable count, rhyming, free verse, etc until you develop a style of your own.

With this poem of yours:

Try not capitalizing the start of every line, even in mid-sentence. Try capitalizing according to correct grammar rules instead.

Try to achieve more consistency in line lengths (syllable counts) and in the standard number of lines per stanza.

Nawing away, >>>> Gnawing away, >> Use spellchecker &/or a dictionary to check all spellings.

I don’t know why, it just is so, you cloud the brain with doubt. >>>> This line consists of three complete sentences improperly punctuated. Wording: 'the brain' or 'my brain'?

I don’t know why, it just is so, you cloud the brain with doubt.
Love, lust, I do not know you, why do you persist
In this game of yours?
What did I do to deserve this, why must you be so
Cruel that you do not love me yourself.
You took my love but nothing in return, just the void…

Corrected to:

I don’t know why. It just is so. You cloud my brain with doubt.
Love, lust, I do not know you. Why do you persist
in this game of yours?
What did I do to deserve this? Why must you be so
cruel that you do not love me? [yourself].
You took my love but (gave) nothing in return, just the void…
>>>>> Still the lines are too long and inconsistent in length. Learn to write shorter lines. Express yourself more tersely, more concisely. Don't ramble but be precise in your use of words.

A black hole sucks you away from me, fate >>>> Confusing? Are you asking fate why it is so?
WHY BE SO???? No need to shout. Use only one question mark.
Then:
A black hole sucks you away from me.
Fate, why must you be so?

The complexities of the human brain, unravelled by
Your long(,) blonde mane. >>>> This is NOT a complete sentence. "are unraveled" or "become unraveled"

Oh one kiss one kiss one kiss I cry…. This line is a mess grammatically.

You have good enough content. You need to learn to express your content more concisely so each line carries more power.

Keep writing and working to improve and someday perhaps you will become a poet of note. Good luck to you.

Cheers!

Harry
155
155
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, nmarshall ~

Your essay captures well your dismay at watching ice-coated tree limbs crack and fall during this winter storm. Overall, it is well-written.

I have these few comments for your consideration:

It is the day after Christmas(,) and southern Oklahoma is

I've watched her graceful branches dance in the wind, seeming to celebrate life. She taught me to sway with life's storms. She taught me to dance in the face of life's windier times. I have admired the willow for her ability to bend but never break. Now, she's breaking my heart, branch by branch. Even now, in the face of tragedy, she is swaying in the breeze. She is fighting until the end with dignity. As I watch her last stand, I struggle to keep the memory of her joyful dance alive.
>>>>> Do willow trees have sexes, male and female? How do you sex a willow tree? Unless you know that this willow tree is female, would "it" be more appropriate that 'her/she' in this paragraph to describe the tree?

You make it sound like the tree will actually be killed completely ("fighting until the end", "her last stand,").
Is that what actually happened? Or did it survive like most trees do after losing some branches in an ice storm? I so, this is a bit too dramatic.

Cheers!

Harry
156
156
Review of Decaying Beauty  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Winnie ~

Overall, this is written excellently. The word choice is wonderful; the poem is a perfect match to the picture. You even managed to work in 'legerdemain'. *Smile* The 1-4 rhymes are well done.

I did have a problem with this one line:

Autumn brings coolness and bright sun rays wain, >>>> I believe the correct word here is 'wane' instead of 'wain'. Also, It is difficult to glean your specific meaning from this line at present. Do you mean autumn brings two things -- coolness plus the waning of bright sun rays? OR do you mean two separate events happen: autumn beings coolness // bright sun rays wane? If you mean the first, then it should read: "Autumn brings coolness and bright sun rays' wane," (Wane is used as a noun here.) If you mean the second, it should read: "Autumn brings coolness, and bright sun rays wane," (Wane is used as a verb here.) Correcting this line will bring perfection to your poem.

Cheers!

Harry
157
157
Review of Through the Storm  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, intheventofire ~

This tells a good enough tale. However, the grammar needs a bit of improvement.

[ ] = delete /// ( ) = insert

"A what?" I (asked)[said], but Uncle[s] M's answer

I was making for the stable[,](;) we all were, but I'd made my last minute dash[,] a minute too late.

hard on the lime green(,) wooden gates(.)[and t] (T)hey sagged

straw cot(,) and I was relieved to see that[,] he(,) at least(,) was unconcerned

I ran through my options(.)[, i](I)t only took me a couple of seconds(.)[, m](M)y list was worryingly short.

Trees and bushes[,] that a minute earlier had looked so at home in the ground[,] flew past me

I reversed my usual escape route[. S](, s)tealing into my cell rather than from it.

basket with little(,) white knuckles.

You'll think I'm crazy(.)[,] I think I'm crazy, but I swear

sitting in an red(,) rusty(,) iron tub

She'd been plaguing Otto and [I](me) for weeks.

little cat(,) and I'll get

she was gone(.)[, i](I)t was all gone, even the colour.(space)It took

so perfectly powdery pink(,) were now

look out of the window[, t](. T)he whole world looked

washed it with Uncle[s] M's great(,) black(,) woolen cloak

I knew it was (she)[her] when I saw her legs(.)[, s](S)he was still wearing those slippers(,) only they weren't

We'd killed her, Otto and I(.)[,] I know it wasn't his fault really(;) he's just a cat, but somehow I

"Otto,[]" I said[.](,) "[]I don't >>>>> "Otto," I said, "I don't

Also, why the huge space between lines?

If cleaned up, this would be an amusing read.

Cheers!

Harry
158
158
Review of I Miss Buttons  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Kat ~

This is a sweet story that makes its point well. Overall, it is nicely written.

A few items for your consideration:

knew what was on Cindy’s mind[,] but hadn’t been able (to) give >>>> delete comma // insert to

to be Sam, the long(,) slinky(,) gray tom-cat,

the tiny(,) black one

I remember(,) Papa, you called him

“Slow down(,) little one!

I was left wondering how old Cindy was. Did you not want to give her age?

Cheers!

Harry
159
159
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, janice48 ~

I like the content in this poem. However, it is a bit confusing since it seems to be written for one son only until the last line you now say two sons. (Example = great qualities for a son, to send me a son, not have chosen a better one. & then With sons like you) This needs to be corrected.

My suggestions for you to consider: Use periods, not commas, at the ends of complete sentences.

is special to me(.)[,]

... smiled at me that day(.)[,]
It's locked in my memory[,] and will never fade away.

The bond we share (is) like none I've known(.)[,]
We are best friends(,) and I'm never alone.

... qualities for a son(.)[,]

... qualities from the start(.)[,]

... wipe away my tears(.)[,]

... what I would do(.)[,]
I surely would be lost,()sad and blue ...

... honored to be your mother(.)[,]

(I) Love you(,) T.J and Tim

Cheers!

Harry
160
160
Review of Disease Spreads.  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, StaiNed ~

This certainly is chilling in its description of a disease killing a body. Overall, it is well written. (Thank goodness, I know of no disease that actually spreads and acts like this.)

I have a few suggestions for your consideration:

The disease travels near the body's frantic heart.
Smitten with the woeful thump-thump. >> This is not a sentence.
Maybe:
The disease travels near the body's frantic heart(,)[.]
[S](s)mitten with the woeful thump-thump.

It moaned[,] and shivered in its rewarding gift. >>> delete comma

It believes[,] [your](you're) a present as it feeds on your body, >>> you are = you're

Watch your verb tense! You keep switching back and forth between present tense and past tense. Pick one and then be consistent.

Cheers!

Harry
161
161
Review of Roses in Heaven  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Winnie ~

I like the fix you made! It rhymes well (Thee & me) and has correct word usage. Now it deserves a 5-star rating!

I'm sure your poem resonates with everyone who recently lost their mother. A nicely written piece!

Cheers!

Harry
162
162
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, YellowRose ~

Overall, this is nicely done with good content. It is a pleasant read.

The repetition of ending all the third lines with "today and evermore" worked okay for me.

Not so much so with ending all first lines with "and walk with me". This seemed a bit too much repetition (two half-lines out of 3 lines in every stanza). Perhaps it would read better if you varied the first two lines of each stanza. Plus "Kiss my lips and walk with me" & "Hold me tight and walk with me" both seemed a bit awkward to me.

Cheers!

Harry
163
163
Review of Roses in Heaven  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Winnie ~

This is a touching poem that captures your love and feel of loss over your mother's death. Overall, it is quite nicely written.

The one problem I encountered with your poem is this line:

Please pick a bunch, I plea. >>>> 'Plea' is a noun. You need the verb "plead" here to make sense. "Plead" means to ask or appeal for something. I realize you used 'plea' for the ability to rhyme it with 'me', but it is simply incorrect usage here.

Cheers!

Harry
164
164
Review of Room at the End  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, tHiNg ~

I looked up the form for a sestina:

SESTINA
A fixed form consisting of six 6-line (usually unrhymed) stanzas in which the end words of the first stanza recur as end words of the following five stanzas in a successively rotating order and as the middle and end words of each of the lines of a concluding envoi in the form of a tercet. The usual ending word order for a sestina is as follows:

First stanza, 1- 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6
Second stanza, 6 - 1 - 5 - 2 - 4 - 3
Third stanza, 3 - 6 - 4 - 1 - 2 - 5
Fourth stanza, 5 - 3 - 2 - 6 - 1 - 4
Fifth stanza, 4 - 5 - 1 - 3 - 6 - 2
Sixth stanza, 2 - 4 - 6 - 5 - 3 - 1
Concluding tercet:
middle of first line - 2, end of first line - 5
middle of second line - 4, end of second line - 3
middle if third line - 6, end of third line - 1

You faithfully followed the form for the six stanzas; however, your tercet must have been written according to some other directions for the envoi.

Nevertheless, I liked the content here, and I think this is a well-done sestina overall.

at last to bed..... >> I'd use a period here. There is no punctuation consisting of 5 dots.

Cheers!

Harry
165
165
Review of Gazing  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Jace O'Lantern ~

This reads well and matches the requirements for the RemyLa Rhyme Form in all case except the syllable count of required eight in these two lines:

our tired breath hanging like clouds.
- 1 ---2 -----3 -----4- 5 ----6 -----7

Hope blossoms like fires blazing,
- 1 ------2-- 3-----4----5---- 6-7

I double-checked my dictionary that 'tired' and 'fires' are one-syllable words.

Overall, this is well written, with the poem complementing the picture quite well.

Cheers!

Harry
166
166
Review of A Day on the Farm  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)

A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Wally Setter ~

This was an amusing and entertaining look at the barnyard's chicken coop.

I found a few items for you to consider:

“Here(,) chick, chick, chick. Here(,) chick,

The farmer gives us everything[. A](, a)ll the food we want, shelter[,](;) he provides for our every need.

Charley let out a loud baw-uck[,](.) “Don’t start

“Good riddance(,) I’d say.

Never did like Bob; (he was) always strutting around, acting like

“Well(,) I’ll be.

our community[,](;) good riddance.

Cheers!

Harry
167
167
Review of Lost  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Haunted Moon ~

You have written an excellent villanelle that met the form and prompt quite well. Nicely done!

I also appreciated that you explained the form, with its repeated lines and the two-rhyme scheme. This undoubtedly educated some readers as to this poetic form.

Cheers!

Harry
168
168
Review of Tradition!  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Animated SP black cat and jack-o-lantern signature.

Greetings, Kenzie ~

This story is well told and interesting. I found only one item to bring to your attention:

may or not [m](b)e true. >>>> be


Nice job! *Smile*

Cheers!

Harry
169
169
Review of The Triangle  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, ScaryScribe ~

This was an entertaining story. It was well-told, with a nice twist at the end.

I think these commas were unnecessary:

had a hideout planned in advance[,] and always used

more selective about their inside man[,] now.

more than ten years[,] and knew all of the branch's ins

would be marked[,]and where all the dye-packs

Cheers!

Harry
170
170
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Bill ~

Nice poem to start, followed by a fun and entertaining story. I enjoyed this very much.

I have the following suggestions for your consideration:

Jack-O-Lantern[,](;) I guess you can say I’m

And then there'[s](re) my kids, >>>> there are my kids, not there is my kids

for the kids[-- i](. I)t’s kind of a Gatorade drink

in good fun(,) and the spells wear[-]off

then dashed [off] inside.

arm(,) and together we

reassuringly(,) and we continued

little girl [comes](came) up to me

doesn’t he(,) Mommy?

fell open(,) and one of my rotting teeth

a sharp hiss, (she) bared her fangs

music stopped(,) and every head turned

over(,) and a full moon shone

Cheers!

Harry
171
171
Review of The Climb  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Kings ~

This is a touching tribute to your relationship with your brother. I liked the content.

There were several technical aspects of the poem that could be improved:

Your use of punctuation was erratic. Some sentences ended with a period, whereas others did not.
I know you fear this dreaded disease
I'll stand by you until the pain ceases.

Gave it our best(,) seldom winning one.

If you get to(o) weak and want to stop(,)

Some of the rhymes were off: hills / heels ; same time / served stateside; disease / ceases.

Tightening up these technical aspects would improve the poem.

Cheers!

Harry
172
172
Review of Mermaids  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Feywriter ~

This poem describes mermaids briefly. I was left wanting more.

Why did you capitalize each word in the first line but not in all other lines?

The reading of the last two lines was confusing to me. Do they represent one sentence and are to be read together as such, i.e. the constant pull of the tide inhabits our dreams? Or are they separate thoughts, i.e. mermaids are what inhabits our dreams? Without punctuation as a guide, I was unsure of the read and meaning here.

This poem is a good start, but it could be improved.

Cheers!

Harry
173
173
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Joy ~

This poem has wonderful content with a marvelous flow and feel to it. I enjoyed reading it.

I only have two suggestions/comments for possible improvement:

Why not break this one long block of lines into stanzas? You could start a new stanza with each "She leaps from". I think it would enhance the read.

thorny barnacles. >>>> Thorns? On barnacles? This make me stop short when I read this.

Cheers!

Harry
174
174
Review of Just a Fairytale  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Ren ~

You captured a lover's hurt and disappointment well. The format used seems erratic to me. Some stanzas rhymed, whereas others had no rhyme. Some stanzas had three lines; other stanzas had four lines; another had six lines. The punctuation did not seem to follow any rules. Nor did the use of capitalization at the start of lines follow any pattern. You might want to recheck these technical aspects of these lyrics.

You left me branded - so [J](j)aded(,)

..and feel like a man?
To hurt the one who loves you.. >>>> Ellipses have three dots. There is no correct punctuation having two dots.

Cheers!

Harry
175
175
Review of Divergence  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, SoCalScribe ~

This was an interesting brief tale. It held my interest.

I did find these items for you to consider:

implements lined the walls(,) and the teenagers marveled

as he looked to Diane. >>> at Diane ?

guillotine [just] moments before the tremors loosened the blade and dropped it [down] to where Luke’s neck was just resting. >>>> Two 'just' in same sentence. Omit 'down'.

Cheers!

Harry
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